WEBVTT - S05E03 | It's Layered | Delve Deeper Into... Boundaries 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:15.200 I'm always always. 0:00:16.440 --> 0:00:17.560 Be careful. 0:00:17.680 --> 0:00:25.000 Love those umboo let We'll use your head. 0:00:26.280 --> 0:00:31.560 They will tear you up. Lack a purple talk. Oh 0:00:31.640 --> 0:00:34.080 no no, yeah. 0:00:33.960 --> 0:00:36.960 Yeah yeah yeah, oh no no no. 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:41.600 Hi. I'm Amanda and I'm Rumby. 0:00:42.000 --> 0:00:43.560 Welcome to Its lay It. 0:00:43.880 --> 0:00:46.800 We're in a long distance friendship that started over twenty 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:48.600 years ago when we were in high school. 0:00:48.920 --> 0:00:53.200 We'll be talking about all things life, love, family, anything 0:00:53.280 --> 0:00:55.160 and everything else under the sun. 0:00:55.280 --> 0:00:59.680 Delve deeper with us because in life, you know my layers. 0:01:00.480 --> 0:01:05.959 Oh no no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah no. 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:11.560 No, no, Hello everybody, and welcome to another episode of 0:01:12.000 --> 0:01:16.760 It's Layered Podcast. 0:01:17.000 --> 0:01:18.840 I like Joe sound effects. 0:01:22.240 --> 0:01:27.080 Funny enough. I was watching Black af Over again and 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:30.200 there's this I think it's an episode one or episode two, 0:01:30.560 --> 0:01:32.520 and he's with his wife and then they're like, hey, 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:36.440 you come against us, basically attack you shouts five, and. 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:37.720 I was like, I love that. 0:01:38.640 --> 0:01:41.479 I really think I got that prop up from from 0:01:41.720 --> 0:01:42.840 that show or just. 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:45.600 I really love it got it from like Jamaican or 0:01:46.240 --> 0:01:51.400 of course of course sooner his picture like that's how 0:01:51.480 --> 0:01:55.800 we would be if I ever go to Jamaica. 0:01:54.880 --> 0:01:58.240 They probably look at you like you if someone came 0:01:58.280 --> 0:01:58.760 with a gun. 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:00.480 I'll be cool about it. Like I will not be 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:04.920 cool about it. I'll shoots. But exactly right now. 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:07.880 It's all fun and games in the club un till 0:02:08.560 --> 0:02:15.160 happens for real anyway. So exactly, I just faint. That's like, 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:17.440 please leave me. I don't know. I'm from here. 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:20.320 Play I will play. 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:22.880 I mean, I've watched movies. I'm like, why aren't you 0:02:22.919 --> 0:02:25.400 on the floor like you did? Okay, just get some 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:30.280 blood from somebody. That's also true. That's also true. 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:33.840 But I don't know what happenedratuated dealing with. 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:39.360 Or just zigzag grund. They say, just that's that's, that's. 0:02:39.200 --> 0:02:41.000 It, but all they think got the window. 0:02:41.040 --> 0:02:43.160 I'm sure, why are we even I don't even know 0:02:43.280 --> 0:02:46.720 that's a serious issue from anyway anyway. 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:50.760 Okay, but yes, welcome, so excited to have you here 0:02:50.840 --> 0:02:55.120 for another brand new episode of It's Layered. What are 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:58.320 we gonna delve deeper into today? Amanda? 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:02.239 Oh, this one's I think we've been challenged with this one, 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:08.440 especially coming from Africans and Barbwean parents. Boundaries rewriting our 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:15.480 stories and setting them boundaries. Yeah, but African parents to 0:03:15.560 --> 0:03:19.480 be like bounder, what what's yours is mine, But we're 0:03:19.560 --> 0:03:22.480 just gonna really delve deeper onto this. I mean not 0:03:22.520 --> 0:03:26.600 only from our parents' point of view, but friendships, love work, 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:29.919 all them things. I mean, what are boundaries to you? 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:32.840 Do you have examples of what a boundary would be 0:03:32.919 --> 0:03:33.320 to you? 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:39.400 So quite interestingly enough, I was listening to something or 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:41.920 watching a documentary. I think I was listening to a 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:44.440 podcast and it was talking about we often talk about 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:47.960 boundaries where it's limiting. So typically when people hear boundaries, 0:03:48.000 --> 0:03:52.320 it's limiting people's access to your space, saying that they 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:56.320 only welcome so far. So for example, it's like not 0:03:56.440 --> 0:03:59.240 physical necessarily, I mean you can say who can come 0:03:59.280 --> 0:04:02.320 to your house or of course, but also things like 0:04:02.640 --> 0:04:07.760 who gets to be in on your coming and going. 0:04:08.200 --> 0:04:11.760 And another way is on social media, like you can 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:15.080 give restricted access, you know, the close friends option on 0:04:15.120 --> 0:04:19.160 Instagram stories, where you can have certain close friends, meaning 0:04:19.160 --> 0:04:21.760 you're excluding everyone else who you don't consider close friends 0:04:21.800 --> 0:04:25.520 from and seeing certain parts of your life or blocking 0:04:26.000 --> 0:04:30.279 certain people. Or for example, when someone asks too much 0:04:30.279 --> 0:04:32.159 about you, like oh what are you doing here? Or 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:34.800 tell me about this that, and you're like, hmmm, I'd 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:37.880 rather not because you feel that's too personal for them 0:04:37.920 --> 0:04:41.880 to pass over. Sometimes with workmates, I think too especially. 0:04:42.080 --> 0:04:43.840 But then I was listening to that it was a 0:04:43.880 --> 0:04:46.520 podcast and they were saying, we so often talk about 0:04:46.680 --> 0:04:50.000 like the restriction of like you're not allowed in, but 0:04:50.120 --> 0:04:55.480 we don't talk about boundaries of allowing people into certain spaces. 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:59.680 I think they were saying, boundaries can be saying you 0:04:59.800 --> 0:05:03.880 are welcome into this space, but also you're not not 0:05:04.000 --> 0:05:06.359 welcome into that space. We often see it as like 0:05:06.600 --> 0:05:10.960 a hold up, back up, but then you have different 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:14.880 levels of intimacy with people around you. So some people 0:05:14.960 --> 0:05:19.080 are you allow them within a space, and that's it's 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:21.360 a boundary of sorts, but only a few people get 0:05:21.400 --> 0:05:25.839 to be within that space. That's a form of creating boundaries, 0:05:25.839 --> 0:05:29.000 but in like a positive way or like not a 0:05:29.520 --> 0:05:33.440 backup way. What do you use to define boundaries as. 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:36.000 Oh, I'm completely in agreeance with you. 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:40.440 Like I think also with like our generation, right, we 0:05:40.560 --> 0:05:44.080 saw life before social media, the rise of social media, 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:46.520 and then life like what it is now, And I 0:05:46.560 --> 0:05:49.479 think that's like a good snapshot of boundaries. 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:52.280 But I do remember when like Facebook started, you'd be. 0:05:52.200 --> 0:05:54.520 Like, oh, you're my friend, and I make you this 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:57.240 way and that way, and your status was like I'm 0:05:57.279 --> 0:06:01.040 friends with everybody you know, I know from primary school. 0:06:01.160 --> 0:06:02.000 Let's be friends. 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:05.000 I'll never talk to you again, but let's be friends, 0:06:05.040 --> 0:06:06.440 like you know what I mean. Like we were so 0:06:06.839 --> 0:06:10.120 open with it, and then it probably saw like the 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:13.919 dangers of that or the ramifications of that, and people 0:06:13.960 --> 0:06:16.200 are over corrected, like you don't even see them on 0:06:16.240 --> 0:06:19.520 the socials at all, and some people are still navigating 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:22.880 those like Murky, who do I Latin? As you said 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:26.680 about Instagram and close friends and blocking people and. 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:29.159 Restricted restrict access all those things. 0:06:29.200 --> 0:06:31.720 I feel like that's what boundaries is to me, Like 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:35.600 not letting any everyone into your life, into your your 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:37.719 in a I guess in a circle. 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:40.680 Would be like the word right or the words. 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:42.560 But it's also can be like as you said, at 0:06:42.600 --> 0:06:46.320 work spaces of my work colleague, like I'm gonna kicky 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:50.159 with you on the water cooler, but Saturday and Sunday, 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:52.880 I don't know who, like don't greet me outside of work, 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:55.480 like you know those kind of like we're homies under 0:06:55.480 --> 0:06:59.719 this building, but we're not, like yeah, and like so 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:03.760 the I guess boundaries show themselves up in so many 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:04.719 different ways. 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:07.839 Yeah, So would you say that was your first encounter 0:07:08.000 --> 0:07:10.840 with boundaries when you started like restricting who was your 0:07:10.920 --> 0:07:13.880 friend on Facebook and social media, or like before when 0:07:13.880 --> 0:07:15.520 you were younger, or any other time. 0:07:16.320 --> 0:07:18.360 I think for me probably never. 0:07:19.080 --> 0:07:23.160 I never probably labeled it when I was younger, like 0:07:23.200 --> 0:07:25.760 you just didn't realize that that's what you were doing, 0:07:25.800 --> 0:07:29.160 but you were setting boundaries, like I definitely remember, like 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:32.200 my mom obviously was anwell before she passed away, So 0:07:32.240 --> 0:07:33.720 it was like one of those things where it's like 0:07:34.280 --> 0:07:37.360 you can't be dolving with everybody who's asking, like all 0:07:37.360 --> 0:07:39.600 the antis at church would be like my mom had 0:07:39.640 --> 0:07:42.240 in it, and you're like I can't be like going 0:07:42.280 --> 0:07:44.320 into all the details with you, and she's not, you 0:07:44.360 --> 0:07:48.320 know what I mean, like just quick fast looking at yeah, 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:51.520 because you just cannot sit there and give everyone like 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:55.160 a full access, restricted and restrict access into what's really 0:07:55.200 --> 0:07:58.360 going on. So then I think that was probably me 0:07:58.480 --> 0:08:01.360 practicing boundaries and being the doing the whole polite thing 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:03.240 like I'm telling you, but I'm. 0:08:03.120 --> 0:08:06.240 Still you're still not in the no no, you know. 0:08:06.600 --> 0:08:09.520 So, like I guess at that point I was navigating 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:13.240 that without even realizing and I feel like that's that 0:08:13.440 --> 0:08:16.080 muscle has just strengthened as I've gone older, because I 0:08:16.120 --> 0:08:19.040 started so young, Like even when social media did start, 0:08:19.040 --> 0:08:21.160 I wasn't a friends with everybody. I was like, who 0:08:21.160 --> 0:08:24.680 are you? Like, I'll just leave you. You don't need those 0:08:24.680 --> 0:08:27.920 friends requests. Just stay there. I've still got a holeless 0:08:27.960 --> 0:08:29.840 you get running there forever. 0:08:31.200 --> 0:08:36.400 So you're in pregatory, was having and I think, but. 0:08:36.400 --> 0:08:39.400 You've definitely always been good at that. I think even 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:42.000 when we were at school finding out, like when your 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:44.440 mom did pass away, for a lot of us it 0:08:44.520 --> 0:08:48.280 was like, oh wow, like you were going through all this. 0:08:48.640 --> 0:08:50.920 So I think you really, as you said, you really 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:55.840 preserved that for you and like your close family. And 0:08:55.880 --> 0:08:59.000 it's totally understandable because imagine dealing. 0:08:59.280 --> 0:09:04.400 What were you going to people's opinion team? Yeah, exactly. 0:09:05.120 --> 0:09:09.319 Like everyone feels the need to say something when silence 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:11.760 is golden, but then it's like a Zimbabweans, we don't 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:14.440 know what that means. We have to say something because 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:15.080 it's not all. 0:09:15.040 --> 0:09:15.839 Here then move on. 0:09:15.920 --> 0:09:18.320 And then also that seems a bit rude, right You're like, Okay, 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:21.960 I also don't want to shoulder everyone's feelings. So it's 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:24.199 almost like just to say it's all okay, just so 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:27.439 that you're not having to like bear on advice and 0:09:27.480 --> 0:09:36.840 everyone's do this, do that, like brah, we got like 0:09:36.880 --> 0:09:37.720 what am I going to do? 0:09:37.800 --> 0:09:41.120 And I remember also like as being young as we were, 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:43.720 we didn't know how to handle our emotions. I remember 0:09:43.800 --> 0:09:48.480 us crying over certain things, a scripture union. Yeah, we're 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:52.079 just emotional about a lot, Like was just. 0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:57.240 His emotions. I was like, I don't think it's not bad. 0:09:57.800 --> 0:10:00.560 You didn't need that because I just remember just like 0:10:00.840 --> 0:10:02.080 be everything was so deep. 0:10:02.720 --> 0:10:06.360 Yeah, and then you grew up in your deep relaxed 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:09.480 people also seek to relate to you, right, so when 0:10:09.520 --> 0:10:11.719 you let's them into it in a space and then 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:13.720 they're like, oh no, I know all about this, sometimes 0:10:13.720 --> 0:10:17.160 it can like actually nullify what you're going through because 0:10:17.160 --> 0:10:19.440 it's like no, you don't actually, but now because you're 0:10:19.480 --> 0:10:21.640 trying to seem like so it's like better to just 0:10:21.679 --> 0:10:24.320 be like, okay, let's just stop here, like I don't 0:10:24.360 --> 0:10:26.840 need you to come in any further. But yeah, when 0:10:26.840 --> 0:10:28.959 did you first realize you could have boundaries? 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:30.640 I think I've. 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:34.880 Always had like an element of boundary. Yes, if there's 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:38.280 such a word. Inherently, I especially as a child, I 0:10:38.280 --> 0:10:42.640 was very much an introvert, so boundary what you didn't 0:10:42.640 --> 0:10:46.920 have to tell me like I was good, you know, 0:10:47.440 --> 0:10:50.400 I don't need people. I'm good. I was happy with 0:10:50.440 --> 0:10:54.440 my books and just really close friends, Like I would 0:10:54.440 --> 0:10:57.400 have like one or two close friends, and those are 0:10:57.400 --> 0:10:59.880 the people that would hang out with, chill with, and 0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:02.880 my diaries those were that's where I let it all out. 0:11:03.360 --> 0:11:06.160 That's di I have a little rock on your diary. 0:11:06.240 --> 0:11:08.640 Never got a locked diary. I don't think I got 0:11:08.679 --> 0:11:10.800 a lockdiry, but I used to. I'm sure my mom 0:11:10.880 --> 0:11:14.120 read a lot of my diaries because I hide them 0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:19.720 insight into you. Yeah is going through yeah exactly. But 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:21.880 I think I've always had an element of that. But 0:11:21.920 --> 0:11:26.920 I think the moment I really realized that I guess 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:31.600 I had boundaries, so to speak, was after when I 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:33.760 started working and I used to go to church and 0:11:33.800 --> 0:11:36.640 people would be like, roomby, you need to smile more, 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:38.600 you need to be more open, you need to be 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:42.080 more and I just remember being like huh. Then they're like, yeah, 0:11:42.160 --> 0:11:44.480 you know, we see you around the way. You look 0:11:44.600 --> 0:11:48.360 very unapproachable and very much don't mess with me, and 0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:51.520 I'm like, uh, yeah, because I don't want any Tom, Dick, 0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:54.079 Harry or Jim just stepping up to me and talking nonsense. 0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:56.880 I'm sorry, like I'm friendly enough, I'm real cute, I'll 0:11:56.920 --> 0:12:00.360 be like hy like you know, blessings, you know, keep it. 0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:03.880 And I just remember being so confused why people felt 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:08.760 a need to have me be friendly and open. And 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:10.520 I used to ask, like, what the hell does being 0:12:10.559 --> 0:12:13.720 open me? Does that make sense? Like I, yeah, yeah, 0:12:14.080 --> 0:12:16.400 I couldn't grasp it. But for me, I was like, 0:12:16.640 --> 0:12:19.240 if you're not going to be close to me and 0:12:19.280 --> 0:12:21.880 I don't want you close to me, why we got 0:12:21.920 --> 0:12:24.959 to pretend I can do like fictitious, hey, hey, conver, 0:12:25.120 --> 0:12:27.040 but like, let's keep it moving. So maybe that's the 0:12:27.040 --> 0:12:28.839 first time that it was really brought up to me that 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:33.320 hey girl, you're very you know, not so friendly or whatever. Yeah. 0:12:33.600 --> 0:12:34.000 Yeah. 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:36.200 Why do you think influenced that though, or what do 0:12:36.240 --> 0:12:38.520 you think influencers boundaries in general? 0:12:38.720 --> 0:12:41.800 I think feeling cool for me, I think a lot 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:46.440 of it had to do with feeling unheard or misunderstood, 0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:50.920 and I always felt very misunderstood and kind of strange 0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:54.240 in my own world, per se I had a very 0:12:54.280 --> 0:13:00.080 vivid imagination, and I just enjoyed my own company and 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:03.440 obviously my upbringing things I've gone through, I loosed up, 0:13:03.520 --> 0:13:06.040 I think in a way. So you just I was 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:10.760 just like I don't need people, you know, self preservation type. 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:14.559 Of scenarios like hyper independence on lote unlock. 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:16.560 But I've been that way since I was a little kid. 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:19.360 I remember my parents telling me we'd go went from 0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:22.040 my uncle's wedding and I wouldn't let anyone carry me. 0:13:22.080 --> 0:13:23.800 I was like two or something. I was only by 0:13:23.800 --> 0:13:26.280 my mom or then get home. I was like to 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:28.560 my sister, I was like, Sonny, let's do the dance 0:13:28.640 --> 0:13:32.559 moves from my steps, from them, from chatter from the wedding. 0:13:31.840 --> 0:13:34.880 But that's just who I was. 0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:37.160 I was like, yeah, so you're like absorbing but not 0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:38.320 really participating. 0:13:38.480 --> 0:13:40.160 Yeah yeah, yeah, thousand percent. 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:43.880 So I think those were the influences and just feeling 0:13:43.960 --> 0:13:49.120 like people always had something to say about me, even 0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:52.439 without me engaging or you know, so I'm like. 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:55.839 Oh, no, Zimbabwans would just step up and tell you, yes. 0:13:56.040 --> 0:13:59.000 Oh you gained weight. Are you're skinny now? Are You're 0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:02.160 Like there's. 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:03.559 Exactly So I was just like I don't need all that, Like, 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:08.160 what's the point you know myself and you, I mean 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:10.080 I think your mom's illness, Like. 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:13.760 Yeah, no, definitely, but I think also it's also for me. 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:16.480 It was almost the opposite of view where I got burnt. 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:19.200 So I learned not to, you know what I mean. 0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:22.560 I was like, I let people in, thinking, ah, you know, 0:14:22.640 --> 0:14:26.160 we all care together. They care, They actually care. It's 0:14:26.160 --> 0:14:28.560 not gossiping. It's not you know. I think we've talked 0:14:28.600 --> 0:14:30.600 about this before in previous episodes as well, with the 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:33.040 rise of AIDS and HIV in Zoom. 0:14:33.080 --> 0:14:34.360 Obviously, when anyone. 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:38.280 Was sick, people would always assume that's that's what I 0:14:38.440 --> 0:14:43.160 used to say. People, God, I'm like pneumonia. 0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:48.560 Yeah, everybody got pneumonia, you know. 0:14:48.680 --> 0:14:51.480 So I think, like, yeah, it was like letting people 0:14:51.560 --> 0:14:55.360 in and then realizing not to, and then realizing people gossip, 0:14:56.000 --> 0:15:00.240 realizing people make up stories and fill in the blanks themselves, 0:15:00.680 --> 0:15:03.120 and then then you just start to think, Okay, well, actually, 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:05.440 if I don't need your advice, I don't need your help, 0:15:05.800 --> 0:15:07.960 especially like in ZIM, I guess it ends up being 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:11.760 financial or familiar support. Then why do you need to 0:15:11.840 --> 0:15:15.040 be in the inner circle. And I'm sure I really 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:17.920 really remember my dad even probably saying something like that, 0:15:18.000 --> 0:15:21.120 like probably instilling that in us as kids, like this 0:15:21.200 --> 0:15:22.120 is under a roof. 0:15:22.240 --> 0:15:25.680 Nobody needs to be knowing. No one needs to be knowing. 0:15:25.840 --> 0:15:28.240 You know, people say what they're gonna say, but we 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:30.240 know what's happening. We know my mom's sick, we know 0:15:30.240 --> 0:15:32.480 why this is happening. Like and I guess that just 0:15:32.560 --> 0:15:35.040 makes you realize, oh, so people can't be trusted. 0:15:35.760 --> 0:15:38.360 I can't be an open book with her bad yep. 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:40.480 Like and I think when you're a kid, you lose 0:15:40.520 --> 0:15:43.920 that innocence where it's like, oh I just innocently told 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:46.320 you this, and then now you're only using it as ammunition. 0:15:47.440 --> 0:15:50.280 Then you just start to realize, okain, parents, I won't 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:54.040 probably say parents, adults also use kids to weaponize. You know, 0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:56.480 they get the information from kids. You know, they're like 0:15:56.680 --> 0:15:58.560 it's like, as your creetic guy, you're not happening, You're 0:15:58.560 --> 0:16:01.680 likely like people you're telling I. 0:16:01.800 --> 0:16:02.640 That's what Amanda was. 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:07.400 Saying, the things like yeah, you just start to realize, oh, okay, 0:16:07.480 --> 0:16:10.600 this is, this is why this is And not to 0:16:10.640 --> 0:16:13.120 say you lie, but just you just find ways to 0:16:13.320 --> 0:16:16.840 avoid the convo, like kind of short like yeah, we're good. 0:16:16.880 --> 0:16:21.680 Yeah, absolutely absolutely So would you say that boundaries are 0:16:21.720 --> 0:16:24.160 closely tied with expectations. 0:16:25.120 --> 0:16:29.200 Suppose in a way people expect if your family, that 0:16:29.280 --> 0:16:32.520 you're close, if your family, that you can be put 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:34.920 like you can be in the inner circle. I should 0:16:35.000 --> 0:16:38.040 be knowing you know, I should be I should have 0:16:38.080 --> 0:16:41.360 access to you. And this obviously goes and even with 0:16:41.680 --> 0:16:45.080 I suppose with family more so than anything else, or 0:16:45.160 --> 0:16:47.960 even with friendships. Some people think I've known you forever? 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:51.280 Why now am I not part of this? You know, 0:16:51.320 --> 0:16:53.640 especially like weddings. I'm sure you probably would have solved this. 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:55.880 As you're getting closer and closer to your wedding, people 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:58.000 start to grow up like I being your. 0:16:57.920 --> 0:17:02.200 Bestie, invitation, I'm coming, and I. 0:17:02.120 --> 0:17:05.560 Was just like expectation right that people are like and 0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:09.359 now you have sent that boundary of Ah, Actually, even 0:17:09.400 --> 0:17:12.119 though I've known you forever, we haven't really been. You 0:17:12.119 --> 0:17:14.119 don't even know who Tom is. You don't even know 0:17:14.160 --> 0:17:16.800 the story of how we met. So unfortunately you can't 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:20.280 come to my wedding. Unfortunately you can't participate in that. 0:17:20.480 --> 0:17:22.960 So I guess it's like it's for those people who 0:17:23.000 --> 0:17:26.200 think they ought to be in those spaces and really 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:27.560 they're not. 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:31.719 Yeah, I think that's so true, and I think it's 0:17:32.000 --> 0:17:36.400 boundaries are necessary to manage expectations. So essentially, I think 0:17:36.400 --> 0:17:41.679 with boundaries, you're saying, this is what I expect from you, 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:44.040 or I'm willing to do, or this is how far 0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:47.440 you can come into my life and space, because if 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:50.639 you don't say it, someone will, as you said, expect 0:17:50.800 --> 0:17:54.600 to be at this wedding, this party, this event in 0:17:54.640 --> 0:17:57.280 your social I mean, I can tell you the countless 0:17:57.320 --> 0:18:01.280 times that people have had expectations. I'm like, where did 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:02.040 you come up with this? 0:18:02.320 --> 0:18:05.680 Like no, where is this narrative coming from? 0:18:06.000 --> 0:18:09.199 No? No, no, no no no. So I think you try 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:13.080 to set boundaries so as to manage that. The hard 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:18.840 thing I think, though, is when people have expectations who 0:18:19.320 --> 0:18:25.480 you have no relation with whatsoever, and therefore have not 0:18:25.680 --> 0:18:29.600 set any boundaries because you ain't even do you understand? 0:18:29.640 --> 0:18:31.760 Yeah, I don't even in my periphery. Yeah, I'm even 0:18:31.840 --> 0:18:34.320 thinking about you and like who you boo? 0:18:34.560 --> 0:18:38.320 Yes, And those are the complex wants to really really navigate, 0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:41.600 like where it's it's you're not even I doesn't even 0:18:41.640 --> 0:18:44.840 thinking about you, but you have this expectation. 0:18:44.400 --> 0:18:47.720 Of me, And don't you think people are our high 0:18:47.800 --> 0:18:49.960 school are like that though shout out to high school, 0:18:49.960 --> 0:18:53.520 but like five times PEPs be like school together and 0:18:53.560 --> 0:18:56.720 I'm like and yeah, like that was two thousand and one, 0:18:56.720 --> 0:19:00.000 two thousand and six, child, and twenty three, like absolutely 0:19:00.640 --> 0:19:03.080 have an allegiance to you. I don't know if it's 0:19:03.119 --> 0:19:06.240 because like we suffered together for six years in the bush, 0:19:06.400 --> 0:19:10.040 I don't know what. I don't know, but if we 0:19:10.080 --> 0:19:12.960 ain't obviously we were in each other's spaces, so people 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:15.240 feel like they know you, but you're like, yeah, but 0:19:15.480 --> 0:19:17.240 I was a teen and now I'm like a grown 0:19:17.280 --> 0:19:18.320 ass woman adults. 0:19:18.400 --> 0:19:21.439 Yeah, and also think about it because we were a 0:19:21.480 --> 0:19:26.880 small school. Obviously, you engage with people always in some capacity, however, 0:19:27.920 --> 0:19:31.680 but we were never we were never we're never taed 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:32.000 like that. 0:19:32.480 --> 0:19:33.320 It was never like that. 0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:39.280 Y'are rolling and then all of a sudden, you don't know, 0:19:39.320 --> 0:19:40.960 You're like, why am I? Why am I? Under fire 0:19:42.240 --> 0:19:43.639 knows what I'm talking about? 0:19:46.480 --> 0:19:51.520 You said every you go clearly, and then you're like, WHOA, 0:19:51.720 --> 0:19:54.800 I never said it is, well, how did we get here? 0:19:56.760 --> 0:19:59.800 I was just living my life because also the especially 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:02.360 I think it's tough. I mean, I've had someone put 0:20:02.400 --> 0:20:06.000 boundaries against you, like, hey, don't be you're not allowed, 0:20:06.200 --> 0:20:09.639 don't don't not not don't see this table energy. But 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:13.520 just have you had a time when you thought, like, 0:20:13.560 --> 0:20:15.280 we're talking about weddings, so, I mean it seemed like 0:20:15.320 --> 0:20:17.760 we're the ones flinging people off. But have you ever 0:20:17.800 --> 0:20:20.040 been a time when you've been flung off when you. 0:20:20.080 --> 0:20:22.440 Thought I've not been invited to weddings? 0:20:23.160 --> 0:20:25.359 Yeah? Yeah, Cela VI. 0:20:25.960 --> 0:20:30.600 And like I think I've always maybe because I like 0:20:30.760 --> 0:20:33.200 my space, I've always kind of like, yeah, I respect 0:20:33.200 --> 0:20:37.400 that they have their reasons. We're not that close. Would 0:20:37.440 --> 0:20:39.560 I have loved to go? Sure, but you know, do 0:20:39.600 --> 0:20:42.480 you and especially after getting married now, I'm like i'd 0:20:42.480 --> 0:20:45.000 be understanding. I'll be like, you know, do you. 0:20:45.080 --> 0:20:48.360 Like the budget needs to a budget, the budge. 0:20:48.200 --> 0:20:51.520 Needs to budget. Yeah, I really think about that. And 0:20:51.560 --> 0:20:55.640 I definitely have had boundaries set or I can't recall 0:20:55.720 --> 0:20:59.080 exactly where someone was like, oh you can't oh maybe 0:20:59.119 --> 0:21:01.840 I wasn't invited to party. Maybe I don't know. 0:21:03.280 --> 0:21:05.800 I'm good to me. I know my limits. I don't 0:21:05.960 --> 0:21:06.440 go over. 0:21:07.000 --> 0:21:12.399 Its always been like it's fine, you know, yeah, it's fine. 0:21:13.320 --> 0:21:15.359 I can I can handle it for the most part, 0:21:15.920 --> 0:21:18.120 and I'm sure, of course, there have been situations where 0:21:18.119 --> 0:21:20.119 I've been like, chah, you know, it'd been cool to 0:21:20.160 --> 0:21:23.720 be part of homo or whatever, But in the same breath, 0:21:23.760 --> 0:21:25.520 I'm like, it wasn't for me. 0:21:25.800 --> 0:21:27.359 It is what it is, you know. 0:21:27.440 --> 0:21:29.840 I think you and I can relate to that because 0:21:29.840 --> 0:21:31.119 they're probably overthinkers. 0:21:31.600 --> 0:21:32.159 So before I. 0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:34.200 Wasn't even there's a chance to let the band it down. 0:21:34.960 --> 0:21:40.280 You already like I'm sensing, I'm sensing that maybe maybe 0:21:40.520 --> 0:21:44.000 I'm not gonna be there. I mean plans with my 0:21:44.040 --> 0:21:44.680