Speaker 1: I'm always always.
Speaker 2: Be careful.
Speaker 1: Love those umboo let We'll use your head.
Speaker 2: They will tear you up. Lack a purple talk. Oh
Speaker 2: no no, yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah yeah, oh no no no.
Speaker 2: Hi. I'm Amanda and I'm Rumby.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Its lay It.
Speaker 2: We're in a long distance friendship that started over twenty
Speaker 2: years ago when we were in high school.
Speaker 3: We'll be talking about all things life, love, family, anything
Speaker 3: and everything else under the sun.
Speaker 2: Delve deeper with us because in life, you know my layers.
Speaker 3: Oh no no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah no.
Speaker 2: No, no, Hello everybody, and welcome to another episode of
Speaker 2: It's Layered Podcast.
Speaker 1: I like Joe sound effects.
Speaker 2: Funny enough. I was watching Black af Over again and
Speaker 2: there's this I think it's an episode one or episode two,
Speaker 2: and he's with his wife and then they're like, hey,
Speaker 2: you come against us, basically attack you shouts five, and.
Speaker 1: I was like, I love that.
Speaker 2: I really think I got that prop up from from
Speaker 2: that show or just.
Speaker 3: I really love it got it from like Jamaican or
Speaker 3: of course of course sooner his picture like that's how
Speaker 3: we would be if I ever go to Jamaica.
Speaker 1: They probably look at you like you if someone came
Speaker 1: with a gun.
Speaker 3: I'll be cool about it. Like I will not be
Speaker 3: cool about it. I'll shoots. But exactly right now.
Speaker 2: It's all fun and games in the club un till
Speaker 2: happens for real anyway. So exactly, I just faint. That's like,
Speaker 2: please leave me. I don't know. I'm from here.
Speaker 1: Play I will play.
Speaker 2: I mean, I've watched movies. I'm like, why aren't you
Speaker 2: on the floor like you did? Okay, just get some
Speaker 2: blood from somebody. That's also true. That's also true.
Speaker 3: But I don't know what happenedratuated dealing with.
Speaker 2: Or just zigzag grund. They say, just that's that's, that's.
Speaker 1: It, but all they think got the window.
Speaker 3: I'm sure, why are we even I don't even know
Speaker 3: that's a serious issue from anyway anyway.
Speaker 2: Okay, but yes, welcome, so excited to have you here
Speaker 2: for another brand new episode of It's Layered. What are
Speaker 2: we gonna delve deeper into today? Amanda?
Speaker 3: Oh, this one's I think we've been challenged with this one,
Speaker 3: especially coming from Africans and Barbwean parents. Boundaries rewriting our
Speaker 3: stories and setting them boundaries. Yeah, but African parents to
Speaker 3: be like bounder, what what's yours is mine, But we're
Speaker 3: just gonna really delve deeper onto this. I mean not
Speaker 3: only from our parents' point of view, but friendships, love work,
Speaker 3: all them things. I mean, what are boundaries to you?
Speaker 3: Do you have examples of what a boundary would be
Speaker 3: to you?
Speaker 2: So quite interestingly enough, I was listening to something or
Speaker 2: watching a documentary. I think I was listening to a
Speaker 2: podcast and it was talking about we often talk about
Speaker 2: boundaries where it's limiting. So typically when people hear boundaries,
Speaker 2: it's limiting people's access to your space, saying that they
Speaker 2: only welcome so far. So for example, it's like not
Speaker 2: physical necessarily, I mean you can say who can come
Speaker 2: to your house or of course, but also things like
Speaker 2: who gets to be in on your coming and going.
Speaker 2: And another way is on social media, like you can
Speaker 2: give restricted access, you know, the close friends option on
Speaker 2: Instagram stories, where you can have certain close friends, meaning
Speaker 2: you're excluding everyone else who you don't consider close friends
Speaker 2: from and seeing certain parts of your life or blocking
Speaker 2: certain people. Or for example, when someone asks too much
Speaker 2: about you, like oh what are you doing here? Or
Speaker 2: tell me about this that, and you're like, hmmm, I'd
Speaker 2: rather not because you feel that's too personal for them
Speaker 2: to pass over. Sometimes with workmates, I think too especially.
Speaker 2: But then I was listening to that it was a
Speaker 2: podcast and they were saying, we so often talk about
Speaker 2: like the restriction of like you're not allowed in, but
Speaker 2: we don't talk about boundaries of allowing people into certain spaces.
Speaker 2: I think they were saying, boundaries can be saying you
Speaker 2: are welcome into this space, but also you're not not
Speaker 2: welcome into that space. We often see it as like
Speaker 2: a hold up, back up, but then you have different
Speaker 2: levels of intimacy with people around you. So some people
Speaker 2: are you allow them within a space, and that's it's
Speaker 2: a boundary of sorts, but only a few people get
Speaker 2: to be within that space. That's a form of creating boundaries,
Speaker 2: but in like a positive way or like not a
Speaker 2: backup way. What do you use to define boundaries as.
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm completely in agreeance with you.
Speaker 3: Like I think also with like our generation, right, we
Speaker 3: saw life before social media, the rise of social media,
Speaker 3: and then life like what it is now, And I
Speaker 3: think that's like a good snapshot of boundaries.
Speaker 1: But I do remember when like Facebook started, you'd be.
Speaker 3: Like, oh, you're my friend, and I make you this
Speaker 3: way and that way, and your status was like I'm
Speaker 3: friends with everybody you know, I know from primary school.
Speaker 1: Let's be friends.
Speaker 3: I'll never talk to you again, but let's be friends,
Speaker 3: like you know what I mean. Like we were so
Speaker 3: open with it, and then it probably saw like the
Speaker 3: dangers of that or the ramifications of that, and people
Speaker 3: are over corrected, like you don't even see them on
Speaker 3: the socials at all, and some people are still navigating
Speaker 3: those like Murky, who do I Latin? As you said
Speaker 3: about Instagram and close friends and blocking people and.
Speaker 1: Restricted restrict access all those things.
Speaker 3: I feel like that's what boundaries is to me, Like
Speaker 3: not letting any everyone into your life, into your your
Speaker 3: in a I guess in a circle.
Speaker 1: Would be like the word right or the words.
Speaker 3: But it's also can be like as you said, at
Speaker 3: work spaces of my work colleague, like I'm gonna kicky
Speaker 3: with you on the water cooler, but Saturday and Sunday,
Speaker 3: I don't know who, like don't greet me outside of work,
Speaker 3: like you know those kind of like we're homies under
Speaker 3: this building, but we're not, like yeah, and like so
Speaker 3: the I guess boundaries show themselves up in so many
Speaker 3: different ways.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So would you say that was your first encounter
Speaker 2: with boundaries when you started like restricting who was your
Speaker 2: friend on Facebook and social media, or like before when
Speaker 2: you were younger, or any other time.
Speaker 1: I think for me probably never.
Speaker 3: I never probably labeled it when I was younger, like
Speaker 3: you just didn't realize that that's what you were doing,
Speaker 3: but you were setting boundaries, like I definitely remember, like
Speaker 3: my mom obviously was anwell before she passed away, So
Speaker 3: it was like one of those things where it's like
Speaker 3: you can't be dolving with everybody who's asking, like all
Speaker 3: the antis at church would be like my mom had
Speaker 3: in it, and you're like I can't be like going
Speaker 3: into all the details with you, and she's not, you
Speaker 3: know what I mean, like just quick fast looking at yeah,
Speaker 3: because you just cannot sit there and give everyone like
Speaker 3: a full access, restricted and restrict access into what's really
Speaker 3: going on. So then I think that was probably me
Speaker 3: practicing boundaries and being the doing the whole polite thing
Speaker 3: like I'm telling you, but I'm.
Speaker 1: Still you're still not in the no no, you know.
Speaker 3: So, like I guess at that point I was navigating
Speaker 3: that without even realizing and I feel like that's that
Speaker 3: muscle has just strengthened as I've gone older, because I
Speaker 3: started so young, Like even when social media did start,
Speaker 3: I wasn't a friends with everybody. I was like, who
Speaker 3: are you? Like, I'll just leave you. You don't need those
Speaker 3: friends requests. Just stay there. I've still got a holeless
Speaker 3: you get running there forever.
Speaker 1: So you're in pregatory, was having and I think, but.
Speaker 2: You've definitely always been good at that. I think even
Speaker 2: when we were at school finding out, like when your
Speaker 2: mom did pass away, for a lot of us it
Speaker 2: was like, oh wow, like you were going through all this.
Speaker 2: So I think you really, as you said, you really
Speaker 2: preserved that for you and like your close family. And
Speaker 2: it's totally understandable because imagine dealing.
Speaker 3: What were you going to people's opinion team? Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3: Like everyone feels the need to say something when silence
Speaker 3: is golden, but then it's like a Zimbabweans, we don't
Speaker 3: know what that means. We have to say something because
Speaker 3: it's not all.
Speaker 1: Here then move on.
Speaker 3: And then also that seems a bit rude, right You're like, Okay,
Speaker 3: I also don't want to shoulder everyone's feelings. So it's
Speaker 3: almost like just to say it's all okay, just so
Speaker 3: that you're not having to like bear on advice and
Speaker 3: everyone's do this, do that, like brah, we got like
Speaker 3: what am I going to do?
Speaker 2: And I remember also like as being young as we were,
Speaker 2: we didn't know how to handle our emotions. I remember
Speaker 2: us crying over certain things, a scripture union. Yeah, we're
Speaker 2: just emotional about a lot, Like was just.
Speaker 1: His emotions. I was like, I don't think it's not bad.
Speaker 2: You didn't need that because I just remember just like
Speaker 2: be everything was so deep.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and then you grew up in your deep relaxed
Speaker 3: people also seek to relate to you, right, so when
Speaker 3: you let's them into it in a space and then
Speaker 3: they're like, oh no, I know all about this, sometimes
Speaker 3: it can like actually nullify what you're going through because
Speaker 3: it's like no, you don't actually, but now because you're
Speaker 3: trying to seem like so it's like better to just
Speaker 3: be like, okay, let's just stop here, like I don't
Speaker 3: need you to come in any further. But yeah, when
Speaker 3: did you first realize you could have boundaries?
Speaker 1: I think I've.
Speaker 2: Always had like an element of boundary. Yes, if there's
Speaker 2: such a word. Inherently, I especially as a child, I
Speaker 2: was very much an introvert, so boundary what you didn't
Speaker 2: have to tell me like I was good, you know,
Speaker 2: I don't need people. I'm good. I was happy with
Speaker 2: my books and just really close friends, Like I would
Speaker 2: have like one or two close friends, and those are
Speaker 2: the people that would hang out with, chill with, and
Speaker 2: my diaries those were that's where I let it all out.
Speaker 1: That's di I have a little rock on your diary.
Speaker 2: Never got a locked diary. I don't think I got
Speaker 2: a lockdiry, but I used to. I'm sure my mom
Speaker 2: read a lot of my diaries because I hide them
Speaker 2: insight into you. Yeah is going through yeah exactly. But
Speaker 2: I think I've always had an element of that. But
Speaker 2: I think the moment I really realized that I guess
Speaker 2: I had boundaries, so to speak, was after when I
Speaker 2: started working and I used to go to church and
Speaker 2: people would be like, roomby, you need to smile more,
Speaker 2: you need to be more open, you need to be
Speaker 2: more and I just remember being like huh. Then they're like, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, we see you around the way. You look
Speaker 2: very unapproachable and very much don't mess with me, and
Speaker 2: I'm like, uh, yeah, because I don't want any Tom, Dick,
Speaker 2: Harry or Jim just stepping up to me and talking nonsense.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, like I'm friendly enough, I'm real cute, I'll
Speaker 2: be like hy like you know, blessings, you know, keep it.
Speaker 2: And I just remember being so confused why people felt
Speaker 2: a need to have me be friendly and open. And
Speaker 2: I used to ask, like, what the hell does being
Speaker 2: open me? Does that make sense? Like I, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: I couldn't grasp it. But for me, I was like,
Speaker 2: if you're not going to be close to me and
Speaker 2: I don't want you close to me, why we got
Speaker 2: to pretend I can do like fictitious, hey, hey, conver,
Speaker 2: but like, let's keep it moving. So maybe that's the
Speaker 2: first time that it was really brought up to me that
Speaker 2: hey girl, you're very you know, not so friendly or whatever. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Why do you think influenced that though, or what do
Speaker 3: you think influencers boundaries in general?
Speaker 2: I think feeling cool for me, I think a lot
Speaker 2: of it had to do with feeling unheard or misunderstood,
Speaker 2: and I always felt very misunderstood and kind of strange
Speaker 2: in my own world, per se I had a very
Speaker 2: vivid imagination, and I just enjoyed my own company and
Speaker 2: obviously my upbringing things I've gone through, I loosed up,
Speaker 2: I think in a way. So you just I was
Speaker 2: just like I don't need people, you know, self preservation type.
Speaker 3: Of scenarios like hyper independence on lote unlock.
Speaker 2: But I've been that way since I was a little kid.
Speaker 2: I remember my parents telling me we'd go went from
Speaker 2: my uncle's wedding and I wouldn't let anyone carry me.
Speaker 2: I was like two or something. I was only by
Speaker 2: my mom or then get home. I was like to
Speaker 2: my sister, I was like, Sonny, let's do the dance
Speaker 2: moves from my steps, from them, from chatter from the wedding.
Speaker 2: But that's just who I was.
Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, so you're like absorbing but not
Speaker 3: really participating.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, thousand percent.
Speaker 2: So I think those were the influences and just feeling
Speaker 2: like people always had something to say about me, even
Speaker 2: without me engaging or you know, so I'm like.
Speaker 3: Oh, no, Zimbabwans would just step up and tell you, yes.
Speaker 1: Oh you gained weight. Are you're skinny now? Are You're
Speaker 1: Like there's.
Speaker 2: Exactly So I was just like I don't need all that, Like,
Speaker 2: what's the point you know myself and you, I mean
Speaker 2: I think your mom's illness, Like.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, definitely, but I think also it's also for me.
Speaker 3: It was almost the opposite of view where I got burnt.
Speaker 3: So I learned not to, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: I was like, I let people in, thinking, ah, you know,
Speaker 3: we all care together. They care, They actually care. It's
Speaker 3: not gossiping. It's not you know. I think we've talked
Speaker 3: about this before in previous episodes as well, with the
Speaker 3: rise of AIDS and HIV in Zoom.
Speaker 1: Obviously, when anyone.
Speaker 3: Was sick, people would always assume that's that's what I
Speaker 3: used to say. People, God, I'm like pneumonia.
Speaker 1: Yeah, everybody got pneumonia, you know.
Speaker 3: So I think, like, yeah, it was like letting people
Speaker 3: in and then realizing not to, and then realizing people gossip,
Speaker 3: realizing people make up stories and fill in the blanks themselves,
Speaker 3: and then then you just start to think, Okay, well, actually,
Speaker 3: if I don't need your advice, I don't need your help,
Speaker 3: especially like in ZIM, I guess it ends up being
Speaker 3: financial or familiar support. Then why do you need to
Speaker 3: be in the inner circle. And I'm sure I really
Speaker 3: really remember my dad even probably saying something like that,
Speaker 3: like probably instilling that in us as kids, like this
Speaker 3: is under a roof.
Speaker 1: Nobody needs to be knowing. No one needs to be knowing.
Speaker 3: You know, people say what they're gonna say, but we
Speaker 3: know what's happening. We know my mom's sick, we know
Speaker 3: why this is happening. Like and I guess that just
Speaker 3: makes you realize, oh, so people can't be trusted.
Speaker 1: I can't be an open book with her bad yep.
Speaker 3: Like and I think when you're a kid, you lose
Speaker 3: that innocence where it's like, oh I just innocently told
Speaker 3: you this, and then now you're only using it as ammunition.
Speaker 3: Then you just start to realize, okain, parents, I won't
Speaker 3: probably say parents, adults also use kids to weaponize. You know,
Speaker 3: they get the information from kids. You know, they're like
Speaker 3: it's like, as your creetic guy, you're not happening, You're
Speaker 3: likely like people you're telling I.
Speaker 1: That's what Amanda was.
Speaker 3: Saying, the things like yeah, you just start to realize, oh, okay,
Speaker 3: this is, this is why this is And not to
Speaker 3: say you lie, but just you just find ways to
Speaker 3: avoid the convo, like kind of short like yeah, we're good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely absolutely So would you say that boundaries are
Speaker 2: closely tied with expectations.
Speaker 3: Suppose in a way people expect if your family, that
Speaker 3: you're close, if your family, that you can be put
Speaker 3: like you can be in the inner circle. I should
Speaker 3: be knowing you know, I should be I should have
Speaker 3: access to you. And this obviously goes and even with
Speaker 3: I suppose with family more so than anything else, or
Speaker 3: even with friendships. Some people think I've known you forever?
Speaker 3: Why now am I not part of this? You know,
Speaker 3: especially like weddings. I'm sure you probably would have solved this.
Speaker 3: As you're getting closer and closer to your wedding, people
Speaker 3: start to grow up like I being your.
Speaker 2: Bestie, invitation, I'm coming, and I.
Speaker 3: Was just like expectation right that people are like and
Speaker 3: now you have sent that boundary of Ah, Actually, even
Speaker 3: though I've known you forever, we haven't really been. You
Speaker 3: don't even know who Tom is. You don't even know
Speaker 3: the story of how we met. So unfortunately you can't
Speaker 3: come to my wedding. Unfortunately you can't participate in that.
Speaker 3: So I guess it's like it's for those people who
Speaker 3: think they ought to be in those spaces and really
Speaker 3: they're not.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's so true, and I think it's
Speaker 2: boundaries are necessary to manage expectations. So essentially, I think
Speaker 2: with boundaries, you're saying, this is what I expect from you,
Speaker 2: or I'm willing to do, or this is how far
Speaker 2: you can come into my life and space, because if
Speaker 2: you don't say it, someone will, as you said, expect
Speaker 2: to be at this wedding, this party, this event in
Speaker 2: your social I mean, I can tell you the countless
Speaker 2: times that people have had expectations. I'm like, where did
Speaker 2: you come up with this?
Speaker 3: Like no, where is this narrative coming from?
Speaker 2: No? No, no, no no no. So I think you try
Speaker 2: to set boundaries so as to manage that. The hard
Speaker 2: thing I think, though, is when people have expectations who
Speaker 2: you have no relation with whatsoever, and therefore have not
Speaker 2: set any boundaries because you ain't even do you understand?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't even in my periphery. Yeah, I'm even
Speaker 3: thinking about you and like who you boo?
Speaker 2: Yes, And those are the complex wants to really really navigate,
Speaker 2: like where it's it's you're not even I doesn't even
Speaker 2: thinking about you, but you have this expectation.
Speaker 3: Of me, And don't you think people are our high
Speaker 3: school are like that though shout out to high school,
Speaker 3: but like five times PEPs be like school together and
Speaker 3: I'm like and yeah, like that was two thousand and one,
Speaker 3: two thousand and six, child, and twenty three, like absolutely
Speaker 3: have an allegiance to you. I don't know if it's
Speaker 3: because like we suffered together for six years in the bush,
Speaker 3: I don't know what. I don't know, but if we
Speaker 3: ain't obviously we were in each other's spaces, so people
Speaker 3: feel like they know you, but you're like, yeah, but
Speaker 3: I was a teen and now I'm like a grown
Speaker 3: ass woman adults.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and also think about it because we were a
Speaker 2: small school. Obviously, you engage with people always in some capacity, however,
Speaker 2: but we were never we were never we're never taed
Speaker 2: like that.
Speaker 1: It was never like that.
Speaker 2: Y'are rolling and then all of a sudden, you don't know,
Speaker 2: You're like, why am I? Why am I? Under fire
Speaker 2: knows what I'm talking about?
Speaker 3: You said every you go clearly, and then you're like, WHOA,
Speaker 3: I never said it is, well, how did we get here?
Speaker 3: I was just living my life because also the especially
Speaker 3: I think it's tough. I mean, I've had someone put
Speaker 3: boundaries against you, like, hey, don't be you're not allowed,
Speaker 3: don't don't not not don't see this table energy. But
Speaker 3: just have you had a time when you thought, like,
Speaker 3: we're talking about weddings, so, I mean it seemed like
Speaker 3: we're the ones flinging people off. But have you ever
Speaker 3: been a time when you've been flung off when you.
Speaker 2: Thought I've not been invited to weddings?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, Cela VI.
Speaker 2: And like I think I've always maybe because I like
Speaker 2: my space, I've always kind of like, yeah, I respect
Speaker 2: that they have their reasons. We're not that close. Would
Speaker 2: I have loved to go? Sure, but you know, do
Speaker 2: you and especially after getting married now, I'm like i'd
Speaker 2: be understanding. I'll be like, you know, do you.
Speaker 1: Like the budget needs to a budget, the budge.
Speaker 2: Needs to budget. Yeah, I really think about that. And
Speaker 2: I definitely have had boundaries set or I can't recall
Speaker 2: exactly where someone was like, oh you can't oh maybe
Speaker 2: I wasn't invited to party. Maybe I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm good to me. I know my limits. I don't
Speaker 1: go over.
Speaker 2: Its always been like it's fine, you know, yeah, it's fine.
Speaker 2: I can I can handle it for the most part,
Speaker 2: and I'm sure, of course, there have been situations where
Speaker 2: I've been like, chah, you know, it'd been cool to
Speaker 2: be part of homo or whatever, But in the same breath,
Speaker 2: I'm like, it wasn't for me.
Speaker 1: It is what it is, you know.
Speaker 3: I think you and I can relate to that because
Speaker 3: they're probably overthinkers.
Speaker 2: So before I.
Speaker 1: Wasn't even there's a chance to let the band it down.
Speaker 2: You already like I'm sensing, I'm sensing that maybe maybe
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna be there. I mean plans with my
Speaker 2: other homies.
Speaker 1: I've already done this scenario in the shower. I know
Speaker 1: I ain't going and how I'm going to react, So
Speaker 1: you no time to hurt me.
Speaker 3: I got already hurt myself, like already got I think
Speaker 3: I do think that's probably why you and we probably
Speaker 3: haven't had because I'm trying to think those people who
Speaker 3: do that to us.
Speaker 1: Do they really think like we homies?
Speaker 3: And it's like obviously they do, so why what's the
Speaker 3: difference in character of personality? And it must be that
Speaker 3: we already have those boundaries like no, but we're not
Speaker 3: cool like that. Yeah, and some people don't roll like that.
Speaker 3: Some people really do think no, no, no, I'm cool,
Speaker 3: we're about it.
Speaker 2: Yes, you know, yes, I definitely don't have that energy.
Speaker 3: No, I'm I'm probably the opposite. Sometimes I even like
Speaker 3: downplay my relationship with someone but way like and I'm like, oh, oh,
Speaker 3: you want me to speak at your wedding, or like
Speaker 3: oh my god, I don't even think you know, I
Speaker 3: feel like honored. It's more like because I really like
Speaker 3: put myself on the so the overthinker in me has
Speaker 3: already been like no side, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just
Speaker 3: an acquaintance. Especially with work buddies. I've found a lot
Speaker 3: of times I've underestimated my impact in terms of friendship
Speaker 3: because you know, when you're like having work functions, the
Speaker 3: person at work could be talking about there whatever it
Speaker 3: is function coming up, and obviously when you're planning a
Speaker 3: function and you're coming to work all the time, you
Speaker 3: tend to then talk about it with your work colleagues
Speaker 3: and then maybe they invite you. This is the thing
Speaker 3: to yourself, Ah, maybe I'm what a pretty invite. You know,
Speaker 3: It's not really like I'm not rolling deep with this person.
Speaker 3: And then you get there and you realize, oh, actually
Speaker 3: this person's actually really leaning on me. And since they've
Speaker 3: been chatting about a work and you know, going through
Speaker 3: color schemes and all these things that you've been chatting about,
Speaker 3: you actually did have an impact much more.
Speaker 1: And it's always that weird thing where the overthinking enemy.
Speaker 3: Is like, oh, oh sorry, oops, you know whatever, Yes
Speaker 3: for chatting, but this person's actually really valuing.
Speaker 1: Your opinion and letting you in into that like in
Speaker 1: a space.
Speaker 2: But I think also it could be trauma met like
Speaker 2: how you and I overthink and then downplay our kind
Speaker 2: of roles some of there.
Speaker 1: Right, Like, yeah, for sure, there's some therapy sessions I
Speaker 1: need to.
Speaker 2: Be add that's not necessarily healthy to be like, oh
Speaker 2: I don't matter that much to that prience. Yeah, because
Speaker 2: on the flip side of that, you have the whole
Speaker 2: I don't have anyone, like then you go extreme, at
Speaker 2: least I do, because I'll be like, oh girl, I
Speaker 2: got no friends. I'm alone in this world. I don't
Speaker 2: I go through those places, right, and of course no.
Speaker 1: One, no one understands me, yes, Like it's.
Speaker 2: Only me in this world and got me. You only
Speaker 2: got you girl, And my husband's right there and I'm like, no,
Speaker 2: but you only got you girl. It's only you in
Speaker 2: this world. So obviously this are very yeah.
Speaker 3: Out side of that, just yeah, yes, there's some people
Speaker 3: we just don't have that aspect.
Speaker 1: I've along you don't work.
Speaker 3: Because even at the funerals, this are the ones who'll
Speaker 3: be coming climbing from the game and you're like, don't
Speaker 3: you get boundaries?
Speaker 1: Like you know?
Speaker 3: And then sometimes, like you know, I recently had a
Speaker 3: workmate of mine her husband passed away, and it's like
Speaker 3: she wants me to stay when we at the funeral,
Speaker 3: and I'm thinking, what why, Like, dude, yeah, with your
Speaker 3: family now. But she also, I guess also in saying
Speaker 3: that she wanted that comfort of just talking about anything
Speaker 3: else apart from you know, just tell me some more gossip,
Speaker 3: anything to get our mind off things. But I also
Speaker 3: had to respect her allowing me into that inner circle
Speaker 3: for that time being, because it's like, Wow, this is
Speaker 3: actually like a revered space to be in real life.
Speaker 3: And yeah, but like I already like how my king
Speaker 3: is at my bag? Like need to jump back around.
Speaker 2: Please this But the thing is I think in those
Speaker 2: situations and I've noticed it, sometimes you really do want
Speaker 2: a friend because family gets so intense. And I found
Speaker 2: it even at my wedding and Maroa. I've said it
Speaker 2: to you and my other bridesmaids close friends. I was like,
Speaker 2: y'all helped me done. Because as as anyone starts being like,
Speaker 2: you just need someone who's like, what do you need?
Speaker 2: I got you, or just to come in and you
Speaker 2: guys just swooped in and did you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: And it just takes no questions asked as someone who
Speaker 2: can read you and knows you. And even if you
Speaker 2: can just say, okay, this is stressing out, they'll be like,
Speaker 2: you don't need to worry about that.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, h I'll deal with that. Come talk to me.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah yeah.
Speaker 2: So that there's a place for that. But sometimes we
Speaker 2: end up re doownplay because what bloodbeat think about water?
Speaker 3: Yeah, especially in these spaces. I mean like I mean,
Speaker 3: I was obviously blessed to be at your waiting. I
Speaker 3: was blessed to be a two's waiting and then you're like, okay,
Speaker 3: I'm the one with this person and diaspora, right, but
Speaker 3: like now when the real quote unquote family is around,
Speaker 3: what's my role? Like, you know, so it's like, okay,
Speaker 3: then do I just and I guess, as you said
Speaker 3: the inner child, it means like, you know, you're not alarmed,
Speaker 3: don't have to invite you, you know, because it's like
Speaker 3: such a weird and I think a lot of people
Speaker 3: who live in the USPROBA probably feel this a lot,
Speaker 3: where it's like your friends become your family.
Speaker 1: But then when the real.
Speaker 3: Quotes unquote family is around and maybe you've really spent
Speaker 3: much time with them, because I mean, come on, we
Speaker 3: can't all afford to see our family all the time,
Speaker 3: then it's like, okay, now you're saying, oh, this is
Speaker 3: my friend Rumby, who I always and now always. But
Speaker 3: then I was like, how do I introduce her into this?
Speaker 3: Because they also feel like I'm your sister, I'm your brother,
Speaker 3: I'm your He's like the weird thing of really boundaries.
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, for sure. And I think what's great
Speaker 2: is now friends are meeting family, like you've met my
Speaker 2: family over and over and you know they know you,
Speaker 2: and likewise like you've included me with your family with
Speaker 2: myself family, Like so it goes. But I totally get
Speaker 2: there's always this line of.
Speaker 1: Like then you know, yeah, yeah, I remember the.
Speaker 2: Last was it last? Did you see each other the
Speaker 2: last Christmas?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 3: Yes, oh my god, such a long time I know.
Speaker 2: But like even then when you're like, oh, come stay
Speaker 2: with the family, and I was like, yeah, right, because
Speaker 2: you're like, what's my place? And how to have friends
Speaker 2: who get that in a way, because now pins out
Speaker 2: like in places where you don't belong, you're just entering.
Speaker 3: Yeah, will make you feel at ease, Like I would
Speaker 3: hope that even when you came to stay with myself
Speaker 3: that you were at ease, not like you've invited me
Speaker 3: to this space.
Speaker 1: Now I feel like an outsider, like what's happening here?
Speaker 1: Like I don't know.
Speaker 2: It's so then our families get too comfortable with you know,
Speaker 2: like you don't need to be so comfortable.
Speaker 1: And even Valencin in five years they act like they
Speaker 1: saw you yesterday.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Even with your homies now they're getting to come
Speaker 2: from like relass relax homies as an extension of you
Speaker 2: who goes.
Speaker 3: How do you think boundaries play a role in like
Speaker 3: romantic relationships, work, friendships, etc.
Speaker 2: Uh? Crucial necessary, And I think people think it's weird.
Speaker 2: I'll take relationships. I think people think it's weird to
Speaker 2: have romantic relationships, specifically boundaries and romantic relationships. But I'm like, oh,
Speaker 2: that's the most important because you need to be able
Speaker 2: to trust someone. And I think you can be very
Speaker 2: honest and open with someone and vulnerable with someone, but
Speaker 2: also have certain boundaries, like, for instance, like being able
Speaker 2: to say, you know, I just need some me time now,
Speaker 2: Like that is't wrong, that's just like you need to
Speaker 2: feel up on yourself, and likewise they will need to.
Speaker 2: You know, we're not trying to be codependent as people
Speaker 2: things like that or you know, I would really appreciate
Speaker 2: like we don't share. You don't talk about this aspect
Speaker 2: of my life with X people. That's setting a boundary,
Speaker 2: they know. But you're saying like when it comes to sharing,
Speaker 2: like let's just keep it between you and I. That's
Speaker 2: the part of the trust and so on and so forth.
Speaker 3: Worksh Hey, the work, ones, man, I'll let you take
Speaker 3: a fast work.
Speaker 1: Want to be thick and fast because PEPs who.
Speaker 3: Like I went from on Perth, I used to be like, no, young, innocent,
Speaker 3: she's your first job. Like and then as I said, right,
Speaker 3: of social media. I've been friends with everybody at work.
Speaker 3: Then that day take a day off. You're like, you know,
Speaker 3: I got to be hiding people from you know, Like
Speaker 3: I mean I went from bad extreme yeah, to like
Speaker 3: the other extreme now where I'm like, I'm not friends
Speaker 3: with my work like outside of work, it's your work colleague.
Speaker 1: Like that is literally it.
Speaker 3: And I think it's just because obviously, I guess a
Speaker 3: lot of boundaries are learned by being burnt where you're like, okay,
Speaker 3: maybe now it's two.
Speaker 1: It's like the lines are being blurred.
Speaker 3: Now information you know is a friend supposedly now you're
Speaker 3: using against me at.
Speaker 1: Work, you know what I mean. It's it's like and
Speaker 1: really I don't want.
Speaker 2: To be my friend sometimes in the situation.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, it's really when it's like a ladder to clown,
Speaker 3: it's like, you know, putting against each other.
Speaker 1: Then it's like, yeah, no, I need to sit bounce people.
Speaker 2: Also, because for me, I think I go into as
Speaker 2: much as I'm saying, I'm like, oh I said boundaries
Speaker 2: or I have mad love for people, like I care
Speaker 2: about people the people if I if I care about you,
Speaker 2: I really do, really and truly. So if we are
Speaker 2: developing a quote unquote friendship within a work environment. I
Speaker 2: feel like I should you know, you want to trust
Speaker 2: this person, but I don't learned. If you don't work,
Speaker 2: you learn that. Yeah, often times that's not the case
Speaker 2: and you can't fully trust in those scenarios. So for me,
Speaker 2: I'm with you. I'm like, maybe we can go for drinks,
Speaker 2: like you know, once in a while, just to be
Speaker 2: like sociable and all that. But that's about it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like the ones that get crossed a
Speaker 3: lot for me are friendships.
Speaker 1: This is like someone just thinks at I know you
Speaker 1: have known you, you know what it's like.
Speaker 3: No, but now I want to do it this way,
Speaker 3: and I want to rewrite my story.
Speaker 1: I don't want to do that anymore.
Speaker 3: Let's say, for example, I'm just throwing out something like
Speaker 3: like I don't want to drink anymore, and this is
Speaker 3: a friend you used to drink with, and it's like
Speaker 3: there's always that like pressure like no, but we used
Speaker 3: to always do this. Because people don't also want to
Speaker 3: let go of things they've always done right, especially when
Speaker 3: you seemingly seem like you're above that now or you're
Speaker 3: over that now and they're not, and it's like, yeah,
Speaker 3: but I've changed, my story has changed. I'm not the
Speaker 3: same old person, like as much as i'm your friend.
Speaker 3: But then it's like then you find those people like
Speaker 3: I don't know if you've ever had this, I've had
Speaker 3: this a lot, like when you go back to zim
Speaker 3: and you go back with a friend, or even when
Speaker 3: I went back to myself and it's like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 3: Even the way you speak is different, even the way
Speaker 3: you like, but it's like you revert.
Speaker 1: Back to the person you used to that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like you know you're wrapping or the lingo used
Speaker 3: to wrap in high school or whatever it is like
Speaker 3: with that person, because that's the bond that you had.
Speaker 1: But then now you're like, no, but now I'm this new.
Speaker 3: Other person and at the tipele don't respect boundaries and
Speaker 3: it becomes a bit like oh she changes, like not changing,
Speaker 3: it's just that with different people like what you used
Speaker 3: to know absolutely and I've had it.
Speaker 2: Not this, I mean similar to what we were talking
Speaker 2: about earlier, where people still box you into this thing
Speaker 2: that this is who you are and you're like, no, sweetie,
Speaker 2: not anymore. You knew me at like thirteen. That was
Speaker 2: how many years ago. So absolutely, and for me, I
Speaker 2: think with friendships, it's I've been very blessed and you're
Speaker 2: not spoken about this. I don't have a plethora of
Speaker 2: friends or like a you know, I have a good
Speaker 2: group of core friends and people who are friends, you know,
Speaker 2: in an extended way. But I've been blessed that the
Speaker 2: core group of friends I've had have almost developed most
Speaker 2: of the friendships have developed into a form of sisterhood,
Speaker 2: if that makes sense. And with that being able to say, Okay,
Speaker 2: you're in this phase and understand each person's phase, like
Speaker 2: this is where you're at, and respecting and just supporting
Speaker 2: a lot of the times, not being in communication as
Speaker 2: frequently as we would if we live in the same
Speaker 2: place and.
Speaker 1: The same you know. Yeah yeah, But so that.
Speaker 2: Has been a blessing for me. I think the hard
Speaker 2: part is new friendships as I've become an adult, of
Speaker 2: like trying to create these friendships and what are the
Speaker 2: boundaries or like, you know, I'm not always up to
Speaker 2: do this or you know, and things like that that
Speaker 2: I find is something I've had to navigate as an adult.
Speaker 2: It's like trying to push myself out of my comfort
Speaker 2: zone because hey, you want to make friends in the
Speaker 2: space you're in, but then also being like, okay, give
Speaker 2: and take, because as adults, you're so quick to be like,
Speaker 2: you know, this is too much work by you know, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: it becomes like that absolutely, And so you're trying to
Speaker 2: set boundaries by but also still be open to developing
Speaker 2: and enriching the friendship, which is something in and of itself.
Speaker 3: So yeah, how have you reacted when boundaries have been pushed?
Speaker 1: Though? How do you think you react?
Speaker 3: You just got me thinking about it, Like, when someone
Speaker 3: doesn't respect your boundaries?
Speaker 1: How does one react?
Speaker 3: Because I know for me, like, I find it hard
Speaker 3: to have those conversations.
Speaker 1: I think because I'm like, I don't know, come off
Speaker 1: as rude.
Speaker 2: But I also like, but then I think for me,
Speaker 2: I don't like having uncomfortable conversations, especially if we're not
Speaker 2: close like that, Like it's a very weird thing. And
Speaker 2: when boundaries across, I try to give my perspective respectfully
Speaker 2: and then leave it at that. I'm also I'm not
Speaker 2: afraid to like let go away girl, and I've been
Speaker 2: and I've been unalized for that. I've been told like, oh,
Speaker 2: just you could just so you know, but I really
Speaker 2: maybe because as since forever, as we spoke about, I've
Speaker 2: been able to just do me and I know I have,
Speaker 2: like I said, a good core group of people who
Speaker 2: are truly there for me and support me. So I'm like,
Speaker 2: you know, what we're not going to do is you're
Speaker 2: not going to what's a reverse psychology? What reverse psychology?
Speaker 2: My request for partner?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: But it's hard because you know, you want friendships to
Speaker 2: work out, you want things to go in a certain way.
Speaker 2: But at the same time, I'm like cost benefit, I'm balanced,
Speaker 2: and the cost is too high. It's fine, It's fine.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I'm the family as well, even like financial boundaries.
Speaker 1: Someone has been so hard for me.
Speaker 3: Could you end up just like not letting people in
Speaker 3: because you're like, you're gonna use this against me, You're
Speaker 3: gonna so like it's so hard because it's like, you know, no,
Speaker 3: it's a complete sentence, and it's hard for people, especially
Speaker 3: Zimbabwean people to.
Speaker 1: Understand as you know, they an explanation.
Speaker 3: Or then you end making up stories and it's just
Speaker 3: like no, but when you ask someone a question or
Speaker 3: ask someone for help, I can say no and that's okay,
Speaker 3: And I think that's a concept was still trying to
Speaker 3: wrap our heads around, especially like zim familiessus, like no,
Speaker 3: I've asked you, so I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Speaker 3: And it's like okay, So whether I said yes or no,
Speaker 3: it didn't matter. It was just like, Okay, this is
Speaker 3: what this one needs to happen, and it's going to happen.
Speaker 3: It was like, I think that I've learned a lot
Speaker 3: since moving to Australia, like exercising that no or just
Speaker 3: plain ass and ignoring people or sometimes just not even responding.
Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh, that.
Speaker 2: Family encroaching thing you and you and I talk about
Speaker 2: it all the time, and it's like, is the thorn
Speaker 2: in the side of my flex just All said in
Speaker 2: one of his versus, I think it's Philippians, maybe Corinthia.
Speaker 2: I don't know. No, that's gone and yeah. And then
Speaker 2: when you try to set boundaries, it's like who you,
Speaker 2: what are you?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Or who am I to you?
Speaker 3: I'm your I'm your dad, Yeah, their hands, you should
Speaker 3: treat me like this. And I feel like especially our parents'
Speaker 3: generation and older didn't have boundaries. Their boundaries are constantly
Speaker 3: like being disrespected. So to them, they're like no, no, no,
Speaker 3: older people can can disrespect your boundaries, doesn't matter. Like
Speaker 3: once I'm older person tells you to do something, you
Speaker 3: do it. So then for them to then flip their
Speaker 3: hands to realize that their kids want boundaries, it's like what.
Speaker 2: Is this?
Speaker 3: You know, when I ask for something, I get it
Speaker 3: from my child, like that is the way it works.
Speaker 1: And then you're like no, no, no, no, no no no,
Speaker 1: there's not the way it works.
Speaker 2: That's no exactly, But do you feel that once boundaries
Speaker 2: are set, it's an opportunity for us to rewrite our
Speaker 2: story or day to day life like do you.
Speaker 1: Think I do? I do?
Speaker 2: I think?
Speaker 3: I mean?
Speaker 1: I mean my message.
Speaker 3: But also being a new mom has been another opportunity
Speaker 3: to set boundaries because people will be like with your
Speaker 3: if you're like willing really with your child people also
Speaker 3: just so you you like also need to then know
Speaker 3: what you what what are boundaries and what are like Okay,
Speaker 3: maybe I'm being too much of a helicopter mom here
Speaker 3: or maybe like no, really I have to advocate and
Speaker 3: set boundaries for my kids, you know, like a recent
Speaker 3: one of mine is. To give an example, is like
Speaker 3: talking about jeroms hair. So a lot of times jeroms
Speaker 3: around Caucasian kids. So to them when they see they, oh,
Speaker 3: I love is curls, And the next word they use
Speaker 3: is wild.
Speaker 1: I love as curls.
Speaker 3: There's so wild, And you're like, you aren't necessarily wild,
Speaker 3: you don't know. They make it seem like it's a joke,
Speaker 3: like it's a passing comment and a part of the.
Speaker 1: Yeah girl.
Speaker 3: At some times it's like, after a while, I'm like, Okay, no, actually,
Speaker 3: I don't want this to be a repeated statement, repeated
Speaker 3: sentiment around his hair.
Speaker 1: Yes he has curls.
Speaker 3: Yes they grow wherever way they are really, Yes they're
Speaker 3: not going to be perfectly coiled and growing whatever. But
Speaker 3: it's like the word wild to me is wild like
Speaker 3: that so upon a lot of times, and now I'm
Speaker 3: correcting people. That's a boundary for me. I'm like, no,
Speaker 3: I'm really intentional about what I say about us hair.
Speaker 3: So please you know you can use it or like
Speaker 3: And I think people say it without thinking.
Speaker 1: But it's like, when you're already added.
Speaker 3: You don't need all these words that make you feel
Speaker 3: even more.
Speaker 1: I know it's only one but it's like I need
Speaker 1: to start.
Speaker 2: I love us here, girl, that's a sentence. Stop stop,
Speaker 2: It's all good, nothing more.
Speaker 3: And like the touching, obviously that's another thing standard and
Speaker 3: you're just like, yeah, okay, I need to now set
Speaker 3: boundaries and be like very swift and fast with them.
Speaker 3: I can't just be like ha make people feel everyone
Speaker 3: feels comfortable apart from me and him, Like, what's the
Speaker 3: point in that?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you know, that's.
Speaker 1: That's that's I don't know, what do you think about
Speaker 1: rewriting our.
Speaker 2: Story absolutely, because as you said, our ancestors probably didn't
Speaker 2: even have boundary. What none of the vocabulary. Is there
Speaker 2: even a show a word and really word for boundaries.
Speaker 2: I don't actually think there's a boundary boundary. They'll be
Speaker 2: like say what now, so there was no such thing.
Speaker 2: And I think our people are learning, like by us
Speaker 2: now trying to re set these boundaries, re rewriting the
Speaker 2: narrative of being black zoom a woman African child. And
Speaker 2: I think it takes a lot of gods men, because
Speaker 2: it'd be rough. And you know, for me, it's at
Speaker 2: this age still having a fear of telling my parents
Speaker 2: no or saying I want this so I don't want
Speaker 2: this or this is where I'm going or and just
Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm thirty five, I tt you, how is
Speaker 2: that normal? And then I Youmber, you know, when we
Speaker 2: were kids would go visit my grandparents and they're very religious.
Speaker 2: So my aunts and uncles, you know, they pretend they
Speaker 2: don't drink. They just be drinking out of monks, you know.
Speaker 2: And by looking at them and I'm like, we all
Speaker 2: know you drink, we all know mons. But because they
Speaker 2: were at their parents' house, they were now drinking out
Speaker 2: of the mug. You know, they knew the boundaries, Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2: So it's kind of us setting and saying like this
Speaker 2: is who I am, and you know, hopefully for the
Speaker 2: betterment of our future generations and children, because YO like
Speaker 2: this boundary, this life, Like I just think of just
Speaker 2: the lack of privacy and just you know what you
Speaker 2: what I say goes or what do you mean you
Speaker 2: need time? What do you mean you need space? What
Speaker 2: do you mean you are this that or other? Like
Speaker 2: where you know in your spirits you don't need this
Speaker 2: or don't want this, or don't want to be around
Speaker 2: this family member or don't need this family member's opinion
Speaker 2: or don't need so many things, and then it's like
Speaker 2: you had no right and it's like wow, do you
Speaker 2: know how? You know? It takes away your authority for
Speaker 2: your own life. So I think it's definitely we're starting
Speaker 2: to rewrite and it's hard. So anybody out there struggling.
Speaker 1: Charlie, there weren't you.
Speaker 2: I'm right when you're on that. Actually, someone who.
Speaker 3: Is listening, how do you think they can set their
Speaker 3: own boundaries?
Speaker 1: What do you think the first steps would be?
Speaker 2: Well, I think the first steps actually are an understanding
Speaker 2: of what makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable,
Speaker 2: because I think when you have grown or been in
Speaker 2: an environment so long where you haven't had boundaries, you
Speaker 2: start not understanding or hearing yourself. And I think I
Speaker 2: literally went through a moment where my inner child we
Speaker 2: all have an inner child or in a person, was like, basically,
Speaker 2: you're you're doing me wrong, right, You're doing a gangster like,
Speaker 2: who's taking care of me? Who's protecting me? That's literally
Speaker 2: how it felt. I felt so exposed and so like
Speaker 2: I'm cared for, so taking a moment to listen to say, Okay,
Speaker 2: I don't feel comfortable when X happens. I don't feel
Speaker 2: comfortable when why happens. Start by paying attention to that,
Speaker 2: and then what environments do those feelings come up in
Speaker 2: or what situations? And it's just learning. It's hard to
Speaker 2: say no, y'all is hard.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's awkward in some ways. It's awkward, right because
Speaker 3: you also I feel like you also have to learn.
Speaker 1: Which language to use.
Speaker 3: And I say this from work as well, like because
Speaker 3: obviously you know WhatsApp, someone who grab your number from
Speaker 3: work for whatever reason, maybe you went to a conference,
Speaker 3: I don't know, whatever the reason, and then now they're like, Yo,
Speaker 3: what's up, baddie, And you're like, ah, no, like there's
Speaker 3: a boundary. You know, that number was only given that
Speaker 3: certain scenario, not for you to now hollow at me and.
Speaker 1: See my status and not just to be lucking you,
Speaker 1: you know. So it's like it's like learning that as well.
Speaker 3: Like I've learned, I've learned the last couple of years
Speaker 3: to really be like and swift with things. I feel
Speaker 3: like sometimes a lot of people's excuse is, ah, but.
Speaker 1: You never had a problem with this, you know? Now?
Speaker 1: Why is it a problem now? Like you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, and I was like, yeah, now I do
Speaker 1: or I.
Speaker 3: Didn't find the words to tell you before and now
Speaker 3: it really see the effect this has on me. I
Speaker 3: don't like it, like don't don't do this, don't do that,
Speaker 3: and like I feel like yeah, finding the right language
Speaker 3: where it's like it still lands okay, but it's still
Speaker 3: firm enough to be like, yes, this this being.
Speaker 2: And you may find that you may actually need to
Speaker 2: start with that block button or limiting who can see
Speaker 2: your WhatsApp stages or unfriending. I went through a phase
Speaker 2: of that heavy and I was just like, uh, we
Speaker 2: not I don't feel and you know, things like that.
Speaker 2: You know how we they say we should what cleans our.
Speaker 1: Feeds or social media?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's the same would say who has
Speaker 2: access to you and your social media? That's why you
Speaker 2: have an accounts. You can also do that. Yeah, I
Speaker 2: just I just went through a phase where I was
Speaker 2: like I just don't need that. And also choosing where
Speaker 2: I share and for me mostly yeah, I think that
Speaker 2: I share is probably one on one direct conversation with
Speaker 2: me and somebody. So it evolves and then eventually you
Speaker 2: just say I'd rather not you know, I'm sorry, I can't. Still,
Speaker 2: I still feel like I over explained myself.
Speaker 3: I was about to say that, especially in the workspace
Speaker 3: someone who hollered you after five and they'll be like,
Speaker 3: I don't can you do this? And now we're like, no, sorry,
Speaker 3: I can't. I got a doctor's no. No, it was
Speaker 3: a complete senterm.
Speaker 2: No, it's a completing and it's okay, just to good morning, exactly,
Speaker 2: I'll deal with this tomorrow morning. Or like if someone
Speaker 2: messages you, I will not open the message until work. Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's that's when I am exactly. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I think I've learned.
Speaker 3: You have to learn to be unapologetic with it, like
Speaker 3: you're not being rude, You're just actually stating your boundaries.
Speaker 3: And there should be within the confines of where it
Speaker 3: makes sense, like obviously, if you mean to be at
Speaker 3: work and you're like, I know, only answered tomorrow doesn't
Speaker 3: make sense exactly.
Speaker 2: Like his name?
Speaker 1: What was that guy?
Speaker 2: That Jewish the chumpster? What's his name? He was in youth?
Speaker 2: That was no, no, no, no, he's one of those, Yes,
Speaker 2: one of the one I know the session.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I need to find this.
Speaker 2: Let me find Jonah Hill, Jonah Hill, don't be Jonah Hill. Okay,
Speaker 2: if y'all don't know what Jonah Hill did. He was
Speaker 2: dating a surfer. They met, she was a surfer and
Speaker 2: obviously she wore swimsuits for her job. It's like that's
Speaker 2: her life and he's been going through therapy. Isn't even
Speaker 2: as a show on Netflix right about therapist because he's
Speaker 2: so woke now you know, he can't shut them eyes
Speaker 2: sometimes he needs to do, I feel. But basically he
Speaker 2: gave her an ultimate time yeah, and ultimatum, saying I
Speaker 2: don't like when you wear certain things when you're surfing.
Speaker 2: I don't like you surfing with dudes. I don't like controlling.
Speaker 2: These are my boundaries. I don't want to be with
Speaker 2: someone who is what what what? That is misuse of
Speaker 2: boundary and therapy speak, because he absolutely knew who he
Speaker 2: was going into a relationship with. He probably was into
Speaker 2: her because she dressed.
Speaker 1: On the side.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, mort you know things like that. So
Speaker 2: obviously we're not saying use it manipulatively, but use it
Speaker 2: to because ultimately, what your boundaries are for, it's for
Speaker 2: protecting and caring for yourself, especially.
Speaker 1: In your sanity.
Speaker 2: Yeah, your sanity and I was talking about that inner
Speaker 2: child that in a person with you because you know
Speaker 2: and you something don't feel right. How man, how many
Speaker 2: horror stories, thrillers documentaries have you watched when they're like, oh,
Speaker 2: I knew something wasn't right. Gabrielle Union, when she had
Speaker 2: her unfortunate experience and ended up being raped, she writes
Speaker 2: about it and talks about she's like she just knew,
Speaker 2: like she had an inkling feeling. And it's not to
Speaker 2: say these people are to blame, but I think what
Speaker 2: they're saying is we sometimes over rationalize and say no, no, no,
Speaker 2: I'm being ridiculous, No, no, no, but it's some something
Speaker 2: within you is telling you it ain't right. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And I find like boundaries are personal a lot of times.
Speaker 3: They don't have to do with what everybody else is doing. Yes,
Speaker 3: you're just saying for me, this is.
Speaker 1: How I operate.
Speaker 3: So like in the in the Jonah Hill situation, it's
Speaker 3: not like you should just be like, this is how
Speaker 3: I operate. I don't want to partner who then that's
Speaker 3: a decide whether it stays with her or not.
Speaker 1: Not you where where you change, then it's God.
Speaker 3: Now that's control and manipulation because it's in a lot
Speaker 3: of times it's just your own set of rules for
Speaker 3: yourself that you have to protect yourself and they got
Speaker 3: nothing to do with the other's around their own, and
Speaker 3: then you just try and respect each other. I find
Speaker 3: a lot of times people start to use it as yes,
Speaker 3: you're saying a control mechanism where it's like no, but
Speaker 3: I don't like that.
Speaker 1: It's like no, no, no, that's not a boundary though.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And then also, don't get pissed if you said
Speaker 2: those boundaries and someone is like, Okay, I'm out, But
Speaker 2: don't get pissed because it's like maybe that doesn't sit
Speaker 2: well with them, or it's just it's like so then
Speaker 2: you just don't now be like ah, but why don't
Speaker 2: you want to be my own?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, and trivialize someone else's boundaries.
Speaker 1: I find could do that a lot. So someone will say, oh,
Speaker 1: then you're like, ah.
Speaker 2: Know that, like like that's such.
Speaker 3: A like I told you out of you know, as
Speaker 3: a friend or whatever, but I didn't tell you so you.
Speaker 1: Can mock me.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah and some food.
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh girl, But do.
Speaker 2: You think that in boundaries or your story changes over time?
Speaker 2: Because we spoke earlier about Okay, maybe it wasn't a thing,
Speaker 2: and then now it's the thing. Is like, now I
Speaker 2: have a boundary. So do boundaries change over time? Do
Speaker 2: you think you can get comfortable with something that maybe
Speaker 2: used to stress you out?
Speaker 3: Or yeah, I feel like I mean, we are evolving
Speaker 3: as a people every decade we grow up, and I
Speaker 3: mean some start in my twenties they to do the
Speaker 3: Lord I'll never do now. So it's like I do
Speaker 3: think as there's some core values called beliefs, call boundaries
Speaker 3: that probably would never change, but then there's some stuff
Speaker 3: that will maybe evolve over time or you think differently
Speaker 3: about it, or you meet someone else with a different
Speaker 3: take on it, and then maybe you might adopt that.
Speaker 1: Or I mean we're not so rigid right as the people.
Speaker 3: We get influenced by different things at different times, at
Speaker 3: different rates. So I do think your story as much
Speaker 3: as your story is changing over times. As you're growing older,
Speaker 3: you're going wiser. And yeah, even even boundaries around you know, sexuality,
Speaker 3: the way you see yourself. I mean there's so many
Speaker 3: stories that people who like later on in life will
Speaker 3: find out that they're you know, lesbian or gay and
Speaker 3: they and their minds change around all of that. So
Speaker 3: I feel like we set boundaries for ourselves at a
Speaker 3: certain time, but I.
Speaker 1: Don't think it's set in stone. Yeah, that's sae.
Speaker 2: And I think what basically what life and the whole
Speaker 2: ecosystem of this life we live is that change is
Speaker 2: a constant like and inevitable. Yeah, in the words of
Speaker 2: Jene I Go, change is inevitable. Why hold on to
Speaker 2: what you have to? Let go? Okay, that's a really
Speaker 2: good song, by the way, but basically that it's an
Speaker 2: inevitable part of our lives. And being a to be
Speaker 2: fluid and be forgiving two others of like, be understanding,
Speaker 2: show a bit of empathy, and also do yourself. If
Speaker 2: you yesterday you didn't like crocs, and today you want
Speaker 2: to buy a pair of crops, do you It's all right,
Speaker 2: it's okay. You know. I heard they're really comfortable. I
Speaker 2: still haven't committed yet, but I heard they're really comfortable,
Speaker 2: So you know what I mean. It's like, yeah, I
Speaker 2: like stuff to be influenced exactly exactly, but like some
Speaker 2: you know, we hold it. I said, I will never be.
Speaker 1: Seen with X y Z.
Speaker 3: And then it's like I mean people like that around dating.
Speaker 3: Interracial dating is a big one. Not people will tell
Speaker 3: you I never saw myself dating outside my race, so
Speaker 3: my culture or my blah blah blah, and then you're
Speaker 3: just like, wow, here are your person?
Speaker 2: Is your person? Is your person? Yeah yeah, so yeah,
Speaker 2: we hope, I don't know, hopefully that gave you guys
Speaker 2: some insight into boundaries. Obviously, I'm sure we could have
Speaker 2: used more clinical terms. Not really, that's not what this
Speaker 2: podcast is about. But hopefully it gives you some you know,
Speaker 2: you know, inspiration. Some of us are definitely working on boundaries.
Speaker 1: Boundaries as a work in progress with African or.
Speaker 2: At the struggle is real. So you're not alone, let
Speaker 2: me tell you that anyway. So what's a zoom shout
Speaker 2: out for today? Amanda lim shout out.
Speaker 3: So we're all about books and we'd like to read
Speaker 3: sometimes or actually, this is a book that's centered more
Speaker 3: aimed more at young young girls and one boys. But
Speaker 3: it's called Mighty Women of Africa. It's authored by Yemupt. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it pretty much is a book that celebrates ten inspirational
Speaker 3: and remarkable women of African descent in various fields of work.
Speaker 1: So a lot of times. Obviously, it's the representation and matters.
Speaker 3: And especially for young kids to see you know, scientists
Speaker 3: and lawyers and doctors and singers and everything like, you know,
Speaker 3: just to see that we're a myriad of people. So yeah,
Speaker 3: we'll definitely share the Amazon link. Obviously if you've got
Speaker 3: little kids at home, we're looking for books that might
Speaker 3: inspire where they can see themselves. Written by fellows Zimbabwean.
Speaker 3: We will share this book with you.
Speaker 2: Yes, kudos to that and represent especially I don't know
Speaker 2: how to especially in spaces where there are fewer of us.
Speaker 2: It's so so crucial and also to believe so you
Speaker 2: believe like I can be that too, I can do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the inspiration is real people really well remember like
Speaker 3: oh my gosh, you know you think you're not being
Speaker 3: an impact, but but yeah, when you break that ceiling,
Speaker 3: it's it's it's good for everyone coming after you.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, So thank you for that, and thank you all
Speaker 2: for listening to another episode of our podcast, and we'll
Speaker 2: see you on the next one.
Speaker 1: See you guys. Season Fat.
Speaker 2: I think we'll be saying this every time Season Fat
Speaker 2: that they heard, they done heard Season five? Yeah, but yes,
Speaker 2: Season Fat.
Speaker 1: Bye guys, Bye guys. Yeah yeah yeah yeah