1 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 1: I'm always always. 2 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:17,560 Speaker 2: Be careful. 3 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 1: Love those umboo let We'll use your head. 4 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 2: They will tear you up. Lack a purple talk. Oh 5 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 2: no no, yeah. 6 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 3: Yeah yeah yeah, oh no no no. 7 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:41,600 Speaker 2: Hi. I'm Amanda and I'm Rumby. 8 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,560 Speaker 1: Welcome to Its lay It. 9 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 2: We're in a long distance friendship that started over twenty 10 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,600 Speaker 2: years ago when we were in high school. 11 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:53,200 Speaker 3: We'll be talking about all things life, love, family, anything 12 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 3: and everything else under the sun. 13 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 2: Delve deeper with us because in life, you know my layers. 14 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:05,959 Speaker 3: Oh no no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah no. 15 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:11,560 Speaker 2: No, no, Hello everybody, and welcome to another episode of 16 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:16,760 Speaker 2: It's Layered Podcast. 17 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,840 Speaker 1: I like Joe sound effects. 18 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 2: Funny enough. I was watching Black af Over again and 19 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,200 Speaker 2: there's this I think it's an episode one or episode two, 20 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 2: and he's with his wife and then they're like, hey, 21 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 2: you come against us, basically attack you shouts five, and. 22 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:37,720 Speaker 1: I was like, I love that. 23 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,479 Speaker 2: I really think I got that prop up from from 24 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:42,840 Speaker 2: that show or just. 25 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,600 Speaker 3: I really love it got it from like Jamaican or 26 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:51,400 Speaker 3: of course of course sooner his picture like that's how 27 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 3: we would be if I ever go to Jamaica. 28 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 1: They probably look at you like you if someone came 29 00:01:58,280 --> 00:01:58,760 Speaker 1: with a gun. 30 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 3: I'll be cool about it. Like I will not be 31 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 3: cool about it. I'll shoots. But exactly right now. 32 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 2: It's all fun and games in the club un till 33 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 2: happens for real anyway. So exactly, I just faint. That's like, 34 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,440 Speaker 2: please leave me. I don't know. I'm from here. 35 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: Play I will play. 36 00:02:20,919 --> 00:02:22,880 Speaker 2: I mean, I've watched movies. I'm like, why aren't you 37 00:02:22,919 --> 00:02:25,400 Speaker 2: on the floor like you did? Okay, just get some 38 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:30,280 Speaker 2: blood from somebody. That's also true. That's also true. 39 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 3: But I don't know what happenedratuated dealing with. 40 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,360 Speaker 2: Or just zigzag grund. They say, just that's that's, that's. 41 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 1: It, but all they think got the window. 42 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,160 Speaker 3: I'm sure, why are we even I don't even know 43 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,720 Speaker 3: that's a serious issue from anyway anyway. 44 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 2: Okay, but yes, welcome, so excited to have you here 45 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:55,120 Speaker 2: for another brand new episode of It's Layered. What are 46 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,320 Speaker 2: we gonna delve deeper into today? Amanda? 47 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,239 Speaker 3: Oh, this one's I think we've been challenged with this one, 48 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:08,440 Speaker 3: especially coming from Africans and Barbwean parents. Boundaries rewriting our 49 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 3: stories and setting them boundaries. Yeah, but African parents to 50 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:19,480 Speaker 3: be like bounder, what what's yours is mine, But we're 51 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:22,480 Speaker 3: just gonna really delve deeper onto this. I mean not 52 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,600 Speaker 3: only from our parents' point of view, but friendships, love work, 53 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,919 Speaker 3: all them things. I mean, what are boundaries to you? 54 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 3: Do you have examples of what a boundary would be 55 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:33,320 Speaker 3: to you? 56 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 2: So quite interestingly enough, I was listening to something or 57 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,920 Speaker 2: watching a documentary. I think I was listening to a 58 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 2: podcast and it was talking about we often talk about 59 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,960 Speaker 2: boundaries where it's limiting. So typically when people hear boundaries, 60 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 2: it's limiting people's access to your space, saying that they 61 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:56,320 Speaker 2: only welcome so far. So for example, it's like not 62 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 2: physical necessarily, I mean you can say who can come 63 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,320 Speaker 2: to your house or of course, but also things like 64 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 2: who gets to be in on your coming and going. 65 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,760 Speaker 2: And another way is on social media, like you can 66 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 2: give restricted access, you know, the close friends option on 67 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:19,160 Speaker 2: Instagram stories, where you can have certain close friends, meaning 68 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,760 Speaker 2: you're excluding everyone else who you don't consider close friends 69 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:25,520 Speaker 2: from and seeing certain parts of your life or blocking 70 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:30,279 Speaker 2: certain people. Or for example, when someone asks too much 71 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:32,159 Speaker 2: about you, like oh what are you doing here? Or 72 00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 2: tell me about this that, and you're like, hmmm, I'd 73 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,880 Speaker 2: rather not because you feel that's too personal for them 74 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,880 Speaker 2: to pass over. Sometimes with workmates, I think too especially. 75 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:43,840 Speaker 2: But then I was listening to that it was a 76 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,520 Speaker 2: podcast and they were saying, we so often talk about 77 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,000 Speaker 2: like the restriction of like you're not allowed in, but 78 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:55,480 Speaker 2: we don't talk about boundaries of allowing people into certain spaces. 79 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 2: I think they were saying, boundaries can be saying you 80 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 2: are welcome into this space, but also you're not not 81 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,359 Speaker 2: welcome into that space. We often see it as like 82 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 2: a hold up, back up, but then you have different 83 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:14,880 Speaker 2: levels of intimacy with people around you. So some people 84 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 2: are you allow them within a space, and that's it's 85 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,360 Speaker 2: a boundary of sorts, but only a few people get 86 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,839 Speaker 2: to be within that space. That's a form of creating boundaries, 87 00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:29,000 Speaker 2: but in like a positive way or like not a 88 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:33,440 Speaker 2: backup way. What do you use to define boundaries as. 89 00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:36,000 Speaker 1: Oh, I'm completely in agreeance with you. 90 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 3: Like I think also with like our generation, right, we 91 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,080 Speaker 3: saw life before social media, the rise of social media, 92 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,520 Speaker 3: and then life like what it is now, And I 93 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,479 Speaker 3: think that's like a good snapshot of boundaries. 94 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,280 Speaker 1: But I do remember when like Facebook started, you'd be. 95 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,520 Speaker 3: Like, oh, you're my friend, and I make you this 96 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 3: way and that way, and your status was like I'm 97 00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:01,040 Speaker 3: friends with everybody you know, I know from primary school. 98 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 1: Let's be friends. 99 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,000 Speaker 3: I'll never talk to you again, but let's be friends, 100 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 3: like you know what I mean. Like we were so 101 00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:10,120 Speaker 3: open with it, and then it probably saw like the 102 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:13,919 Speaker 3: dangers of that or the ramifications of that, and people 103 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,200 Speaker 3: are over corrected, like you don't even see them on 104 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,520 Speaker 3: the socials at all, and some people are still navigating 105 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 3: those like Murky, who do I Latin? As you said 106 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 3: about Instagram and close friends and blocking people and. 107 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,159 Speaker 1: Restricted restrict access all those things. 108 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,720 Speaker 3: I feel like that's what boundaries is to me, Like 109 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:35,600 Speaker 3: not letting any everyone into your life, into your your 110 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,719 Speaker 3: in a I guess in a circle. 111 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,680 Speaker 1: Would be like the word right or the words. 112 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,560 Speaker 3: But it's also can be like as you said, at 113 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,320 Speaker 3: work spaces of my work colleague, like I'm gonna kicky 114 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,159 Speaker 3: with you on the water cooler, but Saturday and Sunday, 115 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 3: I don't know who, like don't greet me outside of work, 116 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,480 Speaker 3: like you know those kind of like we're homies under 117 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,719 Speaker 3: this building, but we're not, like yeah, and like so 118 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 3: the I guess boundaries show themselves up in so many 119 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,719 Speaker 3: different ways. 120 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,839 Speaker 2: Yeah, So would you say that was your first encounter 121 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,840 Speaker 2: with boundaries when you started like restricting who was your 122 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,880 Speaker 2: friend on Facebook and social media, or like before when 123 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,520 Speaker 2: you were younger, or any other time. 124 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,360 Speaker 1: I think for me probably never. 125 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 3: I never probably labeled it when I was younger, like 126 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,760 Speaker 3: you just didn't realize that that's what you were doing, 127 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:29,160 Speaker 3: but you were setting boundaries, like I definitely remember, like 128 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,200 Speaker 3: my mom obviously was anwell before she passed away, So 129 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:33,720 Speaker 3: it was like one of those things where it's like 130 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 3: you can't be dolving with everybody who's asking, like all 131 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,600 Speaker 3: the antis at church would be like my mom had 132 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 3: in it, and you're like I can't be like going 133 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 3: into all the details with you, and she's not, you 134 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:48,320 Speaker 3: know what I mean, like just quick fast looking at yeah, 135 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,520 Speaker 3: because you just cannot sit there and give everyone like 136 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:55,160 Speaker 3: a full access, restricted and restrict access into what's really 137 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:58,360 Speaker 3: going on. So then I think that was probably me 138 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 3: practicing boundaries and being the doing the whole polite thing 139 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,240 Speaker 3: like I'm telling you, but I'm. 140 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,240 Speaker 1: Still you're still not in the no no, you know. 141 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,520 Speaker 3: So, like I guess at that point I was navigating 142 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:13,240 Speaker 3: that without even realizing and I feel like that's that 143 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,080 Speaker 3: muscle has just strengthened as I've gone older, because I 144 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,040 Speaker 3: started so young, Like even when social media did start, 145 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 3: I wasn't a friends with everybody. I was like, who 146 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 3: are you? Like, I'll just leave you. You don't need those 147 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,920 Speaker 3: friends requests. Just stay there. I've still got a holeless 148 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,840 Speaker 3: you get running there forever. 149 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:36,400 Speaker 1: So you're in pregatory, was having and I think, but. 150 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 2: You've definitely always been good at that. I think even 151 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 2: when we were at school finding out, like when your 152 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,440 Speaker 2: mom did pass away, for a lot of us it 153 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 2: was like, oh wow, like you were going through all this. 154 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 2: So I think you really, as you said, you really 155 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,840 Speaker 2: preserved that for you and like your close family. And 156 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:59,000 Speaker 2: it's totally understandable because imagine dealing. 157 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 3: What were you going to people's opinion team? Yeah, exactly. 158 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:09,319 Speaker 3: Like everyone feels the need to say something when silence 159 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,760 Speaker 3: is golden, but then it's like a Zimbabweans, we don't 160 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,440 Speaker 3: know what that means. We have to say something because 161 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:15,080 Speaker 3: it's not all. 162 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:15,839 Speaker 1: Here then move on. 163 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,320 Speaker 3: And then also that seems a bit rude, right You're like, Okay, 164 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,960 Speaker 3: I also don't want to shoulder everyone's feelings. So it's 165 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,199 Speaker 3: almost like just to say it's all okay, just so 166 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:27,439 Speaker 3: that you're not having to like bear on advice and 167 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:36,840 Speaker 3: everyone's do this, do that, like brah, we got like 168 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:37,720 Speaker 3: what am I going to do? 169 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 2: And I remember also like as being young as we were, 170 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 2: we didn't know how to handle our emotions. I remember 171 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:48,480 Speaker 2: us crying over certain things, a scripture union. Yeah, we're 172 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:52,079 Speaker 2: just emotional about a lot, Like was just. 173 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 1: His emotions. I was like, I don't think it's not bad. 174 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,560 Speaker 2: You didn't need that because I just remember just like 175 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,080 Speaker 2: be everything was so deep. 176 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:06,360 Speaker 3: Yeah, and then you grew up in your deep relaxed 177 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,480 Speaker 3: people also seek to relate to you, right, so when 178 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,719 Speaker 3: you let's them into it in a space and then 179 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,720 Speaker 3: they're like, oh no, I know all about this, sometimes 180 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 3: it can like actually nullify what you're going through because 181 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,440 Speaker 3: it's like no, you don't actually, but now because you're 182 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,640 Speaker 3: trying to seem like so it's like better to just 183 00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:24,320 Speaker 3: be like, okay, let's just stop here, like I don't 184 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,840 Speaker 3: need you to come in any further. But yeah, when 185 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,959 Speaker 3: did you first realize you could have boundaries? 186 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 1: I think I've. 187 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,880 Speaker 2: Always had like an element of boundary. Yes, if there's 188 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,280 Speaker 2: such a word. Inherently, I especially as a child, I 189 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 2: was very much an introvert, so boundary what you didn't 190 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:46,920 Speaker 2: have to tell me like I was good, you know, 191 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:50,400 Speaker 2: I don't need people. I'm good. I was happy with 192 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,440 Speaker 2: my books and just really close friends, Like I would 193 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 2: have like one or two close friends, and those are 194 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,880 Speaker 2: the people that would hang out with, chill with, and 195 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,880 Speaker 2: my diaries those were that's where I let it all out. 196 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 1: That's di I have a little rock on your diary. 197 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,640 Speaker 2: Never got a locked diary. I don't think I got 198 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:10,800 Speaker 2: a lockdiry, but I used to. I'm sure my mom 199 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,120 Speaker 2: read a lot of my diaries because I hide them 200 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 2: insight into you. Yeah is going through yeah exactly. But 201 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 2: I think I've always had an element of that. But 202 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 2: I think the moment I really realized that I guess 203 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:31,600 Speaker 2: I had boundaries, so to speak, was after when I 204 00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:33,760 Speaker 2: started working and I used to go to church and 205 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,640 Speaker 2: people would be like, roomby, you need to smile more, 206 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:38,600 Speaker 2: you need to be more open, you need to be 207 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,080 Speaker 2: more and I just remember being like huh. Then they're like, yeah, 208 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,480 Speaker 2: you know, we see you around the way. You look 209 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:48,360 Speaker 2: very unapproachable and very much don't mess with me, and 210 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 2: I'm like, uh, yeah, because I don't want any Tom, Dick, 211 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:54,079 Speaker 2: Harry or Jim just stepping up to me and talking nonsense. 212 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 2: I'm sorry, like I'm friendly enough, I'm real cute, I'll 213 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:00,360 Speaker 2: be like hy like you know, blessings, you know, keep it. 214 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,880 Speaker 2: And I just remember being so confused why people felt 215 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:08,760 Speaker 2: a need to have me be friendly and open. And 216 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,520 Speaker 2: I used to ask, like, what the hell does being 217 00:12:10,559 --> 00:12:13,720 Speaker 2: open me? Does that make sense? Like I, yeah, yeah, 218 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 2: I couldn't grasp it. But for me, I was like, 219 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,240 Speaker 2: if you're not going to be close to me and 220 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 2: I don't want you close to me, why we got 221 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,959 Speaker 2: to pretend I can do like fictitious, hey, hey, conver, 222 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,040 Speaker 2: but like, let's keep it moving. So maybe that's the 223 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,839 Speaker 2: first time that it was really brought up to me that 224 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:33,320 Speaker 2: hey girl, you're very you know, not so friendly or whatever. Yeah. 225 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,000 Speaker 1: Yeah. 226 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,200 Speaker 3: Why do you think influenced that though, or what do 227 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,520 Speaker 3: you think influencers boundaries in general? 228 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 2: I think feeling cool for me, I think a lot 229 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:46,440 Speaker 2: of it had to do with feeling unheard or misunderstood, 230 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:50,920 Speaker 2: and I always felt very misunderstood and kind of strange 231 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:54,240 Speaker 2: in my own world, per se I had a very 232 00:12:54,280 --> 00:13:00,080 Speaker 2: vivid imagination, and I just enjoyed my own company and 233 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,440 Speaker 2: obviously my upbringing things I've gone through, I loosed up, 234 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,040 Speaker 2: I think in a way. So you just I was 235 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:10,760 Speaker 2: just like I don't need people, you know, self preservation type. 236 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:14,559 Speaker 3: Of scenarios like hyper independence on lote unlock. 237 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,560 Speaker 2: But I've been that way since I was a little kid. 238 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,360 Speaker 2: I remember my parents telling me we'd go went from 239 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,040 Speaker 2: my uncle's wedding and I wouldn't let anyone carry me. 240 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:23,800 Speaker 2: I was like two or something. I was only by 241 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,280 Speaker 2: my mom or then get home. I was like to 242 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,560 Speaker 2: my sister, I was like, Sonny, let's do the dance 243 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:32,559 Speaker 2: moves from my steps, from them, from chatter from the wedding. 244 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,880 Speaker 2: But that's just who I was. 245 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,160 Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, so you're like absorbing but not 246 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:38,320 Speaker 3: really participating. 247 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,160 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, thousand percent. 248 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,880 Speaker 2: So I think those were the influences and just feeling 249 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:49,120 Speaker 2: like people always had something to say about me, even 250 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,439 Speaker 2: without me engaging or you know, so I'm like. 251 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,839 Speaker 3: Oh, no, Zimbabwans would just step up and tell you, yes. 252 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:59,000 Speaker 1: Oh you gained weight. Are you're skinny now? Are You're 253 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 1: Like there's. 254 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,559 Speaker 2: Exactly So I was just like I don't need all that, Like, 255 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 2: what's the point you know myself and you, I mean 256 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,080 Speaker 2: I think your mom's illness, Like. 257 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, no, definitely, but I think also it's also for me. 258 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,480 Speaker 3: It was almost the opposite of view where I got burnt. 259 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,200 Speaker 3: So I learned not to, you know what I mean. 260 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 3: I was like, I let people in, thinking, ah, you know, 261 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,160 Speaker 3: we all care together. They care, They actually care. It's 262 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,560 Speaker 3: not gossiping. It's not you know. I think we've talked 263 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 3: about this before in previous episodes as well, with the 264 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 3: rise of AIDS and HIV in Zoom. 265 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:34,360 Speaker 1: Obviously, when anyone. 266 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:38,280 Speaker 3: Was sick, people would always assume that's that's what I 267 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:43,160 Speaker 3: used to say. People, God, I'm like pneumonia. 268 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:48,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, everybody got pneumonia, you know. 269 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,480 Speaker 3: So I think, like, yeah, it was like letting people 270 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,360 Speaker 3: in and then realizing not to, and then realizing people gossip, 271 00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,240 Speaker 3: realizing people make up stories and fill in the blanks themselves, 272 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,120 Speaker 3: and then then you just start to think, Okay, well, actually, 273 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,440 Speaker 3: if I don't need your advice, I don't need your help, 274 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,960 Speaker 3: especially like in ZIM, I guess it ends up being 275 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,760 Speaker 3: financial or familiar support. Then why do you need to 276 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,040 Speaker 3: be in the inner circle. And I'm sure I really 277 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,920 Speaker 3: really remember my dad even probably saying something like that, 278 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,120 Speaker 3: like probably instilling that in us as kids, like this 279 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 3: is under a roof. 280 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,680 Speaker 1: Nobody needs to be knowing. No one needs to be knowing. 281 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,240 Speaker 3: You know, people say what they're gonna say, but we 282 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,240 Speaker 3: know what's happening. We know my mom's sick, we know 283 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,480 Speaker 3: why this is happening. Like and I guess that just 284 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,040 Speaker 3: makes you realize, oh, so people can't be trusted. 285 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,360 Speaker 1: I can't be an open book with her bad yep. 286 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,480 Speaker 3: Like and I think when you're a kid, you lose 287 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,920 Speaker 3: that innocence where it's like, oh I just innocently told 288 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 3: you this, and then now you're only using it as ammunition. 289 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,280 Speaker 3: Then you just start to realize, okain, parents, I won't 290 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:54,040 Speaker 3: probably say parents, adults also use kids to weaponize. You know, 291 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 3: they get the information from kids. You know, they're like 292 00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 3: it's like, as your creetic guy, you're not happening, You're 293 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,680 Speaker 3: likely like people you're telling I. 294 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 1: That's what Amanda was. 295 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:07,400 Speaker 3: Saying, the things like yeah, you just start to realize, oh, okay, 296 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:10,600 Speaker 3: this is, this is why this is And not to 297 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,120 Speaker 3: say you lie, but just you just find ways to 298 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 3: avoid the convo, like kind of short like yeah, we're good. 299 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:21,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely absolutely So would you say that boundaries are 300 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,160 Speaker 2: closely tied with expectations. 301 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 3: Suppose in a way people expect if your family, that 302 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,520 Speaker 3: you're close, if your family, that you can be put 303 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,920 Speaker 3: like you can be in the inner circle. I should 304 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 3: be knowing you know, I should be I should have 305 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,360 Speaker 3: access to you. And this obviously goes and even with 306 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:45,080 Speaker 3: I suppose with family more so than anything else, or 307 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 3: even with friendships. Some people think I've known you forever? 308 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,280 Speaker 3: Why now am I not part of this? You know, 309 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,640 Speaker 3: especially like weddings. I'm sure you probably would have solved this. 310 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,880 Speaker 3: As you're getting closer and closer to your wedding, people 311 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 3: start to grow up like I being your. 312 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:02,200 Speaker 2: Bestie, invitation, I'm coming, and I. 313 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:05,560 Speaker 3: Was just like expectation right that people are like and 314 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:09,359 Speaker 3: now you have sent that boundary of Ah, Actually, even 315 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,119 Speaker 3: though I've known you forever, we haven't really been. You 316 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:14,119 Speaker 3: don't even know who Tom is. You don't even know 317 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,800 Speaker 3: the story of how we met. So unfortunately you can't 318 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,280 Speaker 3: come to my wedding. Unfortunately you can't participate in that. 319 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,960 Speaker 3: So I guess it's like it's for those people who 320 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,200 Speaker 3: think they ought to be in those spaces and really 321 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:27,560 Speaker 3: they're not. 322 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,719 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's so true, and I think it's 323 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:36,400 Speaker 2: boundaries are necessary to manage expectations. So essentially, I think 324 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:41,679 Speaker 2: with boundaries, you're saying, this is what I expect from you, 325 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,040 Speaker 2: or I'm willing to do, or this is how far 326 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,440 Speaker 2: you can come into my life and space, because if 327 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,639 Speaker 2: you don't say it, someone will, as you said, expect 328 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:54,600 Speaker 2: to be at this wedding, this party, this event in 329 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,280 Speaker 2: your social I mean, I can tell you the countless 330 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 2: times that people have had expectations. I'm like, where did 331 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 2: you come up with this? 332 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,680 Speaker 3: Like no, where is this narrative coming from? 333 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,199 Speaker 2: No? No, no, no no no. So I think you try 334 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:13,080 Speaker 2: to set boundaries so as to manage that. The hard 335 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:18,840 Speaker 2: thing I think, though, is when people have expectations who 336 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:25,480 Speaker 2: you have no relation with whatsoever, and therefore have not 337 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 2: set any boundaries because you ain't even do you understand? 338 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't even in my periphery. Yeah, I'm even 339 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,320 Speaker 3: thinking about you and like who you boo? 340 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,320 Speaker 2: Yes, And those are the complex wants to really really navigate, 341 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,600 Speaker 2: like where it's it's you're not even I doesn't even 342 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 2: thinking about you, but you have this expectation. 343 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,720 Speaker 3: Of me, And don't you think people are our high 344 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,960 Speaker 3: school are like that though shout out to high school, 345 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:53,520 Speaker 3: but like five times PEPs be like school together and 346 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,720 Speaker 3: I'm like and yeah, like that was two thousand and one, 347 00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,000 Speaker 3: two thousand and six, child, and twenty three, like absolutely 348 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,080 Speaker 3: have an allegiance to you. I don't know if it's 349 00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:06,240 Speaker 3: because like we suffered together for six years in the bush, 350 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:10,040 Speaker 3: I don't know what. I don't know, but if we 351 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,960 Speaker 3: ain't obviously we were in each other's spaces, so people 352 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,240 Speaker 3: feel like they know you, but you're like, yeah, but 353 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,240 Speaker 3: I was a teen and now I'm like a grown 354 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 3: ass woman adults. 355 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,439 Speaker 2: Yeah, and also think about it because we were a 356 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:26,880 Speaker 2: small school. Obviously, you engage with people always in some capacity, however, 357 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:31,680 Speaker 2: but we were never we were never we're never taed 358 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:32,000 Speaker 2: like that. 359 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,320 Speaker 1: It was never like that. 360 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 2: Y'are rolling and then all of a sudden, you don't know, 361 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,960 Speaker 2: You're like, why am I? Why am I? Under fire 362 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:43,639 Speaker 2: knows what I'm talking about? 363 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:51,520 Speaker 3: You said every you go clearly, and then you're like, WHOA, 364 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,800 Speaker 3: I never said it is, well, how did we get here? 365 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,800 Speaker 3: I was just living my life because also the especially 366 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,360 Speaker 3: I think it's tough. I mean, I've had someone put 367 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 3: boundaries against you, like, hey, don't be you're not allowed, 368 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,639 Speaker 3: don't don't not not don't see this table energy. But 369 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:13,520 Speaker 3: just have you had a time when you thought, like, 370 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,280 Speaker 3: we're talking about weddings, so, I mean it seemed like 371 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,760 Speaker 3: we're the ones flinging people off. But have you ever 372 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,040 Speaker 3: been a time when you've been flung off when you. 373 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,440 Speaker 2: Thought I've not been invited to weddings? 374 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,359 Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, Cela VI. 375 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:30,600 Speaker 2: And like I think I've always maybe because I like 376 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,200 Speaker 2: my space, I've always kind of like, yeah, I respect 377 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:37,400 Speaker 2: that they have their reasons. We're not that close. Would 378 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,560 Speaker 2: I have loved to go? Sure, but you know, do 379 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,480 Speaker 2: you and especially after getting married now, I'm like i'd 380 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:45,000 Speaker 2: be understanding. I'll be like, you know, do you. 381 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:48,360 Speaker 1: Like the budget needs to a budget, the budge. 382 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:51,520 Speaker 2: Needs to budget. Yeah, I really think about that. And 383 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,640 Speaker 2: I definitely have had boundaries set or I can't recall 384 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:59,080 Speaker 2: exactly where someone was like, oh you can't oh maybe 385 00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:01,840 Speaker 2: I wasn't invited to party. Maybe I don't know. 386 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,800 Speaker 1: I'm good to me. I know my limits. I don't 387 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:06,440 Speaker 1: go over. 388 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 2: Its always been like it's fine, you know, yeah, it's fine. 389 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,359 Speaker 2: I can I can handle it for the most part, 390 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,120 Speaker 2: and I'm sure, of course, there have been situations where 391 00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:20,119 Speaker 2: I've been like, chah, you know, it'd been cool to 392 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,720 Speaker 2: be part of homo or whatever, But in the same breath, 393 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 2: I'm like, it wasn't for me. 394 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,359 Speaker 1: It is what it is, you know. 395 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,840 Speaker 3: I think you and I can relate to that because 396 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,119 Speaker 3: they're probably overthinkers. 397 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:32,159 Speaker 2: So before I. 398 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,200 Speaker 1: Wasn't even there's a chance to let the band it down. 399 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 2: You already like I'm sensing, I'm sensing that maybe maybe 400 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 2: I'm not gonna be there. I mean plans with my 401 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:44,680 Speaker 2: other homies. 402 00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:48,160 Speaker 1: I've already done this scenario in the shower. I know 403 00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:52,720 Speaker 1: I ain't going and how I'm going to react, So 404 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,040 Speaker 1: you no time to hurt me. 405 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:59,040 Speaker 3: I got already hurt myself, like already got I think 406 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 3: I do think that's probably why you and we probably 407 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,440 Speaker 3: haven't had because I'm trying to think those people who 408 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,479 Speaker 3: do that to us. 409 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,320 Speaker 1: Do they really think like we homies? 410 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,439 Speaker 3: And it's like obviously they do, so why what's the 411 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,119 Speaker 3: difference in character of personality? And it must be that 412 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:18,520 Speaker 3: we already have those boundaries like no, but we're not 413 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,520 Speaker 3: cool like that. Yeah, and some people don't roll like that. 414 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,440 Speaker 3: Some people really do think no, no, no, I'm cool, 415 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:24,000 Speaker 3: we're about it. 416 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,320 Speaker 2: Yes, you know, yes, I definitely don't have that energy. 417 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 3: No, I'm I'm probably the opposite. Sometimes I even like 418 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:35,040 Speaker 3: downplay my relationship with someone but way like and I'm like, oh, oh, 419 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 3: you want me to speak at your wedding, or like 420 00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:39,240 Speaker 3: oh my god, I don't even think you know, I 421 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:42,199 Speaker 3: feel like honored. It's more like because I really like 422 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,119 Speaker 3: put myself on the so the overthinker in me has 423 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:49,520 Speaker 3: already been like no side, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just 424 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:53,120 Speaker 3: an acquaintance. Especially with work buddies. I've found a lot 425 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:57,080 Speaker 3: of times I've underestimated my impact in terms of friendship 426 00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,840 Speaker 3: because you know, when you're like having work functions, the 427 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,159 Speaker 3: person at work could be talking about there whatever it 428 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,159 Speaker 3: is function coming up, and obviously when you're planning a 429 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,280 Speaker 3: function and you're coming to work all the time, you 430 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,800 Speaker 3: tend to then talk about it with your work colleagues 431 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,560 Speaker 3: and then maybe they invite you. This is the thing 432 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,000 Speaker 3: to yourself, Ah, maybe I'm what a pretty invite. You know, 433 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,520 Speaker 3: It's not really like I'm not rolling deep with this person. 434 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,920 Speaker 3: And then you get there and you realize, oh, actually 435 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,120 Speaker 3: this person's actually really leaning on me. And since they've 436 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:25,480 Speaker 3: been chatting about a work and you know, going through 437 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,159 Speaker 3: color schemes and all these things that you've been chatting about, 438 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,040 Speaker 3: you actually did have an impact much more. 439 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: And it's always that weird thing where the overthinking enemy. 440 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:39,920 Speaker 3: Is like, oh, oh sorry, oops, you know whatever, Yes 441 00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:43,480 Speaker 3: for chatting, but this person's actually really valuing. 442 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,919 Speaker 1: Your opinion and letting you in into that like in 443 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:46,720 Speaker 1: a space. 444 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:50,840 Speaker 2: But I think also it could be trauma met like 445 00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:54,840 Speaker 2: how you and I overthink and then downplay our kind 446 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,080 Speaker 2: of roles some of there. 447 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,480 Speaker 1: Right, Like, yeah, for sure, there's some therapy sessions I 448 00:23:59,520 --> 00:23:59,800 Speaker 1: need to. 449 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,040 Speaker 2: Be add that's not necessarily healthy to be like, oh 450 00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:05,919 Speaker 2: I don't matter that much to that prience. Yeah, because 451 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,040 Speaker 2: on the flip side of that, you have the whole 452 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,040 Speaker 2: I don't have anyone, like then you go extreme, at 453 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,760 Speaker 2: least I do, because I'll be like, oh girl, I 454 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:18,200 Speaker 2: got no friends. I'm alone in this world. I don't 455 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:21,720 Speaker 2: I go through those places, right, and of course no. 456 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,720 Speaker 1: One, no one understands me, yes, Like it's. 457 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,000 Speaker 2: Only me in this world and got me. You only 458 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,360 Speaker 2: got you girl, And my husband's right there and I'm like, no, 459 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,800 Speaker 2: but you only got you girl. It's only you in 460 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:36,040 Speaker 2: this world. So obviously this are very yeah. 461 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:39,040 Speaker 3: Out side of that, just yeah, yes, there's some people 462 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,680 Speaker 3: we just don't have that aspect. 463 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,240 Speaker 1: I've along you don't work. 464 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:45,800 Speaker 3: Because even at the funerals, this are the ones who'll 465 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,960 Speaker 3: be coming climbing from the game and you're like, don't 466 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 3: you get boundaries? 467 00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:50,760 Speaker 1: Like you know? 468 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,240 Speaker 3: And then sometimes, like you know, I recently had a 469 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 3: workmate of mine her husband passed away, and it's like 470 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,200 Speaker 3: she wants me to stay when we at the funeral, 471 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,560 Speaker 3: and I'm thinking, what why, Like, dude, yeah, with your 472 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,600 Speaker 3: family now. But she also, I guess also in saying 473 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:07,000 Speaker 3: that she wanted that comfort of just talking about anything 474 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:10,240 Speaker 3: else apart from you know, just tell me some more gossip, 475 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 3: anything to get our mind off things. But I also 476 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,600 Speaker 3: had to respect her allowing me into that inner circle 477 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,560 Speaker 3: for that time being, because it's like, Wow, this is 478 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,800 Speaker 3: actually like a revered space to be in real life. 479 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:25,000 Speaker 3: And yeah, but like I already like how my king 480 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,560 Speaker 3: is at my bag? Like need to jump back around. 481 00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:32,560 Speaker 2: Please this But the thing is I think in those 482 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:36,800 Speaker 2: situations and I've noticed it, sometimes you really do want 483 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,359 Speaker 2: a friend because family gets so intense. And I found 484 00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:43,040 Speaker 2: it even at my wedding and Maroa. I've said it 485 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,919 Speaker 2: to you and my other bridesmaids close friends. I was like, 486 00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:50,159 Speaker 2: y'all helped me done. Because as as anyone starts being like, 487 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,560 Speaker 2: you just need someone who's like, what do you need? 488 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,520 Speaker 2: I got you, or just to come in and you 489 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,120 Speaker 2: guys just swooped in and did you know what I mean? 490 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:03,160 Speaker 2: And it just takes no questions asked as someone who 491 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,080 Speaker 2: can read you and knows you. And even if you 492 00:26:06,119 --> 00:26:08,960 Speaker 2: can just say, okay, this is stressing out, they'll be like, 493 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:10,119 Speaker 2: you don't need to worry about that. 494 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, h I'll deal with that. Come talk to me. 495 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:15,640 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah yeah. 496 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:17,879 Speaker 2: So that there's a place for that. But sometimes we 497 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,840 Speaker 2: end up re doownplay because what bloodbeat think about water? 498 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:25,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, especially in these spaces. I mean like I mean, 499 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,680 Speaker 3: I was obviously blessed to be at your waiting. I 500 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,320 Speaker 3: was blessed to be a two's waiting and then you're like, okay, 501 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:33,400 Speaker 3: I'm the one with this person and diaspora, right, but 502 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,640 Speaker 3: like now when the real quote unquote family is around, 503 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:40,359 Speaker 3: what's my role? Like, you know, so it's like, okay, 504 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,880 Speaker 3: then do I just and I guess, as you said 505 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,679 Speaker 3: the inner child, it means like, you know, you're not alarmed, 506 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,879 Speaker 3: don't have to invite you, you know, because it's like 507 00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:50,720 Speaker 3: such a weird and I think a lot of people 508 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,800 Speaker 3: who live in the USPROBA probably feel this a lot, 509 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,720 Speaker 3: where it's like your friends become your family. 510 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:57,280 Speaker 1: But then when the real. 511 00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:00,520 Speaker 3: Quotes unquote family is around and maybe you've really spent 512 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,399 Speaker 3: much time with them, because I mean, come on, we 513 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,119 Speaker 3: can't all afford to see our family all the time, 514 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:07,679 Speaker 3: then it's like, okay, now you're saying, oh, this is 515 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,560 Speaker 3: my friend Rumby, who I always and now always. But 516 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,480 Speaker 3: then I was like, how do I introduce her into this? 517 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,080 Speaker 3: Because they also feel like I'm your sister, I'm your brother, 518 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:19,400 Speaker 3: I'm your He's like the weird thing of really boundaries. 519 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:23,879 Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, for sure. And I think what's great 520 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:28,439 Speaker 2: is now friends are meeting family, like you've met my 521 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,760 Speaker 2: family over and over and you know they know you, 522 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:35,959 Speaker 2: and likewise like you've included me with your family with 523 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,440 Speaker 2: myself family, Like so it goes. But I totally get 524 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 2: there's always this line of. 525 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:44,520 Speaker 1: Like then you know, yeah, yeah, I remember the. 526 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,080 Speaker 2: Last was it last? Did you see each other the 527 00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:46,720 Speaker 2: last Christmas? 528 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:46,960 Speaker 1: Yes? 529 00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:50,680 Speaker 3: Yes, oh my god, such a long time I know. 530 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:52,880 Speaker 2: But like even then when you're like, oh, come stay 531 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:57,479 Speaker 2: with the family, and I was like, yeah, right, because 532 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:01,159 Speaker 2: you're like, what's my place? And how to have friends 533 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:06,440 Speaker 2: who get that in a way, because now pins out 534 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,040 Speaker 2: like in places where you don't belong, you're just entering. 535 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, will make you feel at ease, Like I would 536 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,600 Speaker 3: hope that even when you came to stay with myself 537 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,760 Speaker 3: that you were at ease, not like you've invited me 538 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:18,359 Speaker 3: to this space. 539 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:22,440 Speaker 1: Now I feel like an outsider, like what's happening here? 540 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:23,960 Speaker 1: Like I don't know. 541 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:27,359 Speaker 2: It's so then our families get too comfortable with you know, 542 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:29,600 Speaker 2: like you don't need to be so comfortable. 543 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,520 Speaker 1: And even Valencin in five years they act like they 544 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:32,320 Speaker 1: saw you yesterday. 545 00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 2: Yeah. Even with your homies now they're getting to come 546 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:42,680 Speaker 2: from like relass relax homies as an extension of you 547 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:43,800 Speaker 2: who goes. 548 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,720 Speaker 3: How do you think boundaries play a role in like 549 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,880 Speaker 3: romantic relationships, work, friendships, etc. 550 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:58,400 Speaker 2: Uh? Crucial necessary, And I think people think it's weird. 551 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 2: I'll take relationships. I think people think it's weird to 552 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:08,120 Speaker 2: have romantic relationships, specifically boundaries and romantic relationships. But I'm like, oh, 553 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,640 Speaker 2: that's the most important because you need to be able 554 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 2: to trust someone. And I think you can be very 555 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:17,959 Speaker 2: honest and open with someone and vulnerable with someone, but 556 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:22,600 Speaker 2: also have certain boundaries, like, for instance, like being able 557 00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:24,720 Speaker 2: to say, you know, I just need some me time now, 558 00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:27,880 Speaker 2: Like that is't wrong, that's just like you need to 559 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 2: feel up on yourself, and likewise they will need to. 560 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,600 Speaker 2: You know, we're not trying to be codependent as people 561 00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:39,240 Speaker 2: things like that or you know, I would really appreciate 562 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,800 Speaker 2: like we don't share. You don't talk about this aspect 563 00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:45,680 Speaker 2: of my life with X people. That's setting a boundary, 564 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,560 Speaker 2: they know. But you're saying like when it comes to sharing, 565 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,760 Speaker 2: like let's just keep it between you and I. That's 566 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:54,040 Speaker 2: the part of the trust and so on and so forth. 567 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 3: Worksh Hey, the work, ones, man, I'll let you take 568 00:29:58,640 --> 00:29:59,920 Speaker 3: a fast work. 569 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,960 Speaker 1: Want to be thick and fast because PEPs who. 570 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:07,480 Speaker 3: Like I went from on Perth, I used to be like, no, young, innocent, 571 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:10,760 Speaker 3: she's your first job. Like and then as I said, right, 572 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:13,640 Speaker 3: of social media. I've been friends with everybody at work. 573 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:15,960 Speaker 3: Then that day take a day off. You're like, you know, 574 00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:18,720 Speaker 3: I got to be hiding people from you know, Like 575 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:22,360 Speaker 3: I mean I went from bad extreme yeah, to like 576 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 3: the other extreme now where I'm like, I'm not friends 577 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:28,720 Speaker 3: with my work like outside of work, it's your work colleague. 578 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:30,280 Speaker 1: Like that is literally it. 579 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,120 Speaker 3: And I think it's just because obviously, I guess a 580 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,600 Speaker 3: lot of boundaries are learned by being burnt where you're like, okay, 581 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:36,600 Speaker 3: maybe now it's two. 582 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:39,240 Speaker 1: It's like the lines are being blurred. 583 00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 3: Now information you know is a friend supposedly now you're 584 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:44,120 Speaker 3: using against me at. 585 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,640 Speaker 1: Work, you know what I mean. It's it's like and 586 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 1: really I don't want. 587 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:49,440 Speaker 2: To be my friend sometimes in the situation. 588 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:52,960 Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, it's really when it's like a ladder to clown, 589 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:55,800 Speaker 3: it's like, you know, putting against each other. 590 00:30:56,240 --> 00:31:00,600 Speaker 1: Then it's like, yeah, no, I need to sit bounce people. 591 00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:03,520 Speaker 2: Also, because for me, I think I go into as 592 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,320 Speaker 2: much as I'm saying, I'm like, oh I said boundaries 593 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:08,720 Speaker 2: or I have mad love for people, like I care 594 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:12,480 Speaker 2: about people the people if I if I care about you, 595 00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:16,800 Speaker 2: I really do, really and truly. So if we are 596 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:22,160 Speaker 2: developing a quote unquote friendship within a work environment. I 597 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,520 Speaker 2: feel like I should you know, you want to trust 598 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,840 Speaker 2: this person, but I don't learned. If you don't work, 599 00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:32,000 Speaker 2: you learn that. Yeah, often times that's not the case 600 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:35,520 Speaker 2: and you can't fully trust in those scenarios. So for me, 601 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:38,520 Speaker 2: I'm with you. I'm like, maybe we can go for drinks, 602 00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:41,120 Speaker 2: like you know, once in a while, just to be 603 00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:45,320 Speaker 2: like sociable and all that. But that's about it. 604 00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:48,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like the ones that get crossed a 605 00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:49,800 Speaker 3: lot for me are friendships. 606 00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,680 Speaker 1: This is like someone just thinks at I know you 607 00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:53,760 Speaker 1: have known you, you know what it's like. 608 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,080 Speaker 3: No, but now I want to do it this way, 609 00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:57,719 Speaker 3: and I want to rewrite my story. 610 00:31:57,800 --> 00:31:59,880 Speaker 1: I don't want to do that anymore. 611 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:02,720 Speaker 3: Let's say, for example, I'm just throwing out something like 612 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:04,200 Speaker 3: like I don't want to drink anymore, and this is 613 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:06,120 Speaker 3: a friend you used to drink with, and it's like 614 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:08,440 Speaker 3: there's always that like pressure like no, but we used 615 00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:10,200 Speaker 3: to always do this. Because people don't also want to 616 00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:13,120 Speaker 3: let go of things they've always done right, especially when 617 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:16,880 Speaker 3: you seemingly seem like you're above that now or you're 618 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:20,360 Speaker 3: over that now and they're not, and it's like, yeah, 619 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:24,719 Speaker 3: but I've changed, my story has changed. I'm not the 620 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,160 Speaker 3: same old person, like as much as i'm your friend. 621 00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:29,400 Speaker 3: But then it's like then you find those people like 622 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:30,920 Speaker 3: I don't know if you've ever had this, I've had 623 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:32,760 Speaker 3: this a lot, like when you go back to zim 624 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,080 Speaker 3: and you go back with a friend, or even when 625 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:37,120 Speaker 3: I went back to myself and it's like, oh my gosh. 626 00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:39,480 Speaker 3: Even the way you speak is different, even the way 627 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:42,960 Speaker 3: you like, but it's like you revert. 628 00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:46,200 Speaker 1: Back to the person you used to that. 629 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:52,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, like you know you're wrapping or the lingo used 630 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:53,800 Speaker 3: to wrap in high school or whatever it is like 631 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:56,160 Speaker 3: with that person, because that's the bond that you had. 632 00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:58,880 Speaker 1: But then now you're like, no, but now I'm this new. 633 00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:02,880 Speaker 3: Other person and at the tipele don't respect boundaries and 634 00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,800 Speaker 3: it becomes a bit like oh she changes, like not changing, 635 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:09,760 Speaker 3: it's just that with different people like what you used 636 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:11,760 Speaker 3: to know absolutely and I've had it. 637 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:14,360 Speaker 2: Not this, I mean similar to what we were talking 638 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,880 Speaker 2: about earlier, where people still box you into this thing 639 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:20,960 Speaker 2: that this is who you are and you're like, no, sweetie, 640 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:24,640 Speaker 2: not anymore. You knew me at like thirteen. That was 641 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:30,360 Speaker 2: how many years ago. So absolutely, and for me, I 642 00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:35,240 Speaker 2: think with friendships, it's I've been very blessed and you're 643 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,440 Speaker 2: not spoken about this. I don't have a plethora of 644 00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:41,160 Speaker 2: friends or like a you know, I have a good 645 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:45,680 Speaker 2: group of core friends and people who are friends, you know, 646 00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:50,840 Speaker 2: in an extended way. But I've been blessed that the 647 00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:55,520 Speaker 2: core group of friends I've had have almost developed most 648 00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,320 Speaker 2: of the friendships have developed into a form of sisterhood, 649 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:02,600 Speaker 2: if that makes sense. And with that being able to say, Okay, 650 00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:06,239 Speaker 2: you're in this phase and understand each person's phase, like 651 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:09,400 Speaker 2: this is where you're at, and respecting and just supporting 652 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:13,719 Speaker 2: a lot of the times, not being in communication as 653 00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:15,560 Speaker 2: frequently as we would if we live in the same 654 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:16,000 Speaker 2: place and. 655 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,879 Speaker 1: The same you know. Yeah yeah, But so that. 656 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,680 Speaker 2: Has been a blessing for me. I think the hard 657 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:24,880 Speaker 2: part is new friendships as I've become an adult, of 658 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:28,960 Speaker 2: like trying to create these friendships and what are the 659 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,440 Speaker 2: boundaries or like, you know, I'm not always up to 660 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:35,040 Speaker 2: do this or you know, and things like that that 661 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:38,760 Speaker 2: I find is something I've had to navigate as an adult. 662 00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:41,120 Speaker 2: It's like trying to push myself out of my comfort 663 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,080 Speaker 2: zone because hey, you want to make friends in the 664 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:46,520 Speaker 2: space you're in, but then also being like, okay, give 665 00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:49,640 Speaker 2: and take, because as adults, you're so quick to be like, 666 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:53,600 Speaker 2: you know, this is too much work by you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, 667 00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:57,120 Speaker 2: it becomes like that absolutely, And so you're trying to 668 00:34:57,239 --> 00:35:03,480 Speaker 2: set boundaries by but also still be open to developing 669 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:07,760 Speaker 2: and enriching the friendship, which is something in and of itself. 670 00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:12,840 Speaker 3: So yeah, how have you reacted when boundaries have been pushed? 671 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:14,640 Speaker 1: Though? How do you think you react? 672 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:16,759 Speaker 3: You just got me thinking about it, Like, when someone 673 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:18,040 Speaker 3: doesn't respect your boundaries? 674 00:35:19,239 --> 00:35:20,320 Speaker 1: How does one react? 675 00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:23,399 Speaker 3: Because I know for me, like, I find it hard 676 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:24,760 Speaker 3: to have those conversations. 677 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:29,359 Speaker 1: I think because I'm like, I don't know, come off 678 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:30,399 Speaker 1: as rude. 679 00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,960 Speaker 2: But I also like, but then I think for me, 680 00:35:34,719 --> 00:35:37,480 Speaker 2: I don't like having uncomfortable conversations, especially if we're not 681 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:42,440 Speaker 2: close like that, Like it's a very weird thing. And 682 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:46,920 Speaker 2: when boundaries across, I try to give my perspective respectfully 683 00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:50,719 Speaker 2: and then leave it at that. I'm also I'm not 684 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:55,319 Speaker 2: afraid to like let go away girl, and I've been 685 00:35:55,719 --> 00:35:59,320 Speaker 2: and I've been unalized for that. I've been told like, oh, 686 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:02,840 Speaker 2: just you could just so you know, but I really 687 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:06,359 Speaker 2: maybe because as since forever, as we spoke about, I've 688 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,600 Speaker 2: been able to just do me and I know I have, 689 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,799 Speaker 2: like I said, a good core group of people who 690 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:17,080 Speaker 2: are truly there for me and support me. So I'm like, 691 00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:19,480 Speaker 2: you know, what we're not going to do is you're 692 00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:23,799 Speaker 2: not going to what's a reverse psychology? What reverse psychology? 693 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:25,360 Speaker 2: My request for partner? 694 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:29,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 695 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:31,120 Speaker 2: But it's hard because you know, you want friendships to 696 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:34,080 Speaker 2: work out, you want things to go in a certain way. 697 00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:40,640 Speaker 2: But at the same time, I'm like cost benefit, I'm balanced, 698 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:44,000 Speaker 2: and the cost is too high. It's fine, It's fine. 699 00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:48,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, And I'm the family as well, even like financial boundaries. 700 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,440 Speaker 1: Someone has been so hard for me. 701 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,160 Speaker 3: Could you end up just like not letting people in 702 00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:55,399 Speaker 3: because you're like, you're gonna use this against me, You're 703 00:36:55,440 --> 00:37:01,080 Speaker 3: gonna so like it's so hard because it's like, you know, no, 704 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:04,640 Speaker 3: it's a complete sentence, and it's hard for people, especially 705 00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:05,600 Speaker 3: Zimbabwean people to. 706 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:09,600 Speaker 1: Understand as you know, they an explanation. 707 00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:12,480 Speaker 3: Or then you end making up stories and it's just 708 00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:14,600 Speaker 3: like no, but when you ask someone a question or 709 00:37:14,719 --> 00:37:19,720 Speaker 3: ask someone for help, I can say no and that's okay, 710 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:22,239 Speaker 3: And I think that's a concept was still trying to 711 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:27,200 Speaker 3: wrap our heads around, especially like zim familiessus, like no, 712 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,399 Speaker 3: I've asked you, so I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. 713 00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:33,960 Speaker 3: And it's like okay, So whether I said yes or no, 714 00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:37,040 Speaker 3: it didn't matter. It was just like, Okay, this is 715 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,200 Speaker 3: what this one needs to happen, and it's going to happen. 716 00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,839 Speaker 3: It was like, I think that I've learned a lot 717 00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:46,279 Speaker 3: since moving to Australia, like exercising that no or just 718 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:50,799 Speaker 3: plain ass and ignoring people or sometimes just not even responding. 719 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:52,319 Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh, that. 720 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:56,040 Speaker 2: Family encroaching thing you and you and I talk about 721 00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:58,919 Speaker 2: it all the time, and it's like, is the thorn 722 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:02,000 Speaker 2: in the side of my flex just All said in 723 00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:06,280 Speaker 2: one of his versus, I think it's Philippians, maybe Corinthia. 724 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:11,919 Speaker 2: I don't know. No, that's gone and yeah. And then 725 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,320 Speaker 2: when you try to set boundaries, it's like who you, 726 00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:16,640 Speaker 2: what are you? 727 00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:19,279 Speaker 1: Yeah? Or who am I to you? 728 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:23,279 Speaker 3: I'm your I'm your dad, Yeah, their hands, you should 729 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,840 Speaker 3: treat me like this. And I feel like especially our parents' 730 00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:30,160 Speaker 3: generation and older didn't have boundaries. Their boundaries are constantly 731 00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:34,200 Speaker 3: like being disrespected. So to them, they're like no, no, no, 732 00:38:34,239 --> 00:38:37,239 Speaker 3: older people can can disrespect your boundaries, doesn't matter. Like 733 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,480 Speaker 3: once I'm older person tells you to do something, you 734 00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:42,239 Speaker 3: do it. So then for them to then flip their 735 00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:45,960 Speaker 3: hands to realize that their kids want boundaries, it's like what. 736 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:48,239 Speaker 2: Is this? 737 00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:51,560 Speaker 3: You know, when I ask for something, I get it 738 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:53,800 Speaker 3: from my child, like that is the way it works. 739 00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:55,719 Speaker 1: And then you're like no, no, no, no, no no no, 740 00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:56,839 Speaker 1: there's not the way it works. 741 00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:01,200 Speaker 2: That's no exactly, But do you feel that once boundaries 742 00:39:01,239 --> 00:39:04,120 Speaker 2: are set, it's an opportunity for us to rewrite our 743 00:39:04,239 --> 00:39:07,440 Speaker 2: story or day to day life like do you. 744 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,479 Speaker 1: Think I do? I do? 745 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:10,879 Speaker 2: I think? 746 00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:11,359 Speaker 3: I mean? 747 00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:12,120 Speaker 1: I mean my message. 748 00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:14,960 Speaker 3: But also being a new mom has been another opportunity 749 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:17,279 Speaker 3: to set boundaries because people will be like with your 750 00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:19,840 Speaker 3: if you're like willing really with your child people also 751 00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:24,359 Speaker 3: just so you you like also need to then know 752 00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:27,200 Speaker 3: what you what what are boundaries and what are like Okay, 753 00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:29,319 Speaker 3: maybe I'm being too much of a helicopter mom here 754 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:32,080 Speaker 3: or maybe like no, really I have to advocate and 755 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:36,000 Speaker 3: set boundaries for my kids, you know, like a recent 756 00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:37,920 Speaker 3: one of mine is. To give an example, is like 757 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,920 Speaker 3: talking about jeroms hair. So a lot of times jeroms 758 00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:46,279 Speaker 3: around Caucasian kids. So to them when they see they, oh, 759 00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:49,399 Speaker 3: I love is curls, And the next word they use 760 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:50,200 Speaker 3: is wild. 761 00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:52,160 Speaker 1: I love as curls. 762 00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:56,840 Speaker 3: There's so wild, And you're like, you aren't necessarily wild, 763 00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:01,040 Speaker 3: you don't know. They make it seem like it's a joke, 764 00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:05,000 Speaker 3: like it's a passing comment and a part of the. 765 00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:07,680 Speaker 1: Yeah girl. 766 00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:11,360 Speaker 3: At some times it's like, after a while, I'm like, Okay, no, actually, 767 00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:15,840 Speaker 3: I don't want this to be a repeated statement, repeated 768 00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:17,680 Speaker 3: sentiment around his hair. 769 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:19,360 Speaker 1: Yes he has curls. 770 00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:23,279 Speaker 3: Yes they grow wherever way they are really, Yes they're 771 00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:26,520 Speaker 3: not going to be perfectly coiled and growing whatever. But 772 00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:30,440 Speaker 3: it's like the word wild to me is wild like 773 00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:33,440 Speaker 3: that so upon a lot of times, and now I'm 774 00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:35,719 Speaker 3: correcting people. That's a boundary for me. I'm like, no, 775 00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:38,399 Speaker 3: I'm really intentional about what I say about us hair. 776 00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:41,560 Speaker 3: So please you know you can use it or like 777 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:44,600 Speaker 3: And I think people say it without thinking. 778 00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:47,000 Speaker 1: But it's like, when you're already added. 779 00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:50,160 Speaker 3: You don't need all these words that make you feel 780 00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:50,919 Speaker 3: even more. 781 00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:54,799 Speaker 1: I know it's only one but it's like I need 782 00:40:54,840 --> 00:40:55,760 Speaker 1: to start. 783 00:40:57,320 --> 00:41:04,080 Speaker 2: I love us here, girl, that's a sentence. Stop stop, 784 00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,560 Speaker 2: It's all good, nothing more. 785 00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:11,200 Speaker 3: And like the touching, obviously that's another thing standard and 786 00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:15,399 Speaker 3: you're just like, yeah, okay, I need to now set 787 00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:19,399 Speaker 3: boundaries and be like very swift and fast with them. 788 00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:22,240 Speaker 3: I can't just be like ha make people feel everyone 789 00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:24,520 Speaker 3: feels comfortable apart from me and him, Like, what's the 790 00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:25,040 Speaker 3: point in that? 791 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you know, that's. 792 00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:29,960 Speaker 1: That's that's I don't know, what do you think about 793 00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:30,719 Speaker 1: rewriting our. 794 00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:35,040 Speaker 2: Story absolutely, because as you said, our ancestors probably didn't 795 00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:38,440 Speaker 2: even have boundary. What none of the vocabulary. Is there 796 00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:40,400 Speaker 2: even a show a word and really word for boundaries. 797 00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:43,680 Speaker 2: I don't actually think there's a boundary boundary. They'll be 798 00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:47,319 Speaker 2: like say what now, so there was no such thing. 799 00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:52,040 Speaker 2: And I think our people are learning, like by us 800 00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:56,440 Speaker 2: now trying to re set these boundaries, re rewriting the 801 00:41:56,520 --> 00:42:04,560 Speaker 2: narrative of being black zoom a woman African child. And 802 00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:08,000 Speaker 2: I think it takes a lot of gods men, because 803 00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:12,279 Speaker 2: it'd be rough. And you know, for me, it's at 804 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:16,560 Speaker 2: this age still having a fear of telling my parents 805 00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:21,080 Speaker 2: no or saying I want this so I don't want 806 00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:25,560 Speaker 2: this or this is where I'm going or and just 807 00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:30,279 Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm thirty five, I tt you, how is 808 00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,160 Speaker 2: that normal? And then I Youmber, you know, when we 809 00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:36,480 Speaker 2: were kids would go visit my grandparents and they're very religious. 810 00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:40,200 Speaker 2: So my aunts and uncles, you know, they pretend they 811 00:42:40,239 --> 00:42:43,200 Speaker 2: don't drink. They just be drinking out of monks, you know. 812 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:45,279 Speaker 2: And by looking at them and I'm like, we all 813 00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:49,239 Speaker 2: know you drink, we all know mons. But because they 814 00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:52,480 Speaker 2: were at their parents' house, they were now drinking out 815 00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:56,680 Speaker 2: of the mug. You know, they knew the boundaries, Yeah, exactly. 816 00:42:56,880 --> 00:42:59,200 Speaker 2: So it's kind of us setting and saying like this 817 00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:02,200 Speaker 2: is who I am, and you know, hopefully for the 818 00:43:02,239 --> 00:43:07,480 Speaker 2: betterment of our future generations and children, because YO like 819 00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:11,239 Speaker 2: this boundary, this life, Like I just think of just 820 00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:16,319 Speaker 2: the lack of privacy and just you know what you 821 00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:18,719 Speaker 2: what I say goes or what do you mean you 822 00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:20,719 Speaker 2: need time? What do you mean you need space? What 823 00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:23,799 Speaker 2: do you mean you are this that or other? Like 824 00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:27,879 Speaker 2: where you know in your spirits you don't need this 825 00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:29,560 Speaker 2: or don't want this, or don't want to be around 826 00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:32,360 Speaker 2: this family member or don't need this family member's opinion 827 00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:36,279 Speaker 2: or don't need so many things, and then it's like 828 00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:39,719 Speaker 2: you had no right and it's like wow, do you 829 00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:46,319 Speaker 2: know how? You know? It takes away your authority for 830 00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:51,280 Speaker 2: your own life. So I think it's definitely we're starting 831 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,719 Speaker 2: to rewrite and it's hard. So anybody out there struggling. 832 00:43:55,239 --> 00:44:00,600 Speaker 1: Charlie, there weren't you. 833 00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:02,520 Speaker 2: I'm right when you're on that. Actually, someone who. 834 00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:05,879 Speaker 3: Is listening, how do you think they can set their 835 00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:07,080 Speaker 3: own boundaries? 836 00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:08,799 Speaker 1: What do you think the first steps would be? 837 00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:15,240 Speaker 2: Well, I think the first steps actually are an understanding 838 00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:19,280 Speaker 2: of what makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable, 839 00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:23,560 Speaker 2: because I think when you have grown or been in 840 00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,960 Speaker 2: an environment so long where you haven't had boundaries, you 841 00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:30,879 Speaker 2: start not understanding or hearing yourself. And I think I 842 00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:34,520 Speaker 2: literally went through a moment where my inner child we 843 00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:39,480 Speaker 2: all have an inner child or in a person, was like, basically, 844 00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:42,799 Speaker 2: you're you're doing me wrong, right, You're doing a gangster like, 845 00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,760 Speaker 2: who's taking care of me? Who's protecting me? That's literally 846 00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:50,600 Speaker 2: how it felt. I felt so exposed and so like 847 00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:54,240 Speaker 2: I'm cared for, so taking a moment to listen to say, Okay, 848 00:44:54,719 --> 00:44:58,080 Speaker 2: I don't feel comfortable when X happens. I don't feel 849 00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:02,319 Speaker 2: comfortable when why happens. Start by paying attention to that, 850 00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:05,239 Speaker 2: and then what environments do those feelings come up in 851 00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:11,200 Speaker 2: or what situations? And it's just learning. It's hard to 852 00:45:11,239 --> 00:45:12,479 Speaker 2: say no, y'all is hard. 853 00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:16,800 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's awkward in some ways. It's awkward, right because 854 00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:19,160 Speaker 3: you also I feel like you also have to learn. 855 00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:21,080 Speaker 1: Which language to use. 856 00:45:21,480 --> 00:45:24,000 Speaker 3: And I say this from work as well, like because 857 00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:27,520 Speaker 3: obviously you know WhatsApp, someone who grab your number from 858 00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:29,720 Speaker 3: work for whatever reason, maybe you went to a conference, 859 00:45:29,719 --> 00:45:31,960 Speaker 3: I don't know, whatever the reason, and then now they're like, Yo, 860 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:35,359 Speaker 3: what's up, baddie, And you're like, ah, no, like there's 861 00:45:35,360 --> 00:45:38,120 Speaker 3: a boundary. You know, that number was only given that 862 00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:41,319 Speaker 3: certain scenario, not for you to now hollow at me and. 863 00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,319 Speaker 1: See my status and not just to be lucking you, 864 00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:47,680 Speaker 1: you know. So it's like it's like learning that as well. 865 00:45:47,800 --> 00:45:50,480 Speaker 3: Like I've learned, I've learned the last couple of years 866 00:45:50,520 --> 00:45:54,560 Speaker 3: to really be like and swift with things. I feel 867 00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:57,399 Speaker 3: like sometimes a lot of people's excuse is, ah, but. 868 00:45:57,440 --> 00:45:59,680 Speaker 1: You never had a problem with this, you know? Now? 869 00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:02,160 Speaker 1: Why is it a problem now? Like you know what 870 00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:04,479 Speaker 1: I mean, and I was like, yeah, now I do 871 00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:05,640 Speaker 1: or I. 872 00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:09,160 Speaker 3: Didn't find the words to tell you before and now 873 00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:11,400 Speaker 3: it really see the effect this has on me. I 874 00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:14,640 Speaker 3: don't like it, like don't don't do this, don't do that, 875 00:46:14,800 --> 00:46:18,120 Speaker 3: and like I feel like yeah, finding the right language 876 00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:20,800 Speaker 3: where it's like it still lands okay, but it's still 877 00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:23,799 Speaker 3: firm enough to be like, yes, this this being. 878 00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:26,239 Speaker 2: And you may find that you may actually need to 879 00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:28,879 Speaker 2: start with that block button or limiting who can see 880 00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:32,680 Speaker 2: your WhatsApp stages or unfriending. I went through a phase 881 00:46:32,719 --> 00:46:36,120 Speaker 2: of that heavy and I was just like, uh, we 882 00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:40,120 Speaker 2: not I don't feel and you know, things like that. 883 00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:43,080 Speaker 2: You know how we they say we should what cleans our. 884 00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:44,520 Speaker 1: Feeds or social media? 885 00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:47,239 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's the same would say who has 886 00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:50,040 Speaker 2: access to you and your social media? That's why you 887 00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:53,920 Speaker 2: have an accounts. You can also do that. Yeah, I 888 00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:56,440 Speaker 2: just I just went through a phase where I was 889 00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:59,239 Speaker 2: like I just don't need that. And also choosing where 890 00:46:59,239 --> 00:47:02,120 Speaker 2: I share and for me mostly yeah, I think that 891 00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:06,120 Speaker 2: I share is probably one on one direct conversation with 892 00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:11,719 Speaker 2: me and somebody. So it evolves and then eventually you 893 00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:17,960 Speaker 2: just say I'd rather not you know, I'm sorry, I can't. Still, 894 00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:20,480 Speaker 2: I still feel like I over explained myself. 895 00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:23,520 Speaker 3: I was about to say that, especially in the workspace 896 00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,040 Speaker 3: someone who hollered you after five and they'll be like, 897 00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:28,800 Speaker 3: I don't can you do this? And now we're like, no, sorry, 898 00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:31,960 Speaker 3: I can't. I got a doctor's no. No, it was 899 00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:33,120 Speaker 3: a complete senterm. 900 00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:37,000 Speaker 2: No, it's a completing and it's okay, just to good morning, exactly, 901 00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:40,520 Speaker 2: I'll deal with this tomorrow morning. Or like if someone 902 00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:45,719 Speaker 2: messages you, I will not open the message until work. Yeah, 903 00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:52,320 Speaker 2: that's that's when I am exactly. Yeah, I don't know. 904 00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:53,360 Speaker 1: I think I've learned. 905 00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:57,640 Speaker 3: You have to learn to be unapologetic with it, like 906 00:47:57,840 --> 00:48:01,480 Speaker 3: you're not being rude, You're just actually stating your boundaries. 907 00:48:01,480 --> 00:48:04,320 Speaker 3: And there should be within the confines of where it 908 00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:06,600 Speaker 3: makes sense, like obviously, if you mean to be at 909 00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:09,839 Speaker 3: work and you're like, I know, only answered tomorrow doesn't 910 00:48:09,880 --> 00:48:11,160 Speaker 3: make sense exactly. 911 00:48:12,440 --> 00:48:13,359 Speaker 2: Like his name? 912 00:48:13,400 --> 00:48:14,239 Speaker 1: What was that guy? 913 00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:19,680 Speaker 2: That Jewish the chumpster? What's his name? He was in youth? 914 00:48:20,800 --> 00:48:25,680 Speaker 2: That was no, no, no, no, he's one of those, Yes, 915 00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:27,880 Speaker 2: one of the one I know the session. 916 00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:30,799 Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I need to find this. 917 00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:37,360 Speaker 2: Let me find Jonah Hill, Jonah Hill, don't be Jonah Hill. Okay, 918 00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:40,520 Speaker 2: if y'all don't know what Jonah Hill did. He was 919 00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:44,200 Speaker 2: dating a surfer. They met, she was a surfer and 920 00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:48,359 Speaker 2: obviously she wore swimsuits for her job. It's like that's 921 00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:52,239 Speaker 2: her life and he's been going through therapy. Isn't even 922 00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:57,920 Speaker 2: as a show on Netflix right about therapist because he's 923 00:48:57,920 --> 00:49:00,799 Speaker 2: so woke now you know, he can't shut them eyes 924 00:49:00,880 --> 00:49:04,000 Speaker 2: sometimes he needs to do, I feel. But basically he 925 00:49:04,239 --> 00:49:09,840 Speaker 2: gave her an ultimate time yeah, and ultimatum, saying I 926 00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:12,360 Speaker 2: don't like when you wear certain things when you're surfing. 927 00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:15,839 Speaker 2: I don't like you surfing with dudes. I don't like controlling. 928 00:49:15,920 --> 00:49:18,279 Speaker 2: These are my boundaries. I don't want to be with 929 00:49:18,320 --> 00:49:22,080 Speaker 2: someone who is what what what? That is misuse of 930 00:49:22,160 --> 00:49:28,080 Speaker 2: boundary and therapy speak, because he absolutely knew who he 931 00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:31,720 Speaker 2: was going into a relationship with. He probably was into 932 00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:33,920 Speaker 2: her because she dressed. 933 00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:35,799 Speaker 1: On the side. 934 00:49:35,840 --> 00:49:39,359 Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, mort you know things like that. So 935 00:49:39,400 --> 00:49:44,080 Speaker 2: obviously we're not saying use it manipulatively, but use it 936 00:49:44,520 --> 00:49:49,440 Speaker 2: to because ultimately, what your boundaries are for, it's for 937 00:49:50,719 --> 00:49:54,720 Speaker 2: protecting and caring for yourself, especially. 938 00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:55,239 Speaker 1: In your sanity. 939 00:49:55,360 --> 00:49:58,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, your sanity and I was talking about that inner 940 00:49:58,239 --> 00:50:01,640 Speaker 2: child that in a person with you because you know 941 00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:04,839 Speaker 2: and you something don't feel right. How man, how many 942 00:50:04,880 --> 00:50:09,040 Speaker 2: horror stories, thrillers documentaries have you watched when they're like, oh, 943 00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:12,239 Speaker 2: I knew something wasn't right. Gabrielle Union, when she had 944 00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:16,439 Speaker 2: her unfortunate experience and ended up being raped, she writes 945 00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:18,560 Speaker 2: about it and talks about she's like she just knew, 946 00:50:18,719 --> 00:50:21,319 Speaker 2: like she had an inkling feeling. And it's not to 947 00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:23,960 Speaker 2: say these people are to blame, but I think what 948 00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:28,279 Speaker 2: they're saying is we sometimes over rationalize and say no, no, no, 949 00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:31,720 Speaker 2: I'm being ridiculous, No, no, no, but it's some something 950 00:50:31,760 --> 00:50:34,520 Speaker 2: within you is telling you it ain't right. Yeah. 951 00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:35,240 Speaker 1: Yeah. 952 00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:39,040 Speaker 3: And I find like boundaries are personal a lot of times. 953 00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:42,000 Speaker 3: They don't have to do with what everybody else is doing. Yes, 954 00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:44,040 Speaker 3: you're just saying for me, this is. 955 00:50:43,920 --> 00:50:44,840 Speaker 1: How I operate. 956 00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:49,000 Speaker 3: So like in the in the Jonah Hill situation, it's 957 00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:50,880 Speaker 3: not like you should just be like, this is how 958 00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:53,560 Speaker 3: I operate. I don't want to partner who then that's 959 00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:55,440 Speaker 3: a decide whether it stays with her or not. 960 00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:59,719 Speaker 1: Not you where where you change, then it's God. 961 00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:04,120 Speaker 3: Now that's control and manipulation because it's in a lot 962 00:51:04,120 --> 00:51:06,880 Speaker 3: of times it's just your own set of rules for 963 00:51:06,920 --> 00:51:10,279 Speaker 3: yourself that you have to protect yourself and they got 964 00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:13,000 Speaker 3: nothing to do with the other's around their own, and 965 00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:16,160 Speaker 3: then you just try and respect each other. I find 966 00:51:16,200 --> 00:51:18,120 Speaker 3: a lot of times people start to use it as yes, 967 00:51:18,239 --> 00:51:20,759 Speaker 3: you're saying a control mechanism where it's like no, but 968 00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:21,319 Speaker 3: I don't like that. 969 00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:23,720 Speaker 1: It's like no, no, no, that's not a boundary though. 970 00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:27,239 Speaker 2: Yeah. And then also, don't get pissed if you said 971 00:51:27,280 --> 00:51:30,520 Speaker 2: those boundaries and someone is like, Okay, I'm out, But 972 00:51:31,719 --> 00:51:35,919 Speaker 2: don't get pissed because it's like maybe that doesn't sit 973 00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:39,680 Speaker 2: well with them, or it's just it's like so then 974 00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:41,839 Speaker 2: you just don't now be like ah, but why don't 975 00:51:41,840 --> 00:51:42,879 Speaker 2: you want to be my own? 976 00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:46,360 Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, and trivialize someone else's boundaries. 977 00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:49,080 Speaker 1: I find could do that a lot. So someone will say, oh, 978 00:51:49,239 --> 00:51:50,320 Speaker 1: then you're like, ah. 979 00:51:51,000 --> 00:51:54,760 Speaker 2: Know that, like like that's such. 980 00:51:54,600 --> 00:51:58,520 Speaker 3: A like I told you out of you know, as 981 00:51:58,600 --> 00:52:00,920 Speaker 3: a friend or whatever, but I didn't tell you so you. 982 00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:01,560 Speaker 1: Can mock me. 983 00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:03,760 Speaker 2: Yeah yeah and some food. 984 00:52:04,760 --> 00:52:06,479 Speaker 1: Yeah, oh girl, But do. 985 00:52:06,440 --> 00:52:11,640 Speaker 2: You think that in boundaries or your story changes over time? 986 00:52:11,719 --> 00:52:16,839 Speaker 2: Because we spoke earlier about Okay, maybe it wasn't a thing, 987 00:52:16,880 --> 00:52:18,799 Speaker 2: and then now it's the thing. Is like, now I 988 00:52:18,840 --> 00:52:21,680 Speaker 2: have a boundary. So do boundaries change over time? Do 989 00:52:21,719 --> 00:52:24,160 Speaker 2: you think you can get comfortable with something that maybe 990 00:52:24,320 --> 00:52:25,800 Speaker 2: used to stress you out? 991 00:52:26,040 --> 00:52:29,320 Speaker 3: Or yeah, I feel like I mean, we are evolving 992 00:52:29,360 --> 00:52:32,480 Speaker 3: as a people every decade we grow up, and I 993 00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:34,200 Speaker 3: mean some start in my twenties they to do the 994 00:52:34,719 --> 00:52:37,920 Speaker 3: Lord I'll never do now. So it's like I do 995 00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:42,000 Speaker 3: think as there's some core values called beliefs, call boundaries 996 00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:45,040 Speaker 3: that probably would never change, but then there's some stuff 997 00:52:45,080 --> 00:52:50,400 Speaker 3: that will maybe evolve over time or you think differently 998 00:52:50,440 --> 00:52:52,440 Speaker 3: about it, or you meet someone else with a different 999 00:52:52,480 --> 00:52:54,799 Speaker 3: take on it, and then maybe you might adopt that. 1000 00:52:55,120 --> 00:52:58,200 Speaker 1: Or I mean we're not so rigid right as the people. 1001 00:52:58,239 --> 00:53:02,120 Speaker 3: We get influenced by different things at different times, at 1002 00:53:02,160 --> 00:53:06,160 Speaker 3: different rates. So I do think your story as much 1003 00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:08,400 Speaker 3: as your story is changing over times. As you're growing older, 1004 00:53:08,480 --> 00:53:13,640 Speaker 3: you're going wiser. And yeah, even even boundaries around you know, sexuality, 1005 00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:16,600 Speaker 3: the way you see yourself. I mean there's so many 1006 00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:19,120 Speaker 3: stories that people who like later on in life will 1007 00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:22,319 Speaker 3: find out that they're you know, lesbian or gay and 1008 00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:25,360 Speaker 3: they and their minds change around all of that. So 1009 00:53:25,400 --> 00:53:28,680 Speaker 3: I feel like we set boundaries for ourselves at a 1010 00:53:28,719 --> 00:53:29,640 Speaker 3: certain time, but I. 1011 00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:33,200 Speaker 1: Don't think it's set in stone. Yeah, that's sae. 1012 00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:37,839 Speaker 2: And I think what basically what life and the whole 1013 00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:42,520 Speaker 2: ecosystem of this life we live is that change is 1014 00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:47,480 Speaker 2: a constant like and inevitable. Yeah, in the words of 1015 00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:51,040 Speaker 2: Jene I Go, change is inevitable. Why hold on to 1016 00:53:51,239 --> 00:53:53,480 Speaker 2: what you have to? Let go? Okay, that's a really 1017 00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:57,440 Speaker 2: good song, by the way, but basically that it's an 1018 00:53:57,480 --> 00:54:00,560 Speaker 2: inevitable part of our lives. And being a to be 1019 00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:05,799 Speaker 2: fluid and be forgiving two others of like, be understanding, 1020 00:54:06,080 --> 00:54:08,719 Speaker 2: show a bit of empathy, and also do yourself. If 1021 00:54:08,760 --> 00:54:12,439 Speaker 2: you yesterday you didn't like crocs, and today you want 1022 00:54:12,440 --> 00:54:15,359 Speaker 2: to buy a pair of crops, do you It's all right, 1023 00:54:16,160 --> 00:54:19,799 Speaker 2: it's okay. You know. I heard they're really comfortable. I 1024 00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:22,400 Speaker 2: still haven't committed yet, but I heard they're really comfortable, 1025 00:54:22,480 --> 00:54:26,200 Speaker 2: So you know what I mean. It's like, yeah, I 1026 00:54:26,280 --> 00:54:30,279 Speaker 2: like stuff to be influenced exactly exactly, but like some 1027 00:54:30,560 --> 00:54:33,319 Speaker 2: you know, we hold it. I said, I will never be. 1028 00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:34,799 Speaker 1: Seen with X y Z. 1029 00:54:35,160 --> 00:54:37,680 Speaker 3: And then it's like I mean people like that around dating. 1030 00:54:37,760 --> 00:54:41,399 Speaker 3: Interracial dating is a big one. Not people will tell 1031 00:54:41,440 --> 00:54:44,520 Speaker 3: you I never saw myself dating outside my race, so 1032 00:54:44,600 --> 00:54:48,359 Speaker 3: my culture or my blah blah blah, and then you're 1033 00:54:48,440 --> 00:54:50,200 Speaker 3: just like, wow, here are your person? 1034 00:54:50,320 --> 00:54:54,280 Speaker 2: Is your person? Is your person? Yeah yeah, so yeah, 1035 00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:57,120 Speaker 2: we hope, I don't know, hopefully that gave you guys 1036 00:54:57,160 --> 00:55:01,080 Speaker 2: some insight into boundaries. Obviously, I'm sure we could have 1037 00:55:01,520 --> 00:55:04,880 Speaker 2: used more clinical terms. Not really, that's not what this 1038 00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:08,880 Speaker 2: podcast is about. But hopefully it gives you some you know, 1039 00:55:09,840 --> 00:55:14,160 Speaker 2: you know, inspiration. Some of us are definitely working on boundaries. 1040 00:55:14,239 --> 00:55:17,560 Speaker 1: Boundaries as a work in progress with African or. 1041 00:55:19,840 --> 00:55:24,000 Speaker 2: At the struggle is real. So you're not alone, let 1042 00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:29,120 Speaker 2: me tell you that anyway. So what's a zoom shout 1043 00:55:29,120 --> 00:55:32,759 Speaker 2: out for today? Amanda lim shout out. 1044 00:55:32,920 --> 00:55:35,919 Speaker 3: So we're all about books and we'd like to read 1045 00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:39,120 Speaker 3: sometimes or actually, this is a book that's centered more 1046 00:55:39,239 --> 00:55:43,080 Speaker 3: aimed more at young young girls and one boys. But 1047 00:55:43,239 --> 00:55:49,560 Speaker 3: it's called Mighty Women of Africa. It's authored by Yemupt. Yeah, 1048 00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:52,440 Speaker 3: it pretty much is a book that celebrates ten inspirational 1049 00:55:52,520 --> 00:55:57,200 Speaker 3: and remarkable women of African descent in various fields of work. 1050 00:55:57,719 --> 00:56:01,239 Speaker 1: So a lot of times. Obviously, it's the representation and matters. 1051 00:56:00,920 --> 00:56:04,320 Speaker 3: And especially for young kids to see you know, scientists 1052 00:56:04,360 --> 00:56:07,600 Speaker 3: and lawyers and doctors and singers and everything like, you know, 1053 00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:12,080 Speaker 3: just to see that we're a myriad of people. So yeah, 1054 00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:15,000 Speaker 3: we'll definitely share the Amazon link. Obviously if you've got 1055 00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:18,759 Speaker 3: little kids at home, we're looking for books that might 1056 00:56:18,800 --> 00:56:23,120 Speaker 3: inspire where they can see themselves. Written by fellows Zimbabwean. 1057 00:56:23,719 --> 00:56:26,440 Speaker 3: We will share this book with you. 1058 00:56:27,200 --> 00:56:33,279 Speaker 2: Yes, kudos to that and represent especially I don't know 1059 00:56:33,280 --> 00:56:35,960 Speaker 2: how to especially in spaces where there are fewer of us. 1060 00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:40,600 Speaker 2: It's so so crucial and also to believe so you 1061 00:56:40,640 --> 00:56:42,920 Speaker 2: believe like I can be that too, I can do that. 1062 00:56:43,120 --> 00:56:45,759 Speaker 1: Yeah. 1063 00:56:45,840 --> 00:56:49,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, the inspiration is real people really well remember like 1064 00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:51,399 Speaker 3: oh my gosh, you know you think you're not being 1065 00:56:51,440 --> 00:56:53,960 Speaker 3: an impact, but but yeah, when you break that ceiling, 1066 00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:56,799 Speaker 3: it's it's it's good for everyone coming after you. 1067 00:56:56,920 --> 00:57:00,520 Speaker 2: Absolutely, So thank you for that, and thank you all 1068 00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:04,319 Speaker 2: for listening to another episode of our podcast, and we'll 1069 00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:06,120 Speaker 2: see you on the next one. 1070 00:57:06,960 --> 00:57:08,880 Speaker 1: See you guys. Season Fat. 1071 00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:13,160 Speaker 2: I think we'll be saying this every time Season Fat 1072 00:57:13,160 --> 00:57:16,120 Speaker 2: that they heard, they done heard Season five? Yeah, but yes, 1073 00:57:16,320 --> 00:57:17,160 Speaker 2: Season Fat. 1074 00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:24,560 Speaker 1: Bye guys, Bye guys. Yeah yeah yeah yeah