WEBVTT - Figuring Out Our 30s! Uncut with Bridget Hustwaite 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:12.680 This episode was recorded on cameragle Land. Hi guys, and 0:00:12.720 --> 0:00:15.040 welcome back to another episode of Life. I'm Cut, I'm Laura, 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:17.920 I'm Brittany. Now we've spoken about it on the podcast 0:00:17.960 --> 0:00:22.240 so many times around different decades of age or years. 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:24.960 I always say that my twenties were an absolute effing 0:00:25.040 --> 0:00:27.680 shit show. They were just like the years where everything 0:00:27.680 --> 0:00:29.600 seemed to go wrong and I don't know what I 0:00:29.640 --> 0:00:30.040 was doing. 0:00:30.480 --> 0:00:32.320 Yeah, But then I always talk about the fact that 0:00:33.080 --> 0:00:36.320 I hit my thirties as well, and I did not 0:00:36.479 --> 0:00:37.839 have the life I thought I was going to have. 0:00:37.920 --> 0:00:40.200 I was so single, I'd been dumped on the bachelogue, 0:00:40.280 --> 0:00:42.960 I didn't have the white picket fans, I didn't have kids, 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:44.960 didn't know where I was going. And it's like this 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:48.240 idea that society says you've got to have your shit 0:00:48.280 --> 0:00:49.680 together when you really just don't. 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:52.479 Do you feel though, britt and I know this is 0:00:52.520 --> 0:00:54.040 an intro, but we'll get into that in a second. 0:00:54.320 --> 0:00:56.000 Do you feel like your thirties were better than your 0:00:56.040 --> 0:00:58.000 twenties or do you feel like you're like, when did 0:00:58.040 --> 0:00:58.400 you peak? 0:00:58.760 --> 0:01:02.200 Oh man, my twenties were'lyty Like I had great twenties 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:05.480 because I was in my twenties, I traveled to fifty countries. 0:01:05.560 --> 0:01:07.840 I went like around the world with my sister, but 0:01:08.120 --> 0:01:10.600 I was broke. And it's different now because now I 0:01:10.640 --> 0:01:12.800 have more money because I've got more of a stable job, 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:15.120 but I don't have the time and freedom to go 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:17.200 and do and live the life I wanted. So I 0:01:17.240 --> 0:01:18.920 think it's like it's a catch twenty two. 0:01:19.280 --> 0:01:21.360 Yeah, it's so interesting because I think that we can 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:25.360 approach new decades and especially real milestone birthdays like your 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:28.679 twenty or your thirties or whatever it looks like for you, 0:01:28.800 --> 0:01:31.480 and be fearful about what it is to come. And 0:01:31.520 --> 0:01:33.920 I do think that there's something very unique about the 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:36.600 decade of being in your thirties. It's the years where 0:01:36.600 --> 0:01:39.039 a lot of us figure out our relationships. It's where 0:01:39.080 --> 0:01:41.080 a lot of us figure out what we want in 0:01:41.120 --> 0:01:44.240 our careers, or we've come into a little bit more autonomy. 0:01:44.600 --> 0:01:47.560 But getting a better understanding of what that looks like 0:01:47.720 --> 0:01:51.600 can be really frightening. We have Bridget Husway joining us 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:54.320 today on the podcast, and that is because Bridget has 0:01:54.320 --> 0:01:57.080 written a book and it is called Figuring Out Thirty, 0:01:57.120 --> 0:01:59.120 which is all about this topic. Something that we have 0:01:59.240 --> 0:02:02.480 unpacked so many times in our own lives, and I 0:02:02.480 --> 0:02:05.720 guess in some ways we're still figuring ourselves. Bridge isn't 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:07.720 familiar to the podcast. We've had her on before to 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:11.560 speak about endometriosis so long ago when we very first started. 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:14.480 But Bridge, welcome back to the podcast. 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:18.560 Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to catch up because, yeah, 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:21.480 the last time that we did speak about ENDO, that 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:23.840 was when shit was really kicking off for me. But 0:02:24.080 --> 0:02:26.000 I was just in like book press mode for how 0:02:26.000 --> 0:02:29.079 to ENDO, but all this kind of personal internal chaos 0:02:29.440 --> 0:02:31.200 was happening, but I couldn't really tell you about it, 0:02:31.200 --> 0:02:32.680 But now I can a couple of years later. 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:35.280 Yeah, so for those that may have missed it, we 0:02:35.320 --> 0:02:36.880 will link it in our show notes. But we did 0:02:36.880 --> 0:02:40.399 do an entire episode with Bridget around endometriosis. And now 0:02:40.440 --> 0:02:43.720 we are going to crack onto all the unexpected lessons 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:45.919 that you've learned and all about the book. But before 0:02:45.960 --> 0:02:50.040 we do, you have shared previously a banging accidentally unfiltered 0:02:50.040 --> 0:02:52.440 where you've vomited at you work Christmas party. But do 0:02:52.480 --> 0:02:53.919 you have another one for us? 0:02:54.240 --> 0:02:56.120 I do well, the one that I thought of was 0:02:56.160 --> 0:02:59.560 the most recent one that's happened, and in a nutshell, 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:02.200 it was telling Troy Sevann to go we wi and 0:03:02.240 --> 0:03:05.320 it got captured on National Live TV, and it was 0:03:06.360 --> 0:03:07.240 you go wee wee wee. 0:03:07.600 --> 0:03:08.639 Oh you just go do a wee wei. 0:03:09.080 --> 0:03:10.600 Yeah, I just said to him, you go we wei. 0:03:10.639 --> 0:03:14.440 It was at the Arias just recently, and I know, 0:03:14.600 --> 0:03:17.320 and I just decided to be like, go Toilee, toy, 0:03:17.480 --> 0:03:20.440 like toy Savann. The cameras weren't meant to be rolling, 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:23.120 and they were. And then I watched the Arias back on, 0:03:23.680 --> 0:03:26.959 you know, on Stan and that whole thing is in conversation. 0:03:27.080 --> 0:03:28.639 He needed to go to the toilet. He just won 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:31.280 an Aria, and so we had him backstage, and you know, 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:33.080 we wanted to make it quick for him because he 0:03:33.120 --> 0:03:34.400 was clearly needing. 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:34.840 To pay past it. 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:38.160 Yeah, and it was actually a bit of an extensive chat, 0:03:38.240 --> 0:03:40.280 and so we try to wrap it up and then 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:42.480 I'm staring at the camera thinking that it goes off, 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:44.600 because you know, like when you're on TV and you 0:03:44.640 --> 0:03:47.320 stare at it for a few seconds and everyone's just 0:03:47.360 --> 0:03:49.720 walking around as if like we have just gone off air. 0:03:49.760 --> 0:03:51.080 And I just turned to him and go, you go 0:03:51.120 --> 0:03:52.600 wee wee and he's like, yeah, I go wheak wee 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:56.440 and walked off. Brigain made it to the broadcast. 0:03:56.640 --> 0:03:59.600 I'm more interested whether you said it satirically, like will 0:03:59.640 --> 0:04:01.800 you try? Was it meant to be a joke or 0:04:01.840 --> 0:04:03.400 is it just something that you would say in a 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:04.320 normal conversation. 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:04.960 Yeah, got a. 0:04:05.040 --> 0:04:07.960 Normal conversation that was like so nurturing of me, But 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:10.880 I did not intend that to make the bra. 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:15.280 Always my fear, like working in radio or TV or whatever, 0:04:15.440 --> 0:04:18.280 when you have an aspect of being live, it's always 0:04:18.320 --> 0:04:20.719 my fear that somehow it's gonna like when you're talking 0:04:20.720 --> 0:04:22.479 in between breaks or whatever, that you're gonna go to 0:04:22.480 --> 0:04:25.080 air like you need to really monitor yourself. 0:04:25.120 --> 0:04:26.800 See the mum vibes in me is just like there's 0:04:26.839 --> 0:04:28.480 nothing wrong with saying we we. I'd be like, do 0:04:28.480 --> 0:04:30.160 you mean to wipe your bum? Do you need? Do 0:04:30.200 --> 0:04:31.000 you mean to wipe your bum? 0:04:31.720 --> 0:04:34.880 To me all the time exactly, But it was just 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:38.039 like such a professional, considered music chat going straight to 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:41.160 that and yeah, I don't know, don't trust anyone, don't 0:04:41.160 --> 0:04:43.799 trust any producers, don't trust cage. No, it would be fine, 0:04:43.800 --> 0:04:46.120 but like you just never know when the cameras are 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:47.440 still on, still rolling. 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:49.599 I mean, we got the press release for your book 0:04:49.640 --> 0:04:52.800 that kind of rolled across our desk, and Keisha literally 0:04:52.800 --> 0:04:54.760 devoured the book at a weekend and was like, you 0:04:54.800 --> 0:04:57.520 need to speak to bridget about this. And you know, 0:04:58.000 --> 0:05:00.520 I kind of think about my like I said, I 0:05:00.520 --> 0:05:02.520 think about my thirties, and I think about how they've 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:05.160 been such pivotal years for me, like so much change 0:05:05.160 --> 0:05:07.279 has happened, but I also think they've been some of 0:05:07.279 --> 0:05:08.719 the best years of my life so far. 0:05:09.279 --> 0:05:11.680 What was it about figuring out. 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:14.320 Thirty or turning thirty that made you want to write 0:05:14.320 --> 0:05:15.040 a book about it? 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:20.159 Well, approaching thirty, I thought I had everything kind of 0:05:20.200 --> 0:05:22.640 downpat So on paper, it looked really good that I 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:27.520 was hosting my own radio show, I was an author, yeah, 0:05:27.600 --> 0:05:29.840 becoming an no, I was an author approaching every yet 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:34.240 that much yeah, already an author, approaching thirty five year relationships. 0:05:34.240 --> 0:05:38.600 So felt like that was pretty concrete, I guess. 0:05:39.560 --> 0:05:40.800 Which is laughable now. 0:05:41.240 --> 0:05:43.560 Yeah, and I'm sure we'll get into that. But so 0:05:43.839 --> 0:05:47.719 these things on paper, you know, financially independent, all looked 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:51.000 really good. But there was still just a very lingering 0:05:51.040 --> 0:05:56.200 sense of unease about approaching thirty. It kind of built 0:05:56.279 --> 0:05:58.320 up over the months, but as I was getting nearer 0:05:58.360 --> 0:06:00.840 and nearer, and then there was just this one night, 0:06:00.960 --> 0:06:03.200 middle of the night and ended up being four days 0:06:03.240 --> 0:06:06.599 before I got dumped. Four days before that even happened, 0:06:06.680 --> 0:06:08.880 I was up at like one am and just put 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:11.560 a notes entry in my phone being like, I don't 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:14.000 know what it is, but like, I'm freaking out about 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:17.000 turning thirty, Like why I have all of these things. 0:06:17.320 --> 0:06:19.600 I mean, I'm not married, and I don't have kids, 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:22.520 and I haven't owned like my own pet yet. I'm 0:06:22.520 --> 0:06:24.560 not sure if those are the things that are freaking 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:27.760 me out or I'm just getting this weird sense of uneasy. 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:30.920 And I don't know if that was a weird anticipation 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:33.839 of I guess what was to come. But it's a 0:06:33.880 --> 0:06:36.640 really interesting thing because I don't think I was thinking 0:06:36.680 --> 0:06:39.560 about it at all until just yeah, those very close 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:43.200 moments leading up to actually turning thirty, and you know, 0:06:43.240 --> 0:06:46.599 being in lockdown was probably an interesting situation with it 0:06:46.640 --> 0:06:48.480 as well, because I was kind of confined to this 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:50.760 apartment that I was living in with my partner at 0:06:50.760 --> 0:06:54.159 the time, and I was feeling restless in that sense. 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:56.320 But then I kind of was looking around me, and 0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:58.880 I guess more so from my friends back home and 0:06:58.960 --> 0:07:01.680 Balorite being in like a regional area, there's people settling 0:07:01.720 --> 0:07:04.680 down and some of my ex's friends were getting married 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:08.120 and stuff, and I just didn't feel like a grown up, 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:10.280 the kind of grown up that I thought I needed 0:07:10.320 --> 0:07:13.720 to become thirty, there was definitely a gap between where 0:07:13.800 --> 0:07:15.960 I was at and where I thought I should be, 0:07:16.200 --> 0:07:18.840 and so that kind of catapulted everything. I mean, the 0:07:18.840 --> 0:07:21.680 breakup was six days before How to Endoor came out, 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:25.040 and it was just freaking chaos. The year of thirty 0:07:25.120 --> 0:07:29.680 was just such a huge transformative year for relationships, fertility, 0:07:30.080 --> 0:07:32.600 even just looking back at family stuff and being like, 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:34.840 why am I the way that I am? It was 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:37.880 a really big personal debrief and also just thinking about 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:41.120 why are women in particular freaking out about this? And 0:07:41.160 --> 0:07:44.440 why do we have the pressures with aging and you know, 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:48.280 the biological clock and this crazy sense of urgency and 0:07:48.440 --> 0:07:50.040 can we please talk about it more. 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:53.440 I definitely think that thirty as an age, it's kind 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:56.200 of like the first time that you become really conscious 0:07:56.240 --> 0:07:58.680 of age, Like I don't mean my twenties, kind of 0:07:58.720 --> 0:08:00.600 just like say o by. I never had a point 0:08:00.600 --> 0:08:02.440 in my twenties where I was like, oh, I need 0:08:02.480 --> 0:08:04.280 to think about these things. But it was the year 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:06.560 I also turned thirty that I was like, fuck, my 0:08:06.640 --> 0:08:08.040 life is not where I thought it was going to be. 0:08:08.080 --> 0:08:12.080 It's because we as a society put that expectation on 0:08:12.160 --> 0:08:15.000 and the fact that we just make thirty the benchmark 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:18.040 because it is a new decade where you are supposed 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:19.960 to have a little bit more responsibility, because everyone gives 0:08:19.960 --> 0:08:21.720 you a bit of leniency in your twenties to be 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:22.560 like a bit. 0:08:22.480 --> 0:08:25.000 Of a mass, a bit of a waker, great. 0:08:24.880 --> 0:08:28.280 With your money, whatever it is, you get a hall pass. 0:08:28.760 --> 0:08:31.440 But in your thirties you don't get as much grace, 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:33.360 I don't think. And also I think it comes from 0:08:33.400 --> 0:08:34.680 I'd love to know what you think as well. But 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:40.400 thirty is crucial for women because we are told statistically 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:44.320 and scientifically biologically that our clock, our biological clock, is 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:47.240 slowing down. So that's just not a number that we've pulled, 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:50.560 you know, from anywhere society pulls numbers out of their 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:52.760 buttthole when it's like you should own a house by thirty. 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:54.959 But it's a little bit different when it comes to fertility, 0:08:54.960 --> 0:08:57.000 because we know there is a clock. Do you reckon 0:08:57.040 --> 0:08:59.200 you have any more insight now since you've done this 0:08:59.240 --> 0:09:02.720 deep drive on your on for you specifically, do you 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:05.160 think that all of this uneasy and anxiety that you 0:09:05.200 --> 0:09:07.360 felt that night, do you think that came more from 0:09:07.440 --> 0:09:11.240 your own internal pressures or from society's pressures. Or do 0:09:11.280 --> 0:09:13.400 you think maybe you felt a little bit unsettled because 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:15.520 you knew maybe something was about to change a few 0:09:15.600 --> 0:09:17.559 days later, as you said, you got broken up. 0:09:17.520 --> 0:09:20.520 With Yeah, kind of all the above. I think, you know, 0:09:20.559 --> 0:09:22.560 when I look back at my twenties, I was twenty 0:09:22.559 --> 0:09:24.920 one when I started to be really career focused and 0:09:24.960 --> 0:09:27.040 really striving to be a music presenter, and I got 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:29.960 my first time, my first full time gig in that 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:32.240 field at the age of twenty seven. So the thought 0:09:32.280 --> 0:09:35.679 of kids was just never in question, nor was marriage. 0:09:35.960 --> 0:09:39.040 I never felt any direct pressure from my parents or anything. 0:09:39.040 --> 0:09:42.360 They've been amazing in that regard, like, I've never once 0:09:42.400 --> 0:09:44.160 felt an ounce of pressure from them that I need 0:09:44.200 --> 0:09:47.440 to marry someone, or settle down or have kids for 0:09:47.480 --> 0:09:51.040 that matter. So I think there was I guess that 0:09:51.160 --> 0:09:55.480 internal comparison. I think again, with lockdowns because we you know, 0:09:55.520 --> 0:09:58.280 I was in Melbourne, so I was very confined and 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:00.959 once you kind of come out of lockdowns too, or 0:10:01.000 --> 0:10:03.080 even when you're in the midst of it. There was 0:10:03.080 --> 0:10:05.760 a really interesting thing that I read called the pandemic SKIP. 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:08.760 So it's kind of like, you know, you don't feel 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:10.760 like a lot of my friends turn thirty in lockdown 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:13.800 and you don't feel like you're that age because you 0:10:13.840 --> 0:10:16.440 haven't been able to go out and experience, you know, 0:10:16.480 --> 0:10:20.280 those last few years or months leading into your thirties. 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:22.400 But now you're kind of at that age where you 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:24.960 initially thought this is when I was going to have kids. 0:10:25.000 --> 0:10:27.320 I mean, my mum had four kids under the age 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:30.000 of four when she was thirty two, and I'm thirty three, 0:10:30.000 --> 0:10:32.480 and I just could not relate to that at all. 0:10:32.520 --> 0:10:35.720 Like that terrifies me when I think about home ownership 0:10:35.760 --> 0:10:38.080 as well. I mean, obviously cost of living is cooked, 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:41.600 so that was never a direct pressure. But I think 0:10:41.640 --> 0:10:45.520 it's like a historical societal pressure because what we've seen 0:10:45.640 --> 0:10:49.520 previous generations do, and I think, being like millennial women, 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:52.240 we've kind of been not the I don't want to 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:55.200 say we're the first, but where a generation where we 0:10:55.280 --> 0:10:58.040 haven't been literally ticking off tick tick tick tick because 0:10:58.120 --> 0:11:00.280 our parents, you know, we're going through that time where 0:11:00.480 --> 0:11:04.280 they could begin women were beginning to be in the workplace, 0:11:04.320 --> 0:11:06.160 But now we are very much in it. 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:09.000 I think it's fascinating to me, though, because this is 0:11:09.080 --> 0:11:11.640 such a universal feeling that so many women in their 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:12.240 thirties have. 0:11:12.600 --> 0:11:14.520 But the thing is, so many. 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:17.040 Of us feel like this collectively, but so many of 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:19.599 us are not in you know, stable relationships or the 0:11:19.640 --> 0:11:22.240 relationship that we thought we would be in by this time. 0:11:22.600 --> 0:11:24.160 A lot of us don't have the jobs of the 0:11:24.200 --> 0:11:26.959 careers that we thought we would have. And I'm not 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:30.200 sure if there is even though a lot more people 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:32.319 are talking about it, I don't know if we find 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:34.920 collective comfort in this, because I still think we compare 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:38.040 ourselves every day. On Ask Guncut, we get questions from 0:11:38.040 --> 0:11:40.640 people who are all different ages, who say, like, my 0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:43.199 life is just not where I expected it to be. 0:11:44.000 --> 0:11:46.920 For you, going through a breakup, a really significant one 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:50.160 just before thirty, how did you grapple with that change 0:11:50.200 --> 0:11:53.600 of identity from going from Okay, this is what I 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:56.320 thought life was going to be, and now I'm here 0:11:56.800 --> 0:11:57.920 and I have to rebuild. 0:11:58.760 --> 0:12:01.360 Yeah, it's an interesting one. Yeah. Again, you realize that 0:12:01.400 --> 0:12:03.720 space of where I was, where I thought I would be, 0:12:04.320 --> 0:12:07.480 and I hadn't fully yet embraced I guess the idea 0:12:07.480 --> 0:12:11.760 that those traditional markers of success didn't necessarily apply to 0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:14.400 me in the way that I expected. I just didn't 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:17.360 know how to sit with that. And I think with 0:12:17.480 --> 0:12:21.520 a breakup as well. I mean that was the first snowball, 0:12:21.559 --> 0:12:23.840 and it was a very significant one at that because, 0:12:24.400 --> 0:12:27.720 you know, despite it was funny, despite having such a 0:12:27.760 --> 0:12:30.480 personality out there, being on Triple J and stuff, I 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:34.679 felt like my identity had really collapsed when that breakup happened, 0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:38.640 and then going straight into book press mode too. Not 0:12:38.679 --> 0:12:40.559 that I didn't have a chance to process it. I 0:12:40.640 --> 0:12:42.280 kind of had a real game. I had no choice 0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:45.440 but to kind of, you know, face it front on 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:47.400 and sign up for therapy, and you know, I really 0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:50.400 made a conscious effort to make sure I was processing 0:12:50.400 --> 0:12:51.959 things in real time. But I also didn't want it 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:53.960 to taint the success of my book and everything. 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:56.800 Did you see it coming the breakup? 0:12:57.320 --> 0:12:59.600 Look, it should have happened four months before it happens. 0:13:00.160 --> 0:13:03.400 So we had a conversation four months beforehand where I 0:13:03.520 --> 0:13:07.320 actually came to him and said that I was feeling unhappy. 0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:09.760 I was actually looking at getting my own rental, and 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:11.480 I think that was a pretty I don't want to 0:13:11.480 --> 0:13:13.000 say a red flag, because it's. 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:14.319 A pretty big red flag for a while, it's a 0:13:14.320 --> 0:13:14.800 pretty five. 0:13:15.040 --> 0:13:17.239 Yeah, I think it's a red flag. 0:13:17.080 --> 0:13:19.320 For the red flag, but like, yeah, it really is. 0:13:20.160 --> 0:13:23.079 Especially when you're already living together. So don't want to 0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:25.360 say that. You know, there are some relationships out there 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:27.080 where they don't live together for a really long time. 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:28.960 But for us to go from living together to me 0:13:29.600 --> 0:13:33.200 now thinking about just having my own space again, and 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:36.160 I was really yearning a sense of independence, and again 0:13:36.360 --> 0:13:40.360 lockdown probably amplified that, but I also was thinking, but 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:42.960 I was suppressing it so much because I was approaching 0:13:43.000 --> 0:13:45.120 thirty that I was like, no, this is the one, 0:13:45.200 --> 0:13:48.120 this is the relationship, This is the serious relationship after 0:13:48.160 --> 0:13:52.320 my last youthful, reckless relationship, and we're approaching five years. 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:54.959 I think what we really struggle with at this point 0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:58.559 in our lives, as we enter our thirties and throughout 0:13:58.559 --> 0:14:01.200 our thirties even our forties for women, is the fear 0:14:01.240 --> 0:14:04.960 of starting over. People we hear so much about fomo 0:14:05.160 --> 0:14:08.120 and being left behind, and there's a very unique tension 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:11.599 between those. But it's something about the fear of starting 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:15.400 over that really terrifies women, and for good reason. I mean, 0:14:15.440 --> 0:14:17.880 if you look at pop culture what we grew up 0:14:17.880 --> 0:14:21.880 watching and how thirty was embodied. Bridget Jones, Rachel Green 0:14:22.120 --> 0:14:24.200 calculating the timeline in Friends. 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:25.880 That's Friends Laura. Laura doesn't watch Friends, so I'll just 0:14:25.880 --> 0:14:26.400 break that down. 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:29.680 Oh okay, well that's a good episode to start on. Yeah, 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:31.200 to be fair, I only started watching it in the 0:14:31.240 --> 0:14:32.320 last like eighteen months. 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:33.280 Blasphemy both of you. 0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:36.320 I think as well, this idea of starting again, it 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:38.840 is such a recurrent question that we get through our 0:14:38.880 --> 0:14:41.960 ask gun cuts from our listeners. The fear of starting 0:14:42.000 --> 0:14:44.600 again also comes from this fear of well, what if 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:46.760 I don't get something that's better than this, Like what 0:14:46.800 --> 0:14:49.720 if this is as good as I either a deserve 0:14:50.000 --> 0:14:52.720 or b I can get, Especially when you find people 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:56.840 who have found themselves in relationships that maybe aren't fulfilling, 0:14:57.280 --> 0:14:58.360 but they're a nice person. 0:14:58.440 --> 0:14:59.840 They're not in a toxic. 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:03.160 Relationship, they're just dating essentially someone that they've maybe outgrown. 0:15:03.400 --> 0:15:05.760 I think also tied into it. As another layer is 0:15:05.800 --> 0:15:08.520 the sunk cost fallacy of well, I'm thirty and I've 0:15:08.520 --> 0:15:12.040 already I've already contributed five six seven years of my 0:15:12.160 --> 0:15:14.280 life to this person, Like I don't want to quote 0:15:14.360 --> 0:15:17.040 unquote waste that time, Like what a waste that would 0:15:17.040 --> 0:15:18.920 be to start again now. So I think it's like 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:20.040 aspects of all three. 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:21.760 What did starting again look like for you? 0:15:22.880 --> 0:15:25.920 Well, I mean, so we were three weeks into a 0:15:25.960 --> 0:15:29.120 new rental lease. We just moved into a new townhouse, 0:15:29.480 --> 0:15:31.320 so we were on like a month to month kind 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:34.040 of thing, but we signed on this new twelve month lease. 0:15:34.120 --> 0:15:36.120 Kept checking in with him throughout that whole process, being 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:37.920 like you sure you want to do this? Things were 0:15:38.000 --> 0:15:40.280 kind of tense, I guess stress with that move. Also 0:15:40.360 --> 0:15:42.960 in the lead up to the book. It's funny looking back, 0:15:43.000 --> 0:15:45.480 you know, because we were literally sleeping back to back 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:49.200 in bed. There was no affection, so much distance, and 0:15:49.320 --> 0:15:51.440 I just, I guess was also so caught up in 0:15:51.480 --> 0:15:54.280 my book stuff that I didn't kind of clock it 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:57.160 at the time. So, you know, Dolly Olderton has used 0:15:57.200 --> 0:15:59.880 a really great kind of analogy of sorts about this. 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:02.680 She said in her Life Lessons, like if you had 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:05.120 a big red button in front of you and if 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:07.480 you could press it, and you know, you get through 0:16:07.480 --> 0:16:10.320 a breakup and all the practical things were no fuss, 0:16:10.320 --> 0:16:12.720 like it was fine, don't even think about those things. 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:15.120 They would be taken care of if you could press 0:16:15.120 --> 0:16:16.960 a button that allows you to do it. Would you 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:19.760 break up with this person? And if you're going if 0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:22.000 you're saying yes, and it's like, well you got to 0:16:22.000 --> 0:16:25.040 break up with them, because it's the practical aspect, and yes, 0:16:25.120 --> 0:16:27.240 that whole starting over for me, it was you know, 0:16:27.280 --> 0:16:29.600 having to find a new apartment to live in because 0:16:29.600 --> 0:16:30.920 there was like no way I was going to stay 0:16:30.920 --> 0:16:32.960 in this freaking townhouse that we just broke up, and 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:37.000 you know, those logistical things. It's also the unraveling of routines, 0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:40.040 of relationships that you have with their family and friends, 0:16:40.600 --> 0:16:44.000 the dividing of belongings. I mean, fortunately in our case 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:46.360 at least, like it could have been way more stressful 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:48.400 in the sense that we didn't have a pet, we 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:50.400 didn't have kids, we didn't have a mortgage, we didn't 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:55.160 have joint bank accounts. So in comparison to other situations, 0:16:55.240 --> 0:16:57.720 like you know, it wasn't all bad, but it was 0:16:57.760 --> 0:17:00.920 still fucking stressful, but we got there. Took time, but 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:02.000 it was not fun. 0:17:02.680 --> 0:17:05.280 Bridget you wrote in your book, the older you get, 0:17:05.320 --> 0:17:08.480 the higher the stakes are. Can you talk a little 0:17:08.480 --> 0:17:10.439 bit about what you mean by that in terms of 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:11.800 relationships specifically? 0:17:12.440 --> 0:17:14.920 Yeah, well, I think it goes back to that whole 0:17:14.960 --> 0:17:17.440 fear of starting over and when you are in your thirties, 0:17:17.440 --> 0:17:19.520 and even if you're in your forties as well. The 0:17:19.800 --> 0:17:22.640 older you get, and you know, when I think back 0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:24.960 to my first breakup, right, so I just had to 0:17:25.000 --> 0:17:27.600 pack my toothbrush and get going. That was it. You know, 0:17:27.680 --> 0:17:30.520 there really wasn't much to it. A couple of drunken 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:33.640 follow up pook ups in the months you know that 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:37.440 came and that was stupid, but there was no big 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:40.960 you know, it wasn't a big breakup. This was a 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:45.000 big breakup because there was five years of emotional investment. 0:17:45.000 --> 0:17:47.960 I think the emotional investment side of things is very 0:17:48.520 --> 0:17:51.680 underestimated at this period in our lives, because, as you 0:17:51.760 --> 0:17:55.480 guys said before, when you're kind of thinking about I've 0:17:55.600 --> 0:17:58.000 put so many years into this relationship and I don't 0:17:58.000 --> 0:18:00.320 want it to be a waste or I've put all 0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:02.960