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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: wants answers now.

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Speaker 1: Plenty of research over the last couple of decades has

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Speaker 1: highlighted that when we give children the opportunity to develop gratitude,

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Speaker 1: they do better in life.

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Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, My mom

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Speaker 2: and dad.

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Speaker 1: Good abe. This is Justin and Kylie Colson. We have

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Speaker 1: the parents of six daughters. Our youngest is in grade one,

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Speaker 1: our eldest has moved out and married. We have three

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Speaker 1: teenage girls. Right now, we're too sort of come no wonder,

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Speaker 1: we're tired.

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Speaker 3: I don't have anything to say to that, you're too

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Speaker 3: tired to.

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Speaker 1: Thinking about it. And I'm the founder of Happy Families

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Speaker 1: dot com. Dot You've written a bunch of books about

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Speaker 1: how to make your family happier. Today, we wanted to

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Speaker 1: do something really nice to follow on from our conversation

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Speaker 1: on Tuesday about a three year old that wants to

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Speaker 1: go to bed late because she spat the dummy. Time

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Speaker 1: to give up the dummy. But this time we're not

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Speaker 1: going to talk about dummies. We're going to talk about

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Speaker 1: how to create that really high quality nighttime nurture. The

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Speaker 1: kind of conversations, the kind of closeness that we want

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Speaker 1: our children to experience when it's bedtime, and we're going

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Speaker 1: to go through five questions that you can ask your

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Speaker 1: kids to have really nice conversations at bedtime because parents

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Speaker 1: always say to me, can I get the kids to

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Speaker 1: go to talk to me? Like the kids are just

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Speaker 1: we ask them a question, don't answer, have a school fine,

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Speaker 1: they don't say anything. But most parents will agree that

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Speaker 1: bedtime is the time to have high quality conversations.

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Speaker 2: We actually talked about this in book club last term.

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Speaker 1: And so for those of you who are not familiar,

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Speaker 1: sorry to cut your off, Honeymoon, but book Club for

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Speaker 1: all of our happy families. I did on the podcast,

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Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Is that okay with you?

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Speaker 3: That's fine with me?

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Speaker 1: Okay, all right.

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Speaker 2: I'm still that there is a whole heap of people

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Speaker 2: out there that are rolling eyes though, I just it's

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Speaker 2: in there.

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Speaker 1: We're not taking it out now. So like I said, Honeybun,

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Speaker 1: the book Club, I cut you off, and then you

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Speaker 1: cut me off, and now I'm completely lost. The book

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Speaker 1: club thing that we do is part of the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families membership. Whether you're a.

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Speaker 3: Bok Club thing. I can't believe you just said that.

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Speaker 1: The book club thing that we do every term, our

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Speaker 1: Happy Families members go through one of our books, one

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Speaker 1: of the books that I've written about making Me Family Happy.

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Speaker 1: You run book club for us and if you're a

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Speaker 1: Happy Famili's member, four consecutive weeks during term we go

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Speaker 1: through one of the books. And last term we went

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Speaker 1: through the book Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know, and.

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Speaker 2: Chapter nine we talked about feeling joy and one of

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Speaker 2: the things that we discussed was bedtime routines because for

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Speaker 2: a lot of parents, that's not a place where we

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Speaker 2: would typically suggest that we feel joy.

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Speaker 1: In a lot of houses at nighttime, things are kind

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Speaker 1: of chaotic and crazy, and what we really want to

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Speaker 1: do is create high quality nighttime nurture experiences so that

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Speaker 1: we can feel the just the awesomeness of what it

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Speaker 1: is to be a parent instead of the exhaustion of

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Speaker 1: what it is to be a parent.

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Speaker 2: And I have to admit, I definitely know the feeling

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Speaker 2: of stressful nighttime routines. We have had our fair share of.

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Speaker 1: Those last night, just saying, but.

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Speaker 2: Generally speaking, nighttime routine, it's literally one of my most

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Speaker 2: favorite times with the kids, we're all a little bit sleepy,

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Speaker 2: where you starting to wind down, and just that opportunity

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Speaker 2: to connect and have those extra snuggles and read a

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Speaker 2: bedtime story, which, like we talked about a few weeks ago,

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Speaker 2: has completely changed for me and Emily.

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Speaker 3: I'm not reading those.

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Speaker 2: Soft, warm, fuzzy feeling books anymore, bring.

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Speaker 1: Science textbooks to our seven years.

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Speaker 3: But I just love that time.

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Speaker 2: There's just a softness that kind of comes over our

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Speaker 2: children as they're going to bed most of the time.

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Speaker 1: So five questions to ask your kids at bedtime so

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Speaker 1: that you can have those conversations that bring you closer together.

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Speaker 2: So we actually have our first conversation at the dinner table,

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Speaker 2: we do. That's where it starts.

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Speaker 1: And usually not every night, but usually we'll say what'll

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Speaker 1: be grateful for today? It's that simple. And the beautiful

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Speaker 1: thing about a question like that is that it well,

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Speaker 1: it teaches kids gratitude, but it also helps to create

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Speaker 1: a sense of reflection, a sense of the world is good,

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Speaker 1: good things happen, and I can expect that if good

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Speaker 1: things happened today, that tomorrow more good things will happen,

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Speaker 1: more things that I can be grateful for.

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Speaker 2: We had one of the cousins sleepover during the holidays,

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Speaker 2: and when we asked the question, she said, I don't

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Speaker 2: know what I'm grateful for.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, seven years old And she's like, I don't know.

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Speaker 2: And I said to her, do you remember when you

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Speaker 2: said thank you today? And she looked at me and

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Speaker 2: she said, she said, I thank mummy because she let

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Speaker 2: me stay with you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I said, oh, that's gratitude.

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Speaker 2: Maybe that's what you're grateful for today, that you get

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Speaker 2: to spend time with your cousins. And she was like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's it's just changing the words to help us help

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Speaker 2: the children understand what it actually means to be grateful.

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Speaker 1: Plenty of research over the last couple of decades is

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Speaker 1: highlighted that when we give children the opportunity to develop gratitude,

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Speaker 1: they do better in life. It's good for their relationships,

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Speaker 1: it's good for their well being. It's surprisingly remarkably, it's

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Speaker 1: even correlated. As gratitude goes up, so to do things

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Speaker 1: like self regulation and exercise and school grades. Satisfaction with

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Speaker 1: life gratitude is a powerful way to inoculate kids against depression.

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Speaker 1: You'll note that if you're ever talking to somebody who's

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Speaker 1: genuinely depressed, and you say, well, is this something in

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Speaker 1: your life that you're grateful for? They will say no

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Speaker 1: because they can't find that thing to be grateful for.

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Speaker 1: So really important question, and it's also beautiful to hear

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Speaker 1: the things that they are grateful for, to hear the

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Speaker 1: little conversations.

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Speaker 2: Well, one of the things I love about around the

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Speaker 2: dinner table is if you've had a hard day and

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Speaker 2: it's hard to find something to be grateful for, listening

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Speaker 2: to what other people are grateful for kind of triggers

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Speaker 2: your understanding, a memory of things that may have happened

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Speaker 2: that you could be grateful for, but because you're in

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Speaker 2: a funk, it's hard to see them in that moment.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, what's the second question?

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Speaker 3: What are you looking forward to?

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Speaker 1: Okay, so this follows directly on from what are you

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Speaker 1: grateful for? And the reason this one's an important one is,

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Speaker 1: just like gratitude helps to inoculate against depression, looking forward

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Speaker 1: to something, being optimistic about the future, having hope that

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Speaker 1: tomorrow is going to be a good day is a

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Speaker 1: wonderful way to inoculate kids against anxiety if you're looking

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Speaker 1: forward to something, So anxiety is feeling fearful or apprehensive

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Speaker 1: or worried about what's coming in the future. And if

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Speaker 1: you can talk to your kids about what they're looking

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Speaker 1: forward to tomorrow, that means that any fear or apprehension

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Speaker 1: or worry can be diminished because there are things to

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Speaker 1: look forward to.

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Speaker 3: Now.

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Speaker 1: It may be that tomorrow they're going to the dentist

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Speaker 1: and having four feelings and they're not looking forward to

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Speaker 1: that at all. But if there is something that they're

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Speaker 1: looking forward to, then that may be what it takes

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Speaker 1: to help get them through the thing that they're nervous about.

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Speaker 2: Well. I think too often what we've found is that

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Speaker 2: our kids actually may be excited about something, but there's

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Speaker 2: an anxiety associated with the thing that they're looking.

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Speaker 3: Forward to you as well.

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Speaker 1: Nervous anticipation, yeah, And so.

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Speaker 2: Being able to have those conversation is really helpful as

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Speaker 2: well to help them recognize that you can feel too

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Speaker 2: completely opposite emotions in the same space and work through them.

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Speaker 1: Up next, the final three questions to ask every night

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Speaker 1: with your kids to help make family life a joy

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Speaker 1: in the evenings. It's their Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because

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Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen.

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Speaker 1: Details at happy families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, And today we're

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Speaker 2: talking about bedtime conversations.

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Speaker 3: Five questions that we can ask our children before they

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Speaker 3: go to bed.

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Speaker 1: First one, what are you grateful for? Second one, what

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Speaker 1: are you looking forward to? What's the third one?

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Speaker 2: This one's a great one because it's so open ended.

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Speaker 2: But is there anything you want to talk to me about?

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Speaker 1: Hi?

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Speaker 2: Are you worried about anything? Is there anything that you

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Speaker 2: just want to share with me?

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Speaker 1: It's amazing what happens. You asked that question when the

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Speaker 1: kids get in the car after school or when they

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Speaker 1: walk in the door, and they kind of go, huh,

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Speaker 1: what a bizarre question to ask. No, of course there's not.

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Speaker 1: But once they're lying flat on their back, it's just

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Speaker 1: beautiful what comes out of their mouths. If you can

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Speaker 1: be patient, just lay there with them.

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Speaker 2: We don't have this kind of routine with our older

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Speaker 2: kids anymore. But even last night we got to a knock

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Speaker 2: on the door.

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Speaker 3: Lights were out, we were we were ready to just

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Speaker 3: you know.

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Speaker 1: The lights were literally out at what time? Was it

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Speaker 1: like five to nine? Because I get up at four

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Speaker 1: thirty for a bike ride, right, so I'm exhausted at

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Speaker 1: nine o'clock.

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Speaker 2: And i'd locked the door, so nobody came in and

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Speaker 2: we had a knock on the door, and we're like, yes,

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Speaker 2: what do you want? And she said, I just want

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Speaker 2: to come in. We're like, we're going to bed, and

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Speaker 2: she says, but I want to talk to you.

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Speaker 1: So you got up. So I got up, opened the door.

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Speaker 3: Unlocked the door. She came in.

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Speaker 1: Did she talk to us? She did, and I fall asleep.

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Speaker 1: I think I might have I do for the knock

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Speaker 1: on the door. I have no recollection of the conversation.

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Speaker 3: Poor kid.

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Speaker 2: Honestly, if it's not me falling asleep in interviews, it's

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Speaker 2: you're falling asleep when they're actually trying to connect.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe that I just said that on the podcast. Gosh,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I'm not perfect. I've never made any

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Speaker 1: claims to parenting perfection. I love talking to the kids,

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Speaker 1: but you try to talk to me at nine o'clock

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Speaker 1: at night, it's curtains, forget it. The matchsticks can't hold

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Speaker 1: up the what do you call these things in your

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Speaker 1: eyes your eyelids. Yeah, the eyelids are closing no matter what.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe I forgot what that was called as well.

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling so embarrassed. Now. Did she have a good

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Speaker 1: conversation with us with me?

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Speaker 3: Yes, she did, she did. But I just love it.

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Speaker 2: And there is something wonderful about nighttime and just this

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Speaker 2: sense of being able to open up.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, one of our favorite things to do. We've got

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Speaker 1: a new brazier because the last one died, and we

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Speaker 1: just throw a couple of bits of wood in there

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Speaker 1: and light it up and sit around there and have

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Speaker 1: a couple of marshmallows or a hot chocolate and the kids.

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Speaker 1: The kids get real talking, don't they. They really to chat.

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Speaker 2: The last two aren't really questions, but they're conversations that

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Speaker 2: are wonderful ways to end your day.

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Speaker 1: Sure.

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Speaker 2: The first one is if there's been anything in the

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Speaker 2: day that hasn't gone so well, an apology, you know,

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Speaker 2: acknowledging we got it wrong today and I'm really sorry

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Speaker 2: for the part that I played in it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, one of my favorite things is to apologize to

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Speaker 1: my kids. I know that that sounds really weird, but

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Speaker 1: I just love it. I love being able to sit

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Speaker 1: with the kids and say I'm flawed, I'm full of mistakes.

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Speaker 1: I fell asleep on your last night when you were

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Speaker 1: trying to talk to me, when you intrude it into

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Speaker 1: my bedroom at nine o'clock. I'm really sorry about that.

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Speaker 1: Would you like to talk to me? There's just something

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Speaker 1: that draws you closer when you have the opportunity to

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Speaker 1: repair through asking forgiveness and apologizing. Not that I'm suggesting

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Speaker 1: that parents should be doing that never endingly, Like we

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Speaker 1: don't want to be relentlessly repenting of our relationship ruptures,

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Speaker 1: but when there has been one, we need to and

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Speaker 1: the nighttime seems to be a really nice time to

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Speaker 1: do it, so that the next morning everyone wakes up

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Speaker 1: and they feel close.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. I love that.

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Speaker 2: I just I think there's something beautiful about it. And

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Speaker 2: the last one is just those endearing acknowledgments of love.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, those three magic words, I love you, gosh, thanks, honey.

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Speaker 1: You know I say this all the time that they

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Speaker 1: are the three second most important words that our kids

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Speaker 1: need to hear.

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Speaker 3: The last who are No matter what.

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Speaker 1: That's three words. You know. There's four kinds of people

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Speaker 1: in the world, those who can count and those who can't. Ah, really,

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Speaker 1: I love you no matter what, even if you can't

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Speaker 1: do maths, I'm still crazy about you. And kids just

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Speaker 1: love hearing that. In fact, the soppier and the cheesy

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Speaker 1: you can be, especially when they're young, the better.

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Speaker 2: My favorite, all time favorite bedtime story is Guess how

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Speaker 2: much I Love you?

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Speaker 1: Sam Bradney.

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Speaker 3: The kids just.

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Speaker 2: Love trying to come up with a bigger concept of love.

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Speaker 1: I love you infinity, I love you to the moon.

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Speaker 3: I like you difinity plus infinity.

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Speaker 1: That's right, infinity time, infinity. Brilliant stuff. So we hope

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Speaker 1: that those five conversations are helpful for creating some nighttime

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Speaker 1: nurture in your home tonight. The quick recap, What are

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Speaker 1: you grateful for? What are you looking forward to?

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Speaker 2: Is there anything you want to talk to me about.

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Speaker 2: I'm sorry and I love you, and don't forget there

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Speaker 2: has to be an abundance of snuggles.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, We really hope you enjoyed the podcasts today.

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Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. Oh, by the way, it's

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Speaker 1: been a wile since I've mentioned this, but we just

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Speaker 1: love getting your reviews on Apple Podcasts. Five star reviews

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Speaker 1: and ratings make all the difference in terms of helping

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Speaker 1: us to know that you're loving the podcast, but also

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Speaker 1: getting the podcast out to other people.

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Speaker 3: We got the best one the other day.

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Speaker 1: Fill me in. I must have missed it.

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Speaker 2: I love this podcast. I find myself giggling out loud

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Speaker 2: many times. It feels like I'm having a coffee with

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Speaker 2: friends and a good laugh over parenting fails.

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Speaker 1: Oh, every time we get it wrong, everyone feels better.

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Speaker 3: I love I learned so much from this podcast. Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's great? Who is from? That was from? I

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Speaker 1: can't read it from here?

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Speaker 2: R Lee?

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Speaker 1: Well, thank you Kiara Lee. So again, those podcasts, ratings

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Speaker 1: and reviews help people to find the podcast to make

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Speaker 1: their family happier. We really appreciate it when you do that.

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Speaker 1: The podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media

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Speaker 1: and Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd like

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Speaker 1: more information about how to make your family happier and

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Speaker 1: you don't think the podcast is enough, you can find

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Speaker 1: everything you need at happy families dot com dot a