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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, a good

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Speaker 1: cuddle goes a long way, It really does emotions. And

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Speaker 1: now here's the stars of our show.

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Speaker 2: My mum and Dadhi, we're Justin and Kylie Coulson. We're parents,

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Speaker 2: have six daughters, and I'm the author of a bunch

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Speaker 2: of books about how you can make your family happier.

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Speaker 2: And today we're talking about you know, those times when

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Speaker 2: the kids are just OTT. If you're in Sydney at

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Speaker 2: the moment and dealing with ongoing lockdown, it might be

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Speaker 2: maybe they're not actually ott OTT over the top? Did

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Speaker 2: you not know that?

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Speaker 1: No, I don't know any of those abbreviated things.

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Speaker 2: OTT is over the top. And sometimes I.

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Speaker 1: Don't understand anything the kids are saying these days.

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Speaker 2: It happens when we get older, doesn't it. We just

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Speaker 2: and we kind of stop caring about it as well.

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Speaker 2: The other day, Kia Pendergast, who has this wonderful Facebook

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Speaker 2: page called safe on Social she updated her page with

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Speaker 2: a list of all of the different abbreviations and things

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Speaker 2: that kids are using on social media these days, so

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Speaker 2: the parents don't know what they're talking about. And I

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Speaker 2: started to read through it because I thought, well, this

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Speaker 2: is important, and after about four or five of them,

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Speaker 2: I thought, I just don't care.

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Speaker 1: I only found out the other day what bt.

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Speaker 3: W stood for, by the way, Yes, really, I just

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Speaker 3: I just don't where have you been abbreviations?

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Speaker 1: I just say, how it is.

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Speaker 2: TTFN?

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Speaker 1: What does that mean?

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Speaker 2: T tigger? I said, tatafa, now tiger on. We digress.

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Speaker 2: So every now and again kids get a bit over

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Speaker 2: the top, and we decided today that we would share

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Speaker 2: some ideas about how to help your children to learn

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Speaker 2: to regulate their emotions and get back into control when

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Speaker 2: they're out of control. But I thought it was probably

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Speaker 2: worth just highlighting Kylie that sometimes you and sometimes I

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Speaker 2: quite like being out of control, Like it's fun to

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Speaker 2: be a bit ott now and then right.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you've got this.

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Speaker 2: Kyla's looking at me, her head is down, she's looking

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Speaker 2: at me through the top of her eyes with this

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Speaker 2: cheeky look. You look like one of our kids at

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Speaker 2: the moment who's about to get into trouble. Like it's

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Speaker 2: just fun to sometimes be over the top. And as

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Speaker 2: parents we kind of start to be the fun police.

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Speaker 2: Now and then when the children have got high levels

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Speaker 2: of energy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we do that sometimes.

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Speaker 2: But again, sometimes the kids are ott not because they've

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Speaker 2: got high positive energy, but because they've got high negative energy.

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Speaker 2: They're really angry, they're really upset, they're just non compliant.

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Speaker 1: Well, I think if you kind of put that into context,

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Speaker 1: as adults, there are times where we have all of

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Speaker 1: those emotions as well, and not that it feels fun,

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Speaker 1: but there's a payoff to being able to feel that

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Speaker 1: emotion and express it in all its glory.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I've spoken to more than one person who have

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Speaker 2: said that they actually feel really good when they're angry.

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Speaker 1: I get a lot of cleaning done one on it.

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Speaker 2: Well, I guess there's their productivity benefits of anger as well.

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Speaker 2: But talking about being angry, and some people really they

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Speaker 2: find it rewarding, they get what they want, and it

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Speaker 2: feels good to tell people how they feel. But it's

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Speaker 2: not necessarily not good for relationships, not good for harmony

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Speaker 2: in the home. So we wanted to share with you

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Speaker 2: some ideas to help the children to regulate their emotions,

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Speaker 2: to resettle and rebalance, and we think that these ideas

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Speaker 2: are going to be pretty good for kids from about

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Speaker 2: the age of three or four up. If you've got

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Speaker 2: one two three year olds, sometimes just a good cuddle

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Speaker 2: and a bit of redirection is all you can go with.

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Speaker 2: But for the most part, these ideas will be useful

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Speaker 2: for every parent in every situation. So you've got three,

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Speaker 2: I've got four. So I'm going to go first and

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Speaker 2: then we'll trade off from there. Okay, So my first

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Speaker 2: one is I like to talk to the kids. You

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Speaker 2: know when you get a snow globe and you shake

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Speaker 2: it up and all of the snow wizzards of around

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Speaker 2: everywhere and you can't see things clearly. I like to

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Speaker 2: talk to the kids, and I've done this with a

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Speaker 2: couple of our kids a few times. I get the

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Speaker 2: snow globe and I shake it up. I say, this

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Speaker 2: is what your brain is right now. Your brain is

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Speaker 2: like crazy with all this snow buzzing around inside it,

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Speaker 2: and we need to let it settle down so that

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Speaker 2: we can see things clearly.

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Speaker 1: That's good.

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Speaker 2: Do you like that?

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Speaker 1: That's good?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because our brains do that, and that metaphor, I

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Speaker 2: think it's a really neat way to overlay the emotional

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Speaker 2: stuff that's happening for our children. And the physical way

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Speaker 2: that the snow globe works. And what we do when

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Speaker 2: we get to have that conversation is help that. In fact,

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Speaker 2: I should have done that this morning with our seven

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Speaker 2: year old who was not having a good morning at all,

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Speaker 2: and I didn't, and that might have been helpful, I think, yes.

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Speaker 2: So what we do, though, is we teach the children

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Speaker 2: these calming skills. They get to identify what's going on

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Speaker 2: inside their head, and then we get to talk to

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Speaker 2: them about what they can do to help all of

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Speaker 2: the snow to settle inside their brain, like it's got

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Speaker 2: to settle inside the snow globe.

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Speaker 1: So it's not something that you do with the little kids,

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Speaker 1: but as your kids get a little bit older. One

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Speaker 1: of the things that I've implemented to help settle all

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Speaker 1: those emotions is right in my journal. Because writing in

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Speaker 1: my journal, like I just put everything out there, and

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Speaker 1: then as I do that, clarity starts to come into

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Speaker 1: the picture. I get to see what I'm feeling and

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Speaker 1: why I'm feeling, and sometimes there's mixed emotions. But once

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Speaker 1: it's all on the paper and I've kind of got

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Speaker 1: distance from it, it's not all in my head, I

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Speaker 1: can make more sense of what's going on.

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Speaker 2: So there's a handful of psychological studies that show that

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Speaker 2: writing and reflecting is an incredibly powerful way to make

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Speaker 2: sense of emotions, to regulate emotions, and to move forward

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Speaker 2: productively from them. So that's a really nice add on,

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Speaker 2: and in fact, I'm going to add onto that one

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Speaker 2: as well and say that when the kids are younger.

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Speaker 2: I remember, we haven't done this with our little ones,

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Speaker 2: but we used to with our older ones when they

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Speaker 2: were little. Get the kids to draw their emotions. You

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Speaker 2: knew I was going to go.

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Speaker 1: There, yep, because I remember when our eldest decided to

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Speaker 1: draw a picture on the school car, but because she

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Speaker 1: was really angry, they didn't go down so well.

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Speaker 2: With this score. Then we needed to tell the teacher

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Speaker 2: to draw her emotions as well. Okay, so what's your

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Speaker 2: second one?

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Speaker 1: With young kids in particular, but it works with their

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Speaker 1: all ages because you still do this with me. A

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Speaker 1: good cuttle goes a long way. It really does coming emotions.

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Speaker 2: And that means that we've got to make sure that

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Speaker 2: we don't catch the chaos crank you're crazy of our children.

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Speaker 2: We've got to come to them with calm and give

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Speaker 2: them that reassurance, give them a big hug and sort

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Speaker 2: of envelope them in that warmth.

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Speaker 1: It can be really tricky to do that when emotions

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Speaker 1: are big and we just see that the big emotion

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Speaker 1: is an inconvenience to what's going on. Yeah, but it

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Speaker 1: makes such a difference if we can just remain calm

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Speaker 1: and give the extra love that this person who is

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Speaker 1: experiencing big emotions needs.

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Speaker 2: I love that. So we've got a couple more going

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Speaker 2: to share them with you after break. It's the Happy

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Speaker 2: Families podcast.

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Speaker 4: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, teens and Screens

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Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.

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Speaker 4: Bye today at happy families dot com, dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're

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Speaker 1: talking a little bit about how we might reset emotions

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Speaker 1: when things go over the top.

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Speaker 2: And we've already come up with a couple of bonuses

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Speaker 2: that we didn't mean to, so I've lost track of

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Speaker 2: whose turn it is to go with one.

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Speaker 1: Well, at the beginning of the podcast, we were talking

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Speaker 1: about abbreviations yep, and how I didn't really know many

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Speaker 1: of them.

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Speaker 2: Yeah btw.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, I remembered a story that I heard by

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Speaker 1: somebody who said that their grandma sent a text message

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Speaker 1: after their grandfather passed away that.

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Speaker 2: Said, lol, yeah grant granddad just died. Lol.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And she didn't realize that lol meant laugh out loud.

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Speaker 1: She thought it meant.

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Speaker 2: Lots of lun That's so sad, isn't it.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, I digress. We were talking about how we

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Speaker 1: might reset emotions in the house, and laughing out loud

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Speaker 1: would be a good one.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think so. I reckon one of my favorites.

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Speaker 2: I know that you're going to say this one, but

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Speaker 2: I can't help it because it's just it's one of

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Speaker 2: my favorites, is doing that whole five four three to

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Speaker 2: one thing that getting except don't do it to me

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Speaker 2: getting into the moment.

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Speaker 1: You get in big trouble when you do it for me.

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Speaker 2: Have we ever done that together and you've been happy

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Speaker 2: about it? No? No, because I know exactly what you're doing.

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Speaker 2: But it works so well with the kids, and it works.

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Speaker 2: Really I do it to myself when I'm starting to

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Speaker 2: get really revved up and I need to resettle and regulate.

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Speaker 2: I'd say, what are five things I can see? What

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Speaker 2: are four things I can tell you?

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Speaker 1: Are you supposed to taste? Honestly, what are you supposed

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Speaker 1: to taste? What I ate for lunch?

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Speaker 2: So for those who are for those who haven't heard this,

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Speaker 2: five things that I can feel for sorry, five things

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Speaker 2: I can see, four things that I can feel, three

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Speaker 2: things that I can hear, two things that I can

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Speaker 2: smell on one thing that I can taste my saliva.

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Speaker 2: So that's that's really disgusting.

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Speaker 1: Okay, am I supposed to go get a chocolate?

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Speaker 2: Maybe maybe that'll make you.

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Speaker 1: Feel better it Yes, that's the answer.

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Speaker 2: To the recurring theme in our podcast is your desire

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Speaker 2: and craving for chocolate. So if we want to help

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Speaker 2: our kids regulate their emotions, that's one of my favorite ones.

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Speaker 2: And every now and again the kids will actually come

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Speaker 2: to me and say, Dad, can we do our five

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Speaker 2: four three two one? Because I'm feeling cranky? And I

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Speaker 2: love it when they do that. Like job done.

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Speaker 1: It combines all of them together. Because there's a bit

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Speaker 1: of a distraction, it's time to reset together and you

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Speaker 1: have cuddle time as you do it. So you've got

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Speaker 1: that connection, that physical touch. It's just brilliant. Well you've

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Speaker 1: taken all of mine, I've got none left.

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Speaker 2: Or you just mentioned distraction, We haven't really talked about that.

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Speaker 2: I just kind of briefly mentioned at the start for

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Speaker 2: little kids. But I don't think that we should overlooked

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Speaker 2: just how valuable distraction is if the kids are not regulating, well,

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Speaker 2: especially if they're young, but even if they're a bit bigger.

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Speaker 2: It's amazing what you can do with distraction. I mean, hello, chocolate, chocolate,

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Speaker 2: it's a distraction, comfort eating the best distraction. We don't

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Speaker 2: we need we need a new sponsor for the podcast.

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Speaker 2: Hello Lint, just letting you know, chocolates here one of

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Speaker 2: the what's that is that the Three Brothers Chocolate company

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Speaker 2: or something like that. I'm sure that there's a chocolate

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Speaker 2: company out there that'll sponsor you, Kylie. I'm sure that

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Speaker 2: there's someone and it will.

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Speaker 1: So I know we're having a little bit of a

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Speaker 1: quick about chocolate. And yes, it is a really good

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Speaker 1: distraction for me as opposed to five four three two one.

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Speaker 1: But let's get serious for a second. You know, it's

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Speaker 1: easy to distract little kids. They're very very easy, well

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Speaker 1: sometimes to distract, But as they get older and even

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Speaker 1: into adulthood, what would be a good distraction if somebody

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Speaker 1: is having a meltdown?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because sometimes our children and even we as adults,

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Speaker 2: really like to We get quite prideful about our anger.

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Speaker 2: We really want to hold it and own it and say, no,

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Speaker 2: you can't take this away from me right now, I'm

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Speaker 2: feeling this and I need to feel it, and.

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Speaker 1: Let's be real, sometimes we actually do need to work

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Speaker 1: through that process.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, every now and again, it would be

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Speaker 2: completely inappropriate to try to distract somebody from their anger.

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Speaker 2: Mind you, if their emotions are really really high, I

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Speaker 2: think that there are always useful things that we can

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Speaker 2: do to bring that down. So I don't know that

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Speaker 2: distraction is always going to be the best thing to do,

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Speaker 2: but I know that there have been times where we've

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Speaker 2: had crank kids and I said, Hey, let's go jump

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Speaker 2: on the trampoline, or let's go for a swim, or

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Speaker 2: let's go for a walk, let's take the dog, let's

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Speaker 2: go to the park, kick a ball, throw a frisbee,

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Speaker 2: usually doing something physical, something active.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I remember a time when I was going through

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Speaker 1: a difficult experience. And a friend just showed up on

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Speaker 1: my doorstep and she said, you don't get to say no. Today,

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Speaker 1: we are going to the beach. I had been locked

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Speaker 1: up in the house for weeks, hadn't left, hadn't talked

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Speaker 1: to anyone, and she literally just came and took me

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Speaker 1: and didn't matter what I said. I couldn't get out

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Speaker 1: of it. But once I got there, it was just

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Speaker 1: such a grateful distraction to everything that was going on

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Speaker 1: in my head.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, just about anything to cut that circuit.

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Speaker 2: It might be come into the kitchen and help me

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Speaker 2: to stir the beans for dinner. It could be something

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Speaker 2: that simple. Or maybe let me read your story. It's

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Speaker 2: time for a story. We haven't been reading lately, and

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Speaker 2: this one's our favorite. Let's pull this one out and

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Speaker 2: just reconnect the other things that I think that you

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Speaker 2: can do if you'd need to help the kids to

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Speaker 2: resettle and regulate, get.

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Speaker 1: Outside, like green time.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, outside is so valuable, scrounds you and be active.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I've kind of touched on that with the

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Speaker 2: distraction stuff. But you don't have to do it as

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Speaker 2: a distraction. Sometimes you can do it as an intentional

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Speaker 2: activity to Sometimes the kids are climbing the walls because

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Speaker 2: they're climbing the walls. They've had enough of if you're

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Speaker 2: in Sydney, they have enough of lockdown and they just

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Speaker 2: need outside physical activity, energy release. Our bodies are made

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Speaker 2: to move, and if we don't move our bodies, we

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Speaker 2: store up all of this energy and it comes out

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Speaker 2: in horrible emotions every now and again. And the last

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Speaker 2: one that I'm going to mention is connection. Sometimes, if

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Speaker 2: the children are really, really, really dysregulated, sometimes if their

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Speaker 2: emotion is a big the most important thing that they

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Speaker 2: can have from us is connection. Ironically, it's the time

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Speaker 2: that we least want to give it to them, but

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Speaker 2: it's the time that they probably need it the most.

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Speaker 1: Campfire marshmallows, Yeah, they're corn.

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Speaker 2: Popped out of bunnings and grab one of those little

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Speaker 2: braziers and stoak it up. Grab a stick from the

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Speaker 2: back garden or from the local park and stick some

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Speaker 2: marshmallows on the end and away you go.

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Speaker 1: Well, we hope that if you are struggling with some

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Speaker 1: high energy levels in your home at the moment, that

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Speaker 1: you might have found some answers to help you resettle.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, if you enjoy the podcast, please leave ratings and

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Speaker 2: reviews at Apple Podcasts. Five star ratings and reviews help

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Speaker 2: other people to find out about the podcast and make

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Speaker 2: their family happier. The Happy Families podcast is produced by

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Speaker 2: Justin Rulon from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.

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Speaker 2: Oh and if you'd like more info about how you

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Speaker 2: can make your family happier, we have this thing called

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Speaker 2: a Happy Family's membership. We give you weekly updates at

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Speaker 2: ideas about how you can make your family happier. All

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Speaker 2: the details are at happy families dot com dot a