1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, 2 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,960 Speaker 1: where Luke and Suzy and this is the podcast for 3 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wants answers Now, Sue's. 4 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,880 Speaker 2: A very important question that's come into the show. 5 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:18,320 Speaker 3: It has indicated that maybe as kids get older that 6 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:21,880 Speaker 3: perhaps we become a little bit more confused as parents 7 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,119 Speaker 3: because there's a lot of textbooks and a lot of 8 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 3: predictability about two year olds and five year olds and 9 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,640 Speaker 3: seven year olds, and even though there are textbooks about teenagers, 10 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:32,519 Speaker 3: sus my guess is my memory of me being a teen. 11 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,640 Speaker 2: Is that we're pretty good at adapting once our parents 12 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,839 Speaker 2: think they've got it all sorted. Yes, and we've had 13 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:40,320 Speaker 2: a question come to the show we have. 14 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 1: Mary wrote through and asked us, how do you work 15 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,760 Speaker 1: with your teenager? And I think this is a really 16 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:47,440 Speaker 1: interesting question because we do talk a lot about the 17 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,800 Speaker 1: kids that are about our age, primary school kids, but 18 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,479 Speaker 1: teenagers we need to address them as well. But we 19 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:57,760 Speaker 1: don't know much doctor Justin Coilson does talking about teenagers. 20 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 1: We know children do change, and it seems that just 21 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,480 Speaker 1: as we master one area of parenting, I don't know, 22 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 1: they get a hormone kick or something, and suddenly we're 23 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: dealing with a whole different child again. And those teenage 24 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 1: years are really critical years relationally with parents. How do 25 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:14,480 Speaker 1: we navigate those? 26 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,840 Speaker 4: Let me respond to that by sharing a story and 27 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,360 Speaker 4: then a handful of ideas. 28 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,480 Speaker 5: So there's this farmer. 29 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 4: He's an old, krusty farmer, been working on the farm 30 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:26,120 Speaker 4: for decades, and he's out doing chores one morning and 31 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 4: a government ute pulls into the driveway and that gets 32 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 4: a government worker and he walks over to the farmer 33 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:36,039 Speaker 4: and says, I'm here representing the federal government and I'm 34 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,440 Speaker 4: here to inspect your farm for drugs. The farmer says, 35 00:01:40,319 --> 00:01:45,080 Speaker 4: I see. He says, can I recommend to you that 36 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 4: whatever you do, you don't look over in that paddock 37 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 4: over there. 38 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 2: Well that's good, he's just preparing. 39 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 5: That's right. 40 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,080 Speaker 4: So the government employee looks at the farmer and says, 41 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,200 Speaker 4: let me just explain to you who I am. I 42 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 4: work for the federal government. I'm here to look over 43 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 4: this entire farm for drugs and any other illegal activity 44 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:08,960 Speaker 4: that I think might be going on here. 45 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:11,520 Speaker 5: And I will look wherever I want. 46 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,040 Speaker 4: And just to state his case more emphatically, he reached 47 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,640 Speaker 4: into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, opened it up, 48 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 4: and flashed a badge. 49 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:18,920 Speaker 5: And so do you see this badge. 50 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 4: This badge authorizes me to go anywhere I want on 51 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:28,119 Speaker 4: your farm. So the farmer stepped back and humbly apologized 52 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:32,240 Speaker 4: and said, okay, I'll get out of your way. A 53 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,440 Speaker 4: few minutes later, while the farmer's back doing the chores, 54 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 4: he hears this noise over in the distance. He hears 55 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:43,040 Speaker 4: this voice saying, and he turns around and walks to 56 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,760 Speaker 4: the fence of the field that he told this government 57 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,000 Speaker 4: employee not to go to, and sees this employee running 58 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,680 Speaker 4: like crazy to get out of the field, and behind him, 59 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 4: chasing him at approximately twice his speed, is a bull 60 00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 4: with great big horns, this government employee saying, help me, 61 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,960 Speaker 4: help me, And the farmer leans on the fence and 62 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,560 Speaker 4: calls out in a loud voice, show. 63 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 2: Him your badge. 64 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:16,200 Speaker 4: And I think you know, our teenagers, our teenagers kind 65 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:16,920 Speaker 4: of become the bull. 66 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,239 Speaker 1: I was wondering if the teenager wasn't the story. 67 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 4: And we pull out our badge, and we show them 68 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 4: the badge, and we say I'm the parent, and they 69 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 4: say that badge doesn't mean anything. To me anymore, marm 70 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,919 Speaker 4: and dad, I can do what I want. It's my life. 71 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 4: In fact, the teenage anthem really is, it's my life. 72 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 4: I'll do what I want. Get out of my way. Now, 73 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 4: there's a handful of things that are going on with 74 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:45,680 Speaker 4: our teenagers. First of all, boys in particular, they experience 75 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 4: a significant drop in empathy in their brains, that their 76 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,440 Speaker 4: brain is not wired for empathy at all. It drops 77 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,560 Speaker 4: around about the age of twelve or thirteen. But you 78 00:03:55,640 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 4: couple that with these major tasks of lessons. Teenagers are 79 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 4: supposed to do two things so that they can become 80 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 4: successful adults. Number one, they need to separate from us, 81 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,880 Speaker 4: and number two, they need to create an identity. And 82 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 4: they can't create their own identity while they're hanging onto 83 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 4: our coattails, while they're getting piggybacks from us. They've got 84 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:23,360 Speaker 4: to separate, And unfortunately, one of the major ways that 85 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,800 Speaker 4: they separate from us is by saying no, and it's 86 00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:29,359 Speaker 4: my life. And the more we try to force them, 87 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:32,479 Speaker 4: the wider we make that chasm between us and them, 88 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,359 Speaker 4: The more we sort of say, my house, my rules, 89 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:37,920 Speaker 4: I'm the parent, I've got the spine, i've got the 90 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,600 Speaker 4: backbone to stand up to you. 91 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,920 Speaker 5: You know, if you don't like it, you can leave. 92 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 4: While ever we're doing that, all we're going to do 93 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,200 Speaker 4: is jeopardize the relationship. We're flashing that badge in the 94 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,760 Speaker 4: face of an angry ball. The interesting thing is that 95 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,839 Speaker 4: if we put the badge away and not that we 96 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,440 Speaker 4: have to become friends with our kids. You know, there's 97 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 4: this argument that's always out there, a parent's supposed to 98 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 4: be their children's friends or are they supposed to be parents? Well, 99 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 4: we're always their parent, but we can be parents that 100 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,560 Speaker 4: have great relationships with our children. But we've got to 101 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,480 Speaker 4: let go of this whole authority complex. We've got to 102 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:12,000 Speaker 4: stop waving badges in people's faces and start working with 103 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,000 Speaker 4: our kids and saying, hey, I get this, this is 104 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:14,560 Speaker 4: hard for you. 105 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:16,760 Speaker 5: I'm here to help you, not tell you what to do. 106 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,520 Speaker 3: Surely, though, as we prepare them for life beyond you know, 107 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 3: being a teenager at our house, like they're going to 108 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,880 Speaker 3: have bosses and they're going to have authority, figures that 109 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,919 Speaker 3: if we don't, you know, if the badge is irrelevant 110 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,920 Speaker 3: in this stage of life, aren't we setting them up 111 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,600 Speaker 3: for failure when they have to respect the badge in 112 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:33,599 Speaker 3: life when they're adults. 113 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 4: You know, most families will say my kids drive me insane, 114 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,040 Speaker 4: but their school teachers say they're angels. 115 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, all right. 116 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 4: Children behave differently in the public sphere to how they 117 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,960 Speaker 4: behave in that private sphere. So do we, And so 118 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,600 Speaker 4: you're exactly right, And so I think that we need 119 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:52,479 Speaker 4: to get away from that fear that if I don't 120 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,200 Speaker 4: teach my kid right and they're not perfect in the home, 121 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,279 Speaker 4: then they're going to be destatute by the time they're 122 00:05:58,279 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 4: twenty five, because. 123 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,599 Speaker 5: They'll have ruined every relationship matters. It's not true. 124 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 4: Our kids are supposed to separate from us and they're 125 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:08,159 Speaker 4: supposed to develop this identity. Oh, by the way, if 126 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 4: we push them hard enough, because they're trying to separate, 127 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:14,080 Speaker 4: and we're getting all rule focused and they do need rules, please, 128 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,159 Speaker 4: I want to be clear, they do need rules. But 129 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 4: I'll come back to that in a sec If we're 130 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,479 Speaker 4: getting so heavily rule focused and we keep pushing and 131 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,240 Speaker 4: pushing and pushing, they're not going to listen to us. 132 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 5: Where are they going to go? They're going to go 133 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,000 Speaker 5: to their friends, and often they'll go to the same 134 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,440 Speaker 5: friends who are going through the same. 135 00:06:30,279 --> 00:06:32,200 Speaker 4: Thing with their parents, and they get into this state 136 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,560 Speaker 4: of our parents don't understand, our parents are dumb, Our 137 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:38,720 Speaker 4: parents are just such a pain. And then they all say, well, 138 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,000 Speaker 4: what can we do to show them? And then they 139 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 4: go and start doing things that are unhelpful. 140 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:44,240 Speaker 5: I love the quote. 141 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,320 Speaker 4: I don't know who said it, but there was a 142 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,719 Speaker 4: I think it was Mark Twain, but I could be wrong. 143 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,760 Speaker 4: Who said When I was fourteen, I thought my father 144 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:55,280 Speaker 4: knew nothing. By the time I was twenty one, I 145 00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:57,280 Speaker 4: couldn't believe how much he'd learned. In the last seating 146 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,760 Speaker 4: is if they do grow up, they do mature, and 147 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 4: they do figure out that we were there. You know, 148 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,039 Speaker 4: This is what I would say if you feel like 149 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 4: your kids are just driving you to despair and they're teenagers. 150 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 4: Number one, what were you like when you were a teenager? 151 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:18,280 Speaker 5: Luke? 152 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,120 Speaker 2: Okay, not a good example. 153 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,200 Speaker 4: I was not a nice human being when I still 154 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,880 Speaker 4: need to improve even now that I'm an adult. But 155 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,720 Speaker 4: when I was a teenager, I was not a nice 156 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 4: human being at all. And most of us grow up 157 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,240 Speaker 4: to be much better than we were as teens. 158 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:40,800 Speaker 5: If that's the peak we're all in trouble. The kids 159 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 5: will get better and better as they get older. 160 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 4: That's the first thing. The second thing is the relationship 161 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,880 Speaker 4: is key. Our relationship with the matters so much. And 162 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 4: when you're at that point where you're despairing, just say 163 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,520 Speaker 4: to them, I'm I'm just going to step back right now, 164 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 4: but we're going to talk about it later. We're going 165 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,280 Speaker 4: to work this out. Because you matter more than anything. 166 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,520 Speaker 4: You've got to tell them. I got to tell your 167 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 4: teenagers they matter more than anything. 168 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:04,480 Speaker 5: Yeah, and be there for them. 169 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,320 Speaker 1: It is the Happy Famili's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson 170 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,760 Speaker 1: and we are talking about raising teenagers today. A little 171 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,160 Speaker 1: bit more coming up very shortly. 172 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:16,640 Speaker 6: Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most respected parenting voices. 173 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,240 Speaker 6: His seminars have equipped and empowered thousands of parents to 174 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,560 Speaker 6: make their families happier. But sometimes getting to a parenting 175 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,080 Speaker 6: seminar can be tough his work and other commitments. Then 176 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 6: there's the issue of the children and babysitters. Now you 177 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,720 Speaker 6: can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from the comfort 178 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,280 Speaker 6: of your own home and at a time that works 179 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,560 Speaker 6: for you. Sit in on one of doctor Justin's parenting 180 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:43,560 Speaker 6: seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity. You'll 181 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,240 Speaker 6: learn how to build a strong connection with your children, 182 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 6: how to really understand them, and how to get discipline right. 183 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,440 Speaker 6: What your child needs from you. A seminar from doctor 184 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 6: Justin Coulson. Download this ninety minute seminar now or purchase 185 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 6: the DVD at happy families dot com. 186 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,400 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast with doctor Justin Coolson, Luke 187 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,680 Speaker 1: and Suzy with you here as well. As we talk 188 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,440 Speaker 1: today about raising teenagers, but. 189 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,880 Speaker 3: In our teen years, we know that's where we make 190 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,160 Speaker 3: some of the stupidest decisions in our life. And as 191 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 3: the parents, we're just so desperate to protect them from 192 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:20,240 Speaker 3: bad consequences because because I can go I made stupid decisions, 193 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,240 Speaker 3: but I actually didn't get I was fortunate enough to not, 194 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,920 Speaker 3: through good management, avoid the bad consequences. My kids might 195 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,840 Speaker 3: not be so lucky if they make one mistake, and 196 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,679 Speaker 3: it could. We sure we have to try and protect them, 197 00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 3: and how. 198 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,840 Speaker 5: Yeah we do. We've got to have limits for them. 199 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,080 Speaker 4: They absolutely need limits, but we don't want to be 200 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,120 Speaker 4: forcing those limits on them because all that happens is 201 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 4: they do what they have to do in the moment 202 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:45,320 Speaker 4: because we're there and they're under surveillance, but there's no 203 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 4: buy in. 204 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,320 Speaker 5: It's kind of like, you know, the police. 205 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,680 Speaker 4: And I say this with the greatest of respect to 206 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 4: the police, but the police are out there to keep 207 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,600 Speaker 4: us safe, to protect us, right, and what do we 208 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 4: do Whenever we see a policeman while we're driving, We 209 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,720 Speaker 4: slow right down. We do exactly what they want us 210 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,480 Speaker 4: to be doing. We are seen to be doing the 211 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 4: right thing. 212 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:04,840 Speaker 2: Even if we're not speeding. 213 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,920 Speaker 4: Once we're around the corner and they can't see us anymore, 214 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 4: what do we all too often do. 215 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:15,280 Speaker 5: Let's say it's a seventi zone. 216 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,679 Speaker 4: We might only accelerate to seventy four. You know, we're 217 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,120 Speaker 4: not really speeding, are we will? Actually we're breaking the rules. 218 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 4: Our kids might not really want to go out and 219 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:26,560 Speaker 4: break all the rules, but once we're out of sight, 220 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,960 Speaker 4: they will if we're constantly forcing them. The best thing 221 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,960 Speaker 4: to do is, rather than doing things to them, is 222 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,560 Speaker 4: to work with them. I say this all the time. 223 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,880 Speaker 4: We've got to work with our kids, and the best 224 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 4: way that we can do that is we I think 225 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,760 Speaker 4: I've talked about the three ease with you at least 226 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 4: once before. We need to explain what we expect and 227 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:46,840 Speaker 4: why provide a rationale. We need to explore how it 228 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,000 Speaker 4: is for them see the world through their eyes, and 229 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,040 Speaker 4: then we need to empower them to make good decisions. 230 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:53,400 Speaker 4: The data tells us that when we go through a 231 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,400 Speaker 4: process like that with our teenagers, yeah, they'll still do 232 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,240 Speaker 4: some dumb stuff every now and again. They might even 233 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,880 Speaker 4: get heard, but they're much less less likely to do 234 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,280 Speaker 4: as much dumb stuff, and they're much less likely to 235 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,280 Speaker 4: get hurt, and they're much more likely to make wiser, 236 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:09,240 Speaker 4: better decisions because they don't feel forced. They feel like 237 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,560 Speaker 4: they've made the decisions themselves with a bit of guidance 238 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 4: from us. 239 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 3: Let's say you go through those steps, and you go 240 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,840 Speaker 3: through them, well, but there's still this impass and you've 241 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,560 Speaker 3: explained the rationale, You've gone through everything, and they still 242 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,959 Speaker 3: say I think you're wrong, and you say I think 243 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:26,600 Speaker 3: I'm right. Is that where do you Is there a 244 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,240 Speaker 3: line where you say, well, I'm boss. 245 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:32,080 Speaker 4: It depends. It depends on what the issue is. In 246 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,080 Speaker 4: some instances, you might say, you know what, you're seventeen 247 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:40,440 Speaker 4: years old. I'm done arguing with you. You are going 248 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,640 Speaker 4: to have to be responsible for this yourself, and it's 249 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,839 Speaker 4: up to you. Let's say it's schoolwork, for example, this 250 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,760 Speaker 4: is what I expect, you're not doing it. That means 251 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,400 Speaker 4: that you're not going to get that shortcut to UNI, 252 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,680 Speaker 4: and it means that you are setting yourself up for 253 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,440 Speaker 4: a very different life to the one that you've told 254 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 4: me you want. Then again, you might say, you know what, 255 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,320 Speaker 4: there are some decisions that parents have to make and 256 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,120 Speaker 4: this is one of them, and I wish that it 257 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 4: wasn't like this. But until we can work on this 258 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:11,800 Speaker 4: effectively together, it's my rule that stands. Let's say it's alcohol, okay, 259 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,880 Speaker 4: or consumption of other sort of illicit substances. You might 260 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,199 Speaker 4: just say, we don't do that. We don't do it. It 261 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:18,840 Speaker 4: won't happen in my house, and I'll do everything I 262 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,440 Speaker 4: can to protect you. It's illegal, it's not safe, it's 263 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,840 Speaker 4: damaging your brain, it's putting you at tremendous risk, it's 264 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,840 Speaker 4: putting others at risk. I'm not going to be associated 265 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,840 Speaker 4: with it. It won't happen, and so it really just does. 266 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,240 Speaker 4: It does depend It might be the boyfriend's sleeping over 267 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 4: or the girlfriends sleeping over you know, everybody's got their 268 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,840 Speaker 4: own morality and their own views on that. But in 269 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,679 Speaker 4: my home, my girls know, you don't bring the boyfriend home. 270 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,079 Speaker 4: I mean, he can come over and hang out, but 271 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,760 Speaker 4: there's a certain time, and once we hit that time, 272 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:51,800 Speaker 4: he goes home, and there's no one indoors in bedrooms 273 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,800 Speaker 4: with doors closed and all that sort of stuff. We've 274 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,400 Speaker 4: got rules, and that's how it will always be in 275 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,360 Speaker 4: our home. But there's a whole lot of other rules 276 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 4: that are you know, Look, I decided We've talked it 277 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,640 Speaker 4: through again and again and again. Clearly I'm not getting through. 278 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:05,720 Speaker 4: I don't have the energy to fight this one. 279 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,840 Speaker 3: So that it would come down to the moral conviction 280 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,800 Speaker 3: and the strength and importance of that moral conviction and 281 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 3: the potential significant consequences of going the wrong way right, 282 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,079 Speaker 3: So you weigh. 283 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:18,920 Speaker 5: That up exactly. 284 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 4: I call it principles versus preferences. Some thing's on principle. 285 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 4: I'm the parent, and these are my principles and that's 286 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,120 Speaker 4: all there is to it. And some things are preferences. 287 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,959 Speaker 4: I'll leave it to you. I've got a preference, you've 288 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,280 Speaker 4: got a preference, But nobody's really going to be harmed 289 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:36,319 Speaker 4: or damaged. You might not do as well in year 290 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,240 Speaker 4: twelve as you'd like to. You might end up in 291 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,679 Speaker 4: this situation or this situation while. 292 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,319 Speaker 5: But it's a. 293 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 4: Preference, not a hard and fast, principal moral conviction kind 294 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:45,040 Speaker 4: of thing. 295 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,160 Speaker 3: And I think about saying that homework example too, because 296 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 3: in the long term there are consequences, but one moment 297 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 3: here and there, in the midst of that fight is 298 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,600 Speaker 3: not going to necessarily make that big difference, because you 299 00:13:57,679 --> 00:13:59,320 Speaker 3: might give a little bit of slack and then they 300 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,680 Speaker 3: suddenly their brain kicks in for themselves. Actually, this isn't 301 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:04,840 Speaker 3: what I want. I want to do it that way 302 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,760 Speaker 3: and start to study again because the consequences of this 303 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:11,080 Speaker 3: one choice may not be actually bad and give them time. 304 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 4: Yeah, and we've got to have a conversation at some 305 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,680 Speaker 4: point about the pressure that we put our kids under 306 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,800 Speaker 4: for year twelve, by the way, because I mean. 307 00:14:16,679 --> 00:14:17,240 Speaker 5: You think about it. 308 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 4: Think about how many of us are actually doing now 309 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,000 Speaker 4: what we wanted to do when we're in year twelve. 310 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,200 Speaker 4: How many of us have grown up, gone to UNI, 311 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,320 Speaker 4: had the perfect career and everything just sort of worked out. 312 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,440 Speaker 5: Now. I know that some people are, but most of. 313 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 1: Us I'd be doing your taxes right now, if I 314 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,480 Speaker 1: did what I want to do with it, I was 315 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:34,200 Speaker 1: in grade twelve. 316 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:38,840 Speaker 3: Well, and the several years after yeah finished that you 317 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 3: did well? 318 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 2: You changed the degree part way through. Yeah, I did. 319 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,800 Speaker 1: I was going to be an accountant since I was thirteen. 320 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,800 Speaker 3: Until three years after you you'd stretched out on the 321 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,520 Speaker 3: couch and should be given your therapy as well. 322 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:51,080 Speaker 2: Life didn't turn. 323 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,560 Speaker 1: Out for you at all now, it's true, but I 324 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,120 Speaker 1: like there's a lot of really gold gems in what 325 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,520 Speaker 1: you've gold gems, a lot of gold in what you've 326 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,080 Speaker 1: told us today and gems, and I think you know 327 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,080 Speaker 1: a couple of really good keys in what you've said. 328 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,840 Speaker 1: Remember what it was like to be a teenager. The 329 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,160 Speaker 1: three e's that you gave us, I think is a 330 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,160 Speaker 1: really critical point. 331 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,720 Speaker 5: Explain, explore, and power. 332 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:19,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely beautiful, and take the change of relationship as 333 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 1: it comes. We're not always to be the authority figure, 334 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,000 Speaker 1: but continue to be a guide through those teenagers. 335 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:25,880 Speaker 2: Brilliant and if. 336 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,160 Speaker 5: All else fails, show me your badge. 337 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,200 Speaker 2: It might stop the bull, but it would make you 338 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 2: feel better. 339 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,840 Speaker 3: I think I was a bit of a questionable teenager, 340 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,360 Speaker 3: but just the bull reminds me of my sister in 341 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 3: the morning when she was a teen. My mum was 342 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,600 Speaker 3: telling me, as a grown woman, don't mess with her 343 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 3: in the morning. Doctor Justin Kilson, thank you so much. 344 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:51,160 Speaker 5: That's great. Thanks Scott. 345 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 1: For more resources on this and loads of other parenting topics, 346 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:58,920 Speaker 1: including books, DVDs, and online resources and courses, go to 347 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com. A you, and if you were 348 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,800 Speaker 1: thinking you might like to have doctor Justin Coilson speak 349 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,600 Speaker 1: for your group or school, you can find more info 350 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:17,400 Speaker 1: on how that can happen at Justinculson dot com.