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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the.

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Speaker 1: Time poor parent who just once answers.

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Speaker 3: Now, but it highlights to me how important it is

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Speaker 3: that we really work with our kids on helping them

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Speaker 3: to utilize their screens in ways that don't interfere with

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Speaker 3: how we function in our family and in our relationships.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy

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Speaker 3: Families dot com. Dot you Friday morning at least if

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Speaker 3: you listen to this on the time that it drops.

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Speaker 3: It's Friday morning and the weekend is just around the corner.

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Speaker 3: I'm here with Kylie is smiling because the weekend's nearly here.

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Speaker 1: No, I'm actually smiling because I finally kicked you out

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Speaker 1: of the house.

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Speaker 3: Right, Okay, so I'm officially in an office for the

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Speaker 3: first time ever. I've always worked from home and now

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Speaker 3: I'm working in an office and I have to say

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Speaker 3: I miss you and you might be smiling, but I

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Speaker 3: don't like it. I like being able to.

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Speaker 1: No, I'm not saying that I don't like you in

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Speaker 1: my Yes, Yes, that's.

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Speaker 3: What I'm hearing. You like it when I'm not around.

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Speaker 3: That's what I know.

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Speaker 1: That's not what I'm saying. I like it when you

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Speaker 1: have your space and I have MySpace.

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Speaker 3: All right, In other words, you like it when I'm

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Speaker 3: not around.

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Speaker 1: Well, no, in Brisbane, you had your space and I

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Speaker 1: had my space and we could come together whenever we

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Speaker 1: wanted to throughout the day and I love that.

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Speaker 3: But now, okay and a half down the road.

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Speaker 1: But we're in a tiny little house now and we

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Speaker 1: don't have that option. So you stealing a bedroom one

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Speaker 1: of three bedrooms we have.

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Speaker 3: For my office. It wasn't working.

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Speaker 1: Well, it wasn't. So that's what I'm saying.

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Speaker 3: Okay, Kylie today is I'll do better tomorrow. It's the

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Speaker 3: podcast where we have a conversation about what we've learned

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Speaker 3: during the week, as we've tried to be intentional about

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Speaker 3: our parenting so that we can reflect and be better

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Speaker 3: next time we try to raise children next time. We're

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Speaker 3: involved in the art of parenting. So we received some

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Speaker 3: feedback some email via podcasts at happy Families dot com

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Speaker 3: dot au in response to our podcast on Monday morning, Australia,

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Speaker 3: we have a smacking problem. It was a really important

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Speaker 3: conversation to begin and it continues now with some anonymous

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Speaker 3: feedback from someone who doesn't mind as using the voice memo,

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Speaker 3: but would prefer not to be named Hijason.

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Speaker 2: Carli, thank you so much for your recent podcast, Australia

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Speaker 2: has a Smacking Problem. It got me thinking a lot

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Speaker 2: about a situation where I've watched a friend hit a child,

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Speaker 2: and to watch a child be so hurt and distressed

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Speaker 2: and mortified and shaken. It's absolutely horrible and we're all different.

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Speaker 2: Some of us support it and some of us don't.

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Speaker 2: But I'm ashamed to say that I did watch it

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Speaker 2: and not speak to my friend about it. Anyway, I

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Speaker 2: wanted to know your thoughts and thanks again.

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Speaker 3: So Kylie, do you tell your friend? Do you tell

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Speaker 3: somebody that you really care about that you don't like

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Speaker 3: the fact that they're hitting their kids. I've got some ideas,

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Speaker 3: but what's on your mind.

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Speaker 1: I think that, as we've experienced time and time again

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Speaker 1: in our own lives, parenting is such a personal thing

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Speaker 1: and you have to have a pretty tight real life

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Speaker 1: relationship with someone to be able to point out, you know,

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Speaker 1: I guess a weakness or a flaw in their parenting

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Speaker 1: without it completely and utterly destroying the relationship. Chances are

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Speaker 1: you're going to say something and it's actually just going

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Speaker 1: to step with the relationship you have with that friend

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Speaker 1: as opposed to help them make changes to the way

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Speaker 1: they do things.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, the best thing that you can do is to

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Speaker 3: be a calm influence and to be a calm example

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Speaker 3: with your own kids, so that they say, how do

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Speaker 3: you do it? How do you stay so calm? How

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Speaker 3: do you not hit your kids? And then you get

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Speaker 3: to you give them the opening, But I wouldn't be

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Speaker 3: pursuing it either. In Australia. In fact, in the Western world,

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Speaker 3: we do such a terrible job of parenting like we

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Speaker 3: actually do it all on our own. We get cranky,

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Speaker 3: we act like children ourselves. There is so much that

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Speaker 3: we don't get right. When you look across culturally at

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Speaker 3: the way other people, other nation's, other cultures raise their kids,

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Speaker 3: there's a sense of community, there's additional people lifting the

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Speaker 3: load and lightening the load, and there's also an expectation

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Speaker 3: of the parents we keep it under control, to be

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Speaker 3: an example to our children of what it is to

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Speaker 3: keep it under control. This is something that is not

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Speaker 3: going to go away for this person until they learn

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Speaker 3: to control themselves instead of trying to control their children

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Speaker 3: and trying to talk to somebody about it. I think

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Speaker 3: is just a big mistake. So I'm going to say,

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Speaker 3: don't do it. But thanks so much for we love.

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Speaker 3: We love getting your voice memos, so please keep on

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Speaker 3: sending those through podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot you. Also,

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Speaker 3: this is a heartbreaking email that came through Kylie from

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Speaker 3: somebody who I'm also going to keep anonymous. They're a

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Speaker 3: regular emailer to the Happy Families podcast though, and I

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Speaker 3: want to share this with you. This one comes from

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Speaker 3: somebody overseas, and she says, as I listen to your

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Speaker 3: podcast this morning on smacking, I had tears in my

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Speaker 3: eyes because Kylie and Justin's story seems to be spot

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Speaker 3: on with how I was raised and how I had

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Speaker 3: to make a considered effort to learn new skills and

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Speaker 3: help foster a more positive environment for my daughter. I

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Speaker 3: was often slapped across the face as a child if

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Speaker 3: I was talking back or arguing or not in complete compliance.

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Speaker 3: While I was never smacked, I was slapped across my

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Speaker 3: face frequently, which was very painful and created a lot

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Speaker 3: of fear in my childhood. As an adult, I have

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Speaker 3: anxiety and often second guess my choices and decisions. I

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Speaker 3: don't often feel confident speaking up, and while I've been

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Speaker 3: working on this, it makes me quite uncomfortable when I'm

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Speaker 3: responded back with yelling or the silent treatment, which creates

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Speaker 3: this level of discomfort and shame that overwhelms me at times.

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Speaker 3: I would say that now, as an almost forty two

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Speaker 3: year old, I did not turn out fine and have

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Speaker 3: suffered a strained and painful relationship at times with my mother.

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Speaker 3: Even to this day. She says I had to because

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Speaker 3: you never listened to me. What a powerful what a

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Speaker 3: powerful response to that podcast. Thank you so much for

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Speaker 3: sending that email through. We love your feedback voice memos emails.

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Speaker 3: Send them to podcasts at Happy families dot com dot

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Speaker 3: au Kylie for I'll do better tomorrow. Today, I've got

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Speaker 3: a story, You've got a story. We both want to

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Speaker 3: be more intentional as parents. Let's get to those stories

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Speaker 3: right after the break. Dads are pretty awesome, just ask

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Speaker 3: me today. More dads are more involved with their children's

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Speaker 3: lives than ever before, and research shows that their children

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Speaker 3: are really benefiting from it. But too often dads don't

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Speaker 3: realize just how vital they really are. In the Dadding

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Speaker 3: Done Right webinar, Join me, is I examine how dads

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Speaker 3: can be a fantastic support, the ideal role model and

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Speaker 3: an excellent all round best dad ever. Check out Dading

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Speaker 3: Done Right at the Happy Family's webshop.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, The podcast with a time

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Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm interested in

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Speaker 1: your story.

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Speaker 3: Pick me, pick me. Okay, So I've just finished reading

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Speaker 3: a book. I made a big deal about it yesterday

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Speaker 3: in the podcast Hunt Gather. Parent just finished reading this

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Speaker 3: amazing book by Mike Lean Duclef. Mike Lean is an

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Speaker 3: Irish name apparent, and I got to have a chat

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Speaker 3: with her during the week, Michael indocleff. It's a New

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Speaker 3: York Times bestseller, and she went and visited these different cultures,

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Speaker 3: these different places around the world and took her two

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Speaker 3: year old daughter with her so that she could experience

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Speaker 3: it with her baby and learn about how they parent

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Speaker 3: compared to how we do it. And I don't recommend

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Speaker 3: parenting books very often because frankly, the only ones that

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Speaker 3: I recommend the ones that I write. But this was

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Speaker 3: such a good book. I know I raved about it yesterday,

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Speaker 3: so I'll stop. But had an experience on the weekend

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Speaker 3: that was related to what I read in the book.

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Speaker 3: So in the book, Michael Lane describes how in these

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Speaker 3: cultures they don't force their kids to do things, even chores,

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Speaker 3: but they do expect that they will contribute. They also, though,

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Speaker 3: don't expect their kids to go and do chores on

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Speaker 3: their own, they do tasks together. So I'm thinking on

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Speaker 3: the weekend, as I'm cleaning up some leaves in the garden,

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Speaker 3: why am I doing this on my own? I should

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Speaker 3: have some children helping me. So I called out to Lily,

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Speaker 3: our twelve year old, and Emily, our eight year old. Hey, girls,

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Speaker 3: come and get me a hand with the leaves. Lily,

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Speaker 3: twelve years old, she rolled rise, she stopped it just

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Speaker 3: like blah. I mean, she was so she didn't want

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Speaker 3: to clean up leaves, but she she's twelve, so she

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Speaker 3: held herself together and she came out and helped me anyway.

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Speaker 3: But Emily, our eight year old with ADHD, she's walked

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Speaker 3: out and she's like, I'm not cleaning up leaves, hey,

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Speaker 3: cleaning up leaves. She chucked a bit of a fit

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Speaker 3: and off she walked now. In the book, Michael Lean

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Speaker 3: says that in these tribes, they would ask with an

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Speaker 3: expectation that a child would help, but they would not

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Speaker 3: force the child, and if the child chose not to,

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Speaker 3: they would just shrug their shoulders and let it go.

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Speaker 3: Because there's something in inside our children that makes them

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Speaker 3: want to be where we are and makes them want

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Speaker 3: to contribute. They want to feel like they're big kids

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Speaker 3: doing big jobs. So she said, when you ask the question,

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Speaker 3: wait five minutes before you ask again. And I mean, typically,

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Speaker 3: if I ask the kids to do something, they don't

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Speaker 3: do it, I'll get them fifteen seconds, maybe ten, and

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Speaker 3: then I'll walk over to them and I'll meet their

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Speaker 3: eyes and I'll say I asked you to do something,

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Speaker 3: they'll come and do it. And I'm pretty hardcore, like

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Speaker 3: I'm pretty clear about my expectation. Anyway, I decided to

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Speaker 3: let it go. I decided I would give Emily five

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Speaker 3: minutes before I extended the invitation again. I probably figured

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Speaker 3: the leaves would be cleaned up by then, but whatever.

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Speaker 3: About thirty seconds later, she came out of the house

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Speaker 3: and walked over to me and said, fine, old help.

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Speaker 3: I just smart and said great, and after we'd been

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Speaker 3: working side by side, the three of us for maybe

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Speaker 3: a minute, maybe ninety seconds, I realized that some of

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Speaker 3: the leaves were a little bit too far into the

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Speaker 3: garden and a rake would be helpful. So I went

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Speaker 3: and grabbed the rake, and as I started to rake,

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Speaker 3: Emily said, I want to do it. I want to

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Speaker 3: do it. Here's the other thing that michae Lean says

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Speaker 3: in her book, Hun't Gather Parents. She says, we give

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Speaker 3: so much direction to our kids. We're constantly telling them

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Speaker 3: what to do, kind of tizing with the thing that

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Speaker 3: I'm always talking about with correction and direction versus connection.

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Speaker 3: And she said, in these ancient cultures, what they do

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Speaker 3: is they just let them do it, and they encourage

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Speaker 3: them while they're doing it, and then later they teach

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Speaker 3: them how they can do it better. So there's not

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Speaker 3: much in truction until they've already been doing it, and

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Speaker 3: the child is open in the instruction. So I handed

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Speaker 3: Emily of the rake and said, sure thing that I

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Speaker 3: want to make sure the soil doesn't end up on

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Speaker 3: the grass. If you can do that, go for it.

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Speaker 3: She made such a mess. She was doing the worst

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Speaker 3: job ever, and it took everything inside me to not

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Speaker 3: say anything to her and just let her rake the leaves.

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Speaker 3: And I was working beside her and pulling the leaves

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Speaker 3: out as she was moving the dirt everywhere, including onto

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Speaker 3: the grass. But after a couple of minutes, she said, Dad,

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Speaker 3: I'm spilling the soil all of the grass, and you

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Speaker 3: don't want me to do that, do you? I said no.

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Speaker 3: She said, could you help me? And so I spent

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Speaker 3: about twenty seconds showing her how she could rake without

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Speaker 3: putting soil everywhere, and then we cleaned up the mess

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Speaker 3: that she'd made. She worked out in the garden with

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Speaker 3: me for I reckon ten or fifteen minutes, with no encouragement,

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Speaker 3: with no not that I praised them anyway, but with

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Speaker 3: no praise, with no cajoling or coercion. She just helped

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Speaker 3: and she was glad for it, and we got to

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Speaker 3: spend time together, and I just thought, this is amazing.

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Speaker 3: Extend the invitation, don't pester them, Just give them their agency,

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Speaker 3: and then when they decide to help, even if they're

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Speaker 3: making a mess of it, just let them keep on

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Speaker 3: helping anyway, and tie it up afterwards, maybe with a

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Speaker 3: little bit of encouragement and instruction when it's all said

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Speaker 3: and done, it was amazing. I'm so excited about it.

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Speaker 3: I felt like it was I'm going to sound like

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Speaker 3: I've got a big head here, Kylie, and I don't

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Speaker 3: mean to, but I kind of feel like I know

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Speaker 3: a lot about parenting, and I feel like I do

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Speaker 3: it pretty well most of the time. But this has

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Speaker 3: changed so much for me. I feel like this has

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Speaker 3: been a really big aha moment, and I loved the experience.

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Speaker 1: So I'm wondering what would have happened if she hadn't

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Speaker 1: have come out. How would you have felt then and

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Speaker 1: how would you have dealt with it.

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Speaker 3: I would have given a five minutes and then gone

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Speaker 3: and extended the invitation again. And if she chose not to,

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Speaker 3: I would have just let it go. Literally, just let

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Speaker 3: it go. It's not worth the fire, it's not worth

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Speaker 3: the big hassles and dramas around control, and you've got

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Speaker 3: to do as I say, it's just not worth it.

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Speaker 3: But here's the crazy thing she did. She did come

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Speaker 3: back out because I gave it the space to let

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Speaker 3: that little voice inside ahead, let those little feelings inside

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Speaker 3: her heart that crave connection. I let those do their job,

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Speaker 3: and as a result, she came and got involved.

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Speaker 1: So I think the biggest challenge that we have as

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Speaker 1: parents is the conflict between screens and technology and wanting

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Speaker 1: to spend time with us, because I recognize and see

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Speaker 1: when our kids aren't on screens, they're actually really compliant

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Speaker 1: and really willing to be helpful. But as soon as

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Speaker 1: screens get involved, it's a total it's a game changer.

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Speaker 3: I've been thinking about that since I read the book

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Speaker 3: and since I had that experience, and I'm utterly convinced

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Speaker 3: that this works perfectly and less screens are in the way,

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Speaker 3: which has highlighted to me, and we haven't talked about

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Speaker 3: it yet. We're having the conversation for the first time

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Speaker 3: right now, but it highlights to me how important it

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Speaker 3: is that we really work with our kids on helping

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Speaker 3: them to utilize their screens in ways that don't interfere

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Speaker 3: with how we function in our family, in our relationships.

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Speaker 1: Nice one, So what's yours? So I often talk about

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Speaker 1: being a little bit spontaneous, letting go of the routine.

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Speaker 1: And over the weekend we had our eldest and her

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Speaker 1: husband come and stay with us in our tiny little

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Speaker 1: house and the sleepover room with four kids became sleepover room.

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Speaker 3: With six kids.

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Speaker 1: Meantime, the trucks arrived and our house has been turned

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Speaker 1: upside down with the second load of stuff.

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Speaker 3: So when we moved out of our house, just for context,

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Speaker 3: we filled two small shipping containers. When we moved to

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Speaker 3: the new house, we unloaded the one with all the

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Speaker 3: essential stuff, and it's been so comfortable having all this

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Speaker 3: space and having empty cupboards and just having what we

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Speaker 3: need to get through. But now the second container has arrived,

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Speaker 3: and oh my goodness, I think we've got to get

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Speaker 3: rid of at least half of it, right, But you've.

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Speaker 1: Got to open them all up and go through them

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Speaker 1: to work out what's needed and what's not and rid

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Speaker 1: of it. So anyway, it's a bit chaotic. So on

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Speaker 1: top of all of that, I invite our daughter her

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Speaker 1: husband to come and stay the night with us. And meantime,

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Speaker 1: Miss Lily, who has been twelve for a few months now,

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Speaker 1: has been dying to watch She's the Man.

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Speaker 3: Ye know where you're going with.

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Speaker 1: I don't know where the tradition started, but the girls

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Speaker 1: have taken on the mother role and have told her

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Speaker 1: she's not allowed to watch it until she's twelve because

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Speaker 1: somebody somewhere along the line, somebody had to wait until

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Speaker 1: they were twelve to watch it, and that's been the

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Speaker 1: go for forever.

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Speaker 3: So our second daughter Abby watched it when she was twelve.

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Speaker 3: When Ella wanted to watch it, we said, well, I

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Speaker 3: wait to your twelve because Abby had to, and then

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Speaker 3: it was Annie and now it's literally everyone has to

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Speaker 3: wait to their twelve before they watched She's the Man.

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Speaker 1: So Lily has been waiting for months because every time

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Speaker 1: she asks if we can do it, somebody's.

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Speaker 3: Not home because we all have to be there.

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Speaker 1: So with Jared and Chanelle at home, I kind of

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Speaker 1: said to them, how do you feel about having a

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Speaker 1: movie night? We'll watch She's the Man. They were just

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Speaker 1: awesome sports and so we all sat down. You got

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Speaker 1: stuck in the kitchen. I have to admit that was

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Speaker 1: a bit sad. But you didn't actually want to watch it,

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Speaker 1: did you.

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Speaker 3: No. I would rather have flaming bamboo shoots stuck under

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Speaker 3: my nails then sit down and watch She's the Man,

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Speaker 3: or most movies for that matter.

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Speaker 1: One of our children knows all the lines, like all

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Speaker 1: the lines, and as we're watching the movie, she's repeating

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Speaker 1: it and Lily's eyes are popping and she's going.

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Speaker 4: Oh, now I know what that line means, but it

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Speaker 4: was just it was such a joy to have everybody

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Speaker 4: in the room together and just enjoying time together.

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Speaker 3: So there was you and my mum watched it with you,

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Speaker 3: and then there was Chanelle and Jared, Jared did fall asleep,

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Speaker 3: and the other four kids, so there were like seven

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Speaker 3: or eight people laying around in the lounge room watching

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Speaker 3: She's the Man. I finished the kitchen, then went to

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Speaker 3: my bedroom and read. I was reading Mickeleen to Cleff's book.

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Speaker 3: I wanted to get it finished, gather parent because it

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Speaker 3: was so good. But all I heard for an hour

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Speaker 3: and a half was raucous, uproarious laughter as the family

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Speaker 3: laid on the couch and had a movie night, which

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Speaker 3: because I hate movies as a general rule, and I

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Speaker 3: certainly don't like watching kids' movies very much, we don't

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Speaker 3: do that stuff. And it did. I came out and

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Speaker 3: joined in for five or ten minutes towards the end,

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Speaker 3: and it was a lot of fun.

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Speaker 1: Just the highlight was it really was a highlight. Highlight

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Speaker 1: to have, you know, our eldest daughter who lives away

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Speaker 1: from home, who loves coming back home to us and

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Speaker 1: spending time together and just seeing all of the kids

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Speaker 1: together and Gramdma just enjoying time. And I was just

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Speaker 1: so grateful that, in spite of the fact that there

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Speaker 1: was so much I could have done, boxes, you know,

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Speaker 1: was scattered all through the house still large, and I

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Speaker 1: could have, you know, spent the evening trying to kind

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Speaker 1: of create more order, that I just took time to

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Speaker 1: be with them. I've watched the movie a bajillion times

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Speaker 1: and I really didn't have to sit down, but such

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Speaker 1: a feel good moment.

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Speaker 3: We really hope that you've got some parenting inspiration from

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Speaker 3: this podcast today to take her messages are pretty clear.

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Speaker 3: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhlin from

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Speaker 3: Bridge Media, and Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If

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Speaker 3: you'd like more info about how you can make it

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Speaker 3: family happier, visit us at happy families dot com. You

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Speaker 3: and have a great weekend. Hm