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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.

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Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 3: Now, I don't care if you get c's and d's

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Speaker 3: and e's and f's for the rest of your life.

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Speaker 3: I mean I do. I want you to have great life,

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Speaker 3: but your value as a person isn't related to grades.

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Speaker 3: My feelings for you are unconditioned. I love you no

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Speaker 3: matter what, regardless of the grades.

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Speaker 1: Again and now here's the stars of our show, my

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Speaker 1: mum and dad. Hello.

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Speaker 3: This is talked to Justin Coilson, the founder of Happy

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Speaker 3: Families dot com, dot you and the author of the

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Speaker 3: brand new book The Parenting Revolution.

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Speaker 2: Did you just go down into your deep voice?

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Speaker 1: I did.

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Speaker 3: I just I just put on my This is the

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Speaker 3: I'm being very serious, this is my I was once

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Speaker 3: a presenter, and I still know how to stay state

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Speaker 3: stage voice. I just try to say I still know

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Speaker 3: how to say stuff, and I couldn't the RN.

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Speaker 1: I still know how to stay soft. I clearly don't

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Speaker 1: know how to say some stuff, like how to say

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Speaker 1: we are making a mess of this, but we're going

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Speaker 1: to keep on going, because sometimes life is like that.

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Speaker 1: You make a mess and you just keep on going

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Speaker 1: see what I did there? Did you like that? Come on,

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Speaker 1: give me some give me some acknowledgment that I was.

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Speaker 2: Listening to one of the podcasts the other day in

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Speaker 2: the car with the kids, right and at the end

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Speaker 2: of it, I thought, wow, I actually sounded like the

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Speaker 2: expert in that.

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Speaker 1: You know, I get so many people. In fact, who

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Speaker 1: was I talking to just the other day, I gave

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Speaker 1: we used to have a business manager and somebody who

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Speaker 1: helped us with our Happy Family's strategy for how we

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Speaker 1: can reach more people and make a bigger impact in

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Speaker 1: the world. Stacy.

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Speaker 3: I was talking to Stacy the other day and she said,

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Speaker 3: I love listening to the podcast, but no offense. I

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Speaker 3: just think Kylie's great. Come on, this is the doctor

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Speaker 3: Justin Colson's Happy Families podcast, and everyone loves Kylie and

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Speaker 3: I can live with it because I have to.

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Speaker 2: Well, I was just going to say, I said to

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Speaker 2: the kids, I think I sounded pretty good there. I

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Speaker 2: sounded like I know what I'm talking about. And our

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Speaker 2: fifteen year old piped up and she said, Mum, I

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Speaker 2: think that was the best podcast I've heard. You spoke

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Speaker 2: more in that podcast than I think you've ever spoken before.

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Speaker 2: The thirteen year old pipes up in the background and

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Speaker 2: she said, yeah, I still think Dad took over. Oh gosh,

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Speaker 2: you get it from all sides, states I do every man.

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Speaker 1: I try so hard.

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Speaker 2: Anyway, come on, let's go all right.

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Speaker 1: So every Friday we call this episode I'll do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: This is where we reflect it. We reflect on the

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Speaker 1: week that was and our parenting and how we're going.

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Speaker 1: Are we doing it right, are we're doing it wrong?

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Speaker 1: How can we be better? And Kylie, lately, I've been

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Speaker 1: sharing a whole lot of wins. I feel like I've

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Speaker 1: been really really dialed in, and I'm going to share

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Speaker 1: another win this week because going to roll, Well, do

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Speaker 1: you know why I've written this book? And all I'm

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Speaker 1: doing all day every day is talking Like I mean,

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Speaker 1: I always talk about parenting, but it's like it's ramped

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Speaker 1: up to times ten at the moment. I've been doing

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Speaker 1: so much media, so many interviews, so many podcasts, and

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Speaker 1: we've got the TV show starting Parental Guidance Channel nine

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Speaker 1: and nine now on Monday night. And all I'm doing

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Speaker 1: is talking about pairenting at a whole new level. It's NonStop,

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Speaker 1: and it's making me better. Like it's reminding me constantly

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Speaker 1: of all the stuff that I'm supposed to be doing.

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Speaker 1: It's brilliant.

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Speaker 2: So we've noticed this actually pretty much every time you

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Speaker 2: have released a book. There's this revived energy that comes

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Speaker 2: around as a result of you being completely immersed in

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Speaker 2: everything you're doing. And I'm not talking about you specifically

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Speaker 2: as a couple. The more you are doing this stuff,

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Speaker 2: the more your game elevates, and it allows me to

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Speaker 2: elevate as well, because I want to be better. We've

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Speaker 2: had this BMX factor. We talk about this idea of

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Speaker 2: wanting to be better people whenever we're around each other,

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Speaker 2: and when one of us lifts our game, it actually

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Speaker 2: just encourages the other one to meet them where they are.

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Speaker 1: So Kylie for our older better tomorrow would go first,

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Speaker 1: so the kids think that you get to talk a

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Speaker 1: whole lot more.

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Speaker 2: I'll go first. Not because of that, but I think

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Speaker 2: that if you've got a great story. Mine's more of

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Speaker 2: an aha moment that I had while I read your book.

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Speaker 1: You're reading my book.

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Speaker 2: I'm reading your book. I haven't got all the way

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Speaker 2: through it yet.

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Speaker 1: You're pretty dumb close. I have seen it. I've seen

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Speaker 1: the book mark progressing through the pages, and I'm so grateful.

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Speaker 2: Well, I told you you just needed to be patient.

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Speaker 2: I just needed the headspace to be able to nut

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Speaker 2: down and actually give it the time and the energy

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Speaker 2: that it required.

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Speaker 3: So I've got a question before you tell the story

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Speaker 3: the Aha moment, I've caught it the parenting revolution, because

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Speaker 3: I really truly believe that what I'm talking about is revolutionary.

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Speaker 3: Like I shared the presentation that goes with the book

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Speaker 3: at the Resilient Kids conference a couple of weeks ago

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Speaker 3: in Brisbane, and Karen Young from Hey Sigmund, wonderful psychologist,

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Speaker 3: brilliant lady, incredible thinker. She said that what I had

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Speaker 3: to say about parenting in the book and what I

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Speaker 3: said on stage was revolutionary, or she said, I connected

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Speaker 3: so many dots for her, and she's an experienced psychologist's

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Speaker 3: been doing this for like twenty plus years. Would you

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Speaker 3: say that you've had Aha moments?

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Speaker 1: Like I don't think it's too big a word to

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Speaker 1: say that this will revolutionize your parenting.

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Speaker 2: So it's a little bit tricky for me to be

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Speaker 2: objective with your books because we talk so much about

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Speaker 2: the stuff that you actually write about.

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Speaker 1: Is it different to read it though, rather than hearing

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Speaker 1: me banging on about it all the time at home

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Speaker 1: or does it just sound like you're reading me banging

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Speaker 1: on about something.

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Speaker 2: No, For the most part, it's just like it's just

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Speaker 2: like I'm having another conversation with you. What I love.

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Speaker 2: I was going to do this with the.

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Speaker 1: Book club oh review, Okay.

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Speaker 2: You've got me talking about it.

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Speaker 3: Save it for the book club review then, because that's

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Speaker 3: coming up in just a couple of weeks on the podcast,

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Speaker 3: and I really want to hear what you've got to

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Speaker 3: say in the right context.

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Speaker 1: So I asked the question that was my fault. Share

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Speaker 1: the aha that you've had as you're reading the book.

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Speaker 2: So you talk about need supportive parenting and what that

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Speaker 2: actually looks like, and how for our kids to fully thrive,

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Speaker 2: they need to have a sense of relatedness, their relationships

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Speaker 2: need to be intact connection that they need to have

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Speaker 2: a sense of competence. And there's such a fine line

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Speaker 2: between something that's too easy and something that's too hard,

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Speaker 2: finding that beautiful safe space where there's enough challenge but

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Speaker 2: they can see that if they just work at this

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Speaker 2: a little bit longer, they'll actually achieve and not and

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Speaker 2: then a sense of autonomy then need to be able

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Speaker 2: to control their environment. And so as I was reading

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Speaker 2: that and I was just I was thinking about I

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Speaker 2: guess the way I was raised and the way we're

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Speaker 2: striving to raise our kids, I just I had this

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Speaker 2: massive aha moment. I grew up in a pretty controlling home,

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Speaker 2: and as a result, I didn't feel like my parents

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Speaker 2: related to me, and therefore I felt really out on

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Speaker 2: the limb.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is the whole you don't understand me, And

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Speaker 1: the reason kids say that is because they feel like

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Speaker 1: we're quashing their autonomy.

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Speaker 2: Wally, I actually did know wholeheartedly that what my parents

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Speaker 2: were trying to teach me was good. It was good

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Speaker 2: for me, and it was just good. It was wholesome,

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Speaker 2: it was true, it was right. But because I didn't

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Speaker 2: feel like I had the autonomy to make my own choices,

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Speaker 2: there was no other place for me to go than

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Speaker 2: to choose wrong. Rebellion literally, because for me to choose

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Speaker 2: right didn't feel like it was my choice. It felt

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Speaker 2: like every step of the way, I was being forced

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Speaker 2: to make the right decision, even though in my heart

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Speaker 2: I knew it was the right decision, but I wanted

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Speaker 2: to prove that I was capable of making my own decisions,

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Speaker 2: and so the only decision left for me to make

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Speaker 2: was the wrong one.

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Speaker 1: And you were a pretty good kid. You didn't make

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Speaker 1: too many wrong decisions.

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Speaker 2: No, But sitting there in that space, as I read

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Speaker 2: that and recognized that, and knowing that my parents were

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Speaker 2: between the very best job they could to teach me right,

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Speaker 2: and they did, and I knew it just made me

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Speaker 2: think about the times where my kids are playing up

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Speaker 2: and they're making decisions that I wish they wouldn't and

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Speaker 2: recognizing that in that space, is that the only choice

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Speaker 2: they see available to them because I haven't allowed them

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Speaker 2: the autonomy to pick a different choice.

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Speaker 1: There's some pretty deep stuff there. You really need to

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Speaker 1: read the book to get into the nitty gritty of

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Speaker 1: what Kylie's getting at. But that's what I want this

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Speaker 1: book to do. I wanted to provide those aha moments,

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Speaker 1: those insights, and just to emphasize this doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: we should just let the kids do whatever they want.

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Speaker 1: It's actually about how we engage with them on the

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Speaker 1: decisions that they're making.

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Speaker 2: One of the things that I love, as we've tried

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Speaker 2: to pairent our kids helping them to feel like we

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Speaker 2: actually get where they're at and what they're going through

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Speaker 2: and we see the struggle. And I feel like that

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Speaker 2: was probably out of those three things, that was the

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Speaker 2: thing that I struggle with the most. I didn't feel

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Speaker 2: like my parents got me. They didn't understand what it

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Speaker 2: was like to live my life. They just saw the

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Speaker 2: right path to go, and I had to go down

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Speaker 2: that road without recognizing just how challenging it was to

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Speaker 2: be on that path.

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Speaker 1: So what does that mean for a parent who's listened

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Speaker 1: to this, that hasn't read the Parenting Revolution and perhaps

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Speaker 1: won't What does this really mean in terms of that

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Speaker 1: four year old or that nine year old or that

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Speaker 1: sixteen year old that is in the living room and

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Speaker 1: is surly, or ornery and uncooperative and has all that attitude.

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Speaker 2: One of the things that we try really hard to

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Speaker 2: do in our home is to let our kids know

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Speaker 2: that we see them, and so by acknowledging what we're

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Speaker 2: actually seeing. I remember once I tried, in the early days,

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Speaker 2: when I was learning all of this and it was

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Speaker 2: all very new to me. I remember saying to one

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Speaker 2: of our kids who was acting up, you're really angry

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Speaker 2: at the moment, and they looked at me and they said,

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Speaker 2: I am not angry, and they listed all of the

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Speaker 2: emotions that they were except for anger. It was not

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Speaker 2: in there. I did not understand what they were going through.

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Speaker 2: But being able to articulate what I'm actually seeing allows

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Speaker 2: my kids to recognize that I actually see them, and

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Speaker 2: then once we've acknowledged that that's what they're feeling, asking

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Speaker 2: them or how I can help them, how I can

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Speaker 2: support them in it allows them to feel like they

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Speaker 2: actually get a say in how we work through this,

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Speaker 2: as opposed to me just coming in with a bulldozer

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Speaker 2: because I want to be the helpful parent and fix

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Speaker 2: it for them.

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Speaker 1: Well, I really appreciate sharing that, and I'm so glad

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Speaker 1: that the book is creating a few aha moments since

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Speaker 1: we've had so many conversations about it already.

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Speaker 2: What's your role do about it tomorrow?

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Speaker 3: So it mine's a series of three, but I'm going

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Speaker 3: to keep them all short because they're all actually the

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Speaker 3: same thing. So you've heard me say so many times

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Speaker 3: on the podcast and in my presentations that the three

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Speaker 3: most important words we can say to our children are

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Speaker 3: not I love you, although that's what every parent thinks

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Speaker 3: that they're supposed to say the three most important words

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Speaker 3: are no matter what.

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Speaker 2: You can only say no matter what. If you've said

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Speaker 2: those first three words.

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Speaker 3: That's right, But those three words become the most important

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Speaker 3: in the context of hearing I love you first, and

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Speaker 3: they are so important. So something that I emphasize all

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Speaker 3: the time is love that is conditional is not love.

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Speaker 3: So if you say to your child, well, I love

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Speaker 3: you so much, when you do that, your child here

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Speaker 3: is so you don't love me, then, so I don't

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Speaker 3: have unconditional love. My love is conditional upon my behavior.

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Speaker 2: Or you'll only love me if I keep doing this.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you'll only love me when. And that unconditionality is

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Speaker 3: one of the sources of great anxiety and sadness and

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Speaker 3: challenge for our children.

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Speaker 2: And you know, the challenging thing is I can't speak

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Speaker 2: for all parents, but I think that it's not actually

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Speaker 2: a question of our love. It's our ability to show

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Speaker 2: that love when we're hurting based on the choices that

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Speaker 2: our kids make. When my kids make decisions that are

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Speaker 2: different from the ones I want to make, I hurt

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Speaker 2: because I worry, because I'm fearful of what the outcomes

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Speaker 2: might be. It's not that my love changes, but that's

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Speaker 2: what the kids see.

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Speaker 3: Well, over the last week, I've had interactions with three

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Speaker 3: of our four children who are at home where things

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Speaker 3: have been really tough for them at one moment or another.

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Speaker 3: We've got our nineteen year old daughter who's going through

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Speaker 3: an enormous study slash career questioning time. She's left university,

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Speaker 3: she's applying for jobs, she's thinking about going back to school,

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Speaker 3: doing all kinds of things.

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Speaker 2: It's a teenage life crisis.

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Speaker 1: And it's wonderful. Initially I thought, oh gosh, we've got

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Speaker 1: a child who's dropping out of university. This is the

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Speaker 1: end of the world. And then I thought, no, no, no, no, no.

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Speaker 1: Great experience that she's had for the last six months,

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Speaker 1: I think you might.

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Speaker 2: Have had a parenting expert tell you that that might be.

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Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure that we did a podcast about this

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Speaker 3: while ago, but really really valuable in terms of learning.

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Speaker 1: But here she is.

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Speaker 3: She's having a really hard time the same time, she's

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Speaker 3: crashed my car and she's up for thousands of dollars

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Speaker 3: and everything in her life just feels heavy and hard

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Speaker 3: right now for her. And it was a really, really

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Speaker 3: special moment for me to go over to her and say,

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Speaker 3: you having a tough time, there's this happening, and there's

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Speaker 3: that happening. It's that whole I see you, I hear you,

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Speaker 3: I value you kind of thing that you were talking

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Speaker 3: about with your old do better tomorrow. And as we

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Speaker 3: talked it over, I gave her a hug and I said,

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Speaker 3: I don't care how many jobs you try out over

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Speaker 3: the next little while. I don't care whether you sign

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Speaker 3: up for apprenticeships or university courses or tafe or if

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Speaker 3: you just go and whatever it is that you want

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Speaker 3: to do. So long as you're looking for and working

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Speaker 3: towards something that's meaningful and fulfillment, that's the main thing

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Speaker 3: for me. But you need to know something, and that

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Speaker 3: is that, regardless of what you choose, I love you

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Speaker 3: no matter what.

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Speaker 1: And looking at.

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Speaker 3: Her face as I had that conversation with her, I

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Speaker 3: was just so special. And the way that she communicated

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Speaker 3: with me and continues to communicate with me because she

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Speaker 3: knows that I love her no matter what, is just

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Speaker 3: It's delicious as a parent to have that experience. Second,

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Speaker 3: one one of our kids is really struggling with her

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Speaker 3: weight at the moment. She has some really significant body

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Speaker 3: image issues, and she's terribly concerned about the way she

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Speaker 3: is perceived physically. One of her sisters said something cutting,

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Speaker 3: something really unkind to her, and I heard it. I

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Speaker 3: saw this daughter run away. I walked after her slowly,

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Speaker 3: and when I found her, I sat beside her and

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Speaker 3: I commented, when you hear things like that from your

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Speaker 3: sisters who are supposed to love you no matter.

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Speaker 1: What, it just it's crushing, isn't it. And I gave

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Speaker 1: her a big hug. And then I pretty much had

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Speaker 1: the same conversation. I don't care how many custard tarts

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Speaker 1: you eat. I don't care how many ice creams you eat.

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Speaker 1: I don't care how many push ups you can do.

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Speaker 1: I don't care about anything when it comes to how

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Speaker 1: you look, so long as you know that I love you,

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Speaker 1: no matter what. And again she just burst into tears

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Speaker 1: and put her head on my shoulder and cried. And

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Speaker 1: then it was like she could get up and get

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Speaker 1: on things because she had that unconditionality. She knew it.

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Speaker 1: And then one of our other kids, who deals with

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Speaker 1: a little bit of anxiety, she was struggling with some

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Speaker 1: misunderstandings about something that I had said to her. She

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Speaker 1: got an AM minus on an exam and she hadn't

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Speaker 1: even been at school to study and learn the material

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Speaker 1: because we'd been on that family holiday a few weeks back.

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Speaker 1: She got an A minus. She was so excited when

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Speaker 1: she told me. I just jokingly said a minus. I

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Speaker 1: would have thought you'd get better than that. And I chuckled,

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Speaker 1: and I thought she caught all the body language. She

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Speaker 1: saw my face.

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Speaker 3: I thought that she knew that I was kidding, and

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Speaker 3: I said, you must be really happy, and I walked

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Speaker 3: away or something like that. But whatever it was, I

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Speaker 3: didn't respond to her with enough enthusiasm, and she missed

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Speaker 3: all of the insinuated messages, all the body language messages

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Speaker 3: that I thought I was sending loud and clear. And

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Speaker 3: she had two or three nights where she didn't sleep

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Speaker 3: because she was stressed.

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Speaker 1: About how in the world she was going to get

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Speaker 1: her grades up to a level that Dad could be

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Speaker 1: proud of her. And when I went into her on

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Speaker 1: that morning, when you said to me, justin, this is

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Speaker 1: on you, and you explained a little bit, and I

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Speaker 1: went and asked her more, and she told me, she said,

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Speaker 1: I'm not sleeping because I can't get my grades high enough,

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Speaker 1: and I just can't do enough, and I don't know

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Speaker 1: how I can make you proud. And I had the

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Speaker 1: same conversation with her. I don't care if you get

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Speaker 1: c's and d's and e's and f's for the rest

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Speaker 1: of your life. I mean, I do.

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Speaker 3: I want you to have a great life, but your

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Speaker 3: value as a person isn't related to your grades. My

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Speaker 3: feelings for you are unconditional. I love you no matter.

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Speaker 1: What, regardless of the grades you get, regardless of anything.

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Speaker 1: You're my daughter.

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Speaker 3: And it was almost like I had that conversation with her,

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Speaker 3: and she got up and got on with life, and

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Speaker 3: she became a different kid almost straight away. My old

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Speaker 3: do Better Tomorrow is just the power of unconditional love

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Speaker 3: and the way that it draws our children to us.

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Speaker 3: And you know, the things that you were talking about

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Speaker 3: in your old do Better Tomorrow. It's perfect combination of concepts.

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Speaker 3: Had you, as a daughter, felt that your parents had

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Speaker 3: you unconditionally, loved you completely and unconditionally, my guess is

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Speaker 3: that you wouldn't have felt the need to push back. Instead,

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Speaker 3: you would have felt drawn to them. You would have

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Speaker 3: known that you could go to them with anything, that

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Speaker 3: they would understand anything that you had to say to them,

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Speaker 3: and that you could work things out with them, you

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Speaker 3: could problem solve and get things progressing.

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Speaker 1: No matter what. They're my three favorite words. There are

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Speaker 1: three of the most.

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Speaker 3: Important words that anybody can ever hear, and that's my

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Speaker 3: I'll do better Tomorrow. If a parent is struggling right

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Speaker 3: now as they listen to this conversation, struggling with their

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Speaker 3: relationship with their children, be warned you might fail.

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Speaker 1: It's hard to get this right. We've been practicing for

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Speaker 1: a long time. But those kids knowing, no matter what happens,

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Speaker 1: no matter how angry they are, no matter what horrible

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Speaker 1: things they do, that we've got them, no matter what,

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Speaker 1: it's just such a powerful, powerful thing to make families flourish.

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Speaker 1: So Kylie, I'm so glad you shared your ideas. That's mine.

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Speaker 3: I'll do Better Tomorrow will return next Friday at the

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Speaker 3: end of our first week of season two of Parential Guidance.

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Speaker 1: Cannot wait for this TV show? Please join us on

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Speaker 1: Monday night, Channel nine seven point thirty or catch up

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Speaker 1: on the nine now app Parental Guidance Season two just

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Speaker 1: around the corner, And of course, The Happy Family's Podcast

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Speaker 1: to be back on Monday. Oh you know what. On Monday,

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Speaker 1: We're gonna have a.

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Speaker 3: Chat with the executive producer of the show, and you,

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Speaker 3: Kylie are in the hot seat asking all the questions.

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Speaker 1: Can't wait for that. The Happy Family's Podcast is produced

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Speaker 1: by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our

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Speaker 1: executive producer. Have a great weekend and for more and

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Speaker 1: fo about making your family happier, check out my book

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Speaker 1: The Parenting Revolution. It will revolutionize your family. Or visit

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Speaker 1: us at Happy families dot com, do au