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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, I have watched over the years as you have

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Speaker 2: done a lot of traveling and I've been at home.

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Speaker 2: But I'm a lot more disciplined when you're not here

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Speaker 2: because there's no one else I rely on. I have

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Speaker 2: to do it.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast and a brand

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Speaker 3: new week. My name is doctor. I've just become the

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Speaker 3: official welcomer to the week. Kylie. I'm officially welcoming the

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Speaker 3: world to a new week.

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Speaker 2: I think you might have a bit more of a

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Speaker 2: springing step this week.

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Speaker 3: Somehow I'm feeling good about life because well, we'll talk

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Speaker 3: about that in a second. Justin Coulson, the author of

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Speaker 3: six books about raising happy families in the founder of

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Speaker 3: Happy Families dot com dot au, and Kylie, my wife

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Speaker 3: and mum to our six children. By the way, for

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Speaker 3: those of you who are wondering, yes, we knew that

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Speaker 3: we were having children. We know how it happens, which

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Speaker 3: is crazy about kids, and we love them even though

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Speaker 3: so based on our old do better tomorrow on Friday.

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Speaker 3: You might think otherwise, because, let's face it, last week

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Speaker 3: was tough. Actually, we need to make a confession because

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Speaker 3: of the way that our lives are. Sometimes we record

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Speaker 3: things a little bit in advance, and that was a

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Speaker 3: little bit in advance. Now our weeks have been a

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Speaker 3: bit topsy turvy lately, and that's what we're going to

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Speaker 3: talk about today. Kylie, missus happy families disappeared for a week.

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Speaker 2: First time I've been away.

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Speaker 3: Come on, you've had holidays. Okay, this was.

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Speaker 2: Totally Have you always had a child or you or.

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Speaker 3: You've got away with a girlfriend or something, You've had

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Speaker 3: time away, But this was a totally solo week away,

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Speaker 3: fast time, solo health retreat, gold coasts, no telephone reception,

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Speaker 3: just completely blissed out, surrounded by green space, eating vegetarian food.

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Speaker 3: Or you had a little bit of fish or something,

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Speaker 3: didn't you?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, fish, fish and white meat, being very healthy. I

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Speaker 3: was trying, trying, and how much chocolate have you had

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Speaker 3: since you came home from the health retreat?

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Speaker 2: I actually, you have only had one row of your

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Speaker 2: chocolate that you had hiding in the cupboard that I

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Speaker 2: didn't know about.

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Speaker 3: Firstly, I keep on saying don't open that cupboard. Just

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Speaker 3: don't don't open the cupboard because there's always going to

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Speaker 3: be something there. And secondly, I didn't go on the

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Speaker 3: health retreat. I didn't have the health camp. I haven't

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Speaker 3: made a commitment to my health the way you have.

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Speaker 2: I didn't actually go on the house retreat for a

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Speaker 2: health kick. I went for some space. Uh huh?

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Speaker 3: And did you get it? I did, okay, But.

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Speaker 2: You know what, it wasn't as romantic as you've made

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Speaker 2: it romantic.

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Speaker 3: I'm not there.

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Speaker 2: It was a really hard week. I've never done that.

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Speaker 2: It was really hard to be away from everyone. Well,

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Speaker 2: thank you while I was having a message seen by

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Speaker 2: the pool side, but seriously, seriously, it was it was very, very.

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Speaker 3: Confronting, confronting. It was yeh yeah ho.

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Speaker 2: So well, I've actually, in my whole twenty plus years

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Speaker 2: of mothering, there hasn't been a time where I haven't

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Speaker 2: been needed. I've always had someone who's needed me to

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Speaker 2: do things.

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Speaker 3: Even before you were mothering, I needed you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, let's not go there. I always say I have

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Speaker 2: more than sixe os.

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Speaker 3: Oh gosh, wow, Well, today we need to talk about

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Speaker 3: what I learned while you were away. So today's podcast

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Speaker 3: is actually all about the life of doctor Justin Coulson,

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Speaker 3: single parent for a week. Now, before we start, I

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Speaker 3: want to highlight number one, tremendous, enormous respect to anyone

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Speaker 3: who is a single parent, legitimately and ongoingly. I got

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Speaker 3: to do it for a week, and my insights from

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Speaker 3: that are going to be I think fun to talk

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Speaker 3: about and hopefully we'll give all of us as parents

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Speaker 3: some ideas about how we can do better in our parenting.

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Speaker 3: But I want to really really be clear that I'm

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Speaker 3: not actually a single parent, and doing it for a

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Speaker 3: week is very different to day in and day out

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Speaker 3: having to having to do the juggle but also having

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Speaker 3: to live with the emotional realities and the psychological realities

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Speaker 3: of being a single parent. So I just I just

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Speaker 3: want to be respectful to those who are doing it

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Speaker 3: all the time. But I thought today I might share

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Speaker 3: some lessons learned from you being away for a week

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Speaker 3: literally seven was it seven nights or six nights?

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Speaker 2: Seven?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I felt like it felt like every It just

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Speaker 3: felt like a long time. So Number one, my big

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Speaker 3: lesson is that the kids are capable of stepping up

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Speaker 3: like they're much more capable we know that they're able

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Speaker 3: to do things, and at home we have to harangue

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Speaker 3: them and harass them and cajole them and coerce them

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Speaker 3: into helping out. But with you being gone, I sat

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Speaker 3: down with the kids once I dropped you off, walked

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Speaker 3: in the living room and said, all right, guys, we

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Speaker 3: didn't have a conversation. Mum's gone. How's it going to be?

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Speaker 3: What are we going to do about dinners? And the

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Speaker 3: kids volunteered. They're old enough, We're fortunate enough that they

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Speaker 3: are sufficiently mature that I didn't have to cook a

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Speaker 3: meal all week. Well, actually I cooked the Sunday night

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Speaker 3: meal after I dropped you off, but other than that,

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Speaker 3: I didn't cook a meal all week. I said to them,

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Speaker 3: I've still got to work. Like I can't go on

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Speaker 3: holidays because mum's on holidays, I can't look after you

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Speaker 3: guys the house full time. We got to work together

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Speaker 3: as a team, and they stepped up. They cooked meals,

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Speaker 3: they did folding and washing, and they tidied their bedrooms,

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Speaker 3: They vacuumed floors. They even did some ironing, not much,

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Speaker 3: but they even did some ironing, and I was just amazed.

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Speaker 3: In fact, they clept their bedroom cleaner than I kept

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Speaker 3: my bedroom.

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Speaker 2: I did ask you when I got home if the

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Speaker 2: bed had been made while I was gone.

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Speaker 3: And the answer was no, no, no, no, it looked it.

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Speaker 2: Looked like it had had a hard week.

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Speaker 3: Well, only one side of the bed hadn't had a

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Speaker 3: hard week at all. I just slept on that one

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Speaker 3: side and then I'd climb up and I was like,

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Speaker 3: I'm going to get back into it tonight. No one

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Speaker 3: else is going to look at this bedroom for the

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Speaker 3: rest of the day until tonight when I walk in

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Speaker 3: exhausted from looking after all of these children, running the house,

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Speaker 3: running the business.

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Speaker 4: So we need the violin.

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Speaker 3: That's what I'm working on. Curiously, I'm sure jr. Or

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Speaker 3: will have put something in the background there, just to

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Speaker 3: highlight how hard I've had to do it while you've

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Speaker 3: been away. Second thing, second big learning that I picked

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Speaker 3: up I can drop things. I think this is really

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Speaker 3: important for all of us as parents. I remember hearing

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Speaker 3: an analogy. I think that it was from the CEO

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Speaker 3: of Coca Cola years ago. It did all the blog

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Speaker 3: rounds and the well whatever social media was at the time.

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Speaker 3: I think Facebook was only just becoming a thing like

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Speaker 3: it's that old. It was one of those email chain

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Speaker 3: things that went around in the early first decade of

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Speaker 3: the two thousands, and this Coca Cola CEO said that

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Speaker 3: in life, metaphorically, we're all juggling balls. Some of them

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Speaker 3: are rubber, they bounce. Some of them are glass they

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Speaker 3: don't bounce. And he said, sometimes the juggling gets too

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Speaker 3: much and we have to let go of some balls.

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Speaker 3: The trick is to not let go of the glass ones.

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Speaker 3: And this week I discovered that I could drop some

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Speaker 3: balls and just keep on juggling the glass ones. So

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Speaker 3: you discovered what I dropped. One of them was making

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Speaker 3: the bed. Did you notice any of the balls that

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Speaker 3: I'm allowed to drop.

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Speaker 2: Let's just say the laundry pile was a little bit

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Speaker 2: bigger than I was anticipating.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I had a feeling. You're going to mention

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Speaker 3: the laundry. Yeah, yeah, anything else.

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Speaker 2: You did a pretty good yess.

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Speaker 3: Yes, And I'm going to mention a third one just now,

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Speaker 3: the dropped No no, no, that third lesson a third

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Speaker 3: Learning from all of this, I'm mentioning this one before

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Speaker 3: the break so that I can run away from you

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Speaker 3: while the break is on and then come back and

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Speaker 3: we can get on with the podcast. But in some ways,

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Speaker 3: in some ways, I just want to be clear, not

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Speaker 3: in all ways, just in some small ways, things are

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Speaker 3: actually easier. Like routine happens when we're not together, because

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Speaker 3: when we're together, we get caught up in conversations and

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Speaker 3: you've got your agenda and I've got mine, and we're

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Speaker 3: kind of Even though we're on the same page and

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Speaker 3: we're wonderfully united as a couple, we still sometimes have

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Speaker 3: to pull in different directions, or we pull as a

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Speaker 3: couple in a direction that's not consistent with what the

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Speaker 3: rest of the family needs, because we want to catch

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Speaker 3: up about what happened, So we'll sit in the bedroom

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Speaker 3: and talk for fifteen minutes rather than being out with

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Speaker 3: the kids when they need this, or running them somewhere

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Speaker 3: and suddenly we've discovered that we're late or something like that.

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Speaker 2: I'm very happy for you to send me away anytime

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Speaker 2: you would like to just get the routine back on track.

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Speaker 2: That's fine.

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Speaker 3: Well, I mean, I just let's just.

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Speaker 2: Put it into context. Things run a lot smooth th

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Speaker 2: when you're not here.

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Speaker 3: I guess i'd asked for that, didnight.

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Speaker 2: I think what happens, and I watch it with lots

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Speaker 2: of people, is just when there's two people in the house,

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Speaker 2: there's almost this unspoken law, unspoken rule, that there's somebody

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Speaker 2: there to pick up the pieces, to pick up the slack,

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Speaker 2: to fill in.

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Speaker 3: The gap that might be what it is, and so.

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Speaker 2: You don't feel like you have to run a marathon

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Speaker 2: in a day because there's someone else there who's got

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Speaker 2: your back.

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Speaker 3: Do you see how you've spun this around. I've said

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Speaker 3: that when you're not here, I can run the routine

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Speaker 3: better and things don't fall through the cracks. But what

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Speaker 3: you've really said is, Justin, when we're both here, you're

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Speaker 3: lazy picking up the slack.

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Speaker 2: I have watched over the years, as you have done

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Speaker 2: a lot of traveling and I've been at home that

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Speaker 2: I'm a lot more disciplined when you're not here because

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Speaker 2: there's no one else I rely on. I have to

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Speaker 2: do it.

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Speaker 3: That's precisely that's bring we're together.

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Speaker 2: There's almost a sense of relax because it's like it's okay,

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Speaker 2: Justin's here. He's here to help.

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Speaker 3: Okay, he's here to talk to me and hug me

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Speaker 3: and take me away from the routine. And all this stuff,

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Speaker 3: and so you're blaming me, I'm blaming you. Maybe we

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Speaker 3: should both move out. Seriously, after the break, I'm going

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Speaker 3: to share my last learning of what it's like to

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Speaker 3: go single dad with five kids for a week. And Kylie,

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Speaker 3: did you lose one? Well, we've got one actually, do

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Speaker 3: you know what? Even our oldest she came home for

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Speaker 3: a night or two. Her husband's away working and so

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Speaker 3: she was feeling a bit lonely. She came and stayed

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Speaker 3: as well. I had six kids that I looked.

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Speaker 2: Stuff that might have been on an errand.

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Speaker 3: You can't believe you said that. As a Happy Family's

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Speaker 3: podcast with Justin and Kylie, It's the Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having

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Speaker 4: to feel bad. Are in trouble? The do's and don'ts

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Speaker 4: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits

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Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies

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Speaker 4: dot com dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we

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Speaker 2: are enjoying a wonderful look into single life for Justin.

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Speaker 2: After a week of me being away.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and we've been talking about those lessons that I've learned.

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Speaker 3: Kids are capable, I can drop things, and the routine

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Speaker 3: actually works better when you're on your own because there's

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Speaker 3: nine to pick up the slack. That's really what it

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Speaker 3: came at it. I'd started by insulting you, you insulted me,

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Speaker 3: but that's where we've ended up. So I had one

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Speaker 3: more life lesson that really struck me while you were gone.

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Speaker 3: But I'm wondering, while you were gone and looking at

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Speaker 3: all of this, what life lessons did you come up

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Speaker 3: with when it comes to me being here running things

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Speaker 3: on my own?

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Speaker 2: I had a couple. The first one for me was

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Speaker 2: that when you are used to being in control, letting

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Speaker 2: go is really hard. And the thought of leaving my

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Speaker 2: five children behind with you on your own was hard

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Speaker 2: for me.

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Speaker 3: As we were driving to the Gold Coast, you were

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Speaker 3: actually saying, is sure going to be okay? You know

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Speaker 3: you've got to do this? Yeah? Like it? I could.

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Speaker 3: I could tell you didn't want it was almost like

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Speaker 3: you didn't want to relinquish.

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Speaker 2: It actually has nothing to do with you and your capacity,

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Speaker 2: and everything to do with my mother heart. Not ever

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Speaker 2: wanting to be in a position where I'm not there

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Speaker 2: for my children if they need me, And that was

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Speaker 2: really hard. It was really hard knowing that I'm gone

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Speaker 2: for a whole week and normally I can at least

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Speaker 2: make a phone call, where I didn't even really have

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Speaker 2: the option to do that. So I had a whole

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Speaker 2: week of radio silence from all of you. And so

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Speaker 2: the realization for me was just that process of letting

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Speaker 2: go was actually way harder than I thought it was

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Speaker 2: going to be because I've been asking for that week

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Speaker 2: away for nearly twenty years.

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Speaker 3: Oh, come on, twenty years really, actually, you probably have

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Speaker 3: It was nearly twenty years ago that I went and

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Speaker 3: did it, that's right, Yeah, yeah, but I did it

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Speaker 3: as part of study and we didn't have to pay

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Speaker 3: for it.

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Speaker 2: You still got it, Billy, twenty years ago.

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Speaker 3: But I was working on that week away at that

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Speaker 3: health retreat, having that time off. Did you have anything

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Speaker 3: else that really stood out to you?

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Speaker 2: Well, I guess as part of that process was just

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Speaker 2: this realization that my way of doing things isn't the

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Speaker 2: only way to do it, and that I needed to

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Speaker 2: learn to trust in the process.

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Speaker 3: Well, you say that, you sorry, you say that, but

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Speaker 3: when you came home and you saw the way the

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Speaker 3: kids had folded the clothes, you stepped straight back into No,

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Speaker 3: there is only one way to do this, and it's

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Speaker 3: my way.

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Speaker 2: I didn't in the bedroom, nobody saw.

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Speaker 3: But anyway, I took you off tangent you trusting in

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Speaker 3: the process, is what you're saying.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes I think that as parents, and I'm going to

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Speaker 2: specifically say me as a mum, I don't allow the

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Speaker 2: space for you as dad to actually step in and

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Speaker 2: have these beautiful moments with our girls. Yeah, and so

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Speaker 2: learning to let go, recognizing that my way is not

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Speaker 2: the only way to do things, and then just trusting

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Speaker 2: in the process of me being gone and you being

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Speaker 2: the capable dad that you are to just have the

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Speaker 2: week unfold the way it needed to and whatever that

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Speaker 2: looked like that was going to be okay.

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Speaker 3: I love that learning. I think that any parent listening

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Speaker 3: to this conversation, especially any mum, could take so much

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Speaker 3: from that. I hear from mums of little ones, like

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Speaker 3: kids with separation anxiety because they're only twelve or eighteen

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Speaker 3: months old or ten months old, whatever it is, and

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Speaker 3: these kids are like mums will say, I can't put

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Speaker 3: the child down and walk out of the house without

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Speaker 3: them losing the plot. And so therefore Dad doesn't do

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Speaker 3: anything because I'm at the top of the attachment hierarchy,

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Speaker 3: and I keep on saying, sometimes you just need to

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Speaker 3: put the child down and walk out. He or she

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Speaker 3: will stop crying within I don't know a mineral two.

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Speaker 3: It might go for three or four minutes. But just

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Speaker 3: go to the shops, go and catch up with your girlfriend,

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Speaker 3: go and do that stuff, and let Dad figure it out.

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Speaker 3: Trust that it's going to be okay because he is

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Speaker 3: number two on the attachment hierarchy, and once the child

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Speaker 3: realizes with a little bit of love from dad at

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Speaker 3: that age, it's going to be okay. And I reckon

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Speaker 3: there's some really really great wisdom there. I'm glad that

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Speaker 3: you said that. I'm actually also going to add from

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Speaker 3: a couple's point of view, we actually made a decision

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Speaker 3: early on in our relationship that we were never going

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Speaker 3: to go on solo holidays. We knew some couples that

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Speaker 3: were doing that, and he would go off on the

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Speaker 3: surfing trip and she would go away on a cruise

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Speaker 3: with a girlfriends. And there were at different times of

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Speaker 3: the year as well, so because they had kids, right,

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Speaker 3: so it's like they were actually separating for that week

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Speaker 3: or that two weeks so they could go and have

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Speaker 3: their individual holidays. And I remember looking at you the

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Speaker 3: first time we heard about that and we were like what, Like,

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Speaker 3: who would do that? And I still hate the idea

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Speaker 3: of you being gone. I really didn't like being away

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Speaker 3: from you for that week while you were off having

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Speaker 3: a holiday. It was really hard, not because you're a

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Speaker 3: holda but because I missed you and I wanted to

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Speaker 3: have the shared experience with you. But in terms of

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Speaker 3: that process stuff that you're talking about, I really think

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Speaker 3: that there's value in it. And while I'm not going

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Speaker 3: to suggest that we make it a regular thing, I

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Speaker 3: think that a semi regular thing is good for you

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Speaker 3: and for me, and it's good for the kids as well,

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Speaker 3: because they get to see, they get to adapt, they

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Speaker 3: get to adjust to whatever it's going to be while

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Speaker 3: that happens.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think, you know, thinking back on those experiences

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Speaker 2: that we've had over the years, and the thoughts and

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Speaker 2: processes that we've gone through as we've seen other people

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Speaker 2: choose to do this, and the reality is I missed

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Speaker 2: being with you in such a big way and wanted

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Speaker 2: to share all of the experiences that I was having

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Speaker 2: with you. But as I watched other couples that were there,

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Speaker 2: what I actually saw was a disengage from the whole

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Speaker 2: experience because they were so focused on each other. And

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Speaker 2: what happened with all of the single women and single

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Speaker 2: men that were on the retreat with me was that

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Speaker 2: we actually got to develop a relationship together that we

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Speaker 2: wouldn't have had had we had our significant other with us.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you made new friends because it.

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Speaker 2: Opened up my experience and enlarged the opportunities that I

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Speaker 2: had as a result. And I think what I got

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Speaker 2: out of it was just I just had such a

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Speaker 2: deep need to have, you know, other sister hearts that

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Speaker 2: could nurture me and experience things with me in a

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Speaker 2: different way, and it was it was enlarging.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, great to hear. My last lesson was just how

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Speaker 3: grateful I am for you. You do so much and

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Speaker 3: as a as a dad to all these kids and

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Speaker 3: your husband for all these years. I mean, I work

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Speaker 3: really hard to make sure that you know that I

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Speaker 3: don't take you for granted, that I appreciate all of

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Speaker 3: the incredible things that you do for our family. But boy,

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Speaker 3: a boy, with you being gone and actually having to

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Speaker 3: do my best to muddle through and get all that

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Speaker 3: stuff done that I can normally rely on you for,

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Speaker 3: it just made me grateful. So I'm really glad you're home,

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Speaker 3: even if you are stealing my chocolate out of my

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Speaker 3: secret stash cupboard. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by

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Speaker 3: Justin Ruwan from Bridge Media. Creig Bruce is our executive producer,

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Speaker 3: and if you'd like more info about making your family happier,

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Speaker 3: we love it when you visit happy families dot com

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Speaker 3: dot a U, because a happy family doesn't just happen