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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: wants answers.

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Speaker 3: Now, the kids are hearing things, they're seeing things, and

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Speaker 3: they really rely on us to give them great information

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Speaker 3: and to talk about this in a helpful way.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: All right, okay, before we start today's podcasts. Well, this

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Speaker 3: is not one of those sponsored moments. This is a

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Speaker 3: legitimate we're talking to parents right now before we get

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Speaker 3: into today's podcast.

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Speaker 1: At trigger warning, I don't know trigger warning is the

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Speaker 1: right word.

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Speaker 3: Maybe just a sensitive content warning that might be better.

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Speaker 3: This podcast is not rated explicit, but we are going

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Speaker 3: to be talking about a lot of themes in today's

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Speaker 3: podcast that would be what parent discretion might be advised.

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Speaker 3: If you normally listen to this podcast in the car

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Speaker 3: with the kids on the way to school, and they're

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Speaker 3: listening right now, I'm going to guess that you're gonna

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Speaker 3: have a lot to talk about after this podcast. You

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Speaker 3: might want to press pause and wait till the kids

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Speaker 3: are out of the car before you listen to the

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Speaker 3: rest of it.

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Speaker 1: But you don't have to.

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Speaker 3: We're just we're just letting you know, parent discretion advice.

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Speaker 3: We're going to be talking about salt and pepper saying

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Speaker 3: about it.

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Speaker 2: So this is a bit of a hot topic because

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Speaker 2: I don't know too many parents who feel comfortable having

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Speaker 2: conversations about sex with their kids.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and I kind of feel like we're becoming the

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Speaker 3: sex parents. And I'm a bit uncomfortable even saying that,

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Speaker 3: because that's that that could promote all of the wrong things.

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Speaker 3: But you'll understand what we mean in just a sec.

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Speaker 3: By the way, I'm justin and I'm here with Kylie,

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Speaker 3: my wife up to our six kids on the founder

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Speaker 3: of happy Families dot com dot i U. We have

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Speaker 3: been getting a number of messages over the last couple

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Speaker 3: of months as we talk about our sex conversations that

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Speaker 3: we have with our kids. The email is podcasts at

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Speaker 3: happy families dot com dot AU, and basically people are saying,

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Speaker 3: how do you do this? Like, what's the deal? Why?

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Speaker 3: How where do I start? That's the general gist of

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Speaker 3: the the emails. Not going to read any of them

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Speaker 3: out it in particular, but has been quite a number,

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Speaker 3: so Kylie I thought we should explain it. Yesterday was

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Speaker 3: the first Sunday of the month. And every first Sunday

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Speaker 3: of the month, we sit down with the kids and

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Speaker 3: we literally have a conversation with them about all things intimacy.

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Speaker 2: You know, we haven't always done it on the first

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Speaker 2: Sunday of the month. Over the years, we've obviously had

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Speaker 2: conversations that are age appropriate for our children, as we've

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Speaker 2: introduced intimacy and sex in particular, and where babies come from.

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Speaker 2: All of those kinds of conversations we've had over the

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Speaker 2: course of their childhood, right so that now as teenagers,

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Speaker 2: we're actually able to get into a lot more I

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Speaker 2: guess of the intimate details around physical intimacy.

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Speaker 3: Well, you're going to say the ins and outs there,

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Speaker 3: and I was going to say, is that really appropriate?

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Speaker 1: But you didn't.

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Speaker 3: And now I'm so sorry I just went there. I

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Speaker 3: can't believe I did that. I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 2: Well, obviously everybody now knows who runs these conversations seriously.

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Speaker 1: Okay, all right, fine, fine.

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Speaker 3: What's interesting though, is, even though we've had regular conversations

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Speaker 3: with our kids over the years, now that we've started

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Speaker 3: doing this every month as of this year, it's interesting

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Speaker 3: how they don't remember us talking to them about a

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Speaker 3: lot of the stuff that we're now talking about. Like,

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Speaker 3: our soon to be twelve year old doesn't remember us

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Speaker 3: having any conversations about intimacy at all, even though we've

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Speaker 3: had at least three really solid conversations with her about

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Speaker 3: she scammed yeah big time, and yet no recollection.

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Speaker 1: Just can't remember talking about it all. This is all

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Speaker 1: news to her.

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Speaker 3: So we're going to open up the Coulson Family living

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Speaker 3: room today and share a couple of ideas that might

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Speaker 3: be helpful so that you can have really valuable conversations

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Speaker 3: with your kids about issues of intimacy to keep them safe.

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Speaker 3: The first thing is that, as uncomfortable as it can

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Speaker 3: be for some parents, once you get started, it's amazingly

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Speaker 3: easy to be really open.

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Speaker 1: It's just starting.

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Speaker 3: It's kind of like that three seconds of courage to

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Speaker 3: run and jump off the high diving board. You just

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Speaker 3: got to make the commitment and dive in, and once

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Speaker 3: you're in the air, you're flying.

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Speaker 2: I think sometimes as parents we kind of we're concerned

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Speaker 2: about sharing too much or not enough, or not having

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Speaker 2: the right words to kind of put into context for children.

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Speaker 2: And I think the most important thing that we've leaned

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Speaker 2: on is the fact that with their parents we absolutely

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Speaker 2: love and adore them and want the very best for them,

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Speaker 2: and so therefore we've got the best motives in the

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Speaker 2: kinds of conversations and the content that we're sharing with them.

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Speaker 2: And as a result, because we believe that this is

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Speaker 2: such an important dialogue to be having with our kids,

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Speaker 2: it's easy to have it.

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Speaker 1: I love the way you said that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And the kids respond when they see the confidence

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Speaker 2: with which we're able to speak about it and our

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Speaker 2: encouragement to ask the questions even though it feels weird

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Speaker 2: and funny to be talking to mom and dad about

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Speaker 2: these things. Because we have confidence in our ability to

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Speaker 2: talk to them and we feel so passionately about the

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Speaker 2: importance of positive intimate relationships, they have a confidence in

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Speaker 2: asking the questions.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm so glad you said that. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: The reality is, you, as a parent, know more than

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Speaker 3: your kids. Even if they've been exposed to all sorts

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Speaker 3: of explicit content online, they don't know what you know.

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Speaker 1: As a parent.

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Speaker 3: You've got years and years and years of experience with

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Speaker 3: the actual engagement with physical intimacy. In most cases, Whereas

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Speaker 3: even if kids have been viewing explicit content, if they've

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Speaker 3: been viewing pornography that doesn't necessarily mean that they have

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Speaker 3: any experience, doesn't actually translate to knowledge.

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Speaker 1: They've just seen stuff.

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Speaker 3: I remember somebody recently I was talking to oh I

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Speaker 3: was having a conversation with me of Friedman, and she said,

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Speaker 3: kids who watch explicit content online pornography and then think

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Speaker 3: that's what you do. It's kind of like watching formula

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Speaker 3: on racing and then thinking that's how you drive a car. Totally,

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Speaker 3: totally not right. Now, there's a couple of problems with

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Speaker 3: that analogy, but suitable for this discussion. So basically, we

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Speaker 3: let the kids ahead of time. Hey guys, this Sunday,

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Speaker 3: it's the first Sunday of the month. Got three or

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Speaker 3: four days to get ready for it. We're going to

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Speaker 3: be having our family conversation about sex and intimacy. It's

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Speaker 3: going to be at this time of the day and

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Speaker 3: we're going to talk about and then we tell them

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Speaker 3: what the topic is. It might be a general conversation

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Speaker 3: about sex. It might be about pornography. It could be

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Speaker 3: about what you might call quote unquote divergent sexual activities,

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Speaker 3: things that are not the norm.

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Speaker 1: It could be.

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Speaker 3: About whatever you want. It could just be about emotional intimacy.

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Speaker 3: It could be about how our bodies.

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Speaker 1: Function, how our bodies respond, how our bodies respond exactly.

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Speaker 3: And so when the kids know that that's happening, we

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Speaker 3: encourage them to come with their questions, to show up

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Speaker 3: and ask. They rarely do ask questions, but like you said,

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Speaker 3: they feel confident asking because we're confident having the conversation

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Speaker 3: and they know that we're probably going to be able

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Speaker 3: to give them a better answer that they would find

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Speaker 3: anywhere else. I should also mention the reason that we

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Speaker 3: do this. I talk to far too many parents, far

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Speaker 3: too many kids, far too many teachers, far too many

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Speaker 3: people across the psychological and child welfare spectrum who tell

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Speaker 3: me story after story after story of the pain that's

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Speaker 3: inflicted on both girls and boys when they make unsafe

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Speaker 3: or unhealthy decisions around sexual intimacy. And when you hear

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Speaker 3: the stories about maybe the girl who hates herself and

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Speaker 3: her body and feels like she's the problem because because

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Speaker 3: she was in a situation where a boy has hurt her.

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Speaker 1: You hear those stories as parents have daughters, were like,

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Speaker 1: we need.

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Speaker 3: To protect, we need to talk, We need to have

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Speaker 3: these conversations to help them to guide themselves. Well, so

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Speaker 3: that's why we're doing it. After the break, we're going

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Speaker 3: to talk about specifics around what we talk about, how

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Speaker 3: we bring the conversations up, and where the conversations can

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Speaker 3: go so that you can have these productive and effective

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Speaker 3: conversations with your kids.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 4: Are Screens Creating Tension at Home? Betweens? Teens and Screens?

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Speaker 4: Is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.

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Speaker 4: Bye today at happy families dot com dot are you

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Speaker 4: slash shop?

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers? Now, what are other

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Speaker 2: things that we focus on when we're speaking with our kids.

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Speaker 3: Well, we've only done this once, but I think we

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Speaker 3: need to do it more. Snacks are great.

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Speaker 2: It takes the edge of it for everyone, doesn't it. It

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Speaker 2: just kind of makes it a little bit more cash.

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Speaker 1: No, No, we don't drink alcohol.

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Speaker 3: But when you say takes the edge off, it's amazing

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Speaker 3: what a chocolate milkhake will do to take the edge

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Speaker 3: off when it covers to a conversation. Well, at least

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Speaker 3: they show up, right, that's exactly right. So, but we

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Speaker 3: make a day. They know that it's the first Sunday

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Speaker 3: of every month. We make sure and we're going to

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Speaker 3: do better at this that there are snacks or something

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Speaker 3: to just make it a little bit more enjoyable, Like

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Speaker 3: we're not sitting down to have this intense, crazy heavy discussion.

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Speaker 1: I've already mentioned. We pick a topic and we prep

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Speaker 1: the kids. You know what else we do.

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Speaker 3: I've noticed every single time we've had these conversations, we

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Speaker 3: really emphasize the.

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Speaker 1: Positive aspects of sex and intimacy.

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Speaker 3: We talk about how great it is and how healthy

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Speaker 3: it is, and how wonderful it is with the right conditions.

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Speaker 3: So Aristotle once spoke about anger and said, anyone can

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Speaker 3: be angry, but to be angry to the right degree,

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Speaker 3: for the right reason, at the right person, et cetera,

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Speaker 3: et cetera, that takes real skill. And I think that

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Speaker 3: it's the same message that we want to give our kids.

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Speaker 3: Anyone can be sexually intimate, but to be sexually intimate

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Speaker 3: with the right person at the right time, to the

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Speaker 3: right degree, for the right reasons, that takes a lot

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Speaker 3: of skill. It takes a lot of intention, a lot

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Speaker 3: of thought, And I really I think that what we've

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Speaker 3: really worked hard on is getting that intentionality right and

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Speaker 3: sharing a sex positive message rather than scaring the kids

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Speaker 3: and saying this is terrible and this is what happens,

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Speaker 3: and if you do the wrong thing, you're going to

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Speaker 3: end up pregnant or you're going to end up diseased

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Speaker 3: or whatever. We really maintain a positive focus.

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Speaker 2: I remember being a young mom and watch the movie

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Speaker 2: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, what a great movie, Such a.

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Speaker 2: Great movie, but it has stuck with me because one

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Speaker 2: of the young girls in there, she thought she was

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Speaker 2: in love with this guy and decided that she was

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Speaker 2: going to give herself to him and that it was

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Speaker 2: going to, you know, be this transformational moment in her life.

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Speaker 2: And once the event was over, she kind of came

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Speaker 2: away and just felt like.

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Speaker 1: She was so lost.

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Speaker 2: She thought that this was going to prove that she

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Speaker 2: was a big person, that she was an adult, that

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Speaker 2: she'd kind of matured enough to be her own person,

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Speaker 2: and yet what she actually felt like was that he'd

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Speaker 2: taken from her.

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Speaker 3: I'm so glad you said that, and I reckon, we

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Speaker 3: should talk about this on our next Sunday, like our

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Speaker 3: next first Sunday of the month. For what is it

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Speaker 3: for April? Because when I was talking to Mia, that

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Speaker 3: was the conversation we had. We didn't talk about Sisterhood

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Speaker 3: of the Traveling Pants, but she said when she was

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Speaker 3: raising her boys, she made sure that she made or

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Speaker 3: she still got a thirteen year old boy at the moment,

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Speaker 3: but she said, and I just love this. She said,

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Speaker 3: sex is not something that you take. It's something that

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Speaker 3: you give. And if you whether you're a boy or

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Speaker 3: a girl, if you're engaging in this relationship so that

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Speaker 3: you can take something, then you're doing it the wrong way.

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Speaker 2: I think the main thing to remember as a parent,

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Speaker 2: especially if this is the first time, Yes, just start right,

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Speaker 2: Just start having a conversation.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, really really important too, because so many parents will

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Speaker 3: say I just don't know what to say, and so

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Speaker 3: you say, well, I'm not really sure what to say,

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Speaker 3: Like you could literally say that to your kids. If

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Speaker 3: you or my daughter, I'd say, Kylie, I'm not really

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Speaker 3: sure what to say. But I want to have a

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Speaker 3: conversation with you about intimacy and I want to tell

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Speaker 3: you how great it is, but I also want to

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Speaker 3: tell you how it can be used the wrong way.

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Speaker 1: And we want to help you to be safe.

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Speaker 2: What are you seeing in the playground? Yeah, and it's

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Speaker 2: a really simple thing because they'll have friends. If they're

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Speaker 2: not doing it, they'll have friends and they'll be seeing

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Speaker 2: the dynamic that's playing out in the playground as a result.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, what an important thing.

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Speaker 3: The kids are hearing things, they're seeing things, and they

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Speaker 3: really rely on us to give them great information and

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Speaker 3: to talk about this in a helpful way.

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Speaker 2: How we talk or we feel about things actually guides

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Speaker 2: them in their process.

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Speaker 1: Oh.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, and if we've got an open, comfortable stance

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Speaker 3: where we're regularly checking in and giving them the opportunity

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Speaker 3: to have these conversations.

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Speaker 1: You're so right. The way we talk to them is

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Speaker 1: so important.

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Speaker 2: The only other thing that I would add to this

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Speaker 2: is in the conversations that we have with our children

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Speaker 2: around consent. And that's a huge part of I'm going

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Speaker 2: to say, judy as a parent, to help our children

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Speaker 2: understand what it actually means to be consensual.

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Speaker 1: Yep.

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Speaker 2: I can say yes to full on passion you and

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Speaker 2: making out with you, but that doesn't mean that I'm

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Speaker 2: saying yes to you know, groping or getting undressed or.

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Speaker 1: Anything that comes after that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And our children, and I'm calling them children because

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Speaker 2: we're they're seventeen or nineteen or there's two.

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Speaker 1: Three, they're my children.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, they need to understand that they're not saying yes

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Speaker 2: to everything, and they get to make their mind up

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Speaker 2: as they go along, and they have the right to

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Speaker 2: change their mind at any point if they feel uncomfortable.

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Speaker 3: Well, we have done a podcast previously about consent, but

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Speaker 3: maybe in the next couple of months we might have

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Speaker 3: a conversation like that with our kids again, and we'll

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Speaker 3: report back on the podcast and give everyone some ideas

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Speaker 3: around that. We really hope that today's podcast has been helpful.

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Speaker 3: I know that I've really appreciated what you've said, Kylie.

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Speaker 3: I think that there's been some really really important points made.

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Speaker 1: We're always grateful to Justin roll On and Craig Bruce.

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Speaker 3: They're the guys that make the podcast sound as good

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Speaker 3: as it does and give us the guidance to help

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Speaker 3: it to reach more people in more effective ways. Thank

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Speaker 3: you for listening to the Happy Families podcast. If you'd

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Speaker 3: like more information about making your family happier, you can

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Speaker 3: find it on our Facebook page Doctor Justin Coulston's Happy Families.

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Speaker 3: Oh and if you work in a school, or if

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Speaker 3: you'd like your school to have me run a session

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Speaker 3: on sex consent and staying safe. You can get all

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Speaker 3: the information about that and get in touch at happy

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Speaker 3: families dot com, dot i u