1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,160 Speaker 1: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Yes, I'm 2 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:11,440 Speaker 1: being cheesy, I'm quoting a song. I couldn't help it 3 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,239 Speaker 1: because today it's a tricky question about kids and their 4 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:19,239 Speaker 1: lies and oh boy, do they tell some porky pies today. 5 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,520 Speaker 1: A tricky question from a mum who wants to know 6 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:24,600 Speaker 1: why her eight year old cannot tell the truth about 7 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 1: simple stuff, even when the truth is staring them right 8 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,880 Speaker 1: in the face. The Happy Family's Podcast we'll answer that 9 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:35,800 Speaker 1: question for you next stay with us. Hello and welcome 10 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,920 Speaker 1: to The Happy Family's podcast, where you get real parenting 11 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,440 Speaker 1: solutions every single day. The Happy Family's Podcast is Australia's 12 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 1: most downloaded parenting podcast. Thank you so much for listening 13 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:47,360 Speaker 1: and downloading and supporting your family as best you can. 14 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,720 Speaker 1: Every Tuesday on The Happy Family's Pod, we answer your 15 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 1: tricky questions. They can be about family stuff, relationships, well being. 16 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,440 Speaker 1: It can be about screens or discipline. It doesn't really 17 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 1: matter what it is. Just send us a voice note 18 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,280 Speaker 1: and will answer the question. Send your voice notes via 19 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,880 Speaker 1: email to podcasts at Happy families dot com. Do you 20 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:08,240 Speaker 1: or use the super simple system at Happy families dot com. 21 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:11,560 Speaker 1: Do you to send us your message? Just like Katie 22 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:12,319 Speaker 1: from Brisbane. 23 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,400 Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Kylie. We have a situation where our 24 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,440 Speaker 2: eight year old boy is being a bit sneaky and 25 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:21,240 Speaker 2: lying to us, and he's never done it before. It's 26 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:23,679 Speaker 2: just little things at the moment, like watching television when 27 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,320 Speaker 2: we've told him no, or sneaking lollies and treats when 28 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,480 Speaker 2: he's not allowed, and then flat out lying to our 29 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,800 Speaker 2: faces when we question him about it. And We've had 30 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,679 Speaker 2: a few chats to him, but I was just wondering 31 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,440 Speaker 2: if you could offer a little bit of advice about 32 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 2: what to say to him. I kind of want to 33 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,040 Speaker 2: get through to him now before that tiny stuff becomes 34 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:43,320 Speaker 2: big stuff as he gets older. Thanks so much, Katie. 35 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 2: I'm thinking about the first time we ever went through this. 36 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 2: Our oldest daughter was probably four or five, and she 37 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 2: came home from the Nape House you've been playing there 38 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,040 Speaker 2: in that afternoon and I could hear some jingling in 39 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 2: her pocket and I asked her what was in it, 40 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,640 Speaker 2: and she said, oh, nothing, And I said. 41 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:04,800 Speaker 3: To Li, I said, let me have a look at 42 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 3: that nuffy and I pulled out a handful of fives 43 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,440 Speaker 3: and tens and twenty cent pieces and I was like 44 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,680 Speaker 3: where did you get that from? She said, Oh, my 45 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,880 Speaker 3: friend gave it to me. And I thought, hmm, maybe 46 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,160 Speaker 3: we should go talk to your friend's mom, And so 47 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,480 Speaker 3: we went back over and she was very sheepist, and 48 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:25,079 Speaker 3: she handed the money back over. And in that moment, 49 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:28,000 Speaker 3: all I could think about was I had this daughter 50 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:32,919 Speaker 3: who had clearly been dishonest. She'd lied to me, and 51 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 3: she'd obviously. 52 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,640 Speaker 1: Like to her friends and stolen, and. 53 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:39,800 Speaker 3: She had stolen. And the catastrophizing that took place in 54 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 3: that moment, I was the worst parent in the world. 55 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,160 Speaker 3: My neighbor wasn't going to let her play with her 56 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 3: daughter ever again. She was going to think I was 57 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,680 Speaker 3: the worst person in the world. And then I'd fast 58 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,560 Speaker 3: forwarded and I was going to be at the police 59 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:55,240 Speaker 3: station with her. And it was just this really big 60 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:59,799 Speaker 3: moment in time, and I felt so heavy with it all. 61 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 3: And yet now sitting in the chair, having gone through 62 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:08,000 Speaker 3: six children of lies and all the things that come 63 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 3: with dishonesty, and I realize now just how seemingly I 64 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,079 Speaker 3: don't want to say insignificant, it's not insignificant, but it's 65 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:21,720 Speaker 3: not the big deal that I thought it was in 66 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:22,519 Speaker 3: the moment. 67 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 1: Let's have a look at some stats. There is data 68 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: on this. Researchers have calculated and analyzed and research because 69 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,919 Speaker 1: that's what they do. The average two year old, or 70 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:34,240 Speaker 1: about about twenty five percent of them lie, About fifty 71 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,200 Speaker 1: percent of three year olds lie. So lying is actually 72 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: a cognitive development, like it shows cognitive sophistication. I know that, and. 73 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,600 Speaker 3: I'm going to have to come up with some good lies. 74 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 1: I know that. 75 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 3: Clearly I'm not thinking sophisticatedly enough. 76 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,119 Speaker 1: Well, you think about it. If you can tell a lie, 77 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,400 Speaker 1: that means that you've got the ability to identify what's 78 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,560 Speaker 1: going on in your mind and also the ability to 79 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 1: identify what's happening in another person's mind, and then you're 80 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 1: able to plan, You're able to inhibit, you're able to regulate. 81 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,000 Speaker 3: And hopefully keep track of the lines. 82 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,120 Speaker 1: Well, that's right. There are different levels of lye and typically, 83 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,760 Speaker 1: like if you ask a two or three year old 84 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,080 Speaker 1: to tell you the truth about something, Let's say they've 85 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 1: got chocolate cake all over their face and in their 86 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 1: hands because they're still in the middle of eating it, 87 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,520 Speaker 1: and you say, did you eat the chocolate cake? They 88 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,680 Speaker 1: will look at you and because they have limited cognitive 89 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,599 Speaker 1: sophistication because they do not inhibit well and they don't 90 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:26,279 Speaker 1: understand other people's mental states. They all hide the chocolate 91 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 1: behind their back and mull say no. And it's quite 92 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,160 Speaker 1: obvious that, which actually reminds me. When you catch your 93 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 1: children doing the wrong thing, do not ask them what 94 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,480 Speaker 1: they're doing or if they've done it. Just tell them 95 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:37,920 Speaker 1: what you can see. Otherwise you end up getting in 96 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,039 Speaker 1: trouble for lying as well. Anyway, I digress. So by 97 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,919 Speaker 1: four around about ninet percent of kids are lying, and 98 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,719 Speaker 1: that's because they're starting to develop bit by bit that 99 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:50,920 Speaker 1: thing called theory of mind, which is understanding perspective other 100 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:54,279 Speaker 1: people's perspective that something's going on inside your brain that's 101 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:56,680 Speaker 1: different to what's happening in my brain. By the age 102 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 1: of seven or eight, the data shows that approximately one 103 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,160 Speaker 1: hundred percent of kids are telling lies. And now that 104 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,239 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they're all coc. 105 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,640 Speaker 3: What you're saying is there is no hope that your 106 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,080 Speaker 3: child is going to lie. 107 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 1: Well, yeah, I mean to quote house. Everybody liespially, and 108 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,160 Speaker 1: mostly they lie because they don't want to get in trouble, 109 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,360 Speaker 1: because they want stuff, and the big people in their 110 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,159 Speaker 1: lives telling them that they can't have it like TV 111 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:20,600 Speaker 1: or snacks, just like Katie said. 112 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,600 Speaker 3: So it's a comfort zone though, right. They like their 113 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,280 Speaker 3: life the way it is, and if they tell the truth, 114 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 3: then that comfort gets taken away because they don't get 115 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,599 Speaker 3: to do the thing they want to do. But there's 116 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,880 Speaker 3: always there's also friction in the relationship. 117 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. So there are two things that I 118 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 1: need to really emphasize here. I think that the most 119 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,240 Speaker 1: important things you can know when it comes to your 120 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,480 Speaker 1: child lying, particularly when they're under those adolescent years. Okay, 121 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 1: so we're talking about somewhere between five and ten, maybe 122 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:50,279 Speaker 1: five and twelve. First off, I mean this applies for 123 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: older kids and even adults as well, but this is 124 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,280 Speaker 1: especially important in these early years. First Off, the more 125 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,200 Speaker 1: harsh you are in the way that you respond to lying, 126 00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:00,960 Speaker 1: so the more the more punitive you are, the more 127 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:05,440 Speaker 1: punishment there is, the more you're likely to get more 128 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: lies from your child. Your child is more likely, not 129 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,920 Speaker 1: less likely to lie, and that's basically because they don't 130 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 1: want to get in trouble and so they lie more 131 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 1: to conceal more. It's not that they become better kids 132 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,599 Speaker 1: so they don't get in trouble. They still want the treat, 133 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,400 Speaker 1: they still want the TV, they still want YouTube, they 134 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,479 Speaker 1: still want roadblocks, they still want the stuff you're saying 135 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 1: no to. They just get sneakier and sneakier and more 136 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:26,679 Speaker 1: skilled at either getting it or deceiving you once they've 137 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:31,400 Speaker 1: had it. Data shows that the more you endorse harsh 138 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,960 Speaker 1: punitive measures, the more likely it is that your kids 139 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,400 Speaker 1: will lie because they know they're going to get in trouble, 140 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 1: and lying is literally I don't want to get in trouble. 141 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,679 Speaker 1: That's why this is my opportunity to signal how awesome 142 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,520 Speaker 1: a parent I've tried to be, and I've gotten it 143 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,800 Speaker 1: wrong more than I want to acknowledge. But that's why 144 00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 1: I try really hard not to get our kids in trouble. 145 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,280 Speaker 1: I don't want our kids to see us as people 146 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:54,600 Speaker 1: who are going to get mad at them every time 147 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,040 Speaker 1: they do the wrong thing or choose, like you said, 148 00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:01,160 Speaker 1: comfort over our austere measure like no, you can't have 149 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:02,840 Speaker 1: that treat and that ice cream that's in the fridge. 150 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:07,919 Speaker 1: That's my expensive comments ice cream. It's more that I 151 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,800 Speaker 1: want a problem solved with them. I want to say, okay, 152 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 1: so we've got a bit of an issue around honesty. 153 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 1: Let's understand why, Okay, ice cream is really tasty to you. 154 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,640 Speaker 1: Let's figure this out. The second thing that's really important 155 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,520 Speaker 1: to emphasize is that when you've got a child, especially 156 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,800 Speaker 1: at this age but even older, lying this is not 157 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:27,560 Speaker 1: a moral crisis. It's a teachable moment, which goes back 158 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,720 Speaker 1: again to what I was saying. Basically, lying is an 159 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 1: opportunity for us to solve problems. It's an opportunity for 160 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,560 Speaker 1: us to recognize that we and our children are not 161 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 1: on the same page and therefore to understand them better 162 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 1: and then work out a way through whatever the issue is. So, Kylie, 163 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,520 Speaker 1: after the break, let's talk about the dos and do 164 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,920 Speaker 1: nots for Katie and anyone else who's got kids who 165 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:51,080 Speaker 1: are lying, which is pretty much everybody. And contrast what 166 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,520 Speaker 1: I think is going to what the standard response is 167 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,480 Speaker 1: to what I think he's going to be the absolute 168 00:07:55,640 --> 00:08:06,280 Speaker 1: most helpful. Stay with us. That's next. We're back. This 169 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,840 Speaker 1: is the Happy Family's Podcast. Kylie. I've got some quick 170 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,440 Speaker 1: doos and don'ts for when the kids tell those porky pies. 171 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 3: I was singing about what you said before the break, 172 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:19,720 Speaker 3: and I'm curious to hear your response, because I've had 173 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 3: this conversation with parents before, where the idea of working 174 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 3: with their children when let's just use ice cream, for instance, 175 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,480 Speaker 3: they've stolen an ice cream out of the freezer and 176 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 3: we know that they've done it, and we go and 177 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 3: talk to them about it, and then we work with 178 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,439 Speaker 3: them to come up with the way that they can 179 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,480 Speaker 3: have the ice cream, but in an honest way or in. 180 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,319 Speaker 1: A way that we can feel good about. Right or 181 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,440 Speaker 1: at a time that we feel good about. 182 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,320 Speaker 3: It feels like they're being rewarded for something that they've 183 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:47,120 Speaker 3: actually done wrong. 184 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that's not how I see it at all. 185 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,720 Speaker 1: I can understand that perspective, but I would disagree with it, 186 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,240 Speaker 1: and I'll talk about why as we go through the 187 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,839 Speaker 1: different ways to do it. Let's just really hit these 188 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: don'ts because they're very, very simple and every parent can 189 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,600 Speaker 1: get their head around those. First of all, Number one, 190 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,439 Speaker 1: don't come in with harsh consequences. Research shows it backfires. 191 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,880 Speaker 1: That's the first thing. I'd say. It's okay to express 192 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,400 Speaker 1: your disappointment you disproveal, it's okay to say Lyne's not 193 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: a right. But the more you come down hard on 194 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,680 Speaker 1: your kids. The more they're just going to feel shame, 195 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 1: the more they're going to feel anxiety, the more they're 196 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 1: going to be like, I can't trust my parents with anything. 197 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,120 Speaker 1: I've got to hide everything from them. It will backfire. 198 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: The second thing, don't set traps for the kids. That's 199 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,199 Speaker 1: a sure fire way to undermine the relationship. It doesn't 200 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,480 Speaker 1: work very well. Doesn't work. 201 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,080 Speaker 3: What do you mean by a trap? Oh, well, you 202 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,720 Speaker 3: leave the ice cream out. 203 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, leave some money somewhere, set up some surveillance 204 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,800 Speaker 1: where you can ask them to tell you something. And 205 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,760 Speaker 1: then you're like, well, actually, i've been tracking what's going on, 206 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 1: and I know that you turn on the TV, or 207 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 1: I know that you've been on the internet because I've 208 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,440 Speaker 1: got this new software. When you do that, what you've 209 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,240 Speaker 1: just done is you've told the kids, oh my goodness, 210 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,440 Speaker 1: I've got to be really sneaky. Now. You might stop 211 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,679 Speaker 1: them doing the wrong thing when they are their surveillance, 212 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,200 Speaker 1: but there's no internalization going on. As soon as they're 213 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:59,000 Speaker 1: out of earshot eyeshot, as soon as they know that 214 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 1: you can't surveil them, as soon as they're at somebody 215 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: else's house, they're just going to go nuts. They're going 216 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,280 Speaker 1: to do all the stuff that they can't do at home, 217 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 1: and they're going to think you're the worst parent in 218 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 1: the world. Whereas when you resolve these problems together and 219 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,680 Speaker 1: find solutions that everyone can feel good about where possible, 220 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,440 Speaker 1: you're just going to get better outcomes and they're going 221 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:18,600 Speaker 1: to internalize so much more. Third, don't shame your kids. 222 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 1: I can't believe you'd lie to my face. Why would 223 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,400 Speaker 1: you do that? Because shame is one of the best 224 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:28,800 Speaker 1: ways to destroy relationships and under my trust. And don't 225 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,160 Speaker 1: make it about you, which is when parents say, how 226 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,320 Speaker 1: can you do this to me? Why would you say this? 227 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,440 Speaker 1: I do everything for you and now you're lying to me. 228 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,599 Speaker 1: It's just it's ugly. Here's what to do instead. My 229 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: top tips. Number one, I question the framing. I'm wondering 230 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,079 Speaker 1: why your child feels like they need to lie in 231 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:45,680 Speaker 1: the first place. 232 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:47,400 Speaker 3: It's just like ice cream. 233 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,360 Speaker 1: Well then we don't need to lie about it. We 234 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:50,520 Speaker 1: need to work out a way that you can have 235 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 1: ice cream at times and places that are appropriate for everybody. 236 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,319 Speaker 1: So I used to I was just thinking when I 237 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,040 Speaker 1: was listening to KD. I know you talked about our 238 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,719 Speaker 1: daughter stealing the seventy cents or the dollar twenty or 239 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,080 Speaker 1: whatever it was from the neighbors. When I was a kid, 240 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: my dad had a milk run and he used to 241 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,920 Speaker 1: deliver milk, and there were all these coins and an 242 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,520 Speaker 1: ice cream container in our rumpus room from his coin 243 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,839 Speaker 1: pouch when he was giving change to people on their doorsteps. 244 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,920 Speaker 1: And I used to just take so much of that 245 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,720 Speaker 1: money and go down to the local shops and put 246 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,560 Speaker 1: it into it. Do you remember that game, that aircraft 247 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,839 Speaker 1: carrier game nineteen forty eight, I think it was called. 248 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,920 Speaker 1: I used to play arcade games for hours and just 249 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,760 Speaker 1: put so many coins in there. One time, Mum found 250 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,240 Speaker 1: me at the shops with all these coins, and she said, 251 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 1: where'd you get the coins? And I told a great 252 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,720 Speaker 1: big lie, and I could see it in her face. 253 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,920 Speaker 1: She knew, she absolutely knew. I used to steal all 254 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,360 Speaker 1: of the cheesecakes. We lived down the road from Sarah 255 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,199 Speaker 1: Lee at Niagara Park, and she'd gone by all the seconds, 256 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,959 Speaker 1: so she'd buy the cheesecakes and the chocolate cakes and 257 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,439 Speaker 1: the banana cakes, and I would just go into the freezer. 258 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 1: I would eat them all and then I would put 259 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,400 Speaker 1: the empty cardboard boxes back into the freezer, and we 260 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:51,839 Speaker 1: had guess. So for dinner, Mom would go to the 261 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 1: freezer thinking she had eight cakes in there, and they 262 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,839 Speaker 1: were all empty, so there was no deserve because I 263 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,480 Speaker 1: didn't have the cheesecake. Or there'd be a half eaten 264 00:11:57,559 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: cheesecake with my teeth marks in there and she'd say 265 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,160 Speaker 1: who ate and I would say I don't know, and 266 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,960 Speaker 1: she knew it was me. The thing is, if we'd 267 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,680 Speaker 1: sat down and had conversations about when it's okay to 268 00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:09,400 Speaker 1: eat this stuff and when it's not, if there were 269 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,439 Speaker 1: appropriate times for treats, if there was a better setup, 270 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 1: I think it would have happened a lot less. I 271 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,360 Speaker 1: would have been less sneaky. I would have gotten in 272 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,120 Speaker 1: trouble for lying a lot less. What are we doing 273 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: that makes kids feel unsafe telling the truth to me? 274 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:24,560 Speaker 1: The inherent power and balance is the problem here, because 275 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:28,320 Speaker 1: we're controlling the resources, where imposing the arbitrary rules, and 276 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,280 Speaker 1: the kids have got no legitimate power to negotiate and 277 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,280 Speaker 1: figure out a way forward. So explore explaining power. Seems 278 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:35,839 Speaker 1: like you really want to watch TV, seems like you 279 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,880 Speaker 1: really like these treats. We totally get it. How can 280 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 1: we do this in a way that we can all 281 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,040 Speaker 1: feel good about it? Because these are our problems with it. 282 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:43,679 Speaker 1: Too much sugar, too much square eyes, that kind of thing. 283 00:12:44,679 --> 00:12:47,760 Speaker 1: And if you can problem solve effectively, you're just gonna 284 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:48,960 Speaker 1: have a better outcome. 285 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 3: So my take home from all of this is, don't stress. 286 00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 3: Everyone's kids are lying sometimes everyone's even yours if you 287 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:03,200 Speaker 3: don't think they are. And number two, don't sweat. 288 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, but have the conversations like, lying is not okay. 289 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,640 Speaker 1: It's the way that you respond to the lying that matters, though, 290 00:13:10,679 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 1: because responding the wrong way is also not okay. 291 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,280 Speaker 3: And here's the challenging thing. You're probably going to have 292 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,119 Speaker 3: that conversation a bajillion times. 293 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:20,960 Speaker 1: No discipline conversations are one and done. Yeah, Whether it's 294 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,000 Speaker 1: cleaning up your room, making a contribution to the home, 295 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 1: being nice to your brother or sister, or telling lies, 296 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:30,360 Speaker 1: you're going to have these conversations over a lot over again. Yeah. 297 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,960 Speaker 3: And that doesn't mean that you're not doing the right thing, 298 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,640 Speaker 3: and it doesn't mean that they're not getting the message either. 299 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 2: Yep. 300 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 1: It's just life life parenting. It's hard. Hey, Katie, thanks 301 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,360 Speaker 1: so much for the question. We really hope it's been 302 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,400 Speaker 1: helpful and that your family is happier as a result 303 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,640 Speaker 1: of this. Good luck with the conversations. If you've got 304 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,280 Speaker 1: a tricky question for us, let us know. Podcasts at 305 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:53,000 Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot I you as where you 306 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,520 Speaker 1: can send your voice notes or go use the super 307 00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:58,840 Speaker 1: simple system at happy families dot com dot A you. 308 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 1: We'd love to hear from you and answer your tricky 309 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,559 Speaker 1: questions on pretty much anything at all. We're back tomorrow 310 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,920 Speaker 1: with more on the Happy Families podcast, which is produced 311 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:11,199 Speaker 1: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides research and 312 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,600 Speaker 1: admin support, and for more info to make your family happier, 313 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:19,240 Speaker 1: visit us at happy families dot com. Do you