Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Undercut.
Speaker 1: I'm Brittany and I'm Ben. Well, there you go, Ben's here.
Speaker 1: Ben is in the house. So we are on our
Speaker 1: quote unquote Christmas break, but we never managed to do
Speaker 1: a full break, so we've been drip feeding some little
Speaker 1: extra episodes for you. And Ben was very excited to
Speaker 1: hear that you guys wanted him to guest host and
Speaker 1: ask gun cut.
Speaker 2: God only knows why people want to have my opinion,
Speaker 2: but I'll try and do my best.
Speaker 1: Well, we'll see how it goes. So we are recording
Speaker 1: this just before Christmas, just so you know you'll be
Speaker 1: listening to this. Christmas will be well and truly done.
Speaker 1: But tomorrow Ben and I are heading to Switzerland to
Speaker 1: see his family for Christmas and will be my very
Speaker 1: first home in Switzerland with Ben's family, meeting his friends
Speaker 1: in his hometown. I'm really excited.
Speaker 2: Yes, So, as you might remember, I took my sister
Speaker 2: Sherry and her husband Jay before I even took you
Speaker 2: to my home time.
Speaker 1: I do remember that we do.
Speaker 2: Things a little bit different in our relationship, don't we.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was hard because obviously we don't have a
Speaker 1: normal relationship of sorts.
Speaker 2: You were busy eating picnipples in the jungle, so you
Speaker 2: really take care.
Speaker 1: Is that what it was?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was literally the first week of you being
Speaker 2: in a jungle.
Speaker 1: I really drew the short straw. Yeah. So Sherry and
Speaker 1: Jay went back to Ben's hometown to say with his
Speaker 1: family and to meet his friends and see where Ben
Speaker 1: rup before I did. So I feel like I'm finally
Speaker 1: playing catch up and we're going to be spending Christmas
Speaker 1: with his family. So we are going to do an
Speaker 1: ask Gun cut from some questions that you guys wrote in.
Speaker 1: Some are just general asking cuts, some were specifically for
Speaker 1: Ben to answer so that there was a male perspective.
Speaker 1: And even when I do ask gun cuts back home
Speaker 1: a lot of the time, if it's, you know, from
Speaker 1: a male's perspective, I will ask Ben or I'll run
Speaker 1: Ben through so I can get both sides of the story,
Speaker 1: you know, Because at the end of the day, Laurie
Speaker 1: and I can always give our opinions based off experience
Speaker 1: and relationships and the knowledge we've learned along the way.
Speaker 1: But I think it's always really important and nice to
Speaker 1: have a perspective from a man. So I often run
Speaker 1: questions by Ben and.
Speaker 2: I did recognize some of my opinions on the pods.
Speaker 1: Well, I do believe it or not value your opinion? Ben?
Speaker 2: Yeah, normally get a quick FaceTime called quick, Quick, Quick,
Speaker 2: tell me what you think?
Speaker 1: How many times to you master?
Speaker 2: Quick?
Speaker 1: Quick? Do you watch porn? Quick?
Speaker 2: He's not going to answer, she's lying.
Speaker 1: But before we get into the questions, we did get
Speaker 1: quite a few questions coming in just about how it's
Speaker 1: been seeing each other again, our plans for the future,
Speaker 1: wedding plans, kid plans.
Speaker 2: How a wedding plans?
Speaker 1: Going Hey, yeah, that's a good question, Ben, How our
Speaker 1: wedding plans.
Speaker 2: It's a question for you because because you don't know,
Speaker 2: I do know, but I feel like you have the
Speaker 2: right to veto, so I feel like it's better asking you.
Speaker 1: All right, let's do an on the spot quick. I'm
Speaker 1: going to ask you three questions about our wedding and
Speaker 1: you are going to have five seconds.
Speaker 2: To answer them generous.
Speaker 1: If you don't answer them because you don't know the
Speaker 1: wedding plans, then you have to get me a surprise. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, this is going to be a disaster. What
Speaker 1: date is our wedding it is two. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's wrong. You just got that wrong.
Speaker 2: It's the wrong month, but it's the right date.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, well I'll see you in the wrong month.
Speaker 1: I can't believe you, okay. Question two, what is the
Speaker 1: name of our catering company?
Speaker 2: I've oh, I want to say two yes.
Speaker 1: With one second. I didn't think you were going to
Speaker 1: get that no. I mean if there's anything you don't date,
Speaker 1: but you know the food.
Speaker 2: I know all the details that aren't important.
Speaker 1: How do you know the food company and not the
Speaker 1: date of our wedding?
Speaker 2: I don't know if the name just stuck in my head.
Speaker 1: Well that's the thing. You don't even know what're eating?
Speaker 1: Knife picked it all.
Speaker 2: Right, Well you had the luxury of eating it all,
Speaker 2: so I wouldn't know.
Speaker 1: I did it all.
Speaker 2: And Keisha, for that manner, was taking husband duties that day.
Speaker 1: We did go on a food tasting bender and BALI.
Speaker 1: Question three, what's the name of my wedding dress designer?
Speaker 2: I want to say something with Khalil, but I'm not sure.
Speaker 2: I'm not sure it's very famous, though.
Speaker 1: Please lock your answer in.
Speaker 2: It's doing a great job putting up with you.
Speaker 1: We're half right, Khalil, Stephen Khalil.
Speaker 2: There you go. That counts all right.
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you one bonus question. Yeah, what's
Speaker 1: the name of our wedding planner, Amelia? Where does she work?
Speaker 2: Love and last? No, not love and lust.
Speaker 1: I actually was expecting you to be so bad at
Speaker 1: our wedding.
Speaker 2: Planning something with love love.
Speaker 1: No, that's incorrect.
Speaker 2: Easy weddings, Easy weddings. Oh my god, what's the other one?
Speaker 1: Lost in love?
Speaker 2: Yeah, hello, easy weddings, Amelia. You're doing a great job.
Speaker 1: This is a disaster.
Speaker 2: Although I don't know where you work, you're doing a
Speaker 2: great job.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, you're definitely getting me a surprise now because
Speaker 1: you're turning up to our wedding a month late.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that would be an issue.
Speaker 1: Okay. So we've just had Sherry and Jay staying with
Speaker 1: us for a week and baby Maya.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so cute.
Speaker 1: She is tiny. So we have just a two bedroom
Speaker 1: flat here. It's very small, and we're all together for
Speaker 1: the week.
Speaker 2: I think it's quite big, to be honest.
Speaker 1: Ben has I mean, you've never held a baby like that,
Speaker 1: You've never been around a new born baby like that.
Speaker 1: You didn't know anything about it. You tried to give
Speaker 1: her fanter.
Speaker 2: No, it didn't. It was you.
Speaker 1: Tried to give her a full meal, Like does she
Speaker 1: need food?
Speaker 2: I didn't know that babies can't drink water. It's baffling
Speaker 2: to me. I did not know that. I thought water
Speaker 2: is the essence of all life and we all need water,
Speaker 2: and well we do.
Speaker 1: Except babies get it from breast milk. Because breast milk
Speaker 1: is so incredible, I know.
Speaker 2: But a little water doesn't harm, does it?
Speaker 1: Well, I don't know. I just not allowed to have it.
Speaker 2: Wow, my mistake.
Speaker 1: Well, the question is has it changed, Like, how do
Speaker 1: you feel about kids now? Because everyone knows that we've
Speaker 1: been a bit confused, a bit on the fence, been
Speaker 1: unsure of our future for a multitude of reasons if
Speaker 1: we can even have them, or if we want them,
Speaker 1: or when we want them, or how it's going to work.
Speaker 1: How do you feel after we spent a week with
Speaker 1: a baby?
Speaker 2: Well, disclaimer, I haven't changed any nappies, so no.
Speaker 1: There was one exploiting period that went out to her
Speaker 1: neck on that was.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I haven't changed any nappies. So I guess if
Speaker 2: all the babies, newborns are like Maya, it would be
Speaker 2: a dream. She hardly cried. She was very easy going,
Speaker 2: such a happy, happy little toddler, happy little baby.
Speaker 1: It's not a toddler yet.
Speaker 2: Well see that shows how much I know.
Speaker 1: A happy little.
Speaker 2: Yeah, happy little squid. Then it makes me think that,
Speaker 2: you know, with the Hockley jeans and everything, everything will
Speaker 2: be fine and it will not be difficult to have
Speaker 2: a baby. But obviously well aware that it can be
Speaker 2: very stressful, especially you do know I like to sleep
Speaker 2: I like to sleep in. And we did say if
Speaker 2: we do have kids, then I will take the late
Speaker 2: night shift and you will take the early morning shift
Speaker 2: because you're a morning person.
Speaker 1: But does it make you want a baby? Did she
Speaker 1: make you one?
Speaker 2: It didn't make me not want one. That's the most
Speaker 2: ben answer ever. Yeah, we've done this process to have kids,
Speaker 2: so yes, we want to have kids. If they're like Maya,
Speaker 2: then yeah, we can have a kid right now to
Speaker 2: choose if we can, we put this in somewhere that
Speaker 2: we want a kid like Maya.
Speaker 1: Disclaimer mostly that's not correct.
Speaker 2: No, we're probably going to have twins. You know my
Speaker 2: theory about this, well, it's not.
Speaker 1: A theory because IVF you have double the chance of
Speaker 1: twins with IBF, and Ben really wants twins, so he
Speaker 1: wanted the fertility doctors to put like twenty five Embrews
Speaker 1: in me. He's like, put them all in.
Speaker 2: She said, look, if you IVF, your chances of having
Speaker 2: twins doubles. So in my head it's like, yeah, from
Speaker 2: twenty five percent to fifty Like what a result, Like
Speaker 2: surely this will happened, And she goes, no, calm down, man,
Speaker 2: it's from two to four percent. Yeah. I was like, well,
Speaker 2: I'll take the extra two percent. Then twins will be hectic.
Speaker 2: I feel good about kids. I feel good about kids. Yeah,
Speaker 2: how do you feel?
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I agree. She's definitely a unicorn baby.
Speaker 1: That makes you think that like, oh my god, piss cake,
Speaker 1: I could do this dream job, Like if I get
Speaker 1: this little cute munchkin attached to me, that is a
Speaker 1: dream boat. Doesn't cry, doesn't she sleeps eleven hours through
Speaker 1: the night.
Speaker 2: Amazing.
Speaker 1: But I also it is a stark reminder too. It
Speaker 1: was a stark reminder of how much things change, like
Speaker 1: how everything was more difficult. Yeah, like even though she's
Speaker 1: a great.
Speaker 2: Child, everything till longer.
Speaker 1: Everything takes longer. Just getting out of the house takes longer.
Speaker 1: Trying to have a shower is harder because you've got
Speaker 1: to find someone else to take her in that time,
Speaker 1: and they change your life. So it's not that I
Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to adapt to that, it's just trying
Speaker 1: to find out when you think that you're going to
Speaker 1: be ready for that. And I think my problem is
Speaker 1: I'm never going to think that I'm ready. I'm never
Speaker 1: going to say, yes, now's the time to drop a
Speaker 1: bomb of my life.
Speaker 2: I don't think anybody is and knows when they are ready,
Speaker 2: you know, like there's always a little bit of doubt
Speaker 2: or there's always something that's like, oh, maybe you know.
Speaker 2: But what I do understand now is when people say that,
Speaker 2: like the laugh I have for Maya, this little cute
Speaker 2: little baby is you know, through the roof, and when
Speaker 2: parents say, you know, it's one of the greatest things
Speaker 2: in the world, but you're also so bloody tired, Like
Speaker 2: I understand it. Like she was in the room next
Speaker 2: door and she slept for eleven hours, and then.
Speaker 1: Ben was still tired.
Speaker 2: He's like, wow, I was on uncle daycare and I
Speaker 2: was like, oh, I'm going to hand her back. Oh A,
Speaker 2: it's just I am clueless. Like I said, I would
Speaker 2: have fed a water or fantaut or given a piece
Speaker 2: of my pizza or whatever. So it was just like,
Speaker 2: you can't do this, you can't do that.
Speaker 1: It's a learning curve. But I think I biggest problem too,
Speaker 1: is if we lived together. I believe it would be
Speaker 1: an easier decision and we should probably be doing it
Speaker 1: now for sure, But we don't live together. We're obviously
Speaker 1: aware of that, and we're aware that we don't know
Speaker 1: when we'll be together, which means it's really hard, especially
Speaker 1: with IVF, because we have to literally book in the
Speaker 1: day and go in and say, today's the day, let's
Speaker 1: hope that this works, and then in nine months we'll
Speaker 1: have a baby. So when you're planning it like that,
Speaker 1: you have to plan everything else around your life as well,
Speaker 1: which we don't have. We don't have the plans to
Speaker 1: be together yet, as much.
Speaker 2: As we want to be, we're not quite there yet.
Speaker 1: We're not there yet. Our careers working on it, We're trying, Yeah,
Speaker 1: we're working on it. Our careers and our life don't
Speaker 1: yet align with that. And you know, we're getting married
Speaker 1: and then two days later we have to go Wow,
Speaker 1: actually one night we actually only oh we get one
Speaker 1: night together after our wedding, and then Ben flies back
Speaker 1: to training and I have to fly back to work
Speaker 1: in Australia. So we don't even get the honeymoon. We
Speaker 1: get no time to other except for that week of
Speaker 1: our wedding. Yeah, which is yeah, I mean that's a
Speaker 1: stark reminder for people as to just how hard this
Speaker 1: is and how our lives are not yet in a
Speaker 1: place for a family because I don't want I personally
Speaker 1: and neither is Ben. But I don't want to have
Speaker 1: a baby and you not be there. I don't want
Speaker 1: to be doing it alone as like a single mom
Speaker 1: in Sydney.
Speaker 2: I definitely want to be a present, a present dad
Speaker 2: and be there for you like that time. It was
Speaker 2: so important for me to be there for you when
Speaker 2: you had your IVF round and you had your little
Speaker 2: procedure and.
Speaker 1: You had your ejaculation into how less we forgot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it was just really important for me to
Speaker 2: be there to show my support for you because you know,
Speaker 2: it did feel like you got the bad end of
Speaker 2: the stick, you know, got the bad end of having
Speaker 2: a little procedure done, and you were in pain and
Speaker 2: all the injections you applied and all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2: So all I had to do was was show up
Speaker 2: and masturbate. Yeah, masturbate and give my little swimmers and
Speaker 2: so did the rest. So but I definitely want to
Speaker 2: be there for you and be there for our potential babies.
Speaker 1: We do want that part of our life. And to
Speaker 1: be honest, seeing you with Maya was definitely like an
Speaker 1: overyting sexy dad. You went the dad looking and dad,
Speaker 1: but seeing you with her did get over is tingling
Speaker 1: for sure, because I think that's what you You always
Speaker 1: wonder what your partner is going to look like or
Speaker 1: be not look like, Sorry, will my partner be a deal?
Speaker 1: You wonder what they're going to be like as a parent,
Speaker 1: And I think that that's a big part of making
Speaker 1: decisions too, on like if you want to have kids,
Speaker 1: and I feel like maybe with a bit of training
Speaker 1: and a bit of education, so you don't feed that
Speaker 1: two month d a steak, you'll be a great dad.
Speaker 2: Thank you, You're welcome, thank you, and you'll be a
Speaker 2: great mom.
Speaker 1: All right, thank you. I should get into the questions, Yes,
Speaker 1: let's do it. Question number one. Okay, I think you're
Speaker 1: going to have a strong opinion about this. My husband
Speaker 1: and I have a six month old baby. I'm a
Speaker 1: stay at home mum and he works full time. I
Speaker 1: make dinner every night, which is always hard cooking with
Speaker 1: a baby, as my husband doesn't get home until six
Speaker 1: point thirty, right when we're about to eat. Last night,
Speaker 1: I made dinner like usual, and in conversation I said, so,
Speaker 1: do you like it? And he responded, that's all right,
Speaker 1: But he said in a way where I knew that
Speaker 1: he really wasn't impressed. This offended me as I put
Speaker 1: a lot of effort in whilst juggling our baby. I
Speaker 1: just don't think he understands I would have been happy
Speaker 1: with just toast for dinner, but I put the effort
Speaker 1: in for him. He thinks it's okay to be honest
Speaker 1: and that he thought dinner was just okay. So he
Speaker 1: told me, hey, it's just okay. My question is, if
Speaker 1: someone makes you something such as dinner, is it okay
Speaker 1: to be honest and say you didn't really like it?
Speaker 1: Or should you just be appreciative that someone put the
Speaker 1: effort in and say, yeah, it was good, even if
Speaker 1: you don't think it was that good. I asked him, Hey,
Speaker 1: if you were at our friend's house, would you say
Speaker 1: that you didn't really like what they made you? Or
Speaker 1: would you pretend? And he said no, of course I wouldn't.
Speaker 1: But this is our home, and I think it's best
Speaker 1: to be honest with you. What do you think?
Speaker 2: Then? Wow, A big question to start with.
Speaker 1: The real serious his topics to start.
Speaker 2: I think we all know that we have different conversations
Speaker 2: at our own house than we do have at other
Speaker 2: people's houses. Right, But it reminds me remember when I
Speaker 2: tried to replicate a dish for you, and I still
Speaker 2: don't know if you liked it to this day, And
Speaker 2: I asked you, I said, do you like your dish?
Speaker 2: And you gave me like a yeah, it's fine. And
Speaker 2: I was thinking, I'm not quite sure if you like
Speaker 2: if you like it what I've made for you, and
Speaker 2: I think, to this day, I'm not quite sure what
Speaker 2: I should make it again.
Speaker 1: And you were wildly offended.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I was.
Speaker 1: It hurt your feelings that I said, yeah, it's fine.
Speaker 2: Yeah, also a little bit of pride because I pride
Speaker 2: myself on making good meals for you and You've not
Speaker 2: not liked anything I ever made, So I was like, oh, okay,
Speaker 2: I guess it stops with beta then. Yeah.
Speaker 1: But to be fair, I don't ever cook. You have
Speaker 1: cooked for me. I've cooked for you once since the
Speaker 1: day we met, in like over two years now.
Speaker 2: With my recipe.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's just the way our relationship is. That's
Speaker 1: not because I'm lazy. I try to cook. You don't
Speaker 1: want me to like, you love it. You cook everything.
Speaker 1: So I think if I can one time in all
Speaker 1: of that time say that I liked it but didn't
Speaker 1: love it, I think that that's genuinely okay in this situation.
Speaker 1: I think it's okay that your husband is honest. To
Speaker 1: be fair, there's no point pretending. Maybe early on in
Speaker 1: the relationship, like you've just started dating, you're really really
Speaker 1: fresh into dating, You've made a huge effort. I think
Speaker 1: in that situation you just probably lie a little bit.
Speaker 1: You're like, yeah, thank you so much. It was delicious,
Speaker 1: But I'm just fool I just can't eat anymore. But
Speaker 1: at this point, you guys are married, you have a baby.
Speaker 1: Him not liking your food, I don't think he's connected
Speaker 1: with him not appreciating that you did it. He can
Speaker 1: still appreciate that you have gone to the effort to
Speaker 1: cook it, but just doesn't genuinely like the taste. I
Speaker 1: don't think that that has to be offensive to you.
Speaker 1: I guess it depends how he says it and the
Speaker 1: reason he says he doesn't like it. But you don't
Speaker 1: want to when you're married. You don't want to pretend
Speaker 1: that you like something and then for the rest of
Speaker 1: your life have to fake that you like it, because
Speaker 1: you'll continue to cook that meal. Now if he's.
Speaker 2: Faked it, Yeah, I agree. I think you know, we
Speaker 2: don't know what happened at work. Maybe it's had a
Speaker 2: bad day at work or whoever, and you certainly have
Speaker 2: to be appreciative of another person making a meal not
Speaker 2: just for you, but it's for the family, you know,
Speaker 2: Like like she said, she has a six months old
Speaker 2: at home.
Speaker 1: So yeah, but the six month I was not in mistake.
Speaker 2: Yes, but it's part of you know, looking after your family.
Speaker 2: And I mean we've had our lovely niece here for
Speaker 2: a couple of days. It was more hectic than I
Speaker 2: thought it would be, So you know, the partner definitely
Speaker 2: has to be appreciative of the effort that's been made.
Speaker 1: Would you rather that I told you if you made
Speaker 1: me something.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I'm making it because I think you would
Speaker 2: like it, and then you don't like it or it's
Speaker 2: not your taste, and then you're better off knowing. And
Speaker 2: I think you have to take this not as criticism
Speaker 2: rather than just as okay, just the other person just
Speaker 2: doesn't like it, and that's okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And I think if you're reverse it, if your
Speaker 1: husband cooked something for you that you really didn't like,
Speaker 1: would you tell him, like I think it's the way
Speaker 1: you deliver it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, just the way you say it, and I.
Speaker 1: Just tell him. I would just tell him I feel
Speaker 1: like you don't appreciate me, and then you can go
Speaker 1: from there, like I feel like you don't appreciate me.
Speaker 1: If you really just didn't like the meal, that's okay,
Speaker 1: Like we can talk about it. But it was the
Speaker 1: way you said it, and I just you know, you're
Speaker 1: both obviously very stressed. It's not easy being at home
Speaker 1: with a baby as well, So I don't want to
Speaker 1: say maybe you're more offended than you should be.
Speaker 2: I think it depends on how often this has happened.
Speaker 2: You know, if it's just every night, then he's just
Speaker 2: not appreciated. If then I think it's more of a
Speaker 2: thing of him not being appreciative of you making the
Speaker 2: effort to cook. But if it's just a once off
Speaker 2: or once every now and then, then I think it's okay.
Speaker 1: All right. Should my friend tell her new boyfriend the
Speaker 1: reason that her and her ex husband split up, the
Speaker 1: reason being she cheated on her husband. This new couple
Speaker 1: have been together now for six months, and she still
Speaker 1: hasn't told him, and I'm doubting that she ever will.
Speaker 1: I think this is crazy because eventually going to find out,
Speaker 1: you know, how she gets around. It's not that big
Speaker 1: of a town, and I think he will be pissed
Speaker 1: off that she wasn't honest with him from the start.
Speaker 1: The question is, do you have to divulge the reasons
Speaker 1: that you broke up with an ex partner and if
Speaker 1: you did the wrong thing. This is an interesting one.
Speaker 2: I think naturally, when you start to get to know somebody,
Speaker 2: you maybe discuss previous relationships and you ask questions of
Speaker 2: maybe how that went, maybe to get a feeling of
Speaker 2: how that person is in the relationship. My initial thought
Speaker 2: was it's probably not up to the friend to disclose
Speaker 2: this information to the partner, just because I think you
Speaker 2: shouldn't be getting too much involved in other people's relationship.
Speaker 2: Although you might mean, well, well, I.
Speaker 1: Don't think she's asking should she tell them. I think
Speaker 1: she obviously believes that her friend needs to say it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: a friend, think she doesn't need to tell him that
Speaker 1: she's cheated. So I think she's writing to ask more
Speaker 1: to ask is she right in thinking that she should
Speaker 1: tell her or is she out of line thinking that
Speaker 1: you have to disclose this previous information.
Speaker 2: I think if they're good friends, they can definitely have
Speaker 2: a conversation and say, hey, this is what I'm thinking.
Speaker 2: I think this could become an issue. I'm just looking
Speaker 2: out for you. You know, is there any particular reason
Speaker 2: why you haven't brought it up or are you going
Speaker 2: to bring it up? And you know, should you maybe
Speaker 2: wait because it is the relationship going to be very
Speaker 2: serious or not? I think that's also something to consider.
Speaker 2: I think personally it should naturally come up in a
Speaker 2: conversation between a couple, a new couple getting to know
Speaker 2: each other.
Speaker 1: But the question is do you think it matters going
Speaker 1: into a new relationship? What someone has done in the past.
Speaker 2: I think it does matter. You don't have to disclose
Speaker 2: your past and your past relationships, but I think if
Speaker 2: you go into a new relationship with honesty, and I
Speaker 2: think that goes a long way, and it could be
Speaker 2: a great discussion point, because cheating is not necessarily black
Speaker 2: and white and you're wrong and you're right, and it
Speaker 2: can definitely be a tricky conversation to have, but if
Speaker 2: you have it, you might come out the other side
Speaker 2: in a better way or better understanding of your person
Speaker 2: that you're getting to know.
Speaker 1: I think people just think that, well, for me, cheating
Speaker 1: isn't as simple as like a leopard can't change its spots.
Speaker 1: You know, once you've cheated, you're always a cheater. I
Speaker 1: don't think that that's true at all. You don't have
Speaker 1: to disclose any part of your past to a new
Speaker 1: relationship that you don't feel comfortable disclosing or you don't
Speaker 1: want to disclose, But I think you need to use
Speaker 1: your discretion as to what is the right thing to
Speaker 1: bring into that relationship.
Speaker 2: Do you think it will be a problem if he
Speaker 2: eventually finds out and then that usual sentence comes up,
Speaker 2: why didn't you tell me from the beginning. Do you
Speaker 2: think that's going to be That.
Speaker 1: Would be my worry in this situation. Yeah, And I
Speaker 1: think you're better off to speak about that kind of thing,
Speaker 1: because I'm sure he has asked you. This is the
Speaker 1: other question. I'm sure he's asked you, Hey, why did
Speaker 1: your marriage end? Like, why did your marriage break down?
Speaker 1: That's a pretty normal question when a marriage has broken
Speaker 1: down and you're starting to date someone else. So I'm
Speaker 1: wondering what she has said in that situation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you don't disclose it in that moment, the
Speaker 2: other person probably feels a little bit late to well.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and if you think that they're going to find
Speaker 1: out down the track, it's always better to tell the
Speaker 1: truth at the start. It's always better to come from
Speaker 1: you than somebody else.
Speaker 2: But that's also not to say that the person will
Speaker 2: cheat again exactly.
Speaker 1: That's what I mean. A leopard. I believe can change
Speaker 1: at spots. Once you've cheated. It doesn't mean you're always
Speaker 1: going to be a cheaterdh doesn't mean you're always going
Speaker 1: to be a fuck with, doesn't mean you can't be trusted.
Speaker 1: You don't know the situation surrounding that cheating. You don't
Speaker 1: know what was happening in that relationship that made somebody
Speaker 1: do that. I think that's the really important thing, is
Speaker 1: to have those open conversations and discuss the why. Like,
Speaker 1: if you had cheated on someone in the past, Ben,
Speaker 1: that wouldn't stop me from dating you, but I would
Speaker 1: want to know why, yeah, and how you feel about it,
Speaker 1: and how you feel about cheating and would you do
Speaker 1: it again, and all of those kind of things. But
Speaker 1: if I found out four years down the track that
Speaker 1: you cheated on your ex wife, yeah, I'd be pretty
Speaker 1: pissed off that I didn't have that information. It's tricky
Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, it's very obvious
Speaker 1: you want to do like the right thing for your friend.
Speaker 1: I think you're trying to protect her from the future,
Speaker 1: a future fallout. All you can do is have the
Speaker 1: conversation with her and say it's highly likely that eventually
Speaker 1: this information will get back to him. You know, I'll
Speaker 1: support you whatever you want to do, but I think
Speaker 1: it's better for you to get this out in the
Speaker 1: open now and just explain why, explain why it happened.
Speaker 1: But you can't really do anything else on that. At
Speaker 1: the end of the day, you're protecting your friend, but
Speaker 1: it's not your business.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not your relationship.
Speaker 1: This is another question that came directly in for Ben's perspective.
Speaker 1: I have known this guy for five years and he's
Speaker 1: been there through breakups, graduation, my mum's cancer, and recently
Speaker 1: my mum's passing and funeral. My mum loved him and
Speaker 1: he promised her that he would protect me. He's always
Speaker 1: so active in my life and helping everywhere possible. Since
Speaker 1: all this has happened, I now think that I'm falling
Speaker 1: for him, but he says he sees me as nothing
Speaker 1: but a sister. He's thirty and I'm twenty four. For context,
Speaker 1: Am I just wasting my time? Or is there something
Speaker 1: that I can do? Second part of the question also, Britt,
Speaker 1: how do I get rid of the feeling as I
Speaker 1: feel the guy should always pursue you and not the
Speaker 1: other way around.
Speaker 2: Oh God, this is hard.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Firstly, you're obviously going through a really tough time,
Speaker 1: so I'm really sorry that you've just lost your mum.
Speaker 1: Horrific and I can't imagine what that's like. I know
Speaker 1: she said this is specifically for you, Ben, but I
Speaker 1: have feelings.
Speaker 2: This is tough because you've sort of opened up to
Speaker 2: him and said how you feel, which is probably a
Speaker 2: big step, and especially with the past that you two have,
Speaker 2: that he's always been there for you, and I'm guessing
Speaker 2: you have been there for him as well if there
Speaker 2: was any issues in his life. So there's definitely a
Speaker 2: different kind of connection than maybe just a friendship. It's
Speaker 2: a hard one because obviously he doesn't feel the same
Speaker 2: way and that probably stings a little bit initially. Is
Speaker 2: there hope, Yes, there's always a little bit of hope.
Speaker 2: I think how I would handle the situation is probably
Speaker 2: I would maybe distance myself a little bit from him
Speaker 2: and kind of get in that mode of out of sight,
Speaker 2: out of minds, and if your feelings are still there
Speaker 2: for him, then you never know what's going to happen.
Speaker 2: He might turn around, you know, a couple of weeks
Speaker 2: or a months down the road and says, hey, I
Speaker 2: thought about what you said. You never know if the
Speaker 2: other person's going to do that. But you obviously don't
Speaker 2: want to lose the friendship. So if you can, and
Speaker 2: if you feel that you can, you should definitely keep
Speaker 2: a good friendship going. But it's obviously disappointing that the
Speaker 2: other person hasn't expressed the same feelings romantically as you
Speaker 2: have to him.
Speaker 1: And so do you truly think that if someone has
Speaker 1: said you're like a sister to me, that they can
Speaker 1: then change their form feelings.
Speaker 2: I think it can change. I think it's maybe similar
Speaker 2: than having friends with benefits, where you're romantically involved but
Speaker 2: sort of with a guard and a distance to it.
Speaker 2: I mean, there are definitely people out there who started
Speaker 2: off as friends and then you know the usual story off,
Speaker 2: we've been friends since high school, and.
Speaker 1: I am going to have a very different opinion to you.
Speaker 2: Ben, don't be shocked.
Speaker 1: Well, I don't agree. But the reason I think that
Speaker 1: this is different, and this is be hard for you
Speaker 1: to hear, but I don't think he has an interest
Speaker 1: in you like that at all, and I don't think
Speaker 1: that he will. And the reason I say that, of course,
Speaker 1: there is a chance he can. No one can ever
Speaker 1: rule anything out. The reason I say that is because
Speaker 1: you aren't friends with benefits that you know you haven't
Speaker 1: been hooking up. But from all accounts, you've never hooked up.
Speaker 1: He's always just been a figure that's been there to
Speaker 1: look after you. So it's not like it's been a
Speaker 1: friends with benefits or it's been romantic and you're trying
Speaker 1: to say, hey, let's be more serious. You guys have
Speaker 1: had a relationship where he has told you that he
Speaker 1: looks at you like a sister, He protects you like
Speaker 1: a sister, he wants to continue to look after you
Speaker 1: and be there for you like a sister. I think
Speaker 1: it's very hard to transition from that to romantic when
Speaker 1: he says that that's how he feels. It's different one
Speaker 1: hundred percent. If he just said, oh, I just think
Speaker 1: we're really good friends, I would say, hey, yeah, like
Speaker 1: they could be hoped, because friendships do change. But the
Speaker 1: fact that he used like a sibling as his descriptor
Speaker 1: for you and your relationship makes me think that he
Speaker 1: has categorized your relationship into a completely different box. And
Speaker 1: I know that's not what you want to hear, and
Speaker 1: maybe that will change, but I think you do have
Speaker 1: to listen to what he has said.
Speaker 2: I definitely don't think she should be hanging around and
Speaker 2: trying to make an effort to eventually make this happen.
Speaker 2: Definitely not. You should live your life and you know,
Speaker 2: sort of move on, try and move on mentally, which
Speaker 2: is obviously very very hard, especially since you just opened up.
Speaker 2: You know, I'm very literal, so when you said is
Speaker 2: the hope, I would obviously say, yes, there's always hope.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Benny's very very little.
Speaker 2: But should you be hanging around and continue to make
Speaker 2: an effort and you did mention the thing of male
Speaker 2: pursuiting the female and stuff, No, you shouldn't because I
Speaker 2: think you're going to drive yourself crazy if he's never
Speaker 2: going to give you the same feeling back that you
Speaker 2: have for him. So I think you're just going to
Speaker 2: make life a little bit more harder for yourself.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I don't want to be out of place here
Speaker 1: because I haven't been in your situation. I haven't lost
Speaker 1: a parent and I haven't been going through the absolute
Speaker 1: grief and heartbreak that you would be going through now.
Speaker 1: But we have spoken to enough people over the years
Speaker 1: to try to understand the overwhelming feelings and confusion that
Speaker 1: can surround grief. I want you to ask yourself and
Speaker 1: think about this. Could there be a level of confusion
Speaker 1: in your feelings because you are in the depths of grief.
Speaker 1: You have just lost your mum and there is this
Speaker 1: person there that is looking after you and has said
Speaker 1: that they will continue to look after you and almost
Speaker 1: be your night and shining armor. And it's amazing that
Speaker 1: he's doing that. Everyone deserves to have that kind of
Speaker 1: a person. But I do wonder if you've never had
Speaker 1: those feelings before and those feelings are coming out now,
Speaker 1: they very well could be real. They absolutely could be like, Wow,
Speaker 1: you've been right in front of me all this time.
Speaker 1: But it also could be a lot of confusion because
Speaker 1: you have lost someone really important to you and that
Speaker 1: someone has showed up saying, hey, I'll be here for you,
Speaker 1: you know. So I do wonder, and only you can
Speaker 1: answer that if you think that these feelings could have
Speaker 1: come at this time because of everything else that's going
Speaker 1: on in your life and the tumultuous emotions that you
Speaker 1: know I can only imagine are completely engulfing you all
Speaker 1: day every day. It's hard because you don't want to
Speaker 1: completely distance yourself from this person because they are there
Speaker 1: for you and you do need the support and they
Speaker 1: were obviously a really important person to you, But you
Speaker 1: do need to give yourself enough space if you think
Speaker 1: you're falling for them and they've said that they're not.
Speaker 1: So it's a bit of a balancing act because you
Speaker 1: need to maintain the friendship. You don't want to drive
Speaker 1: him away. You don't want to lose it. You know,
Speaker 1: you don't want to be driven away yourself because you
Speaker 1: need that support. But there is a part of me
Speaker 1: that says, well, you have put it out there for now,
Speaker 1: and he has told you how he feels, and you can't. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: as much as you try, you can't change someone's feelings
Speaker 1: or thoughts about you by pushing harder. It's impossible. It
Speaker 1: just won't happen.
Speaker 2: It's an uphill battle.
Speaker 1: The second part of the question is about you know
Speaker 1: she feels like, yeah, she feels like the guy should
Speaker 1: always pursue you and not the other way around. That women,
Speaker 1: you know, should be the object of desire and know
Speaker 1: the male should always be the one that shows up
Speaker 1: and puts in the work and shows the interest. And
Speaker 1: whilst that is like a wonderful, beautiful fairy tale.
Speaker 2: I don't know. I I don't think that's I mean,
Speaker 2: I have pursued you pretty strongly because I was wild,
Speaker 2: but I know it's not always that way.
Speaker 1: No, I think absolutely not. I think you need to
Speaker 1: go after what you want. Those days are done, and
Speaker 1: in fact, those days never existed for me. Every person
Speaker 1: that I have ever had any relationship with, whether that's
Speaker 1: long term or dated or situationship, I've gone after like
Speaker 1: if I've been interested in them, I go after them.
Speaker 1: With you, it was different then, just because you're on
Speaker 1: the other side of the world, and like I showed
Speaker 1: my interest heavily, Yeah, but I just didn't think that
Speaker 1: it'd be anything there, So I probably didn't pursue you
Speaker 1: as much as if you lived here. If you lived
Speaker 1: in the same country, I would have pursued you hard up.
Speaker 2: There was definitely enough from you that made me feel like, oh,
Speaker 2: she's really interested, and there's probably enough from me that
Speaker 2: made you feel it's really pursuing me. So it's if
Speaker 2: both people pursue each other to a certain extent, then
Speaker 2: you know the interest is real.
Speaker 1: I definitely made out hook up happen for sure, Like
Speaker 1: we hooked up that first night because I was interested
Speaker 1: in you and I wanted it to happen. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think gone of the days, and you can tell me
Speaker 1: what you think. Gone are the days of women having
Speaker 1: to wait around for men Like those days were over
Speaker 1: decades ago.
Speaker 2: In my opinion, they're also shy men like me.
Speaker 1: Well, this is the question, are you adverse in any capacity?
Speaker 1: Does it put you off in any capacity when a
Speaker 1: woman approaches you, or are.
Speaker 2: You like, thank god, no, absolutely. Yeah. Sometimes it's like
Speaker 2: she's really cute, but you don't have the courage to
Speaker 2: go up to her or whatever the situation is, and
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, she's actually doing me a favor by
Speaker 2: being forthcoming and maybe making the first step or whatever.
Speaker 2: So that's definitely a nice sign. Maybe she thinks exactly
Speaker 2: the same. She's like, I wish this guy would come
Speaker 2: up to me, and you don't, or imagine what could
Speaker 2: happen if you do. Because we choked about this where
Speaker 2: if we just met out in a bar or somewhere,
Speaker 2: I'm not the type of guy would just come up
Speaker 2: to you. You said to me, like, I, if I
Speaker 2: met you, I would have hoped you would come up
Speaker 2: to me. You would give me signals and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: So well, that's the craziest I probably.
Speaker 2: Wouldn't pick them up.
Speaker 1: But no, you wouldn't pick them up. But that's that's
Speaker 1: the crazy thing, right, Like we're getting married, but if
Speaker 1: we met in the wild at a bar, we probably
Speaker 1: nothing would have happened. We would have well, I mean
Speaker 1: I might have come and talked to you. I would
Speaker 1: have given you some wings across the bar.
Speaker 2: It depends how many margaritas you've had.
Speaker 1: But it's crazy to think that just because of that,
Speaker 1: Because people are too shy, they don't shoot their shot.
Speaker 1: And that's why I say to everybody, shoot your shot.
Speaker 1: We're getting married, and we wouldn't have even spoken if
Speaker 1: we met in the wild. You've got nothing to lose it.
Speaker 1: This is what I think when women are like I'm
Speaker 1: too shy, or I don't want to ask, or what
Speaker 1: if he says no? My answer is always who cares?
Speaker 1: If he says no? Who cares?
Speaker 2: If they say no, It won't be your first, they
Speaker 2: won't be your last. Know.
Speaker 1: It's also not personal, right, especially if it's in the
Speaker 1: early days and it's you don't know them right, you're out,
Speaker 1: you've seen someone that tickles your fancy, gets your juices flowing,
Speaker 1: and you're like, hey, they're pretty cute. What do you
Speaker 1: have to lose If they're not interested in nothing? You
Speaker 1: don't know them, They don't know you, You don't know
Speaker 1: their situation, it doesn't matter if you only have something
Speaker 1: to gain. And I think that is in every situation.
Speaker 1: I say this to people, and Laura and I have
Speaker 1: had these discussions so many times. You have to put
Speaker 1: out what you want, whether that's in a job like
Speaker 1: in your work or something that you're going after, friends, relationships, sex.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. Put out what you want because if
Speaker 1: you don't, your answer is one hundred percent no. But
Speaker 1: if you do, there is a chance that you will
Speaker 1: get something that is incredible. Now that I've raised my points, Ben,
Speaker 1: do you still think that if a man has put
Speaker 1: someone in a category of like a sister, that can change.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it can change because whether he just thinks initially
Speaker 2: I was maybe a little bit scared, or I didn't
Speaker 2: know she felt that way, maybe I have given her
Speaker 2: certain signals that made her feel in a certain way,
Speaker 2: or maybe I do need to distance myself from this
Speaker 2: intimate friendship, or maybe well, actually she's right, we would
Speaker 2: make a nice couple, or we share so many things already,
Speaker 2: we see things the same way, like you just never
Speaker 2: know what develops from that.
Speaker 1: And just to give a perspective from the other side,
Speaker 1: I don't want to say this to give you false
Speaker 1: hope at all. But there is a small chance that
Speaker 1: maybe he just doesn't want to enter anything now because
Speaker 1: of the situation that you're in. He might be well
Speaker 1: enough in tuned with how the world works and emotions
Speaker 1: to know that it's not the right time to have
Speaker 1: those conversations when you're in the depth of grief as well.
Speaker 1: Next question is about long distance. Now, this was very long,
Speaker 1: so I've surmised.
Speaker 2: It, surmised, summarized. Who was the native English?
Speaker 1: I think you can say surmarized it. I've summarized it.
Speaker 1: This is a long question, so I have summarized it.
Speaker 1: I've been in a long distance relationship for three years.
Speaker 1: He lives in Europe, so I feel like this is
Speaker 1: why she's read.
Speaker 2: It's very simp fitting.
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, he lives in Europe. We haven't seen each
Speaker 1: other in four months, and I made a big mistake.
Speaker 1: I cheated on him on a night out. I didn't
Speaker 1: sleep with them, but I kissed somebody. I don't want anything.
Speaker 1: I'm never going to do it again. I feel extreme guilt.
Speaker 1: Do I tell my partner. I'm worried that if I
Speaker 1: tell him, he'll end it with me. But I know
Speaker 1: I'm never going to do it again, and I want
Speaker 1: to spend my life with him. What do I do this?
Speaker 2: Clem?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm really torn because.
Speaker 2: There's literally no good answer.
Speaker 1: No, I mean there is. I guess we should be
Speaker 1: saying to tell him to be honest in a relationship.
Speaker 1: That's the answer, right, That's that's the answer that you
Speaker 1: put on paper. I feel like it's probably what a
Speaker 1: psychologist would say. It's probably the right thing to say,
Speaker 1: is honesty is.
Speaker 2: Probably always the better choice. But but it's so hard,
Speaker 2: very very difficult situation.
Speaker 1: Make this our situation. All right, We've been together, we
Speaker 1: haven't seen each other in months, I kissed someone. Would
Speaker 1: you rather me tell you and it possibly, you know,
Speaker 1: cause this rift or ruin things or we break up
Speaker 1: or whatever it is. Or if you know and I
Speaker 1: know I'm never ever, ever, ever going to do it again?
Speaker 1: Would you rather it just was never brought up?
Speaker 2: The question isn't on me, The question is on you.
Speaker 1: If you should tell I'm asking you. Would you rather
Speaker 1: have not known so that the relationship can continue, knowing
Speaker 1: you know, like I know, it's never gonna happen again.
Speaker 1: Would you rather have me have dumped that on you
Speaker 1: and said I kissed someone, and then you've always got
Speaker 1: that thought.
Speaker 2: I think, because it's just a kiss, probably think I'd
Speaker 2: rather not know. And if you feel like, oh, if
Speaker 2: you know, like you're never going to do this mistake again,
Speaker 2: and it might do more damage telling than it would
Speaker 2: not telling and opening up. But yeah, because especially with
Speaker 2: the long distance, the way to hash this out is
Speaker 2: going to be extremely difficult, especially if you don't see
Speaker 2: each other for another four months. Right, So it's like.
Speaker 1: A part of you that thinks it's not worth the
Speaker 1: disruptions the rest of your life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a hard one because it's just a kiss.
Speaker 2: But a kiss can actually mean so much. When you
Speaker 2: kiss somebody, you think you initially know whether the person
Speaker 2: is for you or not.
Speaker 1: Oh that was deep. Yeah, Well I think she knows
Speaker 1: the person she kiss wasn't for her. I think long
Speaker 1: have they been together, like three years or something.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean that sounds like a pretty solid relationship.
Speaker 2: So you probably take that one to the grave. Take
Speaker 2: it to the grave, never speak of it, don't tell anyone,
Speaker 2: don't tell a friend. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I feel really guilty saying this because I've always wanted
Speaker 1: to know the truth and I've always said I think
Speaker 1: honest is the best policy. And I almost think I'm
Speaker 1: going to give you advice that people are not going
Speaker 1: to agree with. If it's really going to hurt him
Speaker 1: and crush him and you know you're never going to
Speaker 1: do it again, and you know what was the biggest mistake,
Speaker 1: and you just feel so much guilt, then I probably
Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't tell him and do that to him.
Speaker 1: I would just continue to be the best person you
Speaker 1: can be in that relationship and really up for him.
Speaker 1: Even as I say that out loud, I feel a
Speaker 1: bit guilty because.
Speaker 2: It's so fifty fifty, it's.
Speaker 1: So fifty to fifty. But I feel like I need
Speaker 1: to give you advice one way or the other. If
Speaker 1: you think that your relationship could be over because of
Speaker 1: what you did, if there's no way for him to
Speaker 1: ever find out, and I even feel guilty saying that,
Speaker 1: but if there's any inkling that he can find out,
Speaker 1: if you have shared friends, if people saw it, if
Speaker 1: anyone else knows, then you need to tell him absolutely,
Speaker 1: because if it comes from someone else laid down the track,
Speaker 1: it's going to be devastating and ten times worse. But
Speaker 1: if it's like you're in a different city and no
Speaker 1: one knew, and there's no way for anyone to find out,
Speaker 1: and this guy's a stranger that you don't even know.
Speaker 1: Then I probably wouldn't I wouldn't risk it, but I
Speaker 1: would spend the rest of my life being an amazing
Speaker 1: person and I would never do it again. And if
Speaker 1: you ever cheat again, then you either are in the
Speaker 1: wrong relationship or you do need to tell him. And
Speaker 1: I know people are going to thoroughly disagree.
Speaker 2: With that you canceled.
Speaker 1: Well, I just think like you're going to completely blow
Speaker 1: up someone's life and your own for something that you
Speaker 1: think is like a really big mistake. And that's why
Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you what you would rather ben,
Speaker 1: if you'd rather be take that to the grave. Laura
Speaker 1: and I have had this discussion many times, sometimes on
Speaker 1: the podcast, sometimes just in person. We both agree the
Speaker 1: same kind of thing if our partner had just if
Speaker 1: this was reversed and you had just kissed someone one night,
Speaker 1: didn't know them, never want to see them again, felt
Speaker 1: so guilty, loved me, want to spend your life with me.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to know. I would not want to
Speaker 1: know because that stays in that relationship forever. But if
Speaker 1: you slept with someone, absolutely that's a whole different kettle
Speaker 1: of fish that you need to be talking about. I mean,
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, obviously it's up to you,
Speaker 1: that's a no brainer. But I would just be trying
Speaker 1: to show up now and be the best person you
Speaker 1: can be and work on you know, figure out why
Speaker 1: you did it in the first place. Is obviously a
Speaker 1: reason that you did it. Maybe that's what needs looking at.
Speaker 1: If there is a bit of a hole in the relationship,
Speaker 1: or is it just that you're I hate to say it,
Speaker 1: but you haven't seen them in months or a bit lonely,
Speaker 1: and that's thinking, not that that's an excuse. You know,
Speaker 1: Ben and I we only saw each other for a
Speaker 1: week in the last six months. And I would never
Speaker 1: cheat on you, and assuming you would never cheat on me.
Speaker 1: But yeah, it's really tricky and people are going to
Speaker 1: hate us for saying that, but I'd be taking that
Speaker 1: onto the grave. So I've been seeing this guy off
Speaker 1: and on for a year, and last night he asked
Speaker 1: me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I've been
Speaker 1: searching for love for years now, so this should have
Speaker 1: made me the happiest girl ever. He's very into me.
Speaker 1: He has told me and shown me so much. The
Speaker 1: thing is, he's eight years younger than me. Get a girl.
Speaker 1: I've reached an age where I hope my next partner
Speaker 1: is my last. I want to have kids and times
Speaker 1: a ticken. You know how it is. I like him,
Speaker 1: We get a long grade. We have similar goals and values.
Speaker 1: But I guess my question is is he too young?
Speaker 1: And how do you know?
Speaker 2: I feel naturally in your mid twenties, the age gap
Speaker 2: can be more of a problem in terms of the
Speaker 2: other person being more mature and having more life experience.
Speaker 2: I think when you're you know, let's say the person's
Speaker 2: eighteen and you're eight years older, those eight years, I
Speaker 2: think are much more significant in your how you developed
Speaker 2: as a per and a character, how you see life,
Speaker 2: what you've already experienced in life. If you're sort of
Speaker 2: in your mid thirties, I don't think it's that big
Speaker 2: of an age gap. Our age gap is not eight years,
Speaker 2: but it's still five years. It's five years. It's still
Speaker 2: for some people quite a significant age gap. If we
Speaker 2: were dating and I was eighteen and you were twenty three.
Speaker 2: I think we would look at it differently. I think
Speaker 2: you should give it a goal.
Speaker 1: I think age is only a problem. If age is
Speaker 1: a problem. If it's not a problem, it's not a problem.
Speaker 1: And that seems so basic, but it's true. Everyone grows
Speaker 1: and matures at a different point. Everyone wants different things
Speaker 1: at different ages. If he is showing up and being
Speaker 1: everything that you want him to be and he wants
Speaker 1: the same things, if you guys are on the same timeline,
Speaker 1: then it genuinely doesn't matter. At the end of the day.
Speaker 1: It is a number. But if he is saying, hey,
Speaker 1: I really like you, but i'm know when you're ready
Speaker 1: to have kids yet, and you know that you are,
Speaker 1: then then that's when it's a problem. People put a
Speaker 1: lot of emphasis on age and numbers, and I genuinely
Speaker 1: don't get it. I don't think it matters.
Speaker 2: No, I agree how mature you are, how you see things.
Speaker 2: And we always joke, remember when we looked at each
Speaker 2: other's pictures from like ten years ago and we thought, oh,
Speaker 2: we would have never dated each other.
Speaker 1: Man, what does that go to? It has nothing to
Speaker 1: do with anything. Yes, I know you wouldn't have dated
Speaker 1: me when I was twenty five, I had a glow
Speaker 1: up and so.
Speaker 2: Did you yes? Or did I string me? But I
Speaker 2: think the kids conversation is you've just sort of started
Speaker 2: out in this relationship. So I feel like the kid's
Speaker 2: conversation is definitely one to half. But I don't think
Speaker 2: it's the one where you're going to have to have
Speaker 2: the answer immediately.
Speaker 1: Oh, I disagree.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: The thing is you guys haven't said your age is here,
Speaker 1: but you have said times ticking and I want kids
Speaker 1: and I need my next relationship to be It's which
Speaker 1: makes me think maybe your late twenties, early thirties. I
Speaker 1: don't know, that's that's my guess. So I do think
Speaker 1: that that conversation matters because it matters to her, Like
Speaker 1: you are literally deciding now if you want to be
Speaker 1: his girlfriend officially because you want kids and you're worried
Speaker 1: about that. He has asked you to be his girlfriend officially,
Speaker 1: meaning he has that interest and he wants something serious
Speaker 1: with you. Ask him say hey, before I commit to this.
Speaker 1: You know, the age gap isn't the hesitation, but our
Speaker 1: timeline of what we want could be. Where are you at?
Speaker 1: How do you feel about kids? When do you see
Speaker 1: them in your future? Would you see them with me?
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with explaining what you want. And you know,
Speaker 1: like Ben and I are five years difference. Sorry Ben,
Speaker 1: but my ex relationship Jordan, he and I were seven
Speaker 1: years difference. And just as an example, when he and
Speaker 1: I started dating, I was about to freeze my eggs
Speaker 1: for the first time because I was significantly older than him.
Speaker 1: He was mid twenties, and I was like, you know what,
Speaker 1: this is where I am at in my life. I'm
Speaker 1: just going to be honest and if he's not at
Speaker 1: that point then then that's fine. But I'll just tell
Speaker 1: him and he can do what he wants with information.
Speaker 1: And he thought it was great. There was nothing wrong
Speaker 1: that he was twenty six years old. I was in
Speaker 1: my thirties early thirties, and he was like, yeah, go
Speaker 1: for it, Like, let's do that. It doesn't mean we're
Speaker 1: going to have kids right now, but if we thought
Speaker 1: that there was a future he was mature enough. The
Speaker 1: number didn't mean anything. He was at a different point
Speaker 1: of his life. And the same thing has happened with you, Ben,
Speaker 1: Like you're five years younger than me. We froze eggs
Speaker 1: embryos together within six months, so like, you know, we
Speaker 1: literally had I'm pretty sure it was six months, which
Speaker 1: is so early when you think about it, but not
Speaker 1: early when you know, and not early when the timeline
Speaker 1: suits us.
Speaker 2: I think that's what I was trying to say. That's
Speaker 2: like you have to have the kids conversation, but it's
Speaker 2: not like you don't have to have the answer straight away,
Speaker 2: Like we still don't have the answer, and we're getting
Speaker 2: married and we're two years in and we still don't
Speaker 2: know three frozen babies, yeah, and we still don't know
Speaker 2: how and when are we going to do this? I
Speaker 2: think because you've already been sort of dating for a
Speaker 2: year and he's now officially asked you to be his girlfriend,
Speaker 2: he will be ready for this conversation. And if he's
Speaker 2: not ready for this conversation about kids, then you know,
Speaker 2: maybe you should rethink whether you're going to be officially
Speaker 2: a couple.
Speaker 1: I think you'd be crazy to lose out on the
Speaker 1: potential of your person and a great relationship because of
Speaker 1: a number, because of how old he is. So be upfront,
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to have the conversation, to tell him
Speaker 1: what you want, what you're after, what you're looking for
Speaker 1: and just let him respond however he wants to respond,
Speaker 1: and you can make your decision based off that. But
Speaker 1: what I can say is it's a good life being
Speaker 1: a cougar. Well, that is it from us, guys. We
Speaker 1: have to get out of here. We have to go
Speaker 1: and get a plane to Switzerland. Thanks for getting on
Speaker 1: the podcast, Ben. I know it's not your probably your
Speaker 1: favorite thing to do.
Speaker 2: It makes me appreciate how difficult your and Laura's job is,
Speaker 2: and I probably should get better at it. If people
Speaker 2: want me to come back from well, we.
Speaker 1: Don't know if they will now. Well, guys, hope you
Speaker 1: enjoyed the rest of the holiday season. We're going to
Speaker 1: be back with regular programming a bit of different programming
Speaker 1: very very soon. But in the meantime, Ben, don't forget.
Speaker 2: All your dogs.
Speaker 1: No no, you listen to every episode. Tell you I
Speaker 1: switch off at the end, Tell you friends and whatever
Speaker 1: so your mum told your dad, Tell your dog to
Speaker 1: your friends, and share the love because we love love,
Speaker 1: all right,