1
00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,840
Speaker 1: Asking great questions and having great conversations with our children

2
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:14,760
Speaker 1: can help build emotional regulation and emotional intelligence, and it's

3
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:18,360
Speaker 1: associated with lower anxiety and depression in our kids. How

4
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:20,720
Speaker 1: good is that? Goday? Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast,

5
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:25,000
Speaker 1: Real parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting pod.

6
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:28,200
Speaker 1: We are Justin and Clybek Coulson and today on the pod,

7
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:31,680
Speaker 1: how to get your kids talking about stuff that matters,

8
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:35,839
Speaker 1: real stuff, real conversations. We've got five core questions to

9
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,760
Speaker 1: ask your kids during whatever conversations you're having at dinner,

10
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,680
Speaker 1: in the car, or maybe when you're having bedtime snuggles.

11
00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:45,879
Speaker 2: How many times have you asked your kids how their

12
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:46,400
Speaker 2: day went?

13
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:50,720
Speaker 1: And being back with her fine Mah, I asked one

14
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:52,640
Speaker 1: of our kids that question the other day. Lazy question

15
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,160
Speaker 1: and I got lazy answer. You know what she said

16
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,040
Speaker 1: to me. This was our ten year old. She goes, eh, mid,

17
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,200
Speaker 1: I was like, holy smokes.

18
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,400
Speaker 2: So often we ask questions so our kids just shrug off, yeah,

19
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:07,959
Speaker 2: totally nothing standard answers. So in our home we've been

20
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:12,199
Speaker 2: really really intentional about asking questions at dinner time.

21
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, our dinner conversations are some of my favorite discussions

22
00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:15,360
Speaker 1: of the day.

23
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:20,319
Speaker 2: And we have six daughters, so we're never lacking for conversation. Actually,

24
00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:20,720
Speaker 2: I've got a.

25
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,360
Speaker 1: Joke for you, yep, not I know where you're going

26
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:29,479
Speaker 1: with this. Who's there interrupting? Caw interrupting can So everyone

27
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,920
Speaker 1: else is laughing at that, I think, But for some context,

28
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,920
Speaker 1: this was a joke that we heard on The Victor

29
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,199
Speaker 1: of Dibley, like twenty five years ago or something like that.

30
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,559
Speaker 2: And it describes every dinner conversation in our house.

31
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:45,720
Speaker 1: There is it's rare that there are less than two

32
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:51,160
Speaker 1: people talking at anyone time, just six daughters. So much noise,

33
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,720
Speaker 1: so much conversation.

34
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,640
Speaker 2: So much so that we're now when my parents come

35
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:58,400
Speaker 2: to visit, they're used to having very very quiet, sedentary,

36
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,840
Speaker 2: very dates, and then they come to our house and

37
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,360
Speaker 2: they kind of get a headache when they sit at

38
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,680
Speaker 2: the dinner table with us. This is so much conversation.

39
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:09,720
Speaker 1: They've almost stopped coming to our house. Let's be honest.

40
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:14,440
Speaker 1: Good questions get great answers, and lazy questions get lazy answers.

41
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:18,120
Speaker 1: So kylie before we hit the questions and help everyone

42
00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:22,520
Speaker 1: to fire up the conversations. The questions are not all

43
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,480
Speaker 1: dinner conversations. By the way, some of these are really

44
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,480
Speaker 1: personal and quite intimate questions that we've got for you today.

45
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,120
Speaker 1: But before we hit the questions, I want to share

46
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:35,400
Speaker 1: three evidence based reasons that these conversations matter.

47
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,000
Speaker 2: Are you trying to push in a doctor's desk?

48
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:41,079
Speaker 1: Not just it really matters. I mean, we've got I

49
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,160
Speaker 1: got a PhD answer in college, and I'll like to

50
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,720
Speaker 1: tell people that this stuff matters, all right. Number One,

51
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,359
Speaker 1: everyone loves talking to their kids. I mean, it's such

52
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,400
Speaker 1: a delight, it's such a thrill to ask them great questions.

53
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,040
Speaker 1: But we've got to know how to do it. First

54
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,040
Speaker 1: piece of research that matters here. This comes from Harvard

55
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,160
Speaker 1: Center on the Developing Child, Long and Channel research shows

56
00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,919
Speaker 1: that supportive back and forth conversations one of the most

57
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:05,400
Speaker 1: powerful builders of executive function and emotional regulation in kids.

58
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,600
Speaker 1: So executive function is the ability to think things through,

59
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:12,680
Speaker 1: to delay gratification, to be planful and considered, to take

60
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:16,400
Speaker 1: other people's perspective. I mean, it's just having these conversations

61
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,600
Speaker 1: does so much for our children's brains, from the earliest

62
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,480
Speaker 1: ages right through into their teens and twenties. It's a

63
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,480
Speaker 1: profoundly important thing to do.

64
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,960
Speaker 2: We actually watched this play out so beautifully with our

65
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,800
Speaker 2: fourteen year old the other day. She's desperate to go

66
00:03:31,919 --> 00:03:33,679
Speaker 2: on a free range horse ride.

67
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,400
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, So she's volunteering at Glenworth Valley on the

68
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,720
Speaker 1: New South Wales Central Coasts. She goes down there a

69
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,120
Speaker 1: couple times a year and just spends a couple of

70
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:45,360
Speaker 1: weeks looking after horses, and as part of the volunteer

71
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,080
Speaker 1: process she gets some free trail rides. But once you've

72
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,960
Speaker 1: been there long enough, they let you go on a

73
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,640
Speaker 1: trail ride all on your own. They call it free ranging.

74
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,400
Speaker 2: And she really wants to do this thing, but I

75
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,360
Speaker 2: just don't feel like she's ready for it yet. And

76
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:02,000
Speaker 2: she knew that asking mission to have me sign the

77
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,600
Speaker 2: authority form was a really big deal.

78
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,320
Speaker 1: When I was here, right Joel had just forged it,

79
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:07,480
Speaker 1: and so she.

80
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,000
Speaker 2: Came to me. She said, Mom, I'd really like to

81
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,480
Speaker 2: have a conversation with you about the opportunity to go

82
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,520
Speaker 2: free ranging. And I said, ah, I said, I don't

83
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,520
Speaker 2: think you're ready for that. And I was busy and

84
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,200
Speaker 2: I wasn't in a position to sit down with her

85
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,640
Speaker 2: at the time, And so she said I could see

86
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:25,080
Speaker 2: the emotion boiling up inside her. So she calmed herself

87
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,200
Speaker 2: down and she came back to me about five minutes later,

88
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:28,960
Speaker 2: and she said, I'd really like it if we could

89
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,800
Speaker 2: sit down and have an adult conversation about this, please, Mum.

90
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,200
Speaker 2: And I said okay. So I took some time to

91
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,200
Speaker 2: just kind of let her emotions set all a bit more,

92
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,480
Speaker 2: and then we sat down together and I said to her,

93
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,440
Speaker 2: tell me what you're thinking, and she said, I know

94
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:47,000
Speaker 2: this is a really big deal. She said, I recognized

95
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,920
Speaker 2: that there's danger involved and I haven't been writing for

96
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,960
Speaker 2: very long, and that it could be really hard for

97
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,680
Speaker 2: you to say yes. But I want you to know

98
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,720
Speaker 2: that these are the reasons why I think I should

99
00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:59,880
Speaker 2: be allowed to do it. And so she talked through it,

100
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:01,240
Speaker 2: and I said, well, I'm going to need to talk

101
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:02,880
Speaker 2: to Doubt about it, and I probably actually I'm going

102
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,839
Speaker 2: to talk to your big sister who used to work there,

103
00:05:05,279 --> 00:05:07,640
Speaker 2: and see if she's got a contact down there who's

104
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,800
Speaker 2: seen you ride, because at this point I don't have

105
00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:12,960
Speaker 2: any visuals. I don't know what your writing ability is

106
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,560
Speaker 2: at the moment. I said, are you okay with that?

107
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,440
Speaker 2: And she said, yeah, that's fine. So I had the

108
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,560
Speaker 2: conversations and I came back to her and I said, look,

109
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,599
Speaker 2: I still don't feel comfortable with it, and she was

110
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:27,839
Speaker 2: really really upset, but she also recognized that this was

111
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:31,560
Speaker 2: important and that the way she responded was also important

112
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:35,600
Speaker 2: and would impact her capacity moving forward to have this opportunity.

113
00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:38,240
Speaker 2: As a result of that, we were able to work

114
00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:40,320
Speaker 2: out a way that she could actually do it, and

115
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,440
Speaker 2: her big sister's going to take her and she's so

116
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,919
Speaker 2: excited about it. But it was the maturity that she

117
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:49,599
Speaker 2: had because of the conversations we've had previously, that she

118
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,160
Speaker 2: was able to sit in that hard place and recognize

119
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,119
Speaker 2: that mom and dad love me enough that they're willing

120
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,120
Speaker 2: to go through this with.

121
00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:00,360
Speaker 1: Me, even without being interrupting. I can't see and cow

122
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,840
Speaker 1: on the podcast. It sounds so bad. The second research

123
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,120
Speaker 1: factories and other than emotion regulation and executive function building,

124
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,279
Speaker 1: a Minnesota longer channel study of risk and adaptation found

125
00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:14,239
Speaker 1: that children who experienced regular, meaningful conversations with parents showed

126
00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:19,400
Speaker 1: significantly higher levels of emotional intelligence and stronger relationship skills

127
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:20,480
Speaker 1: in adulthood.

128
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,040
Speaker 2: Again, that conversation, it just played out so beautifully.

129
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,279
Speaker 1: Number three there was some of the research from Arizona

130
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,640
Speaker 1: State University. This is doctor Sania Luther who found that

131
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:34,360
Speaker 1: these conversations act as a protective factor against mental health challenges.

132
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,640
Speaker 1: This is so important to me that we emphasize this

133
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,240
Speaker 1: so much research from all around the world, not just

134
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,000
Speaker 1: this Arizona State University research shows that kids that are

135
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,320
Speaker 1: having regular, meaningful discussions with their parents are significantly less

136
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,359
Speaker 1: likely to have depression and anxiety during adolescents. In this

137
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,719
Speaker 1: particular research, forty eight percent lower rates of anxiety and depression.

138
00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:55,880
Speaker 1: These big numbers. This is a really significant thing, and

139
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,320
Speaker 1: it basically comes down to my parents are available, my

140
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:03,040
Speaker 1: parents are willing to listen. My parents are engaging with

141
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,159
Speaker 1: me on stuff that matters to me. They care about me.

142
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:10,480
Speaker 1: It's the conversations that build resilience and help our children

143
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,880
Speaker 1: to thrive. So, Kylie, with that as background as to

144
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,960
Speaker 1: why this matters, why don't you run through the five

145
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,120
Speaker 1: questions that I've picked as the most important things we

146
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,920
Speaker 1: can talk to our kids as the year kicks off.

147
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,040
Speaker 2: Number one, what are some things that you're most excited

148
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,440
Speaker 2: about for twenty twenty five.

149
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,560
Speaker 1: So I put this question in here because when you

150
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,040
Speaker 1: ask kids, what they're looking forward to, what they're excited about.

151
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:34,400
Speaker 1: We build hope and optimism. Hope and optimism inoculate against

152
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,840
Speaker 1: depression and anxiety. Yesterday we talked about resetting for twenty

153
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:41,080
Speaker 1: twenty five on the pod, and that's what these kinds

154
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,440
Speaker 1: of questions do. What are you excited about? Gets you

155
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,280
Speaker 1: focused on where we're headed and creating new patterns and

156
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,480
Speaker 1: new ways of doing things.

157
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:51,000
Speaker 2: Number two, is there anything you're nervous or worried about

158
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:51,560
Speaker 2: for this year?

159
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:54,920
Speaker 1: This one's important. Probably not around the dinner table, because

160
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,960
Speaker 1: the dinner table should be a bit more light and fun,

161
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,920
Speaker 1: like what are you excited about? But maybe in the

162
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,600
Speaker 1: car or maybe bedtime. If you've picked up that your

163
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,480
Speaker 1: child is a little bit nervous because of any number

164
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,760
Speaker 1: of reasons. Inviting them to open up in an appropriate

165
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,960
Speaker 1: environment helps them to feel safe, that they get to

166
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,280
Speaker 1: feel this too, And then we can move from what's

167
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,360
Speaker 1: known as emotion focus coping, which is probably what our

168
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:18,000
Speaker 1: kids are doing. They're focused all about how they're feeling,

169
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,360
Speaker 1: and we can move to problem focus coping, which says,

170
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,000
Speaker 1: all right, let's develop some strategies, like as parents, it's

171
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,280
Speaker 1: not our job to do the strategy, but it is

172
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,560
Speaker 1: our job to support our kids as they develop the strategy,

173
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,880
Speaker 1: and this is a great question for allowing and facilitating that.

174
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,480
Speaker 2: Number three, What's something you'd love to learn or try

175
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:35,960
Speaker 2: this year?

176
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,600
Speaker 1: I just love this one for creating opportunities to support

177
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,360
Speaker 1: your kids and seeing them in large. We're so focused

178
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,880
Speaker 1: on helping our children to be happy, and I think

179
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,840
Speaker 1: that's the wrong focus. I know that's a really harsh

180
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,160
Speaker 1: and maybe even critical thing to say, but if you

181
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,400
Speaker 1: want your kids to be happy, just give them ice

182
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,480
Speaker 1: cream for breakfast, let them sleep into whenever they want,

183
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,800
Speaker 1: let them play video games. That makes them happy, right,

184
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,760
Speaker 1: Obviously that's hedonic happiness. It's short term, but happiness is

185
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,880
Speaker 1: a short term thing. I'm more interested in enlargement. How

186
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,640
Speaker 1: do I help my child to develop, to be enriched,

187
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,960
Speaker 1: to enlarge their own lives in the lives of others,

188
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,679
Speaker 1: And that question, what's something you'd love to learn or

189
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,800
Speaker 1: something you'd love to try this year is about enlargement

190
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:15,520
Speaker 1: and enrichment.

191
00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:19,560
Speaker 2: Number four is probably my favorite. When do you feel

192
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,440
Speaker 2: most like you? Yeah?

193
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,440
Speaker 1: Why do you like that one? I've got some reasons myself,

194
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,480
Speaker 1: But why do you like that one?

195
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,280
Speaker 2: I just love it because in asking that question, you

196
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:32,520
Speaker 2: are literally giving them the opportunity for you to see

197
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:37,480
Speaker 2: all of them. It's such a It's a question that

198
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,760
Speaker 2: says I want to know you, I want to know

199
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,120
Speaker 2: all of you, And I just think that that's so

200
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,719
Speaker 2: enlarging and en daring to a relationship.

201
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,200
Speaker 1: I was going to talk about identity development and friendship

202
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,640
Speaker 1: and understanding hobbies and things, but I like your answer

203
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:53,160
Speaker 1: way more.

204
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:57,160
Speaker 2: And the fifth one, number five, what qualities do you

205
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,160
Speaker 2: admire in others and which ones would you like to

206
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,720
Speaker 2: develop in yourself? I love this one too.

207
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, go ahead, I love this one too.

208
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,720
Speaker 2: Because I think it's really important for us to have

209
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:13,280
Speaker 2: conversations around the positive attributes of others. It's really helpful

210
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,439
Speaker 2: for our kids to be able to look outside themselves.

211
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,040
Speaker 2: We've given them an opportunity to be introspective, and now

212
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,440
Speaker 2: this is an opportunity for them to actually look outside

213
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:26,240
Speaker 2: of themselves, recognize and acknowledge the goodness in others, and

214
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:30,239
Speaker 2: then how they can implement those qualities in themselves.

215
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,040
Speaker 1: That's a really really healthy attribute to have to see

216
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:37,000
Speaker 1: the goodness in others without envy and jealousy, but rather

217
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,920
Speaker 1: to just appreciate great people in their lives.

218
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's cultivating gratefulness.

219
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:45,080
Speaker 1: After the break, how how we're supposed to get these

220
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,840
Speaker 1: conversations working, especially when the kids are a little reluctant

221
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:58,760
Speaker 1: to open up, Kylie, Let's talk about two basic and

222
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:03,400
Speaker 1: practical ways to get these five conversations working. In fact,

223
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,640
Speaker 1: regardless whether it's these five questions or any other questions

224
00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:07,800
Speaker 1: that you want to have with your kids, I think

225
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,240
Speaker 1: that there are two things that every parent needs to know.

226
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,480
Speaker 1: Parents will often say to me, I asked my kids

227
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,199
Speaker 1: how their day was, and they don't give me anything.

228
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,360
Speaker 1: They say merh or it was fine, as we mentioned

229
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,800
Speaker 1: at the start of the podcast, and I think that

230
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,560
Speaker 1: it has a lot to do with the two things

231
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,600
Speaker 1: that I want to discuss now. The first is timing

232
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,160
Speaker 1: and the second is technique. Let's talk timing. You and

233
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,400
Speaker 1: I have talked about this a lot in our home.

234
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,920
Speaker 2: We've used the example of asking the kids how their

235
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,199
Speaker 2: day was. Generally speaking, we either do that as soon

236
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,560
Speaker 2: as they get in the car or as soon as

237
00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:37,720
Speaker 2: they walk in the door after.

238
00:11:37,559 --> 00:11:39,920
Speaker 1: School, right, And the example that I always use when

239
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,920
Speaker 1: I'm running my workshops is when you walk in the

240
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,040
Speaker 1: door after a long day at work, or when you

241
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,840
Speaker 1: jump into the car after a long day at work

242
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,240
Speaker 1: and there's somebody with you who says, hey, how was

243
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,200
Speaker 1: your day. Do you have a look at them and say,

244
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:52,960
Speaker 1: I'm so glad you asked let me tell you all

245
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,719
Speaker 1: about it. No, of course not. Everyone looks at me.

246
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,120
Speaker 1: And last, when I say it in a workshop, they're like,

247
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:58,680
Speaker 1: oh no. When I walk in the door, I'm just like,

248
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,280
Speaker 1: let me breathe, give me a minute, I need to recalibrate.

249
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:06,960
Speaker 1: Let me like. As adults, when do we feel like talking.

250
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,000
Speaker 2: When the pressure is off, when there's food.

251
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right, something in my belly, and preferably when

252
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,079
Speaker 1: I'm either sitting down or laying down, and so we're

253
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,520
Speaker 1: having the conversations at the right time. After school doesn't work,

254
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,440
Speaker 1: and when we're in a flap or a fluster or

255
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,800
Speaker 1: they are, it doesn't work.

256
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,920
Speaker 2: So for us, the times that have actually worked the

257
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,880
Speaker 2: best around the dinner table. If we get things right

258
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:30,400
Speaker 2: and we have a stress free meal at dinner time,

259
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,600
Speaker 2: the conversation doesn't stop. It's wonderful.

260
00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:37,920
Speaker 1: And we've created that over the many years of saying

261
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,640
Speaker 1: what were you're grateful for today? What made you feel

262
00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:41,600
Speaker 1: great today? Who were you kind to today? Who did

263
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:44,720
Speaker 1: you help today? Who helped you today? How did you

264
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,960
Speaker 1: show some self control today? How did you demonstrate whatever

265
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,360
Speaker 1: it is? What did you achieve today?

266
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:51,040
Speaker 2: Yeah?

267
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,640
Speaker 1: What's the thing you learned? By asking these questions at

268
00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:54,880
Speaker 1: the dinner table when everyone's feeling good, they've got food,

269
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,560
Speaker 1: and everybody's taking their turn. It's taught the kids to

270
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,520
Speaker 1: really really I mean, they've become some of the most

271
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,240
Speaker 1: cherished parts of our day.

272
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:07,400
Speaker 2: And then the second time, actually, to our disappointment, sometimes

273
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:11,200
Speaker 2: is actually bedtime. We're ready to close our eyes, and

274
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,160
Speaker 2: the kids just want to keep talking.

275
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:14,560
Speaker 1: Question again.

276
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:19,240
Speaker 2: They feel safe, Yeah, they feel connected and they want

277
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:21,959
Speaker 2: to share. Our kids want to share with us. But

278
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:23,400
Speaker 2: just picking the wrong times.

279
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,400
Speaker 1: I didn't mean to talk over you, but bedtime has

280
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,280
Speaker 1: become the wrong time for us, because now that we've

281
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,840
Speaker 1: got kids who are in their teens and older, with

282
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,520
Speaker 1: the exception of Emily, our youngest, we go to bed

283
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,600
Speaker 1: before them all. Now we're officially that old, they're officially

284
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,319
Speaker 1: that young or that old or whatever it is, and

285
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,640
Speaker 1: we can't keep up. We can't stay up, so we

286
00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:43,040
Speaker 1: try to have our conversations not at bedtime. But when

287
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:47,520
Speaker 1: you've got younger kids, bedtime is just oh, it's sacred,

288
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,959
Speaker 1: isn't it. I don't know, it's just the best. We've

289
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:55,280
Speaker 1: also created some other traditions around outside of dinner time.

290
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:59,319
Speaker 1: Just going for a walk with the kids is something

291
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,200
Speaker 1: so good about for a walk and having a chat

292
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,760
Speaker 1: with no agenda. And we've talked about this in the

293
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,440
Speaker 1: pod before, but I've developed a stronger relationship, specifically with

294
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,720
Speaker 1: our son in law by having regular breakfast chats. So

295
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,280
Speaker 1: I take him out for breakfast once a month, though

296
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,000
Speaker 1: actually I've been pretty slack lately. It's been a lot

297
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,520
Speaker 1: less than that. But we used to go up for

298
00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:18,440
Speaker 1: breakfast once a month, and I'm going to start again

299
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:22,200
Speaker 1: this weekend to have breakfast chats where there's no agenda,

300
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,600
Speaker 1: but we're just enjoying being in one other's company and

301
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,000
Speaker 1: eating good food. Food seems to go a hand in

302
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,000
Speaker 1: hand with conversation a lot when it comes to timing,

303
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:33,640
Speaker 1: so timing car drives, family walks, bedtime, breakfast, that sort

304
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:38,120
Speaker 1: of thing. So that's timing. The second one is technique, Kylie.

305
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,680
Speaker 1: There's a saying that girls do things face to face

306
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,240
Speaker 1: and boys do things side by side. I think the

307
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,600
Speaker 1: girls are much more likely to have face to face conversations.

308
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,240
Speaker 1: But even as a dad of six daughters, I've discovered

309
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,360
Speaker 1: that our daughters are pretty happy to have side by

310
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,960
Speaker 1: side conversations a lot as well. They seem to do

311
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:53,840
Speaker 1: really well with both.

312
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:58,000
Speaker 2: I think that when you're having difficult conversations in general,

313
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,720
Speaker 2: I don't think it's just kids. I think that in general,

314
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,920
Speaker 2: we actually handle the conversations better if we're actually doing

315
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:08,720
Speaker 2: something side by side. So whether it's gardening where we're

316
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,240
Speaker 2: just you know, pulling some weeds together, we're side by side,

317
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,520
Speaker 2: we're going for a walk along the beach, we're riding

318
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:20,840
Speaker 2: our bikes. Just times where we can do something together

319
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:25,680
Speaker 2: that doesn't require brain power but enables us to not

320
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:29,280
Speaker 2: have to think entirely about the words that we're saying.

321
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,080
Speaker 1: There's a principal, Kylie that I think is a really

322
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,640
Speaker 1: powerful technique. Once you get the children talking, you've asked

323
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,600
Speaker 1: them a good question, they're opening up, they're sharing. It's

324
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,120
Speaker 1: called the weight principal wait, and weight is an acronym

325
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,440
Speaker 1: for why am I talking. If you open your mouth

326
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,520
Speaker 1: when your children are talking, you need to shut it

327
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,800
Speaker 1: again and just ask yourself, why am I talking? Because

328
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,280
Speaker 1: this is their opportunity. When I wrote my book Misconnection,

329
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,840
Speaker 1: Why your teenage daughter hates you, expects the world and

330
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,880
Speaker 1: needs to talk. The overwhelming response I got from girls

331
00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,720
Speaker 1: when I said what do you want your parents to know?

332
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,520
Speaker 1: Was I just need you to listen. So using silence,

333
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:10,520
Speaker 1: effectively pausing when they've stopped talking, maintaining the silence so

334
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:14,320
Speaker 1: that they can add more information, It can be so

335
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:15,880
Speaker 1: so so important.

336
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,200
Speaker 2: The next one is following up with tell me more,

337
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,360
Speaker 2: Get curious. When our kids have things to tell us,

338
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,960
Speaker 2: get curious, ask them what can you tell me more

339
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:25,320
Speaker 2: about this?

340
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,600
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, And they love it. They're like, oh my goodness,

341
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,040
Speaker 1: my parents are truly listening.

342
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,400
Speaker 2: And lastly, don't try and solve their problems unless.

343
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,280
Speaker 1: They actually ask right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

344
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,840
Speaker 2: They just want you to listen.

345
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,560
Speaker 1: Exactly, And when they do have a problem, going back

346
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,560
Speaker 1: to what I was talking about before, you can facilitate

347
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,240
Speaker 1: their problem solving by saying, well, that sounds like a

348
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,600
Speaker 1: pretty tricky situation. What do you think would be the

349
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,680
Speaker 1: best way forward? If they say I don't know, you say, oh, well,

350
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,600
Speaker 1: I'm here for you. If you have any ideas, and

351
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,760
Speaker 1: if you need any ideas, let me know and I'll

352
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,520
Speaker 1: be glad to help out. So those are five useful

353
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,720
Speaker 1: questions and two really powerful strategies. Timing is everything and

354
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:02,400
Speaker 1: getting your technique right to have helpful, positive conversations with

355
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,720
Speaker 1: your children. We will put those questions into the show notes.

356
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,040
Speaker 1: Hopefully you've noticed our new and improved show notes this year.

357
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,800
Speaker 1: We've been working very hard on them for the last

358
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,960
Speaker 1: well two days. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by

359
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,560
Speaker 1: Justin Rulan from Bridge Media. We would love it if

360
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,879
Speaker 1: you would leave us a rating and review. When you

361
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,679
Speaker 1: leave those five star ratings and reviews, it makes it

362
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,680
Speaker 1: easier for other people to find the podcast. Really genuinely

363
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,439
Speaker 1: makes the difference go hard with the five stars to

364
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,160
Speaker 1: a brand new year. We'd love your help with that.

365
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:33,119
Speaker 1: A five star rating and review would help so much.

366
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,720
Speaker 1: If you'd like to know more about making your family happy,

367
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,040
Speaker 1: we've got all the resources that you need. Please visit

368
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:40,680
Speaker 1: us at happyfamilies dot com dot au