Speaker 1: Being at rock bottom is a solid foundation from which
Speaker 1: to change, from which to transform to build something new.
Speaker 1: And it's those rock bottoms which actually give us the
Speaker 1: motivation to do something about what's not working.
Speaker 2: Hello, and welcome back to the Rise and Conker podcast.
Speaker 2: It is your host, Georgie Stephenson. As some of you
Speaker 2: may know, I'm currently on maternity leave, so Tim and
Speaker 2: I are soaking up the newborn bubble and new parent
Speaker 2: life with our little baby girl. But I did not
Speaker 2: want to leave my ron C fan with nothing, so
Speaker 2: we are bringing back the best bits of the Rise
Speaker 2: and Conquer podcasts. We have nearly over two hundred episodes,
Speaker 2: so I thought it would be a cool idea to
Speaker 2: bring you snippets from the most listened to, the most
Speaker 2: talked about episodes and just give you the best bits
Speaker 2: in a mini episode. So be prepared to get straight
Speaker 2: into juicy topics, to feel inspired, to feel motivated, empowered
Speaker 2: and of course informed. These episodes are shorter, but they're
Speaker 2: just full of the best bits. If you did like
Speaker 2: this mini app, make sure you go to the show
Speaker 2: notes where we have linked the full episode. And I
Speaker 2: just want to say I really appreciate you guys. Still
Speaker 2: supporting the show while I'm taking some time off to
Speaker 2: enjoy Baby Girl, and I just can't wait to be
Speaker 2: back in your ears with fresh episodes in the new year.
Speaker 2: We have been planning the next season and there are
Speaker 2: so many exciting guests and surprises, So I really hope
Speaker 2: you enjoy this mini episode. Let's get straight into the show.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I'm a huge fan of rock bottoms.
Speaker 1: Anyone who's listening, if you're in a rock bottom like
Speaker 1: this is a really good thing. Being at rock bottom
Speaker 1: is a solid foundation from which to change, from which
Speaker 1: to transform, to build something new. And it's those rock
Speaker 1: bottoms which actually give us the motivation to do something
Speaker 1: about what's not working. When you're kind of just cruising
Speaker 1: through life and things are all right, that's a dangerous
Speaker 1: place to be in because you're not going to have
Speaker 1: the motivation to change and you're not going to have
Speaker 1: the motivation to go after the things that you want. Because, like,
Speaker 1: my soul was dehydrated, so you know, I had to
Speaker 1: do something at that point.
Speaker 3: And I'm so grateful for all of the.
Speaker 1: Challenges and things that I've been through in the trauma
Speaker 1: and stuff, because it's been the game changer for me.
Speaker 1: It's what helped me change and it's what helped me
Speaker 1: have the life that I have now.
Speaker 2: And I love that you've sort of taken a native
Speaker 2: taking those really low times and now realize that you
Speaker 2: sort of that needed to happen, Like everything happens for
Speaker 2: a reason, and that's what's got to the place where
Speaker 2: you're at now. And obviously you are like thriving, so
Speaker 2: that's amazing.
Speaker 3: Aw thank you.
Speaker 2: Can you talk to us like define what is confidence?
Speaker 3: Confidence is many things, but essentially it's an energy. So
Speaker 3: what most of us.
Speaker 1: Think confidence is is being extroverted or being bold, or
Speaker 1: taking loads of selfies or something like that. But what
Speaker 1: confidence is is it's an inner energy. It's really important
Speaker 1: to say that it's not being extroverted, because there are
Speaker 1: a lot of people who are very introverted who feel
Speaker 1: really bad about themselves because they're never going to be
Speaker 1: that extroverted, bold in your face person because that will
Speaker 1: physically drain them. Confidence is an inner knowing and inner energy,
Speaker 1: and it's essentially a relationship of trust with your so
Speaker 1: trusting that you will show up for yourself, trusting that
Speaker 1: you will be in integrity with the person that you
Speaker 1: want to become. What confidence is is being an integrity
Speaker 1: with our values. So if I say that I want
Speaker 1: to be a kind and authentic person, if I'm there
Speaker 1: being a people pleaser, I'm not creating that trusting relationship
Speaker 1: with myself. So if you imagine a relationship with a
Speaker 1: friend or a partner, if they said that they were
Speaker 1: going to do a bunch of things and then they
Speaker 1: did a bunch of other things, they wouldn't be very
Speaker 1: good trust there. They wouldn't be reliability. You wouldn't believe
Speaker 1: in that person to be who they said they were
Speaker 1: going to be.
Speaker 3: And it's the same with ourselves. So confidence is this energy.
Speaker 1: That we embody on the inside, and it's the energy
Speaker 1: of trust and a trusting relationship with who we are.
Speaker 2: That's so interesting, Like, I love how you explained that,
Speaker 2: but I've never heard it explain that way, But it
Speaker 2: makes so much sense. I love that, and we're going
Speaker 2: to get so much more into that. But you did
Speaker 2: touch on experiencing that comparison with each other, and I
Speaker 2: do find, especially in women, we do definitely tend to
Speaker 2: compare ourself to other people, and especially other women in
Speaker 2: so many circumstances why do you think it's like second
Speaker 2: nature to us as women to compare ourselves to others
Speaker 2: around us.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, this is such a big problem. So
Speaker 1: all I do a lot of talks. I'm a speaker
Speaker 1: as well, and the comparison thing is always the question
Speaker 1: that gets asked. It's the thing that comes up with
Speaker 1: my coaching clients. It's rife. So comparison. Let's just start
Speaker 1: from the beginning. So when we're born, sometimes that starts
Speaker 1: to come into the equation because we have lots of
Speaker 1: siblings and we're being compared to them academically, or if
Speaker 1: you're maybe a slightly more I don't want to say
Speaker 1: naughty but self express child, you can say, why can't
Speaker 1: you be.
Speaker 3: More like your sister? That's something that might be said.
Speaker 1: And these little, seemingly innocent things start to imprint on
Speaker 1: our growing brain. When we're young, we don't have that
Speaker 1: logical brain fully formed yet, we have our limbic brain,
Speaker 1: which is our emotional brain, and this is where the
Speaker 1: confidence stuff starts to come out of. So then we
Speaker 1: go into schools, and schools are basically a comparison machine, right,
Speaker 1: So we're put into different grades and subsets and marks
Speaker 1: are compared against each other, and we're put into an
Speaker 1: array of subjects that potentially we're not amazing at every
Speaker 1: single one of them. And then we're taught to focus
Speaker 1: on the subject or the grade that isn't as good
Speaker 1: as the others, rather than focus on our strengths. So
Speaker 1: we're kind of conditioned and brought up in a culture
Speaker 1: that teaches us to focus on what's wrong and to
Speaker 1: look around it how other people are doing it, and
Speaker 1: in doing that.
Speaker 3: We negate all of our strengths.
Speaker 1: We turn a blind eye to all of the things
Speaker 1: that we're good at. And you know, there's a great
Speaker 1: quote that says comparison is the art of appreciating someone
Speaker 1: else's gifts and not your own, And I think that
Speaker 1: that's just the perfect summary of it, because when our
Speaker 1: focus is turned outwards, it's not turned inwards. So when
Speaker 1: we compare ourselves, we don't give ourselves an opportunity to
Speaker 1: lean into our strengths or to even potentially make those
Speaker 1: strengths better or develop them, because we're so obsessed with
Speaker 1: creating I guess equality in these areas that we're not
Speaker 1: as good in with the people who are amazing in
Speaker 1: those areas. It's really unfair. It's an unfair gain to
Speaker 1: put ourselves into. Biologically, this exists because you know, in
Speaker 1: an ancient culture where we belong to communities, if you
Speaker 1: were allegated or outcasts from a community, you wouldn't survive
Speaker 1: the night. So in order to assimilate, in order to
Speaker 1: be like the tribe or like the community, we would
Speaker 1: focus on what the community's like, and we'd look to
Speaker 1: the adults as babies to figure out how we should
Speaker 1: behave and what the what the norm was. Essentially, so
Speaker 1: this is programmed really really deeply into us. But the
Speaker 1: thing is it doesn't work anymore. It doesn't work in
Speaker 1: a modern context.
Speaker 2: That is so interesting and I really resonated with when
Speaker 2: you were talking about how we focus on other people's strengths.
Speaker 2: You know, we try and equal up to them instead
Speaker 2: of focusing on what we're good at and trying to
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Speaker 2: today's episode. Do you have any tools that we can
Speaker 2: use if, like, you know, when we get in that
Speaker 2: mindset where we are constantly comparing ourselves.
Speaker 1: Definitely, so you've got to focus on your strengths. So
Speaker 1: something that is super simple that you can do. I
Speaker 1: have all my clients and the women in my academy
Speaker 1: do this is to write a full page, not in
Speaker 1: your phone, in a journal with a pen, old school
Speaker 1: way and write a full page, which I call owning
Speaker 1: your sparkle. So to own your sparkle is to write
Speaker 1: down everything that is unique, special and amazing about you.
Speaker 3: And the reason that I say do it by hand
Speaker 3: is because you're going to call on that mind map.
Speaker 1: You're going to call on that piece of paper when
Speaker 1: you're having a really bad day, when you're having doubt
Speaker 1: before you're going into the boardroom, or when you're having
Speaker 1: doubt when you're in your relationship or in your friendship,
Speaker 1: or with what you want to do in your life,
Speaker 1: and you're going to get that page out and see
Speaker 1: it in your own handwriting and see a full page
Speaker 1: of things that are great about you.
Speaker 3: This is super powerful because.
Speaker 1: What we do normally when we want to feel confident
Speaker 1: is we might listen to somebody on Instagram talking about
Speaker 1: it or a podcast and they say, you know, just
Speaker 1: just honor you and just think about the great things
Speaker 1: about you. But in the same way that if I
Speaker 1: want to go get fit, I can't just think about
Speaker 1: going to the gym. I have to have a practice.
Speaker 1: I have to take an action. So when we take
Speaker 1: in action to feel the way we want to feel,
Speaker 1: we actually help our brain to re ingrain that new belief.
Speaker 1: So we re ingrain that new process around what do
Speaker 1: I do physically when I feel self doubt? And that
Speaker 1: is to go and honor your strength. So having this
Speaker 1: map is a really easy one because you can put
Speaker 1: it on your bathroom mirror and look at it every day.
Speaker 1: You can have it under your pillow when you're you know,
Speaker 1: having a cry after work or whatever the situation is.
Speaker 1: So this is a real game changer. The other thing
Speaker 1: that I would recommend is when you're comparing yourself to somebody,
Speaker 1: ask yourself, is what I am comparing in that person
Speaker 1: something that I would really like to cultivate in me?
Speaker 1: And I'm not talking about booties and you know the
Speaker 1: way someone's makeup looks. I'm talking about things that are
Speaker 1: tied to your desires, or your values, or potentially a
Speaker 1: career that you want to go into, or your purpose.
Speaker 1: You know this kind of big stuff, right, And when
Speaker 1: you see someone doing that and you feel that comparison,
Speaker 1: ask yourself, do I want to do that? And am
Speaker 1: I inspired by that? And that can just really change
Speaker 1: the whole energy around the comparison, because instead of it
Speaker 1: becoming this unattainable thing, it becomes an aspiration. And what
Speaker 1: you may even like to do is reach out to
Speaker 1: that person and tell them that you really admire that
Speaker 1: in them. That will lift a lot of the shame
Speaker 1: that you're experiencing, and also you might create a closeness
Speaker 1: with that person. They may give you some tips that
Speaker 1: can help you in your aspiration to cultivate whatever that is.
Speaker 1: And this is a tool that I use all the
Speaker 1: time in business because I'm surrounded by amazing women who
Speaker 1: you know, are internationally acclaimed coaches and speakers and authors,
Speaker 1: And I always, always, always compliment them on the thing
Speaker 1: that I'm potentially comparing myself to in them, because I
Speaker 1: admire it, and I know that that comparison feeling is
Speaker 1: usually inspiration and admiration for them.
Speaker 2: So I want to search gears again, and I want
Speaker 2: to talk to you about how you deal with confidence
Speaker 2: after taking, you know, quite a big life event, whether
Speaker 2: it is a loss or a breakup or something big
Speaker 2: like that that really shapes you. So what do you
Speaker 2: usually tell your clients when they.
Speaker 3: Come to you with a problem like this?
Speaker 2: And how can someone build themselves back up after something
Speaker 2: like this.
Speaker 1: So these are the two things that tend to inspire
Speaker 1: people to come and see me. I deal with a
Speaker 1: lot of breakups and then also, really sadly, a lot
Speaker 1: of women who come to me after they've lost a
Speaker 1: loved one or a parent, and these things are really
Speaker 1: really confidence breaking. Often they bring to the surface a
Speaker 1: lot of underlying issues. So these things can be really traumatizing,
Speaker 1: and they bring up a lot of old wounds in
Speaker 1: the existing wound. So what I usually tell clients is
Speaker 1: to start focusing on their values. So what we normally
Speaker 1: do is we focus on what we need in our
Speaker 1: lives to validate us. And when we lose someone that
Speaker 1: is important to us, a lot of alarm bells go
Speaker 1: off because we feel abandoned, we feel lost, we feel stuck.
Speaker 1: And the values can be a really good way of
Speaker 1: helping you to get back into motion and to feel
Speaker 1: good about who you are. So self kindness is always
Speaker 1: going to have to come first. So when we're having
Speaker 1: a breakup, or we're having a really hard time, or
Speaker 1: we're grieving, self kindness is the foundation that we need
Speaker 1: to begin with, and that means having a self kindness practice.
Speaker 1: So writing a gratitude list, but writing a gratitude list
Speaker 1: about who you are, focusing on the things that you're
Speaker 1: doing well in the day. So even if you've had
Speaker 1: the most horrific day, writing down what your three wins
Speaker 1: were for the day, even if it was I didn't
Speaker 1: have a meltdown in the boardroom or I didn't yell
Speaker 1: at so and so when I wanted to, and you know,
Speaker 1: finding those little glimmers of positivity in a time that's
Speaker 1: really hard for you is going to be so important
Speaker 1: to getting your self esteem and your resilience back on track.
Speaker 1: When it comes to the values themselves, I encourage people
Speaker 1: to write a list of their values. This is really
Speaker 1: quite a weird one for a lot of people when
Speaker 1: I asked, because they say, I don't know what my
Speaker 1: values are, and we need to get really really clear
Speaker 1: on what what our values are. Who do we want
Speaker 1: to become because life is happening right now, and sometimes
Speaker 1: when we lose someone, that really brings that up, that
Speaker 1: realization that our life is happening right now and we're
Speaker 1: running out of time and we're not becoming the people
Speaker 1: that we want to become.
Speaker 3: So when we focus on.
Speaker 1: These values over being validated by our job or our boyfriend,
Speaker 1: or our clothes or how much money we have, and
Speaker 1: we focus on the fact that maybe we'll want to
Speaker 1: be a kind person and we want to be an
Speaker 1: authentic person, and we want to make a difference to
Speaker 1: people's lives, we can start to shift our life and
Speaker 1: shift our actions and our behaviors to match those values.
Speaker 1: And that's when the real magic, the real healing, and
Speaker 1: the self esteem after a loss can really start to
Speaker 1: show up.
Speaker 2: I was just thinking, like it's so amazing that you
Speaker 2: were helping women with these things, because sometimes they can
Speaker 2: be like simple things that we need to do and
Speaker 2: mindset changes, but we need the guidance and the tools
Speaker 2: to make those changes and you know, transform our lives.
Speaker 2: So it is really amazing that you're doing this sort
Speaker 2: of work.
Speaker 3: Oh, thank you.
Speaker 1: I mean, my whole story started with a breakup that
Speaker 1: was the real kind of breaking point that.
Speaker 3: Led to the downward spirals.
Speaker 1: So I come from a place of a lot of
Speaker 1: compassion for anyone who's going through this, and these are
Speaker 1: the tools that I use. But I just was making
Speaker 1: it up at the time and using journals and then
Speaker 1: seeing coaches, you know, and I try and tell people
Speaker 1: now what I wish I had have known back then,
Speaker 1: and it was just always always start with your values
Speaker 1: and start with a person that you want to become.
Speaker 1: Because we can ever control life. We can't control whether
Speaker 1: someone's going to break up with us, we can't control
Speaker 1: whether someone's going to die. We can't control if we're
Speaker 1: going to keep or lose our job, or keep or
Speaker 1: lose our house. But we can always, always, always control
Speaker 1: who we are being in every moment and how we're
Speaker 1: showing up.
Speaker 2: Thank you for listening for another rn C episode. I
Speaker 2: really appreciate taking the time to be here with me,
Speaker 2: and also for taking the time for yourself. If you
Speaker 2: found this episode helpful, it would be so amazing if
Speaker 2: you shared it on your stories and tagged us, or
Speaker 2: simply just send it on to a girlfriend or family
Speaker 2: member who would benefit from listening. We are an independent
Speaker 2: podcast run by me and my amazing podcast manager, so
Speaker 2: it would mean the world to us if you left
Speaker 2: a review on the Apple podcast app. Also, if you're
Speaker 2: vibing this podcast and the concepts we're chatting about, and
Speaker 2: your craving community, please come and join us over at
Speaker 2: the rn C podcast community Facebook group. Just search Rise
Speaker 2: and Conquer podcast community on Facebook and I will be
Speaker 2: in there to chat to you until next time. Don't