WEBVTT - The secret to being confident with Amy Rushworth 🤫

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<v Speaker 1>Being at rock bottom is a solid foundation from which

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<v Speaker 1>to change, from which to transform to build something new.

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<v Speaker 1>And it's those rock bottoms which actually give us the

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<v Speaker 1>motivation to do something about what's not working.

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<v Speaker 2>Hello, and welcome back to the Rise and Conker podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>It is your host, Georgie Stephenson. As some of you

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<v Speaker 2>may know, I'm currently on maternity leave, so Tim and

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<v Speaker 2>I are soaking up the newborn bubble and new parent

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<v Speaker 2>life with our little baby girl. But I did not

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<v Speaker 2>want to leave my ron C fan with nothing, so

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<v Speaker 2>we are bringing back the best bits of the Rise

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<v Speaker 2>and Conquer podcasts. We have nearly over two hundred episodes,

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<v Speaker 2>so I thought it would be a cool idea to

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<v Speaker 2>bring you snippets from the most listened to, the most

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<v Speaker 2>talked about episodes and just give you the best bits

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<v Speaker 2>in a mini episode. So be prepared to get straight

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<v Speaker 2>into juicy topics, to feel inspired, to feel motivated, empowered

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<v Speaker 2>and of course informed. These episodes are shorter, but they're

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<v Speaker 2>just full of the best bits. If you did like

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<v Speaker 2>this mini app, make sure you go to the show

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<v Speaker 2>notes where we have linked the full episode. And I

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<v Speaker 2>just want to say I really appreciate you guys. Still

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<v Speaker 2>supporting the show while I'm taking some time off to

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<v Speaker 2>enjoy Baby Girl, and I just can't wait to be

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<v Speaker 2>back in your ears with fresh episodes in the new year.

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<v Speaker 2>We have been planning the next season and there are

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<v Speaker 2>so many exciting guests and surprises, So I really hope

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<v Speaker 2>you enjoy this mini episode. Let's get straight into the show.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean, I'm a huge fan of rock bottoms.

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<v Speaker 1>Anyone who's listening, if you're in a rock bottom like

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<v Speaker 1>this is a really good thing. Being at rock bottom

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<v Speaker 1>is a solid foundation from which to change, from which

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<v Speaker 1>to transform, to build something new. And it's those rock

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<v Speaker 1>bottoms which actually give us the motivation to do something

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<v Speaker 1>about what's not working. When you're kind of just cruising

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<v Speaker 1>through life and things are all right, that's a dangerous

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<v Speaker 1>place to be in because you're not going to have

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<v Speaker 1>the motivation to change and you're not going to have

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<v Speaker 1>the motivation to go after the things that you want. Because, like,

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<v Speaker 1>my soul was dehydrated, so you know, I had to

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<v Speaker 1>do something at that point.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm so grateful for all of the.

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<v Speaker 1>Challenges and things that I've been through in the trauma

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<v Speaker 1>and stuff, because it's been the game changer for me.

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<v Speaker 1>It's what helped me change and it's what helped me

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<v Speaker 1>have the life that I have now.

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<v Speaker 2>And I love that you've sort of taken a native

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<v Speaker 2>taking those really low times and now realize that you

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<v Speaker 2>sort of that needed to happen, Like everything happens for

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<v Speaker 2>a reason, and that's what's got to the place where

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<v Speaker 2>you're at now. And obviously you are like thriving, so

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<v Speaker 2>that's amazing.

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<v Speaker 3>Aw thank you.

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<v Speaker 2>Can you talk to us like define what is confidence?

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<v Speaker 3>Confidence is many things, but essentially it's an energy. So

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<v Speaker 3>what most of us.

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<v Speaker 1>Think confidence is is being extroverted or being bold, or

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<v Speaker 1>taking loads of selfies or something like that. But what

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<v Speaker 1>confidence is is it's an inner energy. It's really important

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<v Speaker 1>to say that it's not being extroverted, because there are

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of people who are very introverted who feel

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<v Speaker 1>really bad about themselves because they're never going to be

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<v Speaker 1>that extroverted, bold in your face person because that will

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<v Speaker 1>physically drain them. Confidence is an inner knowing and inner energy,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's essentially a relationship of trust with your so

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<v Speaker 1>trusting that you will show up for yourself, trusting that

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<v Speaker 1>you will be in integrity with the person that you

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<v Speaker 1>want to become. What confidence is is being an integrity

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<v Speaker 1>with our values. So if I say that I want

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<v Speaker 1>to be a kind and authentic person, if I'm there

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<v Speaker 1>being a people pleaser, I'm not creating that trusting relationship

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<v Speaker 1>with myself. So if you imagine a relationship with a

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<v Speaker 1>friend or a partner, if they said that they were

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<v Speaker 1>going to do a bunch of things and then they

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<v Speaker 1>did a bunch of other things, they wouldn't be very

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<v Speaker 1>good trust there. They wouldn't be reliability. You wouldn't believe

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<v Speaker 1>in that person to be who they said they were

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<v Speaker 1>going to be.

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<v Speaker 3>And it's the same with ourselves. So confidence is this energy.

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<v Speaker 1>That we embody on the inside, and it's the energy

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<v Speaker 1>of trust and a trusting relationship with who we are.

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<v Speaker 2>That's so interesting, Like, I love how you explained that,

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<v Speaker 2>but I've never heard it explain that way, But it

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<v Speaker 2>makes so much sense. I love that, and we're going

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<v Speaker 2>to get so much more into that. But you did

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<v Speaker 2>touch on experiencing that comparison with each other, and I

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<v Speaker 2>do find, especially in women, we do definitely tend to

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<v Speaker 2>compare ourself to other people, and especially other women in

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<v Speaker 2>so many circumstances why do you think it's like second

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<v Speaker 2>nature to us as women to compare ourselves to others

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<v Speaker 2>around us.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, this is such a big problem. So

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<v Speaker 1>all I do a lot of talks. I'm a speaker

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<v Speaker 1>as well, and the comparison thing is always the question

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<v Speaker 1>that gets asked. It's the thing that comes up with

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<v Speaker 1>my coaching clients. It's rife. So comparison. Let's just start

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<v Speaker 1>from the beginning. So when we're born, sometimes that starts

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<v Speaker 1>to come into the equation because we have lots of

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<v Speaker 1>siblings and we're being compared to them academically, or if

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<v Speaker 1>you're maybe a slightly more I don't want to say

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<v Speaker 1>naughty but self express child, you can say, why can't

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<v Speaker 1>you be.

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<v Speaker 3>More like your sister? That's something that might be said.

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<v Speaker 1>And these little, seemingly innocent things start to imprint on

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<v Speaker 1>our growing brain. When we're young, we don't have that

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<v Speaker 1>logical brain fully formed yet, we have our limbic brain,

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<v Speaker 1>which is our emotional brain, and this is where the

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<v Speaker 1>confidence stuff starts to come out of. So then we

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<v Speaker 1>go into schools, and schools are basically a comparison machine, right,

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<v Speaker 1>So we're put into different grades and subsets and marks

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<v Speaker 1>are compared against each other, and we're put into an

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<v Speaker 1>array of subjects that potentially we're not amazing at every

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<v Speaker 1>single one of them. And then we're taught to focus

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<v Speaker 1>on the subject or the grade that isn't as good

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<v Speaker 1>as the others, rather than focus on our strengths. So

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<v Speaker 1>we're kind of conditioned and brought up in a culture

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<v Speaker 1>that teaches us to focus on what's wrong and to

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<v Speaker 1>look around it how other people are doing it, and

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<v Speaker 1>in doing that.

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<v Speaker 3>We negate all of our strengths.

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<v Speaker 1>We turn a blind eye to all of the things

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<v Speaker 1>that we're good at. And you know, there's a great

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<v Speaker 1>quote that says comparison is the art of appreciating someone

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<v Speaker 1>else's gifts and not your own, And I think that

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<v Speaker 1>that's just the perfect summary of it, because when our

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<v Speaker 1>focus is turned outwards, it's not turned inwards. So when

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<v Speaker 1>we compare ourselves, we don't give ourselves an opportunity to

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<v Speaker 1>lean into our strengths or to even potentially make those

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<v Speaker 1>strengths better or develop them, because we're so obsessed with

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<v Speaker 1>creating I guess equality in these areas that we're not

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<v Speaker 1>as good in with the people who are amazing in

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<v Speaker 1>those areas. It's really unfair. It's an unfair gain to

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<v Speaker 1>put ourselves into. Biologically, this exists because you know, in

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<v Speaker 1>an ancient culture where we belong to communities, if you

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<v Speaker 1>were allegated or outcasts from a community, you wouldn't survive

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<v Speaker 1>the night. So in order to assimilate, in order to

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<v Speaker 1>be like the tribe or like the community, we would

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<v Speaker 1>focus on what the community's like, and we'd look to

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<v Speaker 1>the adults as babies to figure out how we should

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<v Speaker 1>behave and what the what the norm was. Essentially, so

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<v Speaker 1>this is programmed really really deeply into us. But the

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<v Speaker 1>thing is it doesn't work anymore. It doesn't work in

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<v Speaker 1>a modern context.

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<v Speaker 2>That is so interesting and I really resonated with when

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<v Speaker 2>you were talking about how we focus on other people's strengths.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, we try and equal up to them instead

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<v Speaker 2>of focusing on what we're good at and trying to

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<v Speaker 2>lean in and better that. R and Sea fam, are

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<v Speaker 2>amount decreases every single year. So this is important to

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<v Speaker 2>know because our skin, which is our biggest organ is

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<v Speaker 2>made up of seventy five percent collagen, and guys, collagen

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<v Speaker 2>is just a protein, so it does make sense why

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<v Speaker 2>sneaky saving at checkout. Okay, now let's get back into

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<v Speaker 2>today's episode. Do you have any tools that we can

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<v Speaker 2>use if, like, you know, when we get in that

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<v Speaker 2>mindset where we are constantly comparing ourselves.

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<v Speaker 1>Definitely, so you've got to focus on your strengths. So

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<v Speaker 1>something that is super simple that you can do. I

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<v Speaker 1>have all my clients and the women in my academy

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<v Speaker 1>do this is to write a full page, not in

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<v Speaker 1>your phone, in a journal with a pen, old school

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<v Speaker 1>way and write a full page, which I call owning

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<v Speaker 1>your sparkle. So to own your sparkle is to write

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<v Speaker 1>down everything that is unique, special and amazing about you.

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<v Speaker 3>And the reason that I say do it by hand

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<v Speaker 3>is because you're going to call on that mind map.

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<v Speaker 1>You're going to call on that piece of paper when

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<v Speaker 1>you're having a really bad day, when you're having doubt

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<v Speaker 1>before you're going into the boardroom, or when you're having

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<v Speaker 1>doubt when you're in your relationship or in your friendship,

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<v Speaker 1>or with what you want to do in your life,

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<v Speaker 1>and you're going to get that page out and see

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<v Speaker 1>it in your own handwriting and see a full page

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<v Speaker 1>of things that are great about you.

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<v Speaker 3>This is super powerful because.

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<v Speaker 1>What we do normally when we want to feel confident

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<v Speaker 1>is we might listen to somebody on Instagram talking about

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<v Speaker 1>it or a podcast and they say, you know, just

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<v Speaker 1>just honor you and just think about the great things

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<v Speaker 1>about you. But in the same way that if I

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<v Speaker 1>want to go get fit, I can't just think about

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<v Speaker 1>going to the gym. I have to have a practice.

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<v Speaker 1>I have to take an action. So when we take

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<v Speaker 1>in action to feel the way we want to feel,

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<v Speaker 1>we actually help our brain to re ingrain that new belief.

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<v Speaker 1>So we re ingrain that new process around what do

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<v Speaker 1>I do physically when I feel self doubt? And that

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<v Speaker 1>is to go and honor your strength. So having this

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<v Speaker 1>map is a really easy one because you can put

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<v Speaker 1>it on your bathroom mirror and look at it every day.

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<v Speaker 1>You can have it under your pillow when you're you know,

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<v Speaker 1>having a cry after work or whatever the situation is.

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<v Speaker 1>So this is a real game changer. The other thing

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<v Speaker 1>that I would recommend is when you're comparing yourself to somebody,

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<v Speaker 1>ask yourself, is what I am comparing in that person

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<v Speaker 1>something that I would really like to cultivate in me?

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<v Speaker 1>And I'm not talking about booties and you know the

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<v Speaker 1>way someone's makeup looks. I'm talking about things that are

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<v Speaker 1>tied to your desires, or your values, or potentially a

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<v Speaker 1>career that you want to go into, or your purpose.

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<v Speaker 1>You know this kind of big stuff, right, And when

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<v Speaker 1>you see someone doing that and you feel that comparison,

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<v Speaker 1>ask yourself, do I want to do that? And am

0:13:24.280 --> 0:13:28.000
<v Speaker 1>I inspired by that? And that can just really change

0:13:28.080 --> 0:13:32.560
<v Speaker 1>the whole energy around the comparison, because instead of it

0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:37.200
<v Speaker 1>becoming this unattainable thing, it becomes an aspiration. And what

0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:39.440
<v Speaker 1>you may even like to do is reach out to

0:13:39.480 --> 0:13:41.640
<v Speaker 1>that person and tell them that you really admire that

0:13:41.720 --> 0:13:43.959
<v Speaker 1>in them. That will lift a lot of the shame

0:13:44.080 --> 0:13:47.280
<v Speaker 1>that you're experiencing, and also you might create a closeness

0:13:47.320 --> 0:13:49.600
<v Speaker 1>with that person. They may give you some tips that

0:13:49.640 --> 0:13:53.880
<v Speaker 1>can help you in your aspiration to cultivate whatever that is.

0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:56.480
<v Speaker 1>And this is a tool that I use all the

0:13:56.559 --> 0:14:00.600
<v Speaker 1>time in business because I'm surrounded by amazing women who

0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:04.920
<v Speaker 1>you know, are internationally acclaimed coaches and speakers and authors,

0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:09.240
<v Speaker 1>And I always, always, always compliment them on the thing

0:14:09.320 --> 0:14:13.840
<v Speaker 1>that I'm potentially comparing myself to in them, because I

0:14:13.920 --> 0:14:17.440
<v Speaker 1>admire it, and I know that that comparison feeling is

0:14:17.559 --> 0:14:20.200
<v Speaker 1>usually inspiration and admiration for them.

0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:24.160
<v Speaker 2>So I want to search gears again, and I want

0:14:24.160 --> 0:14:28.200
<v Speaker 2>to talk to you about how you deal with confidence

0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:32.200
<v Speaker 2>after taking, you know, quite a big life event, whether

0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:37.480
<v Speaker 2>it is a loss or a breakup or something big

0:14:37.560 --> 0:14:40.520
<v Speaker 2>like that that really shapes you. So what do you

0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:42.520
<v Speaker 2>usually tell your clients when they.

0:14:42.400 --> 0:14:43.800
<v Speaker 3>Come to you with a problem like this?

0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:48.160
<v Speaker 2>And how can someone build themselves back up after something

0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:48.560
<v Speaker 2>like this.

0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:53.360
<v Speaker 1>So these are the two things that tend to inspire

0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:56.040
<v Speaker 1>people to come and see me. I deal with a

0:14:56.040 --> 0:14:59.560
<v Speaker 1>lot of breakups and then also, really sadly, a lot

0:14:59.600 --> 0:15:01.680
<v Speaker 1>of women who come to me after they've lost a

0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:05.960
<v Speaker 1>loved one or a parent, and these things are really

0:15:06.200 --> 0:15:10.760
<v Speaker 1>really confidence breaking. Often they bring to the surface a

0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:14.320
<v Speaker 1>lot of underlying issues. So these things can be really traumatizing,

0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:17.400
<v Speaker 1>and they bring up a lot of old wounds in

0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:22.480
<v Speaker 1>the existing wound. So what I usually tell clients is

0:15:23.600 --> 0:15:28.600
<v Speaker 1>to start focusing on their values. So what we normally

0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:31.000
<v Speaker 1>do is we focus on what we need in our

0:15:31.040 --> 0:15:35.080
<v Speaker 1>lives to validate us. And when we lose someone that

0:15:35.240 --> 0:15:38.000
<v Speaker 1>is important to us, a lot of alarm bells go

0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:41.720
<v Speaker 1>off because we feel abandoned, we feel lost, we feel stuck.

0:15:42.360 --> 0:15:44.920
<v Speaker 1>And the values can be a really good way of

0:15:45.000 --> 0:15:47.120
<v Speaker 1>helping you to get back into motion and to feel

0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:52.240
<v Speaker 1>good about who you are. So self kindness is always

0:15:52.280 --> 0:15:56.080
<v Speaker 1>going to have to come first. So when we're having

0:15:56.880 --> 0:15:59.200
<v Speaker 1>a breakup, or we're having a really hard time, or

0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:02.600
<v Speaker 1>we're grieving, self kindness is the foundation that we need

0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:06.080
<v Speaker 1>to begin with, and that means having a self kindness practice.

0:16:06.480 --> 0:16:10.040
<v Speaker 1>So writing a gratitude list, but writing a gratitude list

0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:13.800
<v Speaker 1>about who you are, focusing on the things that you're

0:16:13.800 --> 0:16:16.400
<v Speaker 1>doing well in the day. So even if you've had

0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:20.760
<v Speaker 1>the most horrific day, writing down what your three wins

0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:23.520
<v Speaker 1>were for the day, even if it was I didn't

0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:27.960
<v Speaker 1>have a meltdown in the boardroom or I didn't yell

0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:30.800
<v Speaker 1>at so and so when I wanted to, and you know,

0:16:31.040 --> 0:16:35.400
<v Speaker 1>finding those little glimmers of positivity in a time that's

0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:37.840
<v Speaker 1>really hard for you is going to be so important

0:16:37.840 --> 0:16:40.760
<v Speaker 1>to getting your self esteem and your resilience back on track.

0:16:41.640 --> 0:16:46.640
<v Speaker 1>When it comes to the values themselves, I encourage people

0:16:46.680 --> 0:16:50.280
<v Speaker 1>to write a list of their values. This is really

0:16:50.800 --> 0:16:52.680
<v Speaker 1>quite a weird one for a lot of people when

0:16:52.720 --> 0:16:54.920
<v Speaker 1>I asked, because they say, I don't know what my

0:16:55.080 --> 0:16:59.720
<v Speaker 1>values are, and we need to get really really clear

0:16:59.720 --> 0:17:02.000
<v Speaker 1>on what what our values are. Who do we want

0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:06.520
<v Speaker 1>to become because life is happening right now, and sometimes

0:17:06.560 --> 0:17:09.680
<v Speaker 1>when we lose someone, that really brings that up, that

0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:13.320
<v Speaker 1>realization that our life is happening right now and we're

0:17:13.400 --> 0:17:16.160
<v Speaker 1>running out of time and we're not becoming the people

0:17:16.240 --> 0:17:17.119
<v Speaker 1>that we want to become.

0:17:17.280 --> 0:17:19.040
<v Speaker 3>So when we focus on.

0:17:19.000 --> 0:17:22.760
<v Speaker 1>These values over being validated by our job or our boyfriend,

0:17:23.040 --> 0:17:25.919
<v Speaker 1>or our clothes or how much money we have, and

0:17:25.960 --> 0:17:28.879
<v Speaker 1>we focus on the fact that maybe we'll want to

0:17:28.920 --> 0:17:32.399
<v Speaker 1>be a kind person and we want to be an

0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:35.800
<v Speaker 1>authentic person, and we want to make a difference to

0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:38.840
<v Speaker 1>people's lives, we can start to shift our life and

0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:42.080
<v Speaker 1>shift our actions and our behaviors to match those values.

0:17:42.119 --> 0:17:45.199
<v Speaker 1>And that's when the real magic, the real healing, and

0:17:45.280 --> 0:17:48.280
<v Speaker 1>the self esteem after a loss can really start to

0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:48.920
<v Speaker 1>show up.

0:17:49.320 --> 0:17:52.320
<v Speaker 2>I was just thinking, like it's so amazing that you

0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:57.760
<v Speaker 2>were helping women with these things, because sometimes they can

0:17:57.840 --> 0:18:00.159
<v Speaker 2>be like simple things that we need to do and

0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:05.440
<v Speaker 2>mindset changes, but we need the guidance and the tools

0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:10.200
<v Speaker 2>to make those changes and you know, transform our lives.

0:18:10.200 --> 0:18:12.280
<v Speaker 2>So it is really amazing that you're doing this sort

0:18:12.320 --> 0:18:12.760
<v Speaker 2>of work.

0:18:12.880 --> 0:18:13.680
<v Speaker 3>Oh, thank you.

0:18:13.840 --> 0:18:16.359
<v Speaker 1>I mean, my whole story started with a breakup that

0:18:16.560 --> 0:18:18.920
<v Speaker 1>was the real kind of breaking point that.

0:18:18.960 --> 0:18:21.520
<v Speaker 3>Led to the downward spirals.

0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:24.919
<v Speaker 1>So I come from a place of a lot of

0:18:24.960 --> 0:18:29.439
<v Speaker 1>compassion for anyone who's going through this, and these are

0:18:29.440 --> 0:18:31.840
<v Speaker 1>the tools that I use. But I just was making

0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:34.040
<v Speaker 1>it up at the time and using journals and then

0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:37.439
<v Speaker 1>seeing coaches, you know, and I try and tell people

0:18:37.440 --> 0:18:39.320
<v Speaker 1>now what I wish I had have known back then,

0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:42.200
<v Speaker 1>and it was just always always start with your values

0:18:42.280 --> 0:18:44.000
<v Speaker 1>and start with a person that you want to become.

0:18:44.080 --> 0:18:48.440
<v Speaker 1>Because we can ever control life. We can't control whether

0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:50.960
<v Speaker 1>someone's going to break up with us, we can't control

0:18:51.200 --> 0:18:53.840
<v Speaker 1>whether someone's going to die. We can't control if we're

0:18:53.840 --> 0:18:56.040
<v Speaker 1>going to keep or lose our job, or keep or

0:18:56.119 --> 0:18:59.600
<v Speaker 1>lose our house. But we can always, always, always control

0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:02.080
<v Speaker 1>who we are being in every moment and how we're

0:19:02.080 --> 0:19:02.640
<v Speaker 1>showing up.

0:19:03.840 --> 0:19:06.920
<v Speaker 2>Thank you for listening for another rn C episode. I

0:19:07.040 --> 0:19:10.199
<v Speaker 2>really appreciate taking the time to be here with me,

0:19:10.440 --> 0:19:13.560
<v Speaker 2>and also for taking the time for yourself. If you

0:19:13.600 --> 0:19:17.479
<v Speaker 2>found this episode helpful, it would be so amazing if

0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:20.240
<v Speaker 2>you shared it on your stories and tagged us, or

0:19:20.280 --> 0:19:22.840
<v Speaker 2>simply just send it on to a girlfriend or family

0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:27.000
<v Speaker 2>member who would benefit from listening. We are an independent

0:19:27.119 --> 0:19:30.560
<v Speaker 2>podcast run by me and my amazing podcast manager, so

0:19:30.760 --> 0:19:32.880
<v Speaker 2>it would mean the world to us if you left

0:19:32.880 --> 0:19:36.600
<v Speaker 2>a review on the Apple podcast app. Also, if you're

0:19:36.680 --> 0:19:40.119
<v Speaker 2>vibing this podcast and the concepts we're chatting about, and

0:19:40.240 --> 0:19:44.080
<v Speaker 2>your craving community, please come and join us over at

0:19:44.119 --> 0:19:48.359
<v Speaker 2>the rn C podcast community Facebook group. Just search Rise

0:19:48.400 --> 0:19:52.520
<v Speaker 2>and Conquer podcast community on Facebook and I will be

0:19:52.760 --> 0:20:04.240
<v Speaker 2>in there to chat to you until next time. Don't