1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, 2 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:06,800 Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie and this is the podcast for 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,879 Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wons answers. 4 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,320 Speaker 2: Now, my wife waxed my legs for me last night. Really, 5 00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:12,600 Speaker 2: I can't believe I just told you that. 6 00:00:13,039 --> 00:00:14,800 Speaker 3: I don't you bring it up? You go, why do 7 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:15,520 Speaker 3: you bring it up? Oh? 8 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:19,119 Speaker 2: By the way, I don't know why I brought that up. 9 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,800 Speaker 1: And that was all right, you survived it. 10 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, it's been a A can't believe I'm talking 11 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 2: about my Is it the pillotry? Is that the word? 12 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 2: The hair removal thing? I can't believe I'm talking about 13 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:32,640 Speaker 2: that with you right now on radio. 14 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:37,360 Speaker 3: You in for next week on this show, Not so 15 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 3: closet man whose wife shaves his legs? 16 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,959 Speaker 1: Have we got a great question for you to take 17 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,520 Speaker 1: a look at today. How can my husband stay close 18 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,360 Speaker 1: to our daughter as she goes through adolescents and is 19 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,839 Speaker 1: becoming a bit uncomfortable around men. I've been atteen that 20 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,880 Speaker 1: teenage daughter going through that phase of feeling a bit 21 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 1: uncomfortable around men and having to navigate a relationship with 22 00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,840 Speaker 1: my dad through that. So I'm very keen to hear 23 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,080 Speaker 1: what you have to say here, because I think it'll 24 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:03,640 Speaker 1: be a comfort to mums and dads. 25 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's really interesting. Tell me a bit more about 26 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 2: I'm stepping into my psychology. 27 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay. So I grew up in a relationship. We 28 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,120 Speaker 1: would kiss each other good night every night, Mum and 29 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,200 Speaker 1: dad and I. My sister and I. We were lip 30 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,440 Speaker 1: kisses through when we were little. But there came a 31 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:19,959 Speaker 1: point was like, it's not okay anymore. 32 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,280 Speaker 2: See there's a topic right there, the lip kiss. We 33 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:24,960 Speaker 2: will do that another time, but the lip kiss is 34 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:26,919 Speaker 2: a fiery topic for parents. 35 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,800 Speaker 1: I chose that, Like I remember specifically having time going 36 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 1: I don't feel comfortable with that anymore. And it was 37 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,920 Speaker 1: just okay, Like there was no questions about it, there 38 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 1: was no need for an explanation. It was just I 39 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:40,040 Speaker 1: led the change and that was fine. But I do 40 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: remember I've always been very protective of my personal space 41 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,440 Speaker 1: with men. There are men I feel very comfortable with 42 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,320 Speaker 1: and others that I don't. And it's sort of like 43 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: I kind of felt like my dad was almost like 44 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:53,400 Speaker 1: the gauge that helped me figure out who was safe 45 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 1: and who wasn't through that time. And so It's almost 46 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 1: like it's hard to explain it. It's almost like I 47 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 1: learned to be unc comfortable with my dad to figure 48 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 1: out how to handle it if I'm uncomfortable with other men, 49 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,440 Speaker 1: even though I was comfortable and felt very safe with 50 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:07,720 Speaker 1: my father. Does that make sense. 51 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 2: It's really interesting to hear talk about that. In asking 52 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:16,440 Speaker 2: teenage girls about their lives for my book About Teenage Girls, 53 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:21,560 Speaker 2: which comes out in January February twenty twenty, the idea 54 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:26,120 Speaker 2: that they would feel uncomfortable around males came up consistently. 55 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,200 Speaker 2: It was a It was not an overriding concern. It 56 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:32,359 Speaker 2: wasn't a big thing, but many girls talked about having 57 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,960 Speaker 2: concerns and questions about their safety. So to hear this question, 58 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,079 Speaker 2: to hear that daughter is pulling away from dad. Dad's 59 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,080 Speaker 2: trying to remain close, wanting to be involved, but there's 60 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:45,920 Speaker 2: a definite growing apart, and a daughter started to feel 61 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 2: a bit uncomfortable around men. It's not what I would 62 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,920 Speaker 2: call unusual at all. The real question at the heart 63 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:56,920 Speaker 2: of this person's email, My sense is that dad doesn't 64 00:02:56,919 --> 00:02:59,120 Speaker 2: want to lose his little girl. Yeah, he loves her, 65 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:03,840 Speaker 2: he wants to be close and naturally developmentally, it's appropriate 66 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,560 Speaker 2: that as a teenager, whether she's a you know, whether 67 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,800 Speaker 2: you've got a son or a daughter, our teenagers are 68 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 2: designed to begin to move away from us and towards 69 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 2: their peers and towards their own independent life. 70 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,919 Speaker 3: It strikes me that this is the phase with daughters, 71 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,239 Speaker 3: much like you've sat in the studio and talk to 72 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:25,280 Speaker 3: us about when we've got three young boys, that there's 73 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:29,200 Speaker 3: a certain age where our boys are mummies and then 74 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 3: they switch their need to get more from daddy. That 75 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 3: this is just a stage of development that is natural 76 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,680 Speaker 3: for a girl to have. The relationship is going to change. 77 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 3: That doesn't mean it's not closer, that she doesn't love 78 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,680 Speaker 3: her dad, but it's automatically going to change and let it. 79 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 2: Let it be in a sense, you know, dads have 80 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 2: got to stay involved to the extent that they can, 81 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,360 Speaker 2: to the extent that they're safe. I've always got to 82 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,640 Speaker 2: put these cavets in because some dads simply don't know 83 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 2: how to be safe for their children. But assuming as 84 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 2: is the case with almost everybody, the dad is safe, 85 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,600 Speaker 2: even and if dad doesn't live in the same house, 86 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,520 Speaker 2: or if there's a step dad, or you know, dad's 87 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,800 Speaker 2: living in a state or whatever. The research is absolutely 88 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 2: clear dads need to be close and intimately involved with 89 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,760 Speaker 2: their daughter's lives. When I say intimate, obviously, I'm speaking 90 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,560 Speaker 2: about an appropriate level of intimacy, meaning we're in a 91 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 2: close relationship with one another because we love each other. 92 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,960 Speaker 2: Your dad, your daughter. That's the way it works that 93 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 2: the research shows that dads have a profound protective influence 94 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:29,159 Speaker 2: over their children in terms of they're less likely to 95 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 2: engage in delinquent behavioral less likely to drink alcohol or 96 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:37,120 Speaker 2: smoke or take less at substances, or even being intimate 97 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,160 Speaker 2: physically in any kind of a physical way with others. 98 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,279 Speaker 2: What we see is dad's having this incredible protective factor. 99 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 2: Is it causal, Well, we don't know, but we know 100 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,520 Speaker 2: that when dads have a positive relationship with their teen 101 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,640 Speaker 2: girls and boys, that they grow up to be healthier 102 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,960 Speaker 2: and safer. They seem to make wiser decisions. So for 103 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,279 Speaker 2: this Mum, I would say, Mum and Dad, you want 104 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,919 Speaker 2: to stay as close to her as she'll allow you, 105 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:07,599 Speaker 2: without crowding her and without forcing her. Instead, it's about 106 00:05:08,279 --> 00:05:11,680 Speaker 2: navigating the changes and finding ways that you can continue 107 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,400 Speaker 2: to check in and be. 108 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,560 Speaker 1: Close something's just come to mind from my experience, if 109 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 1: I can come back and we'll just have a counseling session. 110 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 1: And you did ask me earlier about what this was 111 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,240 Speaker 1: like for me going through. Do you know one thing 112 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:27,440 Speaker 1: that stands out significant for me? My mom came to 113 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,520 Speaker 1: everything when I was growing up. She was at every 114 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,360 Speaker 1: netball game. Dad came to some, but she was at 115 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:33,479 Speaker 1: every netball game. She was at every school event that 116 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,720 Speaker 1: she could be at. She was working in the uniform shop. 117 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,080 Speaker 1: My mom was very present. She was a stay at 118 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:43,360 Speaker 1: home mum working in my dad's business. But there was 119 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:46,160 Speaker 1: a time that I had a significant event. It was 120 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,960 Speaker 1: ALIGNS Youth of the Year event, and my mom couldn't come, 121 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,200 Speaker 1: and my dad went with me. And to me, that 122 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,560 Speaker 1: was a really significant switch that was in my mid 123 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,480 Speaker 1: to late teens, a real switch in my relationship with 124 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,599 Speaker 1: my dad because suddenly I went and my Dad's going 125 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,400 Speaker 1: to show up for me, And it was a significant 126 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,680 Speaker 1: moment for our relationship and one that I always come 127 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: back to. So is that like she. 128 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 3: Was building up on emotion. So what she wants to 129 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 3: say is to Justice speak. 130 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,320 Speaker 2: Can you take of me? 131 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 1: I think what I'm coming to is is how significant 132 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,159 Speaker 1: is that dads don't always get to show up to 133 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,679 Speaker 1: all the stuff that mums do. But the showing up. 134 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,920 Speaker 2: What I love is just how impacted you've been by 135 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,160 Speaker 2: that experience. It's clearly had. Obviously on the show, it's 136 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,920 Speaker 2: really hard for everybody to see. But this is something 137 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 2: that really touches your heart. Yeah, this is something that I'm. 138 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:37,160 Speaker 3: Tearing the eye. 139 00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:39,039 Speaker 2: Yeah, you look back on that and think, this is 140 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,599 Speaker 2: really a critical foundation experience that I had with my 141 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,719 Speaker 2: dad that has established the positivity that we enjoy in 142 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 2: our relationship, the things that matter most. The more parents 143 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 2: can do that with their mums or dads, the better. 144 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:56,679 Speaker 2: What I'm most interested in is finding ways for parents 145 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,599 Speaker 2: to engage with their kids. And every daughter at every 146 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,280 Speaker 2: son respond to different things. For example, I've got one 147 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:07,279 Speaker 2: daughter married and moved out. At every Sunday morning, I 148 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 2: meet her at six am. It's a thirty minute drive, 149 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:10,880 Speaker 2: So I'm getting up at five point fifteen on a 150 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 2: Sunday so that I can drive to her place and 151 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 2: we walk the two dogs for about two hours. We 152 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,640 Speaker 2: walk about eight to ten maybe even twelve k's every 153 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,120 Speaker 2: Sunday morning. And you know, it's become a highlight of 154 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,600 Speaker 2: my life. I just love it. I wondered during the 155 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 2: teen years if I would ever have a relationship with 156 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 2: her A couple of times. This is the parenting expert 157 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:34,000 Speaker 2: whore saying this is just too hard. And yet now 158 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 2: that she's older, she's moved out, she's getting on with 159 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:41,680 Speaker 2: her life. That Sunday morning experience is just joy for 160 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,920 Speaker 2: any parent who's losing hope and wondering. Keep at it 161 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,520 Speaker 2: because one day they'll turn nineteen, twenty, twenty one, twenty 162 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:49,240 Speaker 2: four and you'll say, hey, do you want to go 163 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:52,720 Speaker 2: for a walk and grab a drink afterwards? And she'll 164 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,680 Speaker 2: say that'd be nice, and it will change your world. 165 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 2: I have a sixteen year old daughter who just wants 166 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 2: to sing and be theatrical, and so we find ways 167 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,320 Speaker 2: that we can sing and dance and be theatrical. I 168 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 2: have a netball queen who's fifteen, which means that I 169 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 2: take her to her netball games. That's my Saturday activity 170 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,520 Speaker 2: on the sideline week after week. And you know, I 171 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 2: love watching a play. I hate losing my Saturday afternoon, 172 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,320 Speaker 2: but I love watching it a play. It's worth it. 173 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 2: I'll by the way. Her other thing Bogle. 174 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,239 Speaker 1: Oh, great, board game's awesome. 175 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,640 Speaker 2: Bogle whenever she sees me looking like I might not 176 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:33,240 Speaker 2: be doing anything, which well, I'm always doing something, but 177 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,120 Speaker 2: she'll say boggle and then she'll run and get the 178 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 2: pen and the paper and the boggle stuff, and we'll 179 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 2: play boggle for ten or fifteen minutes before I go 180 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,959 Speaker 2: and do other things. Whatever it is that we're able 181 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 2: to do to connect with them in their world. It's 182 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:49,000 Speaker 2: their world. It's amazing, and also creating other things, like 183 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,440 Speaker 2: you know, let's go camping together once every so often, 184 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:53,080 Speaker 2: and I would say at least a couple of times 185 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 2: a year, even if it's only for one or two days. 186 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,680 Speaker 2: Let's go on outings to places that matter to our daughters, 187 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,440 Speaker 2: take them to their favorite ca by them their favorite treats. 188 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:06,720 Speaker 2: Money does by relationships to some extent when they're teenagers, 189 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,240 Speaker 2: because we can give them things. But here's my last 190 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,800 Speaker 2: response to this really important question about how her dads 191 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,840 Speaker 2: can stay close to their teenage daughters, because that's really 192 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,000 Speaker 2: what the question was. And this is probably going to 193 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,719 Speaker 2: come out of left field, but I think that it's 194 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:23,880 Speaker 2: maybe the most important thing that I can say, Dad, 195 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,760 Speaker 2: if you want to stay close to your teenage girl 196 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:33,520 Speaker 2: respect the women in her life without any hesitation. Make 197 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 2: sure that that girl sees you treating mum and auntie 198 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,760 Speaker 2: and grandma and neighbors and anybody who is a woman 199 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:46,400 Speaker 2: with the greatest of respect, with absolute kindness, with whatever 200 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 2: level of deference is necessary to show that she matters 201 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 2: in your life. When your daughter sees you behaving like 202 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 2: that towards other females, she'll feel safe around you because 203 00:09:58,080 --> 00:09:59,880 Speaker 2: she'll see what a real man is really like. 204 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,920 Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Coulson, nice little drop the mic moment to 205 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 3: finish us off today. Thank you so much for your 206 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:07,600 Speaker 3: time in answering this question. 207 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:08,559 Speaker 2: Awesome. Thanks guys. 208 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:12,359 Speaker 1: For more information on all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs, 209 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,960 Speaker 1: you can go online to Happy Families dot com dot au, 210 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 1: and to find out how to have Justin come and 211 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,319 Speaker 1: speak at your school, organization or event, go to Justinculson 212 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:28,640 Speaker 1: dot com.