WEBVTT - The Scientific Reason Why The Talking Stage Is So Draining 🗣️ 😫 0:00:01.480 --> 0:00:03.520 Flex and Frooms, Flex and Fromes. 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:08.440 This is the Flex and Frooms catch Up podcast. 0:00:08.720 --> 0:00:11.160 Oh my god, throwing my hand in front of my face. 0:00:11.160 --> 0:00:13.320 It's Flexi's birthday. Are you whispering? 0:00:13.960 --> 0:00:14.200 Yeah? 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:15.400 That was a bit soft, wasn't it. 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:15.800 What's going on? 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:17.160 I think I can need to go twillli. 0:00:17.760 --> 0:00:22.800 No, I'm saying no. Brookie's motioning no, pulling. 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:24.400 The energy down towards my pelvis. 0:00:24.520 --> 0:00:25.480 No, but you can overcome. 0:00:25.600 --> 0:00:28.840 And I'm hungry's standing out? 0:00:29.360 --> 0:00:32.519 What do you want to eat? Chocolate? I need to 0:00:32.680 --> 0:00:34.519 it out of the blue, you know what I mean? 0:00:34.760 --> 0:00:37.000 It's fifty minutes away from here, though, Can I do 0:00:37.080 --> 0:00:38.000 that for a burger? 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:41.839 Look? What I feel like eating right now is a 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:47.440 Cabri regular chocolate bar. The block of the circles the block. 0:00:48.600 --> 0:00:50.800 But yeah, that's what I feel like. I don't feel 0:00:50.840 --> 0:00:52.360 like a Bueno or anything, so I don't want anything 0:00:52.360 --> 0:00:55.160 too like rich. I just like the classic taste of 0:00:55.160 --> 0:00:55.600 the Cabri. 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:56.440 What's for dinner? 0:00:57.040 --> 0:01:00.520 Well, I've actually been having met Donald's once a week, which. 0:01:00.400 --> 0:01:02.840 Has been so I have been eating. 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:04.240 Yeah, I think I'll get that all my way home. 0:01:05.400 --> 0:01:09.600 Large double cheesebgg and meal with a diet lemonade and 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:13.679 a sweetened our sauce. It's so good, like I just 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:16.600 love it. That's like I'm living my life. I'm an adult. 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:17.960 I can get me Johns whenever I want, so I'm 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:18.520 gonna get it. 0:01:19.000 --> 0:01:21.480 I want McDonald's to change their menu. It's so played 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:24.400 out like we've had our entire lives. You can't switch 0:01:24.440 --> 0:01:27.360 it up. You can't switch it up. And is this 0:01:27.400 --> 0:01:29.960 really the best we can do? Because realistically, I don't 0:01:30.000 --> 0:01:32.759 want to start any into junk food beef. But when 0:01:33.080 --> 0:01:36.120 Hungry Jacks popped their bussy and made the Mega Mac, 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:39.000 I said, this is better than the Big Mac and 0:01:39.080 --> 0:01:41.400 macas should be scared. I haven't had it. It was 0:01:41.440 --> 0:01:43.160 a limited edition item. They called it. What do they 0:01:43.160 --> 0:01:44.520 call it? No, they called it a Big Jack and 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:48.160 a Mega Jack. So the Big Jack was literally the 0:01:48.160 --> 0:01:50.880 best fast food burg I've ever had because it tasted 0:01:50.960 --> 0:01:53.640 like you know, it flame grilled. It tasted real. I said, 0:01:53.680 --> 0:01:56.960 McDonald's need to be scared, and they were. They sewed them, Yeah, 0:01:57.000 --> 0:01:59.639 so they should. Anyway, here's a putty. This is flex 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:04.800 and free on Keida. Apparently, allegedly, possibly, there is a 0:02:04.880 --> 0:02:08.880 scientific reason why the talking stage is so draining for 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:12.600 women seeking heterosexual relationships. Listen to this. 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:15.440 I've seen a bunch of tiktoks lately about like the 0:02:15.520 --> 0:02:20.120 talking stage, about how to manage and interpret and analyze 0:02:20.160 --> 0:02:23.360 men's emotional cues when you're in the talking stage, and 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:25.760 it's all got me thinking about this concept of not 0:02:25.840 --> 0:02:29.079 emotional labor, but of hermaenutic labor, which I learned about 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:31.920 first on this like very good podcast episode, and then 0:02:31.919 --> 0:02:34.360 I followed up and read this like very accessible paper 0:02:34.360 --> 0:02:36.679 about the concept by one of the podcasts hosts to 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:39.760 the philosopher. So the paper argues that men and women 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:43.520 in like heterosexual relationships aren't necessarily doing different amounts of 0:02:43.560 --> 0:02:47.680 emotional labor, taking like for granted that emotional labor isn't 0:02:47.800 --> 0:02:50.440 only something that can happen in the context of like 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:53.320 waged work. But what women do have to do the 0:02:53.320 --> 0:02:57.239 bulk of is this thing called hermaudic labor. Hermautics is 0:02:57.280 --> 0:03:00.640 the process and the discipline of interpreting texts, and so 0:03:00.720 --> 0:03:03.560 in a romantic context, it's women who are doing the 0:03:03.560 --> 0:03:08.640 bulk of interpretive cognitive work on the relationship, like, whereas 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:12.240 emotional labor is sort of affective emotional work. Hermeneutic labor 0:03:12.320 --> 0:03:16.279 is intellectual cognitive work, and women doing this job. Unfortunately, 0:03:16.320 --> 0:03:18.359 it works out very badly for them and creates a 0:03:18.400 --> 0:03:20.320 lot of extra work for them, but it works out 0:03:20.440 --> 0:03:22.519 amazing for the men in their lives. I'm going to 0:03:22.560 --> 0:03:24.080 read this to you. I know the prince is tiny, 0:03:24.120 --> 0:03:26.480 and I'm sorry, but when women do this, men gain 0:03:26.600 --> 0:03:30.560 tidally packaged interpretations of their own feelings, desires, intentions, and 0:03:30.600 --> 0:03:34.440 motivations and those of women partners, as well as the 0:03:34.520 --> 0:03:39.520 delivery of these interpretations and carefully chosen conversations and the 0:03:39.600 --> 0:03:42.480 keeping of them to oneself when women partners think that 0:03:42.520 --> 0:03:45.040 sharing them might add to men's burdens. So women are 0:03:45.200 --> 0:03:48.360 just doing this interpretation and explaining it. They're also deciding 0:03:48.680 --> 0:03:50.600 when it's not worth talking about and when it's a 0:03:50.600 --> 0:03:53.880 good idea to talk about it. In short, women serve 0:03:54.040 --> 0:03:57.360 both as informal therapists for men and as informal couples 0:03:57.360 --> 0:04:00.600 therapists for the relationship. All of these videos that I'm 0:04:00.600 --> 0:04:03.200 seeing about how to make sense of what you're picking 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:06.440 up on in the talking stage are prime examples of 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:07.840 this type of hermeneutic labor. 0:04:08.480 --> 0:04:09.640 In them, you see these. 0:04:09.480 --> 0:04:14.120 Like interpretive frameworks taking shape with women interpreting and analyzing 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:16.840 what men are saying. Is if those men and the 0:04:16.880 --> 0:04:19.560 words and the text that they offer are like the 0:04:19.560 --> 0:04:23.080 Bible or like like Finnegan's Week or something. This is 0:04:23.279 --> 0:04:23.960 hard work. 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:25.839 This is intellectual work. 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:28.720 And when women do it, they are to use a 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:32.599 quote from the paper acting as relationship maintenance experts. 0:04:32.839 --> 0:04:38.040 Wow, that's interesting. One, that's intellectual. That's an intellectual moment. 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:43.840 Isn't that something? I feel as though what we are 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:49.120 misinterpreting as emotional labor is that like hermonetic curmen utic labor, 0:04:49.240 --> 0:04:56.400 This idea of interpreting and reinterpreting messages but also phrasing 0:04:56.480 --> 0:04:58.320 your messages in a way where the person does not 0:04:58.480 --> 0:05:01.240 have to do that labor. And so often these men 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:04.040 are the beneficiaries of the effort that you've already done. 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:06.159 You've already assessed. Is this a good thing to send? 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:08.039 Is it not a good thing to send? What's the 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:10.599 best way to get this message across? What's the best time? 0:05:10.800 --> 0:05:12.040 Is it gonna work out well for them? I know 0:05:12.040 --> 0:05:13.960 they were busy at work. Maybe now it's not good 0:05:14.160 --> 0:05:15.880 And later on they have their friends' birthdays, maybe I 0:05:15.920 --> 0:05:18.120 won't to send it later, and you've done all this stuff, 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:21.640 you've repackaged it in a perfect way, and often you're 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:25.760 getting the sum of like a flippant text like oh 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:27.920 just send it, it's come through, or I won't take 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:30.120 the time to express fully what I'm trying to say. 0:05:30.160 --> 0:05:32.400 I'm hoping you'll read between the lines, whatever, whatever, whatever. 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:34.600 And this is why it's really tricky to end up 0:05:34.600 --> 0:05:37.839 in like a text situationship where the bulk of the 0:05:37.880 --> 0:05:40.520 interaction you're having is through text, and then you start 0:05:40.560 --> 0:05:43.520 to measure the quality or the validity of your relationship 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:46.360 through the text messages sent and exchange, as opposed to 0:05:46.360 --> 0:05:47.800 being like the quickest way to know if it's going 0:05:47.839 --> 0:05:49.560 to work. So we get out of the text messages 0:05:50.000 --> 0:05:53.600 and we interact in person, and also so you get 0:05:53.600 --> 0:05:55.760 more contact with the way people are, not the way 0:05:55.800 --> 0:05:58.839 they tell you they're gonna be, because it's something about 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:03.160 being in the physical space. Obviously you can do your charming, 0:06:03.240 --> 0:06:07.320 charming whatever, but the mask has to fall. And also 0:06:07.640 --> 0:06:10.800 you have very few opportunities to be like, oh that's 0:06:10.800 --> 0:06:13.440 what I thought it was. No like you caught the 0:06:13.480 --> 0:06:16.440 body language or lack thereof, you caught the vible lack thereof. 0:06:16.440 --> 0:06:21.120 But in text you're like, if he says, how's your weekend, 0:06:21.320 --> 0:06:24.120 you're hearing how's your weekend? And he's like, yeah, how's 0:06:24.120 --> 0:06:26.360 your weekend? And you're like, oh, okay, what's going on? 0:06:28.920 --> 0:06:31.000 This is South Black episode that I watched recently about 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:36.720 Chad GBT, and it still make South Park babes every 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:43.400 we spoke about they create them weekly about the week 0:06:43.480 --> 0:06:47.560 the world. Yeah, that's since two thousand or ninety seven, 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:51.320 like no days, three years, and it's always he always hits. 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:52.200 So is it funny? 0:06:52.279 --> 0:06:53.120 It's fucking funny. 0:06:53.200 --> 0:06:55.000 Do you think it's my kind of funny? They're probably not, 0:06:55.080 --> 0:06:57.320 because I'm observed. Yeah, I just know it is. 0:06:57.480 --> 0:06:59.680 It is funny. It is funny, it's not it's not 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:02.880 true on this one. Well, it's crass obviously, but it's 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:06.840 clever social commentary. 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:08.840 I just get your cliff notes. Okay, So what do 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:09.880 they say in this one? 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:14.440 It's about chat GBT and Stan is texting Wendy, his girlfriend, 0:07:15.000 --> 0:07:17.160 and like his butters has put him onto it because 0:07:18.040 --> 0:07:20.640 like Wendy's always messaging him and he can't be fucked, 0:07:20.640 --> 0:07:22.560 so he like writes messages. 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:26.760 Not all the first names that flex is like who yeah, Processing, 0:07:26.880 --> 0:07:31.600 I'm like, okay, Butters. Butter's Wendy Wendy. 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:33.800 So he's getting chat GBT to like send all these 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:36.600 beautiful messages and she's like in heaven. She's like dancing 0:07:36.640 --> 0:07:38.680 with her friends, like he's measuring me, and then she 0:07:38.760 --> 0:07:42.160 ends up like getting in trouble because she's got chat GBT. Everyone, 0:07:42.240 --> 0:07:44.960 like Cartman, everyone in the school's using chat GBT to 0:07:45.040 --> 0:07:47.520 like write these amazing essays about wars and stuff. And 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:48.440 they're in fourth grade. 0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:52.880 They're in fourth grade. It's just they're children. 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:55.480 They're in fourth grade. It's the best show on it. 0:07:55.560 --> 0:07:57.280 It's it's the smartest show I've ever watched. 0:07:57.280 --> 0:08:00.200 Put it that way, WHOA. That reminds me and I 0:08:00.240 --> 0:08:02.400 don't know if we've talked about it before. I meant 0:08:02.400 --> 0:08:04.120 to tell you about it. But there's this dating app 0:08:04.480 --> 0:08:07.280 or not this dating app even it's an app that 0:08:07.360 --> 0:08:10.640 helps you build relationships. And essentially what you do is 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:12.920 you can either text someone through the app or copy 0:08:12.920 --> 0:08:16.600 and paste data from your messages or your message thread 0:08:16.640 --> 0:08:20.160 into this app, and it'll generate three different responses based 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:22.120 on your intention. So if you want a flirty one 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:24.440 or a happy one or a chill one. You put 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:27.360 in a bit of the message thread and it'll use 0:08:27.400 --> 0:08:31.640 AI to create a response for you. And obviously the 0:08:31.680 --> 0:08:35.520 conversation is that ethical because you're not having the relationship 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:38.480 with someone, the AI is building the relationship. Shout out 0:08:38.520 --> 0:08:43.440 to my robot boyfriend. But also I think that what 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:47.000 would make dating easier is if we were acting like people, 0:08:47.120 --> 0:08:48.640 not ideal partners. 0:08:49.040 --> 0:08:49.280 Yeah. 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:52.559 So when you're in that initial talking stage, you're putting 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:56.200 on a performance. And sometimes I think people don't necessarily know. 0:08:56.280 --> 0:08:58.520 They think they're being extremely genuine because they've learned how 0:08:58.559 --> 0:09:01.240 to do dating. So like I say this, and you 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:02.800 say this. If you don't ask me a question, I 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:04.839 think that's rude. And you don't say an emojis, that's 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:06.160 not nice. If you don't ask me out within the 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:08.240 next three days, it's not good or whatever it might be. 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:11.720 And then you start to think, hmm, how do I 0:09:11.800 --> 0:09:14.719 talk to people I know and like very well? Might 0:09:14.720 --> 0:09:17.240 not talk to them at all often, you know, Like 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:20.680 I would say through me, like how often do we speak? 0:09:21.040 --> 0:09:24.080 Some weeks a lot, some weeks not at all. But 0:09:24.160 --> 0:09:26.679 I don't measure the validity of our relationship based on that, 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:28.800 I say, well, when we hang out, we're like get here, 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:31.600 and we make sure we keep each other updated, and 0:09:31.600 --> 0:09:33.960 we're also participating in each other's lives. I'm like, I 0:09:34.000 --> 0:09:35.640 need your help with this. Do you have any advice? 0:09:35.880 --> 0:09:38.600 You do the same. We're building. But then when we 0:09:38.640 --> 0:09:42.440 move into these talking stage dynamics, I'm doing performance art 0:09:42.600 --> 0:09:46.520 of like personal girl who doesn't mind if you text, 0:09:46.600 --> 0:09:49.160 and who is also keeping my calendar open just in 0:09:49.200 --> 0:09:51.880 case you want to hang out, but we'll not express 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:57.160 It's just like it's too tiring. It's too tiring if you've. 0:09:57.000 --> 0:09:58.880 Just met someone and you're trying to clear space in 0:09:58.920 --> 0:09:59.199 the cow. 0:10:00.679 --> 0:10:03.200 And if you ever think about canceling on a friend 0:10:03.200 --> 0:10:05.480 because it's the only day they're free, don't do it. Never. 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:10.280 But also, you can't trust everything. I like, I remember 0:10:10.320 --> 0:10:12.160 one of the measures I would use to be like 0:10:12.240 --> 0:10:15.040 this thing is a thing, is he would cancel stuff 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:17.440 for me. I'd be like, oh my goodness, he would 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:20.240 cancel on whatever. And I'd be like, that's so crazy, 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:22.200 Like he didn't go to so and so for me 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:24.960 doesn't mean anything. Babe, just means that they're not great 0:10:25.000 --> 0:10:28.200 with resolve just means that one day you'll be the 0:10:28.200 --> 0:10:31.160 thing they cancel on for the next exciting thing that's 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:31.679 popping up. 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:34.280 Watch your back, Watch your back, babe. 0:10:35.600 --> 0:10:38.000 Let's remember this the next time we're trying to do 0:10:38.160 --> 0:10:42.560 some uh mental gymnastic mental gymnastics. Ruin his day, I 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:44.120 did it the other day. It felt really good. 0:10:44.600 --> 0:10:45.160 Ruin his day. 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:45.880 I recommend it. 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:51.480 Lost your fair froo meno, boommmy, let smile. 0:10:53.160 --> 0:10:56.280 You're listening to flex and Rooms on kata. 0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:58.560 Welcome back to flex and frooms. 0:10:58.600 --> 0:11:00.120 Now. I don't know where you are in the world. 0:11:00.160 --> 0:11:02.559 Perhaps you are somewhere in an uber, and if you are, 0:11:02.600 --> 0:11:04.000 I want you to turn this all the way up, 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:08.400 miss or missus person driving the uber, please, this is attention. Please, 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:10.640 like you're in a tunnel, turn this all the way up. Okay, 0:11:10.880 --> 0:11:12.319 make it awkward for the person in the back. Tell 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:14.520 them if they're ing AirPods, take him out, sis, because 0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:16.160 you're gonna want to hear this. I believe that there 0:11:16.160 --> 0:11:19.240 are two people in the world. Number one people who 0:11:19.760 --> 0:11:24.400 take an uber with their betrothed yep and kiss, and 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:27.280 those who take an uber with their betrothed and stay 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:32.320 firmly in their seats, no PDA, no PDA. Which camp 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:33.160 do you land in? Flex? 0:11:33.200 --> 0:11:35.800 I want to know you first. When I first. 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:37.960 Started kissing boys, this is around the time when taxis 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:41.160 were a thing. Uber had not yet Australia, okay, And 0:11:41.200 --> 0:11:44.320 I have a distinct memory of driving all the way 0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:46.280 home thirty kilometers from the Melbourne. 0:11:46.000 --> 0:11:49.520 CBD to a undisclosed, dashed suburb. 0:11:49.800 --> 0:11:51.400 I remember him kissing me and he was a talk 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:55.199 king and his dress shoe which was like one of 0:11:55.240 --> 0:11:59.319 them laced up shoes. You've got a nightclub's here, pet leather? Yeah, 0:11:59.360 --> 0:12:02.080 I think I saw snapper okay, soft namber. Moment was 0:12:02.120 --> 0:12:04.640 like hitting the vent and like possibly breaking it. The 0:12:04.640 --> 0:12:06.120 taxi diver was getting so pissed off. 0:12:06.200 --> 0:12:07.000 And then fast. 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:09.120 Forward to now, as a mature woman sex in the 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:11.319 city style, A man goes to kiss me in the 0:12:11.320 --> 0:12:14.960 back of a Nuba, Like, no, there's another full human 0:12:15.000 --> 0:12:16.920 being in the front. He's not getting paid a tip 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:20.280 for this. We're not gonna have show and Telsea. Literally 0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:23.640 I'm like, he's in the front effing seat and we're 0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:27.280 in the back kissing all over each other, obviously going somewhere. Yuck, 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:29.719 put it away and stop and wait until we're out 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:31.319 of the car. Oh, sickening? 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:34.360 Should we finding a downway way teller for her weekend? 0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:36.760 So I was in the backs even but with the 0:12:36.800 --> 0:12:43.560 man I was, and he wanted to kiss me said no, 0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:48.760 you can't kiss me. Okay, we get it. You eligible sis. 0:12:49.400 --> 0:12:52.840 People want to taste I will say, I agree. Kissing 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:57.560 in the back seat was very taxi behavior. It happened 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:02.040 far too many times because there was the illusion of anonymity, 0:13:02.160 --> 0:13:03.800 like you don't know my name, you don't know where 0:13:03.800 --> 0:13:06.400 I'm going, you don't have my information. I'm just in. 0:13:06.960 --> 0:13:10.360 You're an NPC, I'm an NPC. We're converging briefly to 0:13:10.440 --> 0:13:12.520 never meet each other again. I don't know about you. 0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:15.000 But the few times I catch you, but now I 0:13:15.040 --> 0:13:17.400 get the same drivers often ites like oh, I dropped 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:18.840 out to the airport last time. Where are you going? 0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:22.040 I'm like, again, how is this possible? So not only 0:13:22.080 --> 0:13:24.000 that you run the risk of them seeing you, but 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:26.520 they have your information, they know where you're going, and 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:29.560 we're encouraged to bridge the gap where no longer just 0:13:29.600 --> 0:13:33.840 strangers in the car. You are the task master taking 0:13:33.840 --> 0:13:36.360 me to my next quest. I shall acknowledge you as 0:13:36.360 --> 0:13:38.839 a person. Yeh, have some decorum please. I think it's 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:41.560 also an age thing, you age out of those antics, 0:13:41.559 --> 0:13:44.720 because I do recall the kissing in the taxi was 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:47.079 because you weren't going to a destination where the kissing 0:13:47.120 --> 0:13:48.600 was going to continue. You were going home and they 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:50.280 were going home, so you have to get it in 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:53.480 the taxi. Now you have a place to lay pipe. 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:57.200 You sick in me every time kits flex and frooms, 0:13:57.240 --> 0:13:58.400 Flex and frooms. 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:01.199 When do you stop gift giving as a family. That's 0:14:01.200 --> 0:14:03.760 the question we're answering today on flex and frooms. I 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:05.360 don't know how we came to this, but I think 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:08.320 I mentioned that my family and I don't really give gifts, 0:14:08.360 --> 0:14:11.000 and that I distinctly remember it stopping when I turned 0:14:11.040 --> 0:14:13.640 eighteen nineteen and when I moved out of home. I'm 0:14:13.640 --> 0:14:17.000 the youngest sibling, so I assume that all those kind 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:21.480 of really traditional traditions were kept because of me, not 0:14:21.520 --> 0:14:24.400 because anybody wanted to participate. And when I opted out, 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:26.720 everybody stopped opting out. Now, if we're pretty sure we 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:28.840 were talking about this because you had just had your birthday, 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:32.200 not well, today's my birthday, so but when it was 0:14:32.240 --> 0:14:36.320 your birthday. You forgetting Happy birthday, lil relax when don't 0:14:36.320 --> 0:14:39.080 dox me. It's not the government name. Please you discuss 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:41.840 receiving gifts from your parents. Is that still happening at 0:14:41.880 --> 0:14:43.720 your ripe old haggard age. 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:47.320 Yes, she's barren and yet the gifts continue. How is 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:49.600 that possible? I don't know, Like how is it in 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:50.200 the budget? 0:14:50.520 --> 0:14:52.840 Yeah? I don't know. I feel a bit bad. Not 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:56.680 that bad. You just developed empathy. 0:14:57.920 --> 0:15:00.480 The mortgage can wait for them, your retirement put it 0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:03.120 on hold. I need this silver choker which I'm getting 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:05.440 for my birthday, little silver heart on a black string. 0:15:05.520 --> 0:15:08.680 We're from a random jury shop in Chapel Street. 0:15:08.520 --> 0:15:14.800 Not the jury shop. It's meitty you literally why because 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:17.040 is it just a tradition that's never stopped or it? 0:15:17.240 --> 0:15:18.720 Would you feel bad if they were like we don't 0:15:18.760 --> 0:15:20.720 have it this year? Like I would be really upset. 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:23.240 And also I live into state, so my parents are like, 0:15:23.320 --> 0:15:24.920 we pay for a lot of stuff for your sister. 0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:28.080 So when they pay for your sister, I don't give me. 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:33.640 Give me an example like paint for insurance? Nah, a registration. 0:15:33.280 --> 0:15:35.760 Maybe meals like she'll go over to their house visits 0:15:35.920 --> 0:15:37.240 and then I'm not part of the dinner, so I 0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:38.760 got to make my own vodka pasta. 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:40.480 Can we get a third party to wag in Brookie? 0:15:40.600 --> 0:15:41.920 Does your family do gifts? 0:15:42.040 --> 0:15:42.240 Yeah? 0:15:42.280 --> 0:15:45.360 I get three hundred for Birthday and Christmas and. 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:47.320 Cash or the value of a gift. 0:15:47.480 --> 0:15:48.960 The value so I could choose what I want to 0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:51.000 do with. Okay, So a lot of the time I'll say, hey, 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:53.080 can I get this, this and this? But yeah, I 0:15:53.080 --> 0:15:56.000 also don't pay for my car stuff either. Oh, it's giving, 0:15:56.160 --> 0:16:00.080 You're on the family plan. Still, it's giving dependent gal literally. 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:01.160 Fun, don't give that up. 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:02.280 I don't. 0:16:02.280 --> 0:16:03.480 Don't you for being honest about it? 0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:04.640 You know I are. 0:16:04.640 --> 0:16:08.480 We still struggling with that for me, still trying to play. 0:16:08.680 --> 0:16:10.800 I'm just like the rest of you, right, I'd be 0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:12.520 very upset if Mamy and Daddy didn't get me a 0:16:12.560 --> 0:16:18.120 kiss the CI in that cafe lost song. Okay DJ 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:20.640 every Friday in primary school, I understand. 0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:25.760 Don't you're listening to Flex and Frooms, I'm Kaita. 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:29.480 Today we're discussing friendship and jealousy. What do you do 0:16:29.560 --> 0:16:32.000 if a friend reveals to you that they're jealous of you? 0:16:32.080 --> 0:16:33.600 Don't answer that listen to this first. 0:16:33.600 --> 0:16:35.760 If you had a friend who confessed to you that 0:16:35.800 --> 0:16:37.720 she didn't have the capacity to be happy for you, 0:16:37.760 --> 0:16:39.560 and that even though she loved you, being around you 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:41.480 was painful and she was jealous of what you had, 0:16:41.520 --> 0:16:43.520 would you keep her around because you were impressed by 0:16:43.520 --> 0:16:45.840 her honesty? Would you recognize that a snake that you 0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:47.400 aid will always still bite you in the hand. 0:16:47.440 --> 0:16:47.800 Let her go. 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:50.360 There's a way to reward honestly, yes, But there's a 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:53.920 way to accept someone being honest and realizing how there's 0:16:53.920 --> 0:16:56.040 absolutely nothing you can do to change that person, no 0:16:56.040 --> 0:16:58.240 matter how much you love them. Now that I know this, 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:01.880 would this fulfill me to maintain this relationship moving forward? 0:17:01.920 --> 0:17:04.440 And everyone that you show up for as a friend 0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:05.240 is not your friend. 0:17:05.359 --> 0:17:10.040 Ooh, this is just drag me. When we talk. 0:17:09.920 --> 0:17:12.600 About envy and we talk about jealousy, nine times out 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:15.080 of ten, the older we get, the less material it is. 0:17:15.200 --> 0:17:16.159 I know we think it's. 0:17:16.040 --> 0:17:20.680 Material, it is soldier we get the more the envy 0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:22.960 and the jealousy is around the way people love you, 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:25.760 the way spirits celebrate you, the way people choose to 0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:27.639 show up for you, worthy of it or not. If 0:17:27.680 --> 0:17:31.520 people are enveloping you in love and support constantly. That 0:17:31.600 --> 0:17:33.679 is enough for somebody on the outside to be jealous 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:34.080 of that. 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:36.720 That was an exact in the podcast See the Thing Is, 0:17:36.760 --> 0:17:39.760 And that was a word because initially I was of 0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:42.000 the belief that like, oh, you know, there is something 0:17:42.000 --> 0:17:44.679 to reward when someone's honest with you about a really 0:17:44.840 --> 0:17:48.040 embarrassing or revealing secret. It's like, damn, that's a big 0:17:48.080 --> 0:17:49.720 of you to say thank you for sharing. You have 0:17:49.760 --> 0:17:52.840 to exit my life immediately because that energy, you know, 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:56.239 like it's one thing to have, like your anxiety come up, 0:17:56.320 --> 0:17:58.919 or your anxiety and you're like, oh, nobody likes me 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:02.200 or what or I felt a weird vibe? Or is 0:18:02.200 --> 0:18:05.800 that person envious for them to reveal you can't be 0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:08.680 trusted you really think, well, not that you can't be trusted, 0:18:08.720 --> 0:18:11.760 but also it's just it makes me question the validity 0:18:11.800 --> 0:18:14.760 of our dynamic now because if you can't see passed, 0:18:14.840 --> 0:18:17.880 because I often think envy and jealousy is usually based 0:18:17.920 --> 0:18:20.000 on the illusion of how something looks like. I'm jealous 0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:22.760 of what your job looks like. I'm jealous of how 0:18:22.960 --> 0:18:25.320 I feel like I see people respond to you. You know, 0:18:25.400 --> 0:18:28.639 it's it's like the superficiality of it all. And sometimes 0:18:28.680 --> 0:18:30.840 if you can't separate yourself from the reality of what 0:18:30.880 --> 0:18:33.120 it is to be like it's just them, Like, it's 0:18:33.119 --> 0:18:35.119 not even about you. I don't know how you're gonna 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:38.560 work on bypassing how you feel to be a good friend. 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:40.000 And I don't need friend who aren't good friends. What's 0:18:40.040 --> 0:18:42.880