1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,960 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 2: Now, there's this really fine line going on between encouraging 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:17,720 Speaker 2: our children to face their fears and do hard. 5 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 3: Things, yes, but doing it in a safe way and learning. 6 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:21,480 Speaker 2: To trust their guards. 7 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:25,040 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum 8 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:25,560 Speaker 1: and dad. 9 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,960 Speaker 3: Parental Guidance is the gift that keeps on giving. Channel 10 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,479 Speaker 3: nine seven to thirty last night asked so much to 11 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,240 Speaker 3: talk about. This is doctor Justin Colson. I'm the founder 12 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,240 Speaker 3: of Happy Families dot com, dot you and the parenting 13 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,639 Speaker 3: expert and co host on the show Parental Guidance. Here 14 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 3: with Kyllie, my wife and mum to our six kids. 15 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:46,159 Speaker 3: Kylie kids earning dollars. That was a fun challenge. I 16 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,879 Speaker 3: loved watching the way those parents did that. 17 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:51,360 Speaker 2: You guys, by yourselves, have got to make twenty dollars 18 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 2: in two hours. 19 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 3: I'm confident they'll know this challenge. 20 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,320 Speaker 2: And my dad's a salesman. 21 00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:01,480 Speaker 3: We'll make new want wundes. Let's go start on this. Brothers, 22 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 3: how much do you think of watermelon juice should be? 23 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,120 Speaker 3: I go three pus three dollars? Are you confident enough 24 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:07,720 Speaker 3: to convince them that you can get three dollars. 25 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,399 Speaker 4: Yeah, and if we don't, I'll just have to go 26 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,039 Speaker 4: down to two dons. Oh, I love it. 27 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:11,480 Speaker 1: I love it. 28 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:15,120 Speaker 2: Okay, it was fun. And actually last night I was 29 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 2: scrolling through Facebook and I found this really cute little post. Yeah, 30 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,280 Speaker 2: we have just had our patio done and my six 31 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 2: year old has loved going out and helping the builders, 32 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 2: so it made his day to receive this. And then 33 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:31,200 Speaker 2: she's put a picture up pay packet for Harry for 34 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:37,000 Speaker 2: passing bricks, passing little pavers, pointing brickwork, mixing cement, loading stone, 35 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,480 Speaker 2: taking pictures of blackbirds and spiders, saying why more times 36 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:43,120 Speaker 2: than I've ever heard anyone say why, and just for 37 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,319 Speaker 2: being a smashing little guy. Ten pounds. 38 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,640 Speaker 3: Oh that's brilliant. Its obviously from the UK. Ten pounds. 39 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,880 Speaker 3: How cute is that? I like the way that some 40 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:54,600 Speaker 3: people are just so intentional, so concerned with helping kids 41 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,640 Speaker 3: to feel great about life. How nice. 42 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 2: And I think we saw that last night. It was 43 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,520 Speaker 2: just amazing watching these kids go through their neighborhoods and 44 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,640 Speaker 2: reach out to their elderly neighbors. I loved seeing that. 45 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, so dev and her homeschool family six kids. They 46 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:08,840 Speaker 3: went knocked on the door and did some choice for 47 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:09,919 Speaker 3: the neighbors twenty bucks. 48 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,639 Speaker 2: We have a little challenge to earn some pocket money, 49 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,919 Speaker 2: and we were wondering if there's anything we could help 50 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:15,240 Speaker 2: you with. 51 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 4: See what we can do. 52 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,160 Speaker 3: Barb and Terrees open their home to all seven of 53 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 3: us trapesing in and very quickly. 54 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 1: They had a list. 55 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,640 Speaker 2: And then you had Penny and Daniel's kids who went 56 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:31,560 Speaker 2: to numerous neighbors and sold their watermelon juice. 57 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,280 Speaker 3: So creative they came up with their pricing. Yeah, they 58 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 3: priced well and even they outdid the challenge. They got 59 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,640 Speaker 3: twenty five instead of twenty so impressive. I really like that, 60 00:02:41,919 --> 00:02:44,520 Speaker 3: you know what, I found a little bit confronting and challenging. 61 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 3: So I loved how Robin, Sue and seven Rache. Initially 62 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:48,919 Speaker 3: I didn't like, oh, let's just get the kids to 63 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,720 Speaker 3: do this stuff around the house, but they actually made 64 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 3: the kids go above and beyond, and the kids really 65 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,600 Speaker 3: embraced it, like they really enjoyed the challenge, and they 66 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,120 Speaker 3: were pretty happy about the twenty bucks well. 67 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,200 Speaker 2: And I think the comment that came out from that 68 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,079 Speaker 2: in real life to paying your kids to do jobs 69 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,640 Speaker 2: around the house that just need to be done. Was 70 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,600 Speaker 2: a fair comment, But the reality is they were stretching them, 71 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:09,639 Speaker 2: that they're not the jobs that normally. You know, he's 72 00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:12,120 Speaker 2: not going to hand over the whipper snipper every I don't. 73 00:03:11,919 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 3: Think he's everly going to hand over the whips sipper again. 74 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,800 Speaker 2: But it was great to see them being stretched. 75 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,239 Speaker 3: We do that in our house. We've got the jobs 76 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,680 Speaker 3: that the kids are supposed to do because they're part 77 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:21,880 Speaker 3: of the family. But every now and again, if they 78 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 3: wanted to do some bonus stuff, some things that aren't 79 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,800 Speaker 3: what you would do if you were part of the household, 80 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,640 Speaker 3: we give the kids a couple of bucks every now 81 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,200 Speaker 3: and again to go and do some extra things. And 82 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,120 Speaker 3: I don't have a big problem with that. Kevin and Debbie, though, 83 00:03:33,639 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 3: their response to their kids not being able to earn 84 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 3: any money busking, that was really challenging to watch, very provocative. 85 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 5: The kids didn't play very well on the street. Both 86 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,160 Speaker 5: of them are really distracted. 87 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 3: They're not playing very well. The pain was sticking. I 88 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 3: started getting worried. 89 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 5: So I came up with that idea of calling Grandma 90 00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 5: you famous. Thanks Mom, Okay, you're happy to pankup now 91 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:10,280 Speaker 5: thanks to Grandma Animi. You were all distracted, you didn't 92 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 5: play very well, and it was hard to untundred dollars. 93 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:16,839 Speaker 5: No not less, I need to find a better job 94 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:17,719 Speaker 5: when I grow up. 95 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,920 Speaker 2: Really felt for the kids. I mean, they're out there, 96 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:26,840 Speaker 2: like like Lara said, the attachment parents, this is a 97 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,600 Speaker 2: really vulnerable thing for our kids to do. They've got this, 98 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,960 Speaker 2: they've got this new found talent. It's growing, it's developing, 99 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 2: and they still haven't yet mastered it, and they're literally 100 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:39,760 Speaker 2: sharing it with whoever is there. 101 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 3: They really push those kids hard, though their expectations are 102 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,640 Speaker 3: extremely high, which is what tiger parenting is all about. 103 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,080 Speaker 3: I thought it was quite telling though, when Debbie said, 104 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 3: we're actually pretty average compared to what some of the 105 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,479 Speaker 3: Tiger parents we know are like. And this is something 106 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,720 Speaker 3: that I really worry about for these kids that are 107 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 3: in these pressure cooker environments. It's just not healthy. Anyway, 108 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,640 Speaker 3: we could talk about all that sort of stuff, but 109 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,480 Speaker 3: I think that the real conversation today has got to 110 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,000 Speaker 3: be about the question of how far you push your kids. 111 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 2: Oh, we saw some amazing footage last week with the 112 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 2: kids and their rock climbing wall. Challenge. 113 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,600 Speaker 3: So one of the most moving moments of the entire 114 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,920 Speaker 3: series has been Andrew Miriam's little boy Timothy, falling off 115 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 3: that wall and getting up and trying again, and then 116 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 3: falling off again and try Like, just the way this 117 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 3: kid pushed himself to face those fears and do something 118 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 3: courageous was extraordinary. 119 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:33,400 Speaker 2: It actually reminded me of a childhood memory I have. Yeah, 120 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,039 Speaker 2: I never owned my own rollerskates, but I went and 121 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 2: visited my cousins one day and she had some, and 122 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 2: I had to. I just had to know how to 123 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:44,799 Speaker 2: do it. She had a massive driveway, Naho, a massive 124 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,800 Speaker 2: driveway really from the top to the bottom. And I 125 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 2: tried literally all day to stand up the entire way down, 126 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 2: and without fail, I fell down literally every time. I 127 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:59,359 Speaker 2: don't know, I don't know how my bumps right, but 128 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,560 Speaker 2: I just kept trying. 129 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,840 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I thought it was going to end much 130 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 3: worse than that. He's the thing though. Last week we 131 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,880 Speaker 3: also watched Lara and Andrew with their kids on the 132 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:14,240 Speaker 3: rock climbing wall and they reduced the target and then 133 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,119 Speaker 3: they took their kids off the wall and they didn't 134 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,760 Speaker 3: push them at all. And I think that there's this 135 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,360 Speaker 3: really really big contrast that we've got to acknowledge. I mean, 136 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,919 Speaker 3: this is not about shaming any parents, but just the 137 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 3: different way that parents approach how they pushed their kids 138 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,720 Speaker 3: to achieve or to do hard things, or to face 139 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,680 Speaker 3: their fears or to act with courage. 140 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,840 Speaker 2: Well, and I think the reality is it's about where 141 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:40,920 Speaker 2: the goalposts are. Is it about actually accomplishing the task. 142 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,360 Speaker 3: So the task was for last week's rock climbers to 143 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:44,640 Speaker 3: get all the way to the top and hit the 144 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 3: golden egg that was pasted on the wall. 145 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,159 Speaker 2: Or is it facing your fears and trying. 146 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:52,480 Speaker 3: Yeah, And it's also worth highlighting. In Lara and Andrew's defense, 147 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,000 Speaker 3: while they did not push their child at all, a 148 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,200 Speaker 3: week later, they went back and he did better, and 149 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,640 Speaker 3: they went back again and he eventually, with practice, got 150 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 3: to the top. So it's not like they weren't saying, 151 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,440 Speaker 3: you don't ever have to do this. They were saying, 152 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,720 Speaker 3: let's just do it gently, bit by bit, as you 153 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,400 Speaker 3: feel comfortable taking those risks worth highlighting. And there's a 154 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,480 Speaker 3: really important lesson in that that we didn't get to 155 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,760 Speaker 3: see in the show, but they intimated in their subsequent 156 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 3: interviews last night, though we saw Kevin and Debbie with 157 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 3: a little boy. Tiger parents with a little boy. Leo 158 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,880 Speaker 3: absolutely terrified of jumping off that five meter platform at Jambarou. 159 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 5: I found that he was a little bit scared because 160 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 5: he's not a good swimmer. 161 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 3: I know you have very well about your all. 162 00:07:38,480 --> 00:08:04,200 Speaker 4: Right, Leo, are you already jump? Oh wow? 163 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 3: But here's the thing. I mean, that was really hard 164 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:10,640 Speaker 3: to watch, really hard to watch. 165 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 2: I knew i'd seen that rock wall somewhere. 166 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,720 Speaker 3: It was a gender Dad, you don't know that's where 167 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,320 Speaker 3: it was. I was trying to work it out on 168 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 3: the new South South Coast. Yeah, but have a listen 169 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,600 Speaker 3: to what happened when he accomplished it. 170 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,440 Speaker 4: Well done, Reil, nice and. 171 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 2: Then he did it. 172 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 3: H looks good. 173 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 6: I was happy, Well Donelle, well Doneville, you did it. 174 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:33,160 Speaker 4: Yeah. 175 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,440 Speaker 3: So this makes it even more confusing. Well it does, because. 176 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,240 Speaker 2: You can see just the elation on his face at 177 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 2: the other end when he did something he did not 178 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 2: think for a second he could actually do. 179 00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 1: Yeah. 180 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 3: And let's add this kid can't swim. He's really terrified. 181 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,160 Speaker 3: He's jumping off a five minute platform into water. He 182 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,560 Speaker 3: cannot swim. It's deep water, it's no wonder he was scared, 183 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:57,080 Speaker 3: And I look at this situation. I think when parents 184 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 3: are saying, oh, the kids have got a harden up 185 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:00,200 Speaker 3: or they've just got to do it, And I'm like, 186 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 3: I want to encourage parents to help their kids to 187 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,839 Speaker 3: push themselves to do hard things, but sometimes it's really tough. 188 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,240 Speaker 3: Right after the break, we're going to talk about some 189 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,840 Speaker 3: different approaches from some other parents and really dissect what 190 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 3: we're supposed to do as parents to work out when 191 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 3: to push and when to hold back. It's the Happy 192 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:19,960 Speaker 3: Families Podcast. 193 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 6: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having 194 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,200 Speaker 6: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts 195 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,840 Speaker 6: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits 196 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,480 Speaker 6: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy 197 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 6: families dot com, dot au slash shop. 198 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time 199 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,520 Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're 200 00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:43,760 Speaker 2: tackling the idea of how much is too much pressure 201 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,559 Speaker 2: when we want our kids to face their fears. Just 202 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:50,120 Speaker 2: before the break, you acknowledge Kevin and Debbie's son Leo 203 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,320 Speaker 2: and how scared he was to jump off the rock 204 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 2: and I was thinking about it a bit more just 205 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:59,600 Speaker 2: in the break there and wondering if Leo's parents weren't there, 206 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,720 Speaker 2: would you want Leo to jump off the wall and 207 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:03,600 Speaker 2: face his fears? 208 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 6: Wow? 209 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 4: No? 210 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 2: And so there's this really fine line going on between 211 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:15,840 Speaker 2: encouraging our children to face their fears and do hard things. 212 00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:18,120 Speaker 3: Yes, but doing it in a safe way well and 213 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,840 Speaker 3: learning to trust their guards. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. 214 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 2: How many times do we ask our kids to do 215 00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 2: things and everything in them is screaming no. 216 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,040 Speaker 3: So let's come back to that in a minute. We've 217 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,880 Speaker 3: just got to talk about a couple of other scenarios 218 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,920 Speaker 3: with these other kids, because sometimes you've got to push 219 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 3: through hard things like Rachel and Sam right there there 220 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 3: with the little I think Elsie's five, if I can recall, 221 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:39,360 Speaker 3: and Elsie doesn't want to jump off, and I love 222 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,560 Speaker 3: what Sam says to her when she's on this five 223 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:42,680 Speaker 3: minute diving platform. 224 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,200 Speaker 2: How much fun is it going to be when you 225 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:44,559 Speaker 2: do it? 226 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:45,120 Speaker 6: No? 227 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 4: Not fun at all. 228 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,959 Speaker 6: What does it take one second to be babe? 229 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,479 Speaker 4: Fine? Two? 230 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 2: Three? 231 00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:02,800 Speaker 3: Got good girl? And next thing you know, she's jumping 232 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,559 Speaker 3: into the water. Her mum's in the water waiting for him. 233 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:08,160 Speaker 3: So it's safe. And you compare that with so Deb's 234 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,800 Speaker 3: little girl and Robin Sue's son. There was there's some 235 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,640 Speaker 3: real fear there. And they worked with their kids and 236 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,000 Speaker 3: they got them to jump, and the kids were all thrilled. 237 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 3: And then you compare that with our free range parents 238 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:22,520 Speaker 3: Penny and Daniel. They missed the whole thing. Do they jump? 239 00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:26,679 Speaker 3: Oh no, I missed it. 240 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,960 Speaker 4: Awesome, I'll do it. 241 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:34,160 Speaker 3: Of course, Julian had to up the ante, just gonna 242 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 3: do it. Julian went up to the next level. Oh 243 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:42,000 Speaker 3: my god, he's gone, Oh I miss it. Oh my god, 244 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:42,800 Speaker 3: did he do it? 245 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:44,520 Speaker 4: I missed that? 246 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 3: So how far do we push? And here's the thing 247 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:51,040 Speaker 3: that I'm challenged by. Sometimes you do want to push, 248 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:54,680 Speaker 3: sometimes the kids need to push, and other times it's 249 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 3: a terrible idea. And the messages that we send can 250 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 3: be so mixed. So generally what we've seen the show, 251 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,319 Speaker 3: when kids accomplished something new, they're always really glad that 252 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:07,360 Speaker 3: they've tried. They get this huge, incredible confidence boost. It 253 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,120 Speaker 3: makes them feel more resilient, more capable. It's like they've 254 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,960 Speaker 3: like I look at Penny and Daniel the first time 255 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,160 Speaker 3: we were introduced to them, they've got Sebestian, their son 256 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,920 Speaker 3: twelve years old, up a telegraph pole, right. But what's 257 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,000 Speaker 3: happened is as he's grown, as he's gotten older, he's 258 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,120 Speaker 3: been allowed to face age appropriate risks in a way 259 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 3: that suits him, in an environment that's safe, and his 260 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,199 Speaker 3: parents have always been there for him, and he's happy 261 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,479 Speaker 3: to take on those risks. I think that that's amazing. 262 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,760 Speaker 2: And they've acknowledged it hasn't just happened overnight. 263 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,720 Speaker 3: No, it's taken a lifetime. But also, and this is 264 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,200 Speaker 3: the critical thing. I think this is what it all 265 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,680 Speaker 3: comes down to when it comes to how far you 266 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,320 Speaker 3: push your kids. Is it something that they actually want 267 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,560 Speaker 3: to do, do they value it? Does it matter to 268 00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 3: them like sometimes it matters to us, And we push 269 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:51,960 Speaker 3: our children very very hard and say, come on, just 270 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,560 Speaker 3: do it one more try. Everyone else is doing it. 271 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 3: You're going to miss out. And we do that because 272 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,800 Speaker 3: it matters so much to us. We think that it's 273 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,680 Speaker 3: in important for them to do it, But they don't 274 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,520 Speaker 3: think it themselves. I guess sometimes we might be right, 275 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,520 Speaker 3: but often we're not. And I want to take this 276 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,280 Speaker 3: in a really going back to what you were saying before, 277 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 3: you know that listening to the inner voice, And I said, 278 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 3: we've got to come back to that. This is the 279 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:17,720 Speaker 3: bit that I think we've really got to confront, and 280 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,559 Speaker 3: that is that if we push and push and push 281 00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:22,800 Speaker 3: and push and push and don't take no for an answer, 282 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 3: and there's something inside our kids that's saying no, no, no, no, 283 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:26,839 Speaker 3: no no, I don't want to do this. We're teaching 284 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,960 Speaker 3: them not to listen to that and that somebody else 285 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,040 Speaker 3: knows better what's important for them. 286 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,360 Speaker 2: And when it's not you doing the pushing, Yeah. 287 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:35,960 Speaker 3: What about when it's their friends? Or what about it 288 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:40,400 Speaker 3: when it's your daughter's boyfriend or your son's girlfriend, or 289 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,600 Speaker 3: the boys down at the beach and they've pulled the 290 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,880 Speaker 3: alcohol out or some other drugs. What happens then when 291 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,560 Speaker 3: they're all going, come on, just do it, Come on, 292 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:50,640 Speaker 3: if you really loved me, you would and the pressure 293 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 3: is on, do it, do it, do it, do it, 294 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,800 Speaker 3: do it, And they've got that thing in their heart 295 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,520 Speaker 3: that's saying this is a bad idea, but they've always 296 00:13:56,559 --> 00:13:59,520 Speaker 3: been told that they need to do it because parents 297 00:13:59,559 --> 00:14:01,360 Speaker 3: have pushed them all the time. Now I know that 298 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,280 Speaker 3: that might sound extreme and maybe it's not related at all. 299 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,040 Speaker 3: But I can't help but see the parallels. 300 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 2: Just there's power in listening to your in a voice, 301 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,360 Speaker 2: and I think that we need to do everything we 302 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,480 Speaker 2: can to encourage our children to hear it and follow. 303 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,800 Speaker 3: So how far do you push your kids? I actually 304 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,359 Speaker 3: I am going to say something that's a little provocative. 305 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,120 Speaker 3: I don't really think that we should push our kids 306 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:24,440 Speaker 3: at all. 307 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:26,680 Speaker 2: You said that in the show, and it was a 308 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,720 Speaker 2: really poignant moment for me, just that acknowledgment. It's not 309 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,480 Speaker 2: about pushing, it's about supporting and encouraging. 310 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 3: And that's the difference. And it's a subtle difference. But 311 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 3: the question really should be is this something that you 312 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,840 Speaker 3: want to do? And if so, what can I support 313 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,440 Speaker 3: you to get there? Because I know it's going to 314 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:45,240 Speaker 3: be hard. Now that's in the parent child context, But 315 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 3: if you go back to those other scenarios that I shared, 316 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,480 Speaker 3: where you know, maybe teenagers are dealing with some really 317 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:54,880 Speaker 3: confronting challenges. What happens if a boyfriend says to his girlfriend, 318 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,240 Speaker 3: is this something you want to do? And if yes, 319 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,000 Speaker 3: what can I do to support you to do it 320 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 3: way that feels good for you? As opposed to come on, 321 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 3: come on, everyone else? Is doing it if you really 322 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,840 Speaker 3: love me, you would, or the kids down at the 323 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,760 Speaker 3: beach or down at the park, drinking at the party, 324 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,480 Speaker 3: or whatever it is. If you've got a child who's 325 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,560 Speaker 3: saying I don't want to do this or I don't 326 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,400 Speaker 3: feel good about this, and my inner voice is saying no, 327 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,880 Speaker 3: and one of their friends says, is it something that 328 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 3: you want to do? And if they say no, everyone 329 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,360 Speaker 3: leaves them alone, or if they say yeah, it is, 330 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,680 Speaker 3: but then the friend says, well, how do we help 331 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:22,600 Speaker 3: you to do it in a way that you feel 332 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,840 Speaker 3: good about? That's I mean. I'm not encouraging our kids 333 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,680 Speaker 3: to be involved in any of those kinds of activities. 334 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,960 Speaker 3: But what I'm suggesting is if we've modeled it well 335 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,520 Speaker 3: as parents, our kids are going to be more responsive 336 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,320 Speaker 3: to that in a voice when they get older, because 337 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 3: they'll know their mind, they'll know what they want to do, 338 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,760 Speaker 3: they'll know what's important to them, and I think they'll 339 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 3: make better decisions. Hard conversation to have, but an important one. 340 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 3: So how far do you push your kids? You don't 341 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 3: push them. I don't think you push them. You say 342 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,680 Speaker 3: to them, this matters to me, and here's why does 343 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,120 Speaker 3: it matter? To you. Let's be honest. Sometimes we do 344 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 3: have our own agenda. But you know what, let me 345 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,520 Speaker 3: reveal something really challenging and we'll probably wrap up on this. 346 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,960 Speaker 3: We've got a daughter who gets really anxious about stuff, 347 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,520 Speaker 3: and she's finished three of her piano exams. She's due 348 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,280 Speaker 3: to do her Grade four and she could do it 349 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,480 Speaker 3: very comfortably. She's now playing Grade five piano pieces, but 350 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:15,280 Speaker 3: she hates exams. She's terrified of them. And recently we've 351 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:18,560 Speaker 3: made a decision the exams matter more to me than 352 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 3: they do to her, and so I've stopped asking her 353 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 3: to do the exams because they don't matter to her. 354 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 3: And whether she's done the exams or not doesn't matter. 355 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,600 Speaker 3: She can still play grade five pieces without having done 356 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,480 Speaker 3: the grade four exam, like you're allowed to move up. 357 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,080 Speaker 3: You can go and buy the book and you can 358 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 3: play the next level of piece even if you haven't 359 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,520 Speaker 3: done the exam. Maybe when she's older, she decides she 360 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:38,960 Speaker 3: wants to do the exams, and at that point she'll 361 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,960 Speaker 3: blitz it because she's doing it because she wants to. 362 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,040 Speaker 3: But I'm not pushing her, and I feel like life 363 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 3: works better that way. And she's found a new No, she's. 364 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,200 Speaker 2: Got a renewed vigor. 365 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,160 Speaker 3: Yes, she s loves playing the piano now because she 366 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:57,000 Speaker 3: doesn't have the pressure of the exams. Anyway, we hope 367 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,680 Speaker 3: that this has been a useful, if not somehow unexpectedly 368 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 3: important and deep conversation about pushing kids and how far 369 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 3: we should push them. If you have any questions, you 370 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,600 Speaker 3: can send you questions to us podcasts at happy families 371 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,480 Speaker 3: dot com dot au. That's podcasts with an s at 372 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,359 Speaker 3: happy families dot com dot au. As always, the Happy 373 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,399 Speaker 3: Families podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. 374 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,800 Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and if you'd like 375 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 3: more info about making your family happier, visit happy families 376 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:25,520 Speaker 3: dot com dot au.