1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:02,920 Speaker 1: It's a Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,840 Speaker 1: podcast for the time Poor parent who just wants Answers 3 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,680 Speaker 1: Now Where Luke and Susie a husband and wife radio 4 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: team and the parents are three young boys, and today 5 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:15,280 Speaker 1: we're talking about bedtime when you're on your own. A 6 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,160 Speaker 1: question from Elease today Luke is a little bit devastating. 7 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 1: It's a bit heartbreaking because it's parenting in a way 8 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:23,320 Speaker 1: that none of us expect to. We always go into 9 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:26,759 Speaker 1: parenthood expecting that this is a team game. But Elisa's 10 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,960 Speaker 1: found herself in a difficult situation has written through to 11 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 1: the show looking for some advice. Today she says, I'm 12 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,479 Speaker 1: a widow with three kids. They're seven, five and three. 13 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,559 Speaker 1: How do solo parents or those doing night routines on 14 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,600 Speaker 1: their own get their kids to stay in the rooms 15 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,800 Speaker 1: at bedtime when you can't divide and conquer to say 16 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,600 Speaker 1: good night. She's procrastinating from going to bed and staying there. 17 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,199 Speaker 2: Ouch to answer that question, somebody who's a little bit 18 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,559 Speaker 2: wiser and more experience than us is doctor Justin Coulson, 19 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 2: who is once again joining us. Justin, this is a 20 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,240 Speaker 2: pretty difficult scenario for us to address. Because there's no 21 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 2: lighthearted whimsic all of this. Here's a mum in the 22 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,440 Speaker 2: worst case scenario after having three kids to lose a husband. 23 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, and so young, seven, five, and three. I consistently say, 24 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:15,240 Speaker 3: I don't know how single parents do it. It's just 25 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:19,200 Speaker 3: such a tough gig, especially with young families. And I 26 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,120 Speaker 3: have to be honest, I don't think that there are 27 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,960 Speaker 3: any easy answers. I mean, I wish I could just 28 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,759 Speaker 3: pull this solution out of my pocket and say, well, 29 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,480 Speaker 3: this is all that she needs to do, but it 30 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,319 Speaker 3: kind of doesn't work like that. I mean, there are 31 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:33,960 Speaker 3: things like priorities and organizational skills and having a good routine, 32 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,319 Speaker 3: but at the end of the day, if you're trying 33 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:36,640 Speaker 3: to put that three year old down in the three 34 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 3: or old won't go to sleep, and the five year 35 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 3: old's messing around, and the seven year old's trying to 36 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,880 Speaker 3: be the mum or be the dad, and I mean, 37 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,720 Speaker 3: it's just it's rough. 38 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:46,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, and you can only imagine. I mean, all of 39 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:48,600 Speaker 1: us feel tired at the end of the day. And 40 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,680 Speaker 1: when it comes to doing the night routine, how much 41 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 1: do you want to just put the kids in their room, 42 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 1: turn the light out and say just go sleep. 43 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:56,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, or you can give them an eye pattern just. 44 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:01,040 Speaker 1: Yes, set them off, But I mean payoff and reward 45 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: obviously in taking the time for the cuddles, the reading 46 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,040 Speaker 1: the story, the tucking them in, the saying good night. 47 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,519 Speaker 1: But what if it's not working, What if even after 48 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,359 Speaker 1: that they're still just getting up and up and up. 49 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:11,679 Speaker 2: Yeah. 50 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, again, no easy answers in this situation. I often 51 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 3: offer some reassurance that this will pass. But there are 52 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,359 Speaker 3: a couple of things that we can do that could 53 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,760 Speaker 3: at least be a little bit practical and a little 54 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:28,240 Speaker 3: bit helpful. I think that one of the most helpful 55 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,359 Speaker 3: things that we can do is give the seven year 56 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:34,000 Speaker 3: old some gentle responsibility. So maybe the seven year old 57 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,520 Speaker 3: can read to the five year old, or the seven 58 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,360 Speaker 3: year old can have a job to do that they 59 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 3: actually really like, that makes them feel important and big 60 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 3: and good, and that kind of at least takes care 61 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,600 Speaker 3: of that child. Let the seven year old know that 62 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:46,400 Speaker 3: because they're a bit older, they get to stay up 63 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,920 Speaker 3: half an hour later. And I'd really be focusing heavily 64 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,919 Speaker 3: on consistency in that sleep routine. So the three year 65 00:02:53,919 --> 00:02:55,440 Speaker 3: old is obviously going to be the first one. Maybe 66 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,239 Speaker 3: the three and five year old together they can both 67 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,880 Speaker 3: go to sleep. Let's say, for example seven point thirty, 68 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:04,840 Speaker 3: which means that dinner is cleared away by seven, they 69 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,600 Speaker 3: have their bath until seven fifteen, they brush their teeth, 70 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,400 Speaker 3: and then they hop into bed and they're ready for 71 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 3: sleep at seven point thirty, and you put them in 72 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:16,079 Speaker 3: your bed, read them that story, spend that really special 73 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,639 Speaker 3: time with them, just giving them big hugs, and keep 74 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 3: them together. Once they're asleep, you can move them to 75 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,400 Speaker 3: their own beds, you know, at eight point thirty, when 76 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,560 Speaker 3: you've dealt with the seven year old and put the 77 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:29,639 Speaker 3: seven year old a bit as well. But really routines Kylie, 78 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:31,800 Speaker 3: my wife and I have found, and again it's a 79 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 3: different scenario. We've got the two of us, but with 80 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,800 Speaker 3: six children life can get pretty complicated. We've found that 81 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 3: the answer to the universe and everything, the solution to 82 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 3: marital bliss, the solution to family well being and happiness 83 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 3: is dinner at five point thirty's. 84 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,640 Speaker 2: I can see it and pro that there are times 85 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,320 Speaker 2: when our kids were younger and we did that. It 86 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,840 Speaker 2: fit everything. In the bedtimes and there's bath times and 87 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,920 Speaker 2: all that stuff just fit Yeah, the later it got, 88 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:03,520 Speaker 2: the harder it was. 89 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,080 Speaker 3: Now, let's be really clear, most families can't actually do 90 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 3: thirty and if you're a single mum, it's probably going 91 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 3: to be even harder to do that. There are so 92 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,000 Speaker 3: many other ways that we have to try to juggle 93 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,720 Speaker 3: and get this happening. So a couple of my other 94 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:24,160 Speaker 3: practical solutions that that are probably completely impractical and laughable 95 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 3: for anybody who's really dealing with it, but they're the 96 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,440 Speaker 3: best that I've got in a messy, complicated, icky kind 97 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 3: of world. Spend your Saturday or your Sunday with some 98 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:34,960 Speaker 3: friends doing a cook up so that you've got three 99 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 3: or four meals prepped for the week, so that on 100 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,400 Speaker 3: Monday when it's chaos, and Wednesday and Thursday when it's 101 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,279 Speaker 3: absolutely crazy, you've got those meals. They're in the fridge, 102 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 3: all the veggies are chopped, all the meats cook, everything's 103 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,400 Speaker 3: ready to go. You've just got to reheat. You save 104 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,599 Speaker 3: money and you save time, and you can still actually 105 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 3: so and. 106 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: The seven and the five year old are well old 107 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,479 Speaker 1: enough to be even the three year old's got tasks 108 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 1: they can do in the kitchen to help help. 109 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and bring them in. I mean, we don't 110 00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 3: want to burden them and make it awful for them. 111 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,839 Speaker 3: But let's let's make it fun. Let's play some music. 112 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,479 Speaker 3: And maybe that's probably the last thing that I would say. 113 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,760 Speaker 3: You're feeling heavy, you're feeling exhausted, You're just lots so 114 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,480 Speaker 3: much going on. But if we can lighten the load 115 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 3: a little, if we can make time for laughter and 116 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 3: for dancing, and for music and for genuinely enjoying and connecting, 117 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 3: making those mornings and those evenings nurturing and magical at 118 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,839 Speaker 3: least a little bit of the time, the burden does 119 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:27,840 Speaker 3: become lighter. 120 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,279 Speaker 2: It sounds to me like most of what you've said, 121 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 2: in a practical sense, is about creating space in the time. 122 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:39,160 Speaker 2: Right now it might feel burdensome and stressful, that you know, 123 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,800 Speaker 2: if they go to bed a little bit later, a 124 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,159 Speaker 2: little bit outside of the rules of what is normally 125 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,919 Speaker 2: best practice. There not only is Mum grieving, but so 126 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,360 Speaker 2: are these so are these children. Create space for that 127 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,920 Speaker 2: to be okay, for it to be different. 128 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,839 Speaker 3: Sure, we still want to have some routine. We don't 129 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,480 Speaker 3: want to be too flexible, but we don't be too 130 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 3: rigid either. A routine is key. Bringing in support is critical, 131 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:05,280 Speaker 3: setting up systems, like I said on the weekend, doing 132 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,560 Speaker 3: that extra cooking that kind of thing will will be 133 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 3: a lifesaver, and then having the just spond to follow 134 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,080 Speaker 3: through actually making it happen. Wow, that's the hardest part. 135 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,719 Speaker 2: I mean, I guess a big part too is if 136 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,120 Speaker 2: you hearing this story and you know somebody in your 137 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 2: world who might be in a situation that you can 138 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:27,880 Speaker 2: say is equivalent in some way to that single parent, widow, widower, 139 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:31,680 Speaker 2: then maybe you could be someone to reach out and 140 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 2: actually offer some support, to say how can I how 141 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 2: can I help? And whether it's a meal, or whether 142 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:38,800 Speaker 2: it's a babysitting, or whether it's a give the parent 143 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 2: a break, to actually take this prompt. If this isn't 144 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,080 Speaker 2: you then step in for someone who the story is about. 145 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,480 Speaker 3: I just I'm so glad you said that. I love that. 146 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:47,920 Speaker 3: Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a world 147 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,560 Speaker 3: I saw a video a couple of years ago about 148 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,359 Speaker 3: a lady who was part of a church community. She 149 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:57,680 Speaker 3: had a terrible debilitating disease that meant that she was 150 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 3: in a wheelchair during the day and she actually couldn't 151 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:03,919 Speaker 3: get into bed at night. This was an ongoing issue, 152 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,920 Speaker 3: it was never going to be resolved, and her church 153 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:09,279 Speaker 3: community actually came to her and said, we have a solution. 154 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,240 Speaker 3: We're going to send two men from our congregation to 155 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 3: you every single night for as long as we need to, 156 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,120 Speaker 3: even if it's the next twenty years, and they're going 157 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:21,040 Speaker 3: to help you out of your wheelchair and into bed 158 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,840 Speaker 3: each night. And what a lot of the men were 159 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:25,640 Speaker 3: grumbling and going. 160 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:27,440 Speaker 1: And I can't believe it. 161 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:31,160 Speaker 3: And they started to talk about how it had changed 162 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 3: their hearts and they actually looked forward to that opportunity 163 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 3: where they could go and connect with this lady and 164 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:39,239 Speaker 3: do this service. If you know somebody, what a great 165 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:39,680 Speaker 3: thing to do. 166 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 2: How wonderful, wonderful, wonderful wrap up of a very difficult story. 167 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:48,160 Speaker 2: And our prayers go out to the family and dealing 168 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 2: with the grief that they've got. 169 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,280 Speaker 1: Thank you, doctor Justin Colson for appreciate your time. 170 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,280 Speaker 3: Wish we could do more, but I'm glad that. I 171 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,080 Speaker 3: hope that's helpful. 172 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,000 Speaker 2: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to 173 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,360 Speaker 2: get onto iTunes and leave a rating and review. You 174 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,760 Speaker 2: can click on the stars comments like. 175 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:04,160 Speaker 1: Mela Floud he did, who said? Wonderful parenting resource. Dr 176 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: Dustin Pilson's podcast, books, videos, online articles, et cetera. For 177 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,640 Speaker 1: the list goes on are such wonderful resources for parents 178 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: who want to encourage positivity and happiness using the latest evidence. 179 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,760 Speaker 1: He communicates ideas in a way that is easy to 180 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,800 Speaker 1: understand and with a respect for how hard parenting can be. 181 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 1: Definitely a great place to start if you're feeling a 182 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:23,440 Speaker 1: need to make some changes. 183 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:25,520 Speaker 2: Oh that's a good review. If you like justin to 184 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:29,160 Speaker 2: speak at your school or organization, just visit happyfamilies dot 185 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 2: com dot au