1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,040 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:11,000 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers now leave. 3 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,880 Speaker 2: Blow up parents very loud and aggressive. They don't actually 4 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 2: deal with stuff so much as dramatically blow it around 5 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:17,760 Speaker 2: so that someone else will clean it up. 6 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:22,079 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom 7 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:22,600 Speaker 1: and Dad. 8 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:26,159 Speaker 2: Tonight at happy families dot com dot au, we are 9 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:29,159 Speaker 2: running a webinar. I can't wait for you to have 10 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 2: a go at this webinar. It's based on my brand 11 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:33,760 Speaker 2: new book, The Parenting Revolution by me. 12 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:35,920 Speaker 3: Do you have to have read the book? 13 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:40,840 Speaker 2: Doctor justin couson. This book came out approximately twenty days ago. 14 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 3: I'm just asking, can you have to have read the book? 15 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,000 Speaker 2: You've had twenty days? You haven't read my book? Have you? 16 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:48,479 Speaker 3: Maybe not? 17 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 2: Have you really not? 18 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:53,320 Speaker 3: Is on my bedside, right, it's almost at the top 19 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 3: of the hog. 20 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,800 Speaker 2: Come on, what are you prioritizing over the Parenting Revolution? 21 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:01,480 Speaker 3: Maybe a few in normals. So here's the thing. In 22 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,960 Speaker 3: my defense, when I don't have a lot of time, 23 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 3: I need to read a novel because it only takes 24 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,000 Speaker 3: a few days, right, Whereas your book is not going 25 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,039 Speaker 3: to take me a few days because if I know 26 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:14,280 Speaker 3: anything about anything. It's that this is going to hurt 27 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 3: my brain a little bit. 28 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,840 Speaker 2: Do you know what? I have had so many people 29 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,640 Speaker 2: already email me, text me, jump onto Facebook and say 30 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,160 Speaker 2: that their book has arrived, that they've read it, that 31 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,280 Speaker 2: they've loved it. In fact, somebody just the other days 32 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:26,440 Speaker 2: that they loved it so much they ordered four more 33 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:27,039 Speaker 2: for their friends. 34 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,479 Speaker 3: Do they have my six kids? 35 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 2: Well, hope, but nobody has your six kids. We have 36 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:33,960 Speaker 2: our six kids. 37 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,920 Speaker 3: So in my personal circumstances, I haven't had time. 38 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,520 Speaker 2: Right well, I don't know whether to be offended. 39 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 3: I can't believe you're giving me a hard time. It's 40 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:44,680 Speaker 3: about not reading your book. 41 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 2: It's my brand new book. My next book that I'm 42 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:50,480 Speaker 2: in the process of researching for is about raising boys, 43 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 2: about bringing up boys. You're not going to read that 44 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:52,560 Speaker 2: one either. 45 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,000 Speaker 3: Oh, probably definitely not read. 46 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,240 Speaker 2: So for those of you who and you do the podcast, 47 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 2: I'm justin call you my wife mum to our six doors. 48 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,800 Speaker 3: So you know, I probably read the book a hundred 49 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,279 Speaker 3: times over with the amount of things that I listen 50 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,120 Speaker 3: to from you day in day out. 51 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,600 Speaker 2: You're saying you could teach it so well, you don't 52 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:11,919 Speaker 2: need to. 53 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:15,200 Speaker 3: Not saying that at all. I'm happy for you to 54 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 3: have your place in society, but I will say that 55 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,120 Speaker 3: there won't be much in there that I'll read that 56 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,799 Speaker 3: will be new to me because the conversations we have 57 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:26,840 Speaker 3: are ongoing and regular. 58 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 2: Well, I think I've written a really good book, and 59 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,079 Speaker 2: I'm not saying it's not a good book, and I 60 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,440 Speaker 2: think that you'll enjoy it. You might even see a 61 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:33,880 Speaker 2: side of me. 62 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,880 Speaker 3: Maybe it might feature in book Club in a few months. 63 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,959 Speaker 3: You never know, in book Club, book book Club when 64 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,119 Speaker 3: we do our book reviews. 65 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:49,760 Speaker 2: Oh oh, of course book Club on the podcast. Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. 66 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 3: All right, well let's be patient. 67 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 2: I'm nervous about that. That that does. Let's get on 68 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:54,760 Speaker 2: with the podcast with. 69 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,440 Speaker 3: About my three star rating? Is that what you're writing? 70 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 2: Don't you dare? If five star rating? I don't know 71 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 2: if you're ever going to be invited back onto this 72 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,600 Speaker 2: podcast again. All right, we need to talk about tonight. 73 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,560 Speaker 2: Tonight's webinar. For those of you who are Happy Families members, 74 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,360 Speaker 2: thank you so much for being a Happy Family's member. 75 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 2: We love our members and every month you get a 76 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:18,359 Speaker 2: webinar included in your memberships. I mean, the value of 77 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 2: the webinar is thirty five dollars, but the membership family 78 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,840 Speaker 2: costs eighteen dollars a month, so you get a half 79 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:25,840 Speaker 2: priced webinar, plus you get our Q and A and 80 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:27,280 Speaker 2: a whole lot of other stuff. So if you're not 81 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 2: a Happy Family's member, please join up. You would just 82 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 2: love it. And I mean, we have members who have 83 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 2: been with us now for more than three years because 84 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 2: the value and the way that it makes a difference 85 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:39,720 Speaker 2: in their lives and their families is so substantial ongoingly, 86 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,000 Speaker 2: even if I say the same thing over and over again, 87 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,520 Speaker 2: it makes that much your difference. Anyway, tonight we're doing 88 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,560 Speaker 2: a webinar. If you're not a Happy Family's member, you 89 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,480 Speaker 2: can purchase the webinar right now at Happy families dot 90 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,839 Speaker 2: com dot a you for thirty five dollars. We very 91 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,280 Speaker 2: rarely sort of push and sell stuff on the podcast, 92 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,320 Speaker 2: but today I want to tell you about the webinar. 93 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,280 Speaker 3: Well, I have a few questions personally, Are you going 94 00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,840 Speaker 3: to charge me thirty five dollars to attend? 95 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,880 Speaker 2: Unbelievable? Yeah, I think that I will because you give 96 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 2: me such a hard time. You can sit here in 97 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,120 Speaker 2: the office with me while I do the webinar and 98 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,920 Speaker 2: you can hear it for free. I'll let you come 99 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 2: to the office. I might have more important things, like 100 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 2: reading the book that the webinar's about. 101 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 3: Hey, so I'm interested to know though you talk about 102 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,600 Speaker 3: parenting styles. And we've heard about parenting styles for years, yes, 103 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,680 Speaker 3: and this concept that there's all these different ways and 104 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 3: there's a right way and there's the wrong way. But 105 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 3: what have parenting styles traditionally been. 106 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,479 Speaker 2: So this is what we're going to be talking about 107 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,120 Speaker 2: in the webinar. We're going to talk about parenting styles 108 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 2: and the parenting style that I advocate as being the 109 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:42,040 Speaker 2: best one to raise the most likely to thrive children. 110 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,200 Speaker 2: So typically when you talk to any psychologists, they'll draw 111 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 2: a little two by two square like four boxes, you 112 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 2: know what I mean, Like a box with a cross throwers. 113 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,120 Speaker 2: You've got four boxes? Have I that makes sense? Okay? Great? 114 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 2: And handball cord perfect if that's what it's going to be. 115 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,800 Speaker 2: And if you can imagine, you've got two dimensions, so 116 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,359 Speaker 2: you've got responsiveness on one dimension and demanding this on 117 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:07,359 Speaker 2: the other dimension. In the nineteen fifties nineteen sixties, a 118 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 2: couple of research is a guy called Earl Shaffer in 119 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 2: the fifties and then Diana Bormer in the nineteen sixties. 120 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,640 Speaker 2: Their colleagues they were looking at parenting and they were like, 121 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:15,520 Speaker 2: this is the main stuff that parents seem to do. 122 00:05:15,839 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 2: They're either warm and loving to their kids or they're 123 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 2: placing demands on their kids. And by the time we 124 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,320 Speaker 2: got into the nineteen nineties, a couple of other really 125 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:28,359 Speaker 2: smart researchers maccaby and Martin Ellen or Macabey and I 126 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:32,640 Speaker 2: think it was John Martin, they put together this two 127 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,800 Speaker 2: by two grid and decided that this would be a 128 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 2: great way to conceptualize it. Now, there was a third 129 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:42,159 Speaker 2: part to both Bormran and Shafer. They talked about this 130 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,280 Speaker 2: thing called autonomy support, but it kind of disappeared like, 131 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,200 Speaker 2: so I'm going to use a religious motif for a 132 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:51,800 Speaker 2: second to highlight what I'm talking about. Okay, So you've 133 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 2: got three things autonomy, support, responsiveness and demanding. This you're 134 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:59,360 Speaker 2: with me, yep, Okay, hold that in the left hand 135 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,160 Speaker 2: side her brain for a second, and we're going to 136 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 2: engage the right hand SIETYR brain for a second when 137 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:06,840 Speaker 2: I talk about the cross. Okay, so we're going to 138 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 2: use a Christian motif. Here for a second, when I 139 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 2: talk about the cross, what do you think of specifically 140 00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:16,040 Speaker 2: from a not not from a religious perspective, but what 141 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,359 Speaker 2: did the cross look like? 142 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 3: Two lines? 143 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,640 Speaker 2: Two lines? Okay? And where are they situated? How are 144 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:24,280 Speaker 2: they drawn? 145 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,640 Speaker 3: If you were to draw the line and the short 146 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 3: line okay, intersecting each. 147 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:32,839 Speaker 2: Other, yep, in what shape and a cross? And in 148 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:35,440 Speaker 2: a plus sign and a plus sign? Okay? So the 149 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,800 Speaker 2: short line is crossing over the long line. I need 150 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,360 Speaker 2: some more information here. What you're trying to say is 151 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,919 Speaker 2: that the long line is vertical, it goes up. The 152 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,560 Speaker 2: short line is horizontal, it goes across the vertical line. 153 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,960 Speaker 2: Think like this, You clearly don't. But here's what I 154 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,840 Speaker 2: find really fascinating about this. We have all of these illustrations. 155 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:56,560 Speaker 2: You don't have to be Christian to know that when 156 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,640 Speaker 2: you're talking about the cross from a religious point of view, 157 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 2: that's what it looks like. It looks like a letter T, 158 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,360 Speaker 2: a small letter T that's been stuck in the ground 159 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,719 Speaker 2: and somebody's been crucified on it. 160 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 3: Right. 161 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,960 Speaker 2: What's fascinating is I've dug into this a little bit 162 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 2: because of our own background and the cross that the 163 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 2: Romans would use for crucifixions. To create a cross that 164 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 2: looked like a small letter T was actually quite a 165 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 2: challenge from an engineering point of view. And there are 166 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,160 Speaker 2: some religious scholars and some historians that I argue that 167 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,600 Speaker 2: the cross didn't necessarily look like that. In fact, it 168 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,840 Speaker 2: might have been more like a capital T, or it 169 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 2: could have even been more like an X. 170 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:34,720 Speaker 3: I say, more like an X. 171 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:38,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, And so we have this conceptualization that that's what 172 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,240 Speaker 2: a cross is supposed to look like because we've seen 173 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 2: so much art depicting the cross looking like a small 174 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,520 Speaker 2: letter T. Okay, that's a big tangent, but it applies 175 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 2: a lot to what I'm about to talk about with 176 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 2: parenting styles. I remember I said that there are three 177 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 2: dimensions that Bormeran and Schaeffer and many others have talked about, 178 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 2: with autonomy support being a critically important dimension. But when 179 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 2: this two two diagram of parenting styles was designed, they 180 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 2: only included responsiveness and demanding. This autonomy support was never 181 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,800 Speaker 2: put in it. And so if you talk to any 182 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,560 Speaker 2: psychologist nowadays, you talk to them about what makes a 183 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,520 Speaker 2: great parent, they're almost guaranteed to pull up this little 184 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:21,920 Speaker 2: two by two table with responsiveness and demandingness. And they'll say, well, 185 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,240 Speaker 2: you can be high on responsiveness and high on demandingness, 186 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,520 Speaker 2: or you can be low on both, or you can 187 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 2: be high on one on low on the other, or 188 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,960 Speaker 2: vice versa low on one and high on the other. 189 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 2: And we have names for them. We call when you're 190 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:38,120 Speaker 2: high on responsiveness and high on demanding this that means 191 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,280 Speaker 2: lots of love and lots of limits. We call that authoritative. 192 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 2: That's always been seen as the gold standard. 193 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely. 194 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,240 Speaker 2: But if you're seen as highly demanding but very low 195 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 2: on responsiveness, not that warm but just lots of rules, 196 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,120 Speaker 2: you're seen as authoritarian. Yeah that's right, my way to 197 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 2: the highway. And conversely, if you're really high on responsiveness 198 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,160 Speaker 2: but low on demanding, this you're seen as being all 199 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 2: lovey dovey and permissive. Yeah, that that kind of thing. 200 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,000 Speaker 2: And if you're low on both, you perceived as being neglectful. Right, 201 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,439 Speaker 2: So that that's the parenting style model that's existed and 202 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 2: being popularized. And that's why it was it just. 203 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,080 Speaker 3: Because there wasn't like two boxes looked better than three. 204 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like to create. 205 00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:20,960 Speaker 3: How is it that they already actually had come to 206 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,679 Speaker 3: the conclusion that autonomy support was important, but it never 207 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 3: made the model. 208 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,240 Speaker 2: And never made the model, and so we've got this 209 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,719 Speaker 2: model of parenting that has evolved out of the out 210 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:34,160 Speaker 2: of the shape that was created by the researchers that 211 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:40,760 Speaker 2: missed the fundamental, absolutely essential component that makes parenting work best. 212 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,120 Speaker 2: And that's essentially what we're going to talk about tonight. 213 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,840 Speaker 2: How do we get this autonomy support into the model 214 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,679 Speaker 2: and how does that change the other stuff? 215 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:54,520 Speaker 3: Okay, were you talking about autonomy supportive? 216 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,680 Speaker 2: Like I and and I'm also getting really geeky as 217 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,360 Speaker 2: well in sciencey, and I apologize for that. 218 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,719 Speaker 3: Well, you you talk about this idea of you know, 219 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 3: the mental picture that's created by a cross For instance, 220 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:12,480 Speaker 3: if you said tiger parenting, everybody has an instant, yes, 221 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:15,320 Speaker 3: image of what a tiger parent would look like and 222 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:18,560 Speaker 3: what their interactions with their children would be like. But 223 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:23,040 Speaker 3: you say autonomy supportive. And we've had this conversation plenty 224 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,000 Speaker 3: of times where people are gone, so you're talking about 225 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 3: soft parenting. Yeah, so what is autonomy supportive parenting? What 226 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:31,720 Speaker 3: does it actually look like? 227 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,400 Speaker 2: Okay, so I don't actually call it autonomy supportive parenting. 228 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,319 Speaker 2: I call it needs supportive parenting because the autonomy is 229 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,560 Speaker 2: not the only need. And essentially what we're doing is 230 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 2: so those other parenting styles that we're talking about in 231 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,800 Speaker 2: terms of authoritative and authoritarian, they're all about how the 232 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:49,760 Speaker 2: parent does things to the child, like how much nurture 233 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,840 Speaker 2: the parent gives to the child, how many limits and 234 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,920 Speaker 2: demands the parent places on the child. So it's very 235 00:10:55,040 --> 00:11:00,679 Speaker 2: much parent centric, whereas needs supportive parenting is very much 236 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:04,600 Speaker 2: about how the parent creates an environment so the child 237 00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:08,000 Speaker 2: can have intrinsic motivation and doesn't need things done to them. Like. 238 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:09,800 Speaker 2: It's a fundamental shift. That's what I've called it the 239 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,160 Speaker 2: parenting revolution, because it's a fundamental shift in how we 240 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,480 Speaker 2: approach parenting. And you're right, like, you can talk about 241 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:19,240 Speaker 2: free range parenting in like ten seconds and people get it. Oh, yeah, 242 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 2: that's parents who are pretty cruisy to let the kids 243 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:24,120 Speaker 2: go and hang out and explore their boundaries. And you 244 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 2: can talk about helicopter parenting and everyone knows, Yeah, that's 245 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 2: parents who hover over their kids and it's aff make 246 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,880 Speaker 2: sure that they're safe all the time. And you know 247 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,839 Speaker 2: that detachment pairing is all about being close to the 248 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,959 Speaker 2: kids that stuff just in it makes sense and it's 249 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,640 Speaker 2: so easy, and that's what I hate. Like, I spent 250 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,240 Speaker 2: months trying to think of a better name than needs 251 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:49,120 Speaker 2: supportive parenting. It's the worst name ever. Well, no, it is. 252 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,080 Speaker 2: It's the worst name ever. So if I was to 253 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 2: describe or time be supportive parenting, it's not about what 254 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,360 Speaker 2: we do to the child. It's about how we create 255 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,839 Speaker 2: an environment that helps child with thrife, and we do 256 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,280 Speaker 2: that by meeting their three basic psychological needs. Any who's 257 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,320 Speaker 2: listened to the podcast for a little while knows this 258 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,720 Speaker 2: stuff because I really do talk about it a lot. 259 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,560 Speaker 2: As humans and food. As humans, we all have three 260 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:13,960 Speaker 2: basic psychological needs. Food food is not a psychological need. 261 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 3: I think there would be plenty of parents that would 262 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 3: be different. 263 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,600 Speaker 2: So they are related in the it's a sense of belonging, 264 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:26,079 Speaker 2: being involved and connected. Competence. Competence from a parenting point 265 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,520 Speaker 2: of view is about how we establish boundaries and limits 266 00:12:29,559 --> 00:12:32,040 Speaker 2: and routines and rhythms so our kids know how to 267 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,120 Speaker 2: how to act in the environment with a degree of mastery. 268 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 2: And the third one is autonomy. That is, they've got 269 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 2: to have a sense of choice in their lives, and 270 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,280 Speaker 2: there are really strong relationships between meeting those needs and 271 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:48,439 Speaker 2: how motivated our kids are intrinsically motivated to do well, 272 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,520 Speaker 2: to thrive, to develop, to grow. 273 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,760 Speaker 3: Can you come up with another word for autonomy that 274 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,160 Speaker 3: starts with see doesn't choice? 275 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:01,760 Speaker 2: Choice, control, connection, competence and control like that? Maybe I've 276 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 2: said it a few times. Yeah, but we want to 277 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,880 Speaker 2: be in control of our lives. Yeah, okay, So there's 278 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,439 Speaker 2: a big relationship between meeting those needs and how motivated 279 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,079 Speaker 2: people are intrinsically motivated. And there's a big relationship between 280 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,280 Speaker 2: meeting those needs, that is, being a need supported parent 281 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,920 Speaker 2: and your child's well being and resilience, I mean profoundly important. 282 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,360 Speaker 3: Well, if you want to listen to doctor Justin Coulson 283 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 3: geek out, then it sounds like tonight's webinar. It's going 284 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:25,880 Speaker 3: to be perfect. 285 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 2: I promise it's not going to be a geek out. 286 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,240 Speaker 2: We've actually geeked out way more in this conversation than 287 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:30,760 Speaker 2: I wanted to. 288 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:34,240 Speaker 3: Well, I'm going to change tech because I just want. 289 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 2: To highlight it's going to be a practical webinar. It's 290 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,200 Speaker 2: thirty five bucks. If your Happy Family's member, you can 291 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,440 Speaker 2: get it for free. Oh and by the way, hopefully 292 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:42,839 Speaker 2: there's a whole lot of stuff that we've already talked 293 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 2: about here that's really useful information. Like I'm giving away 294 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,520 Speaker 2: a lot of really great info here in the podcast 295 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:50,280 Speaker 2: because I know not everyone can afford the webinar. You 296 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 2: know what, if you can't afford it, if you legitimately 297 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,720 Speaker 2: can't afford it, send us an email. Send an email 298 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,679 Speaker 2: through to info at Happy Families dot com dot au 299 00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,560 Speaker 2: and just say that you heard on the podcast that 300 00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:03,120 Speaker 2: Justin is offering a financial support package for people who 301 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,959 Speaker 2: want to attend the webinar but just can't afford it, 302 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,360 Speaker 2: and we'll work something out. I'll tell the team to 303 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,240 Speaker 2: be prepared for that, and they'll give you like a 304 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,280 Speaker 2: coupon and you can have it for whatever. You can 305 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,240 Speaker 2: pay five bucks or ten bucks or something like that. 306 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,080 Speaker 2: So I want people to have access to this. It really, 307 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 2: really really matters anyway. 308 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:19,960 Speaker 3: What you're going to say, Well, you're giving me a 309 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 3: hard time because I haven't read your book, but I 310 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:22,640 Speaker 3: have wrote the back cover. 311 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,480 Speaker 2: That's so good. 312 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,120 Speaker 3: And you've got this whole line in here about Tesla 313 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:31,120 Speaker 3: parents and leaf blower parents and iPhone six parents. What 314 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,000 Speaker 3: the heck are you talking about? All right? 315 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,840 Speaker 2: So there was this guy who wrote an article in 316 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,360 Speaker 2: The Atlantic. I don't read a lot, but there's some 317 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 2: pretty good articles in Atlantic. I think it's a high 318 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,640 Speaker 2: quality leaf blower. 319 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:43,000 Speaker 3: Is that the dad that sicks the leaf blower on 320 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,720 Speaker 3: the swing and the kids swing around with the leaf blower? No, 321 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,400 Speaker 3: it's not. Oh okay. 322 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,280 Speaker 2: So this guy called j Martel wrote this article in 323 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,120 Speaker 2: the Atlantic, and what he's basically said is helicopter parents 324 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 2: are a passe. 325 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 4: They're so last year's model, so last year and so 326 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,000 Speaker 4: what he's come up with, and I didn't include them 327 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 4: all in the book, but a couple of them that 328 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,160 Speaker 4: I think we're just brilliant leaf blower parents, very loud 329 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:06,800 Speaker 4: and aggressive. 330 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,160 Speaker 2: They don't actually deal with stuff so much, just dramatically 331 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 2: blow it around so that someone else will clean it up. 332 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 2: He came up with what was the other one that 333 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 2: you mentioned? iPhone six? Yeah, Tesla parents. I love I 334 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,040 Speaker 2: love the Tesla parent. This is probably my favorite one. 335 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:27,480 Speaker 2: And the whole thing quiet attractive and ostensibly better for 336 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:31,880 Speaker 2: the world, but loathed by other parents for how sanctimonious 337 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 2: they are. And what was the other one? The iPhone Yeah, 338 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,440 Speaker 2: this is just sublimely so funny. He says. An iPhone 339 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,960 Speaker 2: six parent is old, sluggish and often slow on the uptake, 340 00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,640 Speaker 2: although sometimes more reliable than more up to date parents, 341 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,960 Speaker 2: despite being quirky and often cracked. 342 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,320 Speaker 3: You know, talking about old parents. While we were on 343 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:55,440 Speaker 3: the cruise, our kids' friends that they'd made couldn't believe 344 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,560 Speaker 3: how attractive you and I were. I couldn't work out 345 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,520 Speaker 3: what was going on. It was because all their parents 346 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:02,760 Speaker 3: were in their sixties. 347 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,800 Speaker 2: We had had a young family, We were young. And 348 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 2: you want to hear a couple more of these as 349 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,040 Speaker 2: we wrap up the podcast. There's some really funny ones here. 350 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:13,320 Speaker 2: There's the past to maker parents pastor maker Yep. They 351 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,280 Speaker 2: rolled teachers, babysitters and other people's kids flat and then 352 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,360 Speaker 2: slice them up into different shapes depending on their whims 353 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,440 Speaker 2: and what works best with the source made from pushy relatives, 354 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:27,120 Speaker 2: nannies and admissions officers. And there was the trash compactor parents. 355 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,560 Speaker 2: They make every member of the family do things whether 356 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,920 Speaker 2: they want to or not. Also, the air fry parents 357 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,880 Speaker 2: either completely shut down or blasting intense heat, causing a 358 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,840 Speaker 2: protective crust to form around their children are considered healthier 359 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 2: since they don't use conventional methods but end up being 360 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:44,200 Speaker 2: just as bad for you as everyone else. I just 361 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,640 Speaker 2: think so J Martell. We will link to that in 362 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,440 Speaker 2: the show notes about how Helicopter Parents are last year's 363 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,040 Speaker 2: model and join us tonight that joined me Kylie might 364 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 2: be sitting silent in the office beside me, although I 365 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 2: doubt it very much. It's never happened before. I can't 366 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:01,200 Speaker 2: imagine that it's going to happen this webinar. But it'd 367 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,480 Speaker 2: be great if you would hunt. I'd love to have 368 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,159 Speaker 2: you here. It'd be really cool to have somebody in 369 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:08,560 Speaker 2: the audience, live audience, in person. If you're up for it. 370 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,760 Speaker 2: Tonight's webinar it's all about the brand new book, The 371 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 2: Parenting Revolution. Please join us. You can find all the 372 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,359 Speaker 2: information at Happy families dot com dot au. Do you 373 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,800 Speaker 2: have any other questions about the webinar? 374 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,120 Speaker 3: What time will you be home? 375 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,160 Speaker 2: The webinar is supposed to go for sixty. 376 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,359 Speaker 3: Minutes supposed to I love how you say that. 377 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,800 Speaker 2: Historically I haven't been good at this, but I'm getting better. 378 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:29,840 Speaker 2: Join us at Happy families dot com dot au for 379 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,960 Speaker 2: the webinar. All the details are at our Facebook page 380 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 2: or online. Thanks so much Justin and rule On, our producer, 381 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,440 Speaker 2: for making the podcast sound great. For our executive producer, 382 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,680 Speaker 2: Craig Bruce, for all of the ideas, inspiration, and helping 383 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,879 Speaker 2: us to stay on track most of the time. If 384 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 2: you'd like more information about making your family happier, buy 385 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,520 Speaker 2: the book The Parenting Revolution by Me, or watch the 386 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,280 Speaker 2: webinar tonight, or just visit us at happy families dot 387 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,280 Speaker 2: com DOTU. Thanks for listening.