1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,280 Speaker 1: What makes a favorite child? Do you have a favorite child? 2 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:09,560 Speaker 1: Are you were allowed to say that you have a 3 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,959 Speaker 1: favorite child? What would happen if one of the children 4 00:00:12,039 --> 00:00:16,200 Speaker 1: found out that they were or were not the favorite child. 5 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,840 Speaker 1: We're tackling the big issues in today's Doctor's Desk episode 6 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,919 Speaker 1: of The Happy Family's podcast, We're So Glad You're joining 7 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:25,120 Speaker 1: us Real parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded 8 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:29,160 Speaker 1: parenting podcast, we are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, were 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:30,760 Speaker 1: you the favorite child and your family? 10 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 2: I can't answer that will incriminate me. 11 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,479 Speaker 1: No, but really were you? Do you think you were? 12 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 1: You're one of three sisters. Well, you've got an older 13 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:38,760 Speaker 1: half sister as well. 14 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,919 Speaker 2: My sisters would all say that I was. 15 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,600 Speaker 1: Really do do you believe that? Did you feel that? 16 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 2: I'm going to push back really hard on this whole 17 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,720 Speaker 2: favoritism thing because I don't think it's about favoritism. But 18 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 2: I think that I think that we have individual relationships 19 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,639 Speaker 2: with people, whether it's our children or whether it's our 20 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:03,320 Speaker 2: friends or acquaintances, doesn't mean that we favorite like I 21 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,480 Speaker 2: just I push against it. 22 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,960 Speaker 1: Ask me, were you the favorite? I have no idea 23 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 1: and I think that's how it should be. What I 24 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 1: would hope is that everyone I'm the oldest of six kids, 25 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,319 Speaker 1: and I would just hope that all of my siblings 26 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,480 Speaker 1: feel like they were the favorite child. I don't necessarily 27 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,320 Speaker 1: feel that I am the favorite, but I certainly don't 28 00:01:23,319 --> 00:01:25,480 Speaker 1: feel like I'm not the favorite. Does that make sense. 29 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, But you can talk to pretty much anyone and 30 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,039 Speaker 2: at some point in their lives they felt like they 31 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:31,800 Speaker 2: weren't the favorite. 32 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 1: Though I was sixteen of being really rude to my parents, 33 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,080 Speaker 1: I was definitely not the favorite at that point. 34 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:40,120 Speaker 2: So this is why I push against it, because when 35 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:42,559 Speaker 2: I look at the dynamics in our home, at different times, 36 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:46,399 Speaker 2: different children have needed more of us. And it's very 37 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:50,080 Speaker 2: easy to look from the outside and say, oh, she's 38 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,480 Speaker 2: your favorite because you're giving her all the time and attention. 39 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,880 Speaker 2: But it's got nothing to do with that. It's got 40 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 2: everything to do with having a needs based approach, and 41 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,560 Speaker 2: at this point in time, whether it be health or 42 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:06,520 Speaker 2: emotions or just time, this child needs more. 43 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,480 Speaker 1: Whenever really cool research lands on my desk, we talk 44 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:13,000 Speaker 1: about it on the Happy Families podcast. There's a brand 45 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,239 Speaker 1: new study just published in the last month or so. 46 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:19,960 Speaker 1: In a Psychological Bulletin. Psychological Bulletin is a highly regarded 47 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:25,240 Speaker 1: psychological journal, and this one is called Parents Favor Daughters 48 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,720 Speaker 1: a meta Analysis of Gender and Other Predictors of Parental 49 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 1: differential treatment meta analysis. It's a study of all the studies. 50 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,359 Speaker 2: So well, that means we've got six favorites. 51 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 1: Then we have six daughters, so therefore they're all the 52 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,200 Speaker 1: favorite I know. The researchers had to look at thirty 53 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,120 Speaker 1: peer review journal articles and dissertations and theses and fourteen 54 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,920 Speaker 1: other databases. In all, they looked at nearly twenty thousand 55 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,800 Speaker 1: unique participants in all these studies about favoritism, talking to 56 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,600 Speaker 1: the kids, talking to the parents, the studies, trying to 57 00:02:55,639 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 1: work out how favoritism works. Here's the very short version 58 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:03,880 Speaker 1: of a very big and very carefully conducted study in 59 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:07,760 Speaker 1: a highly regarded journal. Results showed that when favoritism was 60 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 1: based on autonomy and control, that is, a parents able 61 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:15,280 Speaker 1: to sort of just enjoy the kids without having to 62 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,400 Speaker 1: be heavily involved in their lives, then parents tended to 63 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,200 Speaker 1: favor older siblings, which makes sense. 64 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,560 Speaker 2: Right, It's almost hands off parenting. 65 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, when you've got an eight year old middle childhood 66 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: doing pretty well, and then you've got a three year 67 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:29,920 Speaker 1: old who is tearing the house apart and you've got 68 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:31,880 Speaker 1: to lift everything up up high and put it on 69 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,120 Speaker 1: the high shelves. Well, maybe that's an eighteen month old, 70 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,440 Speaker 1: but you kind of you love that eighteen month old. 71 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 1: But they're really needy, they're really whiny, they always want 72 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 1: to be picked up and carried. And you've got this 73 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:44,600 Speaker 1: eight year old who's just nailing nailing life. It's like, 74 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,600 Speaker 1: you get it, you're raizing. I mean, it's going to 75 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,040 Speaker 1: get worse than a few years. And then you're like 76 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 1: the younger one because the But essentially, we really like 77 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 1: it when the kids can function autonomously, when we don't 78 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: have to be too controlling over their lives. I should 79 00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,840 Speaker 1: share this with my mom. I'm turning fifty this year. 80 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,760 Speaker 1: You're still trying to tell me what to do. Maybe 81 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 1: I'm not the favorite after all. So here's where it 82 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,640 Speaker 1: gets really interesting. The research showed that parents tend to 83 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,120 Speaker 1: report favoring daughters. And I think that's because there's a 84 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: general rule. I mean, I'm writing this book, I'm finishing 85 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,360 Speaker 1: my book about boys at the moment, and there's there's 86 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,640 Speaker 1: a heaviness when people comment on social media about their 87 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:24,520 Speaker 1: sons versus their daughters. Parents generally worry about their kids, 88 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,160 Speaker 1: but when I talk to parents about their sons, there's 89 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,960 Speaker 1: I don't know what the word is, Kylie, there's genuine concern. 90 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,120 Speaker 1: There's but what if my son X, Y or Z 91 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,800 Speaker 1: in a way that parents don't worry about their daughters. 92 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:42,080 Speaker 1: It's it's tangible, it's it's palpable. Can you can feel 93 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 1: it in the discussions. So the research showed that our 94 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: parents are favoring their daughters more than their sons. And 95 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:53,120 Speaker 1: here it is in terms of personality attributes. Conscientious kids 96 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:59,520 Speaker 1: and agreeable kids definitely receiving more of the favored treatment. 97 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: And I think that's probably why you were the favorite, 98 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:07,920 Speaker 1: because you were always a conscientious contributor to the home. 99 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:12,280 Speaker 1: Conscientiousness is this character trait of doing the things that 100 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,000 Speaker 1: you say you're going to do. It's just being around 101 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,640 Speaker 1: and being present. Agreeableness it means that you're not creating 102 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,680 Speaker 1: fights and contention. Now that makes sense that these are 103 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 1: the kids that parents like more than the slightly neurotic children, 104 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:30,360 Speaker 1: the slightly extroverted and over the top kids. 105 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:34,680 Speaker 2: This is where I push back again because that's such 106 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 2: a shallow perception. Oh really, I honestly, I feel like 107 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:48,040 Speaker 2: just because your child is challenging and just because there's 108 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,920 Speaker 2: a lot of pushback, doesn't. 109 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:52,279 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they're not your favorite. 110 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 2: No. 111 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,320 Speaker 1: No, I like my kids that I fight with the most. 112 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,080 Speaker 1: Is that what you're saying. 113 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,159 Speaker 2: No, that's not what I'm saying. But I'm not saying. 114 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,640 Speaker 2: I'm also not saying that because my kids agreeable, they're 115 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 2: my favorite, they're easier to spend time with. 116 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, more conscientious children had relatively less conflict with their parents, 117 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,880 Speaker 1: so therefore they were perceived either by the parents or 118 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,479 Speaker 1: the child as being the more preferred child as a 119 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,719 Speaker 1: result of the reduced conflict. That's really what the researchers 120 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:20,040 Speaker 1: are getting up there. That's what the findings are. So 121 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,480 Speaker 1: the short version is this, kids that are conscientious, kids 122 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,600 Speaker 1: that are agreeable, kids that are female who do often 123 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 1: tend to be conscientious and agreeable relative to males anyway, 124 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,560 Speaker 1: And kids who are older tend to be more favored 125 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:33,599 Speaker 1: than kids who are younger. After the break, we're going 126 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,839 Speaker 1: to tell you how to not fall into the favoritism trap, 127 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,800 Speaker 1: because research is pretty clear that if you are a 128 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,920 Speaker 1: non favored child, that there are all kinds of social, 129 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:54,719 Speaker 1: psychological and self esteem issues that can follow. All right, Kylie, 130 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,120 Speaker 1: We've got a bunch of ideas for how we can 131 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,720 Speaker 1: help parents to not esteem one child more highly than 132 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:03,400 Speaker 1: the other. I have this activity that I do with educators. 133 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 1: I do an emotional intelligence workshop. It's probably my most 134 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 1: popular workshop. And around about sort of forty five to 135 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,160 Speaker 1: fifty minutes in we're talking about the idea of self awareness, 136 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: and I ask a question, Think about the students that 137 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:21,160 Speaker 1: you understand the least. Think about the students that you 138 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,360 Speaker 1: understand the most. How do you respond to them differently? 139 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,760 Speaker 1: What's your body language? How do you treat them differently? 140 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: Think about the things that you talk to them about 141 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,680 Speaker 1: and how much you talk to them, all that kind 142 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,560 Speaker 1: of stuff. What's the difference between the students that you 143 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,680 Speaker 1: understand the most and the ones you understand the least. 144 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,800 Speaker 1: Now here's the thing. I used to have the word 145 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,520 Speaker 1: like the most and like the least, but a bunch 146 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: of teachers said, oh no, no, we like them all, We 147 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,080 Speaker 1: really really truly like them all. And I'm like, yeah, whatever, 148 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 1: because some kids are really really tricky in a class 149 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,680 Speaker 1: of thirty. But I change the word from like to understand, 150 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 1: and I feel like this is a critical contributor to 151 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:58,400 Speaker 1: our conversation about favoritism. You're just much more likely to 152 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 1: get along better with the kids that you understand. And 153 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:05,360 Speaker 1: studies show that when you understand someone, slash like them. 154 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:10,160 Speaker 1: Your body language, your posture, you're like contact. You're totally you, 155 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:14,360 Speaker 1: completely open, Your sentences are longer less clipped, you're less 156 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,560 Speaker 1: direct and abrupt, less directive and corrective, and more. 157 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:21,360 Speaker 2: Times than not, you're actually you actually look for opportunities 158 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 2: to connect. 159 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:25,720 Speaker 1: So I guess my first major point here is that 160 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,560 Speaker 1: if you're concerned that you could be slipping into a 161 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,640 Speaker 1: I prefer this child over that child trap, which does 162 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:35,959 Speaker 1: have tremendously big impacts on their self esteem across across 163 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:40,040 Speaker 1: time and throughout life. Start to wonder about look at 164 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,680 Speaker 1: how you understand them differently, which one do you understand 165 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 1: better and which one less? And lean into the one 166 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,960 Speaker 1: that you understand least. Find ways to understand them better. 167 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,200 Speaker 1: I think it'll make a difference. The way I would 168 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,800 Speaker 1: say it is see their hearts. 169 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:54,800 Speaker 2: What's your second suggestion? 170 00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 1: Times and seasons? So we're currently raising our fifteen year 171 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,480 Speaker 1: old daughter. Well, she turns fifteen in a couple of weeks, 172 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,559 Speaker 1: but it feels like she's been fifteen throughout the last 173 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 1: three years now. And the reality is that there are 174 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,600 Speaker 1: some times in life that are just harder than others. 175 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,680 Speaker 1: So most people would generally agree that the toddle years 176 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:20,440 Speaker 1: are tricky, And most people would generally agree that that 177 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:26,080 Speaker 1: time frame from around fourteen through fifteen, maybe even sixteen, I. 178 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,600 Speaker 2: Reckon I'd take toddlerhood over teenagehood. 179 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 1: Sure, But if you haven't had teams before and you're 180 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,840 Speaker 1: dealing with your first toddler, I think it's really really hard. Right. 181 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 1: So the second thing that I want to emphasize is 182 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 1: just that you might understand them better at sometimes than others. 183 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,560 Speaker 1: They might be more agreeable at sometimes than others. They 184 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,760 Speaker 1: might be just more inclined to get along a little 185 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 1: more at sometimes over others. So Times and Seasons is 186 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 1: my second one, and I only have one more idea. 187 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,120 Speaker 1: The idea is this, we need to find joy. We 188 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 1: need to find ways to experience joy. Pleasant conversation is fun, activities, laughter, delight, 189 00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:08,560 Speaker 1: time to look into one another's eyes, the opportunity to 190 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: really understand one another. We need to find joy in 191 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:16,839 Speaker 1: our relationships, and that means time time together. And when 192 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,839 Speaker 1: you spend that time, it's really hard for kids to 193 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 1: feel like they're not the favorite because you're spending time 194 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: with them. 195 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,439 Speaker 2: For a parent who's really struggling with a child, the idea. 196 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,840 Speaker 1: Of it, I love how you said, a parent who's 197 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,200 Speaker 1: really struggling with a chore. That's what it sounds like. 198 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,040 Speaker 1: You're about to say, sorry, chaut child almost the same, 199 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 1: not quite. 200 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 2: The concept of finding joy with that child feels burdensome. 201 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:45,000 Speaker 2: The reality is it really is about finding opportunities to 202 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 2: connect because joy will come with connection. But if we 203 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:54,000 Speaker 2: make joy the focus, we might feel like we're failing miserably. Yeah. 204 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 1: I think that if you chase the happiness, if you're 205 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,079 Speaker 1: really trying to make it happen, it doesn't tend to 206 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: happen that way. It feels here. 207 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:01,680 Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah. 208 00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 1: But if you can just find a way to enjoy 209 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,040 Speaker 1: time together or just be together, be together and do 210 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:10,800 Speaker 1: things there are things that they want to do, they're 211 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,559 Speaker 1: going to feel like they're the favorite because you're making 212 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,800 Speaker 1: time in your day to spend that time with them. 213 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,240 Speaker 1: So favoritism. It is a thing. It does have negative impacts. 214 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:22,240 Speaker 1: We can overcome it if it's happening in our lives, 215 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 1: especially if we've got daughters who are definitely winning the 216 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 1: favoritism game. If you'd like more information about this particular 217 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,120 Speaker 1: study will linked to it in the show notes. The 218 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,199 Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. 219 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 1: If you'd like a lot more info about how your 220 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 1: family can be happier, we've got all the resources you 221 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:49,040 Speaker 1: need at happy families dot com dot a