1 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,519 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:10,320 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just 3 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:13,040 Speaker 2: wants answers Now. 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,640 Speaker 3: Today on the Happy Families Podcast, we take a look 5 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 3: at two questions. One from Nita, who wants to know 6 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:20,880 Speaker 3: about a three and a half year old who is 7 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 3: beating up his little brother, and Emma and Brisbane trying 8 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:27,440 Speaker 3: to pick the right battles. Where do we stand our ground? 9 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 3: Where do we give the kids a little bit of space? 10 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,839 Speaker 3: How are we supposed to figure it out? Hello, my 11 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,680 Speaker 3: name is doctor Justin Colson. Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. 12 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:39,680 Speaker 3: Every Tuesday on the podcast, I answer your questions. If 13 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,120 Speaker 3: you'd like to leave us a message, all you have 14 00:00:42,159 --> 00:00:44,080 Speaker 3: to do is go to Happy families dot com dot 15 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:47,159 Speaker 3: you the super simple system. Just scroll down to the 16 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:52,040 Speaker 3: podcast area, press record, start talking. It's that simple. Questions 17 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 3: about parenting, questions about wellbeing, questions about relationships. Tuesdays the 18 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 3: day that we do it happy families dot com dot 19 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 3: Au and use the super simple system to let me 20 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 3: know your questions. Here we go with our first question 21 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:06,960 Speaker 3: number one from Nita. 22 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 1: Hi, Justin and Kylie. We have a three and a 23 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: half year old son who's always had really intense emotions 24 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,800 Speaker 1: since he was born. He's super loving, but he also 25 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:20,320 Speaker 1: loves rough play, and that sometimes leads to him accidentally 26 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: hurting his little brother, and that causes a lot of 27 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,320 Speaker 1: stress at home. We try to keep them apart if 28 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,560 Speaker 1: we can, but that's not realistic because they're in the 29 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:34,120 Speaker 1: same space. We talk to him about being gentle a lot, 30 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 1: but he just loves playing rough so he continues, how 31 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,160 Speaker 1: can we help him manage this? Are there any strategies 32 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:42,000 Speaker 1: that you recommend? 33 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,560 Speaker 3: Thanks a lot, Okay, Nita, let's talk about siblings hurting siblings, 34 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:50,080 Speaker 3: especially when they're little. Okay, so we've got limited cognitive development. 35 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 3: It's not like we can sit down and have a 36 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:56,160 Speaker 3: deep and meaningful conversation and get into perspective taking in things, 37 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,920 Speaker 3: at least not in any kind of profoundly deep and 38 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,400 Speaker 3: helpful way. Regulation is what we're talking about here, helping 39 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 3: our child to be gentle, which is really tricky because 40 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,040 Speaker 3: boys particularly love to use their bodies. Now, all kids 41 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,280 Speaker 3: love to be active, but boys seem to like to 42 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 3: bump into each other and push up against each other 43 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,239 Speaker 3: and ram into each other and I don't know, slap 44 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:21,919 Speaker 3: and kick and throw and punch and just that's kind 45 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 3: of what we see with boys. We also see that 46 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,959 Speaker 3: they are less regulated physically. Behaviorally, they're much more likely 47 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 3: than girls to move with a lot of energy and 48 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:35,360 Speaker 3: a lot of ambition and purpose and excitement relative to girls. 49 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,240 Speaker 3: And now, of course we're talking averages. There are some 50 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:41,920 Speaker 3: really sedate boys and there are some extremely active and 51 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,200 Speaker 3: physical girls, but on average, we see boys using their 52 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,760 Speaker 3: bodies a lot more, and this lack of regulation often 53 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,960 Speaker 3: comes across as problematic. We start to think there's something 54 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:52,280 Speaker 3: the matter with our boys, and then we feel like 55 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,160 Speaker 3: we need to fix them. So the first thing I 56 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,400 Speaker 3: want to emphasize is that your son doesn't need fixing. 57 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 3: He's probably doing exactly what he's been designed genetically to do. 58 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 3: But it is inconvenient. Just because it's common doesn't mean 59 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,239 Speaker 3: it's not challenging. Here a handful of ideas that I 60 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,799 Speaker 3: think can help, and I'm just going to run through 61 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,520 Speaker 3: them fairly quickly see which one's gel for you and 62 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,160 Speaker 3: which ones don't. Some will certainly resonate a lot more. 63 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 3: The first thing that I really want to emphasize is 64 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 3: just the importance of time to a child. Love is 65 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,800 Speaker 3: spelt time. We've got a little guy. He's got a 66 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:24,040 Speaker 3: new sibling, and while we might think that by now 67 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 3: he's used to it, that doesn't mean that he definitely is, 68 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,200 Speaker 3: and every now and again he probably just really really 69 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 3: loves to have good quality time with you. I think 70 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 3: this second thing to highlight here is that sometimes he's 71 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,760 Speaker 3: just going to struggle to regulate out of excitement, not 72 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 3: necessarily out of malice. He may become over involved in 73 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,120 Speaker 3: ways that you would prefer he not be involved with 74 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,360 Speaker 3: his new sibling, and that, of course, can cause some 75 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,920 Speaker 3: challenges and problems. So I'd be encouraging you to read 76 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,800 Speaker 3: and cook and clean and be involved and spend time 77 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:58,040 Speaker 3: and also play and wrestle and jump and run and 78 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 3: throw and do all those sorts of things. Keep him 79 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 3: outside as much as you can, keep him active as 80 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:06,200 Speaker 3: much as you can. I'd also be encouraging fun play, 81 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 3: which usually means a little bit of risk. So we're 82 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 3: talking about maybe doing things that involve going fast, maybe 83 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 3: riding a bike or a scooter, or monster play like 84 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,640 Speaker 3: scare and jump moments, sort of rah kind of things. 85 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,800 Speaker 3: Three year olds love this sort of stuff, anything that 86 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 3: involves a level of risk, a level of activity, being 87 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:29,039 Speaker 3: outside these kinds of things are going to help your son, 88 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:32,080 Speaker 3: you're three and a half year old, to understand how 89 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,599 Speaker 3: to find the edges, how to bump into where the 90 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:38,600 Speaker 3: edges are, and start to regulate more effectively. Every parent 91 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,280 Speaker 3: I talk to will absolutely confirm that when their kids 92 00:04:41,279 --> 00:04:44,320 Speaker 3: are outside, they're simply better behaved and they come home 93 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,480 Speaker 3: or they come inside and they're better regulated because they've 94 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,760 Speaker 3: got all their wiggles and their jiggles out while they 95 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,960 Speaker 3: are outside. A couple of other things that might be useful. 96 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 3: If your son hurts his sibling, go straight to the 97 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,279 Speaker 3: hurt sibling and focus there. Let your son know that 98 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,640 Speaker 3: you know he's sorry, but focus on the hurt sibling. 99 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,479 Speaker 3: Build the sibling bond wherever you can. It sounds like 100 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,479 Speaker 3: that's mostly okay based on your voicemail, but every now 101 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,120 Speaker 3: and again some parents will say, this is really not working. 102 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,440 Speaker 3: The kids don't seem to like each other. The big 103 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 3: brother or the big sisters being a bully. I don't 104 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,600 Speaker 3: think that's an issue here, but we really want to 105 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,479 Speaker 3: build that sibling bond where you can so have your 106 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:25,640 Speaker 3: your big boy helping out, whether it's running some chores 107 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 3: or doing some baby sitting or just anything that can 108 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,479 Speaker 3: build that relationship. And the last thing that I would 109 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:35,200 Speaker 3: say is regular gentle reminders. The gentle reminder is that 110 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,919 Speaker 3: you call out to your son and you say we're gentle, 111 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,840 Speaker 3: or we're soft, or we're kind or whatever. It is 112 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,840 Speaker 3: just a couple of words, just that gentle reminder consistently, 113 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,640 Speaker 3: like Chinese water torture, drip drip drip, Eventually the message 114 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 3: will get in. I mean, again, we're talking about a 115 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,039 Speaker 3: three and a half year old, so regulatory capacity cognitive 116 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 3: capacity both fairly limited, fairly restricted in the scheme of things. 117 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:01,799 Speaker 3: You're probably not going to completely stop it because siblings 118 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 3: will constantly hurt each other from day dot all the 119 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:07,320 Speaker 3: way through. I mean, this is part of having If 120 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,960 Speaker 3: you don't want the siblings to hurt each other, don't 121 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:13,480 Speaker 3: have siblings as kind of the pessimistic message that I 122 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 3: would share. But he will mostly grow out of it 123 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,120 Speaker 3: kind of. And these tips and ideas should be helpful 124 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 3: in helping you to get there. I think there's about 125 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,200 Speaker 3: six or seven there, so that's quite a lot to 126 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,120 Speaker 3: hang on to. You might want to even go back 127 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,479 Speaker 3: and listen to it again because I ran through a 128 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,920 Speaker 3: number of things fairly quickly ultimately, though, need is such 129 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 3: a fabulous age, so perfect, so so delightful, such a privilege. 130 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,720 Speaker 3: It's just one of the best times that you'll ever 131 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 3: have in your life. As exhausting and terrifying as it 132 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,120 Speaker 3: can sometimes be. Three and a half year old boy, 133 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 3: good luck. What a wonderful question. Up next Emma and 134 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:55,080 Speaker 3: Brisbane struggling to pick the right battles. Question number two 135 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 3: comes from Emma in Brisbane, Hi. 136 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,080 Speaker 2: Justin and Kylie. My name is Emma and uncle from Brisbane, 137 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:05,520 Speaker 2: with a query around picking your battles. I find this 138 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,240 Speaker 2: is such a great thing to do to stop turning 139 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 2: into a giant nag and becoming white noise. However, sometimes 140 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 2: picking battles means that I don't feel like I can 141 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 2: enforce some clear and consistent boundaries as well. As an example, 142 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 2: I feel like I'm constantly nagging my ten year old 143 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,640 Speaker 2: to use his cutlery at the table and to not 144 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 2: have his hands all over his eight year old brother. 145 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:37,440 Speaker 2: If I pick my battles and don't try to correct 146 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 2: that behavior, I don't feel like I'm enforcing the boundary 147 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 2: that we would like to set in place. Any tips 148 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,200 Speaker 2: would be gratefully appreciated. 149 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 3: Oh, Emma, this is the relentless, never ending challenge of pairing. 150 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 3: When do you step in? When do you step out? 151 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,280 Speaker 3: The parents who do pairing the very best seem to 152 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 3: have figured that one out. And I don't know that 153 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 3: there's a simple formula that I can give you here 154 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 3: other than that some stuff is low level at one 155 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 3: age and high level at another. So, for example, Cutler 156 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,280 Speaker 3: at four or five years of age is different to 157 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,200 Speaker 3: Cutler at fifteen years of age. Man Is at three 158 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 3: is different to man Is at six or twelve. So 159 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,560 Speaker 3: where do we go with this? What battles do we 160 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 3: take on? Or do we just constantly nag about everything? 161 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,840 Speaker 3: I want to start with something that I emphasize a 162 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 3: lot on this podcast, and that's the value in family meetings. 163 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 3: When we have family meetings in our family, we sit 164 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,839 Speaker 3: down on a Sunday, We usually have a snack, although 165 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,839 Speaker 3: not always, and we basically say, for the next ten 166 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,720 Speaker 3: or fifteen minutes, we're going to talk about three things. 167 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 3: Number one, what do we do well in our family? 168 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,200 Speaker 3: Let's talk about the successes. Number two, where are we 169 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,200 Speaker 3: falling short? Like, where have we not done so well 170 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,960 Speaker 3: this week? And number three, If we would look at 171 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 3: all of the things on both lists, which would we 172 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 3: like to do more of this week? Or shift and 173 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,800 Speaker 3: change and try to improve this week. And the reason 174 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,800 Speaker 3: that third question matters so much is because it gets 175 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,400 Speaker 3: everybody on the same page. It might be that you say, 176 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,560 Speaker 3: we're doing a few things wrong, but we've done a 177 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:07,160 Speaker 3: lot of things really really well this week, and I 178 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,560 Speaker 3: think we should keep on doing those things really really well. 179 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,800 Speaker 3: The alternative, of course, is that you can look at 180 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 3: the list where things aren't going so well and say, 181 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 3: we've got four or five things that we could definitely 182 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 3: improve on if we picked one and worked on it 183 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 3: this week, which one would we work on? And this 184 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,720 Speaker 3: is not a finger pointing exercise. It's not an opportunity 185 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,560 Speaker 3: to say, well, we've got this child who keeps on 186 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 3: doing this, and you need to work as a family. 187 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,840 Speaker 3: These are things that we want to work on. And 188 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,920 Speaker 3: I guess what I'm really emphasizing here is that when 189 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,040 Speaker 3: we get on the same page, when we're all swimming 190 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 3: in the same direction, we get much better results. And 191 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,280 Speaker 3: it might be that you don't get to discuss the 192 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 3: manner's issue or the cutlery isssu or the sibling fighting 193 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,600 Speaker 3: issue for I don't know, four or five or six weeks. 194 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:50,120 Speaker 3: But as you start to make gentle progress bit by bit, 195 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,360 Speaker 3: as you see yourself moving in the direction that your 196 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,959 Speaker 3: family functions better, all of a sudden, everyone gets more motivated. 197 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 3: Everyone likes the meeting because in five, ten, maybe fifteen, 198 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 3: and we've discussed where we're up to and what we're 199 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,559 Speaker 3: going to focus on, we've got direction and we can 200 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,640 Speaker 3: move in a healthy, positive way. So family meetings would 201 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 3: be one number one response for this. The other thing 202 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,960 Speaker 3: that you could do is you could just gently set 203 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,680 Speaker 3: aside some time to be with your child and say, hey, kiddo, 204 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 3: I've noticed something and i'd love to share it with you. 205 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 3: Do you mind. I'm really big on asking kids for 206 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,440 Speaker 3: consent when we're going to share some correction or direction. 207 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,600 Speaker 3: And the reason for that is because when we just 208 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,280 Speaker 3: barge in and start telling them what they're doing wrong, 209 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,040 Speaker 3: they tend to feel incompetent. They start to feel like 210 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,320 Speaker 3: we're on their case all the time we're nagging. There's 211 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,199 Speaker 3: lots of correction and direction, Whereas when we softly approach 212 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:37,800 Speaker 3: them and say I've noticed something and I wanted to 213 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 3: run it by you. They tend to be much more receptive. 214 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:46,280 Speaker 3: That consent around permission to share something that could improve 215 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,400 Speaker 3: their lives makes a difference, and it could be really 216 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,880 Speaker 3: rough when they say, actually, i'd really rather that you didn't. 217 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,240 Speaker 3: I had one of my kids say that to me 218 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,560 Speaker 3: recently and I was like, ah, but I really need 219 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,000 Speaker 3: to tell you this because it's driving me mad. But 220 00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,320 Speaker 3: it's a mean thing, not a them thing. Yes, this 221 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,520 Speaker 3: goes back to that developmental idea that I mentioned at 222 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:05,360 Speaker 3: the beginning of this conversation. Your child might be struggling 223 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 3: with something right now, but do they need to have 224 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 3: it completely under control now? Often we find that they'll 225 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,640 Speaker 3: figure it out as they get a bit older. There's 226 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 3: one more thing that I want to share with you, Emma, 227 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,319 Speaker 3: that I think might be useful, and this goes for everybody, 228 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 3: and that is that if you decide that a battle 229 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 3: is worth picking, and I think that as a parent, 230 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,240 Speaker 3: you've got the right to pick the battles that you 231 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,439 Speaker 3: think need to be picked, provide a really clear rationale. 232 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,880 Speaker 3: Simon Sinek says, you've got to start with why, and 233 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,080 Speaker 3: the reason is because it's so much more empowering, it's 234 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:38,760 Speaker 3: so much more need supportive. When your child understands why 235 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,840 Speaker 3: you would like them to use a knife and fork 236 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,720 Speaker 3: rather than their hands, they're more likely to say, oh, okay. 237 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,640 Speaker 3: In fact, what's even better than you starting with why 238 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:51,200 Speaker 3: and you providing the clear rationale is you're saying, I've 239 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 3: noticed that this is happening a lot lately. Can you 240 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,440 Speaker 3: think of any reasons why it might be bothering me? 241 00:11:56,559 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 3: Or can you think of any reasons why it might 242 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,360 Speaker 3: be worth trying to improve what we're doing here? And 243 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 3: stepping in with their opportunity to provide the rationale means 244 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:08,040 Speaker 3: that they're even more likely to internalize it because they're 245 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,880 Speaker 3: the ones that are figuring it out. Em there are 246 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,280 Speaker 3: many many more things that we could do, many more 247 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,480 Speaker 3: conversations we could have around picking your battles. I mean, 248 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,480 Speaker 3: there are some people who'll say you're the parent, and 249 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:18,800 Speaker 3: things should be the way you want them to be 250 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,440 Speaker 3: in the house. Just man up or pairent up or 251 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:23,160 Speaker 3: whatever it is that you want to I want to say, 252 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 3: I don't think that that approach is going to be useful. 253 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 3: The ideas that I've shared here should get you moving 254 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:31,679 Speaker 3: in the right direction. Some gentle reminders like I mentioned 255 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:36,320 Speaker 3: in the previous answer some family meetings and providing a 256 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,679 Speaker 3: really clear rationale and just remembering the developmental realities of 257 00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 3: what's going on. Thank you so much for your question, Emma. 258 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 3: If you would like to submit a question, all you 259 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 3: need to do is go to Happy families dot com 260 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,840 Speaker 3: dot au. We have a super simple system for you 261 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 3: to use. You literally just scroll down to the podcast 262 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:55,040 Speaker 3: a part of our homepage, press the record button and 263 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 3: start talking. We have a few more weeks to go, 264 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,319 Speaker 3: just over a month until we break for Chris, so 265 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,679 Speaker 3: if you'd like to get those questions in, especially questions 266 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:06,440 Speaker 3: with a Christmas ey sort of theme, jump onto Happy 267 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:09,880 Speaker 3: families dot com dot au. Let me know what's going 268 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,400 Speaker 3: on in your home, your relationships, your well being, your parenting, 269 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,319 Speaker 3: and I'll do my best to be as helpful as 270 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,440 Speaker 3: i can. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin 271 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,800 Speaker 3: Roland from Bridge Media. If you'd like more information about 272 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,319 Speaker 3: making your family happier, love for you to join us 273 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,640 Speaker 3: at happy families dot com dot au.