1 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,519 Speaker 1: It's their Happy Family's podcast. 2 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:10,320 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just 3 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:13,320 Speaker 2: wants answers Now. 4 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: When I was a child, my mom, my mom, she 5 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,040 Speaker 1: was very concerned about her daughters and their friendships, and 6 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,480 Speaker 1: she in feared a fair bit. There was quite a 7 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:24,919 Speaker 1: lot of friends with disapproval around my sisters and I 8 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,439 Speaker 1: have four of them, so I can say this reasonably 9 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,560 Speaker 1: safely and their friends and as a general rule, that 10 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:32,280 Speaker 1: interference tended to make things worse. There was one time 11 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:34,840 Speaker 1: with one of my sisters, she had a strong keen 12 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,320 Speaker 1: interest in a young man and my parents were so 13 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:39,720 Speaker 1: concerned about that keen interest that they shipped her off 14 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:44,559 Speaker 1: to some family friends in Queensland to try to avert 15 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,120 Speaker 1: any disasters that might happen if that relationship was allowed 16 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: to flourish. And guess what, Kylie, it made it worse. Hello, 17 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:55,680 Speaker 1: my name is doctor Justin Coslam. Here with my wife 18 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,560 Speaker 1: from UM to our six kids, missus happy families, Kylie. 19 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:04,120 Speaker 1: And today the conversation is we interfere with our children's friendships, Kylie. 20 00:01:04,319 --> 00:01:07,120 Speaker 1: Have you ever been tempted? Have you ever interfered? Have 21 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,600 Speaker 1: you sat the kids down and said we've got a 22 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,160 Speaker 1: problem here, and it's your friends, and it's the way 23 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: that you're acting after you've been with certain friends. 24 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:19,800 Speaker 2: You're hilarious. We have six girls, We've had plenty of opportunities. 25 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,920 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness, I know, and it's 26 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:23,280 Speaker 1: so hard. 27 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,800 Speaker 2: Relationships are tricky, and especially when they're young and immature 28 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,840 Speaker 2: and navigating this, and let's be real, it's still tricky 29 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:30,440 Speaker 2: as adults. 30 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,920 Speaker 1: Did you ever have this happen when you were a kid, Like, 31 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,320 Speaker 1: did your parents ever sit you down and say, don't 32 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,600 Speaker 1: like your friends, you need to change friendship groups. 33 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,840 Speaker 2: I don't actually remember a single conversation like that. I 34 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 2: do remember once in my youth being friends with a 35 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 2: girl who was a little bit rebellious and she was 36 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 2: struggling to kind of work herself out, and plenty of 37 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:54,120 Speaker 2: my other friend's parents had all spoken to my mum 38 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 2: about this girl and told her that they didn't think 39 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,240 Speaker 2: that my parents should be encouraging our friendship. And my 40 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,280 Speaker 2: mum did something really good. I think she literally told 41 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:07,800 Speaker 2: these parents that she trusted me to make good choices 42 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 2: and that she hoped that my light, my goodness, would 43 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 2: rub off on this girl. And so my friendship with 44 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:16,720 Speaker 2: her continued until I got to a point where I went, 45 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:19,239 Speaker 2: you know what, I'm not ready for this. This isn't 46 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 2: the kind of friendship I want. 47 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 1: I think one of the central challenges that we face 48 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,200 Speaker 1: here as well, Kylie, is that when we do interfere 49 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:29,520 Speaker 1: with our children and their friendship groups or their friendships generally, well, 50 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,680 Speaker 1: friendship groups are just tricky. There are several reasons for that. 51 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,919 Speaker 1: One of those is, have you ever tried to change 52 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,160 Speaker 1: a friendship group? Like watching your kids try to go 53 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,280 Speaker 1: from group A to group B can be an exercise 54 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:44,080 Speaker 1: in I almost want to use the word trauma. It 55 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 1: can be so so hard. 56 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,600 Speaker 2: Well, I think that across the board people see it 57 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 2: as an act of disloyalty. 58 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, what a great word for it. 59 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,560 Speaker 2: You've been loyal to this group and all of a 60 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 2: sudden you're changing, and so the new group's looking at you, going, well, 61 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,560 Speaker 2: if things don't go well here, what are you going 62 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,240 Speaker 2: to do? You're just going to ditch us? And they 63 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 2: don't want to put in the time and energy into 64 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 2: a person who seems wishy washy. 65 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 1: And their commitments, and the group that you're leaving feel 66 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 1: completely rejected, like what are we not good enough? You 67 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,880 Speaker 1: too bad for us. And I guess the other thing 68 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,400 Speaker 1: that I would add is that when you do interfere 69 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 1: with your friendship groups, how does it make your child 70 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 1: feel when you start to say, don't like who you 71 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 1: are when you hang out with that kid. Your children 72 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,079 Speaker 1: don't really hear the friendship issue. They really just here, 73 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:30,200 Speaker 1: don't like who you are. You're behaving differently, and that 74 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 1: increases that sense of shame, it increases anxiety. And so 75 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 1: in your research that I want to talk about in 76 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:41,040 Speaker 1: today's podcast highlights that it gets worse when you interfere 77 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:46,360 Speaker 1: with your children's friendships. It can actually reduce the number 78 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: of classmates who enjoy your child's company and increase the 79 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,800 Speaker 1: number who say they dislike them. So there's a brand 80 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: new study that's just been published in the Journal of 81 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,600 Speaker 1: Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Is by a couple of Lithuanian researchers. 82 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,440 Speaker 1: I can't announce their name, so I'm not going to 83 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:04,400 Speaker 1: try to do it, but it's really really interesting. Five 84 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:08,120 Speaker 1: hundred and sixty two students across six primary schools a 85 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:13,480 Speaker 1: surveyed across a twelvemonth period, and essentially the research looks 86 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:17,760 Speaker 1: at how much parents are interfering with friendships, and how 87 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:22,520 Speaker 1: much those kids are engaging in behaviors that are well 88 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:26,840 Speaker 1: anti social or rebellious or challenging, smoking, drinking, skipping school, lying, 89 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,680 Speaker 1: and cheating. We are talking about grades six kids here, 90 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,000 Speaker 1: so some of these are pretty high level challenging behaviors 91 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:37,159 Speaker 1: for children at that age. But what's really fascinating is 92 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,080 Speaker 1: that when mums attempted to shepherd children away from relationships 93 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 1: that they thought were bad for their child, they inadvertently 94 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:48,400 Speaker 1: created a problem where they worse than the behavioral issues. 95 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,839 Speaker 1: The kids feel worse about themselves, they end up being 96 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:55,360 Speaker 1: rejected by classmates, and then they behave in even more 97 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,040 Speaker 1: challenging ways. 98 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,800 Speaker 2: Again, does the article give us any hope? 99 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, So, if your children are like, how do you 100 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: interfere effectively? Is that what you're saying? How do I intervene? 101 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,320 Speaker 1: How do I make sure that my children are going 102 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:08,680 Speaker 1: to be okay if I don't like who they're hanging 103 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:11,920 Speaker 1: out with. It's a really tricky one. I thought this 104 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 1: quote from the lead research I can't actually pronounce his name. 105 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,840 Speaker 1: His name was Brett Lawson. He says this, and it's 106 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: really interesting. Youth may report restrictions and their reasons to 107 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:25,680 Speaker 1: their friends. In other words, if you express disapproval to 108 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,119 Speaker 1: your child about a friendship that they're in, your child's 109 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,480 Speaker 1: probably going to go and blab that to their friends. 110 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:34,160 Speaker 2: Well, of course, because then it gives them an excuse 111 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:37,479 Speaker 2: or a reason behind why they can't hang out with 112 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,320 Speaker 2: that group after school, or why they're not allowed to 113 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:42,240 Speaker 2: go to the birthday party or whatever. It makes mum 114 00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:45,919 Speaker 2: and dad the bad person, and hopefully in their minds, 115 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 2: will keep the attachment and the loyalty of the friendship. 116 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,200 Speaker 1: Even at a basic level, though, they just don't have 117 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:53,719 Speaker 1: the skills to know what to say and what not 118 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,480 Speaker 1: to say. So if they're trying to leave a group 119 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,400 Speaker 1: and they say, who know good enough for you, and 120 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:00,800 Speaker 1: the child says, Mum just says that I'm not a 121 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,080 Speaker 1: very nice person to hang around you. It doesn't like 122 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,200 Speaker 1: the child can't win in this situation. If they try 123 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: to communicate it, they've got no chance. Lawson also, ads 124 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:13,360 Speaker 1: or mothers may express their disapproval directly to friends. Mum 125 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 1: shows up at the school bag all the kids are 126 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,440 Speaker 1: playing in the street or whatever in the park, are 127 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,159 Speaker 1: in the yard, and Mom says, no, don't like, don't 128 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,680 Speaker 1: like the way this friendship's going. Not happy with what's 129 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: going on here, and either way the kids are they've 130 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,240 Speaker 1: got no chance here. They can't come back from that. 131 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:31,479 Speaker 1: Lawson says. Neither are likely to be welcomed by recipients. 132 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,039 Speaker 1: Friends may respond by spreading contempt or ridicule throughout the 133 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: peer group. Social opportunities are likely to wither as peers 134 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 1: avoid affiliating with someone who is depicted as uncool. 135 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,760 Speaker 2: So here's the challenge. And I have watched this time 136 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:56,440 Speaker 2: and time again over the course of six children and 137 00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:01,600 Speaker 2: friendships in general, when there is challenge within a relationship, 138 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 2: it is two ways, right, there is a reciprocal relationship. 139 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, and anyone who can't admit that has some significant 140 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:10,679 Speaker 1: blind spots. 141 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:15,040 Speaker 2: Okay, but most of the time parents feel that their 142 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 2: child is being victimized. I'm not talking about bullying, and 143 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:18,840 Speaker 2: I need to make that really clear. 144 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 1: Sure, yes, yes, yeah. 145 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:26,240 Speaker 2: But in normal, everyday communication and relationship there is challenge regularly, 146 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 2: and it is a two way street. 147 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:29,960 Speaker 1: Because relationships are tricky. 148 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,560 Speaker 2: They are tricky and they're hard. But as parents, we 149 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 2: hurt when our children hurt, and therefore we see them 150 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:41,960 Speaker 2: as the victim and not part of the challenge, and 151 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,960 Speaker 2: it makes it really really hard for our children to 152 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,559 Speaker 2: learn and grow if we're constantly stepping in and telling 153 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,960 Speaker 2: them that they're not in the wrong at all, and 154 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,320 Speaker 2: the other person is the big bully. 155 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 1: I really like that. There's one other thing that I 156 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,120 Speaker 1: would add, and that is that when we do step in, 157 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 1: even if we can be impartial and clear eye and 158 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,840 Speaker 1: objective about it, if we make comments that are disparaging 159 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 1: about a relationship, about a friendship, it makes the people 160 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,960 Speaker 1: in that relationship feel lousy about themselves, and it turns 161 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,160 Speaker 1: them against us and maybe our child as well. 162 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:18,040 Speaker 2: It also, in turn gives our children permission to focus 163 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 2: on the negative behaviors, the negative traits in others. We 164 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 2: ourselves have similar negative traits and behaviors, we all do, 165 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 2: but we allow our children to see others for the 166 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,000 Speaker 2: challenge as opposed to the goodness that they possess. 167 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,720 Speaker 1: All right, So let's talk about what we're supposed to do, 168 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 1: because every now and again there are relationships that our 169 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,679 Speaker 1: children have where we feel like we really do need 170 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,839 Speaker 1: to interfere. So how do we do my friends with 171 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 1: that kid a little bit earlier? I love what you 172 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 1: said before about your mum's example here, she just trusted 173 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,480 Speaker 1: in your innate goodness. She trusted that you were able 174 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,520 Speaker 1: to figure this out for yourself. And it's really hard 175 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,280 Speaker 1: for me to say this, and I know it's really 176 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,839 Speaker 1: hard for every helicopter parent on the planet to hear it. 177 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,120 Speaker 2: I don't even think you have to be a helicopter parent. 178 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,320 Speaker 2: I think this is hard. Relationships are hard watching it. 179 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: Parent who wants to interfere. I mean, we want to 180 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,200 Speaker 1: get in there and make sure that our kids are 181 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 1: okay and make sure that they're not behaving in challenging ways, 182 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,000 Speaker 1: make sure they're not doing the wrong thing. As a 183 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: general rule. As a general rule, so long as there's 184 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,840 Speaker 1: no bullying going on, and so long as your child 185 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:29,040 Speaker 1: is not at real proper risk of real proper harm, 186 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 1: then I would say leave it alone. Just we've got 187 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,200 Speaker 1: to stay out of it. It's worked pretty well for 188 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: us as a general rule with our kids. In fact, 189 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,520 Speaker 1: you know what's really really interesting to me, there have 190 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:43,959 Speaker 1: been a few friendships that our children have had where 191 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 1: I've wanted to interfere. I've wanted to say, you know what, 192 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 1: I don't think that kid's quite the right one for you. 193 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,920 Speaker 1: To be friends with. Can't you find another friend? We've 194 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:58,080 Speaker 1: stayed out of those relationships. We've let our children figure 195 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,160 Speaker 1: it out, and over time, some of those friendships have 196 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:05,520 Speaker 1: become the most enduring and positive relationships that our children 197 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 1: have had. And in other instances, our children have naturally 198 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,760 Speaker 1: grown apart from that friend as time has gone on 199 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 1: and things haven't felt quite right. There's real wisdom in 200 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:19,319 Speaker 1: just staying out of it, not helicoptering, and giving them space. 201 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,080 Speaker 2: Last week and I'll do better tomorrow, I shared the 202 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,680 Speaker 2: experience of sitting down with Emily and talking about some 203 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,320 Speaker 2: of the qualities that make a good friend. Yes, And 204 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:32,400 Speaker 2: through that conversation we talked about what she could do things, 205 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,599 Speaker 2: what areas could she focus on to be a better friend? Relationships? 206 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,600 Speaker 2: Are these really really tricky part of our lives where 207 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:44,760 Speaker 2: there is so much richness and opportunity for learning and growth, 208 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,960 Speaker 2: And as parents, when we step in, we actually often 209 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 2: hinder our children's ability to grow. 210 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,440 Speaker 1: But that conversation you had with her, and I don't 211 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,079 Speaker 1: know if you've still got the paperwork here in our 212 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:58,480 Speaker 1: little podcast study, you don't have it, Okay, Those six 213 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 1: things that she came up with to be a better friend. 214 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,840 Speaker 1: They were facilitated through a conversation not about a specific friendship, 215 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 1: but about friendship generally, and they were profound. I mean, 216 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:12,120 Speaker 1: this little ten year old's brain and hard just absolutely gorgeous. 217 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 1: What she came up with, it was tremendous. So if 218 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,280 Speaker 1: you're concerned about friendships, maybe having that sort of a discussion, 219 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:19,680 Speaker 1: and if you'd like to go more in depth, just 220 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,120 Speaker 1: go back to last Friday hour. I'll do better tomorrow 221 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:26,840 Speaker 1: because that's where the real gold was there. There are 222 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,960 Speaker 1: two other things that I want to highlight here. The 223 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 1: first one is that if you do interfere, first of all, 224 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:35,240 Speaker 1: this research highlights that it can be quite negative. One 225 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:39,040 Speaker 1: of my colleagues at the University of Rochester, Professor Chris Niemik, 226 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 1: did a study about ten years ago looking at the 227 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:45,560 Speaker 1: forbidden fruit of forbidden friendships and pretty much found the 228 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,800 Speaker 1: same thing that when parents interfere, the kids are drawn 229 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 1: more to their friends, they start to resist their parents. 230 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,800 Speaker 2: I was about to say, you actually become the bad guy, 231 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,240 Speaker 2: not the friend. The friend that you're trying to protect 232 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 2: your child from becomes the forbidden fruit, and you become 233 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,040 Speaker 2: a person who is untrustworthy. 234 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 1: They start to shift away from us as parents at 235 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,880 Speaker 1: the very time that we feel like they need is 236 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,720 Speaker 1: the most. And this study here again, let me just emphasize, 237 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 1: as parents demonstrate reduced per acceptance and start to interfere, 238 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:20,600 Speaker 1: their children become less popular at school over the subsequent 239 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:25,720 Speaker 1: twelve months and they have more conduct issues. In other words, 240 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:30,200 Speaker 1: it doesn't work. It's a bad idea. Explore explain in 241 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:35,439 Speaker 1: power talk about friendships more generally, but nothing specific. And 242 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,360 Speaker 1: I think overall, the take home message from today's conversation 243 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:42,400 Speaker 1: is when you don't like your children's friends, trust your kids, 244 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:46,480 Speaker 1: don't hover, give them space. They'll work it out over time, 245 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,360 Speaker 1: and so long as they're safe, it will be okay. 246 00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,360 Speaker 1: We will link to that study in the show notes 247 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 1: as well as Chris nemix Forbidden Fruit Forbidden Friendship study, 248 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:56,960 Speaker 1: so that you can have a quick look if you're 249 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 1: inclined to look at the academic side of things. They 250 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,960 Speaker 1: Happy for podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, 251 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 1: And if you'd like more information about our awesome, incredible 252 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 1: parenting autism course, we have an early bird special on 253 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 1: the course right now. You can find all the information 254 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 1: at Happyfamilies dot com dot au or on our social 255 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,360 Speaker 1: media platforms at Instagram and Facebook.