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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. I'm doctor Justin Coulson.

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Speaker 1: So excited to answer your questions or you need to

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Speaker 1: do to submit your question about how to make your

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Speaker 1: family happier is go to happy families dot com dot A.

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Speaker 1: You scroll down to where it says podcasts, push the

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Speaker 1: record button, start talking. Literally that simple. Submit your questions

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Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au stay with us.

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Speaker 1: Only one question today comes from an anonymous listener who

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Speaker 1: says our teenager has a very different outlook on life

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Speaker 1: to me. She gets good grades, has great friends, and

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Speaker 1: is involved in sport and music. She's happy to coast

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Speaker 1: through her life, though she doesn't aim high as I did,

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Speaker 1: but rather is happy with good enough in all aspects

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Speaker 1: of her life. She says she just wants to be

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Speaker 1: happy and get an okay job. Her words, Should I

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Speaker 1: be thankful that she has a balanced outlook on life

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Speaker 1: or be pushing her to achieve more as she's so

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Speaker 1: academically capable. Part two of the question a chores a

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Speaker 1: chance to tune out or should that be present during chores?

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Speaker 1: My husband often wears EarPods when he's doing chores, even

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Speaker 1: in our kitchen, cooking or tidying up. It bugs me.

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Speaker 1: The rest of our family are in the same space,

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Speaker 1: often trying to connect in a casual way. But he

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Speaker 1: says he's doing enough by helping at home and should

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Speaker 1: be able to listen to whatever he wants while he's

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Speaker 1: in the kitchen, maybe your podcast. Sometimes he gets very

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Speaker 1: cranky when I politely ask him to remove them when

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Speaker 1: he's inside with us. Any advice, Okay, love both of

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Speaker 1: these questions. Let's start with the cruizy teen who's happy,

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Speaker 1: go lucky and just doesn't seem to want to put

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Speaker 1: the effort in. I have a couple of ideas around

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Speaker 1: here that might be useful. What I'm hearing when I

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Speaker 1: listen to this question is a parent who has climbed

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Speaker 1: I don't know, forty maybe fifty runs on the ladder

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Speaker 1: of life. If each rung represents a year of your life,

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Speaker 1: you're climbing up and up and up, and obviously the

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Speaker 1: higher you go, the better your perspective. You can see more.

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Speaker 1: You can see past the forest, you can see through

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Speaker 1: the woods, you can see around corners and through the shadows.

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Speaker 1: You know what's coming. And as a parent who loves

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Speaker 1: your children very much, you're invested in them making the

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Speaker 1: best decisions possible to find their way through this journey

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Speaker 1: of life in the most effective, efficient and successful way possible.

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Speaker 1: That makes sense. Of course, force creates resistance, and anyone

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Speaker 1: who's ever raised a teen or being a team knows

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Speaker 1: that most teens don't love parents being on their case

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Speaker 1: and telling them what to do. So you've got the

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Speaker 1: situation where you want the very best for your child,

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Speaker 1: your child wants the very best for themselves, but they

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Speaker 1: think that they know better, and you're now trying to

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Speaker 1: tell them that in spite of their limited view and

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Speaker 1: your wonderful view, and you're trying to talk to them.

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Speaker 1: The difficulty is they don't know how good the view

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Speaker 1: is from where you are. They can only see the

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Speaker 1: view from where they are, and it's never been better

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Speaker 1: than it is right now for them. They see you

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Speaker 1: as old, out of touch, at least a generation older

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Speaker 1: than them. In fact, most of them think that we

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Speaker 1: were born well over a generation before them. Despite the

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Speaker 1: math's not working out, and so there's this conflict, this

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Speaker 1: tension that makes it really hard. Where do you go

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Speaker 1: with this? Well, I think the most important thing to remember,

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Speaker 1: given that force creates resistance is that the harder you

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Speaker 1: work to take away your autonomy, the more you work

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Speaker 1: to convince them, the more they'll push back. Like I said,

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Speaker 1: force creates resistance. There's an old couple that said one

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Speaker 1: convinced against their will is of the same opinion. Still,

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Speaker 1: you can have every conversation under the sun, you can

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Speaker 1: talk to your blue in the face, But until your

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Speaker 1: daughter buys into it and starts to have that perspective

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Speaker 1: taking moment, it's not going to happen. Everything that your

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Speaker 1: child does make sense to them, even if it doesn't

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Speaker 1: make sense to you. And that perspective taking is very,

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Speaker 1: very challenging. Getting them to take yours is even harder.

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Speaker 1: As a dad of a couple of twenty somethings now

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Speaker 1: three twenty somethings, now, I can tell you how refreshing

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Speaker 1: and how delightful it is when they say to you,

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Speaker 1: I really appreciate what you are trying to tell me

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Speaker 1: six or seven or eight years ago. I get it now,

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Speaker 1: I can see it. But when they're going through their

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Speaker 1: adolescent years, they just can't see it, and it's infuriating. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So here's where we go with this. Conversations need to

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Speaker 1: be consensual. That is, Hey, I've been thinking about this thing.

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Speaker 1: Would you be open to having a milkshake with me

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Speaker 1: and chatting with me about it a bit. This is

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Speaker 1: not an explorer explain in power conversation as much as

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Speaker 1: it's two people trying to wrestle around with some tricky things.

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Speaker 1: And I find that a useful framing can be upside downside.

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Speaker 1: In other words, let's say you've got two opposing views.

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Speaker 1: You say to your child, Okay, your view is this,

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Speaker 1: you want to cruise through life. You've got this nice

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Speaker 1: balanced out look you find having a I don't know,

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Speaker 1: a minimum wage job and just doing enough. I get it.

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Speaker 1: It's really appealing, especially especially when you're a teenager looking

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Speaker 1: at things and looking at all the stress that school

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Speaker 1: can create. What's the upside here? And so get them

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Speaker 1: to explore the upside with you. They'll talk about how

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Speaker 1: nice it feels to be relaxed, and how everything's probably

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Speaker 1: going to work out. And they come from a good family,

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Speaker 1: like the upside is really apparent to them, and then

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Speaker 1: you can talk to them about the downside. That's the

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Speaker 1: next question. What's the downside to you making these choices?

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Speaker 1: If they're willing to be honest with you. They will

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Speaker 1: acknowledge that there are several pitfalls to this approach. Nevertheless,

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Speaker 1: there are also I mean, the upside's real and this

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Speaker 1: is the great challenge, right. I mean, I was a

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Speaker 1: high school failure. I scored on the bottom fifteen percent

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Speaker 1: of New South Wales in my HSC. And it wasn't

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Speaker 1: until I was twenty seven years of age, married with

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Speaker 1: a mortgage, a couple of kids that I went back

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Speaker 1: to school and literally turned my life around. So if

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Speaker 1: they do want a cruise, there is still the potential

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Speaker 1: that that can change later in life. It's just that

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Speaker 1: the numbers are against them. The probability is lower and

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Speaker 1: lower the older they get. Nevertheless, there's an upside downside

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Speaker 1: conversation looking at their choices. Then you can spin around

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Speaker 1: and say, well, let's have a look at it from

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Speaker 1: my perspective, what's the upside to working really hard at

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Speaker 1: school and perhaps having a little bit more get up

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Speaker 1: and go, and then what's the downside. Once you've had

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Speaker 1: that conversation, hopefully your child will walk away and start

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Speaker 1: to contemplate the discussion. I guarantee you they're not going

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Speaker 1: to look at you and say well, this has changed everything.

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Speaker 1: I'm so motivated, inspired, I'm ready to go right now.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for doing that. That won't happen.

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Speaker 1: What does happen, though, is kids go away and they

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Speaker 1: think about stuff, and little by little attitudes can shift,

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Speaker 1: not all the time, but sometimes. And I think this

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Speaker 1: is probably going to be your best bet. Ultimately, who

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Speaker 1: we are as models is going to be more predictive

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Speaker 1: of who our children become than anything else. It takes

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Speaker 1: a real concerted effort on the part of our children

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Speaker 1: to buck the trend or buck the conditioning and the

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Speaker 1: socialization that we've given them. Some do, but if we

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Speaker 1: can maintain those good relationships and support our kids, they'll

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Speaker 1: usually be fine. I think there's one more thing I'd add,

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Speaker 1: and that is just to find that thing your child

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Speaker 1: might not be particularly motivated because for many children, and

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Speaker 1: I say this with no disrespect to people working in education,

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Speaker 1: but for many kids school really does sad. They just

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Speaker 1: they hate it and they don't see an academic element

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Speaker 1: to their futures. I had a student at a school

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Speaker 1: in Brisbane just last week when I was giving a

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Speaker 1: talk about year eleven, year twelve and what to expect

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Speaker 1: and how to do well and what options they have.

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Speaker 1: I had a student put up his hand and said,

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Speaker 1: he said, I just don't understand why I have to

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Speaker 1: do the maths that I have to do, given that

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Speaker 1: I'm never going to do maths again once i leave

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Speaker 1: high school, certainly not this kind of maths. What's the point?

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Speaker 1: And this is a legitimate question that a lot of

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Speaker 1: kids are asking. This doesn't seem relevant at all. And

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Speaker 1: that's why I think there's real value in finding the

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Speaker 1: thing that lights them up and finding the thing that

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Speaker 1: they can really orient themselves towards and move forward in

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Speaker 1: that direction. Because then, well, if that maths is necessary

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Speaker 1: to get there because they want to go to UNI,

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Speaker 1: more power to them. They're going to get in there

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Speaker 1: and do it. And if it's not because they have

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Speaker 1: different plans, then they can have that a more relaxed approach.

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Speaker 1: They can have an alternative approach because they've found the

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Speaker 1: thing that really does it. For now, let's step into

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Speaker 1: part two about a husband in the kitchen using his

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Speaker 1: EarPods rather than participating in the family discussion. This one

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Speaker 1: really frustrates me. I totally get where you're coming from

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Speaker 1: this one. It's one of those situations where it's totally

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Speaker 1: understandable that you'd feel bugged by your husband's epod habit.

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Speaker 1: When you feel disconnected from your husband or partner and

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Speaker 1: you're sharing the same space, it's frustrating, and it makes

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Speaker 1: sense that you would crave those casual moments of connection

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Speaker 1: because that's what we all do, That's how most of

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Speaker 1: us are wired. Now here's what I want to recommend.

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Speaker 1: It's important to understand his perspective. It doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: you're necessarily going to accept it, but it's important to

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Speaker 1: understand where he's coming from. When I hear your perspective,

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Speaker 1: his response seems dismissive. However, it's possible that your husband

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Speaker 1: is using his EarPods as a way to create a

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Speaker 1: sense of personal space and decompress while still making a

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Speaker 1: contribution to what needs to happen at home. Now, you

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Speaker 1: and I both agree that he's got his priorities around

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Speaker 1: the wrong way. It's actually about involvement. It's not about

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Speaker 1: helping that is, it's about being together and having that

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Speaker 1: casual connection more than it's about getting the dishes dried

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Speaker 1: and put away. A lot of people, though, find listening

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Speaker 1: to musical podcasts really soothing and it can help them

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Speaker 1: focus on mundane chores. I think, though, that it's important

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Speaker 1: that he understands that his choice is impacting your ability

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Speaker 1: and the ability of the kids to connect with him.

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Speaker 1: And that's ultimately what this is about. The task is

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Speaker 1: the vehicle to connection. It's not the purpose of the ride.

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Speaker 1: The whole idea is that we're spending time together. Every

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Speaker 1: night in our family, we have all in and that

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Speaker 1: means everyone comes into the kitchen and they help with

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Speaker 1: the dishes and the clearing of the table, and the

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Speaker 1: sweeping or the vacuum or the mopping of the floor.

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Speaker 1: We're all in there together for ten, fifteen, twenty minutes

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Speaker 1: getting the job done. And it's about togetherness. It's not

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Speaker 1: actually about the task though. It's about the conversations. It's

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Speaker 1: about the laughter. It's about the continued discussion from the

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Speaker 1: kitchen table. So what do you do about it? I

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Speaker 1: think there's a couple of things. Number one, what's his

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Speaker 1: expectation of the kids. They allowed to have their headphones

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Speaker 1: in as well. Is he fine with that or is

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Speaker 1: that not okay? Because consistency is important more than anything, though,

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Speaker 1: I think that we've got to communicate really clearly and

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Speaker 1: really collaboratively. What does that mean. It means probably four things,

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Speaker 1: maybe five things. Number One, you've got to choose the

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Speaker 1: right time. It's not the right time to have the

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Speaker 1: conversation while he's in the middle of cooking or cleaning

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Speaker 1: and the EarPods are in. You don't rip about and

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Speaker 1: say we need to talk about this. I've had enough.

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Speaker 1: Really need to find a neutral time when you can

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Speaker 1: both talk calmly and openly. And while I don't talk

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Speaker 1: about this sort of stuff much on the podcast and

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Speaker 1: I'm not a huge fan of the quote unquote eye statements,

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Speaker 1: sometimes they're really helpful. Expressing your feelings using eye statements

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Speaker 1: gets messages across. You might say, I feel disconnected when

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Speaker 1: you wear your ear pods while we're in the kitchen together.

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Speaker 1: I miss our casual chats. I miss the chance to

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Speaker 1: connect with you. You're not blaming him. You're not telling

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Speaker 1: him there's anything wrong with him. You're saying I feel this,

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Speaker 1: I missed that, I want this, And what I'm really

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Speaker 1: be working towards is focusing on the positive. If you

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Speaker 1: frame your request in terms of what you'd like to

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Speaker 1: gain rather than what he's doing, wrong, it's going to

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Speaker 1: go down much better. An example would be, I'd love

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Speaker 1: it if we could have earpod free time in the

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Speaker 1: evenings while we're making dinner, while we're tiding up, because

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Speaker 1: it means so much to me when we have that

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Speaker 1: time to connect, and the kids love it as well.

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Speaker 1: So we're really focusing on the benefit to having the

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Speaker 1: ear pods out rather than you're dismissing us. You're ignoring us,

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Speaker 1: you're abrogating your responsibilities as a father and a husband.

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Speaker 1: And I think there's also value in considering what a

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Speaker 1: compromis or negotiation might look like. Maybe he promises to

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Speaker 1: just wear one earpod instead of two, or he agrees

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Speaker 1: that he'll go earpod free at some times but not others.

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Speaker 1: I don't know where you'll fall on that, and certainly

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Speaker 1: I'd struggle with some compromises around this, but maybe some

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Speaker 1: of those will work for you ultimately. Ultimately, I think

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Speaker 1: that if he continues to dismiss your feelings, if he

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Speaker 1: refuses to talk with you, if there's no willingness at

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Speaker 1: all to compromise, if there's an unwillingness to connect, I

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Speaker 1: think that there's boundaries that can be set. You might say,

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Speaker 1: I get it. I know that you need personal time.

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Speaker 1: We all do. It makes sense you using the EarPods

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Speaker 1: in the kitchen is a barrier to the relationship and

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Speaker 1: that's not acceptable to me. And so therefore you might say,

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Speaker 1: I'd rather be in the kitchen with the kids without

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Speaker 1: you there, so that we can have time together without

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Speaker 1: feeling like we're on eggshells around you because you've got

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Speaker 1: the earphones in. Or you might say you're going to

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Speaker 1: have to plan up the kitchen on your own because

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Speaker 1: we're missing under that connection time and you can go

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Speaker 1: and do something else with the kids. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I mean, this is where it starts to get messy,

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Speaker 1: and I want to tread very carefully, but sometimes cynically

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Speaker 1: a boundariesn't just saying I'm an adult here and I

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Speaker 1: have feelings too, might be where you go. I really

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Speaker 1: think that those other ideas are going to be more

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Speaker 1: helpful though, choosing the right time to communicate using some

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Speaker 1: carefully phrased eye statements, really focusing on the positive of

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Speaker 1: having those EarPods out and trying to compromise if it's necessary.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes sometimes this type of behavior can be a symptom

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Speaker 1: of a larger issue. Your husband may be consistently withdrawing,

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Speaker 1: consistently being disengaged, and if he is, it's probably going

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Speaker 1: to be helpful to explore those underlying dynamics. This is

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Speaker 1: where you go and have couples counseling. It can be

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Speaker 1: a valuable resource for navigating the challenges and strengthening your

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Speaker 1: connection over communication, though, mutual respect and a willingness to

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Speaker 1: compromise are probably going to be the best solutions to

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Speaker 1: resolve in this type of conflict. By expressing your needs

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Speaker 1: really clearly and respectfully, you will be able to create

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Speaker 1: a more connected and fulfilling relationship. Good luck, hope it works.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for the question. If you would

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Speaker 1: like to submit a question every Tuesday, I'll do my

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Speaker 1: best to answer them for you. Happy families dot com

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Speaker 1: dot A. You go to the super simple system on

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Speaker 1: the homepage where it says podcasts. Just click the record

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Speaker 1: button start talking. That's all you got to do. The

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Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.

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Speaker 1: If you'd like more information about making your family happier,

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Speaker 1: love it would just love it if you join us

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Speaker 1: on our social media pages at happy families dot com

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Speaker 1: dot au,