1 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:07,480 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,440 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:14,080 Speaker 2: Now, when we get curious, not furious, we move towards 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,959 Speaker 2: the issue that's causing us the consternation, but we do 5 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:18,319 Speaker 2: so in a graceful way. 6 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:21,960 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum 7 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: and dad. 8 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:26,079 Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six books. 9 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,120 Speaker 2: Nearly forgot how many there were about raising happy families. 10 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 2: I'm here with my wife and co host, missus Happy Families. Kylie, 11 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,479 Speaker 2: mum to our six daughters. 12 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 3: You're sounding a bit flood today. 13 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,520 Speaker 2: Mahamah No, I'm not trying to sound flat. I'm actually 14 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,879 Speaker 2: doing okay, although I have got a little bit of 15 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:46,160 Speaker 2: a This is the Happy Families Podcast. It's for people 16 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:49,720 Speaker 2: to feel good about life. But you know, something has 17 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 2: gotten in my crawl over the last little bit. You know, 18 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 2: we've got about one hundred and seventy thousand people who 19 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,000 Speaker 2: follow us on Facebook. That's a very big community to 20 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 2: keep tabs on, and normally we've got to really support 21 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,960 Speaker 2: of really positive community. But just recently there's been a 22 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 2: couple of social media moments that have really been challenging 23 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 2: for me, and it's kind of a bit of a 24 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 2: tough one because like, if you follow somebody, it's because 25 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,039 Speaker 2: you like them, right, But every now and again I'll 26 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 2: post something and somebody won't like what I've posted, and 27 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 2: all of a sudden it turns into this, I'm unfollowing 28 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 2: and I've got to delete you and cancel culture. You know, 29 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,800 Speaker 2: we're canceling. We're canceling you, We're canceling your Facebook page. 30 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,920 Speaker 2: That kind of mentality. I don't really quite know how 31 00:01:27,959 --> 00:01:30,880 Speaker 2: to articulate exactly what I want to say. But I 32 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 2: had a post go up not too long ago, and 33 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,560 Speaker 2: it was related to something that I teach really explicitly. 34 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 2: It's based on decades of social and evolutionary psychology research, 35 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 2: but it's actually based on millennia of what it is 36 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 2: to be human. And what I posted was this really 37 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:51,920 Speaker 2: simple phrase, high emotions, low intelligence. That is, when we 38 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 2: get into situations where we or our children get really 39 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,760 Speaker 2: really emotional, what happens is our intelligence goes out the window. 40 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 2: We behave less intelligently, less rationally, less well considered, and 41 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 2: usually less favorably when our emotions are really high. That 42 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,760 Speaker 2: makes sense, right, And there's loads of neuroscience, there's brain 43 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,600 Speaker 2: scan imagery, there's all kinds of things that will emphasize this. 44 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 2: In fact, I'm not going to show if I'm going 45 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,720 Speaker 2: to keep it really simple, but basically, there's parts of 46 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 2: the brain that look after planning and thinking, and we 47 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 2: call that mainly in our prefrontal cortex. That's the bit 48 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 2: above your eyes, behind your forehead. That's where our brain's 49 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 2: executive is. Now, there are other parts of the brain 50 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,799 Speaker 2: that are involved in this thinking as well. But when 51 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,359 Speaker 2: something happens and we want to kind of map out 52 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 2: what's the best way forward here, that's the part of 53 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 2: the brain that we use the most. 54 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,240 Speaker 4: And then in the middle of our brains. 55 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,840 Speaker 2: Like if you drilled right between your ears all the 56 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,160 Speaker 2: way through just above that drill line, right in the 57 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 2: center of your brain, there's this thing called the limbic system, 58 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:50,240 Speaker 2: and it has a whole lot of brain neur anatomy 59 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:54,360 Speaker 2: like the amygdalo you've probably heard of having an override. 60 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,520 Speaker 2: That's the fear the anger responds that whoa you know, 61 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,360 Speaker 2: alarm warning, Will Robinson, It's all about to happen, the 62 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:04,280 Speaker 2: fight or flight mode, and what happens in brain scans 63 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:09,000 Speaker 2: is when we get people into something of an emotional state, 64 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,840 Speaker 2: the blood flows away from the thinking parts of the 65 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 2: brain and towards the emotional parts of the brain. I 66 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,959 Speaker 2: know you've been so angry with me. Sometimes the angrier 67 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,040 Speaker 2: you are, the more right you are. Right, Yeah, and 68 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:21,639 Speaker 2: you be. 69 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 3: You feel more justified to feel the way you do. 70 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,680 Speaker 2: And you'll tell me things when you're angry that seem 71 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:31,679 Speaker 2: right to you in the moment, But when you've calmed down, 72 00:03:32,639 --> 00:03:35,800 Speaker 2: they don't seem quite so right anymore, because your intelligence 73 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,960 Speaker 2: returns and you start to think a little bit more broadly. 74 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 2: You start to think a bit more Laterally, you start 75 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,640 Speaker 2: to remember stuff that you couldn't remember in the heat 76 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,680 Speaker 2: of the moment. I'm saying you, but of course I'm 77 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,840 Speaker 2: as guilty as anyone. It happens to all of us. 78 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 2: It's part of being a human. So I've posted this thing, 79 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 2: high emotions, low intelligence, and there was just. 80 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,840 Speaker 4: This huge disagreement. But it got very personal. 81 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 2: It's almost like everybody who read it that disagreed with 82 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 2: it for whatever reason. 83 00:03:58,080 --> 00:03:58,600 Speaker 4: I don't know. 84 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,240 Speaker 2: I mean, I do you know that some people interpret 85 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 2: it incorrectly. Some people thought that I was saying that 86 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,000 Speaker 2: if you're an emotional person, you can't be an intelligent person, 87 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,480 Speaker 2: which is not the intent. And there was a link 88 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 2: to a blog and it explained exactly why it said 89 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 2: what it said. But what I'm finding is that when 90 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:18,600 Speaker 2: people come up against something that conflicts with their worldview, 91 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,160 Speaker 2: instead of doing that thing that I always talk about, 92 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,040 Speaker 2: get curious, not furious, they do exactly the opposite. They 93 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,600 Speaker 2: get furious, they blow up, and any disagreement becomes an 94 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,760 Speaker 2: opportunity to cancel someone or to dive into your own 95 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,840 Speaker 2: echo chamber and recruit as many people as you can 96 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,520 Speaker 2: to your side so that you can prove that you're 97 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 2: right and the others are wrong. And in a world 98 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:42,440 Speaker 2: that says that it's all about being pluralistic and tolerating, 99 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:47,800 Speaker 2: in fact encouraging diversity and being open minded inclusive, social 100 00:04:47,839 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 2: media may be the least inclusive, least tolerant place that 101 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 2: we could be on the planet. Unless you align with 102 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 2: a particular view at a particular time, for a particular 103 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,680 Speaker 2: reas and for a particular person. Drives me crazy. I 104 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,280 Speaker 2: just love to be open minded and to be curious 105 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,680 Speaker 2: about things. And I'm having a moment. I've been having 106 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,159 Speaker 2: a moment for a bit over this. 107 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,840 Speaker 3: I had an experience probably maybe fifteen years ago, and 108 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 3: it has literally changed the way I see social media. 109 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 2: There was Bentley social media, then I think Facebook came 110 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:22,719 Speaker 2: out about fifteen years ago. 111 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, I wasn't on there very long, and I didn't 112 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:25,960 Speaker 3: post for very. 113 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:26,640 Speaker 4: Long earlier adopter. 114 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,760 Speaker 3: Because what happened was one of my friends put a 115 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,160 Speaker 3: post up she was having an absolute meltdown because she 116 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,000 Speaker 3: couldn't get her kids to do homework. So she's a 117 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 3: really good friend of mine and she knew exactly how 118 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 3: we felt, what our philosophy was about homework, and so 119 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:44,120 Speaker 3: because I wanted to be brief in my response, I 120 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,800 Speaker 3: just said to her, let go of homework. You know 121 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 3: what the teachers can't get done today, they'll do tomorrow. 122 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, and we're going to do a podcast on homework 123 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,480 Speaker 2: soon because it's such a hot button issue. But social 124 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,640 Speaker 2: media might blow up when we do that as well. Anyway, 125 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 2: So what happened with you? 126 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 3: Sorry, Within seconds, one of her friends, who I don't know, 127 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,680 Speaker 3: got on and absolutely went to town at me. 128 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 2: And it's so personal, isn't it? And it's almost like 129 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,720 Speaker 2: any social graces. In fact, that's a really interesting word 130 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,599 Speaker 2: to use. There is no grace afforded to somebody when 131 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,159 Speaker 2: they step outside of what somebody else perceives. 132 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:17,720 Speaker 4: They should say. 133 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 2: There's no grace, there's no forgiveness, there's no you know, 134 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,560 Speaker 2: justin we've seen your post a million posts that have 135 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:25,520 Speaker 2: helped our family, and we don't agree with you on 136 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 2: this one, but we're going to stick with you. This 137 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,880 Speaker 2: is like, we don't care about your last million posts. 138 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,599 Speaker 2: You've lost us right now. Just it does my head in. 139 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:35,279 Speaker 3: Yeah, No matter what I said to this woman, it 140 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 3: actually just got worse, and that other people joined in, 141 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,360 Speaker 3: and all of a sudden, I was in this position 142 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:45,320 Speaker 3: where I was being judged for literally too little. 143 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,680 Speaker 4: Line, a couple of sentences, yeah, without. 144 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:51,039 Speaker 3: Any context whatsoever, and I had to ring my friend 145 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 3: and apologize profuse. I felt terrible that this had now 146 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,400 Speaker 3: implicated her. She then explained to me that the person 147 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 3: who was responding to me was a teacher who feels 148 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:02,720 Speaker 3: hard done in the state system and feels, you know, 149 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,440 Speaker 3: kind of very poorly supported by parents and the education. 150 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,880 Speaker 2: Department, and is defensive and probably wants to be heard 151 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 2: and have a voice. And I get that there's two 152 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,160 Speaker 2: sides to all of this what I'm really astounded by. 153 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:15,800 Speaker 2: I actually want to ask you a couple of questions 154 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,480 Speaker 2: about that and see how much it resonates and corresponds 155 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 2: with my experience. But what I'm finding is that people 156 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,760 Speaker 2: have to be right. There's just this degree of certainty, 157 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:31,920 Speaker 2: this absolutism that I find I'm really uncomfortable with. Like 158 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,560 Speaker 2: I know, I get paid to share what the research says, 159 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,880 Speaker 2: and people really appreciate the books and the things that 160 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 2: we share in this podcast, but I'm not really certain 161 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,560 Speaker 2: about much of it. That's the reality, And as a scientist, 162 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:47,280 Speaker 2: I've been trained to not be certain about things. In fact, 163 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 2: as research scientists, we're trained to be skeptical of everything 164 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,840 Speaker 2: and to seek as much evidence as we can. And 165 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,720 Speaker 2: that's why I'll usually catch. What I'm saying is you know, 166 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,200 Speaker 2: on average what we see or it really depends, but 167 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,680 Speaker 2: what we might expect in usual circumstances because you just 168 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:11,400 Speaker 2: never know. But people want absoluteism, unquestioned clarity, and definite 169 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:15,720 Speaker 2: responses like homework's good or homework's bad. Well, no, it 170 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,680 Speaker 2: depends what kind of homework, it depends how old the 171 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,559 Speaker 2: child is. We'll talk about that. Like I said later, 172 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 2: and it sounds like that's your experience. Now I've got 173 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,240 Speaker 2: a question for you. When this was happening. Were you 174 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:27,040 Speaker 2: able to walk away from the argument? Were you able 175 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,760 Speaker 2: to put your phone down and just leave it be? 176 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:29,280 Speaker 4: No? 177 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,960 Speaker 3: I felt physically ill. It was like someone had physically 178 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:33,840 Speaker 3: assaulted me. 179 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:34,679 Speaker 4: Yeah. 180 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:39,520 Speaker 3: It was all encompassing. It took up all of my headspace. 181 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,280 Speaker 4: And probably all of your afternoon or evening or whatever 182 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 4: it was. 183 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 1: Yeah. 184 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,640 Speaker 3: I was a mess. I couldn't function properly because all 185 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:48,040 Speaker 3: of a sudden, everything I knew about myself was being questioned. 186 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 3: I was being attacked. I was being attacked just for 187 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 3: having an opinion. 188 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, which is kind of my point. Now. 189 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,080 Speaker 4: I could not get away from the phone. 190 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,600 Speaker 2: I was having a bad day, and I saw all 191 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 2: of these men mesages coming through, And there were literally 192 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 2: hundreds of messages coming through. Some were very, very supportive, 193 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:08,840 Speaker 2: some were exactly the opposite. Some were vitriolic, really really 194 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 2: really nasty. And I just sat there and thought, I'm 195 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,720 Speaker 2: actually here trying to help. Like my job, my life 196 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,440 Speaker 2: is built around inspiring and helping and making a difference 197 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,720 Speaker 2: in people's lives. And what I've shared does make sense 198 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,199 Speaker 2: and it's got strong empirical support. It's not like I've 199 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,160 Speaker 2: just pulled this idea out of the air and chucked 200 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,920 Speaker 2: it on the internet like several other people do. 201 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,040 Speaker 4: I mean that they're everywhere. 202 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:36,280 Speaker 2: This is a really clear scientific reality and human reality. 203 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:42,080 Speaker 2: And yet that statement that high emotions leads to low intelligence. 204 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,160 Speaker 2: It seemed to actually bear itself out in the comments 205 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,200 Speaker 2: section as people got. 206 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,199 Speaker 4: More and more emotional. 207 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,840 Speaker 2: But I found myself becoming more emotional, and I started 208 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,839 Speaker 2: thinking to myself, I want to reply to them and 209 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,080 Speaker 2: tell them exactly how I feel, which would have been 210 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,760 Speaker 2: a very unintelligent thing to do. And it took a 211 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,000 Speaker 2: lot of restraint for me to not do that. And 212 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,959 Speaker 2: I'm not that kind of guy. But that got me thinking, 213 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,960 Speaker 2: if that's what happens to you, you know, a mature 214 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,040 Speaker 2: woman getting used to social media a decade or more ago, 215 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,320 Speaker 2: me a guy with a PhD in psychology who literally 216 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,400 Speaker 2: teaches people how to not get caught up in this 217 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 2: stuff and to deal with it much more effectively. 218 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,839 Speaker 4: What must it be like for a. 219 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:23,080 Speaker 2: Fourteen year old girl or boy, or an eleven year old, 220 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,520 Speaker 2: you know, for a child who is encountering this, perhaps 221 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,320 Speaker 2: for the first time in their lives. Now that they've 222 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,560 Speaker 2: finally been allowed to get that Facebook account or that 223 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 2: Instagram account or the snapchat l TikTok account, what must 224 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,520 Speaker 2: it be like for them to have to encounter this 225 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,960 Speaker 2: kind of challenge, this kind of adversity and pressure. And 226 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 2: I want to talk about what we can do as 227 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:46,559 Speaker 2: parents in that circumstance and tie it back to this 228 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:49,880 Speaker 2: issue that we've both faced right after the break. 229 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,319 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 230 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:56,840 Speaker 5: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home Tweens, Teens and Screens 231 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:01,480 Speaker 5: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions. 232 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,600 Speaker 5: Bye today at happyfamilies dot com, dot au slash shop. 233 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 3: The kids are back at school, after school activities are 234 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 3: starting and we are once again organizing how to get 235 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 3: our kids to and from it all. So has the 236 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,760 Speaker 3: old should I or shouldn't I give them a mobile 237 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 3: phone debate be down in your head? 238 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:18,400 Speaker 4: Well? 239 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,680 Speaker 2: Space Talk offers the perfect solution with their newly released Adventurer, 240 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,880 Speaker 2: a four G smartphone watch designed especially for five to 241 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 2: twelve year olds. The new Adventurer watch features phone calls, SMS, messaging, 242 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 2: and GPS location updates, giving parents and kids a safe, 243 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,520 Speaker 2: age appropriate way to stay connected. 244 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,920 Speaker 3: Our ten year old has one, and we love that 245 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 3: she has it, and she loves having one. 246 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,040 Speaker 2: You can check out space talk watch dot com to 247 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 2: find out how you can give yourself and your child 248 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,280 Speaker 2: the peace of mind that you're never far away. 249 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,960 Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time 250 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we 251 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,960 Speaker 3: have been talking about what we can do and how 252 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:04,160 Speaker 3: we can work through challenges when social media just blows 253 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:04,880 Speaker 3: up in our face. 254 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,280 Speaker 4: Yeah, when it goes put or capow or whatever. 255 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 2: And we've both had that experience and it happened to 256 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,400 Speaker 2: me fairly recently, and I'm actually really tender about it. 257 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,720 Speaker 2: I don't know if it's because I was just having 258 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,960 Speaker 2: a really rough day anyway. I mean, I don't have 259 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,200 Speaker 2: too many bad days. I think that I live one 260 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,640 Speaker 2: of the most wonderful I love my life, I love 261 00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 2: my family. I feel like we've got a great life. 262 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,800 Speaker 2: But this just man is just threw me so far 263 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 2: and so hard. 264 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:29,440 Speaker 3: Well, let's face it, it's not the first time it's happened. 265 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,840 Speaker 3: There have been lots of times where people have disagreed. 266 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm good with disagreement. I love disagreement, not 267 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,760 Speaker 2: because I don't like conflict and unkindness, but I love 268 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,200 Speaker 2: disagreement because it can often lead to learning with the 269 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,439 Speaker 2: right mindset. 270 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 3: I wonder if what we're experiencing more is just the 271 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 3: fact that, you know, when somebody opens up a post, 272 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,080 Speaker 3: you've got an explanation, right, But they're looking at the 273 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 3: image and the image has four words. 274 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, high emotions equals low intelligence, that's the four words. 275 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 3: And instead of reading what's going on, they see this 276 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,960 Speaker 3: image and it's like walking in halfway through a conversation, 277 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,840 Speaker 3: or just overhearing a snippet of a conversation, and so 278 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,319 Speaker 3: it's completely taken out of context, and as a result, 279 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,600 Speaker 3: our response is completely out of content. 280 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,240 Speaker 2: So this is the podcast for the time, poor parent, 281 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,320 Speaker 2: Who's just one's answers now, So let's talk about answers 282 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 2: for a sec That situation that you've described is a 283 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,600 Speaker 2: great description of what's probably going on. But one of 284 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:27,200 Speaker 2: the things that I teach explicitly and ongoingly is get curious, 285 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 2: not furious. Now, I admit I didn't actually get too 286 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,480 Speaker 2: curious either. I was pretty defensive. I was pretty tender. 287 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 2: It had been at alosy day, I've emphasized that sufficiently, 288 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,079 Speaker 2: but nobody else was curious. There was no hint of 289 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 2: that statement. Strikes me as inconsistent with what I believed 290 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,240 Speaker 2: or you seem to feel really strongly about that. Can 291 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,640 Speaker 2: you help me to understand more when our children are 292 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:49,440 Speaker 2: having a hard time? 293 00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:51,600 Speaker 4: That's exactly what I encourage parents to do. 294 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,880 Speaker 2: The other day, we had a child who refused to 295 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 2: go to swimming lessons, and my response to her was, Emily, 296 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,720 Speaker 2: can you help me to understand what it is about 297 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:02,199 Speaker 2: swimming lessons that you don't want? She calmed down straight 298 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,840 Speaker 2: away and she said, sure, Dad, I don't like my teacher. 299 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 2: I said, ah, so if we can work out the 300 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,800 Speaker 2: teacher problem, do you think that you'll be okay with 301 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,080 Speaker 2: swimming lessons? She said yep, and that was kind of it, 302 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 2: and I said, okay, well we'll do that today. 303 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 4: You're still going to have to go to swimming and 304 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:16,520 Speaker 4: then she blew up again. 305 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:21,520 Speaker 2: But when we get curious, not furious, we move towards 306 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,520 Speaker 2: the issue that's causing us the consternation, but we do 307 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,320 Speaker 2: so in a in a graceful way. We do so 308 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,720 Speaker 2: in a way that says, justin I've been following on 309 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 2: social media for a while, and I know that if 310 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,600 Speaker 2: you say something provocative, then there's probably something behind it 311 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,400 Speaker 2: that I'm missing. Right now, maybe I can just read 312 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 2: your article or ask you a couple of questions and 313 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:39,160 Speaker 2: I can understand it better. 314 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 4: What did you mean when you said that? Now, I'm 315 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 4: never going to. 316 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,320 Speaker 2: Respond with frustration to a response like that, and our 317 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,600 Speaker 2: children don't don't want to. 318 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,080 Speaker 4: That's a different setup. 319 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm I'm just thinking about it in the real world, 320 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 3: you know, tangible, real world. 321 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,640 Speaker 4: Are you saying that I'm not real world? 322 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:56,400 Speaker 1: No? 323 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,200 Speaker 3: No, no, I'm taking it outside of you know, technology and 324 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 3: social media in the real world. Is there actually any 325 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:08,320 Speaker 3: one person that you associate with where you just absolutely 326 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 3: agree with everything they do and say, no, it doesn't exist. 327 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, And if we were sitting down opposite one another 328 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 2: at a table, we'd work it out. 329 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:16,840 Speaker 1: Well. 330 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 3: But you and I, I mean, we love each other, 331 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,520 Speaker 3: we live with each other, we do everything together, and 332 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:24,280 Speaker 3: yet we have really different views on some things, and 333 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:28,280 Speaker 3: that is normal and healthy. And yet when we get 334 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 3: onto social media, we kind of expect that everybody's going 335 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 3: to be exactly like us for some reason, and if 336 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,880 Speaker 3: somebody has a strong opinion, we all kind of jump 337 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 3: on the bandwagon. It was like. 338 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:42,040 Speaker 4: We had a lot of following going on, yeah for ourselves. 339 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,160 Speaker 3: And we just kind of get caught up in the 340 00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:43,920 Speaker 3: emotion of it. 341 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:45,840 Speaker 4: The pylon begins. 342 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,760 Speaker 2: That actually kind of leads into the second take home 343 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:51,320 Speaker 2: message that I want parents to get from this, whether 344 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 2: they're getting caught up in it in any kind of 345 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,160 Speaker 2: interaction themselves, or whether the kids are caught up in 346 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 2: any kind of dramas and challenges, and that is that 347 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:04,120 Speaker 2: I don't think that when we're on screens, our hearts 348 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:08,080 Speaker 2: turn towards one another in the same way that they 349 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,760 Speaker 2: do when we're face to face. When I'm sitting down 350 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,120 Speaker 2: with somebody who is an adversary, somebody that I disagree with, 351 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,680 Speaker 2: and we're face to face, we're at a table, or 352 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,600 Speaker 2: we're sharing a walk through a park as we try 353 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,600 Speaker 2: to iron out our differences, what can normally happen is 354 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,040 Speaker 2: we start to see one another as people, and our 355 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:29,240 Speaker 2: hearts are designed to be open to the other person, 356 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,720 Speaker 2: to listen to perspectives and try to understand. We give 357 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,680 Speaker 2: people the benefit of the doubt. 358 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,320 Speaker 3: You know, it's interesting when you were saying that I 359 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 3: remember a number of times with our children over the 360 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,120 Speaker 3: years where they've had, you know, falling outs with their 361 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,280 Speaker 3: friends and they've tried to make phone calls and the 362 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,200 Speaker 3: phone has been ignored, or they've sent a sex message 363 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,840 Speaker 3: and it's gone nowhere, and so either your I have 364 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 3: actually put them in the car and taken them to 365 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,840 Speaker 3: their friend's house and it knocked on the door as 366 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 3: soon as they've seen each other. Has been an absolute 367 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:06,399 Speaker 3: emotional outpouring as they have just realized that this is 368 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,359 Speaker 3: all silly and they just want to be friends and 369 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:13,040 Speaker 3: what happened at school in the playground today is really 370 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,119 Speaker 3: not important. But it would never have happened if they 371 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,399 Speaker 3: were not face to face, it would have continued. 372 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,080 Speaker 2: So I think that they're my two key take home messages. 373 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,960 Speaker 2: Number one, get curious, not furious. You don't need to 374 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,359 Speaker 2: attack people, and please don't attack me. There's a bit 375 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:30,399 Speaker 2: of self interest here, but really get curious, not furious. 376 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,280 Speaker 2: And the second thing, imagine if we could turn our 377 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,040 Speaker 2: hearts towards the other person, give them better for the doubt, 378 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:39,960 Speaker 2: and think to yourself, hang on, I've clicked like and 379 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,160 Speaker 2: follow on this person's social media profile therefore they're adding 380 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 2: some value to my life. What's to be gained by 381 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:50,280 Speaker 2: attacking them? What's to be gained by being belligerent or 382 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,919 Speaker 2: rude to them? Maybe we can humanize the person that 383 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,360 Speaker 2: we're about to go to war with and wonder if 384 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,680 Speaker 2: perhaps war is not the best answer, much more likely 385 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,960 Speaker 2: to help people come to our way of thinking if 386 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,560 Speaker 2: we treat them like a human rather than as our foe, 387 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 2: the person we need to defeat. There's one more thing 388 00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:12,120 Speaker 2: that I think we really need to touch on, though, 389 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,600 Speaker 2: For every parent of a child who has access to 390 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,600 Speaker 2: social media, I just can't imagine what it must be 391 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,080 Speaker 2: like for a child. I couldn't stop it as a 392 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,640 Speaker 2: PhD in psychology. You couldn't stop it as a mature 393 00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:27,400 Speaker 2: mum going through this kind of challenging thing. And I've 394 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,720 Speaker 2: heard the horror stories. I've spoken to so many parents 395 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,960 Speaker 2: who are heartbroken because their children have wound up in 396 00:18:34,359 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 2: flaming firestorms of tweets and accusations or arguments over text 397 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,800 Speaker 2: message or in group chats on Instagram or whatever it 398 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:48,879 Speaker 2: might be watching this happen, and their kids just can't 399 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:50,879 Speaker 2: get away from it in the same way that I 400 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,840 Speaker 2: couldn't get away from it when this was all blowing 401 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 2: up for me. It's a very sensitive topic, but I'm 402 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:02,760 Speaker 2: aware of one fourteen year old who suicided, and at 403 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:08,240 Speaker 2: least in part, this was because of the terror of 404 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:14,280 Speaker 2: being left alone with the bullies who just wouldn't leave 405 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,879 Speaker 2: her alone. I think as parents, we've got to be 406 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,679 Speaker 2: able to have the wisdom, because we're not in the 407 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,639 Speaker 2: moment the wisdom to say to our children, this is 408 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,440 Speaker 2: awful right now. We just need to take a few 409 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,520 Speaker 2: screenshots of the horrible things that are going on, and 410 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,960 Speaker 2: then we need to get out of the conversation, turn 411 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,320 Speaker 2: the phone off, and just have a day and a 412 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:38,240 Speaker 2: night with no devices. Because once you convinced me to 413 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:40,280 Speaker 2: put my phone down, and it took me a while, 414 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,680 Speaker 2: I knew that you were right by the way you said, 415 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,280 Speaker 2: put it down, stop it, come on, give me the phone, 416 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,879 Speaker 2: and eventually I handed it over. It took a long time, 417 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,359 Speaker 2: but once I did it, I almost immediately began to 418 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:54,879 Speaker 2: feel more peaceful, and then I was able to connect 419 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,919 Speaker 2: with you, and we were able to talk about what 420 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,640 Speaker 2: was going on and then talk about something completely irrelevant 421 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 2: so that we could kind of let it go. And 422 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 2: it made all the difference. If you're a parent who's 423 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,320 Speaker 2: going through it, don't let your child become a horror story. 424 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,640 Speaker 2: I know how sensitive I became in the moment. If 425 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,639 Speaker 2: I was a fourteen, thirteen, twelve year old girl or boy, 426 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,520 Speaker 2: I suspect that it could have been devastating, maybe even catastrophic. 427 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,000 Speaker 3: So I guess to just summarize, We've talked about a 428 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,000 Speaker 3: lot of things today, and there's been you know, this 429 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,200 Speaker 3: has been a really sensitive topic for you. The three 430 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:30,080 Speaker 3: take homes for today are one, get curious, not furious. 431 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:34,720 Speaker 3: Number two, turn our hearts towards one another. 432 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,320 Speaker 4: Yeah, give people the benefit of the doubt. I'd be charitable, 433 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,320 Speaker 4: it's okay to be kind. 434 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:42,200 Speaker 3: And number three, if your children or you are caught 435 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,040 Speaker 3: up in this, just get away from the screen. 436 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:49,359 Speaker 2: Great summary if you've enjoyed the podcast, a bit of 437 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:52,000 Speaker 2: a different one from what we normally do, but hopefully 438 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,480 Speaker 2: this has been helpful and I don't know, maybe it 439 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:55,879 Speaker 2: even gives you a bit of an insight into some 440 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,440 Speaker 2: of the stuff that we. 441 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,960 Speaker 4: Deal with on an occasional basis as well. 442 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,480 Speaker 2: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we encourage you to share 443 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,040 Speaker 2: it with your friends. Jump onto Apple podcasts, leave us 444 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,440 Speaker 2: a rating and review. We love the five star ratings 445 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 2: and reviews and it makes me feel especially good after 446 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,760 Speaker 2: an episode like this or a day like this. So please, 447 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,239 Speaker 2: not that I'm after sympathy votes or anything, but we 448 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,200 Speaker 2: love your five star ratings and reviews. They help people 449 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,720 Speaker 2: to find the podcast and boost it in the rankings 450 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,000 Speaker 2: so that more people can make their families happier. We 451 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,399 Speaker 2: appreciate Justin rule On from Bridge Media for making the 452 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,200 Speaker 2: podcast sound great. 453 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:26,879 Speaker 4: He's our producer. 454 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 2: Our executive producer is Craig Bruce, and if you'd like 455 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,280 Speaker 2: more info about how to make your family happier, please 456 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:34,600 Speaker 2: visit happyfamilies dot com dot au