WEBVTT - The Ask Uncut Aftermath 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:05.280 Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout 0:00:05.320 --> 0:00:09.080 Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:11.920 pay our respect to their elders past and present and 0:00:12.039 --> 0:00:15.360 extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander 0:00:15.360 --> 0:00:16.120 peoples today. 0:00:16.320 --> 0:00:19.599 This episode is recorded on Gadigal Land of the Aurora Nation. 0:00:39.120 --> 0:00:42.520 Hi guys, Anna, welcome back to another episode of Life 0:00:42.640 --> 0:00:48.000 Uncut and it is a very very very special little episode. 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:50.920 Why is that, Brittany, Have you introduced yourself? Yea, Nah. 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:54.600 People know I'm Laura, I'm not Holidays. 0:00:54.680 --> 0:00:57.200 Maybe after my life they know what I'm Brittany. Now 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:01.160 this is our This isn't ask Uncut after math. This 0:01:01.280 --> 0:01:03.760 is a very special edition. We are in the middle 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:06.680 of our mid year break. We're both in Bali, but 0:01:06.720 --> 0:01:09.240 we're not together. But right now we're not in Bali, 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:10.360 We're in Bali in spirit. 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:13.440 We have recorded this before we went on break purely 0:01:13.520 --> 0:01:17.200 because we want to break well, I mean we wanted one, 0:01:17.240 --> 0:01:19.759 but also we love dropping little bonus episodes for you guys, 0:01:19.800 --> 0:01:21.200 and we didn't want to leave you hanging for an 0:01:21.360 --> 0:01:25.000 entire month, so we thought we would punctuate the silence 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:26.759 with an ask gun cut after math. 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:29.520 So, if you are new to the podcast, welcome. This 0:01:29.560 --> 0:01:32.280 is a random episode to start on, but we welcome you. 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:33.000 None the left. 0:01:33.360 --> 0:01:36.000 Never start on an episode that says bonus, unless that's 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:38.360 an accidentally unfiltered bonus and you're just here for the lols. 0:01:38.360 --> 0:01:40.920 That's probably a good one. No, But asking cut you guys. 0:01:40.720 --> 0:01:44.479 Every single week for three over three years now, which 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:47.600 is absolutely insane to us. You're right in your questions, 0:01:47.600 --> 0:01:52.000 your deepest, darkest, burning, sexiest, sometimes not so sexy questions, 0:01:52.000 --> 0:01:55.240 and Laura and I have an absolute field day trying 0:01:55.280 --> 0:01:58.040 to answer them and give you our best advice. Now, 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:02.320 we're very spirited, we're very experienced with a lot of 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:04.440 these things. We're not professional, we don't have a degree 0:02:04.440 --> 0:02:05.280 in it, but oh we have. 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:08.120 We have never pretended like we are professionals in this, 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:11.080 nor have we ever pretended that our advice is necessarily 0:02:11.120 --> 0:02:13.440 the advice that you should take. But it's the advice 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:16.440 that we would give our best friends, or our sisters. 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:16.839 Or each other. 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:19.120 It may not actually be the things that we would do, 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:20.639 but it's the advice that we give Jack. 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.519 We should have been putting disclaimers on Pilus three years. Disclaimer, 0:02:23.760 --> 0:02:26.040 This may or may not work if we cannot be 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:26.840 held accountable. 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.880 Yeah, also please go and see a recommended professional as well. 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:32.320 But the whole purpose of this is that for so 0:02:32.400 --> 0:02:34.120 many of us, and you guys write into us and 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:36.600 tell us the same thing. Like we answer these questions, 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:39.800 we hear fifty percent of the story, and then all 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:42.079 of us are left thinking, well, you ghost us. 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:42.880 What happened? 0:02:42.960 --> 0:02:45.400 Yeah, we're ghosted. We don't get the follow up, We don't. 0:02:45.200 --> 0:02:47.680 Get the answer, And that is what this episode is. 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:50.200 And Laura and I do always say to each other 0:02:50.200 --> 0:02:52.440 sometimes we put bets on with each other and it's 0:02:52.480 --> 0:02:54.079 not a bet because we never know the answer. But 0:02:54.120 --> 0:02:56.040 sometimes we're like, what do you reckon to happen to 0:02:56.080 --> 0:02:57.960 that person? Or what are you gonna happen in that situation? 0:02:58.040 --> 0:03:00.200 Do reckon? They told us directly asked it and they 0:03:00.200 --> 0:03:03.320 broke up. We always wonder and you guys writing two 0:03:03.400 --> 0:03:05.360 saying you know, we want to know what the answers 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:09.280 are to these. So if we have ever answered one 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:13.160 of your ask gun Cuts, please send the answer into 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:16.200 Instagram to Life on Cut podcast. Please write to us 0:03:16.240 --> 0:03:17.960 tell us what your question was and then tell us 0:03:17.960 --> 0:03:20.480 the outcome. Just just put a title at the top, 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:23.120 ask gun Cut Aftermath or ask gun Cut follow Up, 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:25.960 because we want to be doing more of these bonus episodes, 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:28.200 because you guys want the answers as much as we do, 0:03:28.280 --> 0:03:29.799 so please send them in well. 0:03:29.840 --> 0:03:32.120 Getting into today's episode, I'm going to read it. I 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:33.640 think the best way for us to attack this is 0:03:33.639 --> 0:03:35.120 how we did it the last time we did this. 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:37.400 We're going to read out the original question and then 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:40.000 hopefully if you guys, if you're a die hard Life 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:41.760 on Cut fans, you will know and you may have 0:03:41.760 --> 0:03:43.720 heard the question in the past. But if not and 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:45.760 you don't know the question, it's there, and then I'll 0:03:45.760 --> 0:03:47.440 also give you the answer. 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:49.040 I'm going to go first. 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:51.800 My boyfriend of five years came home today and told 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:53.960 me that he has fallen out of love with me. 0:03:54.360 --> 0:03:56.080 I knew our sex life was a bit rocky, but 0:03:56.200 --> 0:03:58.600 everything else has been the same and amazing. So I'm 0:03:58.640 --> 0:04:02.240 completely blindsided by this. I'm heartbroken and I just need 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:04.680 some advice on how the fuck I am supposed to 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:07.360 be okay, let alone move on when I am still 0:04:07.400 --> 0:04:09.520 in love with him. There were no signs at all. 0:04:09.600 --> 0:04:12.280 We were fine yesterday and then he came home and 0:04:12.280 --> 0:04:14.120 said he just doesn't want to do this anymore, and 0:04:14.160 --> 0:04:15.600 he has fallen out of love with me. 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:17.040 Do you remember this one? 0:04:17.080 --> 0:04:20.040 I do? And I just feel in this position because 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:23.479 when there is nothing, like no sign that something is 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:25.760 a miss, and within yourself you're like, oh, this is 0:04:25.960 --> 0:04:28.440 a beautiful, perfect relationship. We're so in love. When the 0:04:28.440 --> 0:04:30.919 other person comes and they're like, surprise, don't love you, 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:34.640 it's so hard to comprehend because you're like, what do 0:04:34.680 --> 0:04:37.200 you mean? Yesterday? We were getting married, yesterday we were fine. Like, 0:04:37.240 --> 0:04:38.680 it just hits you like a ton of bricks. 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:42.080 Well, it's the most intense emotional whiplash, right, Like I 0:04:42.120 --> 0:04:45.200 feel like in this situation, so many people feel robbed, 0:04:45.200 --> 0:04:47.520 like you didn't tell me that something was wrong, and 0:04:47.720 --> 0:04:49.520 here I was none the wiser. I could have tried 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:52.200 to fix it before it became a problem, but instead 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:55.400 you didn't communicate with me. Now, I remember the conversation 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:59.239 we had around this question, and the conversation was often, 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:02.000 when it feels like it's come out of nowhere, if 0:05:02.040 --> 0:05:04.119 you look back and you kind of bread crumb throughout 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:08.000 your relationship, you can usually find telltale signs that may 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:12.960 indicate where things were starting to derail. Now luckily this 0:05:13.080 --> 0:05:15.800 solution for this one. The resolution is a really positive one, 0:05:15.839 --> 0:05:18.680 and the listeners written in it's very good news for me. 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:21.799 We ended up having a big discussion about our love languages, 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:24.760 as he had previously been feeling that his needs were 0:05:24.800 --> 0:05:28.719 not being met. He is a very sexually driven person 0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:31.680 and also needs physical touch, and for me, i'm more 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:34.719 quality time. Once we really got into things, it was 0:05:34.760 --> 0:05:36.960 easy to understand where he was coming from and how 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:39.560 he reached this point. And then I also brought up 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:41.960 that I needed to really work on our communication in 0:05:42.080 --> 0:05:44.920 order to not get here again. A year later, our 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:47.880 sex life is so much better and we communicate everything 0:05:47.960 --> 0:05:50.960 really well, so we now know exactly where we both stand. 0:05:51.000 --> 0:05:53.599 I'm extremely happy that we worked through things and we 0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:55.640 were about to celebrate seven years together. 0:05:55.960 --> 0:05:59.640 Da da dah. It's a love story that is that 0:05:59.800 --> 0:06:03.360 is such a great aftermath. This is the resolution we want. 0:06:03.440 --> 0:06:06.480 This is a oh, this isn't working. Wait, let's use 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:09.800 that thing we always say communicationnication is kid. We've done 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:12.160 a whole episode on love languages. We cannot stress the 0:06:12.200 --> 0:06:15.440 importance of talking about your love language, what drives you, 0:06:15.560 --> 0:06:18.200 what drives your partner, figuring that out, because if you 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:20.680 don't know and you're butting heads, that's what happens. People 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:21.120 break up. 0:06:21.120 --> 0:06:22.159 But look, you don't have to. 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:23.880 You can fall in love again. 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:26.360 But isn't this just like the nicest reminder as well 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:29.359 that sometimes when things feel completely futile in a relationship, 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:33.599 or when one person thinks because like this happens, often 0:06:33.680 --> 0:06:36.480 they think this can't be resolved, so I might as 0:06:36.520 --> 0:06:38.560 well just leave. Like I'm not happy, so I might 0:06:38.600 --> 0:06:40.839 as well walk away. But there are so many other 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:43.479 things that you can do in a relationship by communicating, 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:46.040 by trying to better understand your partner, by actually working 0:06:46.080 --> 0:06:49.440 through things, and that you can from a really shitty 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:52.960 period going from your partner saying I don't love you anymore, 0:06:53.279 --> 0:06:54.960 to then get to a place where you can be 0:06:55.040 --> 0:06:59.280 incredibly happy a year later. For anybody who has been 0:06:59.320 --> 0:07:01.760 in that situation where you feel like we're never going 0:07:01.800 --> 0:07:03.480 to be able to get back from a point where 0:07:03.520 --> 0:07:05.840 my partner doesn't love me, it is a testament to 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:08.120 the fact that you can. Everything gets better in time, 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:11.080 all right. Aftermath number two Okay. 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:14.200 Now, I think you'll remember this one. This was a 0:07:14.360 --> 0:07:17.640 very specific one. So my partner and I have been 0:07:17.640 --> 0:07:20.680 together for about two years now. He has an ex 0:07:20.720 --> 0:07:24.280 that he's still in communication with because his salary sacrificed 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:26.440 a car for her when they were together. 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:27.960 Oh yeah, he was still paying off the car. 0:07:28.280 --> 0:07:31.880 Yeah, so she had just been paying back this car 0:07:32.120 --> 0:07:35.400 in installments. I know that I really talk much like 0:07:35.440 --> 0:07:38.000 maybe once every couple of months, and it's always only 0:07:38.040 --> 0:07:41.000 ever about the car. I know this because I confronted 0:07:41.040 --> 0:07:44.160 him about it before and he showed me everything. However, 0:07:44.600 --> 0:07:49.040 my issue is whenever they do speak, it's always very flirty, 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:52.560 even though it's not often it's flirty. Should I just 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:56.480 not even worry about it because they talk so infrequently? 0:07:56.960 --> 0:07:59.600 Or is it a red flag? When he showed me 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:02.920 the message, I did ask why they were talking like that, 0:08:03.120 --> 0:08:05.560 and he said it was to make sure he stayed 0:08:05.560 --> 0:08:08.240 on her good side, just to get his money back. 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:10.120 Do you remember this one? 0:08:10.160 --> 0:08:12.120 I remember this, and I remember that we were like, no, 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:13.800 it's not an excuse. You don't need to be like, 0:08:13.840 --> 0:08:17.000 oh hey baby, how are you pooch? I don't make money, 0:08:17.160 --> 0:08:19.440 I've just made the transfer in order to keep someone 0:08:19.440 --> 0:08:21.640 on the good side. We were like, sometimes it can 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:25.080 be easy to slip into language or slip into talking 0:08:25.080 --> 0:08:26.720 to your ex in the way that you might have 0:08:26.760 --> 0:08:28.880 talked to them when you were together, because you had 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:31.840 that familiarity with each other. But that doesn't make it normal, 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:33.680 and it certainly doesn't make it okay when you're in 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:34.640 another relationship. 0:08:34.960 --> 0:08:36.959 Also, I think at the end of the day, we 0:08:37.240 --> 0:08:40.840 like to feel special, like we like it to feel wanted, 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:43.080 We like the attention. So even if he had no 0:08:43.080 --> 0:08:45.120 feelings there, he's probably like, Oh, it feels nice to 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:47.960 have someone give me this flattery. I think that that's 0:08:48.000 --> 0:08:49.959 what it is. But there is a very fine line. 0:08:50.040 --> 0:08:52.839 Like our advice at this point was like, that's not cool. 0:08:52.960 --> 0:08:54.000 You need to talk to him. 0:08:54.440 --> 0:08:56.920 Yeah, And I think it also like it's a reflection 0:08:57.040 --> 0:08:59.560 of that person's boundaries. Like I remember when I was 0:08:59.559 --> 0:09:01.800 in my twin and then I had an X, which 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:03.720 was like a very long stemming X and X that 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:05.840 came in and out of my life throughout my whole twenties. 0:09:06.200 --> 0:09:07.880 Like we had a big relationship. It was one of 0:09:07.880 --> 0:09:11.160 my big formative relationships. But he would still and I 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:13.160 guess I would to him as well. He would still 0:09:13.280 --> 0:09:16.480 use like our relationship nickname for each other even when 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:18.880 we weren't in a relationship, like he would message, he 0:09:18.920 --> 0:09:20.880 would call me pooch, but he would still message and 0:09:20.920 --> 0:09:22.720 be like, hey, pooch, like and that's how we kept 0:09:22.760 --> 0:09:26.880 in contact looking back. Not okay, absolutely not fucking okay. 0:09:27.280 --> 0:09:29.719 And I never did it when I was in relationships 0:09:29.760 --> 0:09:32.000 with other people. But at the same time, it just 0:09:32.360 --> 0:09:33.960 it was almost like he always still had his claws 0:09:34.000 --> 0:09:35.640 in a little bit, you know, in that way. 0:09:35.960 --> 0:09:38.839 I have done the same a game, the same thing 0:09:39.120 --> 0:09:40.240 probably recently. 0:09:40.440 --> 0:09:44.120 Yes, oh wow, Okay, we may or may not be 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:46.040 speaking about Jordan and everyone goes weird. 0:09:46.160 --> 0:09:47.959 Nope, it's like when you have names for each other, 0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:49.800 it's easy for when we were in I mean, like 0:09:49.840 --> 0:09:52.760 we don't really communicate that much anymore. We'll always be friends, 0:09:52.760 --> 0:09:55.839 but like we've tried to move on, but there was 0:09:55.880 --> 0:09:58.320 a long time there over this year that we were 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:02.480 still talking and with the nicknames abuse and it you can't, 0:10:02.559 --> 0:10:05.800 you just can't because it elicits this feeling inside this 0:10:06.200 --> 0:10:08.520 it's attached to a memory, and those names are attached 0:10:08.520 --> 0:10:10.200 to a feeling, and you can't do it. You just 0:10:10.200 --> 0:10:12.600 have to go back to the name, the whole name. 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:14.800 No shortcuts, nothing. Muse the middle name if you had 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:16.240 to use, missed you, sir. 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:19.200 They are in a lot of fucking trouble. Jordan Thompson, 0:10:19.200 --> 0:10:19.920 You were in trouble. 0:10:20.040 --> 0:10:20.760 That's what this is. 0:10:21.440 --> 0:10:25.800 Okay, I'm going to read you what happened girls following up. Yes, 0:10:26.000 --> 0:10:28.640 the girl was horrible with money and it was over 0:10:28.760 --> 0:10:32.439 ten thousand dollars that she was behind in repayment. So 0:10:32.480 --> 0:10:34.480 this is a This is a large amount of money 0:10:34.480 --> 0:10:36.840 that she had to pay him back, and this is 0:10:36.880 --> 0:10:39.240 why he was still in communications with her. He wanted 0:10:39.280 --> 0:10:42.080 his ten thousand dollars back. I had a conversation with 0:10:42.200 --> 0:10:44.839 him and he actually opened up a lot about how 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:47.200 mad he was at her for leaving him in so 0:10:47.360 --> 0:10:50.000 much debt, and how he'd even gone and gotten a 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:54.559 solicitor recently involved. He hadn't told me any of this previously, 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:57.280 as he knew talking about her didn't make me feel good, 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:00.320 so he kept it all to himself last far to 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:04.000 just last Friday, where she made one lump sum payment 0:11:04.040 --> 0:11:06.800 and it has been paid off completely. She paid the 0:11:06.840 --> 0:11:09.000 whole lot in one go. This is because he got 0:11:09.000 --> 0:11:12.080 a solicitor involved. She is now blocked and deleted from 0:11:12.080 --> 0:11:15.319 his contacts, and I feel better than ever about it. 0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:18.120 I actually love that he acknowledged how it made me feel, 0:11:18.160 --> 0:11:20.920 whereas previously I had seen him not wanting to talk 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:23.840 about it, as if he was hiding something. If we'd 0:11:23.880 --> 0:11:26.560 only been open with communication at the start, we both 0:11:26.600 --> 0:11:30.640 would have known this. This is a really great outcome 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:32.400 for everyone except the girl that had to pay ten 0:11:32.440 --> 0:11:34.880 thousand dollars in now he's blocked and deleted. For everybody 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:37.679 else involved in this situation, this is great. So he 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:39.439 was trying to do the right thing by his partner 0:11:39.559 --> 0:11:41.240 by like just trying to get the money back, not 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:44.120 talk about it. But the flirtiness is obviously a thing. 0:11:44.280 --> 0:11:46.520 Yeah, And don't you also think though, like so often 0:11:46.559 --> 0:11:49.320 in relationships, we assume that we know the answer, like 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:51.920 something might make us feel a certain way, and in 0:11:51.960 --> 0:11:56.560 this instance, him being secretive made her feel insecure. So therefore, 0:11:56.600 --> 0:11:59.960 when you feel insecure, you make assumptions around someone's behalf. 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:03.120 And just because you feel something, and just because you 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:06.600 assume something doesn't make it a fact. And we can 0:12:06.640 --> 0:12:09.160 all be guilty at times in our relationships of thinking 0:12:09.200 --> 0:12:12.559 that we know something as an absolute when actually, when 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:14.600 you sit down you have a conversation about it, the 0:12:14.640 --> 0:12:20.199 circumstances around it have just been interpreted incorrectly. Okay, I'm 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:22.000 going to go on to number three, and now this 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:23.840 one I'm going to reduce down because the actual question 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:24.600 was really really long. 0:12:24.640 --> 0:12:26.880 But this is kind of the summation of the question. 0:12:27.200 --> 0:12:27.560 All right. 0:12:27.960 --> 0:12:30.640 We actually answered this one quite a long time ago. 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:34.080 So I wrote in a question asking if I should 0:12:34.200 --> 0:12:36.640 leave my partner of nine years. The short version of 0:12:36.640 --> 0:12:39.319 that question is he didn't want kids, he didn't want 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:41.640 to get married, and I was struggling to forgive him 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:44.959 for infidelity that happened early in our relationship. I listened 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:47.640 to that episode and Your Advice on repeat for months 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:50.760 on end. Now I remember, because I looked back through 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:53.959 our messages. I remember this question and our advice. Our 0:12:54.000 --> 0:12:57.800 advice is very rarely, very rarely that you should just 0:12:57.920 --> 0:12:59.360 throw in the towel, say. 0:12:59.200 --> 0:13:02.920 It's really wrong. Sometimes that's wrong. 0:13:02.920 --> 0:13:04.160 We just don't read those ones out there, you know. 0:13:04.720 --> 0:13:06.760 Our advice is very rarely to just break up. But 0:13:06.960 --> 0:13:09.880 I think when we actually unpacked this relationship, we were 0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:11.040 like it's. 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:12.520 Been nine years. 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:14.800 You are not aligned in the things that you want. 0:13:14.880 --> 0:13:18.760 You haven't been able to overcome infidelity that happened years prior, Like, 0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:21.280 there's so much trauma in this relationship, and there's so 0:13:21.440 --> 0:13:24.760 many layers and obstacles that mean that you're never going 0:13:24.800 --> 0:13:26.440 to get to a place where you both see eye 0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:29.160 to eye and for every year. Because this is the 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:31.760 big thing, right for people who have been in long 0:13:31.840 --> 0:13:32.760 term relationships but. 0:13:32.760 --> 0:13:34.240 They can't quite make it work. 0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:37.480 We often think, but I need to stay in this 0:13:37.559 --> 0:13:40.480 relationship because I've invested so much time and I'm not 0:13:40.520 --> 0:13:42.640 going to find somebody else who I have this with, 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.240 because you know, nine years of my life has been 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:46.520 invested in this relationship. 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:48.040 So then you stay longer. 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:50.160 Nine years turns into ten years because you hope that 0:13:50.200 --> 0:13:52.520 things are going to change, because you're too scared to 0:13:52.640 --> 0:13:55.199 jump ship and start again. And I think that that 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:57.240 is why the outcome for this is such a special 0:13:57.240 --> 0:13:58.600 one and one that I really wanted to read out. 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:01.480 But basically, she said, long story short, it took me 0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:03.679 six whole months to build up the courage to leave 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:06.959 my ex, but I did it, and I left him. Now, 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:09.080 my intention was that I was going to be single 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:11.600 and live my best life and run away on holidays 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:15.640 and have a wonderful time as a single person. However, 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:19.040 just when you're not looking for it, and specifically it 0:14:19.120 --> 0:14:21.520 was eight days later after I broke up with my ex, 0:14:21.600 --> 0:14:24.440 I met the love of my life. We are now engaged. 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:27.560 I have never been happier, more looked after, adored, or 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:29.800 have had the confidence that I have now. We want 0:14:29.800 --> 0:14:32.240 all the same things. We want kids, marriage, a house, 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:35.520 and dogs together. Everything is exactly as I've always wanted 0:14:35.560 --> 0:14:38.240 in my relationships. Like you guys always say, if he 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:41.560 wanted to, he would, and also the other one when 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:46.520 you know, you know, and I certainly know. Ah no, No, 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:48.280 there are all so many feels a hang on. 0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:49.880 How long after the breakup was it? 0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:52.080 She met the guy eight days? Which I look, she 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:53.880 made him eight days after a little bit of. 0:14:54.080 --> 0:14:56.320 This a little bit fast, you know what? No? Is 0:14:56.320 --> 0:14:59.640 it fast? Because okay, look, I'm so excited about this 0:14:59.760 --> 0:15:04.080 they were. Yes, it's only eight days later. But this relationship, internally, 0:15:04.280 --> 0:15:06.920 within the relationship, I think was over for a long time, 0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:08.480 and I think the listener had checked out. 0:15:08.560 --> 0:15:09.320 You can still. 0:15:09.120 --> 0:15:13.200 Physically be there, but internally you're like I, the feelings 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:15.240 of deteriorated. I know we don't want the same things, 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:17.560 and it's just hard to leave because you've been in 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:19.720 it so long. It's what you know, it's habit, it's 0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:22.760 what's safe, it's what's comfortable, totally, but she checked out. 0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:26.760 So eight days later, whilst it is very very close, 0:15:27.560 --> 0:15:29.520 that's what it takes. And this is like a I 0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:32.880 get so excited by this. I'm really big believer that 0:15:33.360 --> 0:15:36.200 the next door can't open until the one behind you 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:39.080 was closed. So this who knows how long this the 0:15:39.160 --> 0:15:42.080 soulmate was floating around waiting, but they were never going 0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:45.360 to be available to you when you weren't available for it. 0:15:45.480 --> 0:15:48.280 So I think that that's a really beautiful way to 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:50.680 sum up this question and this situation. 0:15:50.880 --> 0:15:52.640 Yeah, and I totally agree with what you just said, Britt, 0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:54.800 Like it's so true. I think, like from the outset, 0:15:55.280 --> 0:15:57.600 eight days is an incredibly short amount of time, and 0:15:57.680 --> 0:16:00.360 normally my rational brain would be like, girlfriend, you should 0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:02.400 have waited, you should have worked for the breakup, you 0:16:02.440 --> 0:16:04.480 should have like had some independent time, gotten to a 0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:06.600 place where you felt really confident. But like, we know 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:09.360 that life is messy, and when great opportunities present themselves, 0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:11.880 or you meet someone who you have these like intense 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:14.600 connection with and they are the person that you want 0:16:14.640 --> 0:16:16.960 to be with, then there's not a time limit on 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:20.760 recovery for some people. Some breakups take years years, Some 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:24.360 short relationships take years, Some long relationships take a really 0:16:24.400 --> 0:16:26.280 small amount of time. And it does come down to 0:16:26.520 --> 0:16:29.840 how much disassociation happened whilst you in that relationship, how 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:33.200 much actual like repair recovery, how much did you make 0:16:33.240 --> 0:16:35.680 peace with that when you were still in the relationship 0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:37.360 versu what happened after the breakup. 0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:40.600 I had a girlfriend, This is very recent. She was 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:43.080 in a three year relationship. She was holding on because 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:44.360 she loved him. But at the end of the day, 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:46.920 he was a little bit older. He was past the 0:16:46.920 --> 0:16:48.360 things that she wanted to do. She wanted to be 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:49.200 young and traveled. 0:16:49.280 --> 0:16:50.320 He was past his use by day. 0:16:50.800 --> 0:16:52.680 She wanted to go live in different countries. Yeah, past 0:16:52.680 --> 0:16:54.440 the use by day. Like it was not like past 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:57.480 these us by day for that relationship, but the relationship. Yeah, 0:16:57.520 --> 0:16:59.840 So she had a very very hard time in accepting 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.480 it was over, and she ended up making the decision, 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:05.719 but it was very very hard. She was very very heartbroken. 0:17:06.119 --> 0:17:08.520 She went online dating. She hadn't been online dating in years, 0:17:08.520 --> 0:17:09.919 and she thought, I'm just gonna do it. She's like, 0:17:09.920 --> 0:17:11.560 there's no part of me that wants to date anyone. 0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:14.280 I'm going to do this to like try and forget him, 0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:16.840 get over him, just you know, like I'm just gonna 0:17:16.880 --> 0:17:18.359 go and use and abuse this dating site. 0:17:18.440 --> 0:17:20.399 You know what they say, you got to get over it. 0:17:20.640 --> 0:17:23.320 You got to get under it to get over it. 0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:26.600 Almost Laura, you gotta get somewhere to get something. 0:17:26.840 --> 0:17:29.240 You got to get under it, get over She went 0:17:29.280 --> 0:17:29.560 on this. 0:17:29.640 --> 0:17:31.840 She met someone online. She's like, you you are cute. 0:17:32.000 --> 0:17:33.560 You're going to be my person that I'm going to 0:17:33.600 --> 0:17:35.960 go out and get back into the dating world. Anyway, 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:38.440 first person she dated, and I'm talking like a week 0:17:38.520 --> 0:17:41.800 later she hit it off. Fast forward three months. They 0:17:41.880 --> 0:17:45.440 lived together, they're traveling together, they're completely sold. They talk 0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:48.040