Speaker 1: Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout
Speaker 1: Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We
Speaker 1: pay our respect to their elders past and present and
Speaker 1: extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait islander
Speaker 1: peoples today.
Speaker 2: This episode is recorded on Gaddigal Land of the Aurora Nation.
Speaker 2: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 2: I'm Laura and I'm Brittany, and this is our Thursday episode,
Speaker 2: Our ask Guncut episode where we answer all your deep,
Speaker 2: dark and dirty questions.
Speaker 1: Is sickos, They're not cicicos. Don't make them feel bad
Speaker 1: for being cicicos. Now you are.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 1: We love our Thursday. We love you guys. Sliding to
Speaker 1: the DMS with the questions. We do have a couple
Speaker 1: of bangers for you today, but we've got some other
Speaker 1: stuff to get through first. Don't you question my word
Speaker 1: of banger? Oh I wasn't.
Speaker 2: I did listen back to Tuesday's episode and you said
Speaker 2: frothing twice and every time I heard it, I was.
Speaker 1: Like, Yeah, it's like when you used batter all day.
Speaker 1: That's true. I did. I haven't made that noise in
Speaker 1: a while. Frothing, to me is a great word, froth it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it just means you really vibe it. I've just retained
Speaker 1: the word. I'm trying to bring it back. I don't
Speaker 1: know how everyone feels. I don't know how everyone feels
Speaker 1: about it. Actual it's very emotive. Like if you frothed something,
Speaker 1: think of how much you just love it.
Speaker 2: I do you not remember going back when we very
Speaker 2: first started this podcast and you said frothing and I
Speaker 2: was like, is that like frothing at the slit? And
Speaker 2: it made you want to vomit in your mouth?
Speaker 1: That was like the first episode, wasn't it. Let's try
Speaker 1: and find that audio and replay for you guys. You'll
Speaker 1: be bye. We probably shouldn't.
Speaker 2: But also I want to say this for everybody who
Speaker 2: writes in questions, there is zero judgment. This is a
Speaker 2: safe place. This is the place where you know what.
Speaker 2: Britt and I come to this with a lot of experience.
Speaker 2: We have done some really stupid shit in our past relationships,
Speaker 2: and that is where the advice comes from. It comes
Speaker 2: from lived and learned experience. But something I wanted to
Speaker 2: talk to you guys about every well, actually it's very sporatic.
Speaker 2: I would hope that one day we get to a
Speaker 2: point where we have a day for it, Like it
Speaker 2: could be a Thursday where producer Keisha drops all the
Speaker 2: memes or a Wednesday. But every so often it's just
Speaker 2: whenever she's got like a good stock pile and then
Speaker 2: she goes on Instagram and dumps all the memes there for.
Speaker 1: We love a dump. We love a dump, not a
Speaker 1: relationship dump, a meme dump.
Speaker 2: I mean sometimes we love a relationship dump too, depends
Speaker 2: on what's been happening. But this is one that has
Speaker 2: been causing a little bit of a stir. And I
Speaker 2: have to tell you, I was this.
Speaker 1: How did say I was this many? I was old?
Speaker 1: Was this? I was this? What's the thing? I was just?
Speaker 1: I was this?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I was years oldkay? I was like, what is the quote? Okay,
Speaker 1: okay boom, Yeah, I know right. What's the thing that
Speaker 1: kids are saying? What do kids say about the thing?
Speaker 1: How is this many? I was this many decades old?
Speaker 1: When I was at this year's this is old?
Speaker 4: So dumb?
Speaker 1: Is it this years old?
Speaker 4: You are fired?
Speaker 1: Whatever it was fucking today? It was today today when
Speaker 1: I found out, I was today years old, I was
Speaker 1: today years old. Let's say that that you know the
Speaker 1: Michelin tires, Yeah, in a Michelin tires, the Michelin Man,
Speaker 1: the little roly poly Michelin Thaire Man. Yeah, he was
Speaker 1: on the ads growing up in our youth. We're in
Speaker 1: pretty old.
Speaker 2: And you know the Michelin star ratings for restaurants. Yes,
Speaker 2: do you know who started that? The reason that it's
Speaker 2: called the Michelin tires and the Michelin Man is because
Speaker 2: the Michelin brothers who created the tires started the Michelin
Speaker 2: restaurant rating because they used to like put different restaurants
Speaker 2: out and say that is a restaurant worth driving?
Speaker 1: To mind fucking blown? Is that real? It's true?
Speaker 2: Look, come on Google right now. The first Michelin Star
Speaker 2: rating was given in nineteen twenty six. The restaurants, all
Speaker 2: of which were in France, and were awarded a single
Speaker 2: star if they were deemed a fine dining establishment. Two
Speaker 2: stars and your reststaurant is excellent. Three stars and your
Speaker 2: restaurant is worth traveling too. And it's actually for that
Speaker 2: reason traveling that the Michelin brothers Andre and Edwards started
Speaker 2: the Michelin Guide back in the nineteen hundred line bowing.
Speaker 1: I thought that was a joke.
Speaker 2: No, it's true. There you go a little bit of
Speaker 2: historical facts. We don't learn anything on an ask gun
Speaker 2: Cut episode.
Speaker 1: Or lifehun Cut in general. Was that on what's that source? Google?
Speaker 1: The Internet? How the Michelin Guide made a time just
Speaker 1: talk about self educating and self regulating?
Speaker 2: Last episode Business Insider. Look, I've got some real reliable Wikipedia.
Speaker 2: You can say that one could be semi reliable. Wikipedia
Speaker 2: is fake, No, it's not entirely fake.
Speaker 1: Anyone can add anything on Wikipedia. Wikipedia. I pretty much
Speaker 1: finished my university degree because of Wikipedia explained a lot.
Speaker 1: I never used my university degree.
Speaker 2: And here I am with the podcast anyway, Britt, But
Speaker 2: you have an update for us, So if you listen
Speaker 2: to the Tinder Swindler episode, we actually got another little
Speaker 2: update from Cecilia and Panilla. When we interviewed Cecilia and Panilla,
Speaker 2: it was pretty interesting for us because they were just
Speaker 2: off the back of the Netflix series. But there were
Speaker 2: some parts of their story that hadn't come to an
Speaker 2: end point and that we didn't have the answers to.
Speaker 2: But we do have an update on some of the
Speaker 2: things that we asked them, but we weren't able to
Speaker 2: get answers to at the time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there was if you did listen at the end
Speaker 1: of the episode, the girls, we spoke to them for
Speaker 1: as long as we possibly could because we had so
Speaker 1: many questions, and it got to the point where they
Speaker 1: were late for the next interview, so we're like, fine.
Speaker 2: We'll let you go, Like, do not leave, we are
Speaker 2: not finished here. We could have done, honestly, that too,
Speaker 2: pass home. It could have been a two part episode.
Speaker 2: There were so many things that I was interested in
Speaker 2: finding out about their story.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but you know, we only had access to what
Speaker 1: we had access to. But I did speak to Cecilia afterwards,
Speaker 1: and I just asked her. I ate for curiosity because
Speaker 1: we wanted an update ourselves, but we wanted to give
Speaker 1: you an update as well. I did ask her just
Speaker 1: what had happened to the money? Had she had help
Speaker 1: from the creditors or the banks, or had she had
Speaker 1: any support had she recovered the money she had spent?
Speaker 1: She said a voice message back and this is what
Speaker 1: she had to say.
Speaker 3: No, never got the money back that I order lost,
Speaker 3: have never been any support from the banks or fine
Speaker 3: as companies. I was even dragged to court by four banks,
Speaker 3: so that's another traumatic experience.
Speaker 4: So I feel very very strongly about how you're actually
Speaker 4: handling fraud victims afterwards as well. It shouldn't be another
Speaker 4: traumatic incident being called a criminal at your trial when
Speaker 4: your fraud story is still out there. And what will
Speaker 4: happen with the go fund money money.
Speaker 3: I hope that I will be able to go into
Speaker 3: conversations with my creditors regarding the money that got in.
Speaker 1: So yeah, now on top of that, I thought that
Speaker 1: this was coming full circle, I've got another update. So
Speaker 1: these news articles are only really dropping in the last
Speaker 1: twenty four hours. Some of these are only twelve hours young.
Speaker 1: But Simon Leviev aka the Tinder swin line, even though
Speaker 1: he's saying he's not he one, he actually now been
Speaker 1: sued by his own in quotations family. So the actual
Speaker 1: real original le'viv family that are these billionaire diamond business owners,
Speaker 1: the people who own Led Diamonds, the real family that
Speaker 1: he was impersonating. They are now suing Simon the Tinder swindler,
Speaker 1: and they are also suing anyone that was associated with him.
Speaker 1: They also put a statement out that I think, and
Speaker 1: I'm going to say allegedly, I think it's Cameo. But
Speaker 1: in a statement by the Leviv's family lawyer, his name
Speaker 1: is Guy Offer, he has come out and said in
Speaker 1: a series of legal proceedings that the Leviv family has
Speaker 1: instructed me to take against this crook and his accomplices
Speaker 1: in the coming days. A monetary claim will also be
Speaker 1: filed against the crook and anyone who has been involved
Speaker 1: in his past and present actions. Similarly, a law suit
Speaker 1: will be filed against the sites that chose to join
Speaker 1: the crook and allow him to sell paid greetings while
Speaker 1: exploiting his victims. The Leaviv family intends to do you
Speaker 1: need the money it obtains to its other victims, so huge, huge, huge, huge,
Speaker 1: So they're suing Simon.
Speaker 2: One can also only assume that they're suing Cameo. And
Speaker 2: this was the conversation that we had when we did
Speaker 2: the episode, like, how can a social media platform allow
Speaker 2: for someone to make money and to capitalize on what
Speaker 2: they have already done, on the criminal actions that they've
Speaker 2: made and how they've defrauded someone.
Speaker 1: It's just so inconscionable. Well, at the end of the day.
Speaker 1: Think of the attention, and it's I mean, it's attention,
Speaker 1: but it's negative attention that he has brought to this family,
Speaker 1: an innocent family that had nothing to do with it,
Speaker 1: or they're billionaires but they had nothing to do with it.
Speaker 1: Their name and business has been spoken about, dragged negatively
Speaker 1: all over the world, and there will be people that
Speaker 1: don't follow the updates. So we people that hear snippets
Speaker 1: here and there, and they hear that it's derogatory towards
Speaker 1: their company. I think it's amazing that they're doing it,
Speaker 1: and I think it's amazing that they're saying, we don't
Speaker 1: want the money, We're going to give it back to everybody.
Speaker 1: Hopefully everyone that lost something can recoup.
Speaker 2: Especially knowing that the women who were affected are still
Speaker 2: going through these legal batters and are still in so
Speaker 2: much debt.
Speaker 1: One more thing that I think is really interesting that
Speaker 1: I do want to do some research on or if
Speaker 1: anyone's a lawyer out there and wants to slide into
Speaker 1: my DMS, what happens in this instance. Okay, it's fair
Speaker 1: enough for them to say I'm going to sue you
Speaker 1: and repay people with the money, but if Simon doesn't
Speaker 1: have any money, or that person doesn't have any money,
Speaker 1: what happens. What happens if they claim bankruptcy, they don't
Speaker 1: get anything, so he would have to claim bankruptcy right
Speaker 1: So at the end of the day, these people probably
Speaker 1: won't get their money back unless this billionaire company decides
Speaker 1: to throw them a bone. Pretty much. Anyway, that's your update.
Speaker 1: Let's now get into ask on Cut. Laura, have you
Speaker 1: got a question for me?
Speaker 2: I do I really like this week's questions? We have
Speaker 2: a good mix. Can you be friends with the male
Speaker 2: that you've just met while you're in a relationship. I
Speaker 2: have been with my partner for two years and only
Speaker 2: just recently met someone spontaneously for a brief moment one
Speaker 2: afternoon out with friends. I said I have a partner
Speaker 2: and that I don't want a relationship, and he has
Speaker 2: said he is happy to be friends. There is another layer.
Speaker 2: My partner and I have been rocky but completely honest
Speaker 2: with each other. I don't know what I feel towards
Speaker 2: my partner at the moment, which is mutual as we
Speaker 2: have a few things to work out. But I also
Speaker 2: want to be friends with someone who I enjoy talking to.
Speaker 2: And have indicated I don't want anything from other than
Speaker 2: a friendship. Do you think you can become friends with
Speaker 2: someone of the opposite sex while still in our relationship.
Speaker 2: This is like an arm dum dum.
Speaker 1: This bad boy has some serious layers. We need to
Speaker 1: pull back. It's certainly does. I never want to be
Speaker 1: the person that says you cannot be friends with someone
Speaker 1: or you can't be friends with the male. But at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, it's like you always end
Speaker 1: up sucking them. You will, you gotta, there's gonna be
Speaker 1: whether you are lying to yourself, there is an attraction there.
Speaker 1: You've met someone that you're like, we just click. I
Speaker 1: definitely don't want anything, but I want to spend time
Speaker 1: with him. Also, my relationships rocky. With my partner, you're
Speaker 1: gonna fuck him or you're gonna kiss him. He's develop
Speaker 1: an emotional connection at a minimum, because that's what happens
Speaker 1: in any friendship, female or male.
Speaker 2: I think that we Okay, let's be real here. I
Speaker 2: am women and men can absolutely be friends, and you
Speaker 2: can meet new people when you're in a relationship. I've
Speaker 2: met loads of guys like that. Matt and I am
Speaker 2: mutually friends with you know, mutually totally. And the other
Speaker 2: thing in this as well is that there can't be
Speaker 2: any sexual attraction or chemistry or energy or whatever that is,
Speaker 2: And especially if you're in a bad place with your partner.
Speaker 2: I think like you are absolutely playing with danger the
Speaker 2: fact that you kind of already had the fact that
Speaker 2: you had to have a conversation with this person and
Speaker 2: be like, oh, I'm you know, I'm not looking for
Speaker 2: a relationship and they've agreed to just be friends and.
Speaker 1: They've said, oh, I'll be happy with that. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: alarm bells for me.
Speaker 2: Like, I think that all you're doing is creating a
Speaker 2: situation that could be really really problematic. And do you
Speaker 2: need more friends in your life? Like do you are
Speaker 2: you so desperate that you need a new guy friend
Speaker 2: that you could potentially put yourself in a situation where
Speaker 2: temptation may be too great. Like I really want to
Speaker 2: drive home the fact that you do think guys and
Speaker 2: girls can be friends, but in specific situations and there
Speaker 2: can't be emotion involved.
Speaker 1: Of course, I'm joking when I say you're a hundred
Speaker 1: percent going to sleep with him, Like that's a face,
Speaker 1: that's a joke. But there's obviously something there. You obviously
Speaker 1: have some sort of feeling there, even if it's just
Speaker 1: something that you're drawn to his personality, especially if he's funny,
Speaker 1: that is very dangerous territory. Anyone that is funny that
Speaker 1: you have chemistry with is dangerous territory. If your relationship
Speaker 1: really is rocky, I don't think throwing another new, unknown
Speaker 1: male into the mix is going to help your situation,
Speaker 1: Like it is a recipe for absolute disaster. So I
Speaker 1: think at a minimum, if you want this person to
Speaker 1: be friends, maybe all of you go out as a
Speaker 1: group and your partner comes. If you start saying I'm
Speaker 1: going to hang out with some friends to your partner
Speaker 1: and then it turns out, oh, you're going to hang
Speaker 1: out one on one with this guy. Could you imagine
Speaker 1: if that was in reverse? And that's what I always do.
Speaker 1: I always put myself in a situation if my partner
Speaker 1: was going to hang out with a female. I mean,
Speaker 1: you ask yourself that, what if your boyfriend said to you,
Speaker 1: I'm just going out hang out with a friend for
Speaker 1: a little while and you found out it was a hot,
Speaker 1: pretty female that he had just met that he was
Speaker 1: going out. But he's like I just we just get
Speaker 1: along with relaxed. Yeah, so you would be like cool, Okay,
Speaker 1: I just don't know why you would do that. I
Speaker 1: just think you need to focus on your own relationship
Speaker 1: or you all hang out in a huge group. Maybe
Speaker 1: this new person does just want friends and he can
Speaker 1: be brought into your group as a collective. Totally.
Speaker 2: I agree with that completely. I think that it needs
Speaker 2: to be if you're truly a friend, then it's someone
Speaker 2: who you can introduce to your partner and there's not
Speaker 2: going to be any sort of weird like, well, why
Speaker 2: are you friends with this guy? The other thing that's
Speaker 2: really important, I think when you become friends with someone
Speaker 2: who's of the opposite sex, when you are wanting to
Speaker 2: be a legitimate friend, not keeping someone there as like
Speaker 2: a potential person to monkey branch too. If your relationship
Speaker 2: doesn't work out, is you can't speak to them in
Speaker 2: a way that undermines your current relationship. You can't be
Speaker 2: telling him that, like you guys are going through a
Speaker 2: rocky patch, or telling him that, like, things in your
Speaker 2: relationship are hard because there is sexual chemistry there. All
Speaker 2: that does is reinforce to him that maybe he's in
Speaker 2: with the chance and that maybe the friendship isn't so
Speaker 2: much a friendship, but it's like waiting in the wings
Speaker 2: of something else.
Speaker 1: And you guys all know, anyone that follows me, you
Speaker 1: know that I have male friends. I always have. I
Speaker 1: was being the biggest tomboy in my entire life. I've
Speaker 1: always had more male friends than females. But when I
Speaker 1: was with Jordan, for example, he knew I would hang
Speaker 1: out with my male friends, but he knew them as well.
Speaker 1: They were part of the group. He met them immediately
Speaker 1: when he was here, when we got together, he knew
Speaker 1: all about them. And these friends have been really long
Speaker 1: term life friends. They're not people where I would never
Speaker 1: say to Jordan, hey, I just met this guy. He's
Speaker 1: so great, just going to catch up with him for
Speaker 1: a hot second while you're on the other side of
Speaker 1: the world.
Speaker 2: And he's the exact sort of guy that I would
Speaker 2: date if we weren't to But I won't.
Speaker 1: But I won't. I won't be tempted because I have
Speaker 1: so much self control, so I think, do what you want.
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, ask yourself the
Speaker 1: questions and just think about what we just spoke about,
Speaker 1: and think about if your partner was saying that to you,
Speaker 1: how you would feel and.
Speaker 2: Be honest with yourself like you attracted to like if
Speaker 2: you know the temptations there? Are you playing with danger
Speaker 2: and are you just wanting someone to tell you that
Speaker 2: it's okay and that like, oh my god, no girl friend.
Speaker 2: Guys and girls can be friends, Yes, they absolutely can be,
Speaker 2: but there is a.
Speaker 1: Caveat there.
Speaker 4: All right.
Speaker 2: Next question, I've been going through a breakup with my
Speaker 2: partner after five years together, four years living happily in
Speaker 2: our home we bought together. There's a lot to unpack.
Speaker 2: We were happier than ever in twenty nineteen, literally on
Speaker 2: the path to the future.
Speaker 1: We dreamed.
Speaker 2: He was one hundred percent of my penguin. Unfortunately, my
Speaker 2: partner's father passed away in September of twenty nineteen, and
Speaker 2: this is when things started to turn pretty crappy for us.
Speaker 2: My partner turned to gambling and drinking as a coping mechanism.
Speaker 2: I tried everything under the sun to support him, get
Speaker 2: him the help that he needs, even tried to help
Speaker 2: him financially. Things escalated and I ended up finding out
Speaker 2: twenty thousand dollars was drained from our redraw and our mortgage.
Speaker 2: I approached him with kindness and support. He agreed to
Speaker 2: get help midway through twenty twenty, and then from twenty
Speaker 2: twenty to January of twenty twenty two, I just continued
Speaker 2: to be lied to. I'm stuck now, riding the ways
Speaker 2: of emotion, feeling like I lost the love of my
Speaker 2: life and my penguin because he didn't want to get
Speaker 2: the help he needed, but also hating and questioning myself
Speaker 2: because what else could I have done?
Speaker 1: How I made a mistake breaking up with him? Should
Speaker 1: I have stayed longer to help? So? How long overall
Speaker 1: did she stay trying to help? Almost two years? Okay,
Speaker 1: this actually almost an identical situation happened to somebody that
Speaker 1: I know. This is not them. This was a long
Speaker 1: time ago now, but exactly the same thing that had
Speaker 1: lost a parent. It sent them into a spiral and
Speaker 1: they went into gambling big time. They were dropping a
Speaker 1: lot of money, it was drinking. It wasn't great. She
Speaker 1: stuck by him, and she really really helped him for
Speaker 1: a long time. It was up and down for a
Speaker 1: little while, but I say a little while, like maybe
Speaker 1: six months, and then he decided I don't want this.
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that I have you and
Speaker 1: you know everything works out, which you know, she was
Speaker 1: getting to the point where she's like, I can't do this.
Speaker 1: So he made the decision to say, let's get help
Speaker 1: and let's move on. And they are the most incredible relationship.
Speaker 1: Now they're marrying. They've been together. This was years ago,
Speaker 1: so they really worked through that. But that's because he
Speaker 1: wanted to make the difference. He yeah, he came to
Speaker 1: the table. And this is such a gambling and addictions
Speaker 1: in any form, there's such tricky conversations. And Laura and
Speaker 1: I we are not professionals. We cannot comment from any
Speaker 1: sort of experience. We are not trained in that. But
Speaker 1: all we can comment on is if we're in that
Speaker 1: situation or our opinion on the situation. For me, I
Speaker 1: think it's normal to feel a sense of guilt, especially
Speaker 1: when you know that someone you've loved when something didn't
Speaker 1: work out. Firstly, you're always going to feel guilty, even
Speaker 1: like my relationship with Jordan, it's just something that doesn't
Speaker 1: work out. You're always like, could I have done something more?
Speaker 1: Could we have done something differently? Did we try hard enough?
Speaker 1: It's such a normal question in any relationship. But I
Speaker 1: think at the end of the day, you stuck around
Speaker 1: and you've tried for two years. That is a really
Speaker 1: long time to be offering your support with someone that
Speaker 1: obviously doesn't want it. They are still draining your money
Speaker 1: on top of that, so it's not even that they're
Speaker 1: trying to get help, but they're still taking from you.
Speaker 1: I think if I was in your situation, I would
Speaker 1: have done the exact same thing. You've put in a
Speaker 1: lot of time trying to help him. It was completely
Speaker 1: detrimental to you in every aspect of your life, and
Speaker 1: you've decided that it's not the life you wanted for yourself.
Speaker 1: I think that's one hundred percent okay. I don't think
Speaker 1: you've done anything wrong, and I really hope you feel
Speaker 1: no guilt moving forward.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's such a hard one, isn't it, Because of
Speaker 2: course you want to stay and support your loved ones,
Speaker 2: and I think like you want to be there, You
Speaker 2: want to make sure that you see them through the
Speaker 2: trauma or the grief and how long that takes them
Speaker 2: to overcome it. And I mean, grief can be so
Speaker 2: long lasting for so many people, but then it can
Speaker 2: also morph into other things, and for him, I feel
Speaker 2: like this grief has morphed into this addiction as well,
Speaker 2: which is obviously something that he's using to mask the pain.
Speaker 1: And there's so many layers.
Speaker 2: To this, which obviously he and you both together probably
Speaker 2: should be going and seeing speaking to relationship counselors, like,
Speaker 2: there is far more to unpacking than what like you said, Britt,
Speaker 2: we have the capabilities of doing. But I do think
Speaker 2: that sometimes we can be buffers for our partners in
Speaker 2: a relationship, like we can kind of stop them from
Speaker 2: really understanding or feeling the full force of what they're doing.
Speaker 2: And just because you've broken up now in January, we're
Speaker 2: in March, maybe he will get his shit together. Maybe
Speaker 2: not having you there will be the realization that he
Speaker 2: needs that something really has to fundamentally shift in his life.
Speaker 2: But he wasn't ready to make those changes because he
Speaker 2: thought you were always going to stick around. The thing
Speaker 2: is is I think once it comes to a point
Speaker 2: where you've tried everything that you can possibly do, sometimes
Speaker 2: leaving and giving someone the space but also making sure
Speaker 2: obviously they need to have their family and another support
Speaker 2: systems set up around them, but just removing yourself from
Speaker 2: that environment enough so that there's some change. Can also
Speaker 2: help to make someone realize that they need to go
Speaker 2: and get some extra help well, that things are more
Speaker 2: of a problem than what they actually are, acknowledging the
Speaker 2: problem as well. And I'm not saying it works for everyone,
Speaker 2: and I'm not saying that that's the only reason why
Speaker 2: you should do this. That you certainly shouldn't stay in
Speaker 2: a situation for so long, like more than two years,
Speaker 2: just because you feel like you need to take care
Speaker 2: of somebody else.
Speaker 1: The worst this thing in a relationship is people that
Speaker 1: stay out of guilt because they feel like they can't
Speaker 1: leave because you know, there's something that's big out keeping
Speaker 1: them there. What if this happens, what if they do this?
Speaker 1: You know, guilt is not a reason. Unfortunately, it's not
Speaker 1: a reason to stay in a relationship. A lot of
Speaker 1: people use that as a weapon as well to keep people.
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that's this situation. But if you
Speaker 1: leave me, I'm going to do this totally. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: have people that have been in that exact situation, which
Speaker 1: is incredibly coercive. It is something like that, but I
Speaker 1: mean it is, it's a form of it's actually a
Speaker 1: form of domestic violence because it is coercive control. But
Speaker 1: that's not what this situation is. I don't think from
Speaker 1: what you've told us. But at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: this is going to sound so cliche, but it's true.
Speaker 1: We literally get one life. We get to choose the
Speaker 1: life that we have. Like we are in control of
Speaker 1: what is in our every and our day to day,
Speaker 1: who we surround ourselves with, what we're going to do
Speaker 1: for work, what we want to do. We can work
Speaker 1: towards that. Currently, your partner is choosing a life, and
Speaker 1: you know there are external sources that are putting him
Speaker 1: on this journey. But you have tried, You have given
Speaker 1: everything you can to try and redirect his journey to
Speaker 1: come back to you, to get back on track, and
Speaker 1: he's not doing it. What you could stay for another
Speaker 1: five years, ten years, you could waste the best part
Speaker 1: of your life. And I don't want to use the
Speaker 1: word waste, bit it is because you're not living. You're
Speaker 1: not living in the life you want. You are not happy.
Speaker 1: He's taking from you, he's not even meeting you halfway.
Speaker 1: He's not giving you anything. So that's just a question
Speaker 1: you need to ask yourself is this the life I want?
Speaker 1: Have I done what I can for this human and
Speaker 1: is it time to move on?
Speaker 2: And I feel like everyone's heard this sort of saying,
Speaker 2: But it's like you can't help someone who doesn't want
Speaker 2: to help themselves, Like if he doesn't want the help,
Speaker 2: if he doesn't recognize that there's a problem here. There's
Speaker 2: no amount of youse saying that there's a problem that's
Speaker 2: going to change anything. That change has to come internally.
Speaker 2: And you have a right in every relationship that you're
Speaker 2: in to feel emotionally and financially secure. So I genuinely think, like,
Speaker 2: do not feel guilt. Of course you can feel sad
Speaker 2: that the relationship has ended, and of course you can
Speaker 2: look back on where you're at in twenty nineteen and
Speaker 2: think like, we were so happy and now we're not.
Speaker 2: But also I think sometimes we don't. You know, when
Speaker 2: you're with someone, you need to experience the full range
Speaker 2: of what life is like. This is how he has
Speaker 2: reacted to losing a parent. What about the next time
Speaker 2: something big happens in your life and something terrible happens,
Speaker 2: Like we're going to experience loss, We're going to experience
Speaker 2: grief at all different phases in our life. And maybe
Speaker 2: this is the first time that as a couple you've
Speaker 2: ever experienced any form of challenge or grief, and this
Speaker 2: is how he has responded to it. So I guess,
Speaker 2: like you know, sometimes we don't know exactly who that
Speaker 2: person is, and to we're put under the biggest amount
Speaker 2: of pressure.
Speaker 1: And look, you could always if you feel really guilty,
Speaker 1: you can always end this relationship and say to him
Speaker 1: I will be still here for you as a friend
Speaker 1: if you really need anything. I don't want you to
Speaker 1: ever feel like you're abandoned, you know, just reach out.
Speaker 1: You've got my number, you know where to find me.
Speaker 1: But you need to fill your own cup, and you
Speaker 1: need to have your own oxygen mask, and you need
Speaker 1: to look after yourself first.
Speaker 2: I love that saying put your own oxygen mask on
Speaker 2: before you help others.
Speaker 1: Around two hundred percent. Yeah, Okay, on to a third
Speaker 1: and last question. This is an interesting one. It's very different.
Speaker 1: We haven't done anything like this before. It's very very lighthearted.
Speaker 1: But Britain and I disagree, so we thought we throw
Speaker 1: it at the end. So my fiance and I just
Speaker 1: bought a house. Congratulations, I got a bit excited and
Speaker 1: purchased a couple of nice paintings by an Australian artists
Speaker 1: for the lounge and the hallway that I just happened
Speaker 1: to see online and I really loved the look of.
Speaker 1: A month later, the paintings arrive and my fiance does
Speaker 1: not like them and refuses to let them be on
Speaker 1: the wall. No, these are very neutral, pleasant paintings. They're
Speaker 1: not abstract nud ladies or anything that might even be
Speaker 1: remotely polarizing. I can't return them, and I really really
Speaker 1: love them and I want them on my wall, and
Speaker 1: they were as they were, really make the space. But
Speaker 1: I know if I try, he will get angry and
Speaker 1: just take them down. I can just imagine this situation
Speaker 1: at the home. She puts it up, he takes it down.
Speaker 1: Do you have any suggestions of how to tackle this?
Speaker 1: I feel bad I should have consulted him in the
Speaker 1: first place. I shouldn't have bought them on my own,
Speaker 1: as it is our house and we both live there.
Speaker 1: But as I said, I just got a bit excited.
Speaker 1: I just saw them online and I don't want blank
Speaker 1: walls forever. Can I put them up? Do we live
Speaker 1: with blank walls? What do we do, and then she
Speaker 1: finished it by saying, lol.
Speaker 2: I think that a lot of couples disagree on home decoreps,
Speaker 2: Like a lot of couples. Matt has a particular painting
Speaker 2: or actually has a couple of them, which no longer
Speaker 2: live on the walls in our house because I don't
Speaker 2: like them. But I think that you have to agree,
Speaker 2: especially if you have just bought a house together, if
Speaker 2: you just collectively like, you're both so proud of this space,
Speaker 2: you both love this space. I think it's a pretty
Speaker 2: bold move to just go and buy sender piece of artworks,
Speaker 2: multiple of them, and not consult your partner.
Speaker 1: But I think it's equally a bold move to walk
Speaker 1: in pull the art off the wall and be like, no,
Speaker 1: it's not going on the wall. I think they're equally bold. Well,
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I think it would take someone who clearly hates the painting.
Speaker 2: And it's funny to me because when you say like, oh,
Speaker 2: it's neutral, it's not offensive.
Speaker 1: Like art is so subjective.
Speaker 2: What you think is not offensive, he might think is
Speaker 2: wildly offensive, Like no, I know what.
Speaker 1: She means, it actually obviously means. It's like, there's no
Speaker 1: possible way it's probably like it's just probably a white
Speaker 1: thing with a gray line in it, Like there's no,
Speaker 1: it's not abstracting out in this box. And I get
Speaker 1: what she means by that, and I think that that
Speaker 1: is real point for me, where she's like, it's literally
Speaker 1: the most plaining Jane art you could have. It just
Speaker 1: goes with the house.
Speaker 2: But I think that this is a good lesson. I
Speaker 2: think that if you're going to like a have a
Speaker 2: combined space where you're like have a shared space, a
Speaker 2: shared living and you're a couple, yes you're allowed to
Speaker 2: have your own things, absolutely, but on big important stuff
Speaker 2: in the house that's like really dictates the aesthetic of
Speaker 2: the house. If your partner equally cares about it as
Speaker 2: much as you do, that's a joint decision. You can't
Speaker 2: just be just you can't just be the one that's like, oh, well,
Speaker 2: like I care about what the couch looks like, so
Speaker 2: I'm not going to tell you when I bought it,
Speaker 2: and here it is. This is the couch you're going
Speaker 2: to sit on for the rest of your life.
Speaker 1: Look, at the end of the day, I agree it
Speaker 1: is your house. You I'm going to assume you know
Speaker 1: you've both bought it together, you put the money in together.
Speaker 1: You definitely need to like your space at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, and he doesn't like it, so you
Speaker 1: need to work with that. This is a tough lesson learned.
Speaker 1: But I don't think. I think you come to a compromise.
Speaker 1: This is what I would say. I wait, hang on,
Speaker 1: let me have my compromise. My compromise is. What I
Speaker 1: would say is I would plead my case. If you
Speaker 1: really love it, maybe have a tear roll out and
Speaker 1: do what you have to do. I would use like
Speaker 1: a manipulate I'm joking. What I would do is say
Speaker 1: acually manipulate. The man said you can keep your painting
Speaker 1: in the hallway. Yeah, admit that, Okay, say I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: I of course I should have consulted you. They popped up.
Speaker 1: I was so excited. I'm so excited to be down
Speaker 1: your home. I just thought that would be great, and
Speaker 1: I didn't want the blank walls. One hundred percent agree
Speaker 1: that I should have consulted you, But I really really
Speaker 1: do love them. Can we keep them in the spare
Speaker 1: room or can we hang them at least in the
Speaker 1: hallway or somewhere there's not in the major space above
Speaker 1: the toilet. Yeah, can we put them in the basement,
Speaker 1: You can hang them in the wardrobe exactly. Can we
Speaker 1: put them in a space it's not so Maine in
Speaker 1: statement and together? Can we pick some art because I
Speaker 1: don't want this space bear And I think that that's
Speaker 1: a really happy meeting, because also relationships are about compromise. You still,
Speaker 1: if you forre off this artwork, he can meet you halfway.
Speaker 1: There's got to be a spare room or an office
Speaker 1: or a hallway that you can put them in and
Speaker 1: you can have some big statement art that you both
Speaker 1: pick together in the living room.
Speaker 2: I'm going to go deep, psychologically deep on this one.
Speaker 2: I'm thinking it's not actually even that much about the artwork.
Speaker 2: I think maybe, yeah, obviously he doesn't like the artwork,
Speaker 2: but I think it's actually more about the feelings of
Speaker 2: not being consulted, feeling like.
Speaker 1: Nah, he hasn't gone that day by I.
Speaker 2: If Matt went and picked something for our house and
Speaker 2: didn't ask me, I would feel like he didn't care
Speaker 2: about my opinion. And I think that that would make
Speaker 2: me feel a little bit irrelevant. And I'm thinking like
Speaker 2: there could be more to this It could be like
Speaker 2: some men are more sensitive than you think. It could
Speaker 2: be a feeling of like.
Speaker 1: Not being included.
Speaker 2: It could be a feeling of not feeling very respected,
Speaker 2: or like his onions or what he likes is liked
Speaker 2: by you. There just could be a little bit more
Speaker 2: loaded into this than it just being like I don't
Speaker 2: like that picture, because being like, no, you can't hang it,
Speaker 2: I'm going to take it down is a very extreme
Speaker 2: reaction to something.
Speaker 1: I think. I don't reckon he's gone that deep. I reckon.
Speaker 1: You know what, doing this podcast makes me think. I
Speaker 1: reckon over analyzed stuff. I reckon I am. I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna to my own horn. I reckon. I would be
Speaker 1: the best partner. Nothing bothers me, nothing like. I am
Speaker 1: so easy going in a relationship, no stress, no jealousy,
Speaker 1: no control. I don't overthink things. Everything service level. I
Speaker 1: think I'd be amazing because I don't think that there's
Speaker 1: anything deep here. I think it just doesn't like the art.
Speaker 1: If my partner did that, I'd be like, oh, let's
Speaker 1: just put in sparm don't love it, or like I'd
Speaker 1: come to compromise. I would. I don't know. Maybe I'm
Speaker 1: just different so maybe I can't answer this, but I
Speaker 1: think you can put you you love the art. It's
Speaker 1: your house too at the end of the day. So yes,
Speaker 1: maybe you agree on something that goes into the main.
Speaker 2: Room and you put it in another room, or sell
Speaker 2: it on Facebook marketplace and buy something together.
Speaker 1: That's what i'd recommend. No, she doesn't want to sell it.
Speaker 1: She said that she loves it. She really really loves
Speaker 1: the art. So it has to go somewhere, whether it's
Speaker 1: the attic or the basement, it goes. That art has
Speaker 1: been hung somewhere in that house and they can have
Speaker 1: something they love in the main room. That is also
Speaker 1: what relationships are people. They are about compromise. This is true.
Speaker 1: This is true. I want to know what happens with
Speaker 1: the art in like a week or two. Can you
Speaker 1: tell me what happens? Does he let you hang the
Speaker 1: art in another room of the house. That's what I
Speaker 1: want to know.
Speaker 2: I think it's interesting though, that it's the other way around,
Speaker 2: because I do also think that sometimes like women often
Speaker 2: get more of a say in the esthetic of the household,
Speaker 2: like women often get more of a say in like
Speaker 2: what ornaments are chosen or what like just the day course.
Speaker 2: So like playing into our gender stereotypes here, but like
Speaker 2: I definitely have had more like Matt is like Matt
Speaker 2: loves it. Like he will create a PowerPoint presentation of
Speaker 2: the furniture that we're going to buy, styles and together
Speaker 2: in a mood board.
Speaker 1: Actually I remember him doing that when you got the
Speaker 1: outdoor furniture. I was like he showed me. I was like, bro,
Speaker 1: just pick the chair. He was like, it's a gain
Speaker 1: share found.
Speaker 2: And that's also an incredibly considered person. It takes him
Speaker 2: a really long time to decide on something, so he
Speaker 2: always makes a PowerPoint.
Speaker 1: President like three months and thirty women to decide on
Speaker 1: you exactly.
Speaker 2: But we with like our pictures and stuff, like we
Speaker 2: have a we had used to have like a feature
Speaker 2: wall in our house. It was all different pictures and
Speaker 2: it took months for him to decide on that.
Speaker 1: I remember the wall.
Speaker 2: It got to a point where I was like, you
Speaker 2: just pick, I don't care anymore.
Speaker 1: But then when they arrived, I fucking cared and there
Speaker 1: was some no I love the cockatoo, it was some
Speaker 1: of the beach ones were a bit ugly. It's a
Speaker 1: great feature wall. Thanks, thanks well done, Matt. Well done, Matt. Anyway,
Speaker 1: that is it, guys, if you want your question answered,
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