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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, school holidays

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Speaker 1: they must be just the most fun time. I hope

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Speaker 1: you're enjoying your school holidays. This doctor Justin Coulson, I'm

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Speaker 1: the founder of Happy Families dot com dot you and

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Speaker 1: dad to six kids recently had some great conversations on

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Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast. Want to share some highlights from

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Speaker 1: the podcast with you now. We've had Alfie Kohne on

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Speaker 1: the podcast three or four times now and we had

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Speaker 1: a conversation in episode two hundred and forty nine about

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Speaker 1: his book Punished by Rewards, which is literally the book

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Speaker 1: that sent me back to university the study of psychology

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Speaker 1: so I could be a better parent. Punished by Rewards

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Speaker 1: literally changed my life, changed the game changed everything for me.

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Speaker 1: So while we were talking about his book, Punished by Rewards,

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Speaker 1: we talked about those things, those carrots and sticks, and

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Speaker 1: how they can really only work in the short term.

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Speaker 2: Instead of using sticks, use parrots instead of control by

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Speaker 2: making them suffer if they don't do what you want,

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Speaker 2: give them a doggie biscuit if they do do what

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Speaker 2: you want. But rewards are just the flip side of punishment.

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Speaker 2: So if I threaten to punish a kid, I'm saying

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Speaker 2: do this. Here's what I'm going to do to you.

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Speaker 2: If I reward children or offer to reward them, I'm saying,

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Speaker 2: do this and you'll get that. So in the first case,

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Speaker 2: with punishment, kids come to ask the question what do

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Speaker 2: they want me to do? And what happens to me

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Speaker 2: if I don't do it? If you offer a reward

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Speaker 2: for good behavior, which typically means mindlessly obedient, not generous

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Speaker 2: or thoughtful, but then the question kids come to ask

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Speaker 2: is what do they want me to do and what

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Speaker 2: do I get for doing it? And so the research

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Speaker 2: is very clear that rewards like punishments, can only get

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Speaker 2: temporary compliance, and in both cases they retard moral and

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Speaker 2: social and intellectual development, because we have hundreds of studies

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Speaker 2: showing that the more you reward people for doing something,

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Speaker 2: the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they

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Speaker 2: had to do to get the reward. So, on the

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Speaker 2: one hand, if you want to destroy children's interest in reading,

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Speaker 2: for example, you would offer a prize for reading a book,

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Speaker 2: because now you've taught them that reading is something you

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Speaker 2: would never want to do and it becomes devalued. They say, well,

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Speaker 2: you know, if this was so much fun, they wouldn't

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Speaker 2: have to bribe me to do it. But the other

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Speaker 2: reason that it devalues, that that kids lose interest in

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Speaker 2: whatever they're rewarded for doing, is because it's control. If

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Speaker 2: I punish a kid for doing something, it's obvious I'm

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Speaker 2: controlling them. But what a lot of parents don't realize

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Speaker 2: is if they reward kids, and that includes verbal rewards

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Speaker 2: like good job, I really like THEWAYU dot dot dot,

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Speaker 2: this is just a verbal doggy biscuit, and all rewards

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Speaker 2: are just sugar coated control, and kids don't like being controlled.

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Speaker 1: That's Alfie Cone Kohn Alfie Cone and a discussion about

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Speaker 1: his book Punished by Rewards. You can hear the whole

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Speaker 1: episode at episode number two hundred and forty nine at

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Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast. Neurodiverse children are beautiful, but they

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Speaker 1: also bring unique challenges for parents and educators. The world

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Speaker 1: does not always accommodate them easily or well. Communication, affection, behavior, learning,

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Speaker 1: and almost every other aspect of life can be challenging

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Speaker 1: for the child and their families. The webinar A Parent's

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Speaker 1: Guide to autism by leading autism expert Michelle Garnett can

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Speaker 1: help parents and educators strengthen the bond with their autistic

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Speaker 1: children for better outcomes for children and families. A Parent's

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Speaker 1: Guide to Autism is available at Happy Families dot com

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Speaker 1: dot au. Well, that just about wraps up the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families podcast for today, But just before we finish things off,

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Speaker 1: I need to let you know about the books that

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Speaker 1: I've written that can make such a difference in your

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Speaker 1: family's life. There's twenty one Days to a Happier Family,

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Speaker 1: which is online wherever you buy your books, or in

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Speaker 1: bookstores as well. Twenty one Days to a Happier Family

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Speaker 1: is about how you can create habits to make your

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Speaker 1: family happier. One of the best selling books on resilience

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Speaker 1: over the last handful of years has been Nine Ways

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Speaker 1: to a Resilient Child. Nine Ways to a Resilient Child

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Speaker 1: is a book that I wrote that's designed to help

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Speaker 1: you to understand all of the things that we might

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Speaker 1: be doing that undermine our kids' resilience and find ways

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Speaker 1: that we can boost their resilience. Right back up, the

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Speaker 1: book that I think is my parenting bible, the one

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Speaker 1: that I recommend to everyone if you've got a young

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Speaker 1: family is Ten Things Every Parent needs to Know. In

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Speaker 1: that book, you will discover what to do about getting

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Speaker 1: on the same page as your partner, how you can

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Speaker 1: discipline your children effectively, what to do about screen time,

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Speaker 1: how you can manage sibling rivalry. The list goes on

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Speaker 1: and on, and the one that I'm most proud of

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Speaker 1: all is Misconnection. Misconnection Way your teenage daughter hate you,

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Speaker 1: expects the world and needs to talk. If you've got

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Speaker 1: tween or teen girls, this is the book that considers

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Speaker 1: all of the big issues when it comes to raising

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Speaker 1: tween and teen girls. I'd love for you to check

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Speaker 1: those books out and more. They're all available at Happy

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Speaker 1: families dot com, dot au or wherever you buy your books.

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Speaker 1: Twenty one Days to a Happier Family, Nine Ways to

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Speaker 1: a Resilient Child, miss Connection, and ten Things Every Parent

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Speaker 1: Needs to Know. Oh and my seventh book is coming

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Speaker 1: out soon. More details in the next few weeks on

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Speaker 1: that one. It's especially for dad's expecting that can't wait

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Speaker 1: for you to discover more about that soon. The Happy

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Speaker 1: Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.

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Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and if you'd like

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Speaker 1: more info about making your family happier, check out those

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Speaker 1: books Happy families dot com dot you, or just visit

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Speaker 1: the website, have a look at the articles, the blogs,

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Speaker 1: and keep on listening to the Happy Families podcast