1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,039
Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Family's podcast. There is a

2
00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:15,120
Speaker 1: charity called Fathers of Only Girls the Fogs Fogs. Fogs, Well,

3
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:16,880
Speaker 1: fathers of only Girls the fogs.

4
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:20,560
Speaker 2: You don't have a capital of a small word.

5
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:24,599
Speaker 1: Like of Oh so it's fogs. So yeah, it's not

6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,720
Speaker 1: it's not to fogs or any fogs. You're all right.

7
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,760
Speaker 1: There's a charity out there called Fathers of Other Girls.

8
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,560
Speaker 2: You're just franky because you didn't speak.

9
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,519
Speaker 1: I was speaking somewhere else that day and you got

10
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,760
Speaker 1: the invite Kylie to speak to how many was it

11
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:39,320
Speaker 1: two hundred?

12
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,120
Speaker 2: And I was about two hundred and seventy men in

13
00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:41,760
Speaker 2: the seats there.

14
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,200
Speaker 1: Two hundred and seventy men in Brisbane Down.

15
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,760
Speaker 2: I shared the stage with Rebecca Sparrow.

16
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:50,680
Speaker 1: Which is always a delight. Yeah, fantastic. So you spoke

17
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,199
Speaker 1: to two hundred and seventy men at the FOG's.

18
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,520
Speaker 2: Charity Lunch, annual charity lunch.

19
00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,360
Speaker 1: And gave a talk that made people cry. People for

20
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:03,600
Speaker 1: wonderful And we thought today on a Happy Families podcast

21
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,760
Speaker 1: rather than doing a usual podcast, even though this was

22
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,520
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago. We had a spot we

23
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,320
Speaker 1: can slot it in here, and we thought that we

24
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,839
Speaker 1: would get you to share your talk on the pod

25
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,160
Speaker 1: so everyone can hear the amazing stuff that you shared

26
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,280
Speaker 1: and the reason that Rebecca Sparrow gave you five stars.

27
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:22,720
Speaker 1: So that's coming up next to stay with us. Hello,

28
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,440
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, Real parenting Solutions every

29
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:28,120
Speaker 1: single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are

30
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,080
Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson. And today on the pod, Kylie

31
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:35,440
Speaker 1: is going to share her talk from the Fogs Annual Lunch.

32
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,119
Speaker 1: The Fogs, Yeah, the Fathers of Girls Annual Lunch, two

33
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,399
Speaker 1: hundred and seventy men sitting in a bar in Brisbane

34
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:46,120
Speaker 1: listen to missus Happy Families Kylie, as she shared the following.

35
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,880
Speaker 2: It's eight thirty on a Wednesday. One kid is homesick

36
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,080
Speaker 2: in bed, the others are at school, and my husband

37
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,760
Speaker 2: should be at work chipping away at a deadline that's

38
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,520
Speaker 2: already passed you, but instead is here wrapping his arms

39
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,360
Speaker 2: around me while I push him away. I'm fine, I

40
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:06,520
Speaker 2: tell him I don't need your help, but I'm not fine. Now,

41
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,239
Speaker 2: before we go further, I need to tell you something.

42
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,280
Speaker 2: I'm sure you've worked it out, but I'm not a

43
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,959
Speaker 2: father of daughters. I'm the wife in this story, the mother.

44
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,919
Speaker 2: But what happened that Wednesday morning changed me, and I

45
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,160
Speaker 2: believe is one of the most important lessons you can

46
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:22,200
Speaker 2: teach your daughters. So stay with me that morning. My husband,

47
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:25,760
Speaker 2: he senses the distance growing between us. Emotions are close

48
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,200
Speaker 2: to the surface, but I haven't actually taken the time

49
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:32,440
Speaker 2: to understand how I'm feeling. I know the why his

50
00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:35,680
Speaker 2: workload is so intense right now, and I feel unimportant.

51
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,839
Speaker 2: I think I feel sad, but I'm learning that that's

52
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:41,480
Speaker 2: just the surface stuff, and if I don't dig deep enough,

53
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:45,000
Speaker 2: these feelings can eat me alive. So as uncomfortable and

54
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,280
Speaker 2: foreign as it is for me, I choose to lean in.

55
00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:50,840
Speaker 2: I choose to be held. I choose to get curious,

56
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,200
Speaker 2: and I choose to share the hard and ugly truth

57
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:58,680
Speaker 2: with him, my truth. The truth is I am deeply sad.

58
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,040
Speaker 2: He's my best friend, the one I want to spend

59
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:04,200
Speaker 2: every waking moment with, but someone has to pay the bills,

60
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:07,960
Speaker 2: and in our relationship it's him. But when I dig deeper,

61
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:13,799
Speaker 2: there's still more. I'm mad. No, I'm jealous, jealous of

62
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,000
Speaker 2: the time he spends in his head in his books,

63
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,400
Speaker 2: on the screen, jealous of all he gives to others,

64
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,320
Speaker 2: mad that he loves what he does so much he

65
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,600
Speaker 2: often bites off more than he can chew, leaving little

66
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,399
Speaker 2: time for me, and all the while, as I try

67
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,359
Speaker 2: on these emotions tentatively, like a newly made garment, I'm

68
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,760
Speaker 2: not sure if it's quite right. As I clumsily try

69
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,560
Speaker 2: to express how I'm feeling, he just holds me. My

70
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,600
Speaker 2: back pressed against his chest, enables me to keep sharing,

71
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,520
Speaker 2: undaunted by what he might see. If our eyes connect,

72
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,080
Speaker 2: I can feel the steady beat of his heart, and

73
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,680
Speaker 2: I pause, searching deeper, still wondering if I've reached the

74
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,520
Speaker 2: bottom of the well. But there's more in his distraction.

75
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,480
Speaker 2: I sometimes feel unseen, and I'm afraid, afraid that, after

76
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,640
Speaker 2: twenty five years together, in a body that has morphed

77
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,960
Speaker 2: more times than I can count, that maybe I'm not

78
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:05,119
Speaker 2: enough anymore, enough to pique his interest, enough to keep

79
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,560
Speaker 2: his interest. I search the far reaches of my mind.

80
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,400
Speaker 2: I can sense its presence before I even name it.

81
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,800
Speaker 2: I'm not sure I want to go there, though it

82
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:19,560
Speaker 2: feels all encompassing, dark, heavy, and ugly, But his reassuring

83
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,760
Speaker 2: presence gives me courage to press on on top of

84
00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:26,960
Speaker 2: it all. I feel enormous guilt. Guilty that, with all

85
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,280
Speaker 2: he has on his plate right now, knowing intimately the

86
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,960
Speaker 2: weight of everything he is carrying, I am adding to

87
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,040
Speaker 2: his already heavy load. Guilty that what he offers me

88
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,320
Speaker 2: right now is not enough for me, that I can't

89
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,800
Speaker 2: rest in all we have shared before, knowing that this

90
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,440
Speaker 2: is just a small season and time, and there is

91
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,799
Speaker 2: so much more in store for us to share. Guilty

92
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,599
Speaker 2: because he has proven in countless ways each and every

93
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,120
Speaker 2: day we've shared together that I am the love of

94
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,760
Speaker 2: his life and he would literally move heaven and earth

95
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,640
Speaker 2: to be by my side. Guilty that I would find

96
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,200
Speaker 2: fault in his growing desire to make a difference in

97
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,120
Speaker 2: the world, that I would get in the way of

98
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,480
Speaker 2: the great work he is doing and helping families find

99
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,200
Speaker 2: hope in a world that often paints a dismal picture

100
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,640
Speaker 2: of the realities of family life. Guilty that I am

101
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,680
Speaker 2: unable to offer him grace for one more day, a

102
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:19,560
Speaker 2: small moment in time, because huh, I miss him. The

103
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:23,040
Speaker 2: reality is I miss him, I miss us, I miss

104
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:27,080
Speaker 2: life as I know it. At this moment, life is

105
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,240
Speaker 2: a foreign land we have visited before, and I am

106
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,920
Speaker 2: reminded of all I hate about it, the way it

107
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,960
Speaker 2: pulls you in and traps you in its wake for days, weeks,

108
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,720
Speaker 2: months on end, no ability to look to the left

109
00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:40,080
Speaker 2: or the right, as one has drawn almost against their

110
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,800
Speaker 2: will by the light at the end of the tunnel.

111
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,040
Speaker 2: But something amazing happens when I speak my truth, not

112
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,280
Speaker 2: out of anger, not needing him to fix it, but

113
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,760
Speaker 2: just acknowledging it's all there, spoken out loud. Their presence

114
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,520
Speaker 2: is no longer overwhelming, their power fading with every passing breath,

115
00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,120
Speaker 2: And as I lay there, entangled in his eyes, I

116
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:06,960
Speaker 2: feel as love, soothing, reassuring, and real. The beast of emotion,

117
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:12,760
Speaker 2: left untamed and unnamed, can easily swallow us whole. But

118
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,880
Speaker 2: having the courage to draw it out of the deep

119
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,599
Speaker 2: crevices of one's mind and shed the light of day

120
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,239
Speaker 2: on it is like turning the light on and watching

121
00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:22,360
Speaker 2: the shadows of night that left you cowering as a

122
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:27,839
Speaker 2: child under the covers disappear in an instant. In his arms,

123
00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:33,520
Speaker 2: I feel his love, soothing, reassuring, real, and for the

124
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,039
Speaker 2: first time since I started sharing, I notice my heart

125
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,320
Speaker 2: beating in time with his as one as it should be.

126
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,680
Speaker 2: I think back to that day and I can't help

127
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,400
Speaker 2: but feel in awe of all my husband was in

128
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,560
Speaker 2: that moment. He could have got on defensive, He could

129
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,120
Speaker 2: have dismissed my feelings or walked out, but he didn't.

130
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:59,919
Speaker 2: He recognized that my expressions were just my feelings, not true.

131
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,000
Speaker 2: He understood this had very little to do with him,

132
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,200
Speaker 2: and everything to do with how I was responding to

133
00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:09,560
Speaker 2: my world in that moment. When I told him to

134
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,520
Speaker 2: leave me alone, that I didn't want his help, he

135
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,440
Speaker 2: chose to wrap his arms around me, and I let him.

136
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:19,280
Speaker 2: It was a long, slow morning that day, but it

137
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,520
Speaker 2: changed everything. The deadline was still looming and there was

138
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,400
Speaker 2: still not enough time for us, but it changed us.

139
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:29,840
Speaker 2: We reconnected with our truth each and every day. We

140
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:34,080
Speaker 2: choose each other and we know that nothing, no problem,

141
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:38,760
Speaker 2: no challenge, no big emotion, can ever change one simple truth.

142
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:44,400
Speaker 2: We love each other no matter what. That day, cradled

143
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:47,160
Speaker 2: in my husband's arms taunt me that my emotions, all

144
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:50,280
Speaker 2: of them, the big, the bad, and the ugly, were

145
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:54,600
Speaker 2: safe with him. I was safe with him, and after

146
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,840
Speaker 2: we both came to an understanding of what was really

147
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,880
Speaker 2: at the heart of all of that, we left stronger

148
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:04,080
Speaker 2: for having shared it together. So you ask, what can

149
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,720
Speaker 2: you do to help your daughters navigate a world of uncertainty,

150
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,000
Speaker 2: a world that tells them that they're too much, that

151
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,680
Speaker 2: they're not enough, that they can be anything they want,

152
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:18,920
Speaker 2: but just not that. My simple answer is love her, mum.

153
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:23,040
Speaker 2: I don't pretend to know the nuance of your particular relationship,

154
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,240
Speaker 2: and for some this may actually seem near impossible. But

155
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,920
Speaker 2: the safeguard is not in what you say, it's in

156
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,640
Speaker 2: what you do. She's watching you, even when you think

157
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,439
Speaker 2: she's self absorbed and uninterested. She's watching. Your daughter is

158
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,679
Speaker 2: learning what emotional safety looks like by watching the way

159
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,839
Speaker 2: you treat her mother when she's drowning in her own

160
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,920
Speaker 2: intoxicating cocktail of emotions, at fifteen, at twenty five, at

161
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,480
Speaker 2: thirty five. Who taught her that feelings can be expressed

162
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:54,480
Speaker 2: and held without fixing or fleeing? You did through your

163
00:08:54,559 --> 00:08:57,960
Speaker 2: example of holding safe space and place for her mother's

164
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,920
Speaker 2: big emotions. The fact that you gather together at this

165
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,160
Speaker 2: time every year tells me there is no one who

166
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,760
Speaker 2: will ever love her the way you do. No one.

167
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:10,160
Speaker 2: She is pleash of your flesh, blood, of your blood.

168
00:09:10,559 --> 00:09:13,920
Speaker 2: You would literally give your life for her. You are

169
00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:17,400
Speaker 2: giving your life for her. But when her day gets

170
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,160
Speaker 2: overwhelming like mine did that day, who do you want

171
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,839
Speaker 2: her to talk to? Some boy who thinks he knows

172
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,400
Speaker 2: how to fix all her problems without any listening skills

173
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,560
Speaker 2: at all, or her dad, the one man in her

174
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:32,120
Speaker 2: life who makes her feel safer and stronger when she's

175
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,760
Speaker 2: sixteen and overwhelmed, when she's twenty eight and heart broken,

176
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,200
Speaker 2: when she's forty and lost. Who do you want her

177
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:43,000
Speaker 2: to turn to? The Truth is that one day she's

178
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,400
Speaker 2: going to find her person, her one and only, the

179
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,480
Speaker 2: love of her life, and you will take a back

180
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,079
Speaker 2: seat to him or her. That's truth, and that's the

181
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:53,880
Speaker 2: way it should be. But you will have also taught

182
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,599
Speaker 2: her what to look for, someone who holds space for

183
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,640
Speaker 2: her in all her seasons, who helps her feel safer,

184
00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:04,319
Speaker 2: and who loves her no matter what. Sometimes, the most

185
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,839
Speaker 2: effective parenting we will ever do has nothing to do

186
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,160
Speaker 2: with our children at all, and everything to do with

187
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,920
Speaker 2: the person we choose to be. Just like my husband

188
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,040
Speaker 2: did for me that day and for my girls on

189
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:18,160
Speaker 2: countless other occasions, be the man who shows her each

190
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,400
Speaker 2: and every single day through the way you love her mother,

191
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,000
Speaker 2: that all of her, the big, the bad, and the ugly,

192
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:27,760
Speaker 2: make up the glorious human that she is. For all

193
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,400
Speaker 2: the women in your life, be that man.

194
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,079
Speaker 1: Great stuff, Kyle, great stuff, And thanks for being so

195
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,120
Speaker 1: nice to me. I didn't realize that I featured so

196
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:43,280
Speaker 1: prominently very nice. They loved it. I hear that they

197
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,319
Speaker 1: thought it was fantastic, and you gave them plenty to

198
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:49,320
Speaker 1: think about. There's a great a great sentiment, a great quote.

199
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,040
Speaker 2: I don't know what it is.

200
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,880
Speaker 1: I heard it years and years ago. The most important

201
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,120
Speaker 1: thing that a man can do for his children is

202
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,079
Speaker 1: to love their mother. And I feel like you encapsulated

203
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,760
Speaker 1: that really, really nicely. So if you're a father of

204
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,559
Speaker 1: other girls and you listen to the poor, get in

205
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,760
Speaker 1: touch with them, join the organization, make a commitment to

206
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,839
Speaker 1: support the charity, but also to support your daughter. And

207
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,040
Speaker 1: if you're not well, hopefully that was fun anyway, Hopefully

208
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,880
Speaker 1: youve got heaps out of it. I think there's loads

209
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,320
Speaker 1: of really important content there to help to make your

210
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:13,960
Speaker 1: family happier.

211
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,280
Speaker 2: Thanks Son, no worries.

212
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,160
Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast will be back tomorrow and it's

213
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:21,320
Speaker 1: produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Mediamhammits provides research, adamin

214
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,199
Speaker 1: and other support, and if you would like more and

215
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,600
Speaker 1: fo about making your family happier, visit us at happy

216
00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:27,080
Speaker 1: families dot com dot au