Speaker 1: Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout
Speaker 1: Australia and their connections to land.
Speaker 2: Sea and community.
Speaker 1: We pay our respect to their elders past and present
Speaker 1: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait
Speaker 1: islander people's today.
Speaker 3: This episode is recorded on Gadigal Land of the Aurora Nation.
Speaker 3: Hi guys, and a welcome back to another episode of
Speaker 3: Life Uncut.
Speaker 2: I'm Laura and I'm Brittany. How's that. We just tried
Speaker 2: to record this intro and I forgot my name. You
Speaker 2: just went silent. Hi guys, I'm Laura and it was
Speaker 2: like it was like I literally looked at you and
Speaker 2: I was like, what's my name again? I think I've
Speaker 2: still got that coked my name? Help that off? You
Speaker 2: know how?
Speaker 1: I said, when I make any mistake for the foreseeable future,
Speaker 1: maybe a year, maybe two years, I'm going to blame
Speaker 1: it on like that COVID brain fog.
Speaker 2: That's what that was. I don't know how long you
Speaker 2: get the COVID card for. I'm not going to put
Speaker 2: a time limit on things. Yeah, just keep running with it.
Speaker 2: It's too babe. If recovers at a different rate.
Speaker 3: Laura, do you know what I think it actually is.
Speaker 3: I think that you forgetting is an indication that we are.
Speaker 1: Going on holidays, an indication that we need a break.
Speaker 3: This is our very last episode of Life on Card
Speaker 3: before we take a mini break. We're going away for
Speaker 3: the majority of July, and we thought, instead of doing
Speaker 3: our normal traditional Tuesday episode, what we wanted to leave
Speaker 3: you with was a solid fucking laugh.
Speaker 2: We wanted to finish on a high. And do you
Speaker 2: know what I love, Laura.
Speaker 1: I love that we're like, it's our last episode for
Speaker 1: a while, we're finishing.
Speaker 2: On a high.
Speaker 3: We're dropping a bonus episode in two weeks. Oh yeah,
Speaker 3: we've got an aftermath coming. But we are actually taking
Speaker 3: a break. We're not going to be recording. We're going
Speaker 3: to be in Bali. I'm going to be sipping on
Speaker 3: a green juice, yeah, chucking it.
Speaker 2: Down on dry July, doing dry July. I am going
Speaker 2: to courage you.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna support you. I'm gonna hold your hand through
Speaker 1: it as I drink a margarita. You're doing, Yes, Brittany's
Speaker 1: doing Margarita July. It's going to be a very different experience.
Speaker 1: I also think Matt is going to be doing margarita July.
Speaker 1: So I picked a terrible time. But you know what,
Speaker 1: it's all for good cause. Can I tell you something please,
Speaker 1: now's the time I throw the word margarita around.
Speaker 2: You don't even like them.
Speaker 1: I hate margaritas. I throw it around when you want
Speaker 1: to make it. When you're making a joke about going
Speaker 1: for a drink. For some reason, a margarita rolls off
Speaker 1: your tongue. You're like, let's go have for Margie.
Speaker 2: Like, I'm gonna whatever. I hate margaritas. I will not
Speaker 2: drink them.
Speaker 3: My sister goes to town on them, so we can't
Speaker 3: ever do those two for one, you say it just
Speaker 3: to fit in. I personally, I love a margaretaita. I
Speaker 3: love a bit of tequila feels good for me. Some
Speaker 3: people it makes them real crazy, and for me it
Speaker 3: makes me a bit of fun.
Speaker 2: Time.
Speaker 1: Just I have an association back to like my teenage years,
Speaker 1: and I can't shake it. And I'm a lot older
Speaker 1: than those teenage years. A lot of time has passed,
Speaker 1: but it's not for me. I'm more of a I'm
Speaker 1: an amorotas sour actually Martini. I'm fancy like, if I'm
Speaker 1: going to have a cocktail, there might to gojus.
Speaker 2: But anyway, that was a very irrelevant piece of information.
Speaker 1: I wonder out of curiosity what a pole would be
Speaker 1: like for who's pro margarita and who's not, because I
Speaker 1: feel like a margarite is a drink everyone thinks everyone likes.
Speaker 3: No, I think that you're on the outer I think
Speaker 3: everyone does like a margarita.
Speaker 2: Yeah everyone, Maybe we'll throw that up.
Speaker 1: But before we get in, we do have this episode
Speaker 1: that is going to be very, very funny.
Speaker 3: We've got some crazy dating story. We put a call out.
Speaker 3: We wanted to know what are your most cooked, most hilarious,
Speaker 3: What are just the dating fuck ups that have happened
Speaker 3: to you recently because we did this call out a
Speaker 3: couple of years ago, and my god, some of the
Speaker 3: stories we got last time were very funny.
Speaker 2: And this time you did not disappoint Himes. You have
Speaker 2: not let us down.
Speaker 1: You really made us feel better about our past. Before
Speaker 1: we get into those stories, we do wanted to say
Speaker 1: thank you. This episode is brought to you by Mermaid Hair. Now,
Speaker 1: I if you've been probably be for a long time,
Speaker 1: you know that I have a lot of waves in
Speaker 1: my hair. I have been using Mermaid Hair for a
Speaker 1: very very long time, and they have just released a
Speaker 1: brand new product called the style Ond, which is like
Speaker 1: the ultimate Mermaid hair tool. It is a three in one,
Speaker 1: so just one tool, but you can change the tops
Speaker 1: to three different attachments, so you can have like big curls,
Speaker 1: smaller curls, or the waves. So it depends on if
Speaker 1: you want to be fancy or not. But this is brilliant.
Speaker 1: You take one wander away with you. Now you have
Speaker 1: one wand at home with a three tops.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 3: Perfect if you're going on holidays, but also very very convenient.
Speaker 3: But guys, we have some I am so excited. Laura,
Speaker 3: settle down, No, don't settle down.
Speaker 2: It's true.
Speaker 1: We have some absolutely huge news.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: You might have heard us over the last couple of months,
Speaker 1: maybe sometimes on social sometimes on the podcast. We've been
Speaker 1: alluding to the fact that we had an announcement coming,
Speaker 1: that we had been working really hard on a little
Speaker 1: project together, a little baby for a very very long time.
Speaker 1: Well the time has come, the time has finally come
Speaker 1: that we are allowed.
Speaker 3: To I tell you, I mean, if you follow us
Speaker 3: on Instagram, you already know, but if you don't, then.
Speaker 2: This could be news to you.
Speaker 3: We wrote a book and we had to write it together,
Speaker 3: and we had to say it together.
Speaker 2: Because we wrote it together.
Speaker 1: I can't believe that we are, as of a couple
Speaker 1: of days ago, we are authors. We have written well,
Speaker 1: I mean we're not yet. It's not published, but it
Speaker 1: is coming out, and so we got to announce on
Speaker 1: Friday last week. We've got to announce that we've written
Speaker 1: this book. It is called We Love Love, which I
Speaker 1: think is I'm sorry, let's just talk about the name
Speaker 1: for a second. That is so abtolutely named. When we
Speaker 1: were thinking about what we could call it, it just
Speaker 1: nothing else made sense like it had for us. It
Speaker 1: had to be we Love Love. It's such a big
Speaker 1: part of life on cart from day one, we all
Speaker 1: do love love. So I just I'm obsessed with the
Speaker 1: title We Love Love. Just so you guys know, it's
Speaker 1: available for pre purchase. We can put all the links
Speaker 1: in the show notes and everything. It was written as
Speaker 1: kind of a summation of the podcast, and now there
Speaker 1: are very very different topics and conversations that we have
Speaker 1: which from the podcast. It's not a regurgitation we do
Speaker 1: cover some of the same concepts, but at the same time,
Speaker 1: there's lots of new stories that we haven't shared. And
Speaker 1: it was a really personal and very vulnerable experience putting
Speaker 1: all of these things down onto and into the written word.
Speaker 1: How do you feel now that it is all done
Speaker 1: and like the process of it is finished and it
Speaker 1: is coming out in October for everybody. I mean, it's
Speaker 1: been such a long time coming. Laura and I have
Speaker 1: been working on this idea. It must be nearly eighteen
Speaker 1: months now, do you think, Laura, it's been a fair
Speaker 1: while coming.
Speaker 3: We signed the contract for this book, and this is
Speaker 3: a secret that we've been keeping since Lola was two
Speaker 3: weeks old.
Speaker 2: That's when it all kind of went down.
Speaker 3: I remember we went to the meeting and I had
Speaker 3: new born Lola like strapped to my chest. And originally
Speaker 3: we thought we could get it done in the first
Speaker 3: six months, and that definitely was not the case. And
Speaker 3: it's taken us a little bit longer than what we expected,
Speaker 3: but it was It's been.
Speaker 1: A real process. It's been a real journey. There's been
Speaker 1: some ups and some downs. There's been a lot of tears,
Speaker 1: have been after there's been it's been.
Speaker 2: Some really beautiful moments we've shared.
Speaker 1: It feels very like a weight off our shoulder now
Speaker 1: that we're at the end, and we're at a really
Speaker 1: fun part now because we can look back at what
Speaker 1: we've put down and the reason we wanted to do this,
Speaker 1: Like Laura said, this is going to be like an
Speaker 1: encyclopedia of life. We wanted to make a one stop
Speaker 1: shop of all the things we have thought are important
Speaker 1: enough to bring to you over the years. And it
Speaker 1: has been over three years now and.
Speaker 3: Over three hundred episodes.
Speaker 1: We were like, how can we try and pick out
Speaker 1: these parts that have really meant something to us, the
Speaker 1: parts that are important, the parts that you guys have
Speaker 1: resonated with, and how can we try and make it
Speaker 1: this one stop shop that you guys can go.
Speaker 2: To whenever you want.
Speaker 3: You can flick through to any chapter at a time,
Speaker 3: you don't have to read it from front to back
Speaker 3: if you don't want to.
Speaker 1: And this is what we've created, and it's something that
Speaker 1: we're really really proud of and we're really really excited
Speaker 1: to bring this to you and we hope you guys
Speaker 1: love it.
Speaker 3: And also, like what on what brit said in terms
Speaker 3: of that, in terms of like not having to read
Speaker 3: it from back to front. So the way that the
Speaker 3: book is structured is it's an A to Z we
Speaker 3: cover of life. It's an A to Z handbook on life. Now,
Speaker 3: as we've always said, do not pretend to have the answers.
Speaker 3: We do not pretend to be the experts. But we
Speaker 3: have interviewed so many people, and we have had so
Speaker 3: many conversations around really big life topics, and some of
Speaker 3: the conversations that have truly changed our lives are the
Speaker 3: ones that have made it into the book. But then
Speaker 3: also just there are things in there, and there are
Speaker 3: stories that we haven't shared yet, and I think that
Speaker 3: that's really the big part. Some of them are stories
Speaker 3: that are almost too personal to share on a podcast
Speaker 3: for fear of them being re regurgitated by the media.
Speaker 2: And we all know that.
Speaker 3: Sometimes when you speak or say a certain thing and
Speaker 3: then it's re regurgitated into print and it loses inflection,
Speaker 3: it loses the tone in which it was said, it
Speaker 3: can have a very different meaning. And I guess there's
Speaker 3: been some stories that we haven't shared yet because for us,
Speaker 3: we were like the fear of them being regurgitated by
Speaker 3: the media were just too great. So that's the home
Speaker 3: for those stories as well. Down and it feels like
Speaker 3: a really safe space. And I love that you can
Speaker 3: go or I'm going through a breakup, I want to
Speaker 3: read a chapter on that. Hey, I want to read
Speaker 3: a really fucking funny chapter about nudes. I want to
Speaker 3: read a lighthearted chapter about kinks. There are so many
Speaker 3: different topics that are covered in this book, and each
Speaker 3: one is a mini essay, and I think that every
Speaker 3: single one of you are going to get something out
Speaker 3: of it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And because we wrote it over such a long time,
Speaker 1: a lot has happened in that time for us, like
Speaker 1: a lot of transitioning and a lot of you know,
Speaker 1: Lola was just born. For me, it was very hard
Speaker 1: because I'm not about to cry talking about it. But
Speaker 1: like I started the book in love, Like I started
Speaker 1: the book in a really great place and it was
Speaker 1: beautiful to write about that, and I wrote about that,
Speaker 1: and then halfway through the book, things took a turn
Speaker 1: and I had to change a lot of what I
Speaker 1: wrote and I had to really reassess my feeling and
Speaker 1: I put a lot of that down.
Speaker 2: So I put a lot of.
Speaker 1: That in there, and so that journey's in there for
Speaker 1: me and some things I haven't spoken about.
Speaker 2: In that sense, it was a.
Speaker 1: Wild ride for the last and I'm literally trying to
Speaker 1: pull my eye out thinking about it. But it was
Speaker 1: like to be going through something really horrific and trying
Speaker 1: to put that down on paper and trying to get
Speaker 1: a job done as well. And Laura, I know that,
Speaker 1: like you've gone through so much in the last eighteen
Speaker 1: months too, and I think for both of us to
Speaker 1: be able to be jotting those down as we go
Speaker 1: was it was something really special and I think it's
Speaker 1: something that we're both really proud of.
Speaker 3: I guess like in terms of your story, brit like
Speaker 3: there's so much between, Like falling in love and love
Speaker 3: and relationships has been such a big cornerstone of what
Speaker 3: this podcast is, but so has navigating heartbreak, and so
Speaker 3: has like navigating breakups, and a lot of the conversations
Speaker 3: that you have brought to the table in the book
Speaker 3: are in real time, and I really do, like I said,
Speaker 3: I feel like you guys are going to get so much.
Speaker 2: I hope that you love it. I hope that you go.
Speaker 3: And we'll put the links like we said to the
Speaker 3: pre order, we hope that you go and buy it.
Speaker 2: It will be available for you in October.
Speaker 3: But the pre order will give us an understanding of
Speaker 3: how many books that we actually have to make, so
Speaker 3: it's not a situation like the Jumpers where we all
Speaker 3: sell out in the space of a couple of days.
Speaker 2: No, it would mean a lot.
Speaker 3: To us if you, guys, if you know that you
Speaker 3: will read the book, or that you want to buy
Speaker 3: the book, it would mean a lot if you did
Speaker 3: pre order it with the link here instead of waiting
Speaker 3: for it to come out, because that way we can
Speaker 3: ensure that we do have what we need out. We'll
Speaker 3: print you on and Delilah won't eat it because that
Speaker 3: certainly happened to our one. Oh my god, but we're
Speaker 3: going to do And like when we come back from break,
Speaker 3: we just wanted to make you aware of this. Like
Speaker 3: I said it, it's a project that we're both super
Speaker 3: proud of. But when we come back from break and
Speaker 3: we have our first episode back after our time out,
Speaker 3: we're going to kind of spend a bit more time
Speaker 3: going through what is and how did the book work
Speaker 3: and the process and all of that will be the
Speaker 3: conversation we'll have in our first episode back, and we're
Speaker 3: going to have.
Speaker 1: Some exciting things around the book released too, but we'll
Speaker 1: talk about that at.
Speaker 2: A later live shows.
Speaker 3: I mean potentially, I mean unless yeah, let's not put
Speaker 3: that out there yet.
Speaker 2: It could be a surprise, but I dreams victure.
Speaker 3: All right, now, there is something and there is a
Speaker 3: reason why we wanted to do this episode around dating
Speaker 3: disaster stories. There is an article that has come out
Speaker 3: about Kendall Jenna.
Speaker 1: Hats off to Kenell Jenner. Okay, Kendall Jenna, if you're
Speaker 1: following the news. I really like Kendall because she's always a.
Speaker 2: Big because you know her personally.
Speaker 1: No, but I mean, like out of the I never
Speaker 1: was a Kardashian show watcher, keeping up with the Kardashians.
Speaker 1: I never really got into it sporadically watched a few episodes,
Speaker 1: But I mean, Kendall is beautiful, but she's quite reserved
Speaker 1: and shy. She often speaks about issues.
Speaker 3: Except for that time that she showed up at a
Speaker 3: friend's wedding like wearing a handkerchief tied by a piece
Speaker 3: of elastic. Very reserved and shy, yes.
Speaker 2: Super shy. Such an introvert cue.
Speaker 1: But Laura, I want to show you because I know
Speaker 1: you haven't seen this yet. Kendall recently, unfortunately, this isn't
Speaker 1: the good part. But she did break up with her partner.
Speaker 1: She's been with a partner for a couple of years.
Speaker 1: He's a basketball player. His name's Devon. They're pretty quiet,
Speaker 1: but they do share photos together and they do show
Speaker 1: that they're in love and they were happy, and I
Speaker 1: think she's the only one that didn't really have the
Speaker 1: happy ending out of her family, so everyone was like
Speaker 1: rooting for them to get married and have kids.
Speaker 2: They broke up very unfortunately.
Speaker 1: If there is ever a breakup post that screams like
Speaker 1: I've broken up on I'm single, Kendall just nailed it.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to show you her first post post
Speaker 1: breakup to her two hundred and forty five million followers,
Speaker 1: is this, Laura, describe what you've see.
Speaker 2: Oh it's a full nude. Oh it's a nude.
Speaker 1: Oh.
Speaker 3: Kendael Jenna is single, ladies and gentlemen, and she wants
Speaker 3: you to know about it.
Speaker 2: She is okay, I'm has described this to you. I
Speaker 2: mean I'm here for it.
Speaker 3: She is sun baking completely nude laying front down so
Speaker 3: you can't see like, you can't see the front bear.
Speaker 3: It's a beautiful nudet see any nipples, but you can
Speaker 3: see bit a sideboob. You can see her whole bottom.
Speaker 3: I say bottom because I'm a mum. You can see
Speaker 3: her bottom. You can see her bottom, and she is
Speaker 3: some baking. This is the first trap. This is the
Speaker 3: type of post you put up times one hundred when
Speaker 3: you're trying to tell everyone I am single and I
Speaker 3: want someone to suffer.
Speaker 2: I'm back on the market now the best. No, I
Speaker 2: don't even think this is an I'm back on the market.
Speaker 2: This is fuck you, fuck you X. Look at what
Speaker 2: you just gave up. That's what this is.
Speaker 1: Okay, Now what I want to note in this, The
Speaker 1: funniest part is this is a carousel.
Speaker 2: There's like seven photos. Can you just swipe and look
Speaker 2: at what all she posted? Okay, I don't understand, it's okay.
Speaker 3: The photo is her nude with her smiley face, smiley
Speaker 3: open hand face. So the first photo is her nude.
Speaker 3: The second photo is of a blurry horse jumping over
Speaker 3: It's like completely blurry.
Speaker 2: It's I think it's her. It's a horse.
Speaker 3: Jumping over like the jumps that horses jump over. Then
Speaker 3: it's a video at sunset of inside a car. Then
Speaker 3: it's looks like some dried herb like it's the most random.
Speaker 2: It looks like someone's hacked her Instagram. Her Instagram's being hacked.
Speaker 2: It looks like Instagram hacked, but it's not. It's her
Speaker 2: being like, boom, this is me nude, I'm single.
Speaker 1: And then it's like, I'm just gonna put the last
Speaker 1: five photos in my phone in a carousel. It's the
Speaker 1: strangest thing, but it worked. She was then seen back
Speaker 1: with her ex boyfriend. So I reckon, he's seen this.
Speaker 3: He's got straight on the blow and he's like, yo,
Speaker 3: I made a big mistake.
Speaker 2: So, I mean, we don't know.
Speaker 1: Rumor has it they're back together, and it's one hundred
Speaker 1: percent from you.
Speaker 3: You always know, And I like, look, I just did
Speaker 3: a quick scroll back through her other photos. You always
Speaker 3: know when someone's single. You just know the Instagram changes. Yeah,
Speaker 3: when you're in changes, you're in the turtlenecks, you're in
Speaker 3: the coach. I'm taken, I'm a virgin again. I'm born again.
Speaker 3: And as soon as you go through a breakout. You're like,
Speaker 3: I'm fucking back, baby, and it's hot girl summer and
Speaker 3: I'm here for it.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, we have for today's episode. We have that
Speaker 2: was It was a lot of an intro.
Speaker 3: We have collated some of just some of the weirdest, funniest,
Speaker 3: most messed up dating stories that you guys sent in.
Speaker 2: And I really think I'm gonna kick it off with
Speaker 2: this one.
Speaker 3: All right. I met a guy on Plenty of Fish.
Speaker 3: We were making out in the back of his car
Speaker 3: and it was getting really steamy. Now, next minute, he
Speaker 3: gets up and says that he's really hungry and he
Speaker 3: needs food asap, like literally in the middle of making
Speaker 3: out in the back of his car.
Speaker 2: He's like, I need food, hard work. Yeah, he's angry.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 3: So we're about twenty minutes away from anywhere, and he
Speaker 3: insists that he follows me in his car. So not
Speaker 3: only does the makeout stop, she has to get out
Speaker 3: of his car get back into her car, and he says,
Speaker 3: I'm going to follow you to this place where I'm
Speaker 3: going to pick some food up.
Speaker 2: So she's driving and he is behind her.
Speaker 3: Okay, halfway there, I notice he turns down a side street,
Speaker 3: I pull over to call him.
Speaker 2: He had blocked me, and I never ever heard for
Speaker 2: a few god so he was making out with her?
Speaker 2: Got a hunger pain? Or did he never know? It
Speaker 2: was a made up humeway?
Speaker 3: What an elaborate story to try and go someone. Why
Speaker 3: would have been just say I'm not feeling this, I'm
Speaker 3: not vibing this. What happened in that exact moment? If
Speaker 3: a few minutes ago you were into the makeout, what
Speaker 3: has she done that has turned you off so much
Speaker 3: that you were like I need to abort this mission.
Speaker 3: And it's like a it's like an FBI chase, Like
Speaker 3: he's like, I'm going to turn down the street and
Speaker 3: lose her and block her. Also, they're completely uncomfortable because
Speaker 3: if you've gotten if you're in someone's car, in the
Speaker 3: back of their car and it is getting hot and steamy,
Speaker 3: but you want it to stop and you want the
Speaker 3: person to get out of your car, it's kind of
Speaker 3: an awkward situation to be like, hey, I'm not vibing this,
Speaker 3: can you please go? I fucking love that, I'm a
Speaker 3: bit hungry. Let's I'm in a smoke bomb.
Speaker 1: It's like on Bride's Maids you know when they're in
Speaker 1: bed with she's in bed with a dickhead, and he's like, so,
Speaker 1: I really want you to leave, but.
Speaker 2: I don't want to see Magann asshole. It's like exactly
Speaker 2: that man. She's like, okay, I'll just go, and he's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I just love.
Speaker 3: That note like he obviously when he was driving, he'd
Speaker 3: obviously it was so premeditated that he was blocking her
Speaker 3: on things whilst he was following her in the car, he.
Speaker 2: Was doing an illegal maneuver. He was on his phone,
Speaker 2: and then he was like, now I can make my
Speaker 2: grand get away. What would you do? What's your excuse?
Speaker 2: You making out in the back seat? Would you just
Speaker 2: be like I'm done? Or would you say I'm so hungry?
Speaker 2: Would you say what diarrhea? I'd just be like, I
Speaker 2: just feel like my bowels loose. I think I just
Speaker 2: know I'm going to say, excuse me my bows Maine.
Speaker 2: How Yeah, imagine how it turned off.
Speaker 1: You'd be if there's one way to lose someone is
Speaker 1: to tell them you've got loose bows.
Speaker 3: I think I would just have to say I'm not
Speaker 3: vibing it. I don't think I'm just not that creative.
Speaker 3: That's like a level of creativity that I don't have
Speaker 3: in my being. Okay, next one, I think we go
Speaker 3: tit for tat on this Yeah.
Speaker 2: Same, Okay.
Speaker 1: I really vibed this one because this is a walking date.
Speaker 1: We all know how much I love my walking date.
Speaker 2: Loves a walking date.
Speaker 1: I went on a walking date with an environment conservationist
Speaker 1: who insisted that we stop so he could inspect what
Speaker 1: looked like a dog turd on the path. He insisted
Speaker 1: this was so fascinating and perhaps it belonged to the
Speaker 1: local fox or some other type of wildlife. He spent
Speaker 1: a good three to four minutes inspecting the pooh, poking
Speaker 1: and prodding it, dissecting it well. I tried to encourage
Speaker 1: him to keep.
Speaker 2: Walking well, obviously like he'd gotten a stick and was
Speaker 2: trying to know. The date was cut short.
Speaker 3: I suddenly had an urgent call from my housemate, who
Speaker 3: needed me home.
Speaker 2: Immediately.
Speaker 1: My stops when their interest is pooh.
Speaker 3: Okay, look, it makes sense if you're in Africa on Safari, Fine,
Speaker 3: you can poke at an elephant.
Speaker 2: Shit, I'm fine with that.
Speaker 3: You can't. You cannot be going for a walk and
Speaker 3: come across a pooh on a sidewalk.
Speaker 2: No, I also have a Pooh story.
Speaker 1: If if someone's you know what, like all Dad's off
Speaker 1: to him if he's got an interest in the environment and.
Speaker 3: A particular type of fox poop.
Speaker 2: But that's not for me. Also time and place.
Speaker 3: Just walk like clock that spot, clock that poop in
Speaker 3: your hand, for it, and come back for it after
Speaker 3: the date on Google Map you can return come full circle. Okay,
Speaker 3: this one is actually surprisingly or unsurprisingly about Pooh as well.
Speaker 2: I had a date tear.
Speaker 3: I had a date take a huge shit in my wardrobe.
Speaker 3: What best part is I didn't find it until the
Speaker 3: next day, when the smell had become literally unbearable. I
Speaker 3: pray to God it was because he was blind drunk,
Speaker 3: but I don't know for sure. But I wasn't impressed
Speaker 3: having to clean up a grown man or Pooh from
Speaker 3: the bottom of my wardrobe. The best part and there's
Speaker 3: the best part, the best part. Oh, no, it gets better,
Speaker 3: It gets better. The best part was that he used
Speaker 3: my clean white hand towel as toilet paper.
Speaker 2: I am deceased. I think he's done it on purpose.
Speaker 2: What an asshole.
Speaker 3: Imagine having that as a fetish that you look I'm
Speaker 3: not gonna yuck anyone's young, but fetishes have to be
Speaker 3: mutually agreed upon.
Speaker 2: You can't just take a.
Speaker 3: G shit around someone's howm or is it because he's
Speaker 3: so drunk that he thought it was a toilet?
Speaker 2: You?
Speaker 1: This is where I'm getting to, right. I don't think
Speaker 1: you can be that drunk.
Speaker 2: Oh, I think some men can be that.
Speaker 3: You poop in a wardrobe?
Speaker 2: How do you like? I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I just think he couldn't be bothered. I think he couldn't.
Speaker 1: He was so drunk he couldn't be bothered. He couldn't care.
Speaker 1: It came on quickly.
Speaker 2: I have a friend who's X. They were having a
Speaker 2: fight next for a reason.
Speaker 3: They were having a fight and he farted mid fight
Speaker 3: and they were like in the kitchen yelling at each
Speaker 3: other because he was so drunk and he farted, and
Speaker 3: she was like, I don't think you farted. I think
Speaker 3: you just pooed yourself, And he was like, no, I didn't. Anyway,
Speaker 3: he went to the bathroom. She went into the bathroom
Speaker 3: after he put himself to bed, and there was his
Speaker 3: board shorts with poo in them. So she picked up
Speaker 3: his board shots and she put them.
Speaker 2: In the bin.
Speaker 3: The next day, he was like, where are my board shorts?
Speaker 3: And she said, well, you did a shit in them,
Speaker 3: so I put them in the bin. Then he accused
Speaker 3: her of lying that she had put a poo in
Speaker 3: his board shorts as a setup.
Speaker 2: What she went and did her own poop. He thought
Speaker 2: that she and put it in to show off.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he thought that she had set him up and
Speaker 3: that she'd done a poop in his board shorts.
Speaker 2: And there is a real reason why they are not together.
Speaker 3: I wonder why they didn't work out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's surprising, isn't it.
Speaker 3: Okay, this one is pre funny.
Speaker 2: I was going on a first day.
Speaker 3: We decided to go to a cafe for a coffee
Speaker 3: and brunch. How much can go wrong us? My date
Speaker 3: is arriving at the table. I can see him walking up.
Speaker 3: He pulls out his Nokia phone.
Speaker 1: Now I get very awkward at the best of times,
Speaker 1: but especially on first dates. So he whips out this
Speaker 1: brick of a Nokia and honestly, who has a Nokia
Speaker 1: these days?
Speaker 2: Who has a knock?
Speaker 3: Here?
Speaker 1: Trying to make lighthearted joke, I say, man, that has
Speaker 1: got to be the oldest.
Speaker 2: Phone I have seen this decade.
Speaker 1: I really dug into this about why he would be
Speaker 1: using such an old brick. I'm trying to break that
Speaker 1: friendly wall, you know. I even went so far as
Speaker 1: to say that phone just took you from an eight
Speaker 1: to a six.
Speaker 2: Ha ha ha.
Speaker 1: I think I'm really funny. Turns out people don't use
Speaker 1: nokias anymore.
Speaker 2: It was his insulin pump. Oh clah.
Speaker 3: But I'm gonna make him feel self conscious about something
Speaker 3: that he can't controls saving grace.
Speaker 1: They've been together two years, okay, right, so I think
Speaker 1: that this is I think this is a cute time.
Speaker 1: But the worst part, like, did you really have to
Speaker 1: throw in there that the phone took you from an
Speaker 1: eight to a six? Like that was the real because
Speaker 1: like everyone pumps on you your that is part of you.
Speaker 3: But also like everyone likes a little bit of not everyone,
Speaker 3: but a lot of people enjoy a bit of riffing.
Speaker 3: Bit of riffing early on in a relationship, not not like,
Speaker 3: you know, straight up insulting each other's a bit of
Speaker 3: a riff.
Speaker 2: She thought she was hilarious. She's like, I'm looking this down.
Speaker 2: I'm funny. I'm gonna make this really lighthearted. And then
Speaker 2: the poor guy.
Speaker 1: But they've been down two years, so this is great
Speaker 1: because he's a great outcome.
Speaker 3: Do you know what nobody likes in a relationship? I'm
Speaker 3: gonna or a day for a list, or.
Speaker 2: Here's one.
Speaker 3: So a guy I was seeing I started to kiss him,
Speaker 3: and he kept making really loud, moaning noises when we kissed,
Speaker 3: but like it wasn't a passionate kiss at all. Now
Speaker 3: I'm talking like really h ah noises, and then all
Speaker 3: of a sudden, he just stuck his nose into my mouth.
Speaker 3: I don't understand. Imagine kissing someone and then being like
Speaker 3: hmm and then man, and then pulling away from the
Speaker 3: mid not passionate but very moaning kiss just to insert
Speaker 3: insert your nose into their mouth.
Speaker 2: I'd be out the dates over. Yeah, she didn't stick.
Speaker 1: Around, but I would be saying that I'm really hungry
Speaker 1: following us to following me the shop.
Speaker 3: Wait, okay, this is another quick one. I'm going to
Speaker 3: jump in. I'm breaking the rules. I was mid fuck
Speaker 3: with the guy i'd been seeing and he stopped.
Speaker 2: To message a girl on Tinder.
Speaker 1: What where are you guys meeting these people in the
Speaker 1: middle of the sex, in the middle of the sex,
Speaker 1: the sex.
Speaker 2: He was like messages another girl, Yeah, mid pump rolled over,
Speaker 2: pump pump text, pump pump text lighting up the next
Speaker 2: and she saw it. Yeah, what did she finish that? Surely?
Speaker 1: Not?
Speaker 2: Surely you get up and you leave?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: How? I have so many funny ones? I got another one,
Speaker 2: hang on, hang on on. On the back of that,
Speaker 2: I get I know, I don't get it. I shouldn't
Speaker 2: say that.
Speaker 3: I can understand if that was to happen, like you'd
Speaker 3: had sex and then you're in bed and you rolled over,
Speaker 3: and then maybe he went and checked his tinder, like
Speaker 3: not cool, But I understand that more than like doing
Speaker 3: like one handed doggie or something and then on your
Speaker 3: phone checking to know at the same time, Like, how
Speaker 3: could you possibly be that?
Speaker 2: Do you know what it really? It really shows you
Speaker 2: the dire straight to the dating world.
Speaker 3: You know how people always say that you've got one
Speaker 3: on the go, like he literally had one on.
Speaker 2: The go at the same time. Okay, can I do
Speaker 2: another short one? All right?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't have to ask.
Speaker 3: A boy started kissing my feet, then my boobs, nothing else.
Speaker 3: Then he asked if we were in a relationship. Yes,
Speaker 3: don't you know kissing one's feet makes you official, Like
Speaker 3: that is a guarantee go to fuck.
Speaker 2: I'm dying, Okay, do you.
Speaker 1: Know what that's something that that's like someone you would
Speaker 1: date someone that would sex the back of your leg
Speaker 1: and kiss your feet.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and then they would say, did the leg sex
Speaker 3: guy for you?
Speaker 2: Sex? Behind the knees sex? Yeah.
Speaker 3: He also had sex with under my arms and your
Speaker 3: elbow and the side of my neck.
Speaker 2: Anything that you could turn into a creat Do you
Speaker 2: want to know what the parties? Guys?
Speaker 1: When Laura usually told this story, if you haven't heard it,
Speaker 1: she very quickly.
Speaker 3: I dated a guy who had no bed base. It
Speaker 3: was a match us on the floor, and he used
Speaker 3: to have sex with the back of my knees.
Speaker 2: It's not a big deal everyone.
Speaker 1: It is my favorite story of my whole existence. But
Speaker 1: the funniest part about this is that was probably six months.
Speaker 3: Ago or a year ago. Laura originally told that story. Well,
Speaker 3: it was like ago, it was on a bonus set.
Speaker 3: But every time we bring it up, and I'm not kidding,
Speaker 3: you just did it again.
Speaker 2: Now every time we bring it up, you add an
Speaker 2: extra crease.
Speaker 3: That he used to fuck you were at the side.
Speaker 2: It was just like the back of the leg.
Speaker 1: And then like six months later we had a joke
Speaker 1: and you were like fucking between my toes and you
Speaker 1: were like, oh, he did under my arm too. Then
Speaker 1: I'm de ceased again, and then they're like, oh, now,
Speaker 1: all of.
Speaker 2: A sudden, he used to make you kink your neck
Speaker 2: to the side and have sex with your neck. Cries no, wonder,
Speaker 2: you've got a bad back, like king to the side.
Speaker 1: While he puts his Did you ever have penetrative normal sex?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah it was, but he wanted to have sex
Speaker 2: with all of bas I can't wait.
Speaker 1: I'm going to bring out in a couple of months
Speaker 1: and find out the other creases please.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, like where else is there between my fingers,
Speaker 3: between my toes here?
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you put your mind to it. But you
Speaker 2: like bend over the crease of my belly so much.
Speaker 2: I've got a really short one.
Speaker 3: When I was sucking a guy's dick, he yelled.
Speaker 2: Suck my deck, bitch. I was so shocked that I stopped.
Speaker 1: But this is so funny because like she was doing it,
Speaker 1: Why she was already Why did you give her?
Speaker 2: Why did you yell instructions to her when she was
Speaker 2: already doing this. It's so aggressive though, Like I would
Speaker 2: stop too.
Speaker 3: I would just be like, I'm sorry, is that not
Speaker 3: what I'm doing.
Speaker 2: I'm literally in the middle of it, thank you? Like
Speaker 2: why do people do that? Nobody?
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, Look, I think he was trying to talk dirty,
Speaker 3: but he just took it a bit far, got a
Speaker 3: bit over excited.
Speaker 1: What's like you if you were having sex and someone's
Speaker 1: like yeah, fuck me, Like yeah, yeah, and then yeah,
Speaker 1: keep doing it.
Speaker 2: You're like, yeah, that's time, I'm.
Speaker 1: Doing it, Like it's so chuipd.
Speaker 2: I got another one guy.
Speaker 1: I took me to his house for a threesome, which
Speaker 1: I was actually super down for until I got there
Speaker 1: and found out that the threesome was with his brother.
Speaker 2: No, yes, no, yes, no.
Speaker 1: He wanted to have a threesome with his brother. Nobody
Speaker 1: wants to have that's I mean, I mean, that's obviously
Speaker 1: also not a threesome because there's no way that those
Speaker 1: two people would be engaging.
Speaker 3: They just wanted to have sex with the one girl, but.
Speaker 1: They wouldn't have been it wouldn't have been a three
Speaker 1: way threesome.
Speaker 3: You'd hope that they're not going to have sex with
Speaker 3: each other.
Speaker 2: What would have been three people involved. But I mean
Speaker 2: like I could be wrong.
Speaker 3: You could be wrong, and that's the very alarm we
Speaker 3: want know because she ran and she didn't do it,
Speaker 3: which I would suggest if anyone suggests to have a
Speaker 3: threesome with their brother, probably it's a probably firm no.
Speaker 2: Do what you want.
Speaker 3: But our advice series it is no, it's a no.
Speaker 3: All right, this just came in and I am I
Speaker 3: am shugar.
Speaker 2: It's very long.
Speaker 3: I'm going to try and wow, wow, there's a lot
Speaker 3: that happens here. Okay, replying to your cooked dating stories story.
Speaker 3: So when my current partner they're still together, that's good.
Speaker 3: And I first started dating. We have now been together
Speaker 3: for four years. There was one particular day where we
Speaker 3: were having a good old sessh butt play, but butt
Speaker 3: play and a sixty niner. So I was on top
Speaker 3: of him doing a sixty niner as I got there,
Speaker 3: as in as.
Speaker 2: She came, she squirted. All of a sudden, he stopped.
Speaker 3: And was like, oh no, And then I turned around
Speaker 3: and was like, what's wrong. I turned around to see
Speaker 3: that there was a mini poop on his forehead. Obviously
Speaker 3: from the butt play, a little kangaroo nugget, like not
Speaker 3: like you know, the kangaroo pellet, a pellet of poop
Speaker 3: smack in the middle of his forehead, obviously from the
Speaker 3: butt play. And then when I'd gotten there, I'd pushed
Speaker 3: from squirting. I was absolutely mortified, especially because it was
Speaker 3: so early on in our relationship.
Speaker 2: He said to himself.
Speaker 3: Never, No, he doesn't matter how he asked, should I
Speaker 3: just wipe it off and keep going?
Speaker 2: Or should I tell her?
Speaker 3: Safe to say it didn't turn him off, as we
Speaker 3: were still together four years later, he wasn't going to
Speaker 3: tell her.
Speaker 2: He was just gonna wipe it away and keep going.
Speaker 2: What a trooper, good man, what a legend. You were
Speaker 2: just COMMI to the cause.
Speaker 3: If you can just like I mean, it depends if
Speaker 3: it was.
Speaker 1: A little hard pellet and you can if it was
Speaker 1: just like didn't actually leave a mark and stick and smudge,
Speaker 1: If it just like plopped on, you can flick it off.
Speaker 3: Like if you're in the moment, imagine getting a pellet
Speaker 3: shot into your forehead of poop mid sex.
Speaker 2: It could be really dangerous in the eye.
Speaker 3: Think I yes, would, I mean, that's how people get pinky.
Speaker 3: I don't think that that is how people get pink eye.
Speaker 3: It's from faring on pillows.
Speaker 1: I I can't think I expert, I am deceased.
Speaker 2: What would you have done? I reckon.
Speaker 3: I would have just called it quits.
Speaker 2: I reckon.
Speaker 1: I would have got up and said sorry, I understand
Speaker 1: that this is over, and just walked out, like I'll
Speaker 1: take one for the team. I'll just let myself out.
Speaker 2: Can I read you one more? Okay? A guy I
Speaker 2: was dating was kissing me, and during said kiss, he
Speaker 2: intentionally passed something foreign from his mouth to mine. I
Speaker 2: can't be one hundred percent sure, although I'm fairly certain it.
Speaker 3: Was not.
Speaker 1: He put a snotball from his mouth into oh my,
Speaker 1: oh my god.
Speaker 2: And the very last one I want to tell you
Speaker 2: is extremely short. I went on a date. Turns out
Speaker 2: the guy I was seeing took me to a wake.
Speaker 2: That's not funny. That's not funny. Someone died. Why would you?
Speaker 1: Why?
Speaker 3: Why would you do that?
Speaker 2: Did he think maybe he wanted to come?
Speaker 1: No? I think maybe he was going for the sympathy card.
Speaker 1: Maybe he was I'd probably get a bang because she'll
Speaker 1: feel sorry for me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they'll probably be tears, and there's free sandwiches, there's
Speaker 2: free food.
Speaker 1: I don't have to pay for a dinner, cheap date,
Speaker 1: cheap day guys. I absolutely love these, but not for you.
Speaker 2: For us. I don't love it. We love them for us.
Speaker 2: I love them for us.
Speaker 3: Can you please keep sending us your accent these ones,
Speaker 3: especially dating ones. I know we get a whole range
Speaker 3: of accidentally unfiltered stories, but this is truly we wanted
Speaker 3: to leave you with something lighthearted, a fun We cannot
Speaker 3: tell you honestly, we've doing acciently unfiltered stories now for
Speaker 3: almost three years, but it is just one of my
Speaker 3: favorite parts. And they never are not funny. They never
Speaker 3: stop being funny. So if you have one of these
Speaker 3: dating stories, and like I said, we get accidentally unfielded
Speaker 3: stories about so many things, but I think dating embarrassing
Speaker 3: dating stories, like fucked up dating stories, is something that
Speaker 3: is just so relatable because we have all everybody has
Speaker 3: that one thing that happened to them on a date
Speaker 3: where they just go, you are mortified remembering it.
Speaker 1: I just don't think you've really lived until you've had
Speaker 1: one of those moments where you're like, I'm on the
Speaker 1: ground to swallow me up right now until I mean,
Speaker 1: we don't need a poop on someone's forward moment, Like
Speaker 1: you don't need to go that extreme, but you need
Speaker 1: those moments where you like, swallow me, not the poop,
Speaker 1: not the poop, but like the ground, swallow me, suck.
Speaker 2: My dick, bitch. Okay, I'm doing it. That's it, guys,
Speaker 2: Please keep them all coming in.
Speaker 1: We are going to see you again on the nineteenth
Speaker 1: for a bonus episode. So mid break we're going to
Speaker 1: bring you some little life on cut goodness.
Speaker 3: Us a little spicy sprinkling because you know, we can't
Speaker 3: take a holiday.
Speaker 1: We're breadcrumbing you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but then we're back in August. We're having like
Speaker 3: a proper holiday this time. And I can't wait.
Speaker 2: Like truly, you were speech Fritz speechless. I'm excited. It's
Speaker 2: going to be a good time.
Speaker 3: If you love the episode, jump on leave us a
Speaker 3: review on Apple Podcasts. You can also take this opportunity
Speaker 3: to go back and listen to some of the episodes
Speaker 3: that maybe you have missed throughout the time. There are
Speaker 3: three hundred episodes. Now, there are so many incredible interviews
Speaker 3: with people who just I mean, maybe we should drop
Speaker 3: some of them into our stories as well, so we
Speaker 3: can remind you, guys and kind of give you the
Speaker 3: highlights of stories and conversations that we think you should
Speaker 3: go back and listen to if you haven't already. If
Speaker 3: you want a little bit of guidance on episode recommendations,
Speaker 3: go and follow us at Life Uncut podcast on Instagram
Speaker 3: because we'll be dropping those into our stories and that
Speaker 3: is it from us.
Speaker 1: Don't forget to your mum, to you dad, tell your dog,
Speaker 1: tell your friends, and share the love because we love.
Speaker 3: Live Vaca.
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