WEBVTT - BEST OF: Self-worth 🥰 0:00:04.200 --> 0:00:05.960 This week's bonus episode. 0:00:06.360 --> 0:00:08.840 Today, we're going to get into a topic that is 0:00:08.880 --> 0:00:10.959 really close to my heart because of the amount of people, 0:00:11.000 --> 0:00:15.040 through much money out program that have labeled themselves in 0:00:15.080 --> 0:00:17.440 this particular way, and that is we're going to get 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:22.000 into the topic of self sabotage, which is something that 0:00:22.079 --> 0:00:25.599 I don't understand fully and I'm really looking forward to 0:00:25.720 --> 0:00:28.200 understanding better. And it's something that I know affects a 0:00:28.240 --> 0:00:32.600 lot of people out there. So hopefully we can identify 0:00:32.640 --> 0:00:35.880 what self sabotage is and give some really practical steps 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:39.599 by speaking to an incredible clinical psychologist about how we 0:00:39.680 --> 0:00:41.600 overcome it. I'm Sam Wood. 0:00:41.800 --> 0:00:43.879 This is the Wood Life. Let's get into it. 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:16.880 Very excited to welcome an next guest, dietitian, nutritionist, author 0:01:17.680 --> 0:01:21.600 and just a really really beautiful person who is always 0:01:21.640 --> 0:01:25.319 putting out such positive messages from a body positivity perspective. 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:26.479 You may know her as. 0:01:26.360 --> 0:01:27.520 The Nude Nutritionist. 0:01:27.600 --> 0:01:29.880 I know that's how I discovered her on Instagram by 0:01:29.920 --> 0:01:32.360 following her for years. Absolutely love the content that she 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:35.080 puts out there, and really excited actually to be working 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:37.520 with her really soon as we're both part of the 0:01:37.600 --> 0:01:39.880 healthy life, which for anyone that wants to check that out. 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:43.240 It's a wonderful health resource. It is none other that 0:01:43.400 --> 0:01:46.080 Lindy Cohen. Welcome to the WOODLFE and thank. 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:48.360 You so much for joining us, ah Sam, I'm so 0:01:48.440 --> 0:01:51.440 happy to be here. Stakes thanks for having me so Lindy. 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:55.120 Something that you've done that I love is promote some 0:01:55.240 --> 0:01:59.640 really great messages around rejecting diets and accepting our bodies 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:03.160 the way they are. And because you do that, that's 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:06.000 why you've built such a loyal audience. Why do you 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:10.000 think you're able to cut through to so many people? 0:02:10.360 --> 0:02:10.760 Thank you? 0:02:10.840 --> 0:02:11.080 Well? 0:02:11.600 --> 0:02:11.840 You know. 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:15.320 The thing I help people with is that feeling when 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:17.840 we wake up and we just hate how we look. 0:02:17.880 --> 0:02:19.600 We try to get dressed in the morning and we 0:02:19.680 --> 0:02:23.359 just feel like blur. We are constantly chasing this idea 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:25.200 of what we want to be looking like, and we 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:27.360 never feel like we're good enough in our bodies. And 0:02:28.080 --> 0:02:30.680 I feel like the reason that I really am able 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:33.360 to help people with these struggles is because I've been there. 0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:36.800 I spent the first decade of my younger life obsessed 0:02:36.840 --> 0:02:39.920 with trying to weigh less and exercising more, and it 0:02:39.960 --> 0:02:43.000 didn't matter how much weight I lost, I still hated 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:45.120 how I looked. I still hated myself. I still didn't 0:02:45.160 --> 0:02:47.639 feel like I was good enough, and so I kept chasing. 0:02:47.680 --> 0:02:50.040 I kept going, well, if I just try harder, if 0:02:50.040 --> 0:02:52.320 I just try, maybe this little thing is going to, 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:55.040 like suddenly get me to a point where I accept 0:02:55.080 --> 0:02:58.200 and like who I am. But it never happened. I 0:02:58.240 --> 0:03:01.840 would lose weight, and i'd you know, be able to 0:03:02.040 --> 0:03:04.160 sustain that for a small period of time, and then 0:03:04.560 --> 0:03:07.960 very soon afterwards, I started emotional eating, where I would 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:12.720 completely lose control around food, and I was just in 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:15.040 a really bad place where, you know, I'd wait for 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:17.799 everyone else to leave the house and I creep into 0:03:17.800 --> 0:03:20.480 the pantry and I'd eat all these forbidden foods, foods 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:24.280 that people, you know, I'll consider bad and unhealthier. I 0:03:24.360 --> 0:03:27.239 just couldn't control myself, and then someone would come home 0:03:27.280 --> 0:03:29.920 and I'd be sprung. I'd be caught, and I'd have 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:32.280 to just pretend and hide wrappers and do all those 0:03:32.360 --> 0:03:35.520 kinds of things. And it's interesting because I spent so 0:03:35.600 --> 0:03:37.880 much of my adolescence thinking there was something very deeply 0:03:37.920 --> 0:03:40.800 wrong with me, that if only I had more willpower, 0:03:40.920 --> 0:03:43.040 if I tried a new diet or whatever it was, 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:45.640 that I would finally be able to stick to it. 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:48.040 And then I started talking to a lot of people 0:03:48.480 --> 0:03:52.000 and I realized this whole emotional eating thing, there's hating 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:55.920 out bodies, never feeling like we're quite thin or pretty 0:03:56.120 --> 0:03:59.800 or good enough. This is a very universal feeling. In fact, 0:03:59.880 --> 0:04:02.720 it's very rare that I come across someone who I 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:05.200 kind of refer to as a unicorn. You know, they 0:04:05.200 --> 0:04:08.600 have this like perfectly healthy relationship with food. They've never dieted, 0:04:08.640 --> 0:04:10.560 they eat when they're hungry, they stop wing there full, 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:12.920 And I just think there are the exception and not 0:04:13.040 --> 0:04:15.280 the rule. And I would like to live in a 0:04:15.320 --> 0:04:17.880 world where it's normal for us to like our bodies, 0:04:18.080 --> 0:04:21.240 where healthy eating feels easy, where we exercise for enjoyment, 0:04:21.320 --> 0:04:24.440 not as punishment for eating something, and where we don't 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:27.440 feel shame around our bodies. That's where I want to live. 0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:29.880 That's a beautiful place that we all want to live. 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:32.520 And I can't help but think about my sixteen nearly 0:04:32.520 --> 0:04:34.080 seventeen year old daughter, who. 0:04:34.000 --> 0:04:39.240 Is fit and healthy and play sport, but she is so. 0:04:39.360 --> 0:04:42.160 Hard on herself, and I don't think it's at the 0:04:42.200 --> 0:04:44.360 point where she hates her body. Or anything like that 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:47.719 some of the terms that you used. But I do 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:49.880 feel like she's never satisfied. I do feel like it 0:04:49.880 --> 0:04:51.840 doesn't matter what she's doing, and she does all the 0:04:51.920 --> 0:04:56.840 right things. She is chasing I don't know. It must 0:04:56.880 --> 0:04:59.440 be from social media and these other kind of influencers 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:02.880 that have planned, did some kind of picture or idea 0:05:03.040 --> 0:05:06.240 in her head of what she has decided. Now, that's 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:08.640 what I should be chasing, or I should be aiming for. 0:05:08.760 --> 0:05:12.840 I should be looking like. What's far more important, and 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:16.640 that's the healthy body image, accepting your body the way 0:05:16.680 --> 0:05:20.080 that it is, training to actually love your body and 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:22.920 take care of yourself, and exercising and moving and eating 0:05:22.920 --> 0:05:25.839 well to nourish yourself, rather than worrying about what you 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:26.760 look like in the mirror. 0:05:27.279 --> 0:05:30.200 Spot on. I mean, what I'm really obsessed with this 0:05:30.240 --> 0:05:32.960 is the psychology behind food. I mean, if we were robots, 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:35.800 I could give you as perfect meal plan, tell you 0:05:35.839 --> 0:05:37.800 what to eat, when to eat, how to train, and 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:40.320 you would just do it. Humans are not robots. We 0:05:40.400 --> 0:05:43.440 are complicated creatures. You tell us, you know that eat 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:45.960 something and it only makes us end up craving it more. 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:49.839 And we have these bodies that we are constantly told 0:05:49.880 --> 0:05:54.599 from absolutely every direction that they are not acceptable. Let's 0:05:54.640 --> 0:05:57.000 just think about how widespread this problem is. We have 0:05:57.160 --> 0:06:00.520 mannequins in our stores that are so thin that even 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:03.159 the smallest size needs to be pinned into play so 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:05.360 that they can actually fit into the clothes that they 0:06:05.440 --> 0:06:08.240 be put on. We have photoshop and filters, which is 0:06:08.320 --> 0:06:11.279 completely normal on social media. When you turn up to 0:06:11.320 --> 0:06:13.800 go and get a photo shoot on the front cover 0:06:13.839 --> 0:06:16.719 of magazine, you have a model, a very beautiful person 0:06:17.040 --> 0:06:20.400 who's probably died and trade really hard to actually look 0:06:20.520 --> 0:06:22.960 like the picture of health for that magazine, and then 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:25.560 they still get photoshop with the lighting and the makeup 0:06:25.560 --> 0:06:28.200 and all that jazz. And one of my friends, she's 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:31.640 a model, beautiful girl, and when she was modeling clothes, 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:34.240 they stick a stomach on her like a belly bump. 0:06:34.560 --> 0:06:36.680 And so even as pregnant women, what we see is 0:06:36.720 --> 0:06:39.160 what a pregnant woman looks like as someone who's completely 0:06:39.640 --> 0:06:42.599 modelly everywhere else and then has this perfect little bump. 0:06:42.920 --> 0:06:46.839 So we're constantly getting told that we are not enough. 0:06:47.279 --> 0:06:50.120 I feel like we've just been handing down disordered eating 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:53.159 advice from generation to generation. It's one of the things 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:56.359 that can get passed down through mothers doesn't always. But 0:06:56.600 --> 0:06:59.040 you know, these little comments that we accidentally make when 0:06:59.080 --> 0:07:01.159 we talk to our kids, It's like, should you really 0:07:01.160 --> 0:07:01.760 be eating that? 0:07:02.080 --> 0:07:02.320 Oh? 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:05.720 Wow, you're really hungry today? All those little things they 0:07:05.760 --> 0:07:08.280 really add up. And I feel like I don't want 0:07:08.320 --> 0:07:11.440 us to be passing down bad body image like an heirloom, 0:07:11.640 --> 0:07:14.960 like a shitty tea cup that no one actually wants. 0:07:15.480 --> 0:07:17.040 I think we can start to do things a whole 0:07:17.040 --> 0:07:17.480 lot better. 0:07:18.440 --> 0:07:20.200 What an interesting perspective. 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:23.760 And as a dad, obviously with little girls, that actually 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:26.800 plants a little seed in my head. I mean, you know, 0:07:26.960 --> 0:07:28.720 I say, you say you beg and strong? 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:30.360 Is that okay? No? 0:07:30.440 --> 0:07:33.200 I like that comment, But it's you know, generally, the 0:07:33.280 --> 0:07:36.080 less we are commenting on what kids are eating, the better. 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:39.440 Yeah. Yeah, And that's why I ask because it actually 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:41.720 you do make me question now the little things that 0:07:41.800 --> 0:07:44.400 I say to my girls, yeah, because. 0:07:44.120 --> 0:07:47.440 They're constantly listening. And it's it's the little things that 0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:50.080 we say around food, but it's also the things like 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:53.000 let's say we're watching TV and a woman comes on 0:07:53.120 --> 0:07:55.440 and she's worrying too much makeup or and like what 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:59.000 she's wearing or she's gained weight, whatever it is, or 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:01.440 you're walking on this and you see someone you haven't 0:08:01.440 --> 0:08:03.680 seen it in a while. They listen to all these comments, 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:06.520 these judgments that we make about other people's appearance. So 0:08:06.640 --> 0:08:09.040 even if we're not directing those comments to them, they're 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:12.920 still listening. And it can create the sense of if 0:08:12.960 --> 0:08:16.440 I'm just perfect enough, then I'm going to protect myself 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:20.120 from the discomfort of being human. And I think that 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:23.360 it's such a protective barrier that we try to put 0:08:23.400 --> 0:08:26.560 out to try and stop ourselves from ever getting shamed 0:08:26.640 --> 0:08:29.880 or judged by anyone, which is an inevitability. But when 0:08:29.960 --> 0:08:32.360 you create a culture in your family and your world 0:08:32.440 --> 0:08:35.480 and your life where they realize people are really judgmental, 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:38.479 it can create a lot of residual insecurities. 0:08:38.720 --> 0:08:41.360 Yeah, getting comfortable in your own body, which, like you say, 0:08:41.880 --> 0:08:44.720 so few of us are. I mean, I love one 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:46.720 of your sayings. I've got it written here. You say, 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:49.640 don't sacrifice ninety five percent of your life to weigh 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:52.680 five percent less, And I just think, aimen. 0:08:52.440 --> 0:08:54.800 To that, amen, And you can't live a full life 0:08:54.840 --> 0:08:55.880 on an empty stomach. 0:08:56.440 --> 0:09:00.600 So I love that I'm stealing all of these that's so. 0:09:00.720 --> 0:09:00.959 I mean. 0:09:01.200 --> 0:09:02.839 One of the things I get asked quite often is 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:05.520 when people say, well, I'm struggling to lose the last 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:07.839 few pounds. You know, I really like my body feels 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:10.240 like it's fighting against me, and I really want to 0:09:10.280 --> 0:09:11.640 look like this. I want to look like what I 0:09:11.640 --> 0:09:13.480 did my wedding day or in high school, or I 0:09:13.480 --> 0:09:15.000 have a certain kind of genes that I want to 0:09:15.000 --> 0:09:17.800 fit into. And what I want that person to know is, 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:21.120 maybe your body's fighting against you because you're not meant 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:23.440 to lose weight. Maybe the weight where you're at is 0:09:23.480 --> 0:09:26.720 exactly where your body feels comfortable, where you fall asleep 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:29.480 easily because your brain's free to think of things other 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:32.960 than calories or reps of the gym. Maybe that's where 0:09:32.960 --> 0:09:35.520 your hormones are balanced. That's where you have the energy 0:09:35.520 --> 0:09:38.400 to do the things that you love doing. Maybe this 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:41.199 weight is exactly where you're meant to be. But because 0:09:41.240 --> 0:09:43.240 of all the things that have conditioned you to think 0:09:43.520 --> 0:09:46.000 you always have to weigh less, be more lean, be 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:49.480 more toned. You're striving to something that's actually making you 0:09:49.520 --> 0:09:53.439 deeply unhealthy, making you unhappy, and you are sacrificing your 0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:55.679 life and no one. We know this. No one at 0:09:55.679 --> 0:09:58.320 your funeral is going to go, oh, he had such 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:01.640 great arms or it's such a flat stomach. No one's 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:03.360 saying in these things right, and you won't be there 0:10:03.360 --> 0:10:06.120 to hear them, even if if you have such strange friends. 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:11.240 So I think we need to change what's happening in health, 0:10:11.520 --> 0:10:14.559 what health looks like, needs to shift, because right now 0:10:14.559 --> 0:10:16.880 we have this problem where you know, when you see 0:10:16.880 --> 0:10:18.640 a photo of yourself from like a few years ago, 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:21.280 and you're like, I looked so good. Look at me, 0:10:21.520 --> 0:10:25.480 I'm a hearty and you remember at the time loathing yourself, 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:28.280 going oh, I should have trained harder, I should have 0:10:28.280 --> 0:10:31.200 weighed less, I should have done something else. You know, 0:10:31.320 --> 0:10:33.920 this just shows us that body image and liking yourself 0:10:33.960 --> 0:10:35.600 hasn't got to do with the goal weight. We can 0:10:35.760 --> 0:10:36.960 hate ourselves at any weight. 0:10:37.360 --> 0:10:40.640 I couldn't agree with you more if we're talking about 0:10:41.120 --> 0:10:46.240 the last five kilos. But what's your messaging for those 0:10:46.360 --> 0:10:50.400 people that aren't healthy and have thirty kilos to loads 0:10:50.440 --> 0:10:53.120 or forty kilosters or fifty kilos to loads and they're 0:10:53.160 --> 0:10:56.600 not exercising, they're not conscious about what they're putting into 0:10:56.640 --> 0:11:00.719 their bodies. From a food perspective, and they actually do 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:04.720 need advice that you need to lose weight, because I 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:07.199 can't be hypocritical and sit here and agree with everything 0:11:07.200 --> 0:11:09.360 you're saying when a big part of my job and 0:11:09.480 --> 0:11:12.800 my life is actually helping people that are at an 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:16.440 unhealthy weight with a very unhealthy lifestyle make a change 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:18.520 in a positive direction from that perspective. 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:21.679 Okay, So take a rite back when I was twenty one, 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:25.320 I was categorically morbidly obese. I had spent my entire 0:11:25.360 --> 0:11:28.240 life trying to weigh less. And I think we have 0:11:28.280 --> 0:11:31.480 this idea that diets, people who have been on diets, 0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:34.120 that they don't know what they should be eating. But 0:11:34.200 --> 0:11:38.040 I think it generally we understand the principles eat more vegetables, 0:11:38.559 --> 0:11:42.240 get less takeaway. We kind of understand that. And I 0:11:42.280 --> 0:11:45.319 think what happens is when we become so preoccupied by 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:48.880 weight as this metric, then I think it actually makes 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:52.440 healthy eating so much harder. So for example, let's say 0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:54.160 I'm like, Okay, I'm going to start running. I really 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:56.760 want to lose weight. Now I start running, I'm doing 0:11:56.760 --> 0:11:59.400 the thing. But if I hop on the scale a 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:01.960 week later, two weeks later and it's not going in 0:12:02.000 --> 0:12:04.040 the direction that I wanted to do. You think I'm 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:06.240 going to keep running, true, I definitely won't. I'm going 0:12:06.320 --> 0:12:08.360 to stop running because what was the point of doing 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:10.599 that If the only reason I was doing it was 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:12.360 to lose weight and I wasn't losing the weight. That 0:12:12.440 --> 0:12:15.200 healthy habit, it's gone. But let's say I said, oh, 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:17.040 I want to start running because I really like how 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:18.840 it makes me feel. It gives me more energy. I 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:22.200 like that person that I am. That's awesome. What we 0:12:22.240 --> 0:12:24.640 currently have at the moment is a culture where we 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:26.440 keep telling people you need to lose weight, you need 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:29.680 to lose weight. Research shows that it doesn't actually lead 0:12:29.720 --> 0:12:32.880 to sustainable weight loss, and it's like, you know, maybe 0:12:32.880 --> 0:12:34.480 for a few months, we can do it, we can 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:36.640 stick to the rules, stick to the plan. But after 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:39.199 a few months, and we know from research, within two 0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:42.840 years people typically have regained the weight plus more. So 0:12:43.520 --> 0:12:44.920 does that mean that I think that we should all 0:12:44.960 --> 0:12:47.680 just live these you know, unhealthy lives. Not at all. 0:12:47.760 --> 0:12:50.600 I mean I think when we change our motivation for 0:12:50.679 --> 0:12:54.400 why we do things, like everything can shift. So, you know, 0:12:54.520 --> 0:12:57.960 finding exercise that you really enjoy is so fundamental. Some 0:12:58.000 --> 0:13:02.120 people are gonna love doing a circuit. Some people need 0:13:02.160 --> 0:13:04.080 to be okay with the fact that just going for 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:07.040 a walk and turning up and moving your body and 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:10.600 all the endorphin benefits that come from doing that, that 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:14.720 is so useful. So I have this saying it's twenty 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:17.400 minutes of like a gentle walk, it's better than an 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:20.040 hour at the gym that never happens. So we have 0:13:20.120 --> 0:13:22.160 this idea that we need to be perfect in order 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:24.080 to be healthy. And I think if we just lowered 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:27.040 our standards a little bit and we just accepted healthy enough, 0:13:27.440 --> 0:13:30.040 we stop putting the pressure around weight, I think we'd 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:32.200 be a lot more consistent when it comes to doing 0:13:32.240 --> 0:13:35.080 these healthy things because we realize when we eat healthily 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:36.960 we do feel good, and when we move our bodies 0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:39.240 we do feel good. But if we keep doing it 0:13:39.280 --> 0:13:54.160 to look good, that doesn't actually serve us. 0:13:56.040 --> 0:13:58.400 This is a guest that I've wanted to have on 0:13:58.440 --> 0:14:01.400 The wood Life for a little while now, and it's 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:05.360 a topic that I've absolutely been wanting to cover almost 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:08.400 since The wood Life came about. And the topic we're 0:14:08.440 --> 0:14:10.480 going to dive into is one that's really close to 0:14:10.520 --> 0:14:13.560 my heart because it's something that I get asked about 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:15.240 a lot through my twenty eight program. 0:14:15.320 --> 0:14:16.840 We're sort of going to get into that and touch 0:14:16.880 --> 0:14:17.280 on that. 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:20.200 But I would love to first of all, welcome doctor 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:24.280 Rebecca or beck Ray. Welcome to the WOODLFE. 0:14:24.640 --> 0:14:27.400 Thank you so much for having me, Sam. It's such 0:14:27.440 --> 0:14:29.960 a great topic for us to be diving into. I 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:31.120 can't wait to have this chat. 0:14:31.360 --> 0:14:33.880 Small Habits through a Big Life is your latest book 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:40.200 that is all about dealing with self sabotage. So can 0:14:40.240 --> 0:14:42.960 you just explain not just our listeners to me, actually, 0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:46.720 because I'm sure I don't have the exact definition, what 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:50.280 is self sabotage? Yeah? 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:55.120 So self sabotage is just a fancy name for not 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:57.240 being able to trust yourself to do the things you 0:14:57.280 --> 0:14:58.160 say you want to do. 0:14:58.640 --> 0:14:59.080 I love that. 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:05.600 It's essentially avoidance. Now everyone avoids, so it's really important 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:10.000 that we just right off the bat we normalize avoidance. 0:15:10.520 --> 0:15:14.520 Human brains are wired to avoid discomfort, it's what we do. 0:15:14.960 --> 0:15:18.880 So from a survival perspective, it was actually highly adaptive 0:15:18.920 --> 0:15:21.600 when we were out roaming the Savannah in clans one 0:15:21.640 --> 0:15:26.560 hundred thousand years ago that we paid attention to uncertainty. 0:15:26.640 --> 0:15:30.800 We paid attention to potential danger and avoided the emotional 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:34.200 discomfort and sometimes physiological discomfort that showed up as a 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:37.400 result to say get out because this could potentially be 0:15:37.440 --> 0:15:41.720 a bad situation. Now twenty twenty two, we're not necessarily 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:44.440 living life or dead situations in first world countries like 0:15:44.440 --> 0:15:47.680 Australia on a daily basis, but we still have prehistoric 0:15:47.800 --> 0:15:50.840 software in our brain, and that means that we're operating 0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:56.160 with brains that don't particularly like hard they don't like 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:59.800 things that are uncomfortable, and so it's actually really normal 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:04.600 to avoid effort to avoid something that just feels uncomfortable, 0:16:04.800 --> 0:16:07.720 and it's not even really a problem. But it becomes 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:11.560 self sabotage when the things, the behaviors that we start 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:15.880 doing on a daily basis, those behaviors that occur more 0:16:15.920 --> 0:16:19.080 often in our lives than not. So we're probably talking 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:22.840 about the forty to forty five percent of behaviors that 0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:26.880 make up habits. When those habits start becoming habits of 0:16:27.120 --> 0:16:31.600 self sabotage, habits of avoidance, habits that actually push us 0:16:31.600 --> 0:16:34.720 away from where we want to be, then it becomes 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:37.640 a problem. But it means that we get very confused 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:43.160 about what is discomfort for growth? And what is discomfort 0:16:43.240 --> 0:16:47.120 for discomfort's sake? So quite often we're actually creating a 0:16:47.160 --> 0:16:52.200 cycle where we are making ourselves feel ever more uncomfortable 0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:56.200 because we're trying to avoid initial discomfort, but we're not 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:58.040 actually stopping to go. Hold on, if I just got 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:00.440 up at six o'clock in the morning and went for 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:02.680 a walk like I said I wanted to do, then 0:17:02.720 --> 0:17:05.000 my hips wouldn't be aching from sitting on the couch. 0:17:05.040 --> 0:17:08.439 You know. A very simple but good example. How do 0:17:08.520 --> 0:17:12.680 we identify self sabotage in ourselves? 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:16.240 So if we look at food and exercise or just 0:17:16.320 --> 0:17:22.439 general lifestyle habits, then you probably self sabotage if you 0:17:22.520 --> 0:17:24.960 spend a lot of the time in your head promising 0:17:25.040 --> 0:17:27.960 that you will do certain things, and yet when it 0:17:28.000 --> 0:17:31.280 comes around to doing those things, it feels hard, or 0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:34.160 it feels effortfull, or you feel overwhelmed, or you didn't 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:37.200 manage your time effectively so that when it came time 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:39.120 to go into the gym you ended up running out 0:17:39.160 --> 0:17:42.679 of time. If those things keep happening more often than not, 0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:45.880 then it's likely that you're self sabotage, and we can 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:50.640 call those things. We can give those things labels like procrastination. Sure, 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:54.320 the most common form of self sabotage I see is procrastination, 0:17:54.680 --> 0:17:56.760 and you would see it too. Oh it's a bit 0:17:56.800 --> 0:17:58.320 cold this morning, I won't go for a walk, but 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:01.000 I'll do it this afternoon, I promise I will. And 0:18:01.040 --> 0:18:03.240 then it gets to the softernoon, youtobo busy and the 0:18:03.359 --> 0:18:05.760 kids need something, so you just don't do it, You 0:18:05.760 --> 0:18:10.520 don't go. And so if it's making excuses, procrastinating, negative 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:15.720 self talk, managing time ineffectively, managing your own emotions ineffectively 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:18.560 so that you end up creating your own stress. I 0:18:18.560 --> 0:18:20.680 mean I could sit here for probably the next twenty 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:22.840 minutes of our chat and list off ways that we 0:18:22.920 --> 0:18:26.359 can self sabotage. But the ways listeners can identify it 0:18:26.400 --> 0:18:30.359 within themselves is do you feel out of integrity? Have 0:18:30.560 --> 0:18:35.080 you been promising yourself that you would do something when 0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:38.439 it comes to your health and your fitness, and yet 0:18:39.200 --> 0:18:41.159 you're now in a position where you don't trust what 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:46.520 you say. Your relationship with yourself is out of integrity 0:18:46.600 --> 0:18:51.679 now because you've lost trust with you. But before we 0:18:51.800 --> 0:18:56.480 pathologize it, before we pathologize you, before we pathologize every 0:18:56.480 --> 0:19:01.760 single listener. The key here is when I procrastinate, when 0:19:01.800 --> 0:19:04.480 I promise myself this, but I don't follow through, when 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:08.880 I make excuses, is it actually stopping your life from 0:19:08.920 --> 0:19:11.160 going in a direction that you want to go, Because 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:14.720 then we have a problem. We have a disconnect between 0:19:14.760 --> 0:19:17.359 where you are and where you want to be. And 0:19:17.440 --> 0:19:20.480 if that cycle keeps showing up that there's a promise 0:19:20.520 --> 0:19:22.639 that you're making to yourself that you're not following through on, 0:19:22.720 --> 0:19:27.960 then yeah, it's self sabotage. When we're talking about Natalie 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:31.359 and she's at the stove thinking, this is the fifth 0:19:31.440 --> 0:19:33.840 time this week that I promised myself I would walk 0:19:33.920 --> 0:19:36.840 the dog, And here I am trying to get the 0:19:36.880 --> 0:19:40.600 toddler to stop putting Plato into the carpet, and I'm 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:42.920 trying to pay the mortgage on my phone app while 0:19:42.960 --> 0:19:46.320 I'm stirring the sauce, and I still haven't managed to 0:19:46.359 --> 0:19:48.159 get out the door or put my running shoes on. 0:19:48.640 --> 0:19:52.000 And this is where the shame comes in. The quality 0:19:52.040 --> 0:19:55.080 of our relationship with ourselves is what suffers. So you 0:19:55.080 --> 0:19:57.720 don't wake up in the morning with your wife saying, Sam, 0:19:57.920 --> 0:20:00.880 get up and go and do your workout, because otherwise 0:20:00.920 --> 0:20:03.040 I'm going to do X, Y and Z. No one 0:20:03.160 --> 0:20:06.080 makes you do that. That's a boundary that you keep 0:20:06.119 --> 0:20:09.399 with yourself, and it's the same for all of us. 0:20:09.440 --> 0:20:13.959 We have these internal boundaries, and if we constantly disrespect 0:20:14.000 --> 0:20:16.919 our own boundaries, what happens is we end up in 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:21.959 a shame spiral, and that shame spiral further perpetuates the 0:20:22.000 --> 0:20:26.440 cycle of self sabotage. So let's say Natalie wants to 0:20:26.480 --> 0:20:30.560 go for a walk, and she promises herself this afternoon 0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:32.719 that she will go for a walk, but it's cold 0:20:32.800 --> 0:20:36.280 by then, and the kids need dinner, and it's just 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:38.239 easy to put dinner on now it is to do 0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:41.280 it later. So she starts doing that, and then it 0:20:41.320 --> 0:20:44.960 feels kind of relieving. It's very seductive, So self sabotage 0:20:45.000 --> 0:20:48.399