1 00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:04,160 Speaker 1: This is a podcast about failure with me. 2 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 2: Lola Berry, author, nutritionist, and yoga teacher, join me as 3 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 2: we get to know these guests and learn about how 4 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:19,880 Speaker 2: their failures have ultimately shaped their dreams. Welcome to Fearlessly 5 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 2: Failing with Lola Berry. Hello, it's Loel's here. This next 6 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:43,879 Speaker 2: guest is awesome and she is just like this whirlwind 7 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:48,000 Speaker 2: of energy that almost kind of resets you. Her name 8 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,839 Speaker 2: is biet Simpken. She's from New York. She's got that 9 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:56,560 Speaker 2: epic New York accent, you'll hear it. She's come like 10 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,240 Speaker 2: a spiritual healer, spiritual teacher. 11 00:00:58,400 --> 00:00:59,320 Speaker 1: She's an author. 12 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:03,040 Speaker 3: She's really begin to meditation. 13 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,759 Speaker 2: I did one of her meditations at Wanderlus Festival recently in. 14 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:10,480 Speaker 1: Australia, and she is all about. 15 00:01:10,319 --> 00:01:14,160 Speaker 2: Like really getting outside your comfort zone and pushing boundaries. 16 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 2: She in this conversation shares a lot of her past 17 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:21,880 Speaker 2: and there's a lot of trauma trigger warning here. She 18 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:26,319 Speaker 2: has a history with drugs, she lost a baby very 19 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,839 Speaker 2: very young. She's lost a lot of family members. So 20 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 2: this girl's been through loads and she's come out the 21 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 2: other side and she's helping loads of people. I hope 22 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 2: you enjoy this chat with the awesome Biet. I'm really 23 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 2: excited right now because we've only met for about three minutes, 24 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,440 Speaker 2: but I feel like I may have met my hero. 25 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 2: This is the incredible Beet Simpkin. Am I saying that correctly, 26 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 2: spiritual teacher and author, Now your book, don't just sit 27 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 2: there New York Times bestsel. 28 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 1: Let's just put it out there. 29 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 3: Putting it out there totally. 30 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:01,600 Speaker 1: Now. 31 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,320 Speaker 2: I went down the rabbit hole of researching you, watching 32 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:09,679 Speaker 2: videos on you, listening to podcasts off you. 33 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,359 Speaker 3: I hope it was as fucked up as actually living 34 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,840 Speaker 3: it when I did it the first time. 35 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 2: Well, I'm like, man, I need I need hours with 36 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,160 Speaker 2: this human being because you've been. 37 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: Through so much. 38 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:24,840 Speaker 2: So let's start at the start. You were raised by 39 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 2: an awakened Sharman. 40 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:26,640 Speaker 3: Yeah. 41 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,040 Speaker 1: That's pretty cool, dude. 42 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,799 Speaker 3: Isn't it. I feel like I kind of won the 43 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 3: latto there big time. Definitely, Like no who gets raised 44 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,840 Speaker 3: by an awakened teacher. It was sort of like you know, 45 00:02:36,919 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 3: Karate Kid, but like that was my father. Like he 46 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,919 Speaker 3: was like I would come home and be like Dad, 47 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,800 Speaker 3: I don't want to do my homework and he'd be 48 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 3: like wax on, wax off, like that was, and I 49 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,160 Speaker 3: was like, hmm, trying to put that together. I've been 50 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,720 Speaker 3: trying to piece that together for like the rest of 51 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:53,240 Speaker 3: my life. 52 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 1: I imagine, what did it feel like a sense of freedom? 53 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 3: It did, but it was just way too much freedom, 54 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,000 Speaker 3: you know, Like it wasn't like there was any parental guidance, 55 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:07,280 Speaker 3: so it was basically like total spiritual It was sort 56 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:11,399 Speaker 3: of like if you instead of raising your child, you 57 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,400 Speaker 3: just gave them a ton of acid all the time. 58 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 3: So like awesome because they understand the meaning of the 59 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,680 Speaker 3: universe in a way that no one else does. But 60 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 3: how the fuck do you pay your rent with that? 61 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 3: Like how do you how do you find or how 62 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,920 Speaker 3: do you find a husband? Or like how do you 63 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 3: like things? That? Like I didn't even know how to 64 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,560 Speaker 3: like brush my hair, you know, like when I met. 65 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,359 Speaker 1: Girls fundamentals, it's fundamental. 66 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,960 Speaker 3: Like I remember when I was like twenty something meeting 67 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 3: a girl who looked like she kind of knew how 68 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 3: to wear makeup, and I was like, so, like, how 69 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,720 Speaker 3: do you do that? You know? Like I just like 70 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:39,720 Speaker 3: I didn't know, you know. 71 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 2: Wow, So is it true that you pretty much learned 72 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 2: to meditate as a toddlaw? 73 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, as a result. 74 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean that learning to meditate was definitely not 75 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:50,560 Speaker 3: see like that. That was not one of the things 76 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 3: I missed out on. I knew how to meditate. 77 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,080 Speaker 1: I mean that's pretty cool as far as like a 78 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:55,560 Speaker 1: gift is a toddler. 79 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,400 Speaker 3: To learn that, It's true. 80 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,560 Speaker 2: It's like we all get to like thirty or something 81 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 2: and we're like, shit, we need a meday because I've 82 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 2: got all this stress. Right, you almost let it backwards, like, hey, 83 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,120 Speaker 2: this is just part of who I am. 84 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 3: I did it backwards. Yeah. 85 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 1: I love that though. 86 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:10,360 Speaker 3: Yeah, so. 87 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,560 Speaker 2: You're also you're all these things like at eighteen, you 88 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:19,599 Speaker 2: were signed as a musician to Sony. 89 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,279 Speaker 3: Is that Sony music? 90 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, at eighteen years old? 91 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:22,919 Speaker 3: Yeah? 92 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 1: And were you just living like a rock style lifestyle. 93 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,040 Speaker 3: Yeah? I was playing like I was playing CBGB's when 94 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 3: I was sixteen, and that's how I got discovered. And 95 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 3: then we like won some kind of concert and then 96 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 3: Sony signed us. Yeah, and I recorded a record. But 97 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,719 Speaker 3: then it was the nineties, so it was like everything 98 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,800 Speaker 3: was there was a lot of money in the music 99 00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:45,960 Speaker 3: industry at that time, so they would just throw money 100 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 3: at you, and so it didn't necessarily lead to anything 101 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:52,600 Speaker 3: so they just drove me around in limos like recorded 102 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,680 Speaker 3: this record, and it's like constant like all this you know, 103 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,640 Speaker 3: cool shit, and they were paying for everything. And then 104 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 3: all of a sudden it just like dis appeared. And 105 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,359 Speaker 3: I don't know whether that was me being like a 106 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 3: crazy alcoholic or whether like it was just the music 107 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 3: industry at that time, Like it was very mafia like 108 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:12,880 Speaker 3: there was guns out. Really there was like Cuban cigars. 109 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,320 Speaker 3: The guy who was the producer at the time, who 110 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,240 Speaker 3: I won't name is dead now, like you know, I 111 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,719 Speaker 3: mean it's like, yeah, like it was just a weird scene. 112 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,120 Speaker 3: It was a cool scene. Like I'm a drug addict, 113 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,320 Speaker 3: so like I was like, let's. 114 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:26,719 Speaker 1: Suck me up. 115 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,679 Speaker 2: Is that where kind of like taking drugs and stuff 116 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:30,680 Speaker 2: and partying started? 117 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,799 Speaker 3: Drinking started then? Yeah, and then it was like later 118 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 3: that I discovered heavy drugs. 119 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 2: So was it just that because you're in this scene 120 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 2: and it was like where it's the rock and roll scene, 121 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:43,760 Speaker 2: it's the music scene, it's the nineties, Like partying was 122 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,479 Speaker 2: just went hand in hand with the music industry. 123 00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:48,800 Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure. I mean, yeah, I was drinking all 124 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,920 Speaker 3: the time, but I'm also an alcoholic, like I've been 125 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:55,000 Speaker 3: sober for eleven years. Yeah, but like I'm not somebody 126 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:59,480 Speaker 3: who wanted to like I've never done anything a little 127 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,160 Speaker 3: bit like I'm more of like a all or nothing. Yeah, 128 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 3: I just want to see. I wanted to see the divine. 129 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,440 Speaker 3: So I knew that if I took those risks that 130 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 3: I could, I knew I would get those tastes. 131 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,919 Speaker 2: Of like pushing the envelope a little bit, yeah, nudging 132 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 2: a little bit more. 133 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:15,360 Speaker 3: Yeah. 134 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:20,520 Speaker 2: And then so so from us, So you sat in 135 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:21,400 Speaker 2: the music industry. 136 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,000 Speaker 1: So how long were you with Sony four? 137 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:27,280 Speaker 2: Only like a year and then but then you felt 138 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:29,560 Speaker 2: pregnant pretty young too, right, I was at twenty. 139 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 3: Four, twenty six, twenty four, I had the seven pound 140 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 3: tumor in my uterus. 141 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 1: Oh my at twenty four. 142 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,599 Speaker 3: Yeah, And so I was like I had this weird 143 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,479 Speaker 3: thing where I thought I was gonna die, and like 144 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 3: every night I came home and I was like, had 145 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,640 Speaker 3: these weird shadow I had no symptoms whatsoever. And I 146 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 3: weighed like probably ten to fifteen pounds more than I 147 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,599 Speaker 3: weigh now. Like I was just like that baby chub 148 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 3: drinking tons of vodka, like not you know who you 149 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 3: are when you're like twenty twenty four years old. 150 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,240 Speaker 1: That's part of being your early twenties though. 151 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, Like I was just in it. And so one 152 00:06:58,839 --> 00:07:01,839 Speaker 3: day I like had this vision and I'm not a 153 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:05,120 Speaker 3: vision person, and I was hearing auditory hallucinations and I 154 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,159 Speaker 3: was like, this is also not common for me. And 155 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 3: these voices were like you're dying, you know, and I 156 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,720 Speaker 3: was like, So one night I sat up in my 157 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 3: bed and I said, look, what are you You're saying 158 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,880 Speaker 3: I'm gonna die? And they were like yes, and so 159 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 3: I said, well, is there anything I can do? I 160 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 3: don't want to die? And they were like, you need 161 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,400 Speaker 3: to stop eating. So I was like stop eating what? 162 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 3: And they were like you need to stop eating everything? 163 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 3: And I was like, just stop eating everything and they 164 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,200 Speaker 3: were like, yeah, if you stop eating everything, you won't die. 165 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,680 Speaker 3: So I was like, okay, you know, if you hear 166 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,000 Speaker 3: auditoriations and you've never heard them before, you're gonna fucking 167 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 3: do what they tell you to do. So I just 168 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 3: did it, and next thing I knew, like I lost, 169 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,440 Speaker 3: you know, ten fifteen pounds because I wasn't eating. I 170 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,680 Speaker 3: was kind of also very very crazy because you get 171 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,600 Speaker 3: crazy when you don't eat. I'm like an eater. So 172 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,240 Speaker 3: I was like, what is going on? 173 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: How long did you go not eating? 174 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 3: About three and a half weeks, Like I had like 175 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,800 Speaker 3: a cucumber here and there to like when I thought 176 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:02,520 Speaker 3: I was gonna faint, but oh I wasn't eating, And 177 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,160 Speaker 3: so I was like thought I was communicating with God, 178 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 3: like I was losing on you know, protein deficiency. So 179 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,640 Speaker 3: but I was like collecting cards in the street like 180 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:13,000 Speaker 3: it was next level crazy. And then three and a 181 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,640 Speaker 3: half weeks in, I lost this weight and I looked 182 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,000 Speaker 3: down at my belly and I was like, oh, that's weird. 183 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 3: There's like a bump there. And my father was also 184 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,880 Speaker 3: in addition to being a shaman and an awaken teacher, 185 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,760 Speaker 3: he was a medical doctor. So I walked into the 186 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,480 Speaker 3: bedroom and I was like, hey, like what's this and 187 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,520 Speaker 3: he's like, oh, well you are is the three months 188 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:35,000 Speaker 3: pregnant or it is a very big tumor. So then 189 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,679 Speaker 3: he like drove me to the hospital and we didn't 190 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 3: have money. We were like broke af and no money, 191 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,720 Speaker 3: no health insurance, no life insure, like nothing. He's like, 192 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:48,840 Speaker 3: don't worry, I saved obg Yn's life. He helped me now. 193 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,240 Speaker 3: So he calls this like famous Obijiuan, and this guy's like, 194 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,959 Speaker 3: whatever you need. So he sneaks me into the VIP 195 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 3: ward of his hospital and then proceeds to carve the 196 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,240 Speaker 3: tumor out so that I can have children one day. 197 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 2: So seven so for Aussie's listening, seven pounds about three 198 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,960 Speaker 2: and a half kilos, right, yeah, I think it's half. 199 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,320 Speaker 2: I think it's around about half or nearly four kids. 200 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:16,240 Speaker 3: It's about a grape friend whoa it was like corrosive. 201 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,319 Speaker 3: It had taken over my. 202 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,360 Speaker 1: So how old were you there? You were twenty four? Then, 203 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,280 Speaker 1: so when did the drugs come into play? 204 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,320 Speaker 3: I think right after that. And then also when I 205 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 3: got pregnant two years later, I had to stop taking 206 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,319 Speaker 3: drugs to have the baby. 207 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,000 Speaker 2: And I heard I've heard you say that you wouldn't 208 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,720 Speaker 2: have said that you were sober then you were just dry, 209 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,480 Speaker 2: out of out of kind of like, well, I'm pregnant 210 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 2: and I'm doing the right thing right now. 211 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,319 Speaker 3: Yeah, as opposerable, yeah. 212 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,320 Speaker 1: As opposed to I'm never going to do drugs again. 213 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 3: No, I couldn't we to like do drugs again. 214 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:49,800 Speaker 2: And so I can imagine that, and I know we're 215 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,080 Speaker 2: going pretty deep pretty fast. But there's just something so 216 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,360 Speaker 2: cool about your energy. I'm like, this chick is open 217 00:09:54,440 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 2: and I love it. So you had this little angel 218 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 2: a baby, Yeah, for a very short amount of time. 219 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:04,280 Speaker 1: Do you want to share what happened? 220 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:08,520 Speaker 3: Yeah. So, then after I had the tumor removed, the 221 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 3: doctor said to me, if you don't have a kid 222 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 3: within two years, this tumor, kind of tumor that I 223 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,200 Speaker 3: just carved out, will come back. 224 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:18,160 Speaker 1: Oh my god, he said, so you. 225 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:19,800 Speaker 3: He's like, so, if you don't have a kid within 226 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,480 Speaker 3: two years, this tumor will return and I'll have to 227 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,200 Speaker 3: give you a hysterect to me because there's no way 228 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,600 Speaker 3: I can do with the surgery again. It was very dangerous, 229 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 3: and so I was like, I'm not gonna get pregnant 230 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 3: in two years. He was like, I don't really care, 231 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,280 Speaker 3: that's not my business. He's like, I'm just telling you medically, like, 232 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,800 Speaker 3: this is what's going to happen two years later, basically 233 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,679 Speaker 3: to the date I get accidentally pregnant. So Ullah came in. 234 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,000 Speaker 3: I gave breath to her, and she cured my uterus 235 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,199 Speaker 3: so that I can have kids whenever and forever and healthy. 236 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,319 Speaker 3: She saved my uterus completely, Like once you have a baby, 237 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,720 Speaker 3: it's very uncommon to get that tumor back again. So 238 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,240 Speaker 3: then four months later and she was healthy, she was 239 00:10:55,240 --> 00:11:00,240 Speaker 3: one hundred percent so cute little redhead. Oh and month 240 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,320 Speaker 3: later she died of sudden infant death syndrome. 241 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,600 Speaker 1: That's the that's the work. 242 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 2: To me, that would be as like I'm not a mother, 243 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:12,480 Speaker 2: but I could only imagine that, like especially SIDS we 244 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,839 Speaker 2: call it. I don't know if it's called SIDS there, 245 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,560 Speaker 2: but we call it. It's like I could only imagine. 246 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 2: That's like one of the most harrowing things because there's 247 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,440 Speaker 2: no it's just yeah, like did it happen in her 248 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:23,280 Speaker 2: sleep when she was. 249 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 3: In a Yeah, well she was with the dad and 250 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,920 Speaker 3: in the living room and he brought her to me dead. 251 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:36,199 Speaker 2: So so in after that happened. From what I've heard 252 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:40,439 Speaker 2: and seen of you, your coping mechanism was a heroin. 253 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, quite fast, like we you like this is well. 254 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,280 Speaker 3: I had already why. I had already been doing a 255 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:50,320 Speaker 3: little bit of heroin and cocaine before that, so not 256 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 3: to this extent, but I just went way deeper into it. 257 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,199 Speaker 3: And as soon as we left the funeral, I went 258 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,840 Speaker 3: and picked up a bunch of Heroin. 259 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:00,439 Speaker 1: How long were you taking Heroin and coke for? 260 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:05,680 Speaker 3: All? In all, like four years, but mostly like after 261 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:11,760 Speaker 3: her death, So she died Yeah, I don't know. She 262 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,200 Speaker 3: died in two thousand and six and I got sober 263 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,720 Speaker 3: in two thousand and nine, So three years of like 264 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:20,520 Speaker 3: straight yeah, like daily, Yeah, you have to do her? 265 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I like what would you for people listening? 266 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,720 Speaker 2: Does it when you describe before about like wanting to 267 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,160 Speaker 2: get close to the divine and that feeling of like 268 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:35,720 Speaker 2: I've heard you describe Heroin is kind of like removing desire? 269 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, would you describe it like that? 270 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 3: It does remove desire, not completely, though, I think that 271 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,960 Speaker 3: it It kind of gives you the delusion that you 272 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,679 Speaker 3: are in your essence, you know. So it's very similar 273 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,680 Speaker 3: like my life today, Like I'm living in essence, which 274 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,960 Speaker 3: means like I'm in bliss, I'm in flow everything that 275 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:01,640 Speaker 3: I say I'm gonna do, I do everything I want. 276 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:04,839 Speaker 3: I manifest. It's like it's like, you know, it's like 277 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:08,440 Speaker 3: the yellow Brick road, you know, totally. But back then, 278 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,760 Speaker 3: I think that Heroin has this incredible aspect and Coke 279 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:15,880 Speaker 3: and I did them both daily speedball as well, you know, 280 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:21,600 Speaker 3: and it gives you the feeling and the achievement feeling 281 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:26,000 Speaker 3: of that covering, like the cloud cover of like the 282 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:30,360 Speaker 3: deep depressing knowing that you don't have that and you 283 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:34,679 Speaker 3: aren't actually that and you couldn't you can't manifest anything 284 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,440 Speaker 3: when you're on in that state because you're so delusional. 285 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:41,600 Speaker 2: Really, yeah, thank you so much for sharing that. I 286 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,440 Speaker 2: think that takes big courage. I mean, I've heard you 287 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,000 Speaker 2: talk so openly about it, like, hey, this is I'm 288 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:51,240 Speaker 2: just sharing what's real. And I think that that's when 289 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,760 Speaker 2: I say, like there's this kind of like hero power 290 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:58,000 Speaker 2: about you to me. It's like I love real Yeah, 291 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 2: and you are so oh that So thank you. 292 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 1: Thanks nah Man, thank you. 293 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,240 Speaker 2: I found this quote of yours and I love it 294 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:10,520 Speaker 2: and it's when shot comes, we have access to our 295 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:14,720 Speaker 2: higher self. So shock it sounds like and this is 296 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,360 Speaker 2: just a you've shared just a few of the shocks. 297 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:22,160 Speaker 2: It sounds like you've had a fuckload of shocks in 298 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:26,160 Speaker 2: a reasonably like from what I can see in your timeline, 299 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,880 Speaker 2: it kind of happened or I don't want to compare 300 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 2: you to like, you know, the twenty seven Club and 301 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:34,680 Speaker 2: all that kind of stuff. But that kind of like 302 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,680 Speaker 2: coming of age kind of it feels like you just 303 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,120 Speaker 2: went through how what went to Helen back? It feels 304 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 2: like that. 305 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,520 Speaker 3: I think it got it escalated then, But I already 306 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 3: had had a very tragic upbringing. My mom died when 307 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,840 Speaker 3: I was six of like pancreating pancreatic cancer, dropped dead 308 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,320 Speaker 3: right before my seventh birthday. Then every one of my 309 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,480 Speaker 3: grandparents died one by one after that. We were very poor, 310 00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 3: were immigrants from Russia, so it was just like really dark. 311 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,119 Speaker 3: You know, I had a really dark, dark, dark childhood. 312 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,760 Speaker 3: Although I like to input this because it's kind of 313 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,160 Speaker 3: I think people get really confused because they hear about 314 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:13,720 Speaker 3: my childhood and they're like, there's something really juxtaposey about 315 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,600 Speaker 3: my childhood in the sense that there's like there's a 316 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:21,520 Speaker 3: real sadness like roaches, mice, poverty, Like we just we 317 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 3: had such a dark life, and to lose a mom 318 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,760 Speaker 3: at that age it's something I still deal with till 319 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 3: this day. But the amount of love and the amount 320 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 3: of culture and the amount of magic that my household held, 321 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 3: It's like, I don't know how many people have access 322 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 3: to that kind of wealth ever, so whenever I see 323 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,120 Speaker 3: like a film that's really inspirational, or whenever I just 324 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 3: remember the meaning of it all, I remember that regardless 325 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,840 Speaker 3: of how poor I was, regardless of how fucked up 326 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,720 Speaker 3: my life, wasn't all that loss. I don't know, there 327 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,680 Speaker 3: was like through it, through it there was a grain 328 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 3: of like culture and wisdom and love, like real, real love. 329 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,160 Speaker 1: And that's the kind of wealth that you can't totally. 330 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,120 Speaker 3: It's kind of interesting because like, on the one hand, 331 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,920 Speaker 3: I'm one of the poorest motherfuckers on the planet, Like 332 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,640 Speaker 3: I come from nutting like New York nothing, like not 333 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,760 Speaker 3: like third world nothing, but still New York. Nothing is 334 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:20,280 Speaker 3: fucked up nothing. Yeah, And like but I just see 335 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 3: it as like, wow, but I'm one of the wealthiest 336 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 3: people on the planet because who has that? You know? 337 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,600 Speaker 1: Would you attribute that to your dad. 338 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 3: My dad, my brother, even everyone who died, like my 339 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,480 Speaker 3: family who died like the mount they loved us till 340 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:37,400 Speaker 3: they died. It's like they showed me what love was 341 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,120 Speaker 3: because they I don't know, it was just like they 342 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,920 Speaker 3: were like, I'm not going to stop loving you just 343 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 3: because I'm gonna die, you know. Yeah. 344 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 2: So do you feel still connected to them. Yeah, now 345 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 2: that they're gone very much. So I love that you're 346 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:51,440 Speaker 2: very wise. 347 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,880 Speaker 1: I'm sure you've heard that a million times before. 348 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,960 Speaker 3: Funny story, I actually was I was dating this guy 349 00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 3: years ago. I've been with my husband for like ten 350 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 3: year years now, but this is before that. I was 351 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,320 Speaker 3: dating this guy. He's like he's sort of like this 352 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:07,760 Speaker 3: actor guy. Obviously won't name names, but whatever, the point 353 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 3: is is that we were dating and he's super hot, 354 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,640 Speaker 3: and he was like, you know, we were like sexy 355 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,680 Speaker 3: texting or whatever, and I was like, oh, I was 356 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:15,959 Speaker 3: like in the one of those moods you know when 357 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,480 Speaker 3: you text out and you're like, all right, two things 358 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,520 Speaker 3: you love about me? You know, to play the game 359 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,399 Speaker 3: of like say something nice. So I said that and 360 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:27,440 Speaker 3: he wrote back, You're the wisest person I've ever met, 361 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:32,440 Speaker 3: and I just fucking got so pissed off. I was like, 362 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 3: what the what am I Yoda? Like I was, I 363 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,520 Speaker 3: was hoping you were going to talk about my tits, 364 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,160 Speaker 3: Like this is a really fucked up moment. And then 365 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,720 Speaker 3: it was like this flurry of anger that I got 366 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,040 Speaker 3: into and then it was like what So I communicate 367 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,240 Speaker 3: with God directly and I'm not religious but this voice 368 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,960 Speaker 3: came down. I was like, this guy just said that 369 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:57,120 Speaker 3: you're the wisest person he's ever met. Beat like take it, 370 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 3: you know. And it was like one of those moments 371 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 3: where I just had an aha kind of out of 372 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:04,320 Speaker 3: body experiences back in the day. Yeah, I was like, 373 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,480 Speaker 3: I'm fucking wise. Like, man, yeah, maybe I'm like not 374 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:11,320 Speaker 3: a fucking medal and maybe, but I'm fucking wise. I 375 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:14,480 Speaker 3: was like, I'll take it. 376 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,840 Speaker 1: It's a couple of it. It's a big coplet. I 377 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:17,840 Speaker 1: like that story. 378 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,400 Speaker 2: So not to stick too much to the rock bottomy 379 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,720 Speaker 2: kind of stuff and the heavy stuff, but there it 380 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:29,080 Speaker 2: was so much that it seems like like when you 381 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:33,879 Speaker 2: were in that phase of heroin and cocaine, Is it 382 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 2: true that all these things happened? 383 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:39,280 Speaker 1: So you just your best friend hung himself. 384 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,080 Speaker 3: One of my best friends hung himself. 385 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:42,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, how old was Hey? 386 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:43,800 Speaker 3: He was young. 387 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 1: He was like. 388 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:50,399 Speaker 3: Eight years older than me. So I was twenty seven 389 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:52,359 Speaker 3: at the time, so he must have been like thirty 390 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:53,480 Speaker 3: four thirty five. 391 00:18:54,359 --> 00:18:54,960 Speaker 1: So sad. 392 00:18:55,160 --> 00:19:01,200 Speaker 3: That's yeah. Man, your house bent down, Yeah that happened too. 393 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 3: That happened, and I did so like we were in 394 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,240 Speaker 3: a three bedroom rent control apartment in New York City, 395 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,240 Speaker 3: which is like for anyone who's listening who lives in 396 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,400 Speaker 3: New York City, it's like, that's a thing you want 397 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,320 Speaker 3: to hold on to. It was like really cheap and 398 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,960 Speaker 3: really huge and in a pretty it was like in Queens. 399 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,760 Speaker 3: So not definitely not a coveted neighborhood, but for some 400 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,000 Speaker 3: And so this awesome Queens is awesome if you're the 401 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,040 Speaker 3: Shangri Laws or if you want to like give up 402 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,879 Speaker 3: on life, it's great. It's great for them. So I 403 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,160 Speaker 3: was like never, I never felt like I belonged there. 404 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,960 Speaker 3: It was to It was like torture for me because 405 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,919 Speaker 3: I'm a bit of a I don't know what the 406 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,320 Speaker 3: word is. What's the word for when you're like kind 407 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:42,679 Speaker 3: of snobby and feet like I'm I'm like that, okay, 408 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,720 Speaker 3: So to be born like that and in Queens, yeah, 409 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,080 Speaker 3: you just always feel like you don't fit in, Like 410 00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 3: I would be like in junior high school and there 411 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,399 Speaker 3: was like these bodigua like I'll fucking cut you, you know, 412 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,600 Speaker 3: And I was like I was like, I'm just here 413 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,360 Speaker 3: listening to Pink Flood and like meditating, and they were like, 414 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,840 Speaker 3: you're a fucking idiot. You know, we're trying to be 415 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,480 Speaker 3: so intmellectual for you know, it was really it was 416 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:07,320 Speaker 3: really strange, but like that's because I grew up in 417 00:20:07,359 --> 00:20:09,640 Speaker 3: that shit, you know, like I wore the door knock earrings. 418 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,560 Speaker 3: My first boyfriend was Dominican. Like I did it right, 419 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,879 Speaker 3: Like I really did it. You know, we went to 420 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,920 Speaker 3: my angay parties, rubbed up. I'm a Kuchi. 421 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,320 Speaker 1: Amazing, amazing. 422 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,640 Speaker 3: So what's the point of the story. I was growing 423 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,239 Speaker 3: up there. The house burns down, which is caused, like 424 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,960 Speaker 3: I think it was one of those fires that was 425 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,520 Speaker 3: started by a new management company because they wanted the 426 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,119 Speaker 3: people in the rent control apartments out, so they burnt 427 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,080 Speaker 3: down half of it and then the fire department came 428 00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:41,359 Speaker 3: and like put it out, but the other half was 429 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,879 Speaker 3: still livable. So I lived in the half that hadn't 430 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,160 Speaker 3: burned down, waiting for them to fix it, just doing 431 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:52,000 Speaker 3: Heroin all day every day for four months. Holy, that's 432 00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:53,800 Speaker 3: it was like if you' seen fight Club. 433 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:58,280 Speaker 1: It was like that, like that I have saved And 434 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:04,520 Speaker 1: then in this kind of like in this kind of 435 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 1: like water. 436 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,399 Speaker 2: I don't know what you're in at this stage, but 437 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,000 Speaker 2: is that when when does it fit in where your 438 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:08,920 Speaker 2: dad passes away. 439 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,919 Speaker 3: He passed away right then. So he moved me to 440 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,919 Speaker 3: a new because they finally never came and he was like, 441 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 3: I'm coming, I take you to a new apartment. I 442 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,439 Speaker 3: was like okay, And this guy is like broke, but 443 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,720 Speaker 3: he totally takes care of me, you know. He comes 444 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,600 Speaker 3: in and gets me a new apartment, some cheap little apartment, 445 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,159 Speaker 3: deep deep deep bro Clinton like middle of nowhere with 446 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,760 Speaker 3: him like he was living there. And so I get 447 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,560 Speaker 3: into this one bedroom apartment out there and I think 448 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,959 Speaker 3: a year after that he died of a heart attack. 449 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,440 Speaker 3: And he was sixty seven, sort of like pretty young, 450 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:41,200 Speaker 3: really young. Yeah, so you loste when he saw lights. 451 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,760 Speaker 3: He was my every he was like my you know god, 452 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,919 Speaker 3: I didn't have a god. I didn't have a center, 453 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,960 Speaker 3: I didn't have a ground. I just had my father. 454 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,280 Speaker 3: So if you have this enlightened guru living in your life, 455 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:58,119 Speaker 3: it's like it gives you an excuse. And he enabled 456 00:21:58,119 --> 00:22:02,439 Speaker 3: me like he loved me, you know so much, like 457 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,040 Speaker 3: he was like I'll do because I think he was 458 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,000 Speaker 3: still trying to compensate for the fact that my mom 459 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,840 Speaker 3: had died. So he was just like just I think 460 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,879 Speaker 3: he was scared that I was going to die or 461 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 3: like something worse if he didn't take care of me, 462 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:16,760 Speaker 3: because I was so hurt by what had happened. 463 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,120 Speaker 1: Didn't he always. 464 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,800 Speaker 2: Say to you, like, I know you're going to be okay. 465 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,000 Speaker 2: I know you're gonna find your way. 466 00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:23,919 Speaker 3: Like he died, he did, but he'd never lived to 467 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,560 Speaker 3: see that. Yeah, because I don't think he had the 468 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,200 Speaker 3: power to help me when he was on the planet. 469 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,000 Speaker 3: It was like as if as soon as he died, 470 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:36,199 Speaker 3: it was as if he gained some insane superpower to 471 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,920 Speaker 3: connect with me, because I felt like he was catapulting 472 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 3: me into sobriety. Yeah. 473 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, because I've watched an interview where you were like, 474 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:48,560 Speaker 2: one day I just knew, Yeah, which is obviously like 475 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 2: it's going to be a very uncomfortable transition to go 476 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,480 Speaker 2: from taking heroin daily to not well. 477 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,600 Speaker 3: The forty eight hours that I called Turkey, it was uncomfortable, 478 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:58,640 Speaker 3: but that's that's it. 479 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,400 Speaker 2: And it was just a was just like a did 480 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,439 Speaker 2: it feel like a spiritual decision? Did it feel like 481 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 2: it was something bigger than yourself? Or do we just like, nah, 482 00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:08,520 Speaker 2: this is enough for me. 483 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,199 Speaker 3: And at that time, I don't think it felt spiritual. 484 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:16,320 Speaker 3: I think it just felt like I had zero I 485 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,720 Speaker 3: just had zero energy left. Like I was like, I 486 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,040 Speaker 3: don't think. I just felt like maybe I think I'm 487 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:24,119 Speaker 3: gonna die if I keep going. Oh that was it. No, 488 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 3: I had that moment where I saw that if I 489 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,439 Speaker 3: kept doing this, Like I didn't think I was gonna die, 490 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:30,800 Speaker 3: but I thought I was gonna turn into this woman 491 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:34,160 Speaker 3: who was like ten years older and still doing that. 492 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:36,920 Speaker 3: And I was like, wait, that's not how I see 493 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,280 Speaker 3: my future. So then I was like, well, how the 494 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:43,160 Speaker 3: fuck am I gonna get from here to there? Because 495 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,560 Speaker 3: I saw my futures what it is now. Well, like 496 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:46,960 Speaker 3: not exactly, because I didn't know I was going to 497 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,840 Speaker 3: be a spiritual teacher, but I definitely thought I'm going 498 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,240 Speaker 3: to be rich and famous and like travel the world 499 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:55,040 Speaker 3: and be like interviewed and I'll you know, in front 500 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:57,159 Speaker 3: of cameras all the time. So and then when I 501 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,720 Speaker 3: thought about it, I was like, how the fuck is 502 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,920 Speaker 3: that gonna happen? Like people go around just doing a 503 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,920 Speaker 3: bunch of heroin into success. 504 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:07,560 Speaker 1: That's not like the path path, the common path. 505 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:09,439 Speaker 3: Yeah, so I was like fuck, and I kind of 506 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,120 Speaker 3: vanity got me sober because I was like, I don't 507 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:13,879 Speaker 3: think this is going to work as a plan of 508 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,640 Speaker 3: action for that, and so I just for the first 509 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,040 Speaker 3: time in my life, had the had the goll to 510 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,119 Speaker 3: like do the math. I'd never done math before. I 511 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,840 Speaker 3: was like, this plus this equals this. 512 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,440 Speaker 1: So it was quite practical. 513 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 3: It was very practical. I was like, this doesn't seem 514 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:29,919 Speaker 3: like it's going to add up to the result that 515 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:33,000 Speaker 3: I'm looking for, So I think I'm just gonna stop. 516 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,640 Speaker 3: And then I went and I got sober, and I 517 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,919 Speaker 3: like did it like with a complete abandoned Like I 518 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,879 Speaker 3: learned every technique that you could to kind of get 519 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:48,280 Speaker 3: through sobriety in a way where where you're plugged in. 520 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,600 Speaker 3: Because for anyone who's listening to this who's still on 521 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,600 Speaker 3: drugs or drinking, like, you're not going to fucking get 522 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:57,440 Speaker 3: sober unless you turn to a spiritual solution, because you're 523 00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,800 Speaker 3: a spiritual being and the ways in which you're fucked 524 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:04,040 Speaker 3: are only cured by spiritual solutions. You don't know that 525 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 3: because you only experience those spiritual solutions when you're drinking 526 00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:11,320 Speaker 3: or snorting something. But it's like that's spiritual, whether you 527 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:16,040 Speaker 3: like it or not. Like cocaine. This is just a cheap, fucking, fake, 528 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:23,359 Speaker 3: fucking pussy ass way to have a spiritual experience. Yeah, wow, this. 529 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,240 Speaker 2: Is bit that you've said in it, and it feels 530 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,320 Speaker 2: like the perfect time to kind of turn to it. 531 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,600 Speaker 2: There was a bit where you were like, I've watched 532 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:30,960 Speaker 2: that much stuff you so I have no idea where 533 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,400 Speaker 2: this has comeing from. I'm really nerded out and fangirled. 534 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,800 Speaker 2: There was a moment where your heart was torn to shred, 535 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,320 Speaker 2: so I'm presuming it could be all of the things 536 00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:43,199 Speaker 2: we've spoken about. But then this is where you go 537 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,640 Speaker 2: transform that shit and make it your bitch. Is that 538 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 2: kind of like it's like, Okay, I'm in this fuck situation. 539 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:54,080 Speaker 2: I'm this is not going to get me to wear 540 00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:56,760 Speaker 2: I see myself. Yeah, I'm going to transform this shit. 541 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,679 Speaker 2: I'm gonna make it my bitch. I'm going to fucking 542 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,080 Speaker 2: Like was it kind of like I'm the master of 543 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,360 Speaker 2: this ship now or is it just like nope, I'm 544 00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:05,919 Speaker 2: not doing that. Like how did you kind of like 545 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,360 Speaker 2: find your way? 546 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:11,480 Speaker 3: That's that's a great question. It's super not. It's super 547 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:13,639 Speaker 3: not that it so it was the opposite. I think 548 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,879 Speaker 3: if you're going to transform. The first step is to 549 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,320 Speaker 3: melt and dissolve, sort of like bug soup. You know 550 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:23,560 Speaker 3: when the when the chrysalist becomes a butterfly, right, the 551 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,440 Speaker 3: first thing that it does is it dissolves the entire 552 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:31,560 Speaker 3: body of this chrysalis like melts into a soup like substance, 553 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,880 Speaker 3: and out of that soup like substance comes the pieces 554 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:40,160 Speaker 3: of this butterfly, the monarch, and so like, I think, 555 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,640 Speaker 3: first I had to be completely broken down and learn 556 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:47,480 Speaker 3: that I am nothing, and learn that that I'm selfish, 557 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,840 Speaker 3: and learn what a piece of shit I am, and 558 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:53,320 Speaker 3: kind of really get connected to my flaws and to 559 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:57,479 Speaker 3: my like all the things, like all my resentments and 560 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,919 Speaker 3: all my hatred and all my like vicim ideas of 561 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,199 Speaker 3: what a victim I am, and getting connected to that 562 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:08,120 Speaker 3: gave me complete freedom. But that was only step one. 563 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,360 Speaker 3: And I think, I don't know who gets stuck there, 564 00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:12,000 Speaker 3: but if you get stuck there, that's kind of not 565 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,560 Speaker 3: the wind. The end zone. The end zone is you 566 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,840 Speaker 3: got to actually come out of really realizing how nothing 567 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:22,359 Speaker 3: you are, to remember that you are actually a space 568 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:25,600 Speaker 3: where everything is possible. Now, what is a space? A 569 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,120 Speaker 3: space is nothing? Right? So I am still nothing. I'm 570 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,280 Speaker 3: still a space. But if I'm a space, then that 571 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:35,399 Speaker 3: means that I decide what projects into that space. I 572 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,320 Speaker 3: decide what we're going to co create in this space. 573 00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:41,639 Speaker 3: And that's when I decided to make it my bitch, 574 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:43,560 Speaker 3: because first I just had to figure out that I 575 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,199 Speaker 3: was its bitch. And that took years, yeah, because to 576 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,159 Speaker 3: see all the colors and the ways in which I 577 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,159 Speaker 3: had been this power's bitch. And then one day I 578 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:54,520 Speaker 3: took this power and I said, well, look, if you've 579 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:58,040 Speaker 3: been making me your bitch for this long and you 580 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,560 Speaker 3: exist and I exist in we're one, does that mean 581 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:04,119 Speaker 3: that I can like suck you dry as my power 582 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:07,199 Speaker 3: source and make you my bitch. And it was just 583 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:11,199 Speaker 3: kind of like, like, you know, kind of like I 584 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,280 Speaker 3: found out it's dirty secret that I held the key 585 00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:16,760 Speaker 3: and it was it was my power all along. I 586 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,040 Speaker 3: had just been giving it away. 587 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,720 Speaker 2: I think so many people can relate to that, though 588 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:24,399 Speaker 2: in different ways, Like I think we get caught up 589 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,320 Speaker 2: in our own bullshit and our same story is over 590 00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:30,680 Speaker 2: and you keep living this same like lesson or this 591 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,280 Speaker 2: podcast is called Fearlessly Failing that same kind of like 592 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:37,680 Speaker 2: you treat me the same, Oh, man. 593 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,680 Speaker 1: It's totally up to you. Well yeah, but I mean 594 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 1: it's it's so easy to get stuck. 595 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:48,400 Speaker 2: And I'm guessing that's the larvae, like the melting bit 596 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:50,440 Speaker 2: where you're kind of still stuck in this vortex and 597 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,000 Speaker 2: you're like, yeah, I can acknowledge that that's that thing, 598 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,120 Speaker 2: but it's it's almost comfy to stay there, and it's 599 00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:00,480 Speaker 2: kind of comfortable to. 600 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 1: Live in what you know, No, yeah. 601 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:04,200 Speaker 2: And so to then be like, hang on, what if 602 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 2: I turn the tables make it my bitch? Like I imagine 603 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,200 Speaker 2: that's the moment where like, as I said this, I'm 604 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:13,800 Speaker 2: sitting up tall, like it feels very empowering to think 605 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:17,560 Speaker 2: and feel that way, right, but it's also quite scary 606 00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:19,520 Speaker 2: because you're stepping out of that comfy. 607 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:22,400 Speaker 3: Like, yeah, you know, you have to recondition your whole 608 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:26,800 Speaker 3: total perception, like everything about your perception is now have 609 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,680 Speaker 3: to be thrown out the window. And it doesn't happen overnight. 610 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:33,480 Speaker 3: It's not like one day you decide and then that's it, 611 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,800 Speaker 3: you're fucking free. It's more like you decide and then 612 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:40,440 Speaker 3: you get surprised over and over how this thing is 613 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:42,840 Speaker 3: like no, no, you're my bitch again, and I'm just 614 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,320 Speaker 3: like no, and then turn it around and then no, 615 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,240 Speaker 3: and then turn it around, you know, and there's and 616 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:50,920 Speaker 3: there's this beautiful thing. But you like awaken. I mean, 617 00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 3: look at your you know, I look at my affirmations 618 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:55,640 Speaker 3: or like things that I said, Okay, this is gonna 619 00:29:55,640 --> 00:30:00,440 Speaker 3: happen happens. Yeah, they all you know, they a happened. 620 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:03,240 Speaker 3: But it's also like looking back two years ago, looking 621 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:07,000 Speaker 3: back to the things I said, and then it's all here, 622 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,000 Speaker 3: you know, so total it's pretty cool. 623 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,560 Speaker 2: I remember when I was in my first year nutrition 624 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:14,120 Speaker 2: Unied degree and I wrote I had a left hand. 625 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:16,000 Speaker 2: I'm right handed, and I had a left handed book 626 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 2: for some my bed to teach I'm really weird, to 627 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:21,960 Speaker 2: teach myself to be ambidexterous. And I'd write my dreams 628 00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:24,240 Speaker 2: with my left hand and it was like live in 629 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:27,400 Speaker 2: a tree house and I made all these goals. And 630 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,239 Speaker 2: I found the book like five years later, and I 631 00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:32,440 Speaker 2: was like, I have done everything except go on the 632 00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:35,400 Speaker 2: Ellen DeGeneres show. Oh wow, so Mike, I've done everything 633 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:35,800 Speaker 2: on the leak. 634 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:37,640 Speaker 3: We should do that. I know, we should go on 635 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:41,200 Speaker 3: the Ellen de Generoes show. Yeah she needs a yeah, Mas, 636 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:42,000 Speaker 3: she really does. 637 00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 1: Let's do it. 638 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:47,120 Speaker 3: Let's do it, Ellen, if you're listening, or for anyone 639 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:48,520 Speaker 3: who's listening who knows. 640 00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:50,920 Speaker 1: Ellen, Yeah, mank hook a hooker up. 641 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:54,760 Speaker 2: Do you want to talk to failure? Like, I'm so 642 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,959 Speaker 2: happy for you didn't rate this. Is there anything that 643 00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,280 Speaker 2: comes to mind when I say, because I imagine you've 644 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:02,240 Speaker 2: got a pretendly have a different take to some people, 645 00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:04,760 Speaker 2: because I've interviewed food people and they've said, can we 646 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:05,880 Speaker 2: not call it a failure? 647 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:07,600 Speaker 1: And I'm like, of course, we don't have to. 648 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:09,280 Speaker 2: We can call it whatever you want to call it. 649 00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 2: I love failing personally. I love being like, oh wow, 650 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,600 Speaker 2: but yet, give me, give me a felt, give me 651 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:17,080 Speaker 2: a buck. 652 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:19,320 Speaker 3: Man. I fail at shit all the time, you know, 653 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:22,280 Speaker 3: like if people are if you're not failing, like you 654 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,440 Speaker 3: are not alive, you know, so you know you want 655 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:28,520 Speaker 3: to know how to live, like, be open to failing. 656 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,160 Speaker 3: I think that that's where my life started, when I 657 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:35,600 Speaker 3: started being willing to fail. I love it just being willing. 658 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:38,840 Speaker 1: At any moments or little examples that come to mind. 659 00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:40,959 Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure. Well, one time I got offered this 660 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:44,440 Speaker 3: gig so I was gonna guide a mass meditation for 661 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:47,320 Speaker 3: three thousand guests at Madison Square Garden, like in the 662 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:50,320 Speaker 3: main room. Now to be clear, like Madison Square Garden 663 00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:53,480 Speaker 3: can fit twenty thousand people, and so my ultimate vision 664 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,160 Speaker 3: is to guide twenty thousand people in Madison Square Garden. 665 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,520 Speaker 3: So if you're listening, feel free to hold me to that. 666 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,240 Speaker 3: But at this time, this was three thoughts. I was like, 667 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,400 Speaker 3: we're in the right direction, right, So I was really 668 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:06,760 Speaker 3: excited about this. And as the time grew closer, there 669 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,920 Speaker 3: was a lot of problems with this organization and they 670 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:12,560 Speaker 3: were just not sending the paperwork and it was really 671 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:14,960 Speaker 3: getting weird, and I was like, this is unusual. It's 672 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:18,160 Speaker 3: sign that something might go wrong, you know. And so 673 00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:21,479 Speaker 3: I was in LA and I got I had this 674 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:23,640 Speaker 3: feeling that the news was about to come that they 675 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:25,400 Speaker 3: were going to cancel. And it was three weeks before 676 00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:28,320 Speaker 3: the experience, and I was so excited for it. And 677 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,200 Speaker 3: I got this email, of course, and it was like, 678 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:35,120 Speaker 3: we have to cancel. And luckily I was in this 679 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,400 Speaker 3: zone where I was like naturally tripping on acid, which 680 00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:40,000 Speaker 3: is what I just so you know, like if you 681 00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,080 Speaker 3: come to meditate with me, it's what I do for people. 682 00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:44,479 Speaker 3: I get you high as fuck like you've never been 683 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 3: high before with zero drugs, get to one. 684 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:47,959 Speaker 1: To lost people. 685 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:53,239 Speaker 3: Yeah the oh yeah Albourn. Yeah. Man. So it's like, 686 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,120 Speaker 3: you know, I just was on my own trip in 687 00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,360 Speaker 3: that way. So as I got the email, I felt 688 00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:01,440 Speaker 3: this wave hit me. So I write the guy back 689 00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:04,880 Speaker 3: and I said, I just want to thank you for 690 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:09,800 Speaker 3: giving me this opportunity. And I was like, you know, 691 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:12,840 Speaker 3: the fact that this is happening right now, this is 692 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,560 Speaker 3: one of my greatest dreams ever, is to guide this 693 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:18,440 Speaker 3: meditation experience, and the fact that you're canceling it on 694 00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:21,320 Speaker 3: me just makes me feel like I'm really moving in 695 00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:25,240 Speaker 3: the right direction. And I was like, because a lot 696 00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:28,480 Speaker 3: of because anyone who's moving towards greatness has to experience 697 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,360 Speaker 3: great loss and agony on the way. And you have 698 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:34,520 Speaker 3: broken my heart with this news. And I was like, 699 00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:38,320 Speaker 3: and he was so touched by my email he didn't 700 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:39,600 Speaker 3: even know what to do. But the point is it's 701 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,640 Speaker 3: like in this fucking company who I won't name is 702 00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:46,520 Speaker 3: totally fucking going bankrupt now, Like they were like that 703 00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:49,560 Speaker 3: the top, like everyone was like, I want to work 704 00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:51,960 Speaker 3: with this company. It turns out as of like a 705 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:55,280 Speaker 3: couple of weeks ago, they're going down. So it's weird 706 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:58,320 Speaker 3: how those things all connect. But it was one of 707 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:00,200 Speaker 3: the greatest failures of my life. I was like, I 708 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:02,600 Speaker 3: went from feeling like that was gonna happen to it 709 00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:05,040 Speaker 3: like being completely taken. Yeah. 710 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:07,480 Speaker 2: Man, I'd feel I'm hearing now I've been booked for 711 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:09,160 Speaker 2: gigs and I'd be like, oh my god, my first 712 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:11,960 Speaker 2: e a ted talk right, And I was so excited 713 00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:14,560 Speaker 2: And they pulled the pin on me two weeks before, 714 00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:17,719 Speaker 2: wouldn't give a good reason, and I wasn't as gracious 715 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:18,600 Speaker 2: as you, and. 716 00:34:18,680 --> 00:34:21,279 Speaker 1: I was like, what the hell, who's this bitch? I 717 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:22,200 Speaker 1: was getting excited? 718 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:24,839 Speaker 2: I was like twenty three, and I was like all 719 00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:29,200 Speaker 2: about like just people like I took it so personally, 720 00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:31,680 Speaker 2: and that's been my biggest lesson. I would always take 721 00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:34,719 Speaker 2: failures really personally, or if something didn't go right, I'd 722 00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:38,160 Speaker 2: feel like it's a reflection of me as opposed to 723 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,280 Speaker 2: it can be so many other things, like me other people. 724 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:44,000 Speaker 2: I've lost gigs on TV for having blonde hair not brownhie, 725 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,919 Speaker 2: do you know what I mean? Like you're not gonna 726 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:47,200 Speaker 2: win them all, I. 727 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:51,120 Speaker 3: Know, but you'd think being like as eggccentric as I 728 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:55,680 Speaker 3: am or as like optimistic, like endlessly optimistic as I am, 729 00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:59,000 Speaker 3: like I just don't see denying force. I don't see it. 730 00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:01,759 Speaker 3: I don't see that things might not go the way 731 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,080 Speaker 3: I plan. So for me, any hiccup is like a 732 00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:08,719 Speaker 3: huge shock because I'm just like, how is it possible? 733 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,000 Speaker 3: Like but then I have to lean back and be like, 734 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,440 Speaker 3: oh no, so, but let me just share a few 735 00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:16,839 Speaker 3: more because I give you so that was one and 736 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:18,520 Speaker 3: then oh I felt like I was going to share 737 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:21,480 Speaker 3: another one with you here. Recently, my biggest failure, and 738 00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:24,840 Speaker 3: this is I haven't concluded yet is like body love. 739 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,640 Speaker 3: I haven't figured that one out at all, Like I'm not, 740 00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:31,400 Speaker 3: I don't. I'm like partially very very beautiful and like 741 00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:34,840 Speaker 3: very attractive, and partially like I have some flaws that I'm. 742 00:35:34,719 --> 00:35:36,959 Speaker 1: Just like, you're pretty beautiful, mate. 743 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:39,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, but listen, like I'm saying, like I have flaws 744 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:42,560 Speaker 3: that I have not been able to reconcile, Like I 745 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:45,520 Speaker 3: think I don't know whether that means I'm supposed to 746 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 3: like go on some crazy like hardcore like workout system 747 00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 3: or diet system. I don't diet, by the way, but 748 00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:54,840 Speaker 3: like I'm talking about like eating healthy system something to 749 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:57,359 Speaker 3: self love on myself in some new way that I've 750 00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:00,719 Speaker 3: never tried before. Maybe, But the other option is like 751 00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:03,239 Speaker 3: maybe I'm just supposed to love myself with like celluli 752 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,040 Speaker 3: and some flaws. I don't know. But what I do 753 00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:08,800 Speaker 3: know is that this journey of like self loathing using 754 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:12,000 Speaker 3: my body as a punching bag because of all the 755 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:13,919 Speaker 3: trauma that I've been through, because I don't I think 756 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:18,160 Speaker 3: those things are correlated, you know, like food, food intake, 757 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:21,600 Speaker 3: and my grandma whose name was Lola, she used to 758 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:25,080 Speaker 3: feed me like she just fed me like toasted bread 759 00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:27,440 Speaker 3: with cheese, you know, and like to me, it's like 760 00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:29,640 Speaker 3: when I'm feeling sad, which you know happens all the 761 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,319 Speaker 3: time as a human being, I'll be like, I just 762 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:35,759 Speaker 3: bring Lola back by eating bread and cheese, like I'm 763 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:38,120 Speaker 3: just like Lola. And then the fucking bread, like the 764 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:41,080 Speaker 3: bagel will be finished, and I'm like, Lola's dead, Like 765 00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:44,359 Speaker 3: Lola is not here anymore. You can't bring her back 766 00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 3: with a bagel. So that's a way in which like 767 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,120 Speaker 3: I'm still working with and I love that I'm sharing 768 00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:53,440 Speaker 3: this because I think as a spiritual teacher, I've always 769 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,560 Speaker 3: felt like I'm not allowed to tell you that I 770 00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:00,680 Speaker 3: still am experiencing things like I'm working on like. 771 00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,040 Speaker 4: I'm supposed to be like and now like I have 772 00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:07,080 Speaker 4: a baby, and that even though my other baby died, 773 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,640 Speaker 4: I have a baby now, or like even though I 774 00:37:09,719 --> 00:37:11,680 Speaker 4: used to be poor, now motherfucking rich. 775 00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:14,200 Speaker 3: And even though I used to be chronically single and 776 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:17,040 Speaker 3: dating the wrong guy over and over, I'm with the handsomest, 777 00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:21,440 Speaker 3: most amazing man for ten years. Like not my style 778 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,919 Speaker 3: to tell you that I've got cellulate and I hate 779 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:26,319 Speaker 3: my body sometimes, Like not my style, but I just 780 00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:28,800 Speaker 3: think there's something really humbling to like tell you the truth. 781 00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:31,040 Speaker 2: But also I think and I can relate to you, 782 00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:33,799 Speaker 2: and I know that like probably one hundred percent of 783 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,160 Speaker 2: the women listening to this can relate to you. Like 784 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:40,400 Speaker 2: I'm nutritionist, but I've had massive history of eating disorders 785 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:43,640 Speaker 2: and the self floathing. But also the body dysmorphia is 786 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:45,520 Speaker 2: fucking massive. 787 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:46,240 Speaker 3: It's massive. 788 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,000 Speaker 2: Like I'm a small human, you're a small human. And 789 00:37:49,080 --> 00:37:51,839 Speaker 2: my boyfriend is like, say what, Like when I'm like 790 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:54,239 Speaker 2: I'm having I feel really fat today, or I'll be 791 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:56,239 Speaker 2: like I've got celluli, He's like, I can't see it. 792 00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:58,319 Speaker 3: Same they don't see it. I don't know what trip 793 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:01,280 Speaker 3: they're on. They don't see cellulate. I don't get it. Yeah, 794 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:02,120 Speaker 3: my man. 795 00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:04,960 Speaker 1: Is like ass, Yeah, that's all he sees. 796 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:07,719 Speaker 3: He's like, I love me some ass. And every time 797 00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:09,400 Speaker 3: he sees like a heart girl in the street, it's 798 00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:11,600 Speaker 3: always some girl with a big ass. I'm like, that 799 00:38:11,719 --> 00:38:12,799 Speaker 3: is not even what. 800 00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:17,120 Speaker 2: There's a theory that women care about their esthetic looks 801 00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:21,080 Speaker 2: and their body and all that for other women because 802 00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:23,879 Speaker 2: we judge each other so harshly, whereas men just love, 803 00:38:24,239 --> 00:38:26,200 Speaker 2: like they love a woman to look like a woman, 804 00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:28,880 Speaker 2: not like a Barbie doll or a stick figure or 805 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:31,759 Speaker 2: like all these other things that we think are perfect. 806 00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:33,960 Speaker 1: So it's pretty fascinating. 807 00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:37,319 Speaker 2: But I love that you shared that because man, oh man, Like, 808 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:39,680 Speaker 2: I can have days where I'm like, I've emotionally eaten 809 00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:43,240 Speaker 2: and normally it's hormonal, which is also normal for women 810 00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:46,040 Speaker 2: to crave things before they get their period and shit 811 00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:46,480 Speaker 2: like that. 812 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:47,719 Speaker 1: Do you know, Like, but. 813 00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:51,280 Speaker 2: We're taught that, oh, having that you know, the Lolla 814 00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:53,760 Speaker 2: food that you had, you know, the toast and cheese 815 00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:57,839 Speaker 2: or having a bit of chocolate, we're like automatically like, 816 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:00,440 Speaker 2: I feel shame and guilt when I I feel like 817 00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:03,680 Speaker 2: I've overindulged, and so thank you for sharing that stuff, 818 00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:07,560 Speaker 2: because mate, that's me. Like a good day is just 819 00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:10,000 Speaker 2: a pinch of chocolate most starts, you know, so I 820 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:14,680 Speaker 2: think fuck. Also, like one thing I say to people, 821 00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:16,600 Speaker 2: and I've learned this, I did write a diet book 822 00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:20,000 Speaker 2: and I've put on and lost heaps away publicly. So 823 00:39:20,239 --> 00:39:23,880 Speaker 2: pretty people love commenting on my body, and so I've 824 00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:26,120 Speaker 2: said when i've been I've gone listen, I'm either going 825 00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:28,000 Speaker 2: to be too fat for someone or too skinny for 826 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:28,680 Speaker 2: someone else. 827 00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:31,200 Speaker 1: So why not do what feels good for me? And 828 00:39:31,239 --> 00:39:32,360 Speaker 1: that's pretty empowering. 829 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,520 Speaker 2: And I've had and this is my new thing I've 830 00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:38,240 Speaker 2: had someone say to me again, people just love commenting. 831 00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:40,680 Speaker 1: I'm probably bringing it in because I'm still learning about it. 832 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:44,640 Speaker 2: But someone's like, I've been doing my yoga teacher training 833 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:48,200 Speaker 2: and you naturally you're training for like four hours a day, mate, 834 00:39:48,239 --> 00:39:51,359 Speaker 2: Like your body gets lean and limba because you're doing 835 00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:54,880 Speaker 2: these vina supposas and over someone's like, oh, you know, 836 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,200 Speaker 2: you look a bit too lean, And I said, for who? 837 00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:00,759 Speaker 3: Right. It's also can be really true though, when people 838 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,040 Speaker 3: say that, like I'm like should I go eat something now? 839 00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:06,759 Speaker 3: Like what? Yeh? And I also never loved the word triggering, 840 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:09,080 Speaker 3: like I felt like, what, I'm like such an asshole, 841 00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:13,840 Speaker 3: like I'm very masculine, I'll shoot you kind of like 842 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:15,759 Speaker 3: I'm not, I'm kind of a criminal, like I just 843 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:18,319 Speaker 3: I don't really think of things in those terms. I'm 844 00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:21,960 Speaker 3: like triggering. What am I some like whiny fucking codependent 845 00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:25,680 Speaker 3: anonymous person? Like what you know? So I just whenever 846 00:40:25,719 --> 00:40:27,799 Speaker 3: I hear that, But it's true, Like to me, what 847 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:31,480 Speaker 3: the word triggering just means now is like I travel 848 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,960 Speaker 3: back in time. It's like something will happen here and now, 849 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:37,719 Speaker 3: like I'll see something or I'll hear something, and all 850 00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:40,000 Speaker 3: of a sudden, I become an eight year old whose 851 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,480 Speaker 3: mom just died, and I'm sitting all alone with no 852 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:45,680 Speaker 3: food in my apartment, and I got a toast and 853 00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:47,279 Speaker 3: some a one sauce in the fridge. 854 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:48,600 Speaker 1: I like, say, one sauce. 855 00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:49,560 Speaker 3: You guys don't have that? 856 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:50,960 Speaker 1: We do? What is it? 857 00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:55,160 Speaker 3: It's disgusting. It's like some kind of sugary wooster sure 858 00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:58,840 Speaker 3: type thing. So I used to so we had no food. 859 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:01,880 Speaker 3: My dad was this awakened Guru would like just go off, disappear. 860 00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:04,719 Speaker 3: My my brother was like the metal head guy who 861 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:07,279 Speaker 3: was like I don't know what he was doing. And 862 00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:09,319 Speaker 3: so I would come home. I'd be like alone for 863 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:12,200 Speaker 3: hours and hours watching like Little House on the Prairie, 864 00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:14,600 Speaker 3: which I don't know if you have that show. But 865 00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:16,960 Speaker 3: then like there was no foods, I'd like open the fridge. 866 00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:18,880 Speaker 3: I was like bread, a one sauce like, so I 867 00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:20,600 Speaker 3: would like put the a one sauce on the and 868 00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:23,600 Speaker 3: then like make toast and that was my meal. And 869 00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:25,319 Speaker 3: it was just like and then my dad would come 870 00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,000 Speaker 3: home at two in the morning with a bunch of 871 00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:29,279 Speaker 3: food and it was two am, but I couldn't sleep 872 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,120 Speaker 3: because I was a fucking m insomniac as a child. 873 00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:34,840 Speaker 3: And so he'd come up and be like hello, He's like, 874 00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:36,640 Speaker 3: you ought awike, and I was, of course I was awake, 875 00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:39,160 Speaker 3: and he's like, I have food. And he would make 876 00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:42,480 Speaker 3: me toast with cheese and like sweet tea with sugar 877 00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:45,680 Speaker 3: and so like and honey. And I was like that's 878 00:41:45,719 --> 00:41:48,480 Speaker 3: what I turned to because that's like the feeling of 879 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:51,759 Speaker 3: my father came home at in the morning. Yeah, and 880 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:55,160 Speaker 3: it's like, not that's that's triggering whatever the fuck that word. Yeah. 881 00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:57,160 Speaker 2: I liked that you have packed triggering though, because that 882 00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:00,439 Speaker 2: word gets thrown around a truckload much. 883 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:01,840 Speaker 1: You hear that word all the time. 884 00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:05,160 Speaker 3: Really annoying. I'm like, stop, Yeah, I love how I 885 00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:08,640 Speaker 3: use it as an excuse. Thats jiggered. It's like, it's 886 00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:12,279 Speaker 3: like Instagram's not that fucking powerful, you know, it's just 887 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:16,440 Speaker 3: a fucking device. Yeah, you weren't triggered. You are responsible 888 00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:18,120 Speaker 3: for that experience, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, 889 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,040 Speaker 3: maybe you traveled back in time to a time when 890 00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:22,320 Speaker 3: you were traumatized as a kid, but it's not fucking 891 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:25,319 Speaker 3: whoever the fox fault on Instagram that you travel. 892 00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:27,040 Speaker 1: Totally, totally, totally. 893 00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:29,600 Speaker 2: This is gonna feel like I'm turning a different corner 894 00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:32,279 Speaker 2: here right now. But is it true that you compose 895 00:42:33,719 --> 00:42:35,480 Speaker 2: music for meditation? 896 00:42:36,239 --> 00:42:37,680 Speaker 1: Am I saying this right? For your meditation? 897 00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:41,799 Speaker 3: Yeah? I score my meditation with my own music. But 898 00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:47,080 Speaker 3: to be clear, it's not like Kumbai uh like Gembay. 899 00:42:47,239 --> 00:42:49,920 Speaker 3: You know, I don't know what you call that fucking 900 00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:55,160 Speaker 3: instrument with the Hindu. It's none of kit, none of that. 901 00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:57,239 Speaker 3: It's none of that. It's more like it's pop based. 902 00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:59,000 Speaker 3: My new record is gonna be like pop pop. 903 00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,640 Speaker 1: I've found your I found a video clip on YouTube. 904 00:43:01,719 --> 00:43:03,919 Speaker 1: Did you of the song I in the Sky? 905 00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:06,319 Speaker 3: Oh? Yeah, I didn't write that, but that's the cover 906 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:08,000 Speaker 3: video clip. 907 00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:08,640 Speaker 1: Thanks. 908 00:43:09,719 --> 00:43:11,799 Speaker 2: You were just one of those people that, like, even 909 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:14,480 Speaker 2: just being around you, I feel inspired because you're creative. 910 00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:17,120 Speaker 2: You're marching to the beat of your own drum. That's 911 00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,480 Speaker 2: my only rule about this podcast. For everyone that comes on, 912 00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:19,879 Speaker 2: I'm like. 913 00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:21,960 Speaker 1: As long as they're marching to the beat that they 914 00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,359 Speaker 1: are on drum, they can get on here. Like bring 915 00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:24,640 Speaker 1: them on. 916 00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:27,720 Speaker 2: And when I say that, I mean you're doing you. Yeah, 917 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:30,000 Speaker 2: you're doing what feels obviously real. 918 00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:34,520 Speaker 1: And honest in your heart. And to me, that feels 919 00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:36,480 Speaker 1: like the recipe for bliss. 920 00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:36,920 Speaker 3: It is. 921 00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:41,759 Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, like for people listening if they're like, 922 00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:44,000 Speaker 2: and you touch on this earlier, but like if they're 923 00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:46,560 Speaker 2: feeling a little bit like stuck, yeah, or a bit 924 00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:48,680 Speaker 2: lust or a bit like, oh, I'm hitting a lot 925 00:43:48,719 --> 00:43:51,399 Speaker 2: of closed doors right now, which you can feel when 926 00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:54,680 Speaker 2: you go after your dreams. You mentioned that before you know, 927 00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:57,360 Speaker 2: and they say, you know, you fall down seven times, 928 00:43:57,360 --> 00:43:59,760 Speaker 2: you get up the eighth one, or it's right before 929 00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:02,400 Speaker 2: that moment where you're about to give up that everything 930 00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:07,200 Speaker 2: turns around. Like what, like you've got so many gems 931 00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:08,200 Speaker 2: of wisdom because you're. 932 00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:11,640 Speaker 3: Very wise, wise and broken. 933 00:44:12,120 --> 00:44:14,719 Speaker 2: No, but and there's this other magic in someone that's 934 00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:19,239 Speaker 2: felt darkness and then to be in light. And to me, 935 00:44:19,480 --> 00:44:25,360 Speaker 2: that's real human nature, Like that's the real human experience. Yeah, 936 00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:29,160 Speaker 2: because I don't think we don't go and not feel anything. Yeah, 937 00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:31,280 Speaker 2: and you said before like, yeah, I have sad days. 938 00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:33,960 Speaker 1: I'm sad sometimes and that's okay. 939 00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:36,759 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's hard for it to be okay for a 940 00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:40,120 Speaker 3: perfectionist like me. Right, it's hard, but I work with it. 941 00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:43,319 Speaker 3: Like I'm like, all right, sadness is you know, you 942 00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:45,520 Speaker 3: know what made me really hit me? Like a couple 943 00:44:45,560 --> 00:44:47,720 Speaker 3: of months ago, I was really sad for a minute. 944 00:44:47,719 --> 00:44:49,360 Speaker 3: Like I don't get sad for long today, but I 945 00:44:49,400 --> 00:44:52,040 Speaker 3: get sad sometimes, And so I was sad for like 946 00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:54,120 Speaker 3: whatever an hour, And in that moment, I was like 947 00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:57,360 Speaker 3: so ashamed of how sad I was, and I was 948 00:44:57,400 --> 00:44:59,080 Speaker 3: like I'm not allowed to be sad again, like I'm 949 00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:03,359 Speaker 3: a spiritual girl. And then I'm like wait, but by it, 950 00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:06,520 Speaker 3: Like the reason you write such fucking epic music is 951 00:45:06,560 --> 00:45:11,400 Speaker 3: because you because you really feel sadness like you you 952 00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,360 Speaker 3: don't kind of feel sadness. 953 00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:14,520 Speaker 1: Like you really feel sadness. 954 00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:17,080 Speaker 3: And the reason I help thousands of people across the world, 955 00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:19,400 Speaker 3: and the reason my book is so effective is because 956 00:45:19,719 --> 00:45:23,479 Speaker 3: I really feel sadness, like I don't just I dip 957 00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:25,520 Speaker 3: my toe in it, like I'm like, if you're gonna 958 00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:29,040 Speaker 3: fucking come, like we're gonna fucking fuck, let's fuck, let's 959 00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:31,560 Speaker 3: fuck right now. And I have sex with sadness. I like, 960 00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:35,160 Speaker 3: I make love to sadness. And then records are yeah, you. 961 00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:37,760 Speaker 1: Know, have you heard the score to the New Joker movie? 962 00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:38,120 Speaker 2: No? 963 00:45:38,320 --> 00:45:39,200 Speaker 1: Have you seen the movie? 964 00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:39,400 Speaker 4: No? 965 00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:43,920 Speaker 2: So it's a wakin Phoenix is the Joker, but the 966 00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:49,240 Speaker 2: score is done by this phenomenal Icelandic musician called Hilda. 967 00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:51,759 Speaker 2: I don't know how to say her second name. And 968 00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:54,040 Speaker 2: I've listened to a podcast with her and she's like, oh, 969 00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:56,759 Speaker 2: like god like happy, really bubbly walks in with a 970 00:45:56,880 --> 00:46:01,080 Speaker 2: yoga mat like bubbly, bubbly girl. This music is dark 971 00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:04,359 Speaker 2: like and they get her in for all their like 972 00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:08,479 Speaker 2: you and and it's one of the only movies where 973 00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:11,719 Speaker 2: the score was written before the script, so they base 974 00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:15,280 Speaker 2: this movie around her score. 975 00:46:15,480 --> 00:46:16,680 Speaker 3: I'm so jealous right now. 976 00:46:16,760 --> 00:46:19,000 Speaker 2: This is like really, I feel like you two are 977 00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:22,160 Speaker 2: like kindred spirits and she's really but like the way 978 00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:24,759 Speaker 2: you're talking really now. But the music is like like 979 00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:28,200 Speaker 2: it is dark, epically dark, like me and my boyfriend like, 980 00:46:28,239 --> 00:46:28,799 Speaker 2: can we listen to. 981 00:46:28,840 --> 00:46:30,080 Speaker 3: The Joker soundtrack again? 982 00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:33,040 Speaker 2: He's a music producer as well and loves doing scores 983 00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:35,719 Speaker 2: and composing, so he we both just and now we've 984 00:46:35,719 --> 00:46:38,560 Speaker 2: started to look up any many movie that she's kind 985 00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:40,439 Speaker 2: of done or her mates have kind of done, because 986 00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:43,200 Speaker 2: it's this and it's I think it's because it's tapping 987 00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:46,120 Speaker 2: into this depth that we all feel but we don't 988 00:46:46,160 --> 00:46:47,000 Speaker 2: always talk about. 989 00:46:47,280 --> 00:46:47,480 Speaker 3: Right. 990 00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:49,600 Speaker 1: It's so inspired. 991 00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:53,719 Speaker 3: Because we're all going to die, right right, I find. 992 00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:56,120 Speaker 1: And I Calle, we're about talk about eathie, But a 993 00:46:56,120 --> 00:46:59,920 Speaker 1: lot of people fear death. I don't think it's scare. 994 00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:00,959 Speaker 1: I don't know why. 995 00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:05,759 Speaker 3: You know, like, well, that's beautiful, I mean, because it's blissful. 996 00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:07,440 Speaker 3: You probably just remember. 997 00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:11,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, my I work with a healer and therapist, Terry, 998 00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:16,040 Speaker 2: and he says that like he talks about love in 999 00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:19,560 Speaker 2: this lifetime and he says, if you're here, he talks 1000 00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:21,480 Speaker 2: about it. If you'r he is to discover self love 1001 00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:24,319 Speaker 2: in this lifetime at the point of your death. In 1002 00:47:24,360 --> 00:47:27,719 Speaker 2: your last life, you were loved at that point, right, And. 1003 00:47:27,640 --> 00:47:30,080 Speaker 1: I'm like, I like that. Oh, definitely like pave that 1004 00:47:30,160 --> 00:47:30,440 Speaker 1: with me. 1005 00:47:30,880 --> 00:47:35,040 Speaker 2: I read that you said depression is a gateway to bliss. 1006 00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:37,200 Speaker 1: Hmmm, that's pretty cool. 1007 00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:38,600 Speaker 3: I like that. It's true. 1008 00:47:39,760 --> 00:47:40,600 Speaker 1: It's interesting. 1009 00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:43,279 Speaker 2: A lot of people would be like, oh, I would 1010 00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:45,400 Speaker 2: associate the two as two separate entities. 1011 00:47:45,600 --> 00:47:46,680 Speaker 3: They're the same. 1012 00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:50,840 Speaker 2: So would you say that place we feel darkness is 1013 00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:53,480 Speaker 2: also the place that we can access bliss. 1014 00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:58,640 Speaker 3: I just think when you start, you know, qualifying one 1015 00:47:58,760 --> 00:48:03,000 Speaker 3: or the other as and you just accept that you're 1016 00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:09,160 Speaker 3: here to co create magical experiences and create things. You're 1017 00:48:09,160 --> 00:48:13,200 Speaker 3: actually here to create things. And for some people that's music, 1018 00:48:13,239 --> 00:48:16,960 Speaker 3: for others that's literature, for some it's architecture, for some 1019 00:48:17,600 --> 00:48:20,960 Speaker 3: it's plumbing. I mean, there's really no it doesn't matter 1020 00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:23,719 Speaker 3: what your craft is. It just matters that you are 1021 00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:26,360 Speaker 3: in essence when you are doing it right, and that 1022 00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:29,799 Speaker 3: you're remembering that you have a soul. And I don't 1023 00:48:29,880 --> 00:48:32,439 Speaker 3: think it matters, Like when I'm sad, if I can 1024 00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:36,200 Speaker 3: remember my soul, it's like it doesn't matter that I'm 1025 00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:38,719 Speaker 3: sad at all. And if I'm happy, if I can 1026 00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:41,520 Speaker 3: remember that I have a soul, it doesn't matter that 1027 00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:45,960 Speaker 3: I'm happy. It's only when I get pulled into happiness 1028 00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:49,799 Speaker 3: or pulled into sadness and I become identified with either 1029 00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:53,120 Speaker 3: of those that I start to really suffer, because suffering 1030 00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:58,200 Speaker 3: comes from identifying with feelings rather than being with. 1031 00:48:58,239 --> 00:49:00,760 Speaker 1: Feelings like yes, rather than. 1032 00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:04,200 Speaker 3: Being with them and in love with them and then 1033 00:49:04,440 --> 00:49:08,960 Speaker 3: experiencing life despite them. But I become the feeling when 1034 00:49:09,000 --> 00:49:12,319 Speaker 3: I'm like I am sadness, Yeah, that's when I get 1035 00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:16,720 Speaker 3: depressed because I'm not fucking sadness. I've never been sadness. 1036 00:49:16,800 --> 00:49:19,880 Speaker 3: I can't be sad yet, right, But I don't remember that. 1037 00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:22,759 Speaker 3: When I'm really really sad, it's like me and the sadness, 1038 00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:26,120 Speaker 3: it sucks me in And the next thing, I know, 1039 00:49:26,280 --> 00:49:29,400 Speaker 3: you're like yet, you know, you're really beautiful, you're so talented, 1040 00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:32,840 Speaker 3: you're like really smart, and I'm like, I don't even exist, 1041 00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:37,560 Speaker 3: I don't even matter, And it's like you're not a feeling, 1042 00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:42,480 Speaker 3: You're a fucking human, and a human isn't isn't just 1043 00:49:42,520 --> 00:49:48,120 Speaker 3: a small projection of this infinite source of light. That's it. 1044 00:49:48,239 --> 00:49:52,600 Speaker 3: The human is this incredible opportunity to see something that 1045 00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:55,640 Speaker 3: cannot be seen when you're blinded by sheer light, which 1046 00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:58,680 Speaker 3: is what's projecting this down. And so it's like, of 1047 00:49:58,719 --> 00:50:00,600 Speaker 3: course I can't fucking see any of When I'm like 1048 00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:05,160 Speaker 3: I am sadness as I call up someone and I'm like, 1049 00:50:05,239 --> 00:50:07,759 Speaker 3: I don't get feel anything. I was like, as you 1050 00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:09,400 Speaker 3: can't feel and think is all you are? Is this 1051 00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:13,200 Speaker 3: one my totally not the rainbow of your fucking existence? 1052 00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:14,640 Speaker 3: You just sadness? 1053 00:50:14,719 --> 00:50:15,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, totally? 1054 00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:18,040 Speaker 3: Or just happiness. It's like boring, Like when you're like, 1055 00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:20,840 Speaker 3: I'm just so happens so amazing, It's like you're a 1056 00:50:20,880 --> 00:50:21,720 Speaker 3: fucking idiot. 1057 00:50:21,840 --> 00:50:23,479 Speaker 1: You would you say as well? 1058 00:50:24,280 --> 00:50:24,680 Speaker 3: And do you? 1059 00:50:24,719 --> 00:50:26,200 Speaker 2: As you were speaking about this, had just kind of 1060 00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:29,520 Speaker 2: got me excited to ask one more little question. I 1061 00:50:29,560 --> 00:50:31,040 Speaker 2: know we've getting to the end, but how do you 1062 00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:32,160 Speaker 2: feel about non attachment? 1063 00:50:32,640 --> 00:50:33,400 Speaker 3: What do you mean by that? 1064 00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:35,520 Speaker 1: Okay? Oh I swee. Your eyes light up as you 1065 00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:37,759 Speaker 1: said that as well. So like as we're talking about 1066 00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:40,560 Speaker 1: like when we kind of like believe that we are 1067 00:50:40,600 --> 00:50:41,080 Speaker 1: a feeling. 1068 00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:45,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, and then sometimes like say you might date someone 1069 00:50:46,280 --> 00:50:49,399 Speaker 2: and you think they're you're soul bud and it feels 1070 00:50:49,440 --> 00:50:51,200 Speaker 2: really great, and then you go through a really shitty 1071 00:50:51,239 --> 00:50:53,000 Speaker 2: breakup and you find it really hard to let go, 1072 00:50:53,320 --> 00:50:56,440 Speaker 2: and so you're still attached to this person. Or it 1073 00:50:56,440 --> 00:50:58,759 Speaker 2: can be that you're attached to a materialistic thing, like 1074 00:50:59,239 --> 00:51:01,840 Speaker 2: you know, my car deal last week just came to it. 1075 00:51:01,880 --> 00:51:03,719 Speaker 2: I was an ambassador for a car company for a 1076 00:51:03,719 --> 00:51:06,000 Speaker 2: while and came to an end last week. They were 1077 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,759 Speaker 2: just like, take the car and I was like but 1078 00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:11,879 Speaker 2: and you know, for a couple of days, I was like, oh, 1079 00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:14,200 Speaker 2: I'm not good enough. They've dropped me as an ambassador. 1080 00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:16,400 Speaker 2: And my boyfriend's like, no, no, you just at the end 1081 00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:18,680 Speaker 2: of your two year contract. That's what happens at the 1082 00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:22,000 Speaker 2: end of contracts. But I was attached to the to 1083 00:51:22,080 --> 00:51:25,719 Speaker 2: this one materialistic thing. Or I definitely have dated people. 1084 00:51:25,760 --> 00:51:29,680 Speaker 2: Then I'm attached to the idea of them. Yes, like 1085 00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:33,040 Speaker 2: like I imagine you've got this down, pat I do. 1086 00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:39,640 Speaker 3: So there's a So my book is divided into forty 1087 00:51:39,640 --> 00:51:42,279 Speaker 3: four laws. So there are these laws that prevent you 1088 00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:42,920 Speaker 3: from enlightened. 1089 00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:43,759 Speaker 1: Don't just sit there. 1090 00:51:43,880 --> 00:51:47,120 Speaker 3: Downtown's best correct, So don't just sit There is a 1091 00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:49,919 Speaker 3: book about how to meditate in the real world like wow, 1092 00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:55,520 Speaker 3: wanting shit, getting shit, losing contracts and getting contracts, other things. 1093 00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:58,640 Speaker 3: And so there's this one which is I guess the 1094 00:51:58,719 --> 00:52:01,440 Speaker 3: law of three could be one of them, but I 1095 00:52:01,440 --> 00:52:03,399 Speaker 3: think the I guess it's the law of three, which 1096 00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:05,839 Speaker 3: is mainly like this idea that if you don't have 1097 00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:09,880 Speaker 3: a centrifugal force in your life, that is the power. 1098 00:52:10,719 --> 00:52:13,360 Speaker 3: So like to me, like, I'm not dating my husband, 1099 00:52:13,480 --> 00:52:17,279 Speaker 3: he's not my source, Like I'm kind of to me, 1100 00:52:17,840 --> 00:52:19,960 Speaker 3: we're having a threesome, me and me and my husband. 1101 00:52:20,480 --> 00:52:24,520 Speaker 3: And in my view, I am dating what I call God. 1102 00:52:24,719 --> 00:52:27,080 Speaker 3: I am not religious. I want to be super cleer here. 1103 00:52:27,239 --> 00:52:30,879 Speaker 3: But to me, there's a benevolent force of infinite light, 1104 00:52:30,960 --> 00:52:32,880 Speaker 3: which if I, you know, gave you a tab of 1105 00:52:32,920 --> 00:52:35,360 Speaker 3: acid right now, you'd be like, oh that okay, thanks, BT, 1106 00:52:35,440 --> 00:52:37,280 Speaker 3: got it right. Or if you came to my meditation 1107 00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:41,000 Speaker 3: at Wanderla's will, which you will, and it's like, oh, 1108 00:52:41,040 --> 00:52:42,560 Speaker 3: what the fuck was that? Right? 1109 00:52:42,719 --> 00:52:43,360 Speaker 1: So I pumped. 1110 00:52:43,840 --> 00:52:46,319 Speaker 3: I'm pumped you no, because I just love I love 1111 00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:49,120 Speaker 3: the surprise on people's faces when they come to my experiences, 1112 00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:51,919 Speaker 3: because they're waiting for somebody to be like and now 1113 00:52:52,080 --> 00:52:56,960 Speaker 3: you're just gonna breathe in haale, just feel the bliss 1114 00:52:57,040 --> 00:53:04,320 Speaker 3: of your body and you veins and it's like somebody 1115 00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:05,720 Speaker 3: stabbed me in the eye. 1116 00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:13,480 Speaker 1: Can wait a friend's place because I wish I could 1117 00:53:13,520 --> 00:53:14,600 Speaker 1: talk to you all day. 1118 00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:19,240 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for sharing yourself and a little 1119 00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:21,960 Speaker 2: chunk of yourself with all of us and the listeners. 1120 00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:24,359 Speaker 1: And oh wait, just. 1121 00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:27,600 Speaker 3: To close out that idea, So I'm dating God. Yeah, 1122 00:53:27,600 --> 00:53:30,960 Speaker 3: and my husband's dating God. We're both dating him or 1123 00:53:31,040 --> 00:53:34,160 Speaker 3: it to her side by side. So like, I can't 1124 00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:36,280 Speaker 3: be attached to my husband because he's not the source 1125 00:53:36,320 --> 00:53:38,880 Speaker 3: of my light. He's not the source of my goodness. 1126 00:53:38,920 --> 00:53:41,920 Speaker 3: He's not the source of my sweetness. He's just someone 1127 00:53:41,960 --> 00:53:44,919 Speaker 3: I do this with. Yeah, he's my best fucking friend. 1128 00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:45,879 Speaker 1: He's like late night. 1129 00:53:46,480 --> 00:53:49,239 Speaker 3: Yeah, but like we we're a threesome, right, so I 1130 00:53:49,239 --> 00:53:53,319 Speaker 3: don't Otherwise it's vampirism, you said up and no non attachment. Right. 1131 00:53:53,560 --> 00:53:57,520 Speaker 3: Attachment means I suck you. I suck you, then you 1132 00:53:57,560 --> 00:53:59,640 Speaker 3: suck me dry and guess where we both. 1133 00:53:59,520 --> 00:54:02,080 Speaker 1: End up, empty and not happy, probably. 1134 00:54:01,840 --> 00:54:06,200 Speaker 3: Miserable, because because there's never enough. A person just isn't 1135 00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:10,200 Speaker 3: like an infinite supply so if I suck you dry, 1136 00:54:10,840 --> 00:54:13,040 Speaker 3: so we if we got if we never suck at 1137 00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:15,920 Speaker 3: each other and we only suck from above, and then 1138 00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:20,000 Speaker 3: we just give to each other. It's like endless gold. 1139 00:54:20,160 --> 00:54:25,280 Speaker 3: Endless gold gives me goosebumpster. I didn't mean to interrupt. No, no, 1140 00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,520 Speaker 3: I'm sorry, and yes we can be best friends. 1141 00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:31,160 Speaker 2: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. That made 1142 00:54:31,160 --> 00:54:34,160 Speaker 2: perfect sense. I'm so wrapped. You came around full section 1143 00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:38,319 Speaker 2: as well, and I can't wait to watch even more 1144 00:54:38,360 --> 00:54:42,960 Speaker 2: of your Jenny unfold. Man, it's going to be an 1145 00:54:42,960 --> 00:54:46,239 Speaker 2: exciting one. I'll see you next year in America. Next 1146 00:54:46,320 --> 00:54:46,680 Speaker 2: year too. 1147 00:54:46,840 --> 00:54:49,040 Speaker 3: Oh they I'm so excited. Maybe can get like even 1148 00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:53,200 Speaker 3: a better car deal for you? Oh, upgrade the car. 1149 00:54:54,719 --> 00:55:00,279 Speaker 2: Planning the seed. You're phenomenal. You've blown me away. Yeah, 1150 00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:01,319 Speaker 2: thank you so much. 1151 00:55:02,360 --> 00:55:02,680 Speaker 3: Bye. 1152 00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:11,160 Speaker 2: That's a wrap on another episode of Fearlessly Failing. As always, 1153 00:55:11,320 --> 00:55:14,680 Speaker 2: thank you to our guests, and let's continue the conversation 1154 00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:20,640 Speaker 2: on Instagram. I'm at Yamo lollaberry. This potty my word 1155 00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:25,399 Speaker 2: for podcast is available on all streaming platforms. I'd love 1156 00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:28,480 Speaker 2: it if you could subscribe, rate and comment, and of 1157 00:55:28,560 --> 00:55:30,120 Speaker 2: course spread the love.