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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, I've talked about Blue, I've done interview about Blue.

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Speaker 2: I've watched an episode here and there. But we've started

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Speaker 2: watching Blue every night. And the kids they're hopeful every

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Speaker 2: day because they know that to not we're gonna have

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Speaker 2: great family.

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Speaker 3: Time watching Blue.

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Speaker 4: Well, our nineteen year old will literally say, you cannot

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Speaker 4: put Blue on until I get home from work.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson on are you okay day.

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Speaker 2: I'm here with Kylie, wife mom to our six kids,

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Speaker 2: eating my chocolate. Every time you come into my office

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Speaker 2: you find my chocolate stash.

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Speaker 4: Well, you don't do a very good job of hiding it.

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Speaker 4: It's right next to my seat.

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Speaker 2: The thing is, I'm trying to eat less sugary junkie stuff.

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Speaker 4: But every can't tell.

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Speaker 3: Every time I.

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Speaker 2: Give a presentation, people will give me a little gift,

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Speaker 2: and it is it's almost always chocolate.

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Speaker 4: And it's not dodgy chocolate. It's like delight.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, this one is.

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Speaker 2: This one is called Jocelyn's Provisions and it's like it's

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Speaker 2: got big pieces.

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Speaker 4: Of orange, candid orange.

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Speaker 2: Candid orange stuck in dark chocolate, and I don't even like.

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Speaker 4: Dark chocolate, but it's delicious.

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Speaker 2: Surprised that you can even talk because you've put so

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Speaker 2: much of it in your mouth.

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Speaker 3: Are you okay? I am now now.

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Speaker 2: That chocolate fix aook Day is something that we decided

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Speaker 2: to talk about today because its happening right around the nation.

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Speaker 2: But yesterday's conversation with Gus Walland was I think really valuable,

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Speaker 2: so helpful. He's such a knowledgeable and helpful guy and

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Speaker 2: such a such a great guy. But the last couple

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Speaker 2: of years have been pretty rough around the world, and

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Speaker 2: even in Australia. We've dealt with obviously the COVID pandemic

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Speaker 2: and everything associated with that. But this year there's been

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Speaker 2: a war in Ukraine that's captured our attention. There's the

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Speaker 2: threat of China's influence in the region, and if you're

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Speaker 2: interested in geopolitical stuff, that's increasingly in the news and

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Speaker 2: people are talking about that a lot. And now we're

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Speaker 2: dealing with stuff like inflation, mortgage rates going up, rent.

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Speaker 4: Natural disasters, you've had shootings, there's always something in the news.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and even I mean, you mentioned school shootings for

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Speaker 2: us in Australia hasn't happened, but we hear about it

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Speaker 2: in the US, and it just makes the whole world feel,

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Speaker 2: I don't know, depressing and scary. And then you've got

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Speaker 2: the stuff like the identity politics and the way that

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Speaker 2: that's infiltrating our social media and our general relationships with

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Speaker 2: other people, and suddenly people don't feel safe to say

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Speaker 2: how they really feel about things because you've got to

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Speaker 2: be politically correct and you've got to be so sensitive.

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Speaker 2: And I talk to people all the time who are saying,

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Speaker 2: I just don't know where I stand. I don't know

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Speaker 2: what I'm allowed to say anymore. I don't I don't

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Speaker 2: feel like I can be me as I'm navigating the world.

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Speaker 2: It's like this ongoing challenge and pain associated with how

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Speaker 2: the world is going and where it's heading to or

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Speaker 2: bringing kids into it, and it seems like there's a

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Speaker 2: lack of hopefulness about the future.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it's interesting when life feels hard and you don't

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Speaker 4: really to feel like there's a light at the end

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Speaker 4: of the tunnel. Considering that so much of what happens

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Speaker 4: in the world is out of our control. It's no

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Speaker 4: wonder that so many people are left feeling hopeless. It

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Speaker 4: makes me think of first time labor, when I started

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Speaker 4: contracting and I had no idea how long those contractions

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Speaker 4: were going to last. They felt like they would never end.

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Speaker 2: So you're saying that our lives at the moment, the

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Speaker 2: way the world is feels like it's a never ending contraction.

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Speaker 4: Kind of a little bit, but we're all in labor

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Speaker 4: together now. By second second labor, we kind of worked

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Speaker 4: out the process and you were we had prayed at timing, and.

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Speaker 3: We had some incredible education. That was the key.

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Speaker 2: We got great education and we learned about the labor process,

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Speaker 2: and so then I was able to support you and

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Speaker 2: let you know the contraction that you're feeling is going

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Speaker 2: to peak in about another fifteen seconds and then it's going.

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Speaker 3: To slowly, slowly disappear.

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Speaker 2: Once we got to fifty or sixty seconds, I'd be

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Speaker 2: saying to you, it's going to be ending any second now.

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Speaker 4: It's almost done, and you're going to have two minutes reprieve.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I'd tell you, well, it starts again, you're.

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Speaker 2: Going to have a couple minutes to rest and while

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Speaker 2: you're resting, I'd say, can I get you some eyes?

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Speaker 2: And I sort of coached you through the labor, through

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Speaker 2: the contractions, and I was awesome, right.

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Speaker 4: You were awesome.

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Speaker 2: But I think that what we really want to do

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Speaker 2: in this podcast episode today is coach you through the labor.

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Speaker 2: We want to give you some tools to help you,

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Speaker 2: some skills to help you if you are labor through

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Speaker 2: life yea, as your children go through their challenges, or

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Speaker 2: as you and your partner or your husband, or your

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Speaker 2: sister or your mum or your neighbor or whoever it

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Speaker 2: is that you're closed to going through these really hard things.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is about giving you a hope that the

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Speaker 2: contraction will end, the baby will be born.

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Speaker 4: Sorry, Dad's but I do know that Justin felt exactly

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Speaker 4: the same way as I did in relation to those

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Speaker 4: contractions ending.

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Speaker 2: We both wanted them to do, which is one of

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Speaker 2: the baby. And so this podcast is really about building hope.

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Speaker 2: That's what it is so scientifically about. Twenty years ago,

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Speaker 2: a researcher by the name of Shane Lopez worked with

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Speaker 2: another guy, Snyder, and the two of them have both

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Speaker 2: passed away now tragically and so sadly because they were

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Speaker 2: giants of psychology.

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Speaker 3: Their research was so.

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Speaker 2: Impactful, and both Snyder and Lopez taught us about hope

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Speaker 2: and what they said is hope has three aspects to it,

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Speaker 2: three facets. If any of these three things are missing,

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Speaker 2: we will not be hopeful. We will be hopeless, hopeless.

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Speaker 2: So as you consider where you are in your life,

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Speaker 2: and as you consider what's coming your way, ask yourself,

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Speaker 2: am I hopeful or hopeless? Are these three things present?

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Speaker 2: Or is one of them missing? The first thing to

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Speaker 2: have hope is you need to have a goal, a vision,

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Speaker 2: an end in mind. If you don't know where you're going,

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Speaker 2: if you don't see an end the baby being born,

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Speaker 2: or the war ending or mortgage rates flattening out, or

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Speaker 2: a new job, or if you're a child, finding a

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Speaker 2: friend or getting a new teacher, or whatever it might be,

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Speaker 2: getting an invite to a party. If you don't have

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Speaker 2: an end, a goal, a vision, then you'll be hopeless.

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Speaker 4: So like us going away every three months to have

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Speaker 4: a couple's retreats.

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Speaker 2: Which we used to do before COVID, and I can't

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Speaker 2: remember the last time we did it, because blur leaves.

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Speaker 4: Me feeling a little bit hopeless because I can't see

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Speaker 4: an end in sight to the family drama that happens

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Speaker 4: day in day out.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 2: And here's another kid's example. Sometimes do you remember year eight,

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Speaker 2: year nine? Like, if you can get through those two years,

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Speaker 2: you can get through anything in life. I believe really

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Speaker 2: tough years. And I remember the story of a year

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Speaker 2: nine science teacher who walked into class one day and

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Speaker 2: everything was just hey, what and nothing was going right

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Speaker 2: in class. Kids were rowdy, they were ambunctious, they were disengaged.

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Speaker 2: So the teacher rubbed everything off the whiteboard, got the text,

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Speaker 2: and wrote in big letters across the whiteboard, there is

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Speaker 2: life after high school. And the students all looked at

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Speaker 2: her and were like, what's going on? And the teacher said,

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Speaker 2: we're not learning anything today.

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Speaker 3: No one's got it.

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Speaker 2: So let's just talk about how high school is not

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Speaker 2: the end of your life. There's so much that's going

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Speaker 2: to happen after high school. What do you want? Where

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Speaker 2: do you want to go? What do you want to be?

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Speaker 2: How can we help you to get there? And she

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Speaker 2: said at the ten year high school reunion. So obviously,

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Speaker 2: thirteen or fourteen years later, I can't do maths very well.

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Speaker 2: I was clearly not in a mass class learning that

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Speaker 2: fifteen years later, fifteen years later, she showed up and

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Speaker 2: these students said, we still remember that class. We remember

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Speaker 2: you wiping everything up the board and riding there is

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Speaker 2: life after high school.

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Speaker 3: And it gave us hope. It gave us a.

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Speaker 2: Goal and end of vision, something that we believe we

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Speaker 2: could work towards. So that's the first element. The second

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Speaker 2: one is having a pathway. Not only do I believe

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Speaker 2: that there's something that I'm working towards, but there's a

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Speaker 2: way to get there. And this is why it's so

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Speaker 2: hard for say a child who doesn't feel like they

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Speaker 2: have any friends, because they know that the goal is

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Speaker 2: to have friends.

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Speaker 3: But when we say, all.

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Speaker 2: Right, well what can we do to help you get friends,

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Speaker 2: and they slump their shoulders and their hands hang down

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Speaker 2: by their knees, and their bottom lip starts to quiver

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Speaker 2: and they say, I don't know.

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Speaker 3: I don't know. Because they don't know what the pathway.

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Speaker 2: They don't have to strategy the steps to take to

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Speaker 2: build those relationships.

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Speaker 3: We can't just have a goal. We have to have

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Speaker 3: a process.

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Speaker 2: And the people who are most resilient, the people who

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Speaker 2: have the most hope are the ones who they might

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Speaker 2: start to walk down a pathway that they think will work,

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Speaker 2: and they come up against a rock wall and realize, ah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: that pathway is not working. So they take a few

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Speaker 2: steps back, and then they start to use the metaphorical

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Speaker 2: cutting your way through the jungle. They pull out the

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Speaker 2: blade and they start to slash it the vines and

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Speaker 2: they forged their new pathway, and they create a pathway

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Speaker 2: to get to that end.

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Speaker 3: Goal. You've got to have a pathway, and you've got

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Speaker 3: to have a goal.

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Speaker 2: And the third thing that you've got to have is

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Speaker 2: agency or a belief that you can do it, like

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Speaker 2: that self efficacy thing. I've got the goal, I've got

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Speaker 2: the pathway. Do I actually believe that I can walk

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Speaker 2: along the pathway to the goal? Can I get there?

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Speaker 2: You've got to have the belief. You've got to believe.

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Speaker 2: If you don't believe, it doesn't matter about the goal

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Speaker 2: or the end. It doesn't matter about the path even

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Speaker 2: if it's gold plated. If you don't believe you can

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Speaker 2: walk along it, you're not hopeful. You're hopeless.

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Speaker 4: So after the break, let's talk about a few ways

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Speaker 4: that we can help ourselves and our children Build Hope.

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Speaker 1: It's their Happy Famili's podcast.

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Speaker 2: Our boys are struggling with friends, mental health, alcohol, drugs, pornography, emotions,

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Speaker 2: and so much more. But science tells us that the

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Speaker 2: most important thing for your son's well being is his

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Speaker 2: connection with you. The Bringing Up Boys Summit is about

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Speaker 2: one thing, taking you into your son's world and helping

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Speaker 2: you connect with him in.

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Speaker 3: The way he needs you.

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Speaker 2: To find out more on the Happy Family's webshop and

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Speaker 2: start connecting with your son today.

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Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast with a time

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Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now. And I'm looking

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Speaker 4: at your list and it's rather lengthy.

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Speaker 2: So I love talking about how we can build hope.

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Speaker 2: If we can't be hopeful, everything is lost. It's so hard.

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Speaker 2: This is why are You OK Day matters? Because AOOK

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Speaker 2: day is really about saying, what are you looking forward to?

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Speaker 2: How can we build some hope into your life. Let's

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Speaker 2: believe that life is worth living because good things are coming.

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Speaker 2: You've got to believe good things are coming.

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Speaker 4: So I'm going to just put it out there that

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Speaker 4: the first thing that would be on my list would

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Speaker 4: be creating moments to look forward to so I'm just

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Speaker 4: putting it out there that I'm expecting in three months time, you.

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Speaker 3: Really want to have our ques we get away. We

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Speaker 3: need it, you know what.

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Speaker 2: I'll talk to my parents, I'll see what I can do.

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Speaker 2: I just worry that the kids are going to be

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Speaker 2: hard work for them, but yes, we've got to have

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Speaker 2: something to look forward to. You've got to create those things.

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Speaker 2: But they don't have to be big. It doesn't have

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Speaker 2: to be a quarterly get away for a couple. It

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Speaker 2: can be what you can say to the kids, what

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Speaker 2: are you looking forward to at school today?

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Speaker 3: They might just be.

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Speaker 2: Excited because it's pe or it's library, or it's sport

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Speaker 2: or I don't know, whatever it is.

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Speaker 4: They I think it's about breaking down life. So whether

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Speaker 4: it's a daily thing or a weekly thing, or something

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Speaker 4: that you're looking forward to in three months time or

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Speaker 4: on the.

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Speaker 2: Weekend or tonight. Like we've started like watching Blue at night.

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Speaker 2: I've talked about Blue, I've done interviews about Blue, I've

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Speaker 2: watched an episode here and there, but we've started watching

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Speaker 2: Blue every night. And the kids are so excited to

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Speaker 2: be able to like that's that they're hopeful every day

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Speaker 2: because they know that to not we're gonna have great

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Speaker 2: family time watching Blue.

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Speaker 4: Well, our nineteen year old will literally say, you cannot

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Speaker 4: put Blue on until I get home from work.

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Speaker 3: So I love you.

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Speaker 2: I love your suggestion. Number one, find things to look

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Speaker 2: forward to. They don't even have to be big things.

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Speaker 2: It's watching Blue together, or it's we're doing that thing

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Speaker 2: on the weekend that we've been looking forward to.

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Speaker 4: Nanny and Poppy are coming up for family dinner, or

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Speaker 4: you know, we're going to go for a bike ride.

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Speaker 4: Number two would be sharing hopeful news. Right when you

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Speaker 4: look at the news report, just don't there isn't much

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Speaker 4: to be hopeful about.

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Speaker 3: Not at all.

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Speaker 2: In fact, when I jump onto that awful news website

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Speaker 2: that is Australia's apparently number one news website, and the

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Speaker 2: words that always come up when I.

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Speaker 3: Have a look at that are things like grim.

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Speaker 2: Or tragic, or twisted or unexpected, or it's all just

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Speaker 2: so negative.

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Speaker 3: It's all so horrible, it's all just so heavy.

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Speaker 2: So let's talk about positive news because there's so much

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Speaker 2: good stuff that happens in the world.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, well, I think it's important that we are aware

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Speaker 4: of other people's experiences around the world. I think we

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Speaker 4: just have to be really proactive encountering the negative with

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Speaker 4: a whole heap of positive and hopeful.

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Speaker 2: And that's where we move from the macro here's what's

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Speaker 2: in the news, to the micro what's happening in our lives.

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Speaker 2: So around the dining table, you share hopeful news by saying, Hey,

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Speaker 2: what was the best thing that happened to you today?

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Speaker 2: What are you looking forward to tomorrow? How have you

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Speaker 2: experienced something that you're grateful for today. It's those conversations

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Speaker 2: where you're sharing again, tiny little things, the littlest things,

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Speaker 2: but it's those little things that build hope, which kind

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Speaker 2: of ties in with the next thing that you had

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Speaker 2: on your list, which was saying thanks being grateful for things.

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Speaker 3: I'm stealing your list. I'm sorry you.

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Speaker 4: Kind of are. But you know, I love this one

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Speaker 4: because literally the other day I woke up and I

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Speaker 4: was feeling a bit flat, and I got a message

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Speaker 4: from a friend. It was two lines to say thanks

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Speaker 4: for reaching out to me. You literally gave me wings

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Speaker 4: to fly.

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Speaker 3: Oh you never told me about that one?

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Speaker 4: No, I didn't. I didn't, but it actually choked me

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Speaker 4: up because what I did was in my mind, pretty insignificant.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: But to her who felt like she was literally drowning

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Speaker 4: in that moment, just a friend reaching out to say, hey,

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Speaker 4: just checking in to see how you're doing, and gave

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Speaker 4: her the courage and the support that she needed to

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Speaker 4: feel like she could breathe again.

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Speaker 2: It's exactly what Gus talked about yesterday in that podcast episode,

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Speaker 2: in that interview, he said exactly that, And it's so

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Speaker 2: so powerful.

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Speaker 4: We think that we actually have to fix people. We don't.

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Speaker 4: We literally just need them to know that they're seeing,

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Speaker 4: heard and valued. It's so easy to do it, and

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Speaker 4: yet often we get caught up in our own selves

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Speaker 4: and don't take the time.

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Speaker 2: Yeap, And it makes such a difference. So my next

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Speaker 2: idea for building hope is counter factuals. What I mean,

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Speaker 2: you're looking at me strangely.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I've never heard that word.

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Speaker 2: You've just scrunched up your face. A counter factual is

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Speaker 2: kind of okay. So here's the fact, here's what actually happened.

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Speaker 2: Let's imagine the scenario going differently. Let's have a look

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Speaker 2: at a counter factual. Imagine if the facts were different.

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Speaker 2: Imagine if something else had happened.

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Speaker 3: What could have happened?

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Speaker 2: How could it have worked out, How could we have

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Speaker 2: played it differently? What will we do next time? This

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Speaker 2: is kind of a way of dealing with today's are

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Speaker 2: you okay?

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Speaker 3: Day?

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Speaker 2: Let's imagine that somebody who's listened to this right now

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Speaker 2: is living in regret and pain and depression and sadness

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Speaker 2: and feeling like there is nothing positive that can happen

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Speaker 2: in the future because of the mistakes that they made

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Speaker 2: yesterday or last year or whatever, and everything's going wrong.

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Speaker 2: The counterfactual is essentially saying, well, what if, what if

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Speaker 2: I did this? How could things be different? Or well,

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Speaker 2: at least because of that mistake, these couple of things

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Speaker 2: happened that were actually good. A counter factual is like

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Speaker 2: creating a new reality based on thinking differently about the

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Speaker 2: situation that we're in.

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Speaker 4: I don't actually remember where my belief came from, but

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Speaker 4: I remember vividly being about fourteen or fifteen and just

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Speaker 4: having absolute clarity that there were no bad mistakes that

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Speaker 4: I could make in my life as long as I

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Speaker 4: chose to learn from them.

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Speaker 3: Wow, you've never shared that with me. Today's a revealing day.

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Speaker 4: I love this, and I just I'm so grateful for that,

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Speaker 4: because as I look back on my life, and there

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Speaker 4: are so many things that I wish that I could

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Speaker 4: have changed or done differently. They have inevitably helped me

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Speaker 4: make better decisions moving forward.

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Speaker 2: And that's exactly what we're talking about here. Instead of saying,

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Speaker 2: oh if only, which is a hopeless statement I've only,

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Speaker 2: we're saying, well at least or because, and we're finding

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Speaker 2: the silver lining. This isn't about toxic positivity. This is

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Speaker 2: about saying life is hard, but we can learn and

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Speaker 2: we can grow and get better.

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Speaker 4: And I'm not a perfect person, and I don't expect

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Speaker 4: other people to be perfect, So I'm going to make mistakes.

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Speaker 4: But if I can learn from them, and if I

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Speaker 4: can be a better person at the other end as

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Speaker 4: a result of it, then it's been worth the experience

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Speaker 4: because I would never have learned that without that experience.

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Speaker 3: Okay, we need to wrap up.

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Speaker 2: We've got three more ways that we can build hope

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Speaker 2: in ourselves, in our friends and family.

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Speaker 3: We're going to do them really quickly. Okay.

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Speaker 2: The first one celebrate success yeah, not an success?

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Speaker 3: Yeah progress yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: We every now and again, I kind of get a

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Speaker 2: little bit frustrated. I feel like I'm not reaching enough families.

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Speaker 2: I'm not helping enough people. I want more people to

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Speaker 2: find the stuff that we talk about here on the

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Speaker 2: podcast for free, or in my books or in my

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Speaker 2: courses or membership or anything like that. I know what

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Speaker 2: a difference it makes, and sometimes I actually feel hopeless.

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Speaker 2: I feel like I'm not reaching enough people. And this

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Speaker 2: isn't a pity party or anything, but sometimes I feel like,

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Speaker 2: oh gosh, what do I have to do to reach

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Speaker 2: these people who I know would benefit so much from

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Speaker 2: what we talk about? And every now and again I

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Speaker 2: just have to pause and say, Okay, but I have

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Speaker 2: written a number of books, and I've had a whole

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Speaker 2: lot of emails and conversations with people who have read

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Speaker 2: the books or listen to the podcaster whose lives are

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Speaker 2: different because of what we've done.

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Speaker 4: We've talked about this before, but I remember, you know,

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Speaker 4: you've shared it regularly at the same time every year

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Speaker 4: Facebook sends you're a reminder about the posts that you

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Speaker 4: put up when you were so excited because you had

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Speaker 4: two hundred followers.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yeah, you.

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Speaker 4: Know, and that that in and of itself is progress. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: because there's no longer two hundred. There's a couple more

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Speaker 4: zeros after it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's a really great reminder. Even now, it

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Speaker 3: makes me feel grateful.

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Speaker 2: Last two things, we've got to acknowledge that cat can't

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Speaker 2: is not going to be a helpful word. And there

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Speaker 2: are better ways to deal with challenging situations, finding ways

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Speaker 2: through it, having hope and taking off that tea making

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Speaker 2: cart into a can.

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Speaker 4: Well, there are some things that you may not be

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Speaker 4: able to do. You actually can't do those things.

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Speaker 3: Well, don't roll a toe out of my nose.

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Speaker 4: But if that, if that's what we focus on, then

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Speaker 4: we're going to feel hopeless. So focusing on the things

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Speaker 4: that we actually can do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: And the last thing unconditional love.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: If somebody's feeling hopeless, sometimes they just need to know

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Speaker 2: that they're loved.

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Speaker 3: And those three.

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Speaker 2: Words that I harp on about all the time, the

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Speaker 2: three most important words that you kids can hear, not

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Speaker 2: I love you, but the three that come after it,

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Speaker 2: No matter what, can move somebody from feeling hopeless to

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Speaker 2: hopeful in a matter of moments.

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Speaker 4: I think you've been your spouse needs here it once

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Speaker 4: in a while too.

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Speaker 3: Okay, Well i'll tell you that after the podcast.

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Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin and Rulant

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Speaker 2: from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. We hope,

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Speaker 2: we really do hope that this podcast has helped you

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Speaker 2: to feel okay, to recognize that there is something to

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Speaker 2: look forward to, and to build resilience and hope skills

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Speaker 2: in your kids. It is one of the most important

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Speaker 2: things that we can do as parents. If you'd like

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Speaker 2: more information about making your family more happy and more hopeful,

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Speaker 2: please visit us at happy families dot com dot au.