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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: answers now.

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Speaker 3: Hello.

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Speaker 4: This is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families

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Speaker 4: dot com dot Au and the pairenting expert on the

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Speaker 4: amazing hit TV show that hopefully you've been getting a

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Speaker 4: big dose.

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Speaker 3: Of over the last couple of days on Channel nine.

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Speaker 3: It's called Parental Guidance.

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Speaker 4: If you haven't checked it out and you are in Australia,

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Speaker 4: you can see it on catch Up on the nine

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Speaker 4: Now app or on your TV with Catchup TV if

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Speaker 4: you're overseas. We're doing our very best to give you

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Speaker 4: a good sense of what's going on by playing lots

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Speaker 4: of audio, by providing a whole lot of additional context

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Speaker 4: so that it all makes sense today, because there was

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Speaker 4: so much that happened in episodes one and two, and

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Speaker 4: because episode three isn't until next week, Kylie, you and

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Speaker 4: I are going to dissects and pallor part a handful

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Speaker 4: of other things that we just didn't get to talk

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Speaker 4: about over the last two days because an it's an

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Speaker 4: action packed show.

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Speaker 2: Okay, well, we've got lots to talk about so much

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Speaker 2: see four points on your page.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and you've got like twelve on yours, so dive

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Speaker 4: into it. Where do you want to start.

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Speaker 2: Let's start with the lighthouse parents and letting their kids

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Speaker 2: swim between the flags while they sit on the deck

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Speaker 2: and at their house.

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Speaker 5: We are literally on the beach, so the beach has

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Speaker 5: become our backyard chase.

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Speaker 3: Can you see the kids, let's going for a swim

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Speaker 3: between the flags. It's okay.

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Speaker 5: So we are out numbered, so we can't focus all

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Speaker 5: our attention on each individual kid, which means we have

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Speaker 5: to let the other kids have their own freedom in

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Speaker 5: their own space. So we're happy for the two older

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Speaker 5: ones to go swimming by themselves.

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Speaker 4: Okay, So this blew up. This blew up on social media,

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Speaker 4: This blew up in the room, This blew up even

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Speaker 4: when we'd finished filming. I walked out of the studio

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Speaker 4: and Ali came chasing after me, saying, we need to

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Speaker 4: talk about this.

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Speaker 3: This is not okay. Are you okay with what just happened?

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Speaker 3: You're okay with what we just saw? Like this was

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Speaker 3: this was a.

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Speaker 4: Big moment, and I have to be really clear like

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Speaker 4: I was yesterday with David and Tenci, the Outback parents,

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Speaker 4: Sammy and Jason, and you can tell by the way

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Speaker 4: they've raised those kids they are a great family. But

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Speaker 4: this thing just went nuts.

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Speaker 2: You know what stands out to me the most the

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Speaker 2: more I watch this is just the fact that everyone

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Speaker 2: has an opinion about how you do things.

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Speaker 3: Everything.

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Speaker 2: Everything. You're either too soft, you're too hard, you're too liberal, you.

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Speaker 3: Too you're too present, you're too absent, you're too control,

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Speaker 3: you too all.

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Speaker 2: Everyone has an opinion, and so we're adding to that

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Speaker 2: because we have an opinion.

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Speaker 3: We have opinions too.

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Speaker 2: But it's no wonder as parents we're so hard on ourselves. Yesh, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: because everywhere we turn, somebody's got an opinion about how

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Speaker 2: we're doing it and whether we're doing it right or wrong.

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Speaker 3: I need to talk about this swimming issue. Now.

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Speaker 4: This is not a parenting issue, Okay, this is just

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Speaker 4: a just a life thing. When it comes to kids

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Speaker 4: and water safety, we have got to be present.

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Speaker 2: There has to be context. We're having a conversation about

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Speaker 2: a nine year old and a six year old taking

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Speaker 2: her six year old brother into the ocean unattended.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so context.

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Speaker 4: They're strong swimmers, they've done nippers, they're familiar with the ocean.

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Speaker 2: Pepper was amazing.

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Speaker 4: She read Mum and dad have stood there next to

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Speaker 4: the sign and said, what are we up against?

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Speaker 3: How BIG's the surf? Which way?

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Speaker 2: Sand Pepper literally read it on her own direct She

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Speaker 2: deciphered it, yes, like she absolutely knew where the car was,

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Speaker 2: where she needed to go, where was saved, like she

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Speaker 2: is savvy.

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Speaker 3: Right, And then they're in the water and they're in

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Speaker 3: the flags.

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Speaker 4: I'm sure that every surf life saver around Australia just

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Speaker 4: threw their hands up and said, we're not the babysitters.

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Speaker 3: I'm sure that that happened.

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Speaker 4: You were saying context nine and six year old, But

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Speaker 4: I just wanted to highlight that that nine year old

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Speaker 4: has been given a really thorough understanding of how the

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Speaker 4: ocean works.

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Speaker 3: But is it enough.

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Speaker 2: We have a family friend who, as a young child

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Speaker 2: was in the bath with his younger brother who while

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Speaker 2: they were playing, hit his head on the water spout.

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Speaker 3: So there was just two d two little kids.

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Speaker 2: Just playing, hit his head on the water spout, went

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Speaker 2: under and drowned. And that family friend has lived his

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Speaker 2: entire life feeling he was responsible for his I'm gonna

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Speaker 2: cry for his younger brother's death, but it was not

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Speaker 2: his responsibility. And so Pepper is this amazing kid. I

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Speaker 2: can see.

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Speaker 3: She's just spot on.

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Speaker 2: She is mature, she gets it, and she is brilliant.

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Speaker 2: And yet the weight that she carries as a nine

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Speaker 2: year old is actually not her weight to carry. And

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Speaker 2: that's the hard thing. And I'm speaking from personal experience,

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Speaker 2: being the eldest in my family and from the time

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Speaker 2: I was pretty much six, I played the second mum

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Speaker 2: in the house, and the weight of that I didn't

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Speaker 2: recognize until I was much much older. It is a

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Speaker 2: heavy burden to place on a child. And so where

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Speaker 2: do you draw the line in helping your children to

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Speaker 2: be responsible and to learn autonomy and independence without placing

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Speaker 2: that level of burden.

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Speaker 4: I'm a surfer and have been since I was an

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Speaker 4: early teenager. I know the ocean really, really well. I

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Speaker 4: spend so much time in the ocean, and we've taught

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Speaker 4: our kids how the ocean works. I've spent a lot

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Speaker 4: of time on the beach teaching them how it works.

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Speaker 4: I think that Sammy and Jason were probably having been

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Speaker 4: on the show and experience the response after that episode,

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Speaker 4: they will never let their kids swim at the beach

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Speaker 4: without supervision. Again, I truly believe that, and I think

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Speaker 4: every family who watched it would probably feel the same way.

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Speaker 4: When we take the kids to the beach, we don't

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Speaker 4: have our eye on all of them all the time

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Speaker 4: once they're older, but they always they're swinging the flags,

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Speaker 4: and they always know that I am standing knee deep

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Speaker 4: in water watching and I keep my eye on the

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Speaker 4: youngest kids at all times.

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Speaker 2: The comment that really stood out to me the most

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Speaker 2: was that the ocean can change, and if you're on

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Speaker 2: the balcony and there's a shift, you're not close enough

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Speaker 2: to be of any help should your child get in

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Speaker 2: danger by.

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Speaker 4: The time you run through the door, down the stairs

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Speaker 4: and try and just reorient yourself on the beach. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: Leanne team mum, she nailed it.

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Speaker 3: Have you ever seen a child drown It's silent when

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Speaker 3: they're drowning. You actually can't hear them yelling for help.

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Speaker 4: We've spoken on the podcast before about my cousin when

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Speaker 4: he was just two years old, he slipped into the

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Speaker 4: pool at my house, mum and Dad's house when we're

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Speaker 4: having a family barbecue, and nobody knew and fortunately after

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Speaker 4: he'd been on the bottom of the pool for I

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Speaker 4: don't know, thirty seconds a minute. Somebody saw him and

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Speaker 4: we'd pulled him out and he coughed up water and.

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Speaker 3: He was almost it was almost too late. Drowning is silent.

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Speaker 2: Well, we've had the same experience. Kids are all in

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Speaker 2: the pool playing and one of our children is starting

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Speaker 2: to go under and there was no noise, and it

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Speaker 2: just happened that we had our backs to the pool,

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Speaker 2: turned around and you saw what was going on. The

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Speaker 2: reality is the concept of somebody drowning is noisy, and

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Speaker 2: yet it's not, and that we've just we've got to

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Speaker 2: be vigilant.

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Speaker 3: Just watch your kids and keep water safety up. So

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Speaker 3: that was the first thing.

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Speaker 4: We have many more things to talk about from the show.

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Speaker 2: So one of the huge har moments for me was

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Speaker 2: when my gentle parents were being questioned for their softer approach.

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Speaker 2: I see no respect, I see no discipline.

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Speaker 3: Mate.

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Speaker 2: If any of my kids struck at me, that's not okay.

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Speaker 3: They really came in for a pretty tough time.

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Speaker 4: And I'm going to say this sometimes when you watch

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Speaker 4: gentle parenting, especially when you see it on a TV,

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Speaker 4: oh my goodness, it looks like hard work, particularly when

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Speaker 4: the edit comes up like that. I mean, gentle parenting

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Speaker 4: does and can be really really hard when you can

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Speaker 4: having those big emotions.

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Speaker 3: Do you understand next to momma instead?

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Speaker 5: No, no, no, no, it's not time for rolling down

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Speaker 5: the head.

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Speaker 1: However, dear, I'm just going to come sit with you. Okay,

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Speaker 1: what is it that you know we're not going to

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Speaker 1: be hitting.

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Speaker 2: One of the things that you have been very explicit

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Speaker 2: about over the years is we've kind of gone through

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Speaker 2: this process of understanding and learning how we might best

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Speaker 2: parent our children. Is just the fact that you're in

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Speaker 2: for the long haul. Gentle parenting or autonomy, supportive or

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Speaker 2: need supportive parenting is not going to give you instant

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Speaker 2: results the way other parenting styles might. And as a result,

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Speaker 2: like you said, the gentle parents are really coming across

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Speaker 2: at times as being too soft.

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Speaker 3: The photographer's there for you, Yeah, absolutely right.

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Speaker 1: So in that situation, it's time for the kids to

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Speaker 1: behave so that photographer can get his work done and

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Speaker 1: you can move on.

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Speaker 3: With the day.

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Speaker 2: There was a moment in the show where they shared

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Speaker 2: this family is everything to us, would you like to

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Speaker 2: sit and have a cuddle.

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Speaker 1: So we had a really difficult start to our family.

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Speaker 1: Our first child, Ariela, died just before she was born,

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Speaker 1: and it was unexpected, it was unexplained, and it's pretty

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Speaker 1: much impacted everything having experienced the death of a child.

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Speaker 1: You know, we might say I can't imagine my life

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Speaker 1: without you, but actually we can. And it's a pretty

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Speaker 1: harrid place.

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Speaker 2: So it changes everything. It literally changes everything.

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Speaker 3: You're making me all weeping.

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Speaker 2: You go from feeling frustrated because you're up again for

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Speaker 2: the fifteenth time in the night because your child won't sleep,

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Speaker 2: to the realization that these parents have experienced wanting desperately

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Speaker 2: to wake up to a child that isn't there.

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Speaker 3: Just so hard.

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Speaker 2: So the thing that stands out to me the most

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Speaker 2: is we have no idea in any given moment what

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Speaker 2: any parent is carrying or dealing with in their life,

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Speaker 2: and we just need to be softer on each other. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: less judgment, Like so much softer on each other.

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Speaker 4: Other things to talk about from the show, A handful

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Speaker 4: of other things that popped up. We didn't talk about

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Speaker 4: this yesterday with the outback parents and the face of

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Speaker 4: fears and the lack of emotion coaching. Yeah, when they

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Speaker 4: had the little guy who just did not want to

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Speaker 4: jump off that high place. The reason we didn't talk

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Speaker 4: about it, and we got some correspondence about it, which

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Speaker 4: is why I'm just addressing it quickly here. We didn't

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Speaker 4: talk about it because next week, in episode three, we

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Speaker 4: are going to talk about it big time. It's going

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Speaker 4: to be a really really big part of what's coming

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Speaker 4: because they're not the only family that struggle with it,

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Speaker 4: and we want to.

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Speaker 3: Really dive into the nitty gritty of this. Come on,

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Speaker 3: let me do it now.

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Speaker 5: No, lor.

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Speaker 2: The lack of emotion coaching gives me the real old

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Speaker 2: school parenting vibes, right how I was brought up, and

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Speaker 2: I'm sure that my parents' parents, my parents were brought

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Speaker 2: up like that, and so were their parents, you know,

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Speaker 2: just that whole sense of let's just get on with things.

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Speaker 2: We don't need to deal with their stop crying. So

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Speaker 2: I'm looking forward to our conversation next week.

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Speaker 4: It's going to be such a good conversation, Like truly,

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Speaker 4: it's one of my favorite parts from the entire series,

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Speaker 4: and it's happening next week. Other observations, I mean, I'm

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Speaker 4: kind of oh, there was this from our back parents.

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Speaker 1: Some people don't like smacking, but if we have to,

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Speaker 1: then we won't hesitate to give the boy.

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Speaker 3: The Smack's a good slack, one that you can hear

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Speaker 3: and feel. Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Ouch, Do you mean because of the smack or because

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Speaker 4: of the compos Yeah, I know so.

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Speaker 2: I think my parents would have said with a wooden spoon.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, I made it really clear in season one.

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Speaker 4: To be honest, maybe I took too long to say

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Speaker 4: it in season two when we did all the filming

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Speaker 4: for it. But if it didn't come out clearly enough

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Speaker 4: in the episode, let me say it really clearly now.

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Speaker 4: There is not a not a little bit, not any

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Speaker 4: evidence at all that there are a short time or

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Speaker 4: long term benefits to smacking your kids. You don't need

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Speaker 4: to smack your kids. There's no reason for smacking your kids.

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Speaker 4: The research or points away from smacking your kids. I

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Speaker 4: will never, ever, ever endorse smacking of kids. I reject

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Speaker 4: it fundamentally and entirely. If you've done it, I'm not

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Speaker 4: putting the guilt trip on you. Everyone makes mistakes. That's parenting.

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Speaker 4: It's really hard. But we've got to do better. We've

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Speaker 4: got to stop smacking our kids. Sixty five countries or

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Speaker 4: more an now around the world of banned smacking of kids.

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Speaker 4: We are not doing it yet. We're not there yet,

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Speaker 4: but we need to be. We've got to find better

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Speaker 4: ways to deal with challenging situations other than whacking the kids.

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Speaker 2: It's one thing to slip up from time to time,

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Speaker 2: because because we're all humans, it's another thing to believe

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Speaker 2: that this is an appropriate.

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Speaker 3: Way, not just appropriate, but necessary. Yeah, okay, well that's

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Speaker 3: everything that's on my list. Do you feel like we've

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Speaker 3: covered what's on yours or do.

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Speaker 2: You I think we've done a great shob such.

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Speaker 3: A great show.

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Speaker 4: Next week, Parental Guidance returns to Channel nine. For those

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Speaker 4: of you who are in Australia, you can check it

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Speaker 4: out Monday night and Tuesday night at seven point thirty,

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Speaker 4: or you can catch up on the nine Now app

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Speaker 4: if you're overseas. We're doing our best to get you

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Speaker 4: as much information about it as we can, because it's

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Speaker 4: an absolute cracker of a show that makes us really

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Speaker 4: think about our parenting and how we can be better, mum's,

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Speaker 4: dad's care, as grandparents.

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Speaker 3: The whole lot.

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Speaker 4: We are so grateful for the incredible work of the

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Speaker 4: marvelous Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, who is doing. It's

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Speaker 4: just an amazing job with the production this week of

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Speaker 4: the podcast.

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Speaker 3: Thank you Jr. For what you're doing.

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Speaker 4: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. And if you want

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Speaker 4: more information about parental guidance just find it on the

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Speaker 4: Channel nine website.

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Speaker 2: Well, if you're enjoying the show, let us know.

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Speaker 3: I'll let us know podcasts at happy families dot com

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Speaker 3: dot you. Yeah, we really want your feedback.

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Speaker 4: Let us know what you think about the show, about

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Speaker 4: the podcast, and check out more at our Facebook page

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Speaker 4: Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families