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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now.

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Speaker 2: I feel like we get so caught up on how

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Speaker 2: many likes we have on our Instagram or our Facebook

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Speaker 2: feeds sometimes that we accept that inferior form of connection

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Speaker 2: for the real connection that we crave.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Killson, the author of six

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Speaker 3: books about raising happy families. I'm here with my irolling

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Speaker 3: wife because this is about take forty three. We just

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Speaker 3: can't seem to get past about the first fifteen seconds.

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Speaker 3: I think we can do it this time, honey, missus

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Speaker 3: happy family? Is Kylie not looking very happy at all?

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Speaker 3: Trust me, I know that we can do this. I've

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Speaker 3: found the review, the five star review we've been given.

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Speaker 3: I just need you to read it, and I think

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Speaker 3: we can do this. I'm so sorry, keep going.

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Speaker 4: We can do it. I believe in you.

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Speaker 2: So h eleven Juliet via Apple Podcasts from a great

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Speaker 2: Britain Love that has said the best way to spend

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Speaker 2: fifteen minutes five stars, brilliant advice, ideas and often just reassurance.

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Speaker 2: You know what I could use some of that reassurance

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Speaker 2: right now, Juliet.

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Speaker 3: We've been having a hard time just trying to work

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Speaker 3: out how we can share the things today with you

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Speaker 3: that we really want to share with you, And most

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Speaker 3: of what we want to share has got a whole

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Speaker 3: lot to do with one of the most popular TV

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Speaker 3: series in the history of ever. It's this one from Friends,

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Speaker 3: and I'm doing this and talking over the intro just

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Speaker 3: like and really my former radio days because the rem

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Speaker 3: brands I'll be there for you on the Happy Family podcast.

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Speaker 3: I'm so sorry, ah, dear me. So we want to

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Speaker 3: talk about friends and just how challenging it can be

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Speaker 3: to get friendships, right, Is that a reasonable way to

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Speaker 3: say it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, As you get older, I think friendships actually get

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Speaker 2: a little bit more tricky unless you stay with, you know,

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Speaker 2: the friend group that you had in high school and

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Speaker 2: you stay in touch the whole way through. You find yourself,

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Speaker 2: you know, as a young mum or in a new area,

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Speaker 2: and all of a sudden you're trying to make friendships.

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Speaker 4: As a thirty year old.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and so what you're saying is that, you know,

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Speaker 3: the rem Brandt said that I'll be there for you. Sorry,

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Speaker 3: I pushed it too far tonight, I'll stop. This is

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Speaker 3: one of the reasons that we had to record this

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Speaker 3: so many times. What you're really saying, though, is that

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Speaker 3: because we move around a lot and we don't maintain

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Speaker 3: stable relationships. Well, I mean some people do, but many

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Speaker 3: people don't anymore. We're constantly having to create new relationships

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Speaker 3: and try to understand people, and it takes time.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it takes time, energy and attention. And you know,

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Speaker 2: when our lives are already so full, adding another element

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Speaker 2: like a new friend can actually seem overwhelming for some

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Speaker 2: of us.

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Speaker 3: And then when a family moves, when you move your

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Speaker 3: family to a new place and maybe you've got a

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Speaker 3: young baby and you feel so isolated and you feel

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Speaker 3: unsupported but you don't know anybody, and you try a

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Speaker 3: mother's group and you're like, oh, yeah, I just off

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Speaker 3: there my people, because like you said, it takes time.

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Speaker 4: So what happened for you that kind of got you

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Speaker 4: thinking about this?

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Speaker 2: You know, a couple of weeks ago, I was trying

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Speaker 2: to catch up with a friend and we'd organized a

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Speaker 2: couple of dates and it just hadn't worked out. She

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Speaker 2: actually got sick once and then another one she actually forgot.

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Speaker 3: And some friend Yeah, thanks Sharma, And.

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Speaker 2: So I was just like, you know what, I haven't

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Speaker 2: seen her and we really were missing connection. And so

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Speaker 2: one day I just popped over to her house just

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Speaker 2: to say hi. And I hadn't really intended on saying

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Speaker 2: very long, but she invited me in and we sat

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Speaker 2: down and we had a drink and before I knew it,

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Speaker 2: an hour and a half had passed away and dinner

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Speaker 2: was well and truly late.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. I remember that night because I was like, to

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Speaker 4: do I have to do this on my own? How

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Speaker 4: am I going to manage this? Gosh?

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Speaker 2: But it was so nice to kind of connect together.

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Speaker 2: And it wasn't until the next day I actually received

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Speaker 2: a text from her and she said, thanks so much

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Speaker 2: for popping in. She said, do you know in the

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Speaker 2: four years I've been here in Australia, you are literally

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Speaker 2: the first person to pop in and say hi.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And even though we've talked about it, I'm still

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Speaker 3: looking at you going I'm still struggling to kind of

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Speaker 3: get my head around that. But that also made me think,

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Speaker 3: you know, we've been living in our place here in

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Speaker 3: Brisbane for a little over four years, ourselves, we moved

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Speaker 3: in shortly. I ran about the same time that she

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Speaker 3: moved across from Canavia. We really can probably count on

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Speaker 3: one hand the number of people who have just dropped by,

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Speaker 3: like the unannounced visit from a friend. Doesn't seem to

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Speaker 3: happen anymore, No, And one.

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Speaker 2: Of part of me things is that because we've become

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Speaker 2: so insular that we're, you know, kind of so busy

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Speaker 2: doing our own life that we forget that there are

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Speaker 2: other people around us. Or is it that it's actually

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Speaker 2: become taboo in society these days to show up on

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Speaker 2: our friend's doorstep.

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Speaker 4: Well, is it taboo? I mean, have things changed? I know?

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Speaker 3: So when I was a kid, I used to go

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Speaker 3: to my grandma's house in Auburn in Sydney. My Nan

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Speaker 3: and Pop spent sixty something years in this little firebro

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Speaker 3: place that Pop built so that they could move into

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Speaker 3: it when they got married in the nineteen in fifties

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Speaker 3: I think it was, and they lived there for sixty years,

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Speaker 3: and I remember that there was just this sense of community.

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Speaker 3: There was this sense of you know, it takes a

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Speaker 3: village thing. Nan would stand at the back fence as

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Speaker 3: she was hanging out the clothes on the hills Hoist

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Speaker 3: and she would talk to I think it was Jean

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Speaker 3: that lived next door. They'd talk over the back fence.

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Speaker 3: They'd share a couple and they'd just they'd have a yarn.

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Speaker 3: They'd keep on talking and talking, and as a kid,

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Speaker 3: I was like, this is so boring. I'd start swinging

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Speaker 3: around on the clothesline, because that's what you did when

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Speaker 3: with the hills Hoist when you were a little But

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Speaker 3: there was just this sense of community and people would

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Speaker 3: just knock on the door and come in for a chat,

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Speaker 3: or they'd stand out in the front yard and have

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Speaker 3: a chat. We don't see that happening like I remember it.

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Speaker 4: When I was a kid. Is it okay to do that?

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Speaker 3: Like?

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Speaker 4: What have you discovered as you've thought about this.

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Speaker 2: We've moved a fair few times over the twenty odd

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Speaker 2: years that we've been married, and we've been in lots

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Speaker 2: of different communities, and we've been in communities where they

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Speaker 2: have just been so friendly and so welcoming and have

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Speaker 2: you know, just turned up on our doorstep and neighbor

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Speaker 2: with eggs.

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Speaker 4: Well.

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Speaker 3: I remember we moved into Tragen in Victoria in Gippsland,

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Speaker 3: and we had somebody to show up and say, saw.

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Speaker 4: You've moved in.

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Speaker 3: We just live up the road and we know what

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Speaker 3: it's like when you move in with a young family,

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Speaker 3: so we brought.

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Speaker 4: You some dinner. Yeah, and we were like, whoa, that

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Speaker 4: is epic.

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Speaker 2: You know what I loved about that visit. They actually

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Speaker 2: had photocopied the map Alterralgon's a tiny little place. They

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Speaker 2: just photocopied a page out of the map book and

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Speaker 2: actually had highlighted where the butcher was and where the

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Speaker 2: grocery store was, and we had.

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Speaker 4: To take away store to go to and which one

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Speaker 4: not to go to, and where the.

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Speaker 2: Doctor's surgery was because they saw we had a baby.

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Speaker 2: And it made such a difference to those first few

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Speaker 2: weeks when we were trying to kind of just get

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Speaker 2: our head around where.

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Speaker 4: We were, and we felt so welcomed as well.

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Speaker 2: But I have been in other places where it's been

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Speaker 2: the complete opposite.

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Speaker 3: And even here where we are like, we moved into

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Speaker 3: this house and I reckon it was months before we

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Speaker 3: even saw the neighbors.

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Speaker 2: It was more than months.

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Speaker 4: There, You go my point exactly.

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Speaker 3: But some people respond really well to having a drop

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Speaker 3: in unannounced, and other people respond not so well. I

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Speaker 3: reckon we should have a look at what research tells

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Speaker 3: us about how people feel about this and what your

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Speaker 3: experience has been.

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Speaker 4: In just a second, It's.

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Speaker 1: The Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because

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Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen.

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Speaker 3: Details at happy families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we've

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Speaker 2: been exploring this idea of.

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Speaker 4: Friendship and dropping in, dropping in? Is it okay? Or

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Speaker 4: is it not?

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Speaker 3: So you did some research on the internet. Well I

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Speaker 3: don't know how researchy this research was, but but you

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Speaker 3: found something.

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Speaker 4: I don't have a doctorate.

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Speaker 3: No no, no, no, that's what I'm saying. But I'm not

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Speaker 3: saying that. I'm saying like some of the stuff you

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Speaker 3: found was kind.

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Speaker 4: Of it was.

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Speaker 3: It was a little bit shocking to me. You found

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Speaker 3: one lady who said, don't you dare drop in? Yeah,

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Speaker 3: and a post about it.

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Speaker 2: I have experienced that, you know, with different friends who

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Speaker 2: are adamant, don't you don't ever show up unannounced?

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Speaker 4: So what did she say? Is not okay with it?

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Speaker 2: Like I can imagine I don't want to see you.

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Speaker 2: I'm having a bad day, my house isn't clean. I've

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Speaker 2: got other things that are more important than you.

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Speaker 4: Right, that's what she said. She said that that's really

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Speaker 4: harsh when you say it like that.

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Speaker 3: I'm sure that she didn't it was really harsh. But

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Speaker 3: I can also understand, you know, like some people don't

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Speaker 3: want you to walk into their messy house and see

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Speaker 3: them at their worst, when they haven't got their face on,

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Speaker 3: or when the kids are running a ravel.

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Speaker 4: I remember one.

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Speaker 3: Time, one time, years ago, we got an unannounced drop

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Speaker 3: in and it just happened to be I mean, I

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Speaker 3: was still a radio announce soer I having them begun

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Speaker 3: my psychology studies. But I was in the middle of

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Speaker 3: yelling at the kids as somebody knocked on the door.

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Speaker 2: How lucky were the kids that day?

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Speaker 4: And I felt so bad. I was like, oh, my goodness,

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Speaker 4: they've heard me. But you're right, how lucky were the kids?

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Speaker 1: You know?

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Speaker 4: Okay, thank you for that.

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Speaker 3: So anyway, I mean, what do you think about this

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Speaker 3: one thing that I've noticed about you?

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Speaker 4: You and I approach this very differently.

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Speaker 3: You don't like ringing somebody up and saying, hey, can

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Speaker 3: kids have a play date unless you're going to invite

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Speaker 3: that child over, and you often don't want to invite

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Speaker 3: that child over, Whereas for me, I'm like, bring anybody,

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Speaker 3: let's just see if we can get the kids together.

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Speaker 4: I don't care whose house it is.

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Speaker 3: Let's just say, can the kids get together for a

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Speaker 3: play We'll work out the details later.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Well, I feel like, you know, relationships that there's different

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Speaker 2: levels of relationships, and when it's a school mum that

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Speaker 2: I've said hello to twice in the playground, I kind

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Speaker 2: of yeah, I just find that a little bit disconcerting.

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Speaker 4: See, and I'm exactly the upset.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, well, this is a great opportunity for the

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Speaker 3: kids to get to know each other and for us

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Speaker 3: to build a sense of community.

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Speaker 4: Here comes the village.

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Speaker 3: We get to have that conversation in the front yard

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Speaker 3: for half an hour while the kids are getting acquainted

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Speaker 3: and playing, and then we can work out whose house

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Speaker 3: it's going to be at for the rest of the time.

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Speaker 2: That's all that discretionary time we talk about it. You

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Speaker 2: seem to have.

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Speaker 3: That nobody has. Maybe that's part of the problem as well. Okay,

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Speaker 3: So is it okay? Or is it not okay to

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Speaker 3: just call in.

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to use your line. It depends Dr Justin.

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Speaker 4: Is that right, okay? And what does it depend on

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Speaker 4: on both parties.

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Speaker 2: I think that you know, if you don't know someone

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Speaker 2: very well up on their doorstep, but could go the

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Speaker 2: wrong way. But just like with my friend, I know

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Speaker 2: her really well and I had every intention on only

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Speaker 2: staying for a minute or two if that's what she wanted,

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Speaker 2: and I would have even stood at the door and

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Speaker 2: had a five minute conversation with her and be happy.

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Speaker 4: To do that.

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Speaker 3: I think that's the key, because if you show up

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Speaker 3: and say hi, I'm here, let me in, let's have

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Speaker 3: a drink, let's have a talk, let's catch up for

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Speaker 3: the next two hours, that's that's not cool. But if

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Speaker 3: you're not going to say I was just calling by,

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Speaker 3: I wanted to drop this off, or I was just

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Speaker 3: calling by, I was thinking of you. Hear some flowers

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Speaker 3: and I know that things have been busy for you lately,

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Speaker 3: then the person who's doing your knocking on has the

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Speaker 3: discretion to make a decision for themselves and they can

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Speaker 3: be like, well, do you have time to come in?

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Speaker 3: Do you want to come and spend some time and

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Speaker 3: then you can have that sort of little negotiation about

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Speaker 3: is it okay or not?

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Speaker 2: And I'd like to think that as adults that we can,

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Speaker 2: you know, have that dialogue. You know. The research actually

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Speaker 2: tells us really clearly that closer relationships are such a

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Speaker 2: necessary part of optimal health and well being. And yet

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Speaker 2: I feel like we get so caught up on how

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Speaker 2: many likes we have on our Instagram or our Facebook

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Speaker 2: feeds sometimes that we accept that inferior form of connection

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Speaker 2: for the real connection that we crave.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and just on that.

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Speaker 3: I was doing some research recently, so there's a whole

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Speaker 3: lot of stuff going on in the world at the moment.

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Speaker 3: People are really concerned about the impact of loneliness. Research

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Speaker 3: says that when you have good friends, you live longer,

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Speaker 3: you live happier, things are better for you. But a

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Speaker 3: couple of years ago, the Australian Psychological Society reported that

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Speaker 3: about one in four Australians so that they're currently experiencing

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Speaker 3: an episode of loneliness, and fifty one percent, that's one

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Speaker 3: in two Australians report that they feel lonely for at

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Speaker 3: least one day each week. Like there is this crazy

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Speaker 3: loneliness thing happening all over the place, and young mums

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Speaker 3: are overrepresented because life can be so isolating, it can

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Speaker 3: be so hard to actually get stuff happening.

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Speaker 2: I think one of the keys to that is this

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Speaker 2: acknowledgment that in order for us to have close relationships,

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Speaker 2: we actually need to be willing to let people into

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Speaker 2: our space. Some would call it intimacy, some would call

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Speaker 2: it vulnerability.

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Speaker 3: Yes, the Brne Brown thing like like open up to people. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: but you've got to be careful because you don't know

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Speaker 3: it up too soon. Or people think, oh my goodness,

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Speaker 3: we've got a crazy one here, you know those overdisclosers.

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Speaker 3: You're like, well, we don't know each other nearly well

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Speaker 3: enough for this conversation.

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Speaker 2: Yet, maybe this podcast is a whole I.

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Speaker 3: Know, I'm thinking here we are complaining that nobody knocked

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Speaker 3: on our door, and people.

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Speaker 4: Are going to look u up.

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Speaker 3: We're going to get found, and we're going to have

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Speaker 3: all these random It's okay, you don't need to visit us.

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Speaker 3: We like people who we know really well to come visitors.

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Speaker 4: I shouldn't. I shouldn't joke about that. It's but it is.

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Speaker 4: People want to have nice relationships, right.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And as I was reading, you know, up on

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Speaker 2: those in the research, there's this acknowledgment that when we're

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Speaker 2: intimate with another person, we can experience positive mental and

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Speaker 2: physical reactions in our body, mind, and heart, and how

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Speaker 2: that has such a positive benefit on how we feel

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Speaker 2: about the world, about our lives, and in general, how

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Speaker 2: we then parent our children, because if we feel connected

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Speaker 2: and we feel grounded, we're able to bring our best

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Speaker 2: foot forward when we're with our children as a result.

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Speaker 4: I love that.

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Speaker 3: So what do we do if we want to build

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Speaker 3: stronger relationships? I know I'm the connection and relationships guy,

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Speaker 3: and I talk about that all the time with families,

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Speaker 3: But you've been doing a whole lot of digging as

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Speaker 3: a result of this conversation that you had with Shanna

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Speaker 3: and the wonderful friendship moment that it became. What's the

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Speaker 3: take I message? What do we do to eradicate loneliness

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Speaker 3: from our lives and build stronger bonds?

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Speaker 2: I think there's four things that can really really help,

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Speaker 2: and the first one is to just be really intentional.

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Speaker 2: If we want close relationships, then we need to be

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Speaker 2: intentional about and they don't just happen overnight. They take time,

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Speaker 2: and they take energy, and they take effort and deliberate

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Speaker 2: attempts to be intimate with each other, to let them

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Speaker 2: see you for who you are, and hopefully you're able

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Speaker 2: to see them for who they are.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but make sure that it happens appropriately, you know,

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00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:09,959
Speaker 3: like step lay upon layer upon layer. You don't want

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Speaker 3: it to be kind of Hey, my name's Kylie, and

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Speaker 3: let me tell you my last story.

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Speaker 4: That's a little bit too much. So don't turn on

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Speaker 4: the fire hose.

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Speaker 3: Just if someone wants to drink, give them a sip,

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Speaker 3: and then if they're still thirsty, you can give them

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Speaker 3: a bit more.

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Speaker 2: I think the next one is actually something that I

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Speaker 2: think sometimes are actually really poor at, and it's paying

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Speaker 2: close attention to other people, whether it be body language

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Speaker 2: or the things that they're saying. We can miss so

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Speaker 2: much if we're not paying attention, we're not being mindful

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Speaker 2: in the moment. I remember an experience that I actually had.

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Speaker 2: I only just met this mum at KINDI, but I

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Speaker 2: could tell within a week she was carrying the world

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Speaker 2: on her shoulders. And I finally bumped into her one

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Speaker 2: afternoon and I just said, is everything okay? You know,

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Speaker 2: I've noticed over the last few days you've been really heavy,

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Speaker 2: and she said, you know what, my husband's been hospitalized,

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Speaker 2: and you know, kind of just told me a few

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Speaker 2: bits and pieces. And I went home and I was like,

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Speaker 2: how can I help this mum? And so I actually

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Speaker 2: decided to just cook her a meal and we'd exchange numbers,

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Speaker 2: because I said, if I can help, let me know.

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Speaker 2: And so I just sent her a message and I said, look,

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Speaker 2: I said, I've just got something I wanted to drop

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Speaker 2: over to you.

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Speaker 4: Do you mind if I pop in?

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Speaker 2: And she said sure.

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Speaker 4: Well, when I.

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Speaker 2: Showed up with a lasagna in my hands, she kind

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Speaker 2: of just looked at me, like, who are you? But

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Speaker 2: she just melted because here she was with two young

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Speaker 2: kids and a husband who was obviously no longer able

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Speaker 2: to be a support to her, and she didn't have

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Speaker 2: anyone else around to kind of help. And so if

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Speaker 2: we just, you know, take the time to pay attention

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Speaker 2: to each other, we can find ways that we can

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Speaker 2: lift each other and help.

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Speaker 4: It's something that you do really, really well.

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Speaker 3: And I don't know if help is one of the

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Speaker 3: things that you've got on your list, but if it's not,

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Speaker 3: it should be because when we go out of our

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Speaker 3: way to help other people, we actually start to like

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Speaker 3: them more and they like us more as well, and

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Speaker 3: that's how we develop those relationships.

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Speaker 4: What are you last to be yourself?

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Speaker 2: Be yourself the most important thing. You don't want somebody

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Speaker 2: getting to know your other self. If you want to

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Speaker 2: have close relationships, you need to be genuine and I

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Speaker 2: think that's a really important part of any close relationship.

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Speaker 2: And the last one is actually help, but not in

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Speaker 2: the way you suggested. I think it's really important that

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Speaker 2: we learned to ask for help. When we learn to

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Speaker 2: ask for help, we actually give others permission to ask

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Speaker 2: for that help. And it doesn't mean that it has

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Speaker 2: to be anything monumental. But you know what, I might

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Speaker 2: actually hate cleaning my kitchen cupboards, but I have a

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Speaker 2: friend who's really, really good at organizing, and I might

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Speaker 2: just say to her, I'm really struggling in the kitchen.

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Speaker 2: Have you got an hour or two that you could

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Speaker 2: come and help me? And she might look at me

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Speaker 2: and think I'm an absolute nut. But I'm telling you now,

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Speaker 2: if it's a strong point of her, she's going to.

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Speaker 4: Yes, I'll be there.

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Speaker 3: You pick the person you're asking if you need dinner,

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00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,200
Speaker 3: make sure you choose a good cook, is what you're saying.

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Speaker 3: But what it does again is like you said, it

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Speaker 3: deepens the vulnerability, and it deepens the authenticity of the relationship.

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Speaker 3: And we really love people that we get to help,

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Speaker 3: and we create that sense of reciprocity that so long

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Speaker 3: as it's not a heavy thing, so as oh, now

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Speaker 3: I've got to owe them because they did this, but

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Speaker 3: so long as it is a sort of a mutual

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Speaker 3: agreement that this is just how I'm trying to help.

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Speaker 3: It's such a nice way to build a relationship.

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Speaker 2: You know. One of the simplest ways that I build

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Speaker 2: a relationship with our neighbor across the fence was I

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Speaker 2: asked if I could borrow some eggs. I was halfway

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Speaker 2: through a recipe. He didn't realize the kids at eating

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Speaker 2: the eggs for breakfast that morning, and I had half

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Speaker 2: a cake mix in the bowl and needed some eggs,

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Speaker 2: and I thought, you know what, I'll just reach out

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Speaker 2: to Natasha and see if she's got some eggs, which

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Speaker 2: she did, and she happily gave them to me.

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Speaker 3: It only took us nine months to get to know

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Speaker 3: those neighbors and now, they've become some of our favorite

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Speaker 3: neighbors ever.

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Speaker 4: To be wonderful, they'll ask for the sugar when they

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Speaker 4: need it to Yeah too, right, Hey, we really hope

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Speaker 4: that you enjoyed the podcast.

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Speaker 3: We'd love to know send us an email podcasts at

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Speaker 3: Happy families dot com dot au. Is it okay to

431
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,320
Speaker 3: just drop in or is it an definite no no?

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00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,120
Speaker 3: How often do you have friends called by? Or jump

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00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:50,520
Speaker 3: onto our Facebook page Dr Justin Courson's Happy Families and

434
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:51,680
Speaker 3: join the conversation there.

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00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,159
Speaker 4: We would love for that to happen.

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00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,679
Speaker 3: As always, if you're enjoying the podcast, please leave us

437
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,000
Speaker 3: our rating and review. It's those ratings and reviews that

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00:17:58,040 --> 00:17:59,679
Speaker 3: help people to find out about the podcast to make

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Speaker 3: their fanceamily's happier.

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Speaker 4: And that's it for today.

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Speaker 3: We really appreciate Justin rull On from Bridge Media for

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00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:08,120
Speaker 3: producing the podcast and Craig Bruce is our executive producer.

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Speaker 3: If you'd like more info about making your family happier,

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Speaker 3: we have ongoing monthly support. You can find all about

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Speaker 3: our memberships at happy families dot com dot au