1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: The SAS is a special unit in Australia's military. It's 2 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:14,040 Speaker 1: called the Special Air Service. Mister Tim Curtis is a 3 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:18,360 Speaker 1: senior partner at Metal Global Holdings, a senior consultant with 4 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,320 Speaker 1: more than twenty years of leadership a management experience, and 5 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,880 Speaker 1: he served in the SAS. He's been on the missions 6 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:27,440 Speaker 1: that we usually only see in the movies. 7 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:28,400 Speaker 2: He's got the kind. 8 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:32,600 Speaker 1: Of experience with stress and the experience with building resilience 9 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:36,159 Speaker 1: that most of us could never even imagine. And recently 10 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:39,199 Speaker 1: I sat down and had a conversation with Tim Curtis 11 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,080 Speaker 1: about stress, about resilience and how we can bring up 12 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,920 Speaker 1: strong kids. Why because he's got a brand new book 13 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:50,920 Speaker 1: coming out. The book is called Building Resilient Kids. And 14 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:55,040 Speaker 1: on Saturday, I'm going to play the entire conversation today 15 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,480 Speaker 1: a couple of sneak peaks. The insights are valuable and 16 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 1: I couldn't wait to Saturday to share at least some 17 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,319 Speaker 1: of it. It's a long introduction, let's get on with it. Hello, 18 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. My name is doctor 19 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: Justin Coulson. I'm here with my wife, missus Happy Families. 20 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 1: Kylie not feeling great today? 21 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,360 Speaker 3: Honey, I'm not feeling great. I'm not feeling resilient, a 22 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,480 Speaker 3: little bit of a scratchy throat. So hopefully we can 23 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,080 Speaker 3: get through. 24 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,760 Speaker 1: This all right, Real parenting solutions every day. This is 25 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:23,200 Speaker 1: Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Let's just crack straight into it. 26 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:24,560 Speaker 1: The first thing that I want to do is play 27 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 1: what Tim had to say about stress. Why because so 28 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,160 Speaker 1: many parents are worried about the kids experiencing stress. So 29 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 1: many parents I don't want their kids to experience the 30 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:37,000 Speaker 1: things that they went through because stress feels well stressful. 31 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:40,080 Speaker 1: This is what he had to say about the usefulness 32 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,039 Speaker 1: of stress. 33 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 2: We think about stress like it is all incredibly negative, 34 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 2: but Yerks and Dods and two researchers over one hundred 35 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 2: years ago prove that some stress in our life is beneficial. 36 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,000 Speaker 2: We can't have too little stress, we can't have too 37 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 2: much stress, but the right amount of stress drives us 38 00:01:56,960 --> 00:02:00,120 Speaker 2: to optimize performance. And the second comment I've made so 39 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 2: that is the thing called resilience, which is a big 40 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 2: word that hopefully we've codified in a fairly coherent way. 41 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:09,920 Speaker 2: It varies by degree, not kind. So that amount of 42 00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 2: stress in your life my life the life of our 43 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:16,320 Speaker 2: parents should be the same amount of stress in our kids' life, 44 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,520 Speaker 2: but it varies by degree, not kind, so it's relative stress. 45 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 2: Perhaps if I can cite one example, my youngest did 46 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,400 Speaker 2: not want to go to her year ten school camp. 47 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 2: She said, Dad, I've got anxiety. I don't want to go, 48 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:35,280 Speaker 2: making me anxious. I'm not going to survive the school camp. Now, 49 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,560 Speaker 2: back when we were growing up, that wasn't that's ronical term, 50 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:42,200 Speaker 2: that word anxiety. It was just called nervous. We said, nope, 51 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,240 Speaker 2: you're going to go. You'll grow from it. And on 52 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,720 Speaker 2: the other side of disturbance and disruption is growth. And 53 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,760 Speaker 2: so off she went. She came back, had an incredible time, 54 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 2: and twelve months later she's in the United States instructing 55 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:59,880 Speaker 2: at a summer camp herself. A little bit of st 56 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:01,040 Speaker 2: is useful. 57 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,880 Speaker 3: I love this for so many reasons. We talked about 58 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 3: the idea that we can have emotions but not be 59 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:14,680 Speaker 3: the emotion, that we can actually experience things but not 60 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:18,920 Speaker 3: identify as them. And this week a post came up 61 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 3: in my feed that just resonated beautifully with me. The 62 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 3: idea that the emotions we experience as a result of 63 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 3: stress in our lives are actually these amazing signals. Signals. Yeah, 64 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 3: they give us information and if we utilize them, they 65 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 3: actually can bless our lives in amazing ways. So just 66 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,080 Speaker 3: a few that came that stood out to me in 67 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:46,960 Speaker 3: this post was anger. Anger is is energy with a purpose. 68 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,760 Speaker 3: It builds when something challenges your values, it disrespects your 69 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,920 Speaker 3: boundaries or disrupts your sense of justice. Instead of letting 70 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,240 Speaker 3: it take over, turn it into change. 71 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:58,360 Speaker 2: Guilt. 72 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 3: Guilt is a sign that you're actions don't align with 73 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 3: your values, so let it guide you, not punish you. Frustration. 74 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,760 Speaker 3: Frustration is the feeling of being stuck between effort and outcome. 75 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 3: It's a sign that something isn't working either shift your 76 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 3: approach or your expectations. 77 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,279 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a really nice one. The frustration tolerance that 78 00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:20,799 Speaker 1: I'm always talking about fits really nicely there. I'm putting 79 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,359 Speaker 1: a lot of effort, I'm not getting the outcome that 80 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,159 Speaker 1: I want. And if we can help our children to 81 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 1: understand it, the stress that comes from this frustration is 82 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:33,120 Speaker 1: productive that by continuing to work in that zone of learning, 83 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:38,479 Speaker 1: that pit of what feels like despair sometimes will ultimately 84 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,280 Speaker 1: strengthen them, help them to build the muscles that they 85 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 1: need so that this thing no longer no longer creates 86 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,280 Speaker 1: the frustration for them, Kytie. I want to pick up 87 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 1: on a couple of things that he said as well. 88 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,440 Speaker 1: First of all, he talked about the Yerx Dodson law. 89 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 1: I think it was developed in like nineteen oh eight 90 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 1: or something like that. And this is something that I've 91 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,119 Speaker 1: used with our own kids, and I've used it in many, 92 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:02,960 Speaker 1: many counseling and conversation situations that I've had, where you 93 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,720 Speaker 1: basically draw this camel hump. At the bottom of the 94 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,080 Speaker 1: hump on the left hand side. What you're saying is 95 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,440 Speaker 1: there's no arousal, there's no anxiety, there's no stress, and 96 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 1: therefore performance really low. But counterintuitively, as stress and anxiety 97 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:22,159 Speaker 1: and arousali go up, performance improves. Why because you actually 98 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: care about it, you're making an effort. There's a level 99 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,800 Speaker 1: of stress on your body until you reach this peak level. 100 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,200 Speaker 1: If you get too much arousal, too much stress, too 101 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 1: much anxiety, then performance starts to drop down the other 102 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,520 Speaker 1: side of the hump again. And so that's what the 103 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 1: Erks Dodson law is. I just think he absolutely nailed 104 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,719 Speaker 1: it with what he said there The other thing that 105 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 1: really stood out to me was this he said, on 106 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 1: the other side of disturbance and disruption, in other words, 107 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,719 Speaker 1: on the other side of anxiety and stress is growth. 108 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:57,000 Speaker 1: So I'm constantly saying this on the pod. Avoidance reinforces anxiety. 109 00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:58,360 Speaker 2: But you know what. 110 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:03,200 Speaker 1: Activates growth is action, action, moving towards it, leaning in, 111 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:07,880 Speaker 1: getting curious, taking that anxiety, that stress, that worry, and 112 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,800 Speaker 1: saying all right, I need to learn more about this. 113 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,400 Speaker 1: I need to step into it, not step away from it. 114 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: I was doing a seminar recently and a phrase just 115 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,000 Speaker 1: popped into my head. It didn't pop into my head 116 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,400 Speaker 1: so much as it popped out of my mouth, and 117 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,480 Speaker 1: then my head heard it and went, oh, that's really good. 118 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:25,240 Speaker 1: I said, there's no triumph without trial. There's no triumph 119 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,160 Speaker 1: without trial. And that's really I think what Tim's getting 120 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,159 Speaker 1: at here. Well, I know that's what Tim's getting at here. 121 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 1: You don't know you're resilient, so you have to do 122 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,240 Speaker 1: the hard things. And so by protecting our kids from 123 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,799 Speaker 1: doing hard things, they don't have the opportunity to flex 124 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 1: that resilience muscle. 125 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:42,120 Speaker 3: Yeah, I love it. 126 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,480 Speaker 1: After the break, the thing that he said that really 127 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:56,080 Speaker 1: cattured me about the different layers of resilience. Okay, Kylie, 128 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,240 Speaker 1: we're talking about Tim Curtis. He's got a book coming 129 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 1: out of the next few days. It's called Building Resilient Kids. 130 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 1: Just check online you'll be able to find at Tim 131 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 1: Curtis Building Resilient Kids. The other thing that he said, Kylie, 132 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 1: that really really grabbed me. He talked about this thing 133 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 1: that I haven't come across before, the four layers of resilience. 134 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 2: The four truly modifiable layers are the mind layer. It's 135 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 2: the importance of mindset and also the importance of meditation 136 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,680 Speaker 2: and mindfulness practices, which yes, you can teach by agent 137 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,560 Speaker 2: stage to a toddle of Wadler tween and teen. Then 138 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 2: there's the body layer. Unsurprisingly, sleep, diet, and exercise. They 139 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 2: exist in this healthy trinity. Anything you do on one 140 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,640 Speaker 2: of those angles influences the other angle. And I get 141 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,840 Speaker 2: no prizes for telling you and your listeners that that 142 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 2: when we're under stress load, what are the first three 143 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 2: things that go inevitably it's. 144 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: Exercise, we eat lousies, stoping in our bodies, and get 145 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:52,760 Speaker 1: less sleep. 146 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, totally, that's right. That's right. And then there's the 147 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 2: social layers, so the importance of social support systems, the 148 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 2: people that are there for you, that you're there for. 149 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,080 Speaker 2: Then the professional lay. If we suck at our job, 150 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,640 Speaker 2: it's likely to bring more stress in our life. This 151 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:12,400 Speaker 2: is about improving confidence and competence to overcome adversities in 152 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 2: our professional life, including is stay at home parents if 153 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 2: that's the profession that you have. 154 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,440 Speaker 3: I never heard of this idea or concept of four 155 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 3: layers to building resilience. 156 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, four different domains where it matters, I guess. 157 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 3: Yeah. I love that the mind is the first layer because, 158 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,480 Speaker 3: as we know, the way we think impacts so much 159 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,680 Speaker 3: of what we actually do. 160 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,319 Speaker 1: You are what you think. You are what you think, 161 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 1: and what you think shapes your habits, and your habits 162 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,440 Speaker 1: shape your life. 163 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,840 Speaker 3: And mindsets at the absolute forefront of all of that. 164 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 3: So I love that. I love the idea and your 165 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:53,400 Speaker 3: acknowledgment that when we're under stressed, the three things that 166 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:58,760 Speaker 3: get just hammered every single time is our ability to sleep, 167 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 3: the kinds of foods that we eat. We crave the 168 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:04,160 Speaker 3: crappiest food when we're stressed. 169 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,320 Speaker 1: Well, it's because our willpower is low and we're just 170 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,000 Speaker 1: looking for a quick fix, A quick fix. Yeah, just 171 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,120 Speaker 1: got to turn our resources to other things. 172 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 3: And unfortunately our motivation is low then as well also, right, 173 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:19,640 Speaker 3: so exercise goes out the window. Social supports. This is 174 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:24,160 Speaker 3: just it's so huge. And I think what we're witnessing 175 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,360 Speaker 3: so much in our young kids, and I think across 176 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,400 Speaker 3: the board all of us, is this lack of social 177 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:35,440 Speaker 3: systems and social support structures because we are so busy 178 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:37,400 Speaker 3: and looking down all the time. 179 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,679 Speaker 1: It's so funny because the more I think about resilience, 180 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 1: the more I think about the conversation we're having now. 181 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,520 Speaker 1: It's really simple, like, if you want to live a 182 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:50,600 Speaker 1: happy life, focus on building good relationships, look after your 183 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,800 Speaker 1: body and your health by getting enough sleep, moving your body, 184 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,760 Speaker 1: and eating good food. Stay off screens, get outside and 185 00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:00,839 Speaker 1: be in nature. Like, do those things and you'll pretty 186 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 1: much be okay, you'll be resilient. You'll do enough hard things. 187 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,080 Speaker 1: It's just it's what we do for our well being. 188 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:08,160 Speaker 2: Anyway. 189 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 1: As you can tell, Tim's got a lot to offer. 190 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,160 Speaker 1: And I asked him about some of the missions that 191 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,800 Speaker 1: he served, what he was doing militarily when he was 192 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,360 Speaker 1: in the SAS, and how that taught him about resilience 193 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 1: as well. The conversation is really really intriguing and a 194 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,920 Speaker 1: delightful one, and we'll play the entire thing for you 195 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,400 Speaker 1: on Saturday. That's it for now. Though The Happy Family's 196 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:32,200 Speaker 1: podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, Mim 197 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,079 Speaker 1: Hammonds provides the research and a whole lot of other support. 198 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,240 Speaker 1: We appreciate both Justin and Mim. If you think that 199 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,720 Speaker 1: your family will be happier because of this episode, would 200 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,760 Speaker 1: you take a minute and share it. Maybe there's somebody 201 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,240 Speaker 1: that you know who would also benefit from a quick 202 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 1: conversation about resilience, stress, and doing better in life with 203 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,679 Speaker 1: these couple of ideas, Just click a couple of buttons, 204 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,320 Speaker 1: shoot it through. It won't take you any time at all, 205 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,360 Speaker 1: and it might just make a difference in somebody else's life. 206 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,120 Speaker 1: If you like information and more resources about making your 207 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:05,320 Speaker 1: family happier, check out Happy Families dot com dot au 208 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:09,040 Speaker 1: and more details about Tim's new book in the show notes.