WEBVTT - Walk down memory lane - Talking conflict resolution styles 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:22.280 Hey, everyone, it is producer Keisha here, and welcome back 0:00:22.280 --> 0:00:24.720 to another episode of Life Uncut. As some of you 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:27.880 are already aware, Laura and Britt are on their midiar break. 0:00:28.120 --> 0:00:31.240 Except if I'm being completely honest, I actually have started 0:00:31.240 --> 0:00:33.960 to feel quite bad because I've made Laura record just 0:00:34.000 --> 0:00:34.960 as much as normal, and. 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:37.000 I've been messaging both of them like a hundred times 0:00:37.040 --> 0:00:37.279 a day. 0:00:37.400 --> 0:00:39.640 So, Laura and Britt, if you are listening, I'm really 0:00:39.680 --> 0:00:41.280 really sorry that I have not let you have a 0:00:41.280 --> 0:00:44.159 proper holiday. It has been so nice for me to 0:00:44.159 --> 0:00:45.879 catch up with some of you in our dms. You 0:00:45.920 --> 0:00:48.440 can still send through all of your accidentally unfiltereds and 0:00:48.560 --> 0:00:51.199 you're asking cuts. I'm gonna be banking them for when 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:53.599 the girls are back. Just slide into our dms on 0:00:53.640 --> 0:00:57.319 Instagram at Life Uncut Podcast. And yes, it has been 0:00:57.360 --> 0:00:59.080 me posting a whole bunch of memes, so I hope 0:00:59.080 --> 0:00:59.800 you've been enjoying. 0:00:59.800 --> 0:00:59.959 Though. 0:01:00.200 --> 0:01:03.280 Is something super exciting that he's going to be dropping 0:01:03.320 --> 0:01:07.120 in your podcast libraries this Thursday Is that our favorite 0:01:07.160 --> 0:01:10.280 batchy couple of course, Laura and Maddie Jay are going 0:01:10.319 --> 0:01:13.080 to be catching up with our brand new bachelor Jimmy 0:01:13.160 --> 0:01:16.600 Nicholson Pilot Jimmy, the one that you've seen the commercials 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:19.720 with him pulling his little luggage through the airport seeing 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:20.560 all the people. 0:01:20.240 --> 0:01:22.520 In love that one. We did a call out to you. 0:01:22.480 --> 0:01:24.440 Guys to see what kind of things you would like 0:01:24.520 --> 0:01:27.039 to get to know about Jimmy, and some of your 0:01:27.160 --> 0:01:30.720 questions have been absolutely hilarious and it would seem as 0:01:30.720 --> 0:01:33.560 though Pilot Jimmy was a little bit of a bachelor 0:01:33.760 --> 0:01:36.399 before he was a bachelor. So that will be dropping 0:01:36.400 --> 0:01:39.560 in your podcast libraries this Thursday. But for today, we're 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:41.400 going to be taking a trip down memory lane, which 0:01:41.400 --> 0:01:44.240 means that we are revisiting some of our favorite episodes 0:01:44.280 --> 0:01:47.200 from the past and today. The episode that we are 0:01:47.240 --> 0:01:49.760 jumping back to is episode eighty six. 0:01:49.840 --> 0:01:50.480 It is from. 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:52.640 December last year, and it's called Fight for Your Right. 0:01:52.720 --> 0:01:56.080 Talking conflict resolution styles, we thought that this was a 0:01:56.280 --> 0:01:58.480 kind of good one, particularly right now if you're in Sydney, 0:01:58.480 --> 0:01:59.840 a lot of you are going to be locked inside 0:01:59.840 --> 0:02:03.000 with your partners, your family, or your housemates, so we 0:02:03.000 --> 0:02:04.520 thought it would be a nice time to go back 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:07.400 and take a look at some conflict resolution styles and 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:10.400 which one you kind of fit into I actually remember 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:13.400 listening back to this episode and realizing that I had 0:02:13.440 --> 0:02:16.200 an avoidant style of conflict, and it made a whole 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:18.000 lot of sentence as to how I kind of deal 0:02:18.040 --> 0:02:20.400 with conflict in my life. So I really hope you 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:22.680 enjoy it. See you back here on Thursday for a 0:02:22.680 --> 0:02:25.040 brand new episode of Laura and Maddie Jay catching up 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:27.200 with our brand new batchie Jimmy Nicholson. 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:29.760 We hope you enjoy the episode. Let's get into it. 0:02:31.760 --> 0:02:33.960 I have been really really looking forward to doing this 0:02:34.040 --> 0:02:37.079 episode because we did we did what we did attachment styles, 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:39.240 and we've done love languages in the past, and I 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:43.040 feel like this conversation around conflict resolution and our conflict 0:02:43.080 --> 0:02:48.000 styles is kind of like the third phase in those conversations. Well, 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:50.639 they all intertwined, don't they, Like they all have something 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:52.560 to do with each other. I think they were so 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:55.880 quick to talk about how our love languages define our 0:02:55.919 --> 0:02:58.760 relationship or how our attachment styles define our relationship. But 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:02.480 I actually think, genuinely what results in like a long 0:03:02.560 --> 0:03:05.760 term happy relationship is our ability to resolve conflict. Like 0:03:05.800 --> 0:03:09.399 I think conflict and our conflict resolution is so important 0:03:09.600 --> 0:03:11.880 in actually being able to maintain a long term, happy 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:14.680 relationship and Britain. I have done so much research and 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:16.880 unpacking this, and we've looked at a couple of different studies. 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:19.400 We've also kind of broken down for this episode, what 0:03:19.440 --> 0:03:22.800 are the five different conflict styles and then also like 0:03:23.120 --> 0:03:25.720 what are the different types of fighting that we get into, 0:03:25.760 --> 0:03:29.359 Like you know, whether it's like passive aggressive, whether it's defensiveness. 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:31.760 All these different character traits of how we deal with 0:03:31.800 --> 0:03:34.440 conflict and how we act in like a real nitty 0:03:34.440 --> 0:03:36.120 gritty way. We want to unpack all of that in 0:03:36.160 --> 0:03:38.800 this episode. So, I mean it sounds like a heavy one, 0:03:38.880 --> 0:03:40.920 but I'm sure all noting the last and arguments that 0:03:40.960 --> 0:03:43.800 are a completely unavoidable part of every relationship. I think 0:03:43.800 --> 0:03:46.240 if you try and completely avoid them, you're never going 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:48.120 to resolve things that come up, and you're never going 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:49.600 to be able to work together as a team to 0:03:49.640 --> 0:03:51.840 actually find that deeper level of love and respect for 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:54.880 each other. And there's this fear about arguments and this 0:03:54.960 --> 0:03:57.320 fear about fighting that it's always going to end up 0:03:57.400 --> 0:03:59.080 in oh, we're going to break up, you know. I 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:02.680 think that there's only some relationships that are so volatile 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:05.320 where you feel like every time you have a fight, 0:04:05.480 --> 0:04:07.680 it's going to mean the end of the relationship. But 0:04:07.760 --> 0:04:10.240 I think you know, fights can be a really really 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:13.600 great way of galvanizing you. Conflict can be an amazing 0:04:13.640 --> 0:04:15.840 way of making you work together as a team, and 0:04:15.920 --> 0:04:18.400 it really kind of separates the people who are going 0:04:18.440 --> 0:04:20.400 to make it for the long hall and the relationships 0:04:20.400 --> 0:04:21.400 that are going to fucking fizzle. 0:04:21.720 --> 0:04:24.840 The thing is, like Laurid has said, conflict's arguments. Fighting, 0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:27.360 it's all inevitable. There is absolutely no way you can 0:04:27.400 --> 0:04:31.480 have a long term, healthy relationship without the fighting. In fact, 0:04:31.600 --> 0:04:34.200 they actually say that couples that don't argue and disagree 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:36.360 and fight at all, that there's something wrong in that 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:39.720 relationship because it means that someone's probably suppressing their feelings. 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:43.159 The thing that they say is it's not actually the 0:04:43.200 --> 0:04:46.360 fighting that's the problem. Couples have a really hard time 0:04:46.400 --> 0:04:48.000 coming to terms with the fact that it's not the 0:04:48.000 --> 0:04:49.760 fighting and it's not what it's about. The thing that's 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:52.040 important is how you deal with the fight, and that's 0:04:52.080 --> 0:04:53.560 why we wanted to go into this. That's why we 0:04:53.560 --> 0:04:55.520 thought it was so important to go into this, because 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:57.960 how you deal with a fight is literally what will 0:04:58.000 --> 0:04:59.440 determine your relationship. 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:01.280 Maybe you are in a relationship where you're like, oh 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:03.120 my god, me and my boyfriend, we never fight. We 0:05:03.200 --> 0:05:06.160 love it so much. Well, no, I don't think you're 0:05:06.160 --> 0:05:08.880 necessarily lying. I just don't think you've necessarily done the 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:12.080 full spectrum of your relationship yet. Matt and I we 0:05:12.120 --> 0:05:15.440 never ever used to fight, like I honestly, before having kids, 0:05:15.720 --> 0:05:18.600 before like living together, when we were in our honeymoon phase, 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:22.799 we never fought. And I was like, this relationship is bliss. 0:05:22.839 --> 0:05:25.280 This is how relationships are supposed to be. And now 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:28.160 that we have more responsibilities, now that there's more stress, 0:05:28.160 --> 0:05:29.760 now that there's more pressure, now that we have to 0:05:29.760 --> 0:05:32.479 deal with money, like all of these different aspects of 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:35.960 a really serious, committed relationship that are going through the 0:05:36.000 --> 0:05:39.719 full journey of life. Yeah, of course we argue. We 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:42.040 don't fight like Matt and I never We never fight 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:44.800 in a way that's like toxic to our relationship. But 0:05:44.920 --> 0:05:47.240 we argue and then we resolve it. And I think that, 0:05:47.279 --> 0:05:49.720 you know, us being able to argue and respect each 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:53.039 other has been really really beneficial in us actually forming 0:05:53.040 --> 0:05:55.200 a deeper connection. And I would say, even though now 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:58.240 we argue in our relationship very sporadically and from time 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:00.800 to time. We're way close, so now than what we 0:06:00.800 --> 0:06:02.640 were when we're in our honeymoon phase when we were 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:09.120 like everything is, everything is. The thing is in a 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:11.600 while since I sang that song You're a welcome, sing that. 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:13.600 To me all the time you see it to Marley Sho, 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:19.159 You're it's got like, no, the thing is for everything 0:06:19.160 --> 0:06:23.280 that I've read, for every relationship therapist, every psychologist, and 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:25.240 even like it does it is just how I feel 0:06:25.240 --> 0:06:28.359 about the situation as well. Couples that absolutely say that 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:31.200 they never ever fight, they never argue, and never disagree. 0:06:31.240 --> 0:06:35.160 It's it's almost impossible someone is just suppressing their feelings 0:06:35.160 --> 0:06:37.520 and their opinions and their thoughts too much, because it 0:06:37.640 --> 0:06:40.520 is impossible to find two people in the world that 0:06:40.640 --> 0:06:44.719 can a find each other and then totally one hundred 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:49.000 percent agree with every single thing in life, Like it's impossible. 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:51.000 What it just means is maybe there's a part of 0:06:51.040 --> 0:06:52.800 you and we're going to go into this that has 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:55.040 a bit of an avoidance style, which is where like 0:06:55.080 --> 0:06:56.719 you just want to please you just you can't be 0:06:56.760 --> 0:06:58.719 bothered to have the argument, so you're like, yeah, babe, like, 0:06:58.720 --> 0:07:01.040 that's fine, whatever, I'm so, let's not talk about it. 0:07:01.240 --> 0:07:03.560 So we're going to break them all down now. But 0:07:03.640 --> 0:07:06.000 we think the really important thing is once you know 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:08.240 your style, and once you know your partner's style, it's 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:10.320 important to know how to use that, how to change that, 0:07:10.400 --> 0:07:12.840 and how to work together to continue your relationship and 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:15.440 progress in a really healthy way. Totally, because exactly what 0:07:15.480 --> 0:07:17.680 we talked about when we did the Love Languages episode, 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:20.400 you might have a different conflict style to your partner, 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:23.040 and that's where things can become really tricky. Like if 0:07:23.200 --> 0:07:25.320 and we talked about this on the last Ask Uncut 0:07:25.360 --> 0:07:27.880 episode where I did it with Matt, the person had 0:07:27.920 --> 0:07:30.360 written in saying that there's somebody who requires a lot 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:32.920 of reassurance and their partner is more of an avoid 0:07:33.400 --> 0:07:37.000 and that leaves them feeling really invalidated in their relationship 0:07:37.000 --> 0:07:38.560 and in their fights, and that it makes them really 0:07:38.600 --> 0:07:40.800 frantic and really upset because they want their partner to 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:42.960 tell them, you know, to love them and reassure them, 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:44.840 but really when they're having a fight, their partner just 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:46.520 wants to kind of go away and have a little 0:07:46.520 --> 0:07:49.360 bit of time to themselves. So I think it's really 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:53.080 important and we actually did our own conflict resolution style tests, 0:07:53.080 --> 0:07:54.840 So there's a test that you can do that tells 0:07:54.880 --> 0:07:57.360 you how you deal with conflict, and you can sit 0:07:57.400 --> 0:07:58.880 down and do that with your partner as well, and 0:07:58.920 --> 0:08:00.640 that gives you a better understand of who they are 0:08:00.720 --> 0:08:03.920 as a person. And you know, relationships are all about 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:07.600 compromise and compromising on your conflict styles and not expecting 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:10.280 someone to fight in the exact same way that you fight, 0:08:10.640 --> 0:08:12.800 because that's unfair as well. You know, we expect to 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:15.160 compromise in our love languages, we expect to compromise in 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:18.720 our attachment styles. We expect this level of understanding in 0:08:18.800 --> 0:08:21.240 all other aspects of our life. But sometimes when it 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:25.040 comes to fighting, we can be so fucking stubborn because 0:08:25.080 --> 0:08:27.840 what happens when you are angry about something or. 0:08:27.880 --> 0:08:30.960 You want to win. Now, I want to win. But 0:08:31.040 --> 0:08:33.760 what happens is that we have a rational mind and 0:08:33.800 --> 0:08:37.600 we have an emotional mind, and the emotional mind, when 0:08:37.679 --> 0:08:40.680 it is angry, is much more powerful than the rational mind, 0:08:40.679 --> 0:08:43.559 and we don't have the capacity to use both simultaneously 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:45.800 at the same time. Very well. Even though we are 0:08:45.800 --> 0:08:48.400 a very advanced species, there's some things that we still 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:51.160 haven't got our shit together on. You might even recognize 0:08:51.160 --> 0:08:54.840 this in yourself, But when you feel angry at your partner, 0:08:54.880 --> 0:08:56.960 if you're in a relationship, and I know I do this, 0:08:58.120 --> 0:09:01.800 when I'm angry at Matt for some thing, my rational 0:09:01.840 --> 0:09:04.800 mind completely goes out the window. I'm not angry and 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:06.679 thinking at the same time, Oh, I love this man 0:09:06.840 --> 0:09:09.280 so much. You know, I'm gonna talk to him calmly. 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:12.160 We're gonna have a lovely conversation. I'm like, I don't 0:09:12.160 --> 0:09:13.679 even care if he walks out the door right now. 0:09:13.720 --> 0:09:15.920 I want to strangle yourse I care like, of course, 0:09:15.960 --> 0:09:18.800 my rational mind would be devastated if he actually walked 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:20.000 out the door. You'd be like, no way, I was 0:09:20.040 --> 0:09:24.240 joking back, totally, totally here. But in that moment of 0:09:24.320 --> 0:09:28.880 anger that overpowers any feelings of love, any feelings of adoration, 0:09:29.200 --> 0:09:32.520 of any feelings of you know, all of this hard 0:09:32.559 --> 0:09:34.760 work that you've put together as a couple. Anger is 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:37.840 so powerful that it can override all of those other emotions, 0:09:37.880 --> 0:09:40.440 and it can make you feel very irrational and well. 0:09:40.440 --> 0:09:42.880 That's why it's important all the time to not necessarily 0:09:42.960 --> 0:09:48.920 have conversations around arguments when you're feeling angry, sometimes it's 0:09:48.960 --> 0:09:50.880 really important to step away from it, have that time 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:53.920 to cool down, and then have the conversation about whatever 0:09:53.960 --> 0:09:56.120 it is that's made you upset. When you're able to 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:58.560 actually use your rational mind so that you don't say things, 0:09:58.600 --> 0:10:01.680 or do things, or act passiveggressively, or just behave in 0:10:01.720 --> 0:10:04.360 a way that's going to damage the relationship further, or 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:06.200 it's going to create more of a problem. You end 0:10:06.280 --> 0:10:08.480 up fighting not even about the thing that happened, but 0:10:08.520 --> 0:10:10.120 about the way that you're speaking to each other or 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:11.320 the way that you're treating each other. 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:14.280 Well, the thing is, we've all I all want you 0:10:14.360 --> 0:10:16.640 to think back. We've all sent a message or said 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:18.760 something in the heat of a moment that you immediately 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:20.520 regret and you're like, fuck, why did. 0:10:20.440 --> 0:10:20.960 I say that. 0:10:20.960 --> 0:10:23.400 That's because you should never ever ever fight or send 0:10:23.440 --> 0:10:26.520 a message or send an email or do anything when 0:10:26.520 --> 0:10:29.520 you are mad, Like please, don't step away from your computer, 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:31.440 turn it off, throw it out the window, whatever you 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:32.480 have to do. 0:10:32.120 --> 0:10:34.120 Do some deep breathing, and go for a walk. 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.600 One hundred percent, nothing good ever comes from sending a 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:40.880 message when you're really mad, because then what happens is 0:10:41.240 --> 0:10:43.240 you know that you might not have meant it, and 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:45.320 you will apologize for it down the track. You'll be like, look, 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:47.040 I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean to I 0:10:47.040 --> 0:10:49.880 was angry. The damage is done. You've said it, and 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:52.400 your partner or your friend or whoever knows that that 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:55.880 is somewhere lying inside of you, and that sometimes can 0:10:55.920 --> 0:10:58.840 be irreparable. Okay, So let's actually get into what the 0:10:59.080 --> 0:11:00.240 argument styles are. 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:03.080 So there is a researcher named doctor John Gottman, and 0:11:03.120 --> 0:11:05.840 doctor John Gottman is he's kind of the founder for 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:09.160 this research. He spent thirty forty years. I mean, there's 0:11:09.280 --> 0:11:11.439 forty years. Let's go forty years. Sure. He spent the 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:15.959 last forty years researching why some couples managed to like 0:11:16.240 --> 0:11:18.720 stay together and how they deal with conflict, versus why 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:22.720 some couples their relationships disintegrate. So there's been two massive 0:11:22.720 --> 0:11:24.080 studies that have been done. One of them was this 0:11:24.200 --> 0:11:26.840 longitudinal study that went over the space of thirty years 0:11:27.080 --> 0:11:31.280 where he observed newlyweds and then years and years later 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:34.480 figured out which ones stayed together which ones didn't. And 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:40.080 he thinks and talks about commitment long research min issues. 0:11:40.120 --> 0:11:42.800 Does he well, it's actually heaving his wife who do it, 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:46.040 and they're both psychologists and they have So basically what 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:48.720 happened is in the seventies there was this huge influx 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:50.800 in divorce rates, and as a sort of knee jerk 0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:54.040 response to this, a lot of psychologists and philosophers started 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:57.520 doing research studies around why were people getting divorced and 0:11:57.559 --> 0:11:59.560 what impact was this going to have on children and 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:02.240 on cup and their ability to live long and happy 0:12:02.320 --> 0:12:05.440 lives now that divorce rates were going up exponentially. And 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:07.719 then David Gotman sort of jumped on the bandwagon in 0:12:07.800 --> 0:12:10.400 nineteen seventy, but he did some really profound research around 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:12.520 nineteen eighty six and that's when he did this newly 0:12:12.559 --> 0:12:15.920 weired research study. And basically the results of this have 0:12:16.040 --> 0:12:18.240 come out to say that it's a ninety percent predictor 0:12:18.520 --> 0:12:20.440 of couples that are going to stay together and couples 0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:23.280 that will divorce. Because he believes that conflict style comes 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:27.040 down to everything in a relationship. And so five conpict 0:12:27.040 --> 0:12:29.280 styles that there are. Three of them are healthy and 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:31.600 can be used in different ways. Two of them are 0:12:31.640 --> 0:12:36.239 incredibly unhealthy. So the three healthy ones are conflict avoids, 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:40.360 volatile couples, doesn't really sound like that should be positive. Yeah, 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:45.359 but it is volatile couples validating couples. They're the three positives. 0:12:45.720 --> 0:12:50.720 The two negatives are hostile couples and hostile detached couples. Now, Brittan, 0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:53.360 I both did our own tests, and before we unpack 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:56.280 what each one is, what are you, Brittany? So mine 0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:57.360 was actually really surprising. 0:12:57.440 --> 0:12:59.560 I did Oprah's test because I love Oprah, but then 0:12:59.600 --> 0:13:02.040 we did this same taps, So I, yeah, I thought 0:13:02.040 --> 0:13:05.120 I'd be avoidant, but I actually got a validating style 0:13:05.160 --> 0:13:08.280 of conflict, which I can see as well. But it 0:13:08.320 --> 0:13:10.280 was surprising because I thought in my mind that I 0:13:10.320 --> 0:13:12.360 was just a complete avoid of conflict. 0:13:12.400 --> 0:13:13.640 But turns out I'm not. 0:13:14.360 --> 0:13:16.560 I do avoid conflict at all times. I mean, you 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:19.400 can even look back on my Bachelor Bachelor in Paradise. 0:13:19.600 --> 0:13:20.680 I just I wasn't even. 0:13:20.559 --> 0:13:22.120 On the show because I was like me, I just 0:13:22.160 --> 0:13:24.400 got so awkward whenever there was a fight, I was 0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:26.880 just like, I don't I just naturally it makes me 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:29.839 really anxious. Like I not that long ago got into 0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:32.120 an argument with a friend, which I have never done 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:33.760 in my life. Like I've never argued with a friend, 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:36.400 and I was almost physically sick at the thought of 0:13:37.360 --> 0:13:39.280 fighting with someone and talking about it, and I literally 0:13:39.320 --> 0:13:41.959 avoided it. I was literally saying, let's forget it. I 0:13:42.000 --> 0:13:44.040 don't want to talk about anything about it. Let's move 0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:48.040 on with our friendship. But she her style of conflict 0:13:48.120 --> 0:13:51.400 was quite like aggressive and quite we're talking about this, now, 0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:53.440 we're dealing with this, now, this is what And I 0:13:53.640 --> 0:13:56.160 was like, Matte, don't want to pretend it didn't happen, 0:13:57.440 --> 0:13:59.319 even though I was not in the wrong at all. 0:13:59.800 --> 0:14:02.880 I just like, look, I'm apologizing that you felt that way, 0:14:03.200 --> 0:14:04.760 but let's move on because I'm done with it. 0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:06.880 I will avoid it at all costs. 0:14:07.320 --> 0:14:10.120 But validating just means that I don't. 0:14:09.960 --> 0:14:11.360 Want to be in it. But when I am in it, 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:12.120 I won't avoid it. 0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:15.280 So when you're avoidant and you're in a fight, proper 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:18.040 proper couples that are avoidant, or you're a proper person 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:20.960 that has avoidant argument style will literally shut down. They 0:14:21.000 --> 0:14:24.520 won't even engage in the conversation at all. They won't 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:27.480 hear anything, they won't contribute, they'll literally just walk away 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:29.720 or sit there in silence. That is what it means 0:14:29.960 --> 0:14:32.160 when I get to that point I will happily have 0:14:32.200 --> 0:14:34.160 the conversation. If I'm in the room and it's happening, 0:14:34.560 --> 0:14:36.440 I will go at it. I will prove my points, 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:38.280 and I won't avoid it once it's there, I'll just 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:39.880 avoid the situation happening. 0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:43.480 Avoidant conflict style doesn't mean it doesn't mean stonewalling, and 0:14:43.520 --> 0:14:45.440 it doesn't mean silent treatment. And I think that that's 0:14:45.440 --> 0:14:47.280 the really important I think the language in this can 0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:48.800 be a bit confusing, So that's what I would just 0:14:48.800 --> 0:14:52.160 want to like separate out. Avoidance styles just mean that 0:14:52.200 --> 0:14:54.360 when there's conflict, you need a little bit of time 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:56.600 to go away to process and then you'll have a 0:14:56.640 --> 0:15:00.240 conversation about it. It doesn't mean that you avoid it completely. 0:15:00.280 --> 0:15:02.680 People who avoid completely and will get into this later. 0:15:02.760 --> 0:15:05.480 People who avoid completely by giving someone the silent treatment. 0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:08.040 That's actually one of what they call the four horsemens 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:10.720 of conflict. And it's like that's the beginning of the end. 0:15:10.920 --> 0:15:12.800 Well, that's the frustrating bit where you're in the fire 0:15:12.800 --> 0:15:16.080 and you're like say something anything because they're just sitting 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:16.880 there in silence. 0:15:16.960 --> 0:15:19.360 Yeah, And I think sometimes when people do that, like silence, 0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:22.240 like silence is more powerful than anything else and it 0:15:22.280 --> 0:15:24.560 could be more hurtful than anything else. We'll get into 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:26.760 what that is and break down avoid in a little 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:30.360 bit further. But I was really surprised by mine. Actually, no, 0:15:30.440 --> 0:15:32.840 I take that back. I wasn't surprised by mind at all. 0:15:33.080 --> 0:15:36.600 So I'm sure suggressive. I'm not a hostile fighter. No, 0:15:36.640 --> 0:15:39.680 mine was still a positive conflict style. I'm a volatile, 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:43.720 volatile conflict style, which basically just means that like, I'm 0:15:43.840 --> 0:15:48.640 very passionate, I am very opinionated, and I don't hold back, 0:15:48.760 --> 0:15:51.200 but also I make up very quickly, so and Matt 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:53.280 is exactly the same. And I would have thought that 0:15:53.360 --> 0:15:57.200 we were like a bit more collaborative, but then reading 0:15:57.240 --> 0:16:00.200 about how we fight, and this is really interesting. One 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:01.680 of the things that was like one of the key 0:16:01.760 --> 0:16:07.080 questions in our little questionnaire was like, what do you 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:10.800 do when somebody is trying to bring up conflict with you? 0:16:11.120 --> 0:16:12.960 And like, for me, in the heat of the moment, 0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:15.160 if Matt is angry at me and he's getting telling 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:18.440 me what I've done wrong, in my mind, I'm formulating 0:16:18.480 --> 0:16:21.200 my rebuttal like that's what I'm doing. I'm not listening 0:16:21.200 --> 0:16:23.360 to what he's saying. I'm like I'm I'm gonna tell 0:16:23.400 --> 0:16:25.960 you what you did wrong. Actually that is totally you, 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:29.080 totally And it's like a defensive thing, and I've spoken 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:31.160 about a little bit on past episodes. For me, it's 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:33.800 not like I am really really conscious of it now, 0:16:33.800 --> 0:16:36.040 and I try not to do it because I understand 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:38.480 that it's not helpful and it doesn't actually progress the 0:16:38.520 --> 0:16:41.280 conversation to a point wherehere, you know, making up. But 0:16:41.400 --> 0:16:44.080 the reason why I do it is because I don't 0:16:44.120 --> 0:16:46.800 want to believe that I have hurt his feelings. So 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:49.800 instead of actually accepting and saying I'm really sorry that 0:16:49.800 --> 0:16:51.640 I've done that, I'm really sorry that I've hurt your feelings, 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:54.960 straight away, I continue to hurt his feelings. No, what 0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:59.120 I do is that I invalidate those feelings by saying like, well, 0:16:59.200 --> 0:17:04.880 that didn't happen and or like you're overreacting, which yeah, fully, 0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:07.159 But we do a tweet to other because Mat and 0:17:07.240 --> 0:17:09.200 I are exactly the same in the way that we fight, 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:11.560 and we've talked about this now and like we recognize 0:17:11.600 --> 0:17:13.000 that in each other, and as soon as someone is 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:15.480 doing it, we can easily say, like, hey, you're not 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:18.560 listening to me, you're deflecting this isn't helpful. Let's talk 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:19.400 about this in ten minutes. 0:17:19.440 --> 0:17:21.760 And both very strong personalities. And I've seen you have 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:24.280 little arguments, like nothing serious, but I've seen it, and 0:17:24.280 --> 0:17:25.600 I can tell you it's definitely. 0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:30.080 Not collaborative style. It's like you're both strong. 0:17:29.800 --> 0:17:31.320 And you're both stubborn, and you both want to be 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:33.399 right and you both don't want to be wrong. But 0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:34.880 that's completely normal as well. 0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:36.400 Yeah, and I think that there's a lot of people 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:40.199 who like default is defensiveness in relationships and in fighting. 0:17:40.240 --> 0:17:43.600 But like, the other thing with volatile conflict styles is 0:17:43.600 --> 0:17:46.200 that you also make up really quickly, and you also 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:48.440 make up in a very passionate way, so like make 0:17:49.680 --> 0:17:53.920 I mean anymore you're all pregnant bird over here. But 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:56.560 more so, just like our fights are very short lived, 0:17:56.600 --> 0:17:59.280 Like any argument or conflict that we have in our relationship, 0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:02.440 I give it an hour before one of us is like, baby, 0:18:02.480 --> 0:18:04.920 I'm so sorry. Like you know, we always see things 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:07.760 from each other's perspective. It's just we deal with things 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:10.639