WEBVTT - Superyachts, Sports Cars, and a Secret She Couldn’t Tell Anyone 0:00:00.600 --> 0:00:01.080 Hello. 0:00:01.480 --> 0:00:04.840 My name is Satasha Nabananga Bamblet. I'm a proud or 0:00:04.880 --> 0:00:08.600 the Order Kerni Whaltbury and a waddery woman. And before 0:00:08.600 --> 0:00:11.080 we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:14.240 would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land 0:00:14.360 --> 0:00:17.599 of which this podcast is recorded on a wondery country. 0:00:18.079 --> 0:00:22.520 Acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through. 0:00:23.000 --> 0:00:27.080 As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:30.520 the storytelling of you to make a difference for today 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:33.040 and lasting impact for tomorrow. 0:00:33.240 --> 0:00:34.120 Let's get into it. 0:00:34.280 --> 0:00:53.519 She's on the Money. She's on the Money. 0:00:57.120 --> 0:01:00.000 Hello, and welcome to She's on the Money. The podcast 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:02.520 does that let's you be pervy about other people's money 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:06.560 habits educational purposes of course. Welcome back to another one 0:01:06.600 --> 0:01:09.240 of our money diaries where I get the absolute privilege 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:11.720 of talking to one of our incredible She's on the 0:01:11.720 --> 0:01:15.000 Money community members all about their journey. Before I read 0:01:15.040 --> 0:01:17.080 out today's email, I actually just want to jump in 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:19.720 here and give a content warning. So today we are 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:22.640 going to be discussing domestic violence. We are going to 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:25.800 be talking about financial abuse, and if that's not for 0:01:25.880 --> 0:01:27.920 you and you aren't in the mood for hearing that, 0:01:28.080 --> 0:01:30.160 or it is a story that is one that you 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:33.199 just don't really want to hear right now, jump off. 0:01:33.280 --> 0:01:35.959 We have more than seven hundred other episodes you can 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:39.360 listen to, but if you're still sticking around, let's get 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:42.480 into it. This week, I got a very powerful message 0:01:42.600 --> 0:01:46.440 and it sounded like this, dear, she's on the money. 0:01:46.680 --> 0:01:49.600 I grew up in a working class family. Mum raised 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:51.760 two kids on her own, and my dad didn't pay 0:01:51.840 --> 0:01:55.520 child support, so she busted her balls, working three jobs. 0:01:55.840 --> 0:01:59.760 I've seen her lose money due to relationship breakdowns, one boyfriend. 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:02.760 Our house down when I was in grade four, which 0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:06.760 left us with nothing. I've always been sensible with money, 0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:10.880 but normal. Then I married into a very wealthy family, 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:14.040 super yachts rich. My husband didn't want me to work, 0:02:14.080 --> 0:02:16.480 and I followed him and his career, and I got 0:02:16.520 --> 0:02:20.280 sucked in by all the shiny things. After I sold 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:24.160 my only asset, my home, I discovered over time he 0:02:24.320 --> 0:02:28.840 was conning people for money. We lived a very lavish life, 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:33.320 but other people were paying for it. I had no control, understanding, 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:36.440 or access to money. During our marriage. I had to 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:39.480 ask for money for petrol. We didn't even have a 0:02:39.560 --> 0:02:42.520 joint account. One day, when he was away for work, 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:45.680 I left my Porsche keys on the coffee table and 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:48.440 fled into State with our six month old baby with 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:52.120 no access to money. My story has been a wild ride, 0:02:52.160 --> 0:02:56.080 and I am now obsessed with getting back in front financially. 0:02:56.480 --> 0:03:00.720 I would love to be brave and shared the story, Diarist, 0:03:00.800 --> 0:03:03.480 What a privilege that you want to share it with me. 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:07.440 Thank you so much. That sounds so strange to hear 0:03:07.480 --> 0:03:08.640 that being read back to me. 0:03:09.040 --> 0:03:11.920 It's weird when it's vocalized, isn't it. Everyone says that 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:14.720 they're always like, oh my god, Like I'm pretty cool, 0:03:14.760 --> 0:03:19.720 an't I? It's true, though, I am so excited to 0:03:19.760 --> 0:03:22.200 ask so many perfect questions about this. But before we 0:03:22.240 --> 0:03:25.280 get their money, Diarist, what grade would you give your 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:27.480 money habits? From A through to F. 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:29.799 I'm going to say A C C. 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:32.320 All right, Well, now we get to learn more about 0:03:32.320 --> 0:03:35.480 that money, Diarist, Can you tell me a little bit 0:03:35.520 --> 0:03:37.200 more about your money story? 0:03:37.320 --> 0:03:41.640 I can so grew up in a very normal working 0:03:41.640 --> 0:03:46.400 class situation. I was definitely fed the message to put 0:03:46.440 --> 0:03:49.640 your head down, bump up work, buy a house as 0:03:49.680 --> 0:03:52.600 the first thing that you do and then live your life, 0:03:52.640 --> 0:03:56.480 and that was your main asset. It was very I guess, 0:03:56.760 --> 0:04:00.840 very standard, nothing too adventurous, but safe the message that 0:04:00.920 --> 0:04:05.440 I got. And I saw my mum do, and yeah, 0:04:05.480 --> 0:04:09.440 I think I was on track for that, and I yeah, 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:14.000 fell into a situation where I got a dazzled by 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:17.480 someone who I thought was smarter than me with money, 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:20.080 someone who I thought was way in front of me 0:04:20.279 --> 0:04:23.640 with money. And I got really impressed by that. 0:04:23.920 --> 0:04:27.200 Of course, like I would be too, even if like 0:04:27.240 --> 0:04:30.200 I'm friends with someone who's doing well, Like it's not 0:04:30.279 --> 0:04:33.200 just about them having lots of money. Usually if you 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:35.800 have lots of money, you probably have a business or 0:04:35.839 --> 0:04:39.920 you're like really tenacious or like really confident. Like it's 0:04:40.000 --> 0:04:43.440 not it's not just like, oh they have money, how attractive. 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:45.719 It's like all of the other stuff that comes along 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:48.240 with it. That's not just the stuff. It's like the 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:49.480 personality traits. 0:04:49.600 --> 0:04:52.400 Right, Ah, that is exactly right. I got impressed with 0:04:52.480 --> 0:04:55.479 the confidence, the vision, all of that. 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:58.279 We all want that though, Like you will impress me 0:04:58.320 --> 0:05:00.440 if you've got vision, you got confidence. I'm like, I'm 0:05:00.480 --> 0:05:02.640 on this journey with your baby, like we aren't even 0:05:02.640 --> 0:05:03.880 getting married. I just want to be a. 0:05:03.920 --> 0:05:08.200 Friend, Like, yeah, that's right. And I'd seen my mom struggle, 0:05:08.279 --> 0:05:11.000 like really struggle. I mean I remember coming home from 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:14.080 school every night on my own, you know, having to 0:05:14.120 --> 0:05:18.920 do like prep dinner. We didn't do lavish holidays. You know. 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:22.039 My mom just made ends meet, basically, And like I 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:24.800 said in my intro, I saw my mom lose a 0:05:24.800 --> 0:05:28.279 lot of money and everything when our house burnt down 0:05:28.279 --> 0:05:31.799 and having to start from scratch. I'm talking wearing hand 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:34.120 me down clothes to school and everything. 0:05:34.240 --> 0:05:35.800 That is a piece of the puzzle that I think 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:38.960 we have glossed over here. Your house got burned down 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:41.960 by your mum's at the time boyfriend. 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:46.680 Yes, so she'd ended the relationship and here he was 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:50.520 very jealous and controlling and we went away for a 0:05:50.560 --> 0:05:53.880 weekend and we weren't going twenty four hours in our 0:05:53.880 --> 0:05:57.200 house was burnt to the ground, she deliberately. Yeah. So 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:04.080 I think, yes, the history there of like the financial 0:06:04.200 --> 0:06:07.800 ups and downs is really strong for me. And also 0:06:08.080 --> 0:06:13.120 that kind of power and control dynamic going on. Yeah. 0:06:13.160 --> 0:06:15.839 So that's something that I've had to really face and 0:06:16.200 --> 0:06:21.240 kind of live with and kind of hopefully overcome. Yeah, 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:22.200 but that was rough. 0:06:22.040 --> 0:06:25.960 Because that's trauma. Like that's not just rough, that's serious. 0:06:26.000 --> 0:06:29.240 Trump is your mum? Okay, now my mom is. 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:32.320 Yeah. Like with that background that I said, it was 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:36.000 very sensible. You know, we didn't live outside our means 0:06:36.120 --> 0:06:38.839 or buy something if we couldn't afford it. That was 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:41.479 always the message that I got. So Mom didn't go 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:43.960 out and buy a brand new couch when her house 0:06:44.000 --> 0:06:47.200 got rebuilt. She waited. So we didn't have a couch 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:49.320 for a year, you know what I mean? So, or 0:06:49.360 --> 0:06:51.800 we had hand me downs and so when we got 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:53.680 that couch after a year, it was like the best 0:06:53.720 --> 0:06:56.800 thing ever. So I've taken those things into my life 0:06:56.839 --> 0:06:59.080 where we don't you know, I don't live outside my means, 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:01.280 and you know I say for things or I say 0:07:01.279 --> 0:07:03.159 no if I can't if it's not going to work 0:07:03.160 --> 0:07:05.880 for me financially to go away that weekend. 0:07:05.520 --> 0:07:08.279 Or yeah, totally. So you've grown up like most of us. 0:07:08.560 --> 0:07:11.800 And then how old were you? You met what you 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:14.720 thought was the man of your dreams? But how did 0:07:14.760 --> 0:07:17.520 that eventuate? Honestly? Like, I know this didn't work out 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:19.560 for you, but how do we meet someone who's super 0:07:19.640 --> 0:07:21.720 yacht rich, Like, how do we do that because like 0:07:21.960 --> 0:07:23.120 like key asking for a friend. 0:07:23.240 --> 0:07:28.160 Ah yeah, that's a point of contentious issue with myself 0:07:28.160 --> 0:07:30.680 and my best friend because she introduced us. 0:07:30.840 --> 0:07:32.320 Oh the audacity. 0:07:33.040 --> 0:07:33.680 She didn't know. 0:07:34.080 --> 0:07:37.400 Honestly, if I had a super yacht rich friend and 0:07:37.440 --> 0:07:40.600 then my friend was single, I'd be like, guys, I 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:42.760 have a match for you. 0:07:43.400 --> 0:07:46.560 Yeah. Yeah. She thought she was doing great thing. And honestly, 0:07:46.640 --> 0:07:48.280 I just went head over heels. You know, I was 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:51.200 swept off my feet. There was the full fairy tale scenario. 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:54.960 So I had just recently come out of a relationship 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:56.960 of six or seven years, and you know, I was 0:07:57.000 --> 0:07:59.440 grieving that. And it wasn't a bad breakup or anything. 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:02.480 We just I'd come to the end of our end 0:08:02.480 --> 0:08:04.560 of our time, and you know, I was in my 0:08:04.680 --> 0:08:07.120 mid thirties, and I just knew it wasn't the guy 0:08:07.160 --> 0:08:08.720 that I was going to have, you know, get married 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:11.360 to and have children with. So we ended it. And 0:08:11.400 --> 0:08:14.080 then it wasn't only six months later that this other 0:08:14.280 --> 0:08:16.920 person came into my life, and you know, I was 0:08:16.920 --> 0:08:19.800 still grieving and feeling that loneliness that you feel post 0:08:19.800 --> 0:08:21.920 break up and questioning your life and what's going to 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:24.240 happen and I'm not going to have children and all this. 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:25.720 Time, I'm going to be single forever. 0:08:26.600 --> 0:08:26.880 Yeah. 0:08:26.920 --> 0:08:29.200 I literally thought I'm going to be single forever. And 0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:33.680 then I met this guy and it was like lavishness 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:37.840 from the start, you know, dinners flying here, flying there. 0:08:38.120 --> 0:08:40.280 So you got completely love Bob. 0:08:40.400 --> 0:08:45.800 Oh. Yeah, who doesn't like having huge bouquets of flowers, 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:47.240 you know, turning up at their office. 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:49.520 I'm not going to lie, like I get that, Like 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:51.680 I'm just a girl at the end of the day. 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:54.160 Like that sounds fun. Like I wish I'd been more 0:08:54.200 --> 0:08:56.000 adventurous in my dating years, you know. 0:08:57.720 --> 0:08:59.920 And I think I saw my mom go through such 0:09:00.120 --> 0:09:04.720 struggle and I became, you know, so hyper independent. You know, 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:07.120 I just built my own house. Like I was so 0:09:07.240 --> 0:09:10.880 independent that I think for there was a time I went, 0:09:10.920 --> 0:09:13.839 oh my god, I don't have to be here's someone 0:09:13.880 --> 0:09:15.800 saying you don't have to work, you don't have to 0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:17.600 do this, you can have whatever you and I went, 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:19.600 oh my god. What It was almost like a relief. 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:22.760 I went, wow, you know, maybe this is so nice. 0:09:23.240 --> 0:09:26.640 Yeah yeah, yeah. So but what I didn't do was 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:31.520 really evaluate the situation and kind of see those red. 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:35.720 Fogs tinted glasses on, and when you see red flags 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:38.360 through rose tinted glasses, they look pink. 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:42.840 Oh yeah, so the red flags are it? You know? 0:09:42.880 --> 0:09:44.560 And I will say this to anyone that's listening. The 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:47.199 red flags are there from the start, but we. 0:09:47.120 --> 0:09:49.440 Don't want to look at them and like, oh, like 0:09:49.880 --> 0:09:52.240 red flags are so easy to look past. When you 0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:54.240 get a really big bunch of flowers, you're like, oh, 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:56.840 clearly he didn't mean that. Like, don't get me wrong, 0:09:56.920 --> 0:09:59.760 I'm not endorsing that because we don't want that to happen. 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:03.040 Like you're sharing your story obviously for a number of reasons, 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:04.640 but one of them would be because you don't want 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:08.000 this to happen to somebody else's right. I also don't 0:10:08.000 --> 0:10:10.839 want people to feel shamed that they went through it. 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:12.800 And I'm sure that you went through that period of 0:10:12.800 --> 0:10:14.760 time and you'd be like, oh my god, I'm so embarrassed, 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:18.000 Like these red flags were here the whole time. No, 0:10:18.240 --> 0:10:22.640 Like we are innately emotional human beings. We can we 0:10:22.679 --> 0:10:25.320 can maybe look past a red flag if it feels good. 0:10:25.720 --> 0:10:29.679 Absolutely, I still feel like, how how how did I 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:33.480 not act on that? Or how did I let that go. 0:10:33.800 --> 0:10:36.320 I mean, I would never again, but yes, I mean 0:10:36.360 --> 0:10:38.560 I'd also come out of a relationship with a really 0:10:38.640 --> 0:10:39.559 nice person. 0:10:39.400 --> 0:10:41.280 So you just don't expect it. 0:10:41.480 --> 0:10:44.400 Yeah, I didn't expect it, but it's amazing how quickly 0:10:44.440 --> 0:10:47.080 I lost my footing. You know, within six months, I 0:10:47.200 --> 0:10:49.640 wasn't working, Like I'm the person that's always had two 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:52.280 jobs and all the things. But next minute I was, 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:56.880 you know, overseas following his business ventures, and I wasn't working. 0:10:57.000 --> 0:11:00.240 And it is insane. How if you don't, I don't 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:04.079 have money coming in of your own, how quickly that 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:07.679 starts to destabilize you and make you feel wobbly, And 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:11.679 the power dynamic shifts almost instantly. And even though I 0:11:11.760 --> 0:11:14.240 was reassured by him that you know, this was going 0:11:14.320 --> 0:11:16.200 to be like an easy thing and he was going 0:11:16.240 --> 0:11:17.720 to look after me and I didn't have anything to 0:11:17.760 --> 0:11:21.440 worry about, et cetera, et cetera, that I was instantly changed. 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:21.840 Yeah. 0:11:21.840 --> 0:11:24.360 Wow, he I'd flown across the world and you know, 0:11:24.640 --> 0:11:27.600 had committed to going overseas for this year period which 0:11:27.800 --> 0:11:30.520 ended up being two years, and I didn't work, And 0:11:30.559 --> 0:11:35.800 so I found myself feeling very much the power dynamic 0:11:36.280 --> 0:11:38.320 me being at the bottom and him being at the top. 0:11:38.520 --> 0:11:44.000 And it wasn't a good situation because I didn't get 0:11:44.120 --> 0:11:47.000 an idea of money with us, Like, I didn't know 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:50.080 where money was coming in from. I didn't have any 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:53.120 clue as to the financial situation. I was given a 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:55.640 little bit of money every day and I'd go out 0:11:55.640 --> 0:11:57.960 and buy the groceries and you know, do my thing, 0:11:58.040 --> 0:12:02.520 and I just, yeah, that was the beginning of being 0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:07.360 incredibly disempowered around money and falling into a situation where 0:12:07.400 --> 0:12:10.800 my self esteem got really affected by it, and it 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:11.640 just continued. 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:15.400 Then yeah, wow, so you met this guy. He swept 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:19.720 you off your feet literally and figuratively. You're not working 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:23.319 six months in Like, honestly, this could have worked out 0:12:23.360 --> 0:12:26.000 so well if he wasn't who he was and he 0:12:26.120 --> 0:12:28.320 wasn't like, it could have been a dream life. And 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:31.480 that's exactly what you were anticipating. Someone once said to 0:12:31.480 --> 0:12:35.439 me that the reason you didn't see the red flags 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:38.280 was because you would never operate in the same way, 0:12:38.400 --> 0:12:40.360 so you didn't know what you were looking for. If 0:12:40.440 --> 0:12:43.640 you just saw it, and if you had bought a 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:46.320 really big bouquet of flowers for somebody, it would have 0:12:46.360 --> 0:12:48.439 been from a place of love, and you would have 0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:52.360 assumed that that's what everybody does, right, Like, if you 0:12:52.400 --> 0:12:54.280 want to buy me flowers, it would be coming from 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:57.240 a great place because if it was reciprocal, that's how 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:00.680 I would have meant it. So you're not thinking that, honestly, 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:03.920 the strategy and the thought process and what love bombing is, 0:13:03.960 --> 0:13:07.680 because you're just like, oh, that's so nice, Like I 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:10.880 wish I'd thought of that. And I think that that's 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:13.040 something you need to remember because so many people in 0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:17.080 situations like this, they blame themselves. And it's like, don't 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:21.080 blame yourself. In fact, reward yourself because you're such a 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:23.720 good person that that wouldn't have even been a part 0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:27.280 of your thought process to do something like that, And 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:30.319 that's why it swept you off your feet, Like that's 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:32.320 why it was so easy for them to do to you. 0:13:32.520 --> 0:13:34.440 I know, talk about sitting dark. I mean, if I 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:37.160 owed someone fifty dollars and forgot to pay, I'd feel 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:39.800 really bad about that, you know, And I, like I said, 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:41.560 I'd always lived in my means, so I didn't know. 0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:45.559 I didn't have experience with people living outside of their 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:49.400 means to such an extent either so or you know, 0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:55.240 being murky around money, because my family was very just straightforward. Yeah. 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:57.240 So then when we came back. 0:13:57.160 --> 0:13:59.439 So you've been away for two years, you came back 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:00.760 and then did you get married? 0:14:01.040 --> 0:14:06.520 Yes? Great, got married? Had the two hundred odd thousand 0:14:06.600 --> 0:14:07.200 dollar wedding. 0:14:07.400 --> 0:14:11.200 Geez, Louise, what's a two hundred thousand dollar wedding buy 0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:12.320 you lots of stuff? 0:14:12.559 --> 0:14:16.040 No? But this is how extreme it was. So my 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:20.200 wedding dress, you would think for a two hundred thousand 0:14:20.240 --> 0:14:24.480 dollar wedding would be what like a what I think 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:26.520 it was two hundred and fifty dollars? Excuse me? Like 0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:29.920 I didn't have money to buy a wedding dress. I didn't. 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:32.240 Wait what that wasn't part of How do you have 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:34.760 a two hundred thousand dollar wedding and then the bride 0:14:34.800 --> 0:14:36.280 doesn't have access to cash? 0:14:36.360 --> 0:14:39.120 I know, I know, I can't, Like I'm saying it now, 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:41.880 like a how I didn't have an f postcard that 0:14:41.960 --> 0:14:42.640 had money on it? 0:14:42.720 --> 0:14:45.400 I didn't, And like that makes sense, but like how 0:14:45.480 --> 0:14:48.000 was this guy that you married paying for stuff? And 0:14:48.040 --> 0:14:50.320 did you ever say, oh, can I have money for 0:14:50.400 --> 0:14:53.040 a wedding dress? Or is that in budget, Like how 0:14:53.080 --> 0:14:56.640 do these conversations eventuate. I'm just being pervy. I wouldn't 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:58.360 be allowed to ask this if it was just two 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:00.920 friends at brunch, but like we're on money podcast, I'm 0:15:00.960 --> 0:15:01.800 meant to ask this. 0:15:02.160 --> 0:15:06.360 I want to share this because I think money plays 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:10.280 such a big part in women's health and sense of 0:15:10.360 --> 0:15:15.760 safety and sense of everything, security options. And I think 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:18.840 by the time I got back from overseas, I was 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:23.400 so wobbly, and I didn't have that income for the 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:27.560 last two years, and yeah, so I felt like I 0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:31.440 couldn't ask him anything about money because I would be 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:35.040 dismissed or made to feel that I wouldn't get it, 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:37.640 you know, or like I think I was called simple 0:15:37.680 --> 0:15:42.120 minded a few times, just like constantly put down so 0:15:42.280 --> 0:15:44.680 that I, you know, as if I wouldn't get the 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:47.200 big vision or wouldn't get the picture because that's not 0:15:47.440 --> 0:15:51.120 my background. And so I think my self esteem was 0:15:51.160 --> 0:15:54.360 so low that I felt like I couldn't ask for 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:57.080 those things, so I didn't. I just kind of plodded 0:15:57.120 --> 0:15:59.000 along on my own, doing my own thing, and as 0:15:59.080 --> 0:16:02.320 a result, antic lavish wedding, like I went and bought 0:16:02.320 --> 0:16:04.240 a two hundred and fifty dollar dress, which looked pretty 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:07.360 cool actually, but you like, I still have style. 0:16:07.600 --> 0:16:12.080 Come on, but I remember borrowing, like I remember. 0:16:11.800 --> 0:16:14.160 My brother paying for like a flower for my hair, 0:16:14.320 --> 0:16:18.400 And yeah, it was really really confronting. But everyone at 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:23.160 that wedding thought that I had the most amazing life 0:16:23.320 --> 0:16:26.800 and that this was all like, you know, no one knew. 0:16:26.840 --> 0:16:29.320 I didn't tell anyone this stuff. I was so ashamed. 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:33.720 Yeah, and like that makes sense. So you've married this guy, 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:36.000 will we on a honeymoon? 0:16:36.120 --> 0:16:36.200 Like? 0:16:36.240 --> 0:16:37.800 What did we do? What do you do after a 0:16:37.800 --> 0:16:39.080 two hundred thousand dollar wedding? 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:42.400 Didn't do a honeymoon? At that point, I think we 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:45.360 had just built a house in a very I guess 0:16:45.360 --> 0:16:49.440 you would say blue chip area, and then so we 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:51.840 moved into that and we hadn't even been in that 0:16:52.240 --> 0:16:55.000 for a few weeks when said person came home and said, 0:16:55.040 --> 0:16:57.400 I've sold the house and all the furniture in it, 0:16:57.440 --> 0:17:00.320 so you need to move out. So like this house 0:17:00.320 --> 0:17:03.000 I would physically built was then sold. Like I didn't 0:17:03.040 --> 0:17:05.800 have any decisions. I was not involved in one decision 0:17:05.920 --> 0:17:07.480 to do with money in our relationship. 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:10.320 Never once was there any conversation about why he'd sold 0:17:10.359 --> 0:17:11.879 the house. And all your furniture. 0:17:12.160 --> 0:17:15.240 No, no, so there's just so much murkiness. So he 0:17:16.040 --> 0:17:18.480 I know. So then next minute we moved out of that, and. 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:20.640 That would have actually spiraled me because like I would 0:17:20.680 --> 0:17:24.560 have felt so insecure and so untrusted and so like, 0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:28.600 you know, my feelings aren't being considered. But I'm assuming 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:31.520 after having that for a few years, you don't even 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:33.720 feel like you can vocalize that, and you probably haven't 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:36.840 even thought, oh, I'm being disrespected here. You're just like, 0:17:36.920 --> 0:17:39.639 oh my god, I'm so dumb, Like why don't I 0:17:39.720 --> 0:17:42.640 understand this? So what did you do? Where did you move? 0:17:42.920 --> 0:17:46.399 I was crippled with shame over it, and I've faked 0:17:46.400 --> 0:17:47.200 it to everybody. 0:17:47.320 --> 0:17:49.359 You were like, yeah, we're moving, yay. 0:17:50.000 --> 0:17:53.119 Yeah, I was driving this luxury car and you know. 0:17:53.400 --> 0:17:56.200 But the ironic thing was he would work away a lot. 0:17:56.280 --> 0:17:59.320 So when he worked away, I'd be like scrambling trying 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:01.520 to live off forty dollars a day, and then when 0:18:01.560 --> 0:18:04.080 he'd come home, we'd be at the best restaurants and 0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:06.560 buying the most expensive wine like that. I had like 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:07.880 two lives. 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:09.399 The idea that this man didn't even just give you 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:10.720 a credit card, like. 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:13.520 What I had no credit card. No, no, I had 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:16.119 a card that had his name on it that I 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:18.639 would have to ask on a daily basis to top up. 0:18:18.680 --> 0:18:20.359 And I'd be like, get one hundred dollars or fifty 0:18:20.359 --> 0:18:22.720 dollars or whatever. So yeah, I'd be at the pedro 0:18:22.800 --> 0:18:24.760 station not knowing whether I could put money in my 0:18:24.960 --> 0:18:26.560 car because it would bounce and I'd have to call 0:18:26.560 --> 0:18:28.240 and say, can you put money on the car? Like 0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:30.159 it was horrible. 0:18:30.280 --> 0:18:33.679 It's financial control. Like that is domestic Yeah, violence, Like 0:18:33.720 --> 0:18:36.280 at the end of the day, that is abuse. Was 0:18:36.280 --> 0:18:39.679 that his intention? Like obviously, like you know, I'm not 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:41.199 trying to see the good in this because like you 0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:43.080 and I both know exactly what this is. This is 0:18:43.119 --> 0:18:46.200 domestic violence. But do you think at the time he thought, right, 0:18:46.240 --> 0:18:48.400 we're like on a strict budget, this is what we're doing. 0:18:48.920 --> 0:18:50.760 Or was it coercive control? 0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:53.879 It was coercive control because I was never allowed to 0:18:53.880 --> 0:18:55.760 bring it up or have a conversation about it. So 0:18:55.840 --> 0:18:57.720 I think if there was a conversation where he went, 0:18:57.760 --> 0:18:59.840 you know what we're actually you know, we're in the 0:18:59.840 --> 0:19:02.040 shit here. I've over committed with this job and this 0:19:02.240 --> 0:19:04.119 and rah rah, and can we try and live off. 0:19:04.440 --> 0:19:06.919 Yeah, like we're a couple, we're in this together. 0:19:07.240 --> 0:19:10.240 Yeah, can we do XYZ this next couple of months 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:12.879 and blah blah blah. But it was so like his 0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:17.000 lifestyle versus my lifestyle were wildly different. You know, sometimes 0:19:17.000 --> 0:19:18.560 I think, why didn't I just go and get a job. 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:21.880 But there were times when I had a job opportunity, 0:19:21.960 --> 0:19:25.000 and you know, but he want me to work because. 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:27.359 Then you get your power back, and we don't want that. 0:19:27.720 --> 0:19:30.040 If I wasn't working, then I was flexible to fit 0:19:30.080 --> 0:19:33.639 in with his kind of chaotic lifestyle. As soon as 0:19:33.680 --> 0:19:36.159 I was grounded into a place of work, then it 0:19:36.240 --> 0:19:38.440 was never going to suit that situation. 0:19:39.119 --> 0:19:39.520 Wow. 0:19:39.880 --> 0:19:42.480 Yeah, So but the wheels were falling off for me mentally, 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:45.280 and my friends and family were picking up on a 0:19:45.280 --> 0:19:48.199 little bit quite a lot. Yeah, so there was some 0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:50.920 icing on the cake. We had a trade e vandalizer 0:19:51.040 --> 0:19:54.520 house because he didn't get paid. I had people ringing 0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:58.280 me for the money that was owed when we were 0:19:58.320 --> 0:20:01.639