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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now attribute the best possible motives to your partner. They're

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Speaker 2: not trying to ruin your life.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm just trying to have balance

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Speaker 3: in my life, catch some waves when they're around, and

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Speaker 3: get all the work done that I've got overwhelming me.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy

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Speaker 3: family dot com dot are you, and the parenting expert

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Speaker 3: on Channel Line's Parental Guidance Recovering from Father's Day. I

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Speaker 3: love Father's Day. I've decided I love Father's Day. I

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Speaker 3: reckon this week the kids did a better job of

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Speaker 3: being nice to each other and keeping the house in

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Speaker 3: order and just making it a great day than they've

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Speaker 3: ever done before.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I'm wondering if it has more to do with

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Speaker 2: the fact that we've been more conscious about our routines

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Speaker 2: instructures than it did with Father's Day.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we are working hard on the whole family thing.

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Speaker 3: I reckon it's got to do with the fact that

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Speaker 3: they're getting older and they're being nicer to each other

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Speaker 3: because it's like self regulation. They're just they're bigger, do

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Speaker 3: you know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: Bigger isn't always better, but in this case, it just maybe.

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Speaker 4: Well.

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Speaker 3: We hope that you and your family had a wonderful

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Speaker 3: Father's Day. We get heaps of feedback on the Happy

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Speaker 3: Families podcast podcasts at happy families dot com dot I

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Speaker 3: you as the email address, and we really appreciate that

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Speaker 3: you take the time to reach out and ask us questions.

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Speaker 4: Drop us notes.

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Speaker 2: One of the most requested topics we get asked about

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Speaker 2: is how to make that couple relationships stronger. You know,

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Speaker 2: when you have bumps along the road, how do you

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Speaker 2: navigate that to create stronger relationships?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and the strength of the relationship between parents is

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Speaker 3: so important for the strength of the family. We wanted

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Speaker 3: to share an example with you of how we recently

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Speaker 3: dealt with a bump in our road.

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Speaker 2: So last week you had a particularly busy week, as

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Speaker 2: did I. I was involved in some significant volunteer work

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Speaker 2: which kept me extremely busy, and you were traveling like

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Speaker 2: pretty much. You haven't had to travel like this for

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Speaker 2: a long time, and so you were out of the

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Speaker 2: house a lot. You were out at night and gone.

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Speaker 2: We were having dinner without you pretty much every night

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Speaker 2: of the week, and the only night you were home

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Speaker 2: I wasn't.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, can I name drop for a sec. Some big

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Speaker 3: schools have had me in and also some organizations. I've

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Speaker 3: been working with Anglican Church Grammar and Brisbane, with Clayfield

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Speaker 3: College in Brisbane, with Ivanhoe Girls Grammar Dad in Melbourne,

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Speaker 3: giving talks for parents and for staff to tell people

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Speaker 3: be happier, help relationships be better.

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Speaker 4: So that's what I've been doing. Good work.

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Speaker 3: It's not like I've been absconding from my parental and

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Speaker 3: husbandly duties, not that I said.

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Speaker 4: That, no, no, no, you didn't.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So really busy time for both of us, and

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Speaker 3: we're passing one another like ships in the night.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. And then on top of that, it just happens

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Speaker 2: that after weeks and weeks of wanting to go surfing

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Speaker 2: and the surf being absolutely flat, this week it was

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Speaker 2: pumping and you just wanted to get out there and

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Speaker 2: enjoy it, which I love. I love that you have

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Speaker 2: an outlet and that you know you've made some new

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Speaker 2: friends up here and you're able to spend some time

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Speaker 2: with them in the water. I think it's awesome. The

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Speaker 2: problem comes when we combine the fact that you're not

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Speaker 2: home at night and then you leave first thing in

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Speaker 2: the morning, which means that you and I actually don't

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Speaker 2: even get to have any pillow talk, any conversations that

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Speaker 2: might happen without children around, or other stuff that might

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Speaker 2: happen with out children around as well. So I had

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Speaker 2: a conversation with you, and I just wanted to kind

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Speaker 2: of get an idea of what the next day was

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Speaker 2: going to look like. We had literally not spent any

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Speaker 2: time together. We'd had lots of phone calls, but no

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Speaker 2: physical kind of conversation together. So I was hoping that

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Speaker 2: at least we might get some pillow talk in the

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Speaker 2: morning before the day started. But you announced that the

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Speaker 2: boys had decided that the surf was good enough to

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Speaker 2: go out again, and you wanted to go with them,

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Speaker 2: and I, well.

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Speaker 3: It's not that I wanted to committed to without thinking

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Speaker 3: this making me look really bad.

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Speaker 2: Okay, you committed, that's fine, and so I then kind

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Speaker 2: of just laid out what the next few days looked like,

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Speaker 2: and the fact that I was going to be out

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Speaker 2: the next night, and then we had family over for

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Speaker 2: dinner the following night, and our weekend would just be disappearing,

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Speaker 2: and again we'd find ourselves in the same position. And

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Speaker 2: you acknowledged at that point that it was really.

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Speaker 4: Tough, and I figured we understood each other.

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Speaker 3: We're both having a hard time. We haven't seen each

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Speaker 3: other much, there's a lot going on. Sometimes life's busy

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Speaker 3: like that. I get it, it's hard.

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Speaker 2: I assumed, based on the way you responded, is that

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Speaker 2: you would think about the conversation that we'd had and

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Speaker 2: that come the morning, you would actually surprise me by

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Speaker 2: turning your alarm off and just staying in bed with me.

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Speaker 2: I didn't, but that's not how it happened, and so

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Speaker 2: I was just feeling really really let down. You tried

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Speaker 2: to give me a cuddle before you left, and I

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Speaker 2: just I couldn't understand after how blissit I'd been on

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Speaker 2: the phone the day before about how lacking in time

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Speaker 2: we'd had, that you would be making the decision you

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Speaker 2: were making, but nevertheless you did.

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Speaker 4: I'm not a mind reader. I thought that we just

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Speaker 4: understood each other. It's hard. I didn't know.

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Speaker 3: You didn't explicitly say can you not serf tomorrow? So

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Speaker 3: I thought it was okay that I was surfing. Like

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Speaker 3: I said, this is a revelation.

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Speaker 4: Carry on.

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Speaker 2: So by the time you got home, I was really

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Speaker 2: really upset, and you felt it. You tried to connect

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Speaker 2: with me, You tried to have conversations with me, you

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Speaker 2: tried to have a cuddle with me, and I was

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Speaker 2: just not into it. I just was busy doing what

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Speaker 2: I needed to do, and I didn't want to have

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Speaker 2: a bar of you. Until finally you recognized that this

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Speaker 2: was not going to go away in a hurry. So

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Speaker 2: you close the door behind us, and you said, we

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Speaker 2: need to sit down, we need to have a talk. Yes,

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Speaker 2: And at that point you were able to take a

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Speaker 2: step back and recognize what you thought may have been

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Speaker 2: the problem, and so you articulated that to me. You

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Speaker 2: said that you recognized that I was feeling pretty up

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Speaker 2: upset about things, and as you'd thought about it, you

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Speaker 2: could recognize that maybe going for a surf this morning,

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Speaker 2: considering the week we'd had, was not the best choice

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Speaker 2: you could have made, and that it had left me

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Speaker 2: feeling isolated, unheard, and a little bit unloved, and that

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Speaker 2: you really wanted to be better for me. In the

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Speaker 2: process of that, I recognized that while that was part

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Speaker 2: of it, what actually upset me was that I felt

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Speaker 2: like I had had a conversation with you the day

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Speaker 2: before and had highlighted all of those things, and why

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Speaker 2: going for a surf the next morning wasn't actually the

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Speaker 2: best idea for our relationship, and that you had completely

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Speaker 2: ignored my plea for time together.

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Speaker 3: So after the break, we're going to talk about, apparently,

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Speaker 3: how this is going to help people to have better relationships.

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Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 3: Our boys are struggling with friends, mental health, alcohol, drugs, pornography, emotions,

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Speaker 3: and so much more. But science tells us that the

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Speaker 3: most important thing for your son's well being is his

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Speaker 3: connection with you. The Bringing Up Boys Summit is about

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Speaker 3: one thing, taking you into your son's world and helping

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Speaker 3: you connect with him in the way he needs you.

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Speaker 3: To find out more on the Happy Family's webshop and

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Speaker 3: start connecting with your son today.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, And we've just

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Speaker 2: laid it out on the table, honey.

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Speaker 3: So how do we take this scenario and help people

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Speaker 3: to have better relationships? I mean, this is the request

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Speaker 3: that we get a lot, and you've selected this is

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Speaker 3: a scenario where people can learn what to do. Is

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Speaker 3: it just when your wife says to you, I miss

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Speaker 3: you don't go surfing the next day? Or is it

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Speaker 3: about the conversation that we had, Like did the conversation

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Speaker 3: save the day? How do you want to unpack this

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Speaker 3: and what are the take home messages that can help

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Speaker 3: people to navigate that. There's such a generic, boring in

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Speaker 3: some ways everyday scenario where people misread one another and

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Speaker 3: get it wrong, and it could have blown up. It

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Speaker 3: could have turned into a three day stone walling, I'm

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Speaker 3: not talking to you, you don't pay attention to me situation.

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Speaker 4: But it didn't.

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Speaker 2: Definitely, And I think one of the reasons I wanted

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Speaker 2: to pick it is, like you said, it is just

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Speaker 2: a generic, everyday occurrence. We're not perfect, and these scenarios

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Speaker 2: happen in all kinds of relationships, not just our intimate other.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so where do we take this then? How do

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Speaker 3: you want to unpack it? And what lessons are there?

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Speaker 2: I thought you were the expert, right, Okay.

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Speaker 4: All right, That's not what I was expecting you to

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Speaker 4: say either. So there's a.

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Speaker 2: Couple of things that stand out to me. Sure, So,

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Speaker 2: over the years our relationship has developed and strengthened, and

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Speaker 2: our level of communication has improved out of sight. I

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Speaker 2: have come from a family where we didn't talk about problems,

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Speaker 2: and if we did, it didn't it wasn't pretty at all.

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Speaker 2: And you are a really big communicator, and so that

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Speaker 2: has been a challenge for me over the years. Getting

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Speaker 2: to a point where you have become a lot more

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Speaker 2: articulate about what you are noticing in me has been

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Speaker 2: really really powerful. Right, you haven't tried.

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Speaker 4: To fix me or fixed the situation.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you're not trying to fix me or the situation,

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Speaker 2: but you're also taking full responsibility for the part that

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Speaker 2: you play in it, regardless of whether I am able

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Speaker 2: to take responsibility for me.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So, if I was to wind this back a

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Speaker 3: little bits, here's what I'm going to pull out of

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Speaker 3: it as lessons based on what you've just said.

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Speaker 4: First off, I blew it.

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Speaker 3: I heard what you were saying, and I even empathized

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Speaker 3: and understood what you were saying. But I didn't perceive

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Speaker 3: the opportunity to take action, or at least I didn't

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Speaker 3: prioritize the action that was necessary. I knew that you

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Speaker 3: wanted me to stay with you, but I've made a

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Speaker 3: commitment to the guys. The surf was supposed to be pumping,

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Speaker 3: and that's kind of where my head. I was tunnel vision,

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Speaker 3: one track mind, that's where I'm going.

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Speaker 2: And that's what happens in in real life.

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Speaker 4: Of course. Yeah, we've got our own agendas.

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Speaker 2: Own agendas, and we become one tracked mine because in

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Speaker 2: my mind, you had nearly eighteen twenty hours of notice

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Speaker 2: to be able to let the boys down it.

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Speaker 4: I can't make it.

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Speaker 2: You were texting them twenty minutes before you were supposed

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Speaker 2: to be meeting them. I had had a conversation with

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Speaker 2: you which would allow you to have done that. But again,

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Speaker 2: it's that a gender driven.

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Speaker 4: And we get televisional mentality.

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Speaker 3: I'm going this way, this is what I'm doing, and

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Speaker 3: wives do it, husbands do it, parents do it, kids

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Speaker 3: do we all. It's just a human tendency. But what

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Speaker 3: this also highlights is that when there's a rupture in

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Speaker 3: the relationship, we need to repair it. And so when

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Speaker 3: I came home from the surf, you were cranky at me,

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Speaker 3: and you're saying I didn't try to fix you. I

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Speaker 3: didn't try to diminish or devalue your emotions. I didn't

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Speaker 3: tell you to get over it. I didn't say, well, what,

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Speaker 3: I'm just not allowed to have a surf. I didn't

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Speaker 3: get defensive. What I did instead was I literally said,

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Speaker 3: I totally get why you feel the way you feel,

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Speaker 3: and I overstepped. I got this wrong as a total

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Speaker 3: misread on my part, and I shouldn't have done what

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Speaker 3: I did. But that's only part of it. What you're

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Speaker 3: also saying is I didn't tell you that you weren't

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Speaker 3: okay for feeling it, or demand that you forgive me.

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Speaker 3: What I did and said was say, you're feeling hurt,

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Speaker 3: you're feeling like we're not getting time together, and you're

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Speaker 3: feeling like I'm getting my priorities all wrong.

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Speaker 2: Well, what I loved about it was that you recognize

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Speaker 2: that I didn't. Inherently. I wasn't saying you were a

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Speaker 2: bad person. The hurt that I had was because I

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Speaker 2: miss being with you. Yeah, and so often that is

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Speaker 2: actually the underlying issue. We're not getting the connection time

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Speaker 2: that we want together, but it comes out in a

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Speaker 2: form of anger or frustration instead of actually just the

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Speaker 2: deep sadness that that connection is not there.

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Speaker 3: And again, this is a perfect scenario because so many

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Speaker 3: couples would go through exactly this kind of thing. And

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Speaker 3: I love the way that you've highlighted it comes out

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Speaker 3: as anger, because anger as a secondary emotion. We've talked

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Speaker 3: about this on the podcast many times, and it comes

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Speaker 3: from another emotion. In this case, it's loneliness or sadness.

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Speaker 3: It's a desire to be connected, to be seen, hurt

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Speaker 3: and valued, and that's just not there. But the other

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Speaker 3: thing that I'm taking from the way you've deconstructed the

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Speaker 3: scenario was that as I spoke to you, I didn't

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Speaker 3: try to promise I'll never do it again, or I'm

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Speaker 3: going to make it all better because i won't go

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Speaker 3: to work today and I'll stay home with you. I

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Speaker 3: didn't do any of those things. And I didn't tell

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Speaker 3: you were wrong for feeling it. I just said, here's

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Speaker 3: why I did that was wrong. I get why you're

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Speaker 3: feeling the way that you're feeling.

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Speaker 4: I'm really sorry. Is that about it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I didn't try to fix you, didn't try to change

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Speaker 3: the situation, just let it be. But I acknowledged it, yeah, totally,

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Speaker 3: And how does how does that work? I mean, even

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Speaker 3: as I'm saying this out loud, I'm wondering was there more?

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Speaker 3: I'm kind of feeling like that's a little bit empty,

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Speaker 3: Like did I not do anything groundbreaking or revolutionary or

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Speaker 3: relationship saving?

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Speaker 2: No? But that's the crazy thing. We think that we've

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Speaker 2: got to do these amazing, you know, superhero efforts to

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Speaker 2: have these beautiful relationships, But it's actually the mundane, everyday

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Speaker 2: attempts at those bids for connection that make all the difference.

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Speaker 3: I didn't even stop for flowers. You didn't saved all

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Speaker 3: that money just by being with you.

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Speaker 2: But one of the biggest things I think that I

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Speaker 2: have come to recognize in the strength of our relationship

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Speaker 2: is being able to own our own stuff.

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Speaker 4: Right right. I can't make you mad, You've got to

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Speaker 4: choose to be mad.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And so, in spite of the fact that you

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Speaker 2: knew I was upset, you recognize the part you played

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Speaker 2: in it. But you only carried your part. You didn't

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Speaker 2: take on my part. There's a part if me, the

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Speaker 2: part where I wasn't willing to meet you. I was angry,

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Speaker 2: and I was actually turning away from you as a

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Speaker 2: result of that. Anger, that's not yours, that's mine, that's

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Speaker 2: mine to own, and so being able to come to

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Speaker 2: the party and recognize that this is that there's a

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Speaker 2: two way connection happening here and each of us play

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Speaker 2: a part in it, and being able to take responsibility

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Speaker 2: for the part you play.

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Speaker 3: So the take home message as we wrap this podcast up,

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Speaker 3: if you want to have a stronger relationship, and there's

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Speaker 3: been friction, there's been conflict, there's been a misalignment of

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Speaker 3: priorities in whatever way that may play out for you

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Speaker 3: and your family, what are the key points that we

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Speaker 3: want to pull out of this whole podcast?

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Speaker 4: The absolute take home message.

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Speaker 2: Number one, ye own your own stuff, take responsibility for

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Speaker 2: the part you play, and apologize.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so and that goes both ways, right, you had

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Speaker 3: to own your stuff as much as I had to

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Speaker 3: own mine. That's right, and you haven't yet apologized.

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Speaker 2: I'm sorry.

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Speaker 4: What's number two?

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Speaker 2: Attribute the best possible motives to your partner. They're not

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Speaker 2: trying to ruin your life.

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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I mean, I'm just trying to have balance

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Speaker 3: in my life, catch some waves when they're around, and

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Speaker 3: get all the work done that I've got overwhelming me.

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Speaker 3: And also I mean, I thought we were connecting on

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Speaker 3: the phone, but I had the best possible motives. It's

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Speaker 3: just that I didn't really recognize that priorities needed to shift.

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Speaker 2: What's number three and the last one. Make sure your

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Speaker 2: expectations are clear and that you've set boundaries.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, this is really important because otherwise you end up

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Speaker 3: with a husband who consistently thinks that it's okay to

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Speaker 3: go surfing and neglect you in the mornings when you

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Speaker 3: really just want to have some time for connection. And

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Speaker 3: so by owning your own stuff and having those conversations,

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Speaker 3: you get to make sure that you're holding the line

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Speaker 3: on boundaries that matter to you.

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Speaker 2: And I guess articulating precisely what you want, precisely what

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Speaker 2: you want. So in that situation, what I should have

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Speaker 2: done is based on the week we've had and the

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Speaker 2: weekend that we are going to have. Would you mind

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Speaker 2: giving up surfing tomorrow morning so that we can have

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Speaker 2: time in bed.

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Speaker 3: Can you send a text to the guys and say

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Speaker 3: you need some family time?

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Speaker 2: Okay, watch out next week.

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Speaker 4: You should know that there's no surf on the forecast

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Speaker 4: for a while. You're safe.

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Speaker 3: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhland for

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Speaker 3: Bridge Media with Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For

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Speaker 3: more information about making your family happier, please join us

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Speaker 3: at Happy Families dot com TODA