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Speaker 1: I would like to acknowledge the traditional owners of the

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Speaker 1: land on which this episode is being recorded, the Combomb

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Speaker 1: Merry people. They've been having conversations and telling stories on

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Speaker 1: this land for thousands of years, and we show our

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Speaker 1: gratitude and respect for their contribution to our environment and culture.

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Speaker 1: This is Rise and Conquer, the podcast where we strive

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Speaker 1: to become the highest version of ourselves through curious conversations,

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Speaker 1: healthy mindsets, laughter, connection, and a deep desire to evolve.

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Speaker 1: I'm your host, Georgie Stevenson. Join me as we explore parenthood, business, manifestation,

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Speaker 1: and so much more. It's positive, it's practical, and it's

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Speaker 1: about putting you in the driver's seat of your own life.

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Speaker 1: Are you ready? Welcome back to Season seven of the

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Speaker 1: Rise and Conker Podcast. Today's guest is the incredible Jessica Ella,

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Speaker 1: a woman's healing expert, speaker, podcast hosts, and founder of

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Speaker 1: the transformational Aurorca healing modality. Jessica's story is one of

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Speaker 1: radical reclaim after surviving a childhood filled with deep trauma,

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Speaker 1: including child abuse and sexual assault. I just do want

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Speaker 1: to give a trigger warning for you guys that we

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Speaker 1: do go into depths about her child abuse and sexual assault.

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Speaker 1: So if that is going to be triggering, I would

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Speaker 1: maybe skip this episode. She's really turned her pain into

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Speaker 1: profound purpose. Everything she is, Everything she has built from

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Speaker 1: the ground up, not from textbooks or theory, but through

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Speaker 1: lived experience, soul level healing, and walking herself through the

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Speaker 1: fire again and again. So over the last five years,

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Speaker 1: she's worked one on one with thousands of women to

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Speaker 1: help them transmute their pain into power, guide them to

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Speaker 1: heal at the root and reclaim the truth of who

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Speaker 1: they are. I actually found Jessica because she did some

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Speaker 1: one on one sessions with my best friend Lysinda Brandham,

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Speaker 1: which I'm sure you guys might know from my personal

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Speaker 1: Instagram and Lescinda raved about Jessica and has also done

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Speaker 1: her modality, and so I started following her and I

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Speaker 1: got obsessed with her and her content. So basically, in

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Speaker 1: this episode, we dive into how unresolved trauma can quite

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Speaker 1: literally shape your whole life. And if you keep being

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Speaker 1: stuck in the unresolved trauma, it creates these patterns. It's

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Speaker 1: disconnecting you from your truth, and it's blocking you from

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Speaker 1: the fulfillment that you truly desire. So Jessica shares how

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Speaker 1: to recognize the Simes trauma that could be still running

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Speaker 1: the show for you and gives you tools to begin

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Speaker 1: to start releasing it so you guys can create lives

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Speaker 1: that feel safe, expansive, and deeply aligned. This conversation is raw,

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Speaker 1: empowering and activating. Like I said, huge trigger warning for

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Speaker 1: sexual assault and child abuse. But if you are wanting

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Speaker 1: to listen to it, it is so moving, it's so deep,

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Speaker 1: it's incredible. So let's dive into this episode. Jess Welcome

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Speaker 1: to the Rise and Conquered Podcast. Thanks for having me.

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Speaker 1: I'm so excited you're here. I really came across you

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Speaker 1: because my best friend had done your accreditation and also

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Speaker 1: have another friend who has done some sessions with you

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Speaker 1: and they were getting incredible results, and so it's just

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Speaker 1: like very curious about you. I started like it into

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Speaker 1: your work and you are such an interesting person and

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Speaker 1: I love the work that you help other women work through. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was very excited to get you on the podcast

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Speaker 1: to kind of go to a deeper level. Before we

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Speaker 1: get into it, though, do you want to give a

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Speaker 1: quick intro to those who might not know who you are? Yes? So,

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Speaker 1: my name's Jessica Alla. I am a women's trauma healing expert.

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Speaker 1: So I have studied so many different modalities. I have

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Speaker 1: studied healing for the last fifteen years, inside out, upside down.

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Speaker 1: It was literally an obsession, like an obsession like orderline problem,

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Speaker 1: like couldn't think about anything else, couldn't talk about anything else.

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Speaker 1: I was every book, every documentary, just absolutely obsessed. I

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Speaker 1: started the certific So I have this of the Erica's

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Speaker 1: entification where I actually now teach people how to work

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Speaker 1: with trauma correctly because my number one passion was actually

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Speaker 1: creating something that works, because there's so much there that

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Speaker 1: doesn't go to that deep level. So yeah, I am

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Speaker 1: a SUREM a healer, I sometimes am a speaker, I

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Speaker 1: have my own podcast, I am a mom, I'm all

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Speaker 1: the things. And so just briefly, can you kind of

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Speaker 1: touch on like your accreditation, what sort of work does

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Speaker 1: that involve? Yeah, So it's called a ruka so aruka

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Speaker 1: healing or aruka therapy, and it's basically the only certification

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Speaker 1: that blends a combination of working with a subconscious mind,

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Speaker 1: working with the nervous system, and the body working with

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Speaker 1: memory processing. So similar to EMDR and also working with energetics,

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Speaker 1: so it blends those four things together, which I've discovered

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Speaker 1: over the last fifteen years that that is what you

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Speaker 1: need in order to heal. You need to be healing

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Speaker 1: at all those levels. And what I kind of discovered

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Speaker 1: was that people were going to do the subconscious work

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Speaker 1: and they were like, I feel good, but I still

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Speaker 1: I'm stressed. There's something missing. And then someone's like, you

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Speaker 1: should go to breath work and they were having these

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Speaker 1: big emotional releases and they're like, yeah, that's good, but

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Speaker 1: there's still something. And then they'd go to EMDR and

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Speaker 1: they were like, oh, this is it. Em DR is

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Speaker 1: the thing, and they were kind of placing it on

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Speaker 1: the last thing that they tried, not realizing that they'd

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Speaker 1: kind of closed the surface. Yeah, and so many women

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Speaker 1: hear this and they go, oh, I've been doing that.

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Speaker 1: I did all those things and now I'm good. But

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Speaker 1: I didn't realize. I thought it was just the AMDR

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Speaker 1: because it was the last thing. So I kind of

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Speaker 1: discovered that in order to heal, we have to heal

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Speaker 1: on all of those four levels. And once I discovered that,

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Speaker 1: it was kind of like everybody needs to know this,

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Speaker 1: so I actually had been healing was never actually something

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Speaker 1: that I was going to do as a career. It

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Speaker 1: was just like my obsession. As I mentioned, I sold

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Speaker 1: my last company, which was a wedding and events business,

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Speaker 1: and I was going to take six months off, and

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Speaker 1: I had a few friends and friends of friends that

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Speaker 1: knew that what I could do, so that I'd done

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Speaker 1: all of these different healing modalities and that I had

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Speaker 1: these superpowers, if you will, and they were like, oh,

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Speaker 1: could you just do a session for my friend. I'm like, yep, cool,

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Speaker 1: fifty bucks. And it just literally blew up from there

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Speaker 1: to the point of then having two years down the track,

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Speaker 1: huge waitlists and not being able to see everybody, so

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Speaker 1: then having to create the modality so that I could

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Speaker 1: then teach people Okay, this is how you work with people?

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Speaker 1: Well yeah, and it just kind of evolved from there.

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Speaker 1: That's incredible, and I think I'm so glad you kind

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Speaker 1: of spoke about those four levels, because you will have

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Speaker 1: people who you know, maybe do one and they're so

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Speaker 1: passionate about it. And then I've had to go on

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Speaker 1: that journey of it's not just the one thing, it's

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Speaker 1: all four of them together and it's a process. Like

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Speaker 1: it's like I don't want to use the word like

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Speaker 1: hard work, but it's work. And it's so funny because

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Speaker 1: whenever I'm talking to my students, I'm always like, you

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Speaker 1: got to do the work, and they like stop saying

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Speaker 1: work because they associate it with something like hard work. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but it is true. And I think for you to

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Speaker 1: want to shift your identity and be someone different, there

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Speaker 1: is going to be uncomfortability And is that even a word?

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure. You're going to have to get uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: And so I'm so glad you kind of touch on

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Speaker 1: that because it's very realistic, rather than do one subconscious

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Speaker 1: session and you're healed, Like, that's not the reality. No,

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Speaker 1: And I think it was for me as well, frustration

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Speaker 1: in that, like people were like, oh, healing doesn't work,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, what did you try? And then

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Speaker 1: tried one of those things. And for me it was like,

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Speaker 1: how can I speed this process up for people? Because

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Speaker 1: I obviously spent ten plus years doing it myself and

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Speaker 1: on myself and working through those layers. It was like,

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Speaker 1: what can I do to help women to speed up

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Speaker 1: that process so that they don't have to spend ten

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Speaker 1: years going to figure this out to all the four

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Speaker 1: different people, multiple different practitioners. I want them to be

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Speaker 1: able to come to one person that's like, I got

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Speaker 1: you so so important. Yeah, So basically I want to

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Speaker 1: get into it straight away. And I know when people

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Speaker 1: like they meet you, they work with you, you are so vibrant,

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Speaker 1: You're so glowy, and you seem like this beautiful, warm human.

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Speaker 1: But I do know that your story started in a

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Speaker 1: very different place, and I would love for you to

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Speaker 1: chat to us a little bit about Little Jess and

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Speaker 1: her experiences and how they have shaped you. Yeah. So

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Speaker 1: I guess for your listeners, definitely a trigger warning. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you put those in the start

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Speaker 1: of the episode or whatever, but just yeah, definitely big

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Speaker 1: trigger warning for sexual abuse. My story is definitely not light.

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Speaker 1: I try to like really summarize it because I've had thousands,

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Speaker 1: like hundreds to at least a thousand different traumas throughout

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Speaker 1: my life and not like there are hundreds of big

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Speaker 1: ta traumas, so it's really hard to kind of encapsulate

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Speaker 1: the entire experience. But if I really pull it back,

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Speaker 1: what shaped me and what was the most defining was

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Speaker 1: I was sexually abused by my father from three until

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Speaker 1: around twelve years old, then it stopped, and then when

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Speaker 1: I was around nineteen or twenty. It's hard to figure

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Speaker 1: out exact age, he also raped me. So I developed

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Speaker 1: throughout childhood what was diagnosed later as Stockholm syndrome. Because

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Speaker 1: he was my mother had left him when I was seven,

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Speaker 1: and because he was my caregiver. He was my father,

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Speaker 1: like we are biologically wired to love our parents, to

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Speaker 1: seek them for safety and for survival, and because he

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Speaker 1: was my most terrifying, like he was the most terrifying person,

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Speaker 1: but he was also my safe person. It was very,

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Speaker 1: very confusing as a child. So I developed Stockholm syndrome,

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Speaker 1: which for anyone that doesn't know, it's the diagnosis that

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Speaker 1: they give to somebody when they normally fall in love

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Speaker 1: with their kidnappers. And it's basically a way to survive.

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Speaker 1: So if you convince yourself that you love and adore

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Speaker 1: the person that is terrifying, they become less terrifying because

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Speaker 1: you're in control of that. So it's really hard when

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Speaker 1: people to wrap their head around. But I basically developed

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Speaker 1: two personalities, two sides, did multiple personality whatever you want

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Speaker 1: to call it, which have since been resolved. But I

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Speaker 1: had these two sides where one would love him and

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Speaker 1: adore him, and one would hate him and be remember everything,

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Speaker 1: and I basically would split those memories into those two parts,

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Speaker 1: and it helped me to survive. It helped me to

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Speaker 1: get through. So for context, as while my dad was

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Speaker 1: a criminal, he's a terrifying man, So there was also

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Speaker 1: a lot of terror. There was a lot of death threats.

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Speaker 1: He came into my room one night when I was

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Speaker 1: about five years old, drunk, holding a pillow over my

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Speaker 1: face and then letting me breathe holding it over my face,

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Speaker 1: letting me breathe and saying to me, if you tell

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Speaker 1: anybody what we do, I'm going to bury you in

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Speaker 1: the back. And he'd tell me where he was going

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Speaker 1: to bury me, and I'll kill you. All the time,

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Speaker 1: these death threats, and so I knew that what he

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Speaker 1: was doing was wrong because he was threatening to kill

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Speaker 1: me if I told anybody. But I also knew that

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Speaker 1: it was the only time that I got love because

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Speaker 1: when he wasn't abusing me, he that song messy, that's

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Speaker 1: like big at the moment, I'm too messy, I'm too.

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Speaker 1: That was him to a tee like I could not

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Speaker 1: no matter what I tried to be, And I was

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Speaker 1: that chameleon trying to twist and turn to what he wanted.

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Speaker 1: No matter what I did, it wasn't right. He would

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Speaker 1: criticize me, pull me down. So there was a part

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Speaker 1: of me that learned subconsciously that abuse is love. Love

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Speaker 1: is abuse. Abuse is love. That's what it is, that's

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Speaker 1: what it looks like. So you can only imagine the

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Speaker 1: path I went on from there. And then I guess

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Speaker 1: because of all of that trauma, because of all of

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Speaker 1: that confusion, I was strange. I had weird habits, I

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Speaker 1: strug with, struggled socially, I struggled to communicate. I struggled

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Speaker 1: in school. I thought I was dumb, I was bullied,

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Speaker 1: and I guess, to like top it all off, another

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Speaker 1: one of his family members brutally took my virginity when

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Speaker 1: I was seven, which was probably one of the biggest

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Speaker 1: memories that I had to actually work through because it

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Speaker 1: was just it was just awful. It was very traumatic.

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Speaker 1: So I just learned that men weren't safe, that no

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Speaker 1: one was safe, that you can't trust anybody, that if

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Speaker 1: you tell anybody, you're going to die. And I basically

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Speaker 1: carried that for thirty years of my life trying to

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Speaker 1: figure out what was wrong with me, why I was struggling.

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Speaker 1: Just yeah, a big mess I can't even imagine. And

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Speaker 1: thank you for being so open and vulnerable, because I

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Speaker 1: know you're not the only one who has gone through

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Speaker 1: a childhood like this, who has experienced such traumatic, horrific things.

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Speaker 1: So and I think a lot of women would be

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Speaker 1: listening who you know, may have experiences on a different

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Speaker 1: spectrum trim who haven't spoken about it, who haven't spoken up,

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Speaker 1: And so I just want to say thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for being so vulnerable and open, because I could

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Speaker 1: imagine it's not easy and it's not pretty, and there

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Speaker 1: is so much stigma around it still. So first of all,

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Speaker 1: it's just like so huge, and thank you for bringing

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Speaker 1: that so early in the conversation. I kind of would

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Speaker 1: love to just go a tiny bit deeper and ask, like,

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Speaker 1: so you were saying you thought that was love because

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Speaker 1: as a child, like yeah, like you said, it's your

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Speaker 1: primary caregiver, Like that's what we think is love. You

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Speaker 1: touched on a little bit, but like, how did that

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Speaker 1: look in your teenage years and then your early twenties,

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Speaker 1: Like what were you kind of seeking, what sort of

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Speaker 1: people were you were attracting? What was kind of like

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Speaker 1: the cycles that you were in. Yeah, So to me,

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Speaker 1: what I was unconsciously seeking that like repetition compulsion. I

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Speaker 1: was trying to heal the wound with different men, boys

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Speaker 1: that felt similar. So what I was unconsciously seeking out,

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Speaker 1: like unbeknownst to me at the time, I was seeking

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Speaker 1: out men that were confusing, that were hot and cold,

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Speaker 1: that were up and down, that were very critical. So

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Speaker 1: those same sorts of behaviors that were untrustworthy, that would

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Speaker 1: betray me, that would betray my trust, that would that

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Speaker 1: would feel unsafe, like it's so crazy now, But like

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Speaker 1: the biggest green flag to me for like yep, this

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Speaker 1: is a go was when I would feel anxiety around

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Speaker 1: them because I was just so used to feeling feeling

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Speaker 1: anxious and uncomfortable and unsafe around men that that felt normal.

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Speaker 1: Whereas a man who was safe and I'd be like, oh,

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Speaker 1: he's definitely gay or like you know, or I'd be

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Speaker 1: like oh he's not my time, he's too soft, or

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Speaker 1: like there would be a feeling of safety, but then

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Speaker 1: when I'd be like, oh, there's there's nothing sexual there,

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Speaker 1: because that's obviously not you know, if that's not what

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Speaker 1: I'm attracted to. So I didn't realize that that's what

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Speaker 1: I was doing, and that's what I was attracting. Definitely,

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Speaker 1: for me, it was that hot and cold and the

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Speaker 1: like highly critical person that would you couldn't do anything right,

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Speaker 1: like you'd do this and then that'd be wrong, So

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Speaker 1: you'd do this and then that would be wrong. And

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Speaker 1: it just yeah, and it's so interesting because yeah, like

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Speaker 1: what we don't realize is that's what we look for

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Speaker 1: in a partner is almost trying to heal that you know.

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Speaker 1: And I'm sure like in those relationships, were then you

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Speaker 1: trying to prove that you could get love from that person, absolutely,

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Speaker 1: like I was trying to heal that original wound. And

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Speaker 1: the thing is, like, you don't attract somebody who's the

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Speaker 1: complete opposite to the person who hurt you to heal

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Speaker 1: the wound, because it won't feel like you're healing the

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Speaker 1: wound because it's a different person. Whereas if you're unconsciously

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Speaker 1: attracting someone who is the same, you know, the same,

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Speaker 1: they feel the same, they have similar traits, they have

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Speaker 1: similar behaviors, and then all of a sudden they change

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Speaker 1: and they start loving you. It feels like it's going

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Speaker 1: to heal that original wound because they're so similar. We're

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Speaker 1: not going to go and find somebody who's the complete opposite.

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Speaker 1: Ideally that would heal the wound, but we don't do

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Speaker 1: that because our brain is looking for similarities and we're

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Speaker 1: just biologically wired that way. So if someone is listening

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Speaker 1: to this and they're having the light bulb moment, so like,

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Speaker 1: holy shit, this is why I always attracted the bad boy.

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Speaker 1: This is why I'm constantly attracting people who treat me

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Speaker 1: like shit, what would you kind of say to them?

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Speaker 1: Like what was the initial kind of actions, whether it

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Speaker 1: be subconscious, like any sort of work you did that

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Speaker 1: made you start to realize that it's like, okay, this

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Speaker 1: is actually my past. That it's like recreating the future

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Speaker 1: and I can change that. Like when was that moment?

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Speaker 1: I think this was so many moments, but I think

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Speaker 1: in regards to relationships specifically, there was definitely it was

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Speaker 1: a long process for me, which is why I am

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Speaker 1: to kind of help women to shorten it. But it

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Speaker 1: was a long process of like I had been raised

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Speaker 1: to think that everything was my fault, so the abuse

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Speaker 1: was my fault. I wanted this apparently, and I, you know,

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Speaker 1: like I'd been raised to just take on all blame

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Speaker 1: into self blame. And I was self gas lighting so hard.

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Speaker 1: And self gas lighting is essentially where you have an

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Speaker 1: issue or you see a wrong behavior and then you go, oh,

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Speaker 1: that feels wrong, and then before you even bring it up,

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Speaker 1: you go on, it's probably me. I'm probably being dramatic,

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Speaker 1: and you gaslight yourself without anyone else having to do it.

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Speaker 1: Those behaviors then go through into relationships, and I think

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Speaker 1: I had done so many years, like ten years plus

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Speaker 1: work on myself that every time something could happen I

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Speaker 1: was married at the time, every time something could happen

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Speaker 1: with my husband, my ex husband, I would be like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: that's a me issue, that's something I need to work on.

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Speaker 1: What shadow is that? What belief is that? And I

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Speaker 1: had gotten I'd gotten so deep and had gone through

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Speaker 1: so many layers that I'd been building my worth and

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Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, I was like, hold on, no, no,

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Speaker 1: you shouldn't fucking speak to me like that. No, no, no,

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Speaker 1: And that's it not me calling it out. You shouldn't

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Speaker 1: be doing it, And all of a sudden, I had

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Speaker 1: this level of knowing because I'm like, no, I've done

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Speaker 1: my work. I've done a lot of work on myself.

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Speaker 1: You've done none. And I also started to just open

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Speaker 1: my eyes and I started to become aware of his

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Speaker 1: behaviors and yeah, it just really started to But it

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Speaker 1: took because obviously I've had so much trauma. It took

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Speaker 1: so much. Like my self worth was just nonexistent, like

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Speaker 1: I would have I remember writing in my journals about

339
00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:38,199
Speaker 1: feeling like lots smaller than a piece of dirt, like

340
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Speaker 1: just being feeling stepped on, feeling betrayed, feeling just the

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Speaker 1: lowest of low. There had to be a level of

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Speaker 1: worth increasing, which came from belief work before I could

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Speaker 1: get to that point to be like hold on a minute,

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Speaker 1: hold on a minute. So you had to build up

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Speaker 1: that belief system, that self esteem, and then you were

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Speaker 1: able to see things more clearly. Because I didn't know,

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Speaker 1: like you might know, I knew, Sorry, that's not true.

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Speaker 1: I knew. I knew it was wrong because it felt wrong,

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Speaker 1: because it felt uncomfortable, because it made me feel small.

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Speaker 1: But I was so deep in this like you know,

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Speaker 1: self low self worth, in putting myself down in self

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Speaker 1: gas lighting, that I just couldn't even get to that

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Speaker 1: point where I would address it and bring it to

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Speaker 1: the relationship. So I really did have to build that

355
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,879
Speaker 1: level of worth first before I was actually able to

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Speaker 1: then address it. And I think a pivotal moment for

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Speaker 1: me was no, it was my body and was bodywork.

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Speaker 1: Because I'd done so much work on the mind. I

359
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:44,800
Speaker 1: had done thousands of beliefs, so many memory processing, and

360
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Speaker 1: I decided to start listening to my body over my

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Speaker 1: mind for a short period of time, and it was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: when I'm around this person, what do I feel? Oh,

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Speaker 1: my fists clench up, my shoulders tightened, my body locks up,

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Speaker 1: I retract, my body is retre acting. How do I

365
00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:02,679
Speaker 1: feel when I'm next to this person? What does it

366
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,120
Speaker 1: feel like hugging this person? I started to just notice

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Speaker 1: how my body felt around different people, and no matter

368
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Speaker 1: how much belief work I did, my body was like

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Speaker 1: absolutely not. It was what I jampa locked up. The

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Speaker 1: body doesn't lie, and it knows, and it has an

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Speaker 1: intelligence far superior to your brain. And my body was

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Speaker 1: just screaming at me that I just didn't feel safe.

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Speaker 1: And I spoke for years about safe love. I want

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Speaker 1: safe love or this kind of love. I'd love to

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Speaker 1: be treated like this, Like I knew what I wanted

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00:21:31,359 --> 00:21:34,000
Speaker 1: and what I was craving because I got to the

377
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,159
Speaker 1: point where I'd broken that cycle of like, Okay, we

378
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,200
Speaker 1: don't need to be loved in this really toxic, intense way.

379
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,600
Speaker 1: I want this other kind of love. And it was

380
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Speaker 1: like my inner child and me, I was just craving it,

381
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,160
Speaker 1: and unfortunately I was with somebody who just couldn't give it,

382
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:52,359
Speaker 1: who just had When you were speaking about in a

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Speaker 1: previous episode, when you were speaking about your relationship and

384
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,400
Speaker 1: the evolution, it was like, well, who I was when

385
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,600
Speaker 1: I went into that relationship was somebody who is extremely

386
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:06,639
Speaker 1: low self worth, weak, like a pushover. I would self gaslight,

387
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,080
Speaker 1: I would pretend that I didn't see things that were wrong.

388
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,520
Speaker 1: I would not bring anything up. I was people pleaser,

389
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Speaker 1: That's who you know he had fallen in love with.

390
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,280
Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden, I'd started shifting and

391
00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:20,800
Speaker 1: changing and started speaking up and started becoming this new

392
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:25,360
Speaker 1: version that just we just were no longer aligned and

393
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Speaker 1: can I ask more about that because they think a

394
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,600
Speaker 1: lot of the time, you know, especially women, we will

395
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:38,400
Speaker 1: go on this healing journey and you know, we will

396
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,520
Speaker 1: better ourselves, we will find our traumas, will work on ourselves.

397
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Speaker 1: And often we do have a partner who doesn't do

398
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,439
Speaker 1: the work and they kind of stay the same. But

399
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,719
Speaker 1: there can be this sense of guilt of like, well,

400
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,360
Speaker 1: I said yes to the marriage, Like I said yes

401
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:57,320
Speaker 1: to this person when they were here, and I've changed,

402
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,840
Speaker 1: so is it appropriate to leave them? Like you know,

403
00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:04,159
Speaker 1: though I'm not sure if those feelings came up for you,

404
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 1: but even like, could you talk and expand more? And that,

405
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,880
Speaker 1: because I feel like a lot of women would hold

406
00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:13,040
Speaker 1: so much guilt even if they know this is not

407
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,280
Speaker 1: the right relationship. I'm such a different person. I deserve better.

408
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:20,160
Speaker 1: But because it's been a long relationship, they were young,

409
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:24,359
Speaker 1: it would feel so hard to leave. Yeah, it absolutely does,

410
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,399
Speaker 1: and it's not something that's ever easy. And that's what

411
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:28,479
Speaker 1: I say. I've worked with plenty of people that are

412
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:30,679
Speaker 1: wanting to leave marriages, that have just left marriages and

413
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:34,359
Speaker 1: things like that, especially when kids get involved. I think

414
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:38,920
Speaker 1: for me, there was definitely a moment of like I've

415
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:43,320
Speaker 1: had a really shitty thirty something years and I'm not

416
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,440
Speaker 1: willing to sacrifice another thirty Like life is really precious

417
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,680
Speaker 1: to me now, and I actually just can't And that's

418
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,800
Speaker 1: just something internally, So obviously that's not going to work

419
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,200
Speaker 1: for everybody, but for me, it was just like, oh,

420
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,920
Speaker 1: life is really precious and I actually just can't, can't

421
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,159
Speaker 1: live this way anymore. But everything that your brain is

422
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:06,199
Speaker 1: telling you is basically it's your subconscious beliefs. It's your

423
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,560
Speaker 1: beliefs coming to the surface about what you think other

424
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,640
Speaker 1: people are going to think, what you think they're going

425
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,520
Speaker 1: to think. Like, all of that is your old programming.

426
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,800
Speaker 1: And I think when I moved into like well like

427
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:18,560
Speaker 1: because kids is the biggest one, right, a lot of

428
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,119
Speaker 1: women say to me, what about the kids? And I

429
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,159
Speaker 1: had that same thing. I'm like, I'm going to ruin them.

430
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,440
Speaker 1: I'm going to give them trauma, I'm going to ruin

431
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,719
Speaker 1: their childhood. And then I was like, actually, I'm going

432
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,840
Speaker 1: to show them that you never stay when you're in

433
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 1: an unhappy relationship. I'm going to model that. I'm going

434
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:39,200
Speaker 1: to show them that. And in regards to the relationship,

435
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,840
Speaker 1: I was like, I really gave it my all, I

436
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:44,040
Speaker 1: did really try everything, and I think that's where we

437
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:45,359
Speaker 1: need to be able to draw that line in the

438
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:47,680
Speaker 1: sand and set a date and go, you know what,

439
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,840
Speaker 1: I'm going to work on myself. Every time we have

440
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,960
Speaker 1: a fight, I'm going to look inward and I'm going

441
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,880
Speaker 1: to do XYZB. But if I get to this date

442
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,760
Speaker 1: and we're still having the same fights and there's no

443
00:24:56,880 --> 00:25:00,440
Speaker 1: change on their behalf, then I need to make that

444
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,919
Speaker 1: call essentially. But it's the guilt. I think women are

445
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,760
Speaker 1: just programmed with guilt, like we feel guilt. I just

446
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,480
Speaker 1: I think everyone's program with guilt. But we definitely have that,

447
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:15,639
Speaker 1: like mum guilt that we were nurturing by nature, and

448
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,920
Speaker 1: I think it's just redirecting that nurturing into yourself and

449
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:22,320
Speaker 1: being like, okay, what is this? Because relationships should be

450
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,840
Speaker 1: there to serve us. Yeah at the end of the day,

451
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,840
Speaker 1: like we pretend like they're not, but they need to

452
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,840
Speaker 1: be serving us in a way and serving our partner,

453
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,399
Speaker 1: and there needs to be that equal flow. Not always equal,

454
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,160
Speaker 1: but there needs to be that flow. And if you're

455
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,760
Speaker 1: not getting anything out of the relationship anymore, then it's

456
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,359
Speaker 1: kind of like you're wasting your life. You're wasting your

457
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,520
Speaker 1: precious time. And for me, it always comes back to time.

458
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,480
Speaker 1: It's like how much more time do you want to waste?

459
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:51,520
Speaker 1: And also something I feel like even you could switch it,

460
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:55,080
Speaker 1: you know, if you have children. And something I kind

461
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:59,520
Speaker 1: of brought into my decision making is even asking myself like,

462
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,880
Speaker 1: would I want Ivy to be in this type of relationship?

463
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:05,359
Speaker 1: Would I want Ivy to go through this? Would I

464
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:08,480
Speaker 1: want you know, that's my daughter? Sorry, and putting it

465
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 1: like that way, would I want her just to stay

466
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,679
Speaker 1: because of somethink I want it, you know, like switching

467
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:16,720
Speaker 1: in ahead and be like, oh my god, no, I

468
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,359
Speaker 1: would want like I just want what's best for her.

469
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,280
Speaker 1: I want her to be happy, and I would never

470
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,119
Speaker 1: want her to think you know, X, Y and Z,

471
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,840
Speaker 1: so think even you have kids, like switching it that

472
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,400
Speaker 1: way and be like, what would you want for them?

473
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,920
Speaker 1: What would you want them to experience? Would you want

474
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:36,840
Speaker 1: them to experience that ultimate safe, incredible, beautiful love or

475
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:41,040
Speaker 1: accept what they're currently accepting? Yeah? Absolutely, And the only

476
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 1: way to do that is to show them, Like I said,

477
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,640
Speaker 1: you have to show them because you can say to them,

478
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 1: you deserve this kind of love and you deserve that

479
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:49,640
Speaker 1: kind of love and chase your dreams. But if you're

480
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:52,240
Speaker 1: still doing the same job that you've hated forever, they're

481
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,040
Speaker 1: probably going to do that because they watch what you do.

482
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:58,439
Speaker 1: So it's definitely, yeah, I see that so much. Like

483
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,879
Speaker 1: even Ivy, you know, get up. I put on my makeup.

484
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,119
Speaker 1: She wants to put on makeup. I put on my clothes,

485
00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:05,879
Speaker 1: she wants to put on a pretty dress. And I'm like,

486
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,440
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, it's not so much what I say

487
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:13,000
Speaker 1: to her. She is watching everything that I do. Yeah,

488
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:16,200
Speaker 1: which is it's a lot to carry, but it honestly

489
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:26,720
Speaker 1: has changed my life with my perspective. Okay, so season

490
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,760
Speaker 1: seven of the Rise and Conquer podcast is all about

491
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,120
Speaker 1: getting everything you want, and this is something that I've

492
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,800
Speaker 1: really been trying to challenge and step into. So I

493
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,600
Speaker 1: credit a whole season on it, and I kind of

494
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:42,320
Speaker 1: wanted to talk to you about how do you think

495
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:47,800
Speaker 1: healing trauma and removing our blocks plays into getting everything

496
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:51,800
Speaker 1: we want. I think if you have trauma and you

497
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:56,000
Speaker 1: have those limiting beliefs surrounding that trauma, it's almost impossible.

498
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:59,399
Speaker 1: Like there are those instances where people absolutely fluke. But

499
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:03,399
Speaker 1: I think especially the bigger trauma and those more complex

500
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 1: repetitive traumas and things like that. Like every time you

501
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,400
Speaker 1: go to take a step forward, your brain is using

502
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:14,720
Speaker 1: old information running that through the system to see is

503
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:16,680
Speaker 1: this a safe move or is this not a safe move?

504
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:18,440
Speaker 1: And if you have a lot of trauma, it's never

505
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,399
Speaker 1: going to feel like a safe move. So moving forward

506
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,439
Speaker 1: into what you want requires you to step into a

507
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,880
Speaker 1: version of yourself that you probably get. Like so many

508
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 1: people can't even see, can't even visualize, Like one of

509
00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 1: the most detrimental things about trauma is that you actually

510
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:38,080
Speaker 1: can't after a period of time, you actually can't visualize

511
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:41,000
Speaker 1: the future. So when you do visualizations and things like that,

512
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 1: and some people might relate to this if they've been

513
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:46,440
Speaker 1: trying to do manifestation visualizations, there's actually a part of

514
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:50,200
Speaker 1: your brain that switches off imagination. There's actually like it's

515
00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:52,320
Speaker 1: a survival mechanism. When you've had too much trauma, and

516
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:55,400
Speaker 1: you've had too much trauma, your imagination and your ability

517
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:57,320
Speaker 1: to be able to think long term into the future

518
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,560
Speaker 1: will actually be restricted for survival because it's not actually

519
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,640
Speaker 1: beneficial for you to do that. It's more you're focus

520
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,160
Speaker 1: just on the right now, on the survival, on what's happening,

521
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 1: and so you actually lose that ability. I feel like

522
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:11,560
Speaker 1: for a lot of people that becomes like a really

523
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:15,840
Speaker 1: big obstacle and that comes back. That can come back,

524
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:17,680
Speaker 1: but it has to come back through a period of

525
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:22,320
Speaker 1: processing those traumatic memories and processing the subconscious beliefs that

526
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:25,479
Speaker 1: are stored in the traumatic memories. Because you've got you know,

527
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,400
Speaker 1: people who just do the subconscious work right and you

528
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 1: can shift the beliefs. That's like changing the program changing

529
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,840
Speaker 1: the programming, but where that programming started is a memory

530
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,040
Speaker 1: and is in a moment, and so you've still got

531
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:41,360
Speaker 1: evidence that it's true. So the tiniest little shake or

532
00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:43,440
Speaker 1: a little rock in the road of that and that

533
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:45,680
Speaker 1: belief will come back to the surface because you haven't

534
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:49,600
Speaker 1: processed where it was created, the emotional you know, the

535
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,200
Speaker 1: emotions that are trapped in that memory. So you actually

536
00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:55,120
Speaker 1: need to be processing the memories as well as the

537
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:58,720
Speaker 1: subconscious beliefs so that you can then start to move

538
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:02,760
Speaker 1: into this version of yourself that can actually get everything

539
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:04,320
Speaker 1: that you want. And for some people that would just

540
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 1: feel and for me, I know, it felt so frustrating.

541
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,000
Speaker 1: I was like, why can't I manifest? Like why can't I?

542
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:11,960
Speaker 1: Why can't I get that thing? And then there was

543
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 1: just all of these beliefs of like you don't deserve that,

544
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,280
Speaker 1: you're nothing. Do you know where you came from? Like

545
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:17,760
Speaker 1: look at who your daddy is, look at what you've

546
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:20,320
Speaker 1: been through. Nobody wants to know that. All of these

547
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:24,080
Speaker 1: host of things would come up and it's like, then, Okay,

548
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,440
Speaker 1: where did I learn that? What moment was that created in?

549
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 1: How do I start to shift those subconscious beliefs? Because

550
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:34,680
Speaker 1: your beliefs about who you are and also about how

551
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:40,080
Speaker 1: the world operates is your operating system for manifesting. Like, yes,

552
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:44,080
Speaker 1: you go into your conscious mind, but also like your

553
00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:46,280
Speaker 1: subconscious is what's ruling the show. So you can have

554
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: these you know, even if you can tap into it

555
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 1: and you can have these beautiful visualizations from dropping in

556
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,480
Speaker 1: from your conscious mind, you've got to pull them into

557
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,520
Speaker 1: your subconscious to make it happen. And if your subconscious

558
00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,320
Speaker 1: is like if you've had this beautiful idea of like

559
00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:01,440
Speaker 1: this is what I want to manifest, and you're subconscious

560
00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:03,720
Speaker 1: is like you're a loser, You're a weirdo, no one

561
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:06,840
Speaker 1: likes you, You're not worthy, you're pathetic. If that's your

562
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 1: belief system, I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy, I'm not enough.

563
00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:12,280
Speaker 1: And you try and step into that, that's going to

564
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:14,600
Speaker 1: feel like absolute chaos and you're just going to pull

565
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,080
Speaker 1: yourself right back into safety be able to do it. No,

566
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:23,040
Speaker 1: So it's everything, It's the most important, POC. Yeah, well,

567
00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 1: let's even take it back a step, because something I

568
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:30,360
Speaker 1: have conversations about like immediate you know, people around me

569
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:33,720
Speaker 1: or even on the podcast is for example, when I

570
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:36,920
Speaker 1: was on your podcast, I was talking about because I

571
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:41,440
Speaker 1: had a very normal, normal childhood. I had very loving parents,

572
00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:45,840
Speaker 1: I felt very safe. There was like no nothing, you know,

573
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:49,240
Speaker 1: I could really tell you about memories or incidents or whatnot.

574
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:51,800
Speaker 1: I always was like, I don't have to do in

575
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:54,120
Speaker 1: a child work. I don't have to do that. Like

576
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:59,000
Speaker 1: I had a great childhood. And it wasn't until like

577
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:01,239
Speaker 1: you know, I had a achieved all the things and

578
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 1: I had like ticked off everything, and I still felt

579
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:06,160
Speaker 1: quite numb that it was like hey, and I think

580
00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 1: I need to actually look into this. And then I

581
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:12,240
Speaker 1: started doing like inner child work and healing traumas and

582
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,800
Speaker 1: they weren't big Tea traumas like what you've spoken about,

583
00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:18,600
Speaker 1: but they were still things that like had shaped me,

584
00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:21,120
Speaker 1: that were holding me back or were driving the story.

585
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:23,719
Speaker 1: And I think maybe a lot of women who you know,

586
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 1: maybe they haven't gone through the big tea traumas, so

587
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,479
Speaker 1: they were like, I don't need to do trauma work.

588
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:31,080
Speaker 1: What's the kind of like science and what's the kind

589
00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:33,440
Speaker 1: of things that they could look for that maybe they'll

590
00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:36,400
Speaker 1: be listening they'll be like, Ooh, maybe I do need

591
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:39,040
Speaker 1: to do because I think trauma. Like even like when

592
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:42,080
Speaker 1: I spoke to my dad about certain things, He's like, trauma.

593
00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:44,560
Speaker 1: You don't have trauma. You had the best childhood I

594
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:48,480
Speaker 1: made sure, Like you know, it's like very stigmatized, yeah

595
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:51,400
Speaker 1: sort of thing. Yeah, Well, because like really to me,

596
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:53,240
Speaker 1: because a lot of people come to me honestly and

597
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:55,800
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, I'm really bad, Like I haven't had

598
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,320
Speaker 1: anywhere near the experiences of you, but I feel like

599
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 1: I had a really traumatic childhood. And they they feel

600
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,720
Speaker 1: almost guilty about coming to do the work because they

601
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,320
Speaker 1: feel like, oh, I don't really have a big problem.

602
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:07,520
Speaker 1: But the reality is, I say to every single person,

603
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:13,200
Speaker 1: a trauma is basically an unprocessed memory you. It's a

604
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:18,000
Speaker 1: memory that is open. So if you think about process

605
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:20,680
Speaker 1: memories that are storting your brain, they're closed off, they're

606
00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:24,520
Speaker 1: filed away, right. A traumatic memory is open so every time,

607
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:28,240
Speaker 1: and it's open for survival. So any moment where you

608
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:31,480
Speaker 1: felt like you weren't safe and you created a belief

609
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:33,720
Speaker 1: about who you were or how the world is, that

610
00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:36,200
Speaker 1: memory is open because it thinks. Your brain thinks that

611
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,040
Speaker 1: it needs to keep that memory open. It's like, I

612
00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:39,960
Speaker 1: need to keep this open so that we don't make

613
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,360
Speaker 1: that same mistake again. So I'm going to keep it open,

614
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 1: and then I'm just going to remind you that you

615
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:46,520
Speaker 1: no one likes you, or that you need to be

616
00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 1: you know, quiet, or you need to be whatever the

617
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,120
Speaker 1: characteristics are around what you decided you had to be

618
00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 1: in that moment. So, if you think about it in

619
00:33:55,040 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 1: terms of that, it's an unprocessed memory. So any memories

620
00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:00,560
Speaker 1: that you have that come back, that are repetitive or

621
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,480
Speaker 1: that you that you constantly think about or constantly come

622
00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 1: up in your day to day, that's a trauma. And

623
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 1: so any limiting beliefs you have come from a trauma. Yes,

624
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:11,800
Speaker 1: and so every trigger that you have has a memory

625
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:15,280
Speaker 1: linked to it. Your trigger isn't by accident. Your triggers

626
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:19,000
Speaker 1: are those unprocessed memories. So it's reminding you that they're there.

627
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,680
Speaker 1: It's like look at me. It's like look at me

628
00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 1: because for survival. But if you've shift that into a

629
00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:26,320
Speaker 1: healing mondet, it's like, look at me. I need to

630
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:28,440
Speaker 1: be healed. Look at me. I want to be closed off.

631
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:30,160
Speaker 1: I want to be finalized. I want to be finished.

632
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:33,719
Speaker 1: So in that memory, there's a belief, there's an inner child,

633
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:36,480
Speaker 1: there's unprocessed emotions, and there's a few things that need

634
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:38,239
Speaker 1: to be done for that memory to be able to

635
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:41,200
Speaker 1: be processed and filed away as that wasn't That was

636
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:43,440
Speaker 1: an a pivotal moment that we need to keep going through.

637
00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:47,720
Speaker 1: And when you do that, the triggers disappear. So people

638
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,880
Speaker 1: think that it's got to be these big things. But

639
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:53,160
Speaker 1: I'm closing off memories and working on traumas all the time.

640
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:55,759
Speaker 1: Around things that happened in the school yard, around a

641
00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:59,600
Speaker 1: passing comment from a parent, just a passing comment, and

642
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:02,200
Speaker 1: they were having a bad day probably and said something

643
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:05,280
Speaker 1: that was that they shouldn't have said, and it felt

644
00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:07,560
Speaker 1: like a shock to that person, and they didn't know

645
00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:09,840
Speaker 1: how to process it. So the other key thing with

646
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:13,080
Speaker 1: trauma is that it's confusion. What causes the memory to

647
00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:14,640
Speaker 1: not be able to be processed is that there was

648
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:17,920
Speaker 1: a level of confusion involved. So if you were confused

649
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:20,799
Speaker 1: about your parents' divorce, or you were confused about what

650
00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 1: the truth was that in that scenario, or any moments

651
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:27,399
Speaker 1: where you were confused about why is this happening, you're

652
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,600
Speaker 1: going to store that. You're going to keep that open

653
00:35:29,719 --> 00:35:32,120
Speaker 1: because you haven't also come to some sort of conclusion.

654
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:34,520
Speaker 1: So in a child, work is going back as your

655
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:37,839
Speaker 1: adult self and giving that child resolution and a new

656
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:40,400
Speaker 1: meaning and a new conclusion because they might have decided

657
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:43,040
Speaker 1: that it meant that they're worthless, but really it meant

658
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:45,480
Speaker 1: mum was having a bad day. Yeah, Mum's just being

659
00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 1: a bitch today. Yeah. So we go back and we

660
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:50,759
Speaker 1: change those narratives, working with the inner child whilst we're

661
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:54,880
Speaker 1: in the correct brainwave in a hypnotic state, and we

662
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:56,799
Speaker 1: make sure that we process that memory doing like a

663
00:35:56,880 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 1: number of things. So there's no the method is the

664
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,440
Speaker 1: same no matter how big the trauma. And something I

665
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:06,040
Speaker 1: say to all people, it's a little bit more intense

666
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:08,759
Speaker 1: when you're talking this other end of the spectrum of

667
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,839
Speaker 1: some of the things that I work with, But the

668
00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:13,440
Speaker 1: method is the same and they all need to be

669
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:16,400
Speaker 1: worked on because at the end of the day, the

670
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:20,040
Speaker 1: reason that people are wanting to get into this world

671
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:24,440
Speaker 1: of manifesting and of self healing and self work is

672
00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:27,720
Speaker 1: because they're not happy. So the signs are you're not happy,

673
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:31,280
Speaker 1: you're getting triggered all the time, you're thinking negative thoughts

674
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 1: about yourself, Like if you're not loving yourself, if you

675
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,839
Speaker 1: don't think that you're the best person to walk this earth,

676
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,800
Speaker 1: and you don't think that you're a valuable, important person,

677
00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:45,080
Speaker 1: you're constantly getting triggered. You have anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

678
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:47,200
Speaker 1: All of those things are signs that there is something

679
00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:50,279
Speaker 1: there that needs to be healed and you cannot look

680
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:51,959
Speaker 1: at it. But you're also not going to grow, because

681
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,040
Speaker 1: until you change your subconscious mind, you don't grow. You

682
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:57,719
Speaker 1: just are who you are. You just are who you've

683
00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:01,000
Speaker 1: been told you have to be who you truly are.

684
00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:05,760
Speaker 1: I actually want to be super vulnerable here and share

685
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,640
Speaker 1: a memory from my childhood which actually affected so much

686
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:11,840
Speaker 1: in my life, and like when I went back and

687
00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:14,759
Speaker 1: processed it I can see, like how small, but it

688
00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:19,440
Speaker 1: literally affected me for like thirty years. And just an example,

689
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,880
Speaker 1: because again I don't think people can understand how like

690
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:27,320
Speaker 1: such small things can actually affect them and drive such

691
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:31,799
Speaker 1: be such driving factors in their unconscious behavior. And I

692
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 1: had this, you know, this unconscious behavior in this belief

693
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:39,120
Speaker 1: of like almost don't trust people and you need to

694
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:43,000
Speaker 1: protect you need to protect yourself, like don't trust anyone.

695
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:50,160
Speaker 1: And I was quite closed off child, teenage years, early twenties,

696
00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,520
Speaker 1: and it was kind of like keep all your cards

697
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:56,480
Speaker 1: close to you, don't be vulnerable. And when I worked

698
00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:58,520
Speaker 1: with a practitioner and we kind of got to the

699
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:03,880
Speaker 1: earliest memory. It was around maybe I was like six,

700
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:09,000
Speaker 1: and so funny, I can't believe I'm saying this on it,

701
00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:14,280
Speaker 1: but basically it was around my mom thought I had worms,

702
00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: and so to check if you have worms, she literally

703
00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:21,520
Speaker 1: one night like I was obviously you know I told that,

704
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:25,439
Speaker 1: but one night, like I was sleeping, and she came

705
00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:28,799
Speaker 1: into my room and she checked my bum with a

706
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:31,840
Speaker 1: torch to check if I had worms. And then the

707
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:35,520
Speaker 1: next morning like I didn't, but she told everyone about

708
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:39,479
Speaker 1: it at the breakfast table, and like don't get me wrong,

709
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:42,360
Speaker 1: my mom has never been unsafe. Like she is a

710
00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:45,880
Speaker 1: stay at home mom with four children, the most loving

711
00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:49,759
Speaker 1: maternal person you would ever meet, like, would die for me,

712
00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:53,200
Speaker 1: would die for Ivy, like drops everything at you know,

713
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,839
Speaker 1: like just the best mum ever. Can't fool her. And

714
00:38:56,960 --> 00:39:00,680
Speaker 1: this memory from that point when I was six years old,

715
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,120
Speaker 1: because like you know, I have three older brothers, they

716
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:06,600
Speaker 1: were obviously like laughing and teasing. I was like, you

717
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:10,600
Speaker 1: cannot be vulnerable and you cannot trust anyone. That's such

718
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:13,719
Speaker 1: small memory, and obviously then you have more memories that

719
00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:17,319
Speaker 1: you build evidence on. Was then the reason why I

720
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:21,160
Speaker 1: was so guarded to my husband, so guarded to my

721
00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:24,759
Speaker 1: best friends. And it's so like that was like when

722
00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:27,960
Speaker 1: I went back there and realized, like that was a

723
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: memory again it could have I almost felt guilty. I

724
00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:33,440
Speaker 1: was like, really, daughter, like that's what you picked to, like,

725
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:37,000
Speaker 1: you know, not be vulnerable and feel so alone for

726
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 1: so long. But that's that's all it was. And it

727
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:44,799
Speaker 1: was just a small, seemingly insignificant moment, Yeah, but it

728
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:47,880
Speaker 1: meant catapulted so much to the six year old me.

729
00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:51,920
Speaker 1: She felt unsafe, She felt you know, like not protected

730
00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:56,040
Speaker 1: or exposed, embarrassed or shame, Yeah, shamed, all those sorts

731
00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:58,600
Speaker 1: of things. And so I just wanted to share that

732
00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:01,320
Speaker 1: example because again I think think people think, oh, I

733
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:04,560
Speaker 1: don't have trauma, but it can take something like that

734
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:08,560
Speaker 1: that will literally drive then a whole story that could

735
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,920
Speaker 1: change your whole life. Yeah, and every single thing that

736
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 1: happens to you, whether it's traumatic or not, every single

737
00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:17,799
Speaker 1: thing that happens to you in those developmental years is

738
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,560
Speaker 1: shaping who you are. So even if you don't necessarily

739
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,720
Speaker 1: perceive it as traumatic, it could just be like something

740
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:27,040
Speaker 1: that you've observed in your parents' behavior and it's like, Okay,

741
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:31,439
Speaker 1: well my mum my dad was an alcoholic. He drank

742
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:34,080
Speaker 1: all the time. So that's what a man, like a

743
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:36,080
Speaker 1: boy growing up would be like, that's what a man does.

744
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:38,360
Speaker 1: And it's just this kind of like monkey see, monkey do.

745
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 1: But you're developing who you are based around the people

746
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:43,920
Speaker 1: that are that are taking care of you and the

747
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:46,040
Speaker 1: people that are in your world. So it's not even

748
00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:50,160
Speaker 1: just trauma work. It's also just like who, like, who

749
00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:53,240
Speaker 1: are you before they told you who you had to be? Who?

750
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:57,080
Speaker 1: Who are you before each of those you know, those

751
00:40:57,120 --> 00:40:59,399
Speaker 1: people in your life kind of started to shape you

752
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:02,800
Speaker 1: around who they thought you should be, So it covers

753
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:05,680
Speaker 1: that as well. It really is like an an unbecoming

754
00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:08,320
Speaker 1: of everything that you don't that doesn't feel right, that

755
00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:10,319
Speaker 1: doesn't fit right, that you got told you had to

756
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:12,120
Speaker 1: be so that you can start to become who you

757
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,839
Speaker 1: want to be. Yeah, And for me, like going back

758
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:19,080
Speaker 1: to that specific incidant, it was like all I built

759
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:22,240
Speaker 1: up so much of like you can't trust people, don't

760
00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:26,879
Speaker 1: be vulnerable, always protect yourself, like never share more than

761
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:30,000
Speaker 1: you need to, and these things that again you know,

762
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:33,080
Speaker 1: kept me at a distance to like key people. And

763
00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:34,799
Speaker 1: so it wasn't until I realized that and I was like,

764
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:36,800
Speaker 1: that's so weird. Why don't I just feel comfortable to

765
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:39,040
Speaker 1: open up? Why don't I just feel And that was

766
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:42,480
Speaker 1: kind of the little piece that I had to continuously find.

767
00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:46,680
Speaker 1: I want to kind of switch gears and chat about

768
00:41:46,719 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 1: like kind of what we're talking about. But like, triggers

769
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:53,359
Speaker 1: can be very overwhelming because they can almost put us

770
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:57,560
Speaker 1: into like a victim mentality of blaming everyone else. And

771
00:41:57,600 --> 00:41:58,960
Speaker 1: I would love to know if you kind of have

772
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:01,960
Speaker 1: like a quick little proces of like if you're getting

773
00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:05,880
Speaker 1: triggered what you can do with it. And obviously I

774
00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:09,640
Speaker 1: know there's a longer process. But you know, if someone's

775
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:12,560
Speaker 1: getting really triggered all the time, Yeah, if someone's getting

776
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:15,040
Speaker 1: really triggered all the time over lots of different things,

777
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,359
Speaker 1: it probably is their nervous system to a agree, like

778
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:19,640
Speaker 1: they're just literally stuck in fight a flight and perceive

779
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:22,160
Speaker 1: everything as a threat, which is where those triggers are

780
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:23,920
Speaker 1: coming from. So a little bit of nervous system love

781
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:26,440
Speaker 1: if you're getting triggered all the time. I think one

782
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:30,080
Speaker 1: of the most common misconceptions with triggers is that people

783
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:33,279
Speaker 1: think that like, I guess, when you've had a lot

784
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:36,120
Speaker 1: of trauma, or when you yeah, when you've experienced a

785
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:38,719
Speaker 1: lot of trauma, or even just a few traumas that

786
00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:42,600
Speaker 1: have shaped who you are. When you're triggered, your brain,

787
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:45,600
Speaker 1: like the part of your brain, your prefrontal cortex, the

788
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:48,880
Speaker 1: part of your brain that's actually responsible for regulating your emotions,

789
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:52,480
Speaker 1: goes offline. So you literally are like, you're feeling like

790
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,279
Speaker 1: you're back in that moment, which is why I come

791
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:57,440
Speaker 1: back to that unprocessed memory. So it's like you actually

792
00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:01,680
Speaker 1: aren't responding as thirty five old. Yes, you're responding as

793
00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:04,680
Speaker 1: six year old yess who remembers a moment very similar

794
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:07,840
Speaker 1: to this one, and you're responding from that level because

795
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,440
Speaker 1: your brain is literally taking you back to that unprocessed memory.

796
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,960
Speaker 1: And people who have flashbacks will understand this because they

797
00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:17,000
Speaker 1: go actually back there. But a lot of this is

798
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:18,960
Speaker 1: happening a lot of the time with people when they're triggered.

799
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:22,000
Speaker 1: They're actually going back to a moment that's been unprocessed,

800
00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:25,319
Speaker 1: and so actually stopping themselves in the moment and being like, well,

801
00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:26,920
Speaker 1: I'm triggered right now, I'm going to pull it in.

802
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:29,839
Speaker 1: I'm going to do XYZ. That doesn't work because you're

803
00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:32,520
Speaker 1: triggered because your brain isn't operating the way it should

804
00:43:32,560 --> 00:43:37,560
Speaker 1: be operating. So for me, it's about it's about the downtime.

805
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:41,319
Speaker 1: It's about like noticing that you have been triggered. Is

806
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:44,600
Speaker 1: it first step full stop awareness? Noticing you've been triggered,

807
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,040
Speaker 1: write it down. And then once you notice that you've

808
00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:49,799
Speaker 1: been triggered, it's like removing yourself and going, Okay, I've

809
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:53,160
Speaker 1: been triggered. Everything that my brain is telling me right

810
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:55,920
Speaker 1: now is going to be is going to be false.

811
00:43:55,960 --> 00:43:58,640
Speaker 1: It's going to be skewed because you think that it's

812
00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:01,399
Speaker 1: one hundred percent absolutely truth. So I get a piece

813
00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:02,879
Speaker 1: of paper. I get my clients to get a piece

814
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:04,920
Speaker 1: of paper and put a line down the middle and

815
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:08,239
Speaker 1: write down what feels true right now, what's being activated,

816
00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:10,399
Speaker 1: what's the truth right now? And then on the other

817
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:12,560
Speaker 1: side of the piece of paper, once they've calmed themselves

818
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:15,080
Speaker 1: down a little bit, to really force themselves to go

819
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:18,439
Speaker 1: what else could be true? What else could be true

820
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:20,719
Speaker 1: right now? And to help them to come up with

821
00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:23,520
Speaker 1: that new narrative. Now, you need to be able to

822
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:25,520
Speaker 1: be in a state to do this, and a lot

823
00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:28,200
Speaker 1: of people they're trigger just takes them away. It takes

824
00:44:28,239 --> 00:44:30,600
Speaker 1: them away. They're in a rage, their mind grows a

825
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:32,919
Speaker 1: million hours. They're just like, I can't do this, I'm done.

826
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:35,560
Speaker 1: If it's a breakup, if it's a relationship fight, you're

827
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:37,640
Speaker 1: the problem. You do this, you do that, and it's

828
00:44:37,680 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 1: all projection. And there is a time when we need

829
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:43,600
Speaker 1: to come back and take responsibility for that. But we

830
00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:47,320
Speaker 1: have to first realize that we've been triggered. So getting

831
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:49,840
Speaker 1: really comfortable with like, what are the signs of me

832
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:52,120
Speaker 1: being triggered? And I know for me, a sign that

833
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:54,960
Speaker 1: I'm triggered, is dismissed being dismissive if I'm like whatever,

834
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:57,920
Speaker 1: If I'm just like whatever, just don't worry about it,

835
00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:00,520
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, something's triggered me because I'm being so

836
00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:03,839
Speaker 1: closed off right now. So getting to know what's your

837
00:45:03,840 --> 00:45:05,920
Speaker 1: go to when you're triggered? Is it? Is it anger?

838
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:09,759
Speaker 1: Is it sadness? Is it withdrawal? Is it putting the

839
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:12,799
Speaker 1: walls up? What does it look like so that you

840
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:15,520
Speaker 1: can start to notice when you've been triggered? And I

841
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:18,080
Speaker 1: promise that the more that you do this, the quicker

842
00:45:18,120 --> 00:45:20,759
Speaker 1: you get to being able to notice it. It's like

843
00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:23,640
Speaker 1: a muscle. So it's like I used to it used

844
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:25,160
Speaker 1: to take me a week to realize that I was

845
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:27,760
Speaker 1: triggered a week earlier, and then it took like literally,

846
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:30,120
Speaker 1: it would take me that long to realize what triggered me,

847
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:32,120
Speaker 1: and I'd be like, what is wrong with me? And

848
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:34,240
Speaker 1: then I'd be like, ah, you said this thing on Tuesday,

849
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:36,160
Speaker 1: and I would go it would take me a long

850
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,480
Speaker 1: time to realize, and then it was like, Okay, actually,

851
00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:41,200
Speaker 1: now I can notice it within a day, and then

852
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:44,359
Speaker 1: it's like within an hour, within minutes, and you get

853
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,880
Speaker 1: quicker and quicker at noticing that you've been triggered, and

854
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:51,120
Speaker 1: noticing those bodily cues, whether it's physical tension, whether you're

855
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:54,359
Speaker 1: feeling physically unwell, whether your heart starts to race, whether

856
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:57,439
Speaker 1: it's anxiety, or whether it's those more patterns. I think

857
00:45:57,480 --> 00:46:02,120
Speaker 1: patterns in relationships are easier to pick. A romantic relationship

858
00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:04,120
Speaker 1: or your relationship with your parents is always going to

859
00:46:04,200 --> 00:46:06,600
Speaker 1: be your biggest like how you're going to show you

860
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:09,719
Speaker 1: all of your triggers. So focusing on how you show

861
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:13,600
Speaker 1: up in those relationships, what your patterns are there, and

862
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:15,719
Speaker 1: looking at what else could be true and doing that

863
00:46:15,760 --> 00:46:18,319
Speaker 1: exercise is probably the number one thing. And also just

864
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:22,359
Speaker 1: being so kind to yourself, because the reality is when

865
00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:25,239
Speaker 1: you're triggered, you have no control of what your brain

866
00:46:25,320 --> 00:46:28,319
Speaker 1: is doing. It's switching off and it's taking over to

867
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:31,000
Speaker 1: protect you. It thinks it's doing the right thing. And

868
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:32,920
Speaker 1: so just being kind to yourself and being like, this

869
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:34,960
Speaker 1: is a result of what's happened. It's not who I

870
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,600
Speaker 1: truly am. It's a result of what's happened to me

871
00:46:38,239 --> 00:46:40,560
Speaker 1: in the past. Once I move away, I can go

872
00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:42,640
Speaker 1: and look at that and go yep, okay, it's my

873
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,400
Speaker 1: responsibility to fix it. No one else is coming to

874
00:46:44,400 --> 00:46:47,799
Speaker 1: save me. But also having that compassion for like right

875
00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:49,480
Speaker 1: now in the moment, I acted the way I acted

876
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:51,719
Speaker 1: because I didn't see any other opportunity in any other

877
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:55,799
Speaker 1: way because my brain wasn't processing correctly. Wow, that's so

878
00:46:55,960 --> 00:47:00,560
Speaker 1: help me. Just really absorbing, like you're like having so

879
00:47:00,560 --> 00:47:04,000
Speaker 1: many moments. No, I really appreciate that. I think that's

880
00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 1: going to be so helpful. And something you said kind

881
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:08,400
Speaker 1: of at the start is like if you are triggered

882
00:47:08,440 --> 00:47:10,520
Speaker 1: all the time, like what you would say to that

883
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:13,360
Speaker 1: person is like nervous system regulation is going to be

884
00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:17,600
Speaker 1: their best friend. Like what some quick sort of exercises

885
00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:19,880
Speaker 1: that you go to regulate your nervous system if you

886
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:23,200
Speaker 1: do notice that you're overactivated, you're triggered, just to get

887
00:47:23,239 --> 00:47:25,680
Speaker 1: your brain down to like okay, I can actually see

888
00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:29,200
Speaker 1: this differently. Yeah, So there's like a kind of derived

889
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:33,160
Speaker 1: from EMDR. There's like an eye movement technique that I teach.

890
00:47:33,239 --> 00:47:35,600
Speaker 1: I've done it a few, like shoe toils on social media,

891
00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:37,839
Speaker 1: like an ie movement one. It's probably I don't have

892
00:47:37,840 --> 00:47:40,239
Speaker 1: time to show to teach it through today, but I'll

893
00:47:41,120 --> 00:47:43,520
Speaker 1: we can leave it on the show figure out. Yeah.

894
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:47,040
Speaker 1: But yeah, there's definitely an eye movement technique that instantly

895
00:47:47,040 --> 00:47:50,960
Speaker 1: recalibrates your nervous system. And the other thing as well

896
00:47:51,080 --> 00:47:54,040
Speaker 1: is going slow. So there's all these different nervous system hacks,

897
00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,080
Speaker 1: and there's a lot of them that are bad. So

898
00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:59,040
Speaker 1: for instance, like ice baths and things like that are

899
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:01,520
Speaker 1: actually terrible for some with a dysregular nervous SYSM. They're

900
00:48:01,560 --> 00:48:03,840
Speaker 1: only good if you've got a good nervous system already,

901
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:07,399
Speaker 1: absolutely not getting there's so many, No, there's so many

902
00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:10,960
Speaker 1: bad ones. But I think going slow because your nervous system,

903
00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:13,000
Speaker 1: when it thinks there's a threat, it's going to speed

904
00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:15,360
Speaker 1: up and you're gonna do everything you can. Be brushing

905
00:48:15,360 --> 00:48:16,919
Speaker 1: you to eat like this, and you walk down the street,

906
00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:19,960
Speaker 1: let this youn be rushing. To slow down is going

907
00:48:20,000 --> 00:48:22,320
Speaker 1: to be the most soothing thing for your nervous system

908
00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:25,120
Speaker 1: to not rush, which is going to be really difficult

909
00:48:25,280 --> 00:48:28,600
Speaker 1: for some people. But definitely that eye movement. I use

910
00:48:28,600 --> 00:48:30,120
Speaker 1: that with my clients all the time and it just

911
00:48:30,160 --> 00:48:32,720
Speaker 1: fully resets you. The thing as well with your nervous

912
00:48:32,719 --> 00:48:35,480
Speaker 1: system is that it does take a little while to recover,

913
00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:39,640
Speaker 1: but once it's recovered like it's strong, and it will

914
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,960
Speaker 1: get stronger. So it's that thing of you know, you've

915
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:44,719
Speaker 1: got this window of tolerance and up here you've got

916
00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:46,880
Speaker 1: fight or flight, and down here you've got association, and

917
00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:48,879
Speaker 1: then you've got this beautiful window in the middle where

918
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:51,680
Speaker 1: if you're hualsy, you'll spend your day in this window

919
00:48:51,719 --> 00:48:54,760
Speaker 1: of tolerance in regulation and you'll be able to handle

920
00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:57,520
Speaker 1: the stresses of everyday life and staying within that window.

921
00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:01,480
Speaker 1: After periods of long term stress, that window becomes really small,

922
00:49:01,520 --> 00:49:03,360
Speaker 1: and essentially what happens is you wake up in the

923
00:49:03,360 --> 00:49:06,160
Speaker 1: morning and you're already triggered, you're already in fight to flight.

924
00:49:06,239 --> 00:49:08,839
Speaker 1: You can only survive there for so long before your

925
00:49:08,840 --> 00:49:12,879
Speaker 1: nervous system has to switch the flick, click the switchitch

926
00:49:13,280 --> 00:49:15,840
Speaker 1: and shut you down and put you into dissociation so

927
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 1: that you can just check out. And then you'll be

928
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:20,000
Speaker 1: flogging and you'll be dreamy and you won't know what's

929
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:22,600
Speaker 1: going on. Then you'll need to you'll eventually come back

930
00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:24,680
Speaker 1: up into your window, and if it's still this little

931
00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:27,600
Speaker 1: tiny window, because your nervous system is weak, your vagus

932
00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:29,920
Speaker 1: nerve is weak, you'll just go straight back into fight

933
00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:32,600
Speaker 1: to flight and the cycle continues again. With this eye

934
00:49:32,680 --> 00:49:35,520
Speaker 1: movement technique and with going slow and retraining it, you're

935
00:49:35,560 --> 00:49:38,800
Speaker 1: actually building out that window and making your nervous system

936
00:49:38,880 --> 00:49:41,480
Speaker 1: stronger so that when a stress does happen, you can

937
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:45,320
Speaker 1: handle it without going into fight to flight. That's incredible.

938
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,040
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for sharing that last question that

939
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:49,640
Speaker 1: I want to ask, because I know we're running out

940
00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:52,399
Speaker 1: of time and it's just been incredible chatting to you

941
00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:57,000
Speaker 1: is again, I feel like a lot of you know,

942
00:49:57,120 --> 00:50:01,560
Speaker 1: people women when they have had trauma, and they're so

943
00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:05,520
Speaker 1: used to living in a state of constantly being triggered,

944
00:50:05,680 --> 00:50:11,760
Speaker 1: constantly in dissociation, constantly, you know, not able to process

945
00:50:11,840 --> 00:50:14,359
Speaker 1: things or work through it feels like they're normal, like

946
00:50:14,400 --> 00:50:16,920
Speaker 1: they kind of they don't know what else it feels like.

947
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:18,960
Speaker 1: And I would love for you to chat about, like

948
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:21,920
Speaker 1: what does it truly mean to thrive in life from

949
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:27,960
Speaker 1: a healed and whole place? Like what's that feeling? Yeah,

950
00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:32,239
Speaker 1: to me, it's always embodied. To me, it's always it's

951
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:35,840
Speaker 1: a liveness, this feeling of like I'm alive, because trauma

952
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:38,080
Speaker 1: steals that from you as well, Like you don't feel

953
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:40,440
Speaker 1: alive no matter what you do, so I think this

954
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:45,400
Speaker 1: feeling of a liveness, like, but it's calm, a liveness,

955
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:48,520
Speaker 1: because you can have chaotic liveness through like I'm going

956
00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:50,440
Speaker 1: here and doing this and all these amazing things are happening.

957
00:50:50,520 --> 00:50:53,560
Speaker 1: That's right orf flight, and so you're absolutely right, Like

958
00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:55,279
Speaker 1: you get used to living in fight or flight, but

959
00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:57,719
Speaker 1: when you feel calm, it feels like something's coming for

960
00:50:57,840 --> 00:51:00,720
Speaker 1: you and something really bad is going to happen because

961
00:51:00,920 --> 00:51:02,839
Speaker 1: you're not used to it. You're so used to fight

962
00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:06,439
Speaker 1: orf flight, and so it's bit by bit. It really

963
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,719
Speaker 1: is bit by bit rebuilding that nervous system, processing those

964
00:51:09,719 --> 00:51:13,360
Speaker 1: memories and getting used to this new normal of calm.

965
00:51:13,920 --> 00:51:16,880
Speaker 1: But for me, it's definitely it's a liveness. It's feeling calm,

966
00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:20,799
Speaker 1: and it's love because one of the biggest things we

967
00:51:20,840 --> 00:51:23,920
Speaker 1: all want love, like that at the bottom of everything.

968
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:27,120
Speaker 1: If everything got stripped away from you, but you still

969
00:51:27,160 --> 00:51:30,240
Speaker 1: had love, you would be fine. Like what we're fearing

970
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:33,920
Speaker 1: if we bring back everything. In our conversation, we're afraid

971
00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:36,120
Speaker 1: of getting too big because we're afraid of people not

972
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:38,200
Speaker 1: loving us. We're afraid of speaking up because we don't

973
00:51:38,200 --> 00:51:41,080
Speaker 1: want people to stop loving us. We're afraid of conflict

974
00:51:41,120 --> 00:51:43,319
Speaker 1: in relationship because we don't want them to stop loving us.

975
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:45,920
Speaker 1: We just want love. We want to love and be loved,

976
00:51:46,040 --> 00:51:49,560
Speaker 1: and it really is that simple. So for me, healed

977
00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:52,759
Speaker 1: is like I love everybody that I meet, and I

978
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:56,560
Speaker 1: feel like people love me and I have these beautiful connections.

979
00:51:56,640 --> 00:51:59,239
Speaker 1: And for me, that's how you know that you're healing,

980
00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:01,239
Speaker 1: because you feel like your heart is open and you

981
00:52:01,280 --> 00:52:05,520
Speaker 1: feel like you're actually making these deeper connections. You actually

982
00:52:05,560 --> 00:52:08,680
Speaker 1: feel that love like coming back and forth. And that's

983
00:52:08,719 --> 00:52:11,360
Speaker 1: one of the things that if you don't feel loved,

984
00:52:11,719 --> 00:52:13,279
Speaker 1: you know that you've got more healing work to do,

985
00:52:14,320 --> 00:52:16,040
Speaker 1: because I feel like that is our true nature once

986
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:18,680
Speaker 1: we go through all of those layers. So yeah, definitely

987
00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:21,640
Speaker 1: a liveness, love, and a sense of come because I

988
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:26,319
Speaker 1: watch people who have all of the things materialistically and

989
00:52:26,360 --> 00:52:28,040
Speaker 1: I watch them and they look like they are in

990
00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:31,280
Speaker 1: absolute chaos and on the brink of burnout, and I'm like, oh,

991
00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:33,800
Speaker 1: that's not happy, that's not a happy life. That's not

992
00:52:33,880 --> 00:52:36,600
Speaker 1: what I want. Yeah, that's not what my nervous system

993
00:52:36,680 --> 00:52:39,319
Speaker 1: wants or Yeah, So I think that to me is

994
00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:43,520
Speaker 1: like that epitome of like healed and centered and actually

995
00:52:43,600 --> 00:52:46,880
Speaker 1: enjoying life. That's so beautiful. Thank you so much for

996
00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:49,759
Speaker 1: saying that. Thank you so much for coming on the

997
00:52:49,760 --> 00:52:54,480
Speaker 1: podcast and being so vulnerable and sharing so much. Honestly,

998
00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:59,560
Speaker 1: like without people like you being so open and having

999
00:52:59,600 --> 00:53:02,920
Speaker 1: to go through so much and making their mess their message,

1000
00:53:03,280 --> 00:53:06,799
Speaker 1: like you truly are healing this whole world. So thank

1001
00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:08,560
Speaker 1: you so much for coming on the show. And of

1002
00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:12,000
Speaker 1: course I will link you our link everything that. If

1003
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,799
Speaker 1: anyone's listening to this and they want to move forward

1004
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:17,919
Speaker 1: and they're healing journey, they want to work through trauma,

1005
00:53:18,080 --> 00:53:20,200
Speaker 1: make sure you do it. Guys, literally the best thing

1006
00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:22,960
Speaker 1: I ever did. You will never regret it. You will

1007
00:53:23,000 --> 00:53:25,720
Speaker 1: like if you want that feeling that Chess is just having,

1008
00:53:25,800 --> 00:53:28,400
Speaker 1: Like that's the feeling, it is the feeling. Thank you

1009
00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:31,000
Speaker 1: so much for having me. Thank you so much for

1010
00:53:31,080 --> 00:53:33,800
Speaker 1: listening to this episode of the Rise and Conquer podcast.

1011
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:37,080
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed it and want more, connect with us

1012
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:41,719
Speaker 1: via Instagram or continue the conversation on our beautiful Facebook

1013
00:53:41,719 --> 00:53:44,920
Speaker 1: community page. All the details are in the show notes,

1014
00:53:44,960 --> 00:53:47,839
Speaker 1: and I'd love to hear more about your journey. Also,

1015
00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:51,400
Speaker 1: we're an independent podcast with a small but mighty team,

1016
00:53:51,520 --> 00:53:54,360
Speaker 1: so we really do appreciate your support. If you have

1017
00:53:54,400 --> 00:53:58,120
Speaker 1: a spare moment, please click the follow or subscribe button

1018
00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:01,600
Speaker 1: to the podcast, and if you leave a review, you'll

1019
00:54:01,640 --> 00:54:04,759
Speaker 1: help other people find our content and we would be

1020
00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:05,680
Speaker 1: so grateful.