Speaker 1: Welcome back, guys to another episode of Life on Cut.
Speaker 2: It is Therapy Thursday, and this is our Ask Uncut edition.
Speaker 2: This is where you, guys writing all your questions. Some
Speaker 2: are super deep and super heavy, some are a little
Speaker 2: bit more lighthearted and relatable. Either way, we can't get
Speaker 2: enough of them, and we are here to help.
Speaker 1: That was a good intro.
Speaker 2: Admitt it.
Speaker 1: You don't know where to go from there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you really stunned me. No, I'm also getting over
Speaker 2: the fact that we did try and just record another
Speaker 2: intro and I just had one of those moments where
Speaker 2: my brain was thinking and my mouth was doing something
Speaker 2: completely different, and it happened about seven times in a row,
Speaker 2: so literally it was the biggest brain fit I've ever seen. Yeah,
Speaker 2: we may have to cool an ambulance if this continue.
Speaker 2: And then also we just realized that we weren't actually
Speaker 2: recording with one of the microphones, so I was legitimately
Speaker 2: just talking to myself for four minutes. So you didn't
Speaker 2: glance down and look at that, we would have done
Speaker 2: a whole episode of you talking to yourself. That would
Speaker 2: have been like a normal day in my life. That
Speaker 2: is how it goes from the minute I wake up
Speaker 2: to the minute I go to bed. Oh guys, we
Speaker 2: look not a lot has happened in our life between
Speaker 2: our last episode, because we only recorded Tuesday's episode last night.
Speaker 3: Speak to yourself. I read a great article today about
Speaker 3: how a man in Odaha is Odahara plays utah.
Speaker 1: No, it's like Idaho.
Speaker 2: I'm from Oldaha. Idaho ate one hundred and fifty seven
Speaker 2: blueberries in a minute. So that was my highlight. Is
Speaker 2: that a record? Yes, it's a Guinness record. This man
Speaker 2: actually has multiple Guinness records. I don't know how I
Speaker 2: stumbled onto this article. I reckon I who do that?
Speaker 2: One hundred and fifty seven blueberries in a minute? Very's
Speaker 2: a pretty small You have to eat them though. You
Speaker 2: can only pick them up with one hand and eat
Speaker 2: them one at a time.
Speaker 1: Oh that's different.
Speaker 2: I just picking them up to me into like shoving
Speaker 2: my face in hoover the punnety. Oh that's different because
Speaker 2: then that's more about being speeding on zalees with like
Speaker 2: fine motor skills. That's what he said. He's like, it's
Speaker 2: all about skill speed, so much skill to eat blueberries
Speaker 2: in a minute. So yeah, look, you know what my
Speaker 2: day has been wild. This guy's a blueberry farmer, isn't he. No,
Speaker 2: he just lives in Odah, lives in a far off, magical,
Speaker 2: made up place. I love that. Wow. Anyway, So yeah,
Speaker 2: these are the people who you trust to give their
Speaker 2: unqualified opinions on your problems. Thank you for coming to
Speaker 2: my therapy session. Okay, and that's us out. I actually
Speaker 2: have a question that someone in my life brought to
Speaker 2: me today and I am going to bring it to you.
Speaker 2: Are we going to bounce the person? Not? Okay? Very discreet?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 2: Almost like okay, you have to bear with me in
Speaker 2: this tall tale because I almost feel like it was
Speaker 2: out of a movie. If I didn't know if someone
Speaker 2: wrote this in, I would have called their bluff and
Speaker 2: said no way, But they didn't. It's come from a
Speaker 2: reliable source. This is my friend asking me today, and
Speaker 2: it's his friend, so it's not him. He's like, look,
Speaker 2: I want your opinion on this. All these guys went
Speaker 2: out this big group of friends, okay, and they're all foreign,
Speaker 2: they're all from overseas, they're all different travelers. But they've
Speaker 2: been living here for a few years, and you know
Speaker 2: what it's like. They all want to move here. Everyone
Speaker 2: wants to move to Australia. He's a bit of this guy.
Speaker 2: The friend's a bit of a like a player. He's
Speaker 2: really smooth with the ladies. He's thirty. He sees his
Speaker 2: girl at the bar with a friend young both youngish
Speaker 2: looking but like at different ages. Looks cute. He goes
Speaker 2: over and starts to chat them up, asks them to
Speaker 2: come join the boy's table. So these two women come
Speaker 2: join the table. About three quarters through the night, they
Speaker 2: come to the realization that one of the girls that
Speaker 2: he really likes and he's hitting on is only eighteen,
Speaker 2: and the other girl is not a girl, but it
Speaker 2: is in fact her mum. So this girl and her
Speaker 2: mum have gone out like partying. Okay, wow, what weird.
Speaker 2: What a compliment to be that mum. That's certainly not
Speaker 2: gonna be me and Marley. They're gonna be like Marley
Speaker 2: hanging out with her grandma again. So it gets weirder, Right,
Speaker 2: He's hitting on this girl who's eleven years younger than him,
Speaker 2: twelve years younger than him, big age gap. Anyway, in
Speaker 2: front of her mum, and her mum's cool with it.
Speaker 2: They end up going on a few dates. Wait, all
Speaker 2: of them, or the young girl and the younger girl
Speaker 2: and your age gapp okay, right, young girl and the
Speaker 2: guy end up going on two dates. I'm sticking with
Speaker 2: you with the story.
Speaker 1: It's worth it. It's worth it.
Speaker 2: I'm on the roller coaster. Get me there. They're on
Speaker 2: this second date and for stepping out for some reason,
Speaker 2: the mom has to pick them up from the date
Speaker 2: and take them home. I don't know why. I don't
Speaker 2: know if they can't afford no bar, I don't know,
Speaker 2: if they don't have their own car. She had to
Speaker 2: come and pick them up. They go back to her house,
Speaker 2: the eighteen year old's house. They've hooked up and stuff.
Speaker 2: Keep this in mind. Then they sit down together. The
Speaker 2: mom says, I have something I want to ask you.
Speaker 2: I think you're great, I think you're handsome. I know
Speaker 2: you want to live in Australia. I know you are
Speaker 2: a good guy. I know you want permanent residency. I
Speaker 2: want to have a child. I want you to be
Speaker 2: the father of my child.
Speaker 1: And I know I stay with me. So she's forty one.
Speaker 2: She's aside she wants another child because she's single. She's
Speaker 2: asking that this is a plow, not a play. I
Speaker 2: don't want to say a ploye because I don't know.
Speaker 2: But the daughter is in on it. But if this happens,
Speaker 2: If this happens and he agrees to do it, it means
Speaker 2: that his son or daughter is going to be also
Speaker 2: the brother to the girl he was dating.
Speaker 3: This is just a very very close family. Obviously she
Speaker 3: wants his sperm, like obviously she wants him to be
Speaker 3: a sperm donor.
Speaker 2: Like that's what this is. She's not saying I want
Speaker 2: to sleep with you or anything. It's like, well, I
Speaker 2: don't know the specific I just said I'm into a
Speaker 2: Turkey based and she it in the room next door.
Speaker 2: I imagine it's sperm donor, because that's even more messed
Speaker 2: up if she wants to be sleeping with her daughter
Speaker 2: sleeping with But it means that his child is the
Speaker 2: brother or sister to the person that he was sleeping with.
Speaker 3: Which would then also end up potentially being his stepmom
Speaker 3: if he married the girl. Ezachkay, I feel like there
Speaker 3: is a lot of layers here.
Speaker 2: I don't think you're posing this. If you're posing this
Speaker 2: as a question that you want me to answer, this
Speaker 2: is way above my skill set. My friend said, to me,
Speaker 2: what do you think he should do if he's a
Speaker 2: little bit tempted to get permanent residency? And I said,
Speaker 2: straight up, this doesn't give him permanent residency if she
Speaker 2: has said that to him, No, having a child in
Speaker 2: a country doesn't allow you to have permanent residency. I
Speaker 2: held him a low idea. Yeah, it's really hard to
Speaker 2: move to Australia. But I just and he asked me
Speaker 2: because his friend came to him and said, what do
Speaker 2: you reckon I should do?
Speaker 1: He's like mine, no, I know a girl that answers question.
Speaker 1: So he comes to me. He says, what do you
Speaker 1: think you should do? And I was like, oh, I
Speaker 1: don't know.
Speaker 2: I've got a podcast, but this is so far above
Speaker 2: our pay grade that I actually don't know how to
Speaker 2: answer this. I think that there are many many crazy
Speaker 2: people out there who like to do crazy things. Not
Speaker 2: going to shame them. You can always ask the question,
Speaker 2: and if you don't ask, you don't get I just
Speaker 2: just sounded like a movie, and I was like, is
Speaker 2: this actually happening? I think he'd be crazy to go
Speaker 2: through it, but you know, whatever makes him happy. But
Speaker 2: I once got asked, so this was this is so
Speaker 2: many years ago. But when I was dating a guy
Speaker 2: that I was with for six years, we lived together
Speaker 2: in a little tiny bedroom studio, and his best well
Speaker 2: one of his best mates, so he'd become really good
Speaker 2: friends with That year prior, I was this Italian guy
Speaker 2: who owned the cafe down the road that we used
Speaker 2: to go to, and he had started this cafe, but
Speaker 2: he was only on like a student working visa. It
Speaker 2: was all very dodgy.
Speaker 3: Anyway, came to a point where he had very limited
Speaker 3: time left on his visa and hadn't sorted out another
Speaker 3: option to stay, and this Italian guy had approached my
Speaker 3: ex boyfriend. Funnily enough that he's my ex.
Speaker 2: I'd approached my ex boyfriend at the time and was like, Hey,
Speaker 2: how would you feel if I pay you a certain
Speaker 2: amount of money and I marry Laura to get permanent residency.
Speaker 2: And my boyfriend came to me and proposed. The question
Speaker 2: was like, so this is what we're thinking, how do
Speaker 2: you feel about this? And I was like, not.
Speaker 1: Good, not good. It reminds me of.
Speaker 2: A time I had to fight off people that were
Speaker 2: trying to buy my sister in Morocco for like twenty chickens.
Speaker 1: Because she's blonde and beautiful.
Speaker 2: They're like, yeah, twenty chickens, three camels, and I was
Speaker 2: like no, They're like, fine, we'll throw it a document.
Speaker 2: She has at least seventeen camels and some sort of
Speaker 2: outpack up. I was like, does this girl look like
Speaker 2: five camel girl? No, she's a twenty five camel girl.
Speaker 2: We've obviously never been in a situation where we want
Speaker 2: to stay in a country that we aren't entitled to
Speaker 2: stay at, or it's you know, we're not able to
Speaker 2: stay at, so I can understand the desperation for it.
Speaker 2: And maybe this woman thinks that he's at a point
Speaker 2: or he's desperate enough to give her something that she's after.
Speaker 2: And I mean, there is obviously a very unusually close
Speaker 2: relationship between her and her daughter, But everyone's different and
Speaker 2: different strokes with different folks. I'm not gonna judge, but
Speaker 2: I'm also not going to touch that one with ten
Speaker 2: foot poll. No. I legitimately just wanted to share it
Speaker 2: because I thought it was a crazy story. But anyway,
Speaker 2: let's jump into some real question. As always, every week,
Speaker 2: you send in your questions, Britt and I will actually
Speaker 2: mostly Brit picks out her favorites. I've picked out a
Speaker 2: couple today though, so you know, hold on to your
Speaker 2: panties and we do our absolute best to answer them.
Speaker 2: And this one has just come through, so I'm going
Speaker 2: to jump in first. Hey, guys, love the podcast not
Speaker 2: a necessary part of this question. I really wanted to
Speaker 2: throw that in.
Speaker 3: I want your opinion on when am I supposed to
Speaker 3: delete photos from a past relationship. I'm twenty six and
Speaker 3: had a fairly amicable breakup with a boyfriend of four
Speaker 3: years about a year ago. We are still occasionally in contact.
Speaker 3: We send a message here and there to keep in
Speaker 3: touch with one another, but from my side, there are
Speaker 3: definitely no romantic feelings left and we most definitely will
Speaker 3: not be getting back together. My problem is because he
Speaker 3: never wronged me in any way.
Speaker 2: We just grew apart. I still cherish our memories together.
Speaker 2: So what do I do with all the photos together
Speaker 2: on my phone and on Instagram, especially if I get
Speaker 2: a new partner in the future. Help. I feel very
Speaker 2: strongly about this that I don't think anyone ever needs
Speaker 2: to delete or why wipe out a part of their life.
Speaker 2: I think that especially because she has say but she's
Speaker 2: especially because she has said it ended amicably. They're on
Speaker 2: good terms, she's got no romantic feelings for him. I
Speaker 2: don't see why you need to delete those photos if
Speaker 2: it's not hurting you to look at and you're you're
Speaker 2: looking back on that memory fondly. I think it's okay,
Speaker 2: because what it comes down to is this person was
Speaker 2: a large chapter of your life. You had a lot
Speaker 2: of memories with them, You probably went through a lot
Speaker 2: with them, you experienced a lot from them, you learned
Speaker 2: a lot from them, And I feel like it's wiping
Speaker 2: out a whole section of your life that I don't
Speaker 2: think you need to do. I love the fact that
Speaker 2: I have found photographs of my mom's ex boyfriends when
Speaker 2: she was like seventeen, eighteen nineteen. She just has like
Speaker 2: a boy you know, when you're young and you kept
Speaker 2: all your photos in a shoe box. She's got a
Speaker 2: burn box.
Speaker 1: But I'm so an even dad.
Speaker 2: Dad was like, oh what was his name again?
Speaker 1: You know, like I'm.
Speaker 2: Fascinated by it. And I was like, Mum, you dated
Speaker 2: this guy, like this is your life before Dad, And
Speaker 2: she's like, yeah, used to do this, and it was
Speaker 2: just it's really nice to see that it's a part
Speaker 2: of someone's life because it is it helps shape who
Speaker 2: you are. I think that if it's been a really,
Speaker 2: really bad ending and when you look at these photos,
Speaker 2: it gives you these really negative feelings and it brings
Speaker 2: you down and it reminds you of bad times, sure
Speaker 2: wipe that shit. But no, I don't think that even
Speaker 2: if you meet someone new, you need to delete those
Speaker 2: photos at all. I totally agree with you, Britt. The
Speaker 2: only thing that I would say to kind of elaborate
Speaker 2: on that is if you have photos on your Instagram
Speaker 2: which are extremely cuply I you're making out with each
Speaker 2: other or like, I don't know, just say, oh my god,
Speaker 2: I love You're never gonna love anybody like I love you.
Speaker 2: If you're someone who really proclaims their love of public,
Speaker 2: if you're someone who really proclaims their love on social media,
Speaker 2: then maybe there are a few that you might want
Speaker 2: to curate and remove, you know, purely because it might
Speaker 2: make a future partner feel jealous. But you know, it's
Speaker 2: not a necessity. It's definitely not something that you have
Speaker 2: to do. And I am exactly in the same thought
Speaker 2: as I'm exactly in the same boat and way of
Speaker 2: thinking as brit that you know, these people are a
Speaker 2: part of your life, They're a part of your identity,
Speaker 2: they're a part of your history, and you don't have
Speaker 2: to absolutely scrap and totally clean the slate for every
Speaker 2: new person that comes along. I mean, I have photos
Speaker 2: of my ex boyfriends on Facebook. I mean I don't
Speaker 2: really use Facebook that much anymore, but I have photos
Speaker 2: of them, like they're all there if I ever want
Speaker 2: to go back and look at them, because I would
Speaker 2: hate to completely remove fifteen years of my life that
Speaker 2: I've shared and that have shaped me.
Speaker 3: But in saying that, there are some relationships who I
Speaker 3: still have some resentment towards the person because of the
Speaker 3: way that they treated me and because the way that
Speaker 3: things ended, And they're people who I don't really want
Speaker 3: to remember. They're photos I don't want to reflect on,
Speaker 3: and they're not memories that make me feel happy because
Speaker 3: of you know, even though of course there were great
Speaker 3: times in our relationship, it was very much clouded by the.
Speaker 2: Toxicity that was going on. So for my own mental health,
Speaker 2: they're the ones that I delete and remove entirely. But
Speaker 2: I think it's been a year. Everyone expects you to
Speaker 2: have history everyone expects you to have a past. Any
Speaker 2: new partner who finds that intimidating has some issues of
Speaker 2: themselves to deal with. So I think it's totally fine
Speaker 2: to keep photos of your X on your Instagram. Yeah,
Speaker 2: for an example. Actually, I was just thinking about this
Speaker 2: as you were saying that my partner of eight years
Speaker 2: we ended. I've said that before. We ended really well,
Speaker 2: we just grew apart and nothing happened. Were amicable. When
Speaker 2: I moved on to my only other real relationship. He
Speaker 2: was the sociopath. I remember him saying, delete every single
Speaker 2: photo of him. Delete it. I don't want to see it,
Speaker 2: don't know about it, I shouldn't have to see it.
Speaker 2: And I thank the Lord. I was at a young age,
Speaker 2: vulnerable age, but I was strong enough to say, well,
Speaker 2: hang on, no, I don't want to do that, because
Speaker 2: he was really pushing me to delete them. And this
Speaker 2: was back when like don't you don't have a backup,
Speaker 2: you don't have like hard drives and things. Back then,
Speaker 2: it was just like stef on. If I deleted those,
Speaker 2: it would have lost them forever. He wanted me to
Speaker 2: wipe out eight years, my whole teenage life into my
Speaker 2: early twenties of I was with this guy every day.
Speaker 2: We did so much together. We traveled the world, we
Speaker 2: moved cities, we bought houses, and he wanted me to
Speaker 2: wipe that. I said no. He finally got on board,
Speaker 2: and what it ended up happening was two years later
Speaker 2: when I found he was a psycho, I wiped him.
Speaker 2: I deleted like everything of him because he brought me
Speaker 2: nothing but pain, whereas the first relationship brought me nothing
Speaker 2: but like fond, amazing memories. So I think this is
Speaker 2: a really important lesson in that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's a reflection of insecurity if somebody is
Speaker 3: making you remove a whole chunk of your past.
Speaker 2: I think.
Speaker 3: I do think that it's important to kind of draw
Speaker 3: a line in the sand with like photos that are provocative,
Speaker 3: though like, for example, I don't want to see photos
Speaker 3: in Matt's phone of his ex girlfriend topless, not interested.
Speaker 3: Delete them, put them somewhere where I'm never going to
Speaker 3: see them, Put them somewhere away, hopefully you're never going
Speaker 3: to see them.
Speaker 2: No, that sort of stuff. I think that there are
Speaker 2: definitely some things that, out of respect for your partner
Speaker 2: and respect for your current relationship, you definitely would delete
Speaker 2: from your phone. But if it's just photo of your
Speaker 2: past and photos of you together, then like that's so fine.
Speaker 2: Question number two. I just want to say that I
Speaker 2: also agree with that. I don't mean like, keep topless photos, dude,
Speaker 2: that's Shit's not cool.
Speaker 1: I mean like, here we are at the Eiffel Tower.
Speaker 2: Here we are in front of our photo, like there's
Speaker 2: no there's no need. I mean, like, I think that
Speaker 2: a lot of people might keep a random photo by accident,
Speaker 2: Like it's that's totally excusable behavior.
Speaker 3: But if you're like partner has a folder of photos
Speaker 3: of their ex girlfriend. Okay, so this is my story, so.
Speaker 2: Tell me so the guy who I deleted from my
Speaker 2: life entirely, who I said that my whole relationship was
Speaker 2: shrouded in toxicity. We had broken up, gotten back together.
Speaker 2: I've talked about him loads on this podcast. We were
Speaker 2: away in Bali after just getting back together for like
Speaker 2: the seventh time in a year, so ridiculous. We've gone
Speaker 2: to Bali as a holiday together. I had found out
Speaker 2: that he cheated on me. I had forgiven him, we had.
Speaker 3: Decided to start again fresh, and I had said to him,
Speaker 3: I was like, if there is because he was a
Speaker 3: compulsive sexter, basically, he would so he would use different
Speaker 3: like social networking platforms, so he for example, Viba used
Speaker 3: to be a big thing a while back, and obviously
Speaker 3: it was texting, but you could get in contact with
Speaker 3: people who weren't necessarily in your core contact, so you
Speaker 3: could be contacting strangers. And I found him sexting a.
Speaker 2: Whole lot of girls from Viber and I saw all
Speaker 2: the messages and I saw all the photos, and anyway,
Speaker 2: I forgave him.
Speaker 3: We decided to go to Bali on holiday to kind
Speaker 3: of refix our relationship, rekindle things, get back to a
Speaker 3: good place. And when we were over there, I'd said
Speaker 3: to him, if there is anything in your phone, anything,
Speaker 3: And this is the time when I was crazy and
Speaker 3: I used to go through his phone. I was like,
Speaker 3: if there's anything in your phone at all that's incriminating,
Speaker 3: this is your opportunity to do a deep dive and
Speaker 3: delete it. I was like, I'm giving you three hours,
Speaker 3: go go right back to the beginning of time.
Speaker 2: Guy, like, do it. Anyway, So I had given him
Speaker 2: that opportunity, Like you know, we had had a really
Speaker 2: beautiful week and then I was laying on the beach
Speaker 2: reading an article on my phone, and there was this
Speaker 2: article that was about and it literally just came up.
Speaker 2: This was totally serendipitous, and it was about this calculator
Speaker 2: which is a fake app. Basically, it looks like a calculator.
Speaker 2: It's called Calculator Plus and it looks like a calculator.
Speaker 2: But what you do is you open it. You can
Speaker 2: use it like a normal calculator, or if you know
Speaker 2: that it's a fake app, you type in a certain
Speaker 2: code and it opens up a photo vault. Shut the
Speaker 2: front door. I swear on my life, the door is
Speaker 2: why fucking open?
Speaker 1: What the heck?
Speaker 2: I have never heard of that. Yeah, so calculator Plus
Speaker 2: and I just had this feeling. I was like, that's
Speaker 2: something that this sleazy little fucker would do. My ex
Speaker 2: boyfriend just told me he really liked mathematics. It all
Speaker 2: makes sense now. I was like, I bet you. Because
Speaker 2: he was so good at lying, he was so good
Speaker 2: at hiding stuff. I was like, I bet you he
Speaker 2: has this. And we had an open phone policy, so
Speaker 2: I was like, hey, babe, pass me your phone. So
Speaker 2: he passed me his phone and I of course he did,
Speaker 2: because you had a secret calculator app.
Speaker 3: And I was like, okay, so let's talk about this
Speaker 3: app that clearly has all your photos hidden and it
Speaker 3: put your password in and he wouldn't do it.
Speaker 2: He refused, Oh my god, Laura, and stupidly like, I
Speaker 2: hate myself in saying this because we stayed together for
Speaker 2: quite a while after that, even after that, after another time,
Speaker 2: you always give me a hard time about my redflower. Dude,
Speaker 2: I lert my lessons hardcore with this guy. But yeah,
Speaker 2: like so I think that you know, there are some
Speaker 2: people that hold onto these things as trophies. They hold
Speaker 2: onto these things as reminders, and personally, I don't think
Speaker 2: that you should hold onto nude photos of your ex. God, no,
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: That's anyone.
Speaker 2: No one should be doing that. Good. I'm glad. I'm glad.
Speaker 1: I'm not crazy.
Speaker 2: Thank you for validating. Was a really long story, and
Speaker 2: that really brought up some suppressed trauma. And everyone, go
Speaker 2: and check your partners for calculators Calculative plus guys. I
Speaker 2: hope that doesn't blow some shit out of the water
Speaker 2: for you all. I'm mind blown. I thought I would
Speaker 2: have not. I thought I knew everything about that stuff.
Speaker 2: I thought I had told you every story I had
Speaker 2: in the bank. Now there's another one. I reckon, there's
Speaker 2: so many still that you've just buried. It will slowly
Speaker 2: come out me too, slowly as the trauma bills more things.
Speaker 2: It's like suppressed memories going to a therapist. I start
Speaker 2: talking about my childhood. All right, okay, question number two.
Speaker 2: All right, ladies, I have a real doozy for you,
Speaker 2: real pickle dick. Yeah, and it is. This one's a
Speaker 2: pickle dick.
Speaker 1: Oh see what I did there?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Thanks? It was strong, it was yeah deep, yeah,
Speaker 2: thanks my boyfriend and I was right into the sunset. Brittany.
Speaker 2: It was just a pun. Get excited, be my cheer girl.
Speaker 2: My boyfriend and I have been together for two point
Speaker 2: five years. Also, for the past six to nine months,
Speaker 2: I have been feeling that this relationship just isn't right.
Speaker 2: I finally had the perfect excuse to end it. He
Speaker 2: majorly fucked up. It ended in a huge argument, and
Speaker 2: I was so relieved that I finally had an out. Anyway,
Speaker 2: a few weeks later, I got very sick, and what
Speaker 2: do you know, I'm prego prego, and the ego I
Speaker 2: just thought, all right, I'm pregnant. I'll just give this
Speaker 2: guy a chance to see if his behavior changes. Maybe
Speaker 2: he'll grow up and act like a contributing member of
Speaker 2: our team slash relationship. One reason I had been so
Speaker 2: unhappy in our relationship was because I felt like we
Speaker 2: weren't on the same page. I was desperate for kids
Speaker 2: and to start a real life together, and he seemed
Speaker 2: perfectly happy to just continue on our way, not progressing
Speaker 2: the relationship at all. So I told him about the
Speaker 2: impending baby growing and he was shocked, but he was
Speaker 2: also really happy that we were back together. Things were
Speaker 2: great again for a few weeks, and now here we are.
Speaker 2: I'm nearly twelve weeks pregnant, and he has gone straight
Speaker 2: back to being selfish and in considerate, basically exactly how
Speaker 2: he was before I broke the news. I'm keen to
Speaker 2: tell our parents and our close family members, Yet he
Speaker 2: doesn't really even acknowledge the fact that I'm pregnant, and
Speaker 2: he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone. He
Speaker 2: doesn't want to tell anyone. I get the feeling like
Speaker 2: he really isn't into it, and I feel like he
Speaker 2: thinks I'm just a convenient person to have around. We're
Speaker 2: both from families where our parents are still together and
Speaker 2: our siblings have all been married before having children and
Speaker 2: done things the right way. I'm feeling very much. I'm
Speaker 2: just gonna chime in, there's no right way babies to
Speaker 2: get married, whatever the fuck you want to. I'm feeling
Speaker 2: very much like we should not be together. But I
Speaker 2: one hundred percent of keeping this baby. But also I
Speaker 2: don't want to be a single parent either. He really
Speaker 2: is a great guy, deep down. He's from a beautiful family.
Speaker 2: He just acts like a child.
Speaker 1: Literally.
Speaker 2: His mother cooks for him, she cleans the room, she
Speaker 2: does his watching. He just expects it and he loves it,
Speaker 2: and he doesn't want anything different. I just don't know
Speaker 2: what to do. I'm feeling very lost and alone at
Speaker 2: the moment because I haven't told anyone about this pregnancy
Speaker 2: yet either. Any advice helps. What the hell do I do? Oh?
Speaker 3: Man, this is so hard. This is an awful situation
Speaker 3: to be in. But I think, ooh, okay, let's summa.
Speaker 3: There's a few things here, And the first thing that
Speaker 3: stands out to me is that if you've made the
Speaker 3: decision one hundred percent that you want to have this baby,
Speaker 3: there is definitely a part of that where you need
Speaker 3: to also make that decision that there is a good
Speaker 3: chance that you'll be doing on your own. I think
Speaker 3: that like regardless, like, having a partner is not a guarantee,
Speaker 3: you need to have a child because you are happy
Speaker 3: to be a parent and bring that child up regardless
Speaker 3: of the situation, regardless of whether or not your partner
Speaker 3: is fully checked in or fully checked out. The other
Speaker 3: thing I want to say is if your relationship is
Speaker 3: really hard now before you've had a baby, your relationship
Speaker 3: once you had that baby is going to be even harder.
Speaker 3: Because children are like they put relationships under a microscope
Speaker 3: and they really like it's like a pressure cookery.
Speaker 2: They amplify everything. They amplify the good bits, they amplify
Speaker 2: the they amplify the love, they amplify the wonderful bits,
Speaker 2: but they also amplify all the bits that drive you
Speaker 2: crazy about your partner. They really bring out the best
Speaker 2: and the worst in each other. And so if you
Speaker 2: are already at a point where you don't think that
Speaker 2: you can be with this person, if you're already at
Speaker 2: a point where this person doesn't support you, doesn't treat
Speaker 2: either way that you deserve to be treated. Then he's
Speaker 2: not going to change necessarily just because there's a child
Speaker 2: in the room. If anything, I think that there's a
Speaker 2: good chance that it'll be worse, not better once this
Speaker 2: baby comes along. Yeah, this is a really, really tough one.
Speaker 2: And I do feel for you because it sounds like
Speaker 2: you've wanted the child for a long time and I'm
Speaker 2: super congrats, happy for you. Like Laura said, just to
Speaker 2: sort of just to extend that a little bit if
Speaker 2: you're having this baby, because you hope that in any
Speaker 2: way it's a band aid and then it's going to
Speaker 2: help fix what your your relationship. Like Laura said, it's not.
Speaker 2: Babies are never band aids. They, like Lauria said, they
Speaker 2: amplify problems. It's very stressful, you're always tired. It's not
Speaker 2: going to be like going on a holiday and renewing
Speaker 2: your relationship. What I do want to say is, and
Speaker 2: I am perpetually the optimistic. I do want to try
Speaker 2: and see best in most situations. But I have seen
Speaker 2: it before in people's in my life and my friends
Speaker 2: that I know have been in similar situations. When you
Speaker 2: have a child, it can change people. It can Finally,
Speaker 2: this might actually be what it takes once the baby's
Speaker 2: here for him to pull his finger out and take
Speaker 2: some responsibility and step up to the plate. This may
Speaker 2: there's a chance he's like, Okay, shit, I love this
Speaker 2: new human being fiercely, and I'm going to step up
Speaker 2: and be here for you and the child. There's also
Speaker 2: a huge chance he runs through the hills because it
Speaker 2: sounds like responsibility is not his forte.
Speaker 3: Yes, there is always a chance. There's always gray and
Speaker 3: variables to the entire spectrum of this situation, and there
Speaker 3: is a chance that he will step up and be
Speaker 3: a great dad. Does that mean that he'll step up
Speaker 3: and be a great partner? Not necessarily.
Speaker 2: If he's never proven it before, then I doubt very
Speaker 2: strongly that he's going to just have a full on
Speaker 2: point eighty flip and turn into the person that you
Speaker 2: want him to be. There will have to be some
Speaker 2: level of acceptance of him being the person that he is.
Speaker 2: And if you are taking.
Speaker 3: Care of a child, having to then take on all
Speaker 3: the extra work of taking care of a child and
Speaker 3: taking care of a man child is a hell of
Speaker 3: a lot of work that you have in front of you,
Speaker 3: And like that could be something that's very hard. The
Speaker 3: other thing I want to say is there's a lot
Speaker 3: of stigma around being a single mum, and I think
Speaker 3: that society still places that stigma around women who end
Speaker 3: up being single or who've chosen to be single parents.
Speaker 3: And from all of the single parents who I've spoken
Speaker 3: to and who I know, and you know, I do
Speaker 3: another podcast which is a mother identity podcast, and I've
Speaker 3: interviewed loads of single parents and single moms. It is
Speaker 3: not as bad as what society makes you think it is.
Speaker 3: And it is much better to be a single mum
Speaker 3: than to be in a shit relationship with a shit
Speaker 3: partner who doesn't take care of you and doesn't support
Speaker 3: you and doesn't love you and doesn't make you feel
Speaker 3: like you're a team. So if you have made this
Speaker 3: decision that you want to have this baby, then this
Speaker 3: is your life and this is something that's really wonderful
Speaker 3: and should be celebrated. But remember that no relationship is
Speaker 3: a guarantee.
Speaker 2: I would also like to highlight when you said that
Speaker 2: he's a really great person.
Speaker 1: And.
Speaker 2: What your problem is now is that you're worried about
Speaker 2: how he's going to be when the baby comes. My
Speaker 2: advice would be if things are okay now and they're happy.
Speaker 2: Don't worry about what's going to happen yet. Just get
Speaker 2: through it and deal with it when it comes. Because
Speaker 2: you can't end something now because of the potentially someone's
Speaker 2: going to act a certain way. I think you need
Speaker 2: to stick it out now if he starts to treat
Speaker 2: you terribly and you're unhappy. Of course, we all know
Speaker 2: that you can take control and leave any situation, but
Speaker 2: I think we as humans, especially women, we really get
Speaker 2: into this habit of like what if this happens, and
Speaker 2: we fret about the future, and we stress about the future.
Speaker 2: But I think it's really important to take every day
Speaker 2: as it comes. Prepare for the future. Of course you
Speaker 2: have to. You're having a baby, and make sure he's
Speaker 2: on board with that. Don't leave a situation now because
Speaker 2: you're worried about something that might happen in six months time.
Speaker 3: I guess the other thing to kind of touch on
Speaker 3: is like, we don't know what the big thing was
Speaker 3: that was reason enough for you to break up with him,
Speaker 3: but I kind of I mean, I have two more
Speaker 3: things I want to say, but one of them is
Speaker 3: that you never need a big reason to break up
Speaker 3: with someone. If you're unhappy, you don't have to wait
Speaker 3: for them to screw up to feel like your reasons
Speaker 3: for not wanting to be with someone is validated.
Speaker 2: You are allowed and.
Speaker 3: Entitled to make those decisions and change your life at
Speaker 3: any point along the journey if you're unhappy, especially if
Speaker 3: you've been communicating that you're unhappy along the way as well.
Speaker 3: The last thing I want to say and to be,
Speaker 3: you know, more positive about the situation, because I guess
Speaker 3: like I have been doom and gloom, but.
Speaker 2: I'm high because I haven't slept because I have a kid.
Speaker 2: Is that having a child.
Speaker 3: As much as it puts an enormous amount of pressure
Speaker 3: on your relationship, it can also be a really galvanizing
Speaker 3: force for your relationship. And I think it's really one
Speaker 3: of those things in life that makes or break a family.
Speaker 3: It makes or breaks a relationship. And you know, there
Speaker 3: are people and there are families that make it all
Speaker 3: the way. And just because they've made it to the
Speaker 3: very ripe old age of whatever it is sitting in
Speaker 3: a nursing home, doesn't mean that they haven't encountered their
Speaker 3: own hurdles and their own challenges along the way. Every
Speaker 3: single relationship has its own hurdles. Every single relationship has
Speaker 3: its challenges, and like Britney said, you can't foresee what's going.
Speaker 2: To happen in the future.
Speaker 3: You just have to make the best choices that are
Speaker 3: presented in front of you now, and then if things
Speaker 3: change further down the track, then you make new choices
Speaker 3: that better set you up to be as happy as
Speaker 3: you possibly can be and also take care of your
Speaker 3: child and the best way that you possibly can.
Speaker 2: Good luck, good luck. This is what I want to
Speaker 2: get back from this one. Yeah, you want another an
Speaker 2: update down the track? Actually every so often, I think
Speaker 2: this is something that we need to do. I want
Speaker 2: updates guys, like if you've been listening to this podcast
Speaker 2: for however long over a year now and we have
Speaker 2: answered some of your questions, Oh, you could all get
Speaker 2: back to us and tell us if their advice is okay?
Speaker 3: And what happened? How did it all end up? Did
Speaker 3: you marry the guy? Didn't you marry the guy? Did
Speaker 3: he find out that you cheated? I want to know
Speaker 3: tell me the goss.
Speaker 2: I'm waiting to hear back about Tuesday's episode. This week,
Speaker 2: you know how someone wrote to my friend and said,
Speaker 2: I want to see your ear before I date you.
Speaker 2: I'm waiting to hear back to see if she went
Speaker 2: on the date and be she sent the ear. But
Speaker 2: she sent the ear.
Speaker 3: Can you please send the photo to me so that
Speaker 3: we can post it online.
Speaker 2: I'll keep you posted.
Speaker 1: All right, Let's jump into the next one.
Speaker 2: This will be the last one, because these have been
Speaker 2: some pretty big, heavy questions. This is a light one.
Speaker 2: I'm scared it's not. It's a heavy Today's a heavy day.
Speaker 2: But I can't I can give advice on this, for sure,
Speaker 2: but I can't give advice from a place of experience.
Speaker 2: So this one's for you. Question number three hit me, Okay,
Speaker 2: I really need some advice on how to handle an
Speaker 2: extremely delicate situation. My sister in law very recently suffered
Speaker 2: an early miscarriage after years of trying to conceive her
Speaker 2: first child. She was so excited to finally feel pregnant
Speaker 2: and shared her news with me and others pretty much
Speaker 2: as soon as she found out. We were also thrilled
Speaker 2: for her, so when she miscarried just a couple of
Speaker 2: weeks later, it was really devastating. Now here's where it
Speaker 2: gets tricky. I have just found out myself that I
Speaker 2: am pregnant with my third after a relatively quick journey
Speaker 2: to conceive. The day before she miscarried is when I
Speaker 2: found out. I don't know how to approach it. I
Speaker 2: don't want to be insensitive. I'm obviously not ready to
Speaker 2: share the news just yet myself. But when the time comes,
Speaker 2: how do you think I best handle this without upsetting
Speaker 2: and offending her? I do feel really guilty in a
Speaker 2: way at the thought of announcing anything that is remotely
Speaker 2: happy on my end, knowing she has just gone through
Speaker 2: something like this. It's giving me anxiety. Yeah, this is
Speaker 2: really hard. It's a tough one.
Speaker 3: My advice, I mean, and I only have this advice
Speaker 3: from somebody who has had fertility issues themselves and has
Speaker 3: had miscarriages. And when I had my miscarriage the first one,
Speaker 3: my sister had her baby Archer like my nephew, and
Speaker 3: she would bring him to work every single day, and
Speaker 3: there was never a period where she even thought or
Speaker 3: we even discussed like maybe I didn't want to see him,
Speaker 3: like maybe I didn't want to be around a baby
Speaker 3: that day, because it made me feel really reminded of
Speaker 3: what was happening to myself. But I think people who
Speaker 3: have fertility loss, and this is very general speaking. I'm
Speaker 3: sure that there is a full spectrum of feelings towards this,
Speaker 3: but I think that people who have fertility loss can
Speaker 3: often feel very isolated because people don't want to include
Speaker 3: them in their happiness. So people don't want to tell
Speaker 3: them that they're pregnant. People don't want to feel like
Speaker 3: they're rubbing it in their face, and so instead they
Speaker 3: actually exclude them from that, and that in itself can
Speaker 3: make the situation even worse. I think that the best
Speaker 3: way to approach this is when you are ready to
Speaker 3: tell people, tell her first and sit her down and
Speaker 3: say exactly how you feel, and that you do feel
Speaker 3: terrible that you're not able to share this experience together,
Speaker 3: but that you know you like you want her to
Speaker 3: be included in your pregnancy journey because it's something that's
Speaker 3: important to you and that you love her. And I
Speaker 3: think that you can't stop the fact that she's going
Speaker 3: to be hurt. You can't stop the fact that it's
Speaker 3: going to be hard for her, But I think that
Speaker 3: there will be a part of her that is very
Speaker 3: grateful that you included her in that as well, and
Speaker 3: that she doesn't feel isolated and left out, because having
Speaker 3: a miscarriage and having fertility struggles is isolating and lonely enough.
Speaker 3: I really strongly agree with what you said about Sometimes
Speaker 3: when people dance around a delicate situation or a delicate
Speaker 3: subject topic discussion, it can make it worse because the
Speaker 3: person that you're trying to protect all of a sudden feels.
Speaker 2: Like they almost feel more left out. They feel like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, and they feel silly, they feel stupid.
Speaker 2: I've been in that situation before where people haven't wanted
Speaker 2: to tell me something because they've been so happy and
Speaker 2: they've thought I was sad, and that made me more
Speaker 2: sad because I was like, I'm I love you, I'm
Speaker 2: happy for you, don't and you feel like there's something
Speaker 2: wrong with you. If if people kind of avoid situations
Speaker 2: like that and avoid inviting you to baby showers or
Speaker 2: avoid inviting you to birthday parties and things, because I
Speaker 2: think it's going to offend you. It's like you feel
Speaker 2: like there's something wrong with you. But then on top
Speaker 2: of that, you also feel like everyone's talking about you,
Speaker 2: which is worse. You know, I would prefer if somebody
Speaker 2: wasn't sure about how I felt about something. Ask me,
Speaker 2: don't ask other people about you know. I mean, obviously
Speaker 2: you can ask us like this is anonymous as well,
Speaker 2: but you know, I think just making sure that she
Speaker 2: feels included and supported and loved, and obviously her pain
Speaker 2: doesn't negate your happiness.
Speaker 3: They don't have to coexist as two separate things. She's
Speaker 3: allowed to be hurt and be happy for you at
Speaker 3: the exact same time. And both of those things are.
Speaker 2: Acceptable and beautiful, and you know, they're just part of
Speaker 2: the spectrum of life and feelings. And yeah, just allow
Speaker 2: her to feel the way that she feels, but also
Speaker 2: include her in your journey. I think that that is
Speaker 2: my absolute advice for this. She's absolutely she's your sister
Speaker 2: in law. She's absolutely gonna be thrilled you. She's gonna
Speaker 2: be happy, she's gonna love you, and she's gonna love
Speaker 2: the child. Yeah. Sure, in her own time, she's gonna
Speaker 2: have a hard time dealing with it because she has
Speaker 2: had her own loss. But like you just said, though
Speaker 2: she can she can do both of those. She will
Speaker 2: be strong enough to do both of those.
Speaker 1: Well.
Speaker 2: I think, yeah, I feel like we've answered that. I
Speaker 2: also feel like next week, you need to bring some
Speaker 2: lighthearted questions.
Speaker 1: Yes, this is a lot.
Speaker 2: It was a big week, but you know, we like
Speaker 2: to mix it up. We like to these are real
Speaker 2: problems that real people are experiencing, and I think sometimes
Speaker 2: we need to take a deep dive into some more
Speaker 2: serious things and other weeks we can have a laugh
Speaker 2: and it can be like a lighthearted problems, especially fertility,
Speaker 2: because I think it's you know, we are at that
Speaker 2: age now where these these issues are very common, and
Speaker 2: their conversations that you have amongst your girlfriends, and their
Speaker 2: conversations that come up all the time, and you know,
Speaker 2: it does sometimes feel like I even saw someone recently
Speaker 2: write in our Facebook group that it feels like everybody
Speaker 2: is having a pregnancy announcement. It feels like everyone is pregnant,
Speaker 2: and for someone who is struggling with fertility or maybe
Speaker 2: infer that feels like a constant slap in the face.
Speaker 2: And the one thing I want to say to that,
Speaker 2: which I did touch on when we did the miscarriage
Speaker 2: episode quite a while back, if anyone is going through
Speaker 2: that or knows somebody who is going through that, we
Speaker 2: really recommend that every woman listens to it because it's
Speaker 2: such an insight into something that is so common, very
Speaker 2: powerful episode.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just want to say that sometimes it can
Speaker 3: feel like everyone around you is having a happy pregnancy announcement.
Speaker 3: And that's because we don't talk about miscarriage enough. And
Speaker 3: you know, people don't often announce their pregnancies and also
Speaker 3: announce the fact that they've had three miscarriages in order
Speaker 3: to have their pregnancy. So keep in mind that sometimes
Speaker 3: you only see the highlight reel of what's happening in
Speaker 3: someone's life. You don't always see the struggles that everybody
Speaker 3: else is facing. I think sometimes remembering that puts things
Speaker 3: into perspective and makes you go, ah, okay, it doesn't
Speaker 3: feel like every single person around me is pregnant, because
Speaker 3: every single person encounters different struggles along that journey. Yeah,
Speaker 3: all right, we did it, alrighty guys, that is us.
Speaker 3: That is ask uncut for the week. We will be
Speaker 3: back next week with a big, juicy episode for you,
Speaker 3: and then we'll.
Speaker 2: Be answering your deep, dark and dirty questions again. And
Speaker 2: if you haven't already done it, then I've got a
Speaker 2: few housekeeping things for you to do. Guys. Number one,
Speaker 2: go and leave us a review. Just jump onto Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 2: tell your friends all that stuff. Number two is to
Speaker 2: go and join our Facebook group which is Life Uncut Podcast.
Speaker 2: You can also put your questions for Ask Uncut up
Speaker 2: there if they're not super personal and you don't need
Speaker 2: to keep the mononymous. Lots of people like to share
Speaker 2: their questions and the community that we have been building
Speaker 2: are so amazing and they'll get behind it and they
Speaker 2: will answer these questions for you as well. And number
Speaker 2: three is I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go watch The Bachelor.
Speaker 1: Ceasing.
Speaker 2: Guys, share the love because we love love.
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