1 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:09,360 Speaker 1: Do you trust your kids, like really trust them, not 2 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,760 Speaker 1: in terms of will they do the things they say 3 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,000 Speaker 1: they're going to do, but that they are going to 4 00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:19,920 Speaker 1: develop into a healthy, happy, well developed human. That's the 5 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,600 Speaker 1: topic of today's podcast. Welcome to The Happy Family's podcast, 6 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:27,160 Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions every Day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. 7 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,440 Speaker 1: My name is doctor Justin Couson. Normally I have Kylie 8 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 1: with me, but unfortunately today for this Doctor's Desk episode, 9 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,920 Speaker 1: I'm flying solo. Today we're going to be talking about 10 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,479 Speaker 1: one of the most powerful shifts that you can make 11 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: as a parent. It's learning to trust your child's natural development. 12 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,520 Speaker 1: This comes from an older study. It's actually almost twenty 13 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:51,479 Speaker 1: years old, from two thousand and eight. A research by 14 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:56,200 Speaker 1: the name of Renee Landry at McGill University did some 15 00:00:56,240 --> 00:01:00,320 Speaker 1: work with some other people including Richard Kasner, Genevieve You 16 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:04,200 Speaker 1: and Mide Jusmi. Lots of French names because of the 17 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,800 Speaker 1: area in France that we're talking about, and it's looking 18 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 1: at this thing called trust in organismic development, autonomy, support 19 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,680 Speaker 1: and adaptation among mothers and their children. I'm so sorry 20 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,199 Speaker 1: for all the big words. Here's what we're dealing with here. 21 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,440 Speaker 1: This is a mindset that can transform your parenting experience 22 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:23,400 Speaker 1: and your child's outcomes. I promise no more big words. 23 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 1: So here's what the research shows. Let's just start there. Really, simply, 24 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:31,000 Speaker 1: a handful of research is at McGill UNI studied hundreds 25 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,679 Speaker 1: of mums over a number of years so that they 26 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:39,199 Speaker 1: could understand how parental beliefs about child development affect both 27 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 1: parents and kids. And here's what they found. Parents who 28 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:48,240 Speaker 1: trust that children naturally develop at their own pace, rather 29 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:52,960 Speaker 1: than needing constant intervention and acceleration, like my child needs 30 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:58,600 Speaker 1: all of this extra training. The parents who just trusted 31 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: that their children would naturally devel about their own pace 32 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:05,480 Speaker 1: had better mental health and felt more competent as parents. 33 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,520 Speaker 1: In other words, the parents were thriving because they were 34 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,960 Speaker 1: relaxed that their children were going to develop healthily and 35 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 1: safely and appropriately. And here's the kicker for me, their 36 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:20,519 Speaker 1: children showed fewer behavior problems across time. So we're using 37 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:25,160 Speaker 1: observational methods following families for years and even comparing across 38 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:28,000 Speaker 1: cultures to understand what's going on. So let's talk about 39 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 1: this idea of trust in development because this is the 40 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,079 Speaker 1: crux of it. This is what we're really talking about here. 41 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:37,280 Speaker 1: Trust in organismic development is not about saying, well, I 42 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 1: trust that the kids will be fine, so I'm going 43 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 1: to have a hands off, permissive approach. Instead, it's about 44 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:47,440 Speaker 1: believing that children have an innate drive to grow and 45 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:51,480 Speaker 1: learn and progress and develop a sense of mastery to 46 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,000 Speaker 1: know how to navigate their environment. Well, no one teaches 47 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,600 Speaker 1: a baby how to smile or sit up or take 48 00:02:56,639 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 1: the first steps right. These things unfold naturally. They unfogged 49 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: when the child is ready, same with speaking, or even 50 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:07,920 Speaker 1: running or climbing up and down a ladder or a slide. 51 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:13,240 Speaker 1: Trust means accepting as well that development isn't linear. So 52 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,400 Speaker 1: some kids will say their first word at nine months, 53 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 1: some kids will say their first word at nineteen months. 54 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:21,240 Speaker 1: Some might even wait until twenty nine months before they 55 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 1: start talking. And for the most part, while this might 56 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,560 Speaker 1: some of these might deviate a little bit from what's typical, 57 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,560 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that we need to be panicking and 58 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,080 Speaker 1: thinking that our child has a problem. We've got this 59 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 1: wide and diverse way that children develop at age one. 60 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 1: We know that some toddlers understand let's say ten words. 61 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 1: We know that other toddlers understand seventy five words. So 62 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 1: when you trust development, you're not constantly comparing your child 63 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,920 Speaker 1: to others or panicking about timelines. You're confident that your 64 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 1: child is going to reach milestones when they're developmentally ready, 65 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 1: not when a chart or even a health nurse says 66 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:08,520 Speaker 1: that they should. Unfortunately, we're constantly comparing. We're constantly worried 67 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,280 Speaker 1: about whether our child is or is not going to 68 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: be okay. So after the break, I want to talk 69 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,240 Speaker 1: about the stress trap of controlling parenting, because that's what 70 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:19,880 Speaker 1: these researchers really pointed to, and then how we can 71 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:30,480 Speaker 1: parent with trust. Do you trust that your child is 72 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 1: going to develop naturally and healthily or do you feel 73 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,839 Speaker 1: like you need to intervene? Do you need to step 74 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 1: in with control all the time or are you happy 75 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:40,279 Speaker 1: to sit back and be supportive where you're required. When 76 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 1: we don't trust natural development, we fall into what researchers 77 00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:50,600 Speaker 1: would typically call controlling parenting. Controlling parenting looks like this, 78 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,080 Speaker 1: We push kids to accomplish tasks they're not ready for. 79 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,040 Speaker 1: We constantly worry about whether we're doing enough and whether 80 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 1: they're doing enough, and we as parents feel completely ric 81 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,840 Speaker 1: responsible for every aspect of their progress. Think about that 82 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,120 Speaker 1: list again and ask yourself, where do I land on this? 83 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,640 Speaker 1: Am I pushing my child to accomplish tasks that they 84 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 1: may not be ready for? Am I always worried about 85 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,279 Speaker 1: whether I'm doing enough or they're doing enough? And do 86 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,920 Speaker 1: I feel responsible for every aspect of their progress? If 87 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,040 Speaker 1: you do, that means that you're going to experience a 88 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,400 Speaker 1: whole lot of stress in your life and you will 89 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:31,280 Speaker 1: actually hinder your child's development. That's the stress trap of 90 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:35,080 Speaker 1: controlling parenting. So basically what happens here is controlling parents 91 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:39,480 Speaker 1: often become what Landry in this study, what they call 92 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 1: ego involved. So your child's performance becomes about how you're 93 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: doing as a parent, which means that you're much more 94 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: likely to micro manage, much more likely to overstimulate, much 95 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 1: more likely to intervene constantly, which ironically and paradoxically prevents 96 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,240 Speaker 1: your child from developing the very self regulation and zic 97 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,800 Speaker 1: motivation skills that they need so that they can be 98 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:06,120 Speaker 1: genuinely successful. One of my favorite studies was conducted in 99 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:10,680 Speaker 1: nineteen eighty four by Wendy Grolnick. She gets these one 100 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,840 Speaker 1: year Odds and their mums to do this simple shape 101 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:16,719 Speaker 1: sorting activity. Do you remember those Fisher price that like 102 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,240 Speaker 1: the yellow tube with the blue lidle on the top, 103 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 1: and all the shapes are in there, and you tip 104 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,240 Speaker 1: the shapes out, put the blue liddle on, and then 105 00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 1: you've got to stick the shapes back through the lid. 106 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:29,400 Speaker 1: That's essentially what the task was. And as Gronic and 107 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,560 Speaker 1: her colleagues and Frodi and Lisa Bridges, as they watched 108 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:37,919 Speaker 1: these these mums guide their children to complete the task, 109 00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:40,640 Speaker 1: they just saw that some parents were really ego involved. 110 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 1: Some parents were super controlling. That is, they were pushing 111 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,720 Speaker 1: the kids to accomplish the task that might have been 112 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 1: just a bit beyond them because they were only one. 113 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 1: They were definitely worried about whether they were doing enough 114 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,160 Speaker 1: and where the kids were performing enough, and they felt 115 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,160 Speaker 1: like they were responsible if they were controlling parents. But 116 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,760 Speaker 1: then there were these other parents who were really trusting. 117 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,159 Speaker 1: They sat back, They didn't just let the kids do 118 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,320 Speaker 1: whatever they wanted. They still provided frameworks and guidance, but 119 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 1: they just let the kids sort of figure things out 120 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 1: with a little bit of input were required. What was 121 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,040 Speaker 1: curious about this is at the end of the activity, 122 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,080 Speaker 1: the mums are used to go and stand over by 123 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:16,720 Speaker 1: the wall for another couple of minutes while the kids 124 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,400 Speaker 1: are given a new toy to play with. The researchers 125 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 1: were interested in whether or not the kids would play 126 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,440 Speaker 1: with the new toy, and if so, for how long 127 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 1: and in what way. And overwhelmingly, what they found was 128 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 1: that the parents who were controlling, the parents who had 129 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 1: that level of ego involvement, the parents who with the 130 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,360 Speaker 1: best of intentions one of their children to do really, 131 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 1: really well. Their kids would look at the new toy, 132 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: then they'd look at mum, and then they'd crawl across 133 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,520 Speaker 1: the room to mum. They didn't know what to do 134 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: with the toy. It's like they needed mum to help them. 135 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: And that's what the research shows, right, the controlling approach backfires. 136 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 1: Kids with controlling parents actually shown more behavioral problems and 137 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:00,560 Speaker 1: they struggle more with self motivation, like less task assistance, 138 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:06,280 Speaker 1: less curiosity. The kids whose mums were supportive but not controlling, well, 139 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 1: they just sat with the new toy and play. They 140 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,400 Speaker 1: looked at mum and smiled every now and again, and 141 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,240 Speaker 1: then they played with the new toy. They were creative, 142 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: they were trying to figure it all out. So let's 143 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,560 Speaker 1: wrap this up with probably the most important question of 144 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 1: all that comes out of this Landry two thousand and 145 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,880 Speaker 1: eight study, how do your parent with trust? Especially when 146 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,440 Speaker 1: we're in this world where there's so much pressure, so 147 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 1: much expectation that your children are going to grow up 148 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,120 Speaker 1: to fulfilled their potential by the time they're nine or 149 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,840 Speaker 1: twelve or seventeen, which is just so unfair on the kids. 150 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,800 Speaker 1: Trusting development looks like the thing that I wrote about 151 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,520 Speaker 1: in my book The Parenting Revolution. It looks like need 152 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:47,199 Speaker 1: supportive or autonomy supportive parenting. So instead of pushing and controlling, 153 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 1: you provide four key ingredients. Here they are. This is 154 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,400 Speaker 1: the secret to the very best parenting, because it's parenting 155 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,520 Speaker 1: with trust. Number One, when you ask the kids to 156 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 1: do something, you give explanations, fear requists rather than demanding 157 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 1: blind obedience. And the reason you do that is because 158 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:05,880 Speaker 1: when they buy the why, then you're going to have 159 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 1: higher levels of compliance because they're going to integrate and 160 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:13,000 Speaker 1: identify with these ideas and therefore them much more likely 161 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:16,600 Speaker 1: to carry them out. Number Two, you're going to recognize 162 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,280 Speaker 1: your child's feelings and perspective. Now, this doesn't mean that 163 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,160 Speaker 1: you're going to go all gentle parent and you're going 164 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 1: to say, oh, you can feel whatever you like, and 165 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:25,560 Speaker 1: if you want to be angry, then you can be angry. 166 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,120 Speaker 1: Like you're still going to have limits, but you are 167 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 1: going to say this is really hard for you or 168 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 1: sometimes life's tough, like you're going to be compassionate and 169 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,199 Speaker 1: kind to your child. The third thing that you'll do 170 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,480 Speaker 1: is you're off choices where possible, and I want to 171 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,560 Speaker 1: be really clear about it. A choice is not would 172 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 1: you like to wear the green jumper or the red 173 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:48,360 Speaker 1: jumper today? That's manipulation, that's coercion, that's actually force. Choices 174 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,160 Speaker 1: are well, what do you think you'd like to do? 175 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:54,200 Speaker 1: And then the last point is that you minimize controlling 176 00:09:54,240 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 1: techniques like bribes and threats and pressure. When things get 177 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: tricky and you're starting to step into control, step back 178 00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:04,880 Speaker 1: and say, hang on a second, I don't want to 179 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 1: control you, but let's make sure that we understand why 180 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,240 Speaker 1: I'm asking you to do this. I know that you're 181 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,280 Speaker 1: not that keen on it. What do you think would 182 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:14,199 Speaker 1: be the best way for us to move forward? And 183 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,080 Speaker 1: you work with your kids rather than doing things to them. 184 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,160 Speaker 1: Let's go to little kids for a sec. If your 185 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,960 Speaker 1: toddler isn't walking yet, you don't drill them with walking practice. 186 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:27,920 Speaker 1: You provide safe opportunities that they can explore movement, and 187 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,280 Speaker 1: you trust that they'll walk when they're ready. And you 188 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,000 Speaker 1: can take that same principle and apply it at any 189 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:37,520 Speaker 1: age and for any situation. If your preschooler isn't reading, 190 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,000 Speaker 1: you don't give them extra special tutoring because they're three 191 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: or four and they're not reading. You just read together. 192 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,240 Speaker 1: You expose them to letters and words. You don't turn 193 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 1: it into forced lessons. You just show them that reading 194 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,679 Speaker 1: is great, and you trust that they'll get there. It's 195 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,920 Speaker 1: the same with teenagers and different activities. Participating in the house, 196 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,960 Speaker 1: you become a facilitator rather than a director. Your responsive 197 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:03,520 Speaker 1: to their interests. You follow their pace, and you support 198 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,719 Speaker 1: their natural curiosity instead of doing what so many of 199 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,840 Speaker 1: us do and imposing our own agender on things. This 200 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 1: is really the crux of what the study is. Now, 201 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:14,680 Speaker 1: there are two other things that I quickly want to 202 00:11:14,679 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: touch on. One was the cross cultural aspect. I think 203 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 1: this was really curious. The research showed that Norwegian mums 204 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 1: showed significantly higher trust in development than Canadian mums. They 205 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:27,560 Speaker 1: were the two cultures that were compared their rational their reason. 206 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,840 Speaker 1: Norway seems to provide a lot more parental support, long 207 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:35,120 Speaker 1: maternity leave, quality healthcare, stronger social safety nets than Canada. 208 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:39,319 Speaker 1: Australia is not doing fantastically well here. I would expect 209 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:43,000 Speaker 1: that we wouldn't be performing great here. Societies that support 210 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:47,520 Speaker 1: families give parents a whole lot less pressure to feel 211 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,560 Speaker 1: like they have to accelerate their children's development. Get them 212 00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: out the door, get them to school, get them learning, 213 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:54,199 Speaker 1: get them being the ducks of kindergarten. I think that 214 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,440 Speaker 1: there's a lot of anxiety about our kids progress, and 215 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,680 Speaker 1: that's not really about our kids. It's about the social 216 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:03,160 Speaker 1: pressure and the lack of support. And when we recognize this, 217 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,400 Speaker 1: we can start to separate things to properly be concerned 218 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,440 Speaker 1: about from cultural anxieties that we're told to be concerned about. 219 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,439 Speaker 1: But the practical benefits. This is where we're going to land. 220 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,480 Speaker 1: This is where we're going to stop. Parents who trust 221 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:18,240 Speaker 1: in their kids' natural development just have better outcomes. They 222 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,960 Speaker 1: report greater satisfaction and competence in their parenting role. They're 223 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,640 Speaker 1: less stressed because they're not constantly worried about whether the 224 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 1: child's behind. They're making a lot less social comparisons, which 225 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 1: protects them and it also protects their child from unnecessary anxiety, 226 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,520 Speaker 1: and the kids benefit as well. The kids develop better 227 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,400 Speaker 1: self regulation, they show more intrinsic motivation, they have fewer 228 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,600 Speaker 1: behavior problems. They learn to trust their own capabilities. Why 229 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:44,560 Speaker 1: because their parents are trusting them as well. So I 230 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 1: just want to emphasize this one more time. Trusting development 231 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,679 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you ignore genuine concerns. If you've got 232 00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:53,800 Speaker 1: a child who's showing significant delays, if you've got genuine worries, 233 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:59,079 Speaker 1: then you should absolutely consult health professionals. But if we're 234 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,679 Speaker 1: talking about typical creations in development, which can be really significant, 235 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,199 Speaker 1: then trust allows both you and your child to relax 236 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:10,280 Speaker 1: into the growth that is going to unfold naturally. Let's 237 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,839 Speaker 1: wrap this up. I think, based on the Landry two 238 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 1: thousand and eight study, which is one of my favorite 239 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:17,840 Speaker 1: studies of all time, that the most radical thing that 240 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,520 Speaker 1: you can do as a parent might actually be to 241 00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:24,760 Speaker 1: trust your child. Trust that they want to grow, trust 242 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,800 Speaker 1: they want to learn, Trust that they want to succeed. 243 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: And if they're not showing you those signs, like let's 244 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:33,600 Speaker 1: say you've got a really angry teenage son or a 245 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:37,920 Speaker 1: really ornerary teenage girl and they're not looking like they 246 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,200 Speaker 1: want to learn and grow and succeed. My question then 247 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: would be why what's going on in the environment that 248 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,360 Speaker 1: is taking away their desire? Because as humans, we have 249 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,240 Speaker 1: an inbuilt curiosity and it might be that they've lost 250 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:52,720 Speaker 1: motivation for certain things, but they're highly motivated for other things. Okay, 251 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,760 Speaker 1: So that means that one environment is supporting their learning 252 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 1: and growth and another environment is not, And we want 253 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,079 Speaker 1: to tap to what's going on there and help them 254 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,000 Speaker 1: to find the things that are valuable in the environments 255 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:09,000 Speaker 1: that matter the most. I think that's about it. Oh 256 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,360 Speaker 1: one more thing. I want you to trust that development 257 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,200 Speaker 1: will happen when your children are ready, not when they 258 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,439 Speaker 1: think they should be. I mean, a perfect case in 259 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 1: point is I hated high school, but I went back 260 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:23,360 Speaker 1: to school when I was twenty seven, and that's when 261 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:27,480 Speaker 1: I started my psychology career. Trust creates the space for 262 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 1: authentic development, and it transforms parenting from being a stress 263 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 1: filled job into just the most wonderful relationship where you 264 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 1: get to sit and enjoy supporting your child as they 265 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:43,160 Speaker 1: grow into whoever it is that they are supposed to be. 266 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 1: I really hope that you've enjoyed this insight. I think 267 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,000 Speaker 1: that this is one of those studies that we just 268 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,960 Speaker 1: don't talk enough about, and some principles that we don't 269 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,600 Speaker 1: hear enough about. If you'd like more information, we'll link 270 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,400 Speaker 1: to the study by Landry and colleagues in the show notes. 271 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roulan Media, 272 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:04,240 Speaker 1: and more information and resources to support your family and 273 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 1: trust in your children's organismic development is available in my 274 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 1: book The Parenting Revolution, or online at happyfamilies dot com 275 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:12,760 Speaker 1: dot au.