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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers Now.

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Speaker 2: So my older tomorrow is there's some great advice on

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Speaker 2: this podcast.

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Speaker 3: Listen to that podcast that they know what they're talking

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Speaker 3: about at helps.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Kylie am I a letter started a podcast episode by saying,

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Speaker 3: how tired I am?

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Speaker 1: Is that?

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Speaker 3: Okay, we been on.

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Speaker 2: A holiday well where we hardly did anything.

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Speaker 3: You think to me, You think about what we've done

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Speaker 3: since we got back. There's been there's been a book launch.

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Speaker 3: The workload has been overwhelming and for the last week,

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Speaker 3: I mean I've been in lawn Sestant, I've been in

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Speaker 3: Brisbane and for the last four days I've been in Perth.

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Speaker 2: Working means you've got to sleep in your own bed,

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Speaker 2: hotel children to take care of yours life sounds quite ideal.

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Speaker 3: I have been running workshops all over Western Australia, from Bunbury,

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Speaker 3: Mandara right through to Perth itself and it's been amazing.

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Speaker 3: But it's so nice to be able to talk to

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Speaker 3: you about what I've done well as a parent. This week.

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Speaker 2: I can't wait to hear it.

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Speaker 3: Since at the start of the week. I've had like

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Speaker 3: four hours at home this week. It's been really hard.

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Speaker 3: So what we're going to do for I'll do, but

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Speaker 3: it's tomorrow. I'm going to do mine first because I

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Speaker 3: think it's going to be pretty quick and pretty simple.

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Speaker 3: But while I've been away, I've had some time to reflect.

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Speaker 3: I've done a lot of publicity for my brand new book.

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Speaker 3: As you know, we launched The Parenting Revolution last week.

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Speaker 3: The book is now in bookstores everywhere, it's online. I'm

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Speaker 3: getting text messages and emails from people who are saying

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Speaker 3: that they've been reading it and they have been loving it.

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Speaker 3: In fact, I just had a conversation in the last

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Speaker 3: little bit with a journalist who had to read the

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Speaker 3: book because she was interviewing me for the conversation about

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Speaker 3: the book, and she just said she's got a fourteen

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Speaker 3: year old. In the last year, they've been through absolute

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Speaker 3: hell with diagnoses around ADHD, severe anxiety. Their world has

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Speaker 3: been turned on its head, and she said reading the

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Speaker 3: book was everything. It just she said, since I started

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Speaker 3: reading the book, our whole family has changed, and I'm

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Speaker 3: like evil revolution, and I don't know how to speak French.

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Speaker 3: But I was so excited, and so people are loving

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Speaker 3: the book. But while I've been doing that, I had

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Speaker 3: a chance to reflect and the old do Better Tomorrow

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Speaker 3: for me is actually about savoring the small stuff. So

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Speaker 3: somebody asked me what's the best part of being a parent?

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Speaker 3: Because in the book I talk a lot about how

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Speaker 3: parenting is not associated with happiness, it's associated with feeling miserable.

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Speaker 3: But the rewards are so big, and I'm at pains

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Speaker 3: to point out that parenting is so rewarding. And somebody

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Speaker 3: asked me, so, what's rewarding about parenting for you? And

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Speaker 3: I thought to myself, the list is so long, but

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Speaker 3: we've got to be really attentive to take notice. And

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Speaker 3: I thought, one of the most wonderful sounds in the

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Speaker 3: world for me is hearing one of our children call

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Speaker 3: out my name. Just the privilege of being called dad

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Speaker 3: or daddy. When they call me daddy, Oh my goodness,

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Speaker 3: it just melts my heart. About a week and a

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Speaker 3: half ago, our nineteen year old stepped into the kitchen,

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Speaker 3: did I Daddy? And I just went, oh, my goodness,

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Speaker 3: this is the best. And just as my heart was

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Speaker 3: about to fall into pieces, she said you're doing the

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Speaker 3: dishes and no one's helping you. I love it when

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Speaker 3: we get to talk together and do the dishes. Can

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Speaker 3: I join you? And I just thought, oh, my goodness.

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Speaker 3: And it's those moments where you just go yes, yes,

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Speaker 3: it's so good. And the day before I left for

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Speaker 3: the trip, another one that really stood out to me

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Speaker 3: was our youngest, miss Emily. I woke up at four

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Speaker 3: o'clock that very morning and she was awake. She couldn't

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Speaker 3: get a slip and she asked for the TV remote

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Speaker 3: and I said, you know what, I think it's a

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Speaker 3: bit early for the TV. How apout if you draw?

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Speaker 3: And so while I sat down and did a whole

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Speaker 3: lot of reading and a whole lot of work and

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Speaker 3: had a really productive morning, she laid on the carpet

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Speaker 3: beside me and she just drew. She drew this dragon,

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Speaker 3: colored in and had such a great time. I thought,

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Speaker 3: this is this is heaven. This is just so perfectly beautiful.

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Speaker 3: Saving those small moments so that is my older better tomorrow.

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Speaker 3: Really appreciate the tiny things that we gloss over and

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Speaker 3: take the granted so much because they are they're really special.

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Speaker 2: It's interesting, as you're talking about all of that, just

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Speaker 2: thinking about how so much of family life feels messy

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Speaker 2: and murky and hard it is, and yet the really

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Speaker 2: tiny experiences like you've shared give you maximum payback. That

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Speaker 2: makes sense, Like.

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Speaker 3: But you've got to you've got to be attentive to it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, totally.

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Speaker 3: Like just before we've recorded this conversation, when I stepped

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Speaker 3: into the office, our eldest daughter was in the corridor.

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Speaker 3: She's several months pregnant. She just happened to be right

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Speaker 3: where I was as I was walking into the office,

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Speaker 3: and she was on a phone call. But she just

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Speaker 3: looked at me and smiled and said morning. And there

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Speaker 3: was something about that interaction. It was two second interaction.

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Speaker 3: But I walked into the office just going, oh connection,

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Speaker 3: seeing herd valued this is what it's about. It felt

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Speaker 3: so good. I just I love this stuff. So that's

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Speaker 3: my old about it. Tomorrow, I really pay attention to

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Speaker 3: the small moments because there is so much joy right there.

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Speaker 3: What's yours?

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Speaker 2: Well, we got a little bit of a kick up

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Speaker 2: the bar, and a couple of weeks ago, we've been

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Speaker 2: having a really difficult conversation with one of our children

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Speaker 2: who is at a crossroads in life. Okay and trying

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Speaker 2: to work out what she wants to do. And she's

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Speaker 2: seeing all of her friends doing one thing and she's

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Speaker 2: kind of going, I really like that, and I want

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Speaker 2: to do that. And we're looking at it and kind

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Speaker 2: of going, I think that this is going to close

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Speaker 2: a lot of pathways for you if you choose to

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Speaker 2: do this.

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Speaker 3: You're speaking so abstractly. Can you be really concrete about it?

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Speaker 3: And I know that we haven't confirmed with our daughter

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Speaker 3: that we can talk about this, but she's pretty cruzy.

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Speaker 3: I think she'd be okay with it.

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Speaker 2: So our nineteen year old old has studied university this year,

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Speaker 2: straight out of high school and she hates it and

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Speaker 2: she's hating it.

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Speaker 3: And this is my thing, right, gap years. I'm always

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Speaker 3: going on about it. I'm a really, really big advocate

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Speaker 3: for a gap year. I've been a university lecturer. I've

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Speaker 3: seen these first year students. Most of them might not all,

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Speaker 3: but most of them shouldn't be there. They're not ready,

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Speaker 3: they don't know what they want, they don't know what

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Speaker 3: they're trying to do. It's just it doesn't work well.

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Speaker 2: In her defense, she actually wanted to take a gap year,

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Speaker 2: but after eight weeks of finishing high school and floundering,

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Speaker 2: not having a clue what she wanted to do. She

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Speaker 2: was absolutely miserable.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and she came to us and she said, I

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Speaker 3: think we should I think I should go to UNI.

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Speaker 3: And of all of our kids, she's actually a really mature,

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Speaker 3: really switched on kid. And I thought, if there's a

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Speaker 3: single child that we've got that could do this, I

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Speaker 3: reckon it's her. I also think our next one might

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Speaker 3: be able to as well. But I said, you know what,

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Speaker 3: go for it. You need something, do it. And I

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Speaker 3: shouldn't have said that. I should have told her to

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Speaker 3: do the gap year. I want to do it a

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Speaker 3: plumb for somewhere. Go and get a job, do something

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Speaker 3: because it's not working out.

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Speaker 2: But unfortunately, her reaction is to just throw the towel in,

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Speaker 2: give up, yeah, and travel the countryside in a comby

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Speaker 2: van with a whole heap of friends with no way

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Speaker 2: to pay. She's like, I'm just gonna throw caution into

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Speaker 2: the wind.

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Speaker 3: I'm just going to sleep on the roof in the

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Speaker 3: campus wag thing. Oh, I'll climb up the ladder And

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Speaker 3: I'm like, how are you gonna live? She's like, I

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Speaker 3: don't know.

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Speaker 2: We'll just busk from town to town, busk.

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Speaker 3: Eating two minute noodles for the next twelve months.

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Speaker 2: So anyway, we were having a conversation and she wasn't

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Speaker 2: happy with the things that we were sharing.

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Speaker 3: With her because we said, no, well we did. When

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Speaker 3: she's an adult, she can do whatever she wants, but

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Speaker 3: we advised strongly against it.

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Speaker 2: Well, anyway, the next morning I turned on my podcast

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Speaker 2: app and the first thing that came up was the

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Speaker 2: episode we shared a couple of weeks ago.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, In fact, the date was the second, It

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Speaker 3: was the second of May, and we were answering a

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Speaker 3: listener question about a mum who's got a twelve year

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Speaker 3: old who's not fulfilling his potential and what do I

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Speaker 3: do about getting my kid doing more at school? And

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Speaker 3: the advice that we gave.

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Speaker 2: Was brilliant advice for us. We just rout living it.

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Speaker 2: So I listened to it and I kind of felt

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Speaker 2: like I'd had an instant uppercut. And I came home

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Speaker 2: from my morning walk and I went into our daughter's

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Speaker 2: bedroom and I said, I need you to listen to

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Speaker 2: today's podcast.

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Speaker 3: Oh, so you asked her to listen to the advice

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Speaker 3: that we gave to another parent.

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Speaker 2: I did. That was brave, I did. And I said,

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Speaker 2: and once you've listened to it, I want you to

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Speaker 2: think about the situation that we're encountering at the moment

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Speaker 2: and how we might do better. Right, And she said, well,

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Speaker 2: send me the link. And the next thing I heard

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Speaker 2: the podcast blaring out of her bedroom and she instantly

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Speaker 2: listened to it and the conversations that we're having a

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Speaker 2: slow but there is just an acknowledgment that there is

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Speaker 2: nothing she can do that's going to change the way I.

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Speaker 3: Feel about her, and well, this goes back to our

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Speaker 3: three most important words, right.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, After she'd finished listening, I just went into her

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Speaker 2: room and I just looked at her and I said,

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Speaker 2: you need to know that first and foremost, we just

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Speaker 2: love you. We absolutely love you, and our concern for

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Speaker 2: you is not that you'll do your best, but that

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Speaker 2: you'll have a life that fulfills you. And from the

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Speaker 2: vantage point that we have, we just recognize that the

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Speaker 2: more open you leave your possibilities, the greater opportunity you

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Speaker 2: have for that life of fulfillment. And so as a

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Speaker 2: result of that conversation, we're able to kind of just

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Speaker 2: look at the factor that we just need to get through.

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Speaker 2: Another few weeks and she will have completed her first

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Speaker 2: semester done, at which point she can either defer or

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Speaker 2: at this point she actually looking at transferring over to

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Speaker 2: an arts degree because she actually doesn't know what she

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Speaker 2: wants to do. My point, she doesn't have a clue

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Speaker 2: what direction she wants to take.

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Speaker 3: And so she did know. And this is the other

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Speaker 3: critical thing here, Kylie. I know I'm interrupting your flow

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Speaker 3: for a sec, but this is the critical thing for

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Speaker 3: parents of older kids to remember. The kids can be

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Speaker 3: absolutely set on a path. I want to be a dietician.

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Speaker 3: I want to be a speech pathologist. I want to

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Speaker 3: be a lawyer. I want to be a doctor. I

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Speaker 3: want to be, in our daughter's case, an architect. And

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Speaker 3: four weeks into UNI, she's going, this is not what

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Speaker 3: I signed up for. I don't like this. I don't

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Speaker 3: want to do this.

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Speaker 2: But it's not that I don't like this, it's I

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Speaker 2: don't like doing the drawings they are asking me to draw.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to draw those buildings. I want to

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Speaker 2: draw these buildings.

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Speaker 3: Well there's that too, but there's a whole lot I

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Speaker 3: don't want.

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Speaker 2: To study this subject. It doesn't make me excited. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: but the reality is it's all preparatory and foundational for

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Speaker 2: the skill set if that's the direction you want to take.

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Speaker 2: And she's not ready to sit in that place. So

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Speaker 2: you know, I encouraged her to go to university and

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Speaker 2: to have the conversation she needed to have to make

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Speaker 2: sure she had complete understanding of what needed to take

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Speaker 2: place in order for her to do what she wanted

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Speaker 2: to do. And she did that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So now we've just got to get through the next

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Speaker 2: few weeks. So my ild tomorrow is there's some great

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Speaker 2: advice on this podcast.

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Speaker 3: Listen to that podcast that they know what they're talking

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Speaker 3: about at helps.

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Speaker 2: But I what I'm so grateful for is that we

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Speaker 2: often know what we need to do, but we get

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Speaker 2: so caught up in the emotion of the moment that

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Speaker 2: we forget or it's not our natural position to take.

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Speaker 3: I love this because so often I'll think to myself,

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Speaker 3: when we're struggling with one of our children, what's the

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Speaker 3: advice that I would give to somebody else through situations?

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Speaker 3: But I can never quite think of what the advice

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Speaker 3: would be. But you're right that podcast really was useful

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Speaker 3: for that specific issue. So funny and so timely, same timely.

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Speaker 3: I love that you know I'm going to take a

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Speaker 3: different message from your story. And that is the power

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Speaker 3: of those three most important words. When we talk to

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Speaker 3: about children, about meaningful things, about challenges, struggles and problems,

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Speaker 3: and we make sure that it's couched in an environment

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Speaker 3: where they unmistakably know not just that we love them,

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Speaker 3: that we love them no matter what. It changes everything

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Speaker 3: about the conversation. It creates a vulnerability and an openness

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Speaker 3: that means that you get to talk about the kinds

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Speaker 3: of things that most people don't normally talk about. It's

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Speaker 3: profoundly important. And they're the stories that I love telling

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Speaker 3: the most. When I share stories about our own family

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Speaker 3: and my presentations, and I don't share as many as

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Speaker 3: I used to, but the no matter what, stories, they're

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Speaker 3: the ones that I love the most. They're the ones

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Speaker 3: that connect with people the most. They're the ones that

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Speaker 3: make people cry, and they're the ones that tap people

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Speaker 3: into the stuff that they know that they need to

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Speaker 3: be doing with their kids other than listening to this

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Speaker 3: podcast to get great advice. So that's our old do

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Speaker 3: better tomorrow We hope that it helps you to do

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Speaker 3: better tomorrow on your parenting. Thank you so much for

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Speaker 3: being an intentional parent, a parent who wants to really

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Speaker 3: engage with the process of raising your children. Well. We

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Speaker 3: hope that today's episode has been useful and it's given

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Speaker 3: you a bunch of ideas that can make your family happier.

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Speaker 3: Thank you for joining us. The Happy Family's podcast is

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Speaker 3: produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. We have Craig

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Speaker 3: Bruce as our executive producer and if you'd like more

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Speaker 3: information about making your family happier, please join us in

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Speaker 3: the Happy Families membership. We don't talk about it much

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Speaker 3: on the podcast, but our members.

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Speaker 1: Love what we do.

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Speaker 3: They love the way they get the ongoing calm, assurance

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Speaker 3: and evidence based ideas for making their family happier. You

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Speaker 3: will love the membership. It's available at Happy families dot

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Speaker 3: com dot A. You hope to see you there. Yeah,