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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, kids, when they're with their friends, they need us

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Speaker 2: to talk to them about being safe, being healthy, being wise.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the scars of our show, My mom

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Speaker 1: and Dad.

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Speaker 2: Hello, this is Justin Colson here with Kylie, my wife,

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Speaker 2: mum to our six kids. I'm the author of six

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Speaker 2: books about raising happy families and the founder of happy

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Speaker 2: Families dot com dot au. We have got so much

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Speaker 2: to talk about in this podcast.

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Speaker 3: That's what happens when you go away for two weeks.

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Speaker 2: It's really really exciting. I have to share the funniest

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Speaker 2: line that we've ever heard from any of them, maybe

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Speaker 2: the funniest line we've ever heard from any of our kids.

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Speaker 2: The other day we were talking to Emily, our seven

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Speaker 2: year old. She was not sitting still when she should have,

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Speaker 2: and I said to her, can you, Emily, can you

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Speaker 2: please just sit still? Is it possible for you to

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Speaker 2: be still? I mean, I was trying to be patient,

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Speaker 2: but she really pushed me to the limit. Can you

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Speaker 2: please sit still? Is it possible? And she looked at

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Speaker 2: me and said, no, I'm like a shark. If I

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Speaker 2: stay still, I'll die.

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Speaker 3: I love this kid, I love I love her expressions.

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Speaker 2: I just if I stop moving, I'll die.

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Speaker 4: She's so articulous, not bad for a seven year old

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Speaker 4: has because of all those books that you're reading. Are

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Speaker 4: instead of instead of fairy and princess stories that our

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Speaker 4: other big kids all wanted to hear all the time,

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Speaker 4: all she wants to do is hear stories about textbook

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Speaker 4: insects and sharks and fish. And she's into Pokemon at

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Speaker 4: the moment, driving me crazy with the Pokemon cards. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: these fads that seven year olds get involved in.

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Speaker 3: Well, we've never really had another child who's been into

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Speaker 3: a new fad.

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Speaker 2: No, no, And it's been really nice until now. Hey, Kylie,

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Speaker 2: school holidays for New South Wales, in fact, for the

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Speaker 2: entire Eastern Seaboard, school holidays are over. Life is resuming.

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Speaker 2: The October long weekend has come and gone. And feel

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Speaker 2: you're feeling relaxed after like you said about eight days away.

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Speaker 3: Well, can I tell you holidays were relaxing. It did

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Speaker 3: take you and I a couple of days to relax.

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Speaker 3: We actually looked at each other and thought, oh, I

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Speaker 3: think we've done the wrong thing. We've booked in for

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Speaker 3: way too long and then by the time we left,

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Speaker 3: we were like, do we have to leave?

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Speaker 2: So we went to Bowen and we we've fallen in

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Speaker 2: love with the place. But there's not very much there.

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Speaker 3: Do you know most people say where's.

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Speaker 2: Yeh's about two hours two and a half hours south

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Speaker 2: of Townsville, depending on the road works. Just oh gosh. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: we can talk about the holiday on Friday, but I

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Speaker 2: do want to just tease that we are going to

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Speaker 2: share a story with you about an accidental trespassing on

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Speaker 2: a nude beach with out children. We'll tell you more

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Speaker 2: about believe you're bringing that up. We'll tell you more

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Speaker 2: about that on Friday. Whoops, I don't know how that happened.

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Speaker 2: And I'm just going to also.

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Speaker 3: Add worst parenting moment ever.

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Speaker 2: See the engross and even if you do it by accident,

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Speaker 2: just turn around and run the other way if it

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Speaker 2: ever happens to you. Not not a highlight of the

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Speaker 2: holiday at all. Gosh. Oh the big news, big news.

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Speaker 2: While we were while we were away on our holiday,

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Speaker 2: Channel nine made an announcement and it was quite a

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Speaker 2: big one.

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Speaker 3: Well, it was pretty patchy. We didn't have coverage for

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Speaker 3: most of our trip.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, when we left Bone we did some other

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Speaker 2: stuff and that meant that we were out of internet

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Speaker 2: range for all of.

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Speaker 3: The time, so we actually missed the whole event at

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Speaker 3: the moment, But the next morning we were able to

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Speaker 3: see firsthand.

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Speaker 2: What it's all about.

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Speaker 3: Channel nine's promo for the latest parenting show.

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Speaker 2: Parental Guidance. Check it out. It's the biggest responsibility of

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Speaker 2: our lives.

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Speaker 1: We do.

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Speaker 2: We want our children to be the good in the

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Speaker 2: world raising a child, but how do you know, think

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Speaker 2: about the happiest time in your name You're doing it right.

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Speaker 3: I feel like a failure and parenting experts doctor Justin Colson,

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Speaker 3: we think.

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Speaker 2: I just love these kids. I want to give them

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Speaker 2: the best. Bring you the groundbreaking news series sample challenge

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Speaker 2: every Australia. This is going to change the conversation about

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Speaker 2: parenting in this country. New Parental Guidance soon to nine.

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Speaker 2: I am just so so excited about this TV show.

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Speaker 2: We recorded it back in April May before the big

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Speaker 2: lockdowns happened. The timing was perfect and boy, our boy,

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Speaker 2: this is going to be such an exciting TV show.

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Speaker 3: What's the deal though, because that promo is pretty provocative.

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Speaker 2: Well, that's what promos do. I mean, the TV station

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Speaker 2: is going to put a promo out there that says

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Speaker 2: you need to see this because you're going to.

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Speaker 3: So it says it's from the producers of Married.

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Speaker 2: At First that's what it says. I'm glad you raise that.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't say from the producers, it's from the network

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Speaker 2: that brought you. So the people who have made Parental Guidance,

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Speaker 2: the show that I'm on, they've got nothing to do

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Speaker 2: with Merit at First Sight. And a lot of people

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Speaker 2: are up in arms. You're like, oh my goodness. If

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Speaker 2: the same people that made Merit at First Sight are

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Speaker 2: making this one, it's going to be awful. Endemol Shine

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Speaker 2: is the name of the company that makes Merrit at

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Speaker 2: First Sight and then they sell that to Channel nine.

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Speaker 2: The company that have made Parental Guidance, the one that

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Speaker 2: I'm in, they're called Eureka, and they do not have

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Speaker 2: anything to do with Merrit at First Sight. So we're

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Speaker 2: in the clear there for those who are worried about

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Speaker 2: it turning into that kind of thing.

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Speaker 3: But generally speaking, reality TV shows they're pretty bad. You know,

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Speaker 3: you see the worst of human nature come out.

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Speaker 2: Yeah you do. What's your point?

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Speaker 3: Well, you want to put your name against something like that.

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Speaker 2: So I'm very I'm not allowed to say very much

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Speaker 2: about the show at this point. I can very I

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Speaker 2: can share very very little. But what I can say

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Speaker 2: is this is a positive and uplifting show that I

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Speaker 2: am proud to be part of, and it really celebrates parenting,

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Speaker 2: but it doesn't shy away from the big issues that

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Speaker 2: parents struggle with. And we have some really hard and

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Speaker 2: important conversations with very good intentions, and what we actually

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Speaker 2: do is we elevate great parenting in the show. So

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Speaker 2: regardless of what you've seen in the primo, what I

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Speaker 2: can guarantee is that this is going to be a

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Speaker 2: This is going to be a TV program that will

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Speaker 2: change the way we look at parenting in this country

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Speaker 2: for the better. It's a great show.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so you give me goosebunks. I cannot wait I

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Speaker 3: see this.

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Speaker 2: I'm kind of scared because you know, when you watch

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Speaker 2: yourself on our home video or something, you're like, really,

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Speaker 2: do I look like that? Do I sound like that?

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Speaker 2: I'm worried about it from that point of view, But

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Speaker 2: so long as the stuff that comes out of my

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Speaker 2: mouth makes sense. I cannot wait to see this show.

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Speaker 3: Well, when we saw the promo, our son in law, Jared,

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Speaker 3: was with me and I kind of looked at it

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Speaker 3: and I said, did that kind of seem a bit surreal?

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Speaker 3: Here we are we watching the TV and all of

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Speaker 3: a sudden you popped up, Your face popped up, and

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Speaker 3: it was like, was he just super imposed?

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Speaker 2: We know that guy sold. I should just highlight by

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Speaker 2: the way, Parental Guidance is a show where I am

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Speaker 2: the quote unquote parenting expert for the entire show, for

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Speaker 2: the entire series, and I'm also co hosting it with

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Speaker 2: Allison Langdon. Ali Langdon from The Today Show. She sits

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Speaker 2: next to Carl normally, but this time she's sitting next

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Speaker 2: to me for the program. And it's going to be

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Speaker 2: I can't say anymore except that it's going to be great.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to be repetitive, and I don't think we

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Speaker 2: should do it. So let's move on to the purpose

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Speaker 2: of today's podcast. If that's okay, Oh, you know what

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Speaker 2: we have to do. Before we do that, I do

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Speaker 2: have to mention that today the MISC Connection Summit is happening.

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Speaker 2: If you've got a tweet you're.

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Speaker 3: Not allowed to go on holidays again.

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Speaker 2: There's so much to talk about if you've got a

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Speaker 2: tween or teen girl eight to eighteen. All day today,

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Speaker 2: the mis Connection Summit is happening, talking with experts from

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Speaker 2: around the country about all of the big stuff, and

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Speaker 2: you can get more information about that at happy families

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Speaker 2: dot com dot you. It's not too late to sign up,

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Speaker 2: and even if you can't watch the whole thing, we

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Speaker 2: send you the replays the links. You can watch it

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Speaker 2: at your own, your own leisure, in your own convenient time.

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Speaker 3: For the rest of your life.

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Speaker 2: Lifelong access to the Misconnection. So please have a look there.

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Speaker 2: Let's move on, shall we? Maybe?

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Speaker 3: Well, on Tuesdays we answer somebody's question.

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Speaker 2: And today we're going to keep the emailer anonymous because

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Speaker 2: it's kind of a sensitive one and we don't want

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Speaker 2: to make anyone feel embarrassed by the way. You can

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Speaker 2: send your questions to us podcasts at happy families dot

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Speaker 2: com dot you. That's podcasts with an s podcasts at

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Speaker 2: happy families dot com dot au. And I'll answer as

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Speaker 2: an expert. You'll answer as a mum of six with

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Speaker 2: like twenty oh how many like I reckon, you've got

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Speaker 2: about eighty years of parenting experience under your belt in

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Speaker 2: terms of if you add up the cumulative total of

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Speaker 2: all of our children's.

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Speaker 3: Ages, I already feel, oh, thank you.

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Speaker 2: Maybe shud have said it all like that you read

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Speaker 2: the question, I'm going to work out how many years

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Speaker 2: of children we've parented.

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Speaker 3: Our almost ten year old was caught taking things from

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Speaker 3: other people's bags at school. He and his friend were

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Speaker 3: sent to the principal's office for a stern talking to

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Speaker 3: and reflection on what they had done. The principal rang

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Speaker 3: to tell me what had happened, and he said he

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Speaker 3: feels that both boys were remorseful and had at their

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Speaker 3: consequence at school. He said it was up to us,

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Speaker 3: but he didn't feel like it needed any further action

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Speaker 3: at home. The stealing is out of character for both boys,

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Speaker 3: and we can tell that our son was upset by

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Speaker 3: the whole thing and is feeling terrible about it. We

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Speaker 3: do agree with the principle that they've probably learned their lesson. However,

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Speaker 3: we feel like there should be a consequence at home.

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Speaker 2: Right And then the letter goes on to just indicate

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Speaker 2: that the son has brought some stuff home and said, Oh,

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Speaker 2: my friends gave it to me, and now they know

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Speaker 2: that he's lying about that. So should there be a

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Speaker 2: consequence because of the line that's happened at home even

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Speaker 2: though this stuff's been dealt with at school. And then

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Speaker 2: they also acknowledged in the email that when they were kids,

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Speaker 2: both of them.

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Speaker 3: Had sticky thingers.

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Speaker 2: You got in trouble for shoplifting and that kind of

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Speaker 2: stuff as well. I think it might be genetic.

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Speaker 3: What do you, I don't think so, But anyway, let's

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Speaker 3: find out how we can help this family and anyone

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Speaker 3: else who's ever dealt with sticky fingers. After the break,

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Speaker 3: it's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having

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Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and don'ts

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Speaker 5: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits

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Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies

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Speaker 5: dot com, dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now and today, we're

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Speaker 3: trying to help anyone who's dealt with sticky fingers.

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Speaker 2: Get kids that are into stealing stuff, whether it's from

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Speaker 2: shops or other people's school bags or anything like that.

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Speaker 2: We've had a request come through. Please help via podcasts

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Speaker 2: at happy families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 3: This family's not alone. I remember I remember when now

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Speaker 3: one of our children came home with a purse full

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Speaker 3: of coins. Really do you remember that?

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 3: And she said that her friend gave it to her.

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Speaker 2: Really, yes, Wow, A Coulson did that. That's terrible. I

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Speaker 2: can't believe that.

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Speaker 3: But it took a little bit of convincing until she

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Speaker 3: realized that I wasn't going to believe her, and she

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Speaker 3: fessed up and said it was actually in my friend's piggybox.

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Speaker 5: I know.

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Speaker 2: Oh gosh.

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Speaker 3: So she went back to the door and she knocked

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Speaker 3: on the door and she told them on what she did,

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Speaker 3: and she handed it all back.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so can you just with your fingers show me

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Speaker 2: so we're not because there's another one that I want

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Speaker 2: to mention. I was the same one that I was

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Speaker 2: going to mention. Maybe it was just maybe it was

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Speaker 2: this problem. So I was going to say, we had

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Speaker 2: another one who stole stuff from the shops. Maybe it

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Speaker 2: was just that kid. But what maybe we just.

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Speaker 3: Got better at parents as we went along.

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Speaker 2: So I think there's a couple of things that we

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Speaker 2: need to highlight here. First of all, kids both follow

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Speaker 2: their friends, and they influence their friends, and they do

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Speaker 2: dumb stuff when their friends are around. So I've talked

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Speaker 2: about the milk challenge before on this podcast and how

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Speaker 2: I would never open the fridge and think, gee, I

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Speaker 2: wonder if I could drink that much milk in that

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Speaker 2: short amount of time unless I had my friends with

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Speaker 2: me coaxing me and saying, go on, do it, do it?

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Speaker 2: Do it? Like that's just a dumb thing that kids do.

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Speaker 2: Laurence Steinberg is one of the world's leading psychologists when

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Speaker 2: it comes to adolescence. He's done more research than just

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Speaker 2: about anyone, and he's done some really cool risk packing

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Speaker 2: research showing that kids, when they're broad into a lab, children,

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Speaker 2: teenagers and adults, they come in on their own or

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Speaker 2: they come in with a friend. When they participate in

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Speaker 2: this little risk taking exercise, a little computer simulation, they've

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Speaker 2: got to ride a motorbikele driver car through a city

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Speaker 2: and when the lights change, they've got to make a

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Speaker 2: decision do I try and get through the lights or

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Speaker 2: do I pause? They earn more money in the experiment

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Speaker 2: for finishing fast, so there's an incentive to get to

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Speaker 2: the end quickly, to run through the lights, but if

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Speaker 2: they crash, they lose time, so there's risk associated with

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Speaker 2: it as well. And what Steinberg found is that when

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Speaker 2: kids are playing, whether they've got a friend watching them

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Speaker 2: or not, they pretty much play exactly the same way

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Speaker 2: when teenagers adolescents are playing. They play fairly conservatively when

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Speaker 2: they're on their own, but when they've got a friend

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Speaker 2: with them, they kind of take way bigger risks and

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Speaker 2: weigh more risks. Adults they don't really care whether someone

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Speaker 2: watching them or not.

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Speaker 3: Say I wouldn't care.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they don't really care. So what we're dealing

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Speaker 2: with here is we've got a kid who's just entering

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Speaker 2: early adolescents and is starting to take risks, starting to

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Speaker 2: be influenced by friends and probably starting to influence friends

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Speaker 2: as well, trying to figure out who he is in

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Speaker 2: the world.

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Speaker 3: So it's interesting when you hear the story. There's two

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Speaker 3: boys involved, and it's out of character for both of them. Yes,

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Speaker 3: So it's not like there's a leader and a follower.

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Speaker 3: These kids, generally speaking wouldn't do this, but together this

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Speaker 3: bad mix at the moment.

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Speaker 2: I got in a lot of trouble with my friends.

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Speaker 2: Never got into trouble on my own, but when I

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Speaker 2: was a friends I was always getting it in trouble

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Speaker 2: because it's kind of like, Hey, let's go out and

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Speaker 2: sit on the street corner and stuff beans up.

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Speaker 3: Our nose or throw rocks at cars. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and you hear stories about that all the time.

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Speaker 2: So I think that's the first thing to acknowledge. Kids

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Speaker 2: when they're with their friends, they need us to talk

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Speaker 2: to them about being safe, being healthy, being wise. Don't

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Speaker 2: talk about right and wrong so much because they roll

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Speaker 2: their eyes. It's not that there isn't right and wrong.

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Speaker 2: I strongly believe in right and wrong. But when we

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Speaker 2: talk about right and wrong, the kids are like always

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Speaker 2: telling me what to do. But when we talk about safe, healthy, wise,

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Speaker 2: it's much it's much more objective, it's not so moralistically oriented,

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Speaker 2: and then later on you can bring the morals in.

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Speaker 2: So that would be that would be one thing that

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Speaker 2: I would really focus on.

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Speaker 3: Well, I guess that question if we boild it all down.

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Speaker 3: They want to understand whether or not they're really happy

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Speaker 3: with how the school has dealt with things. But they

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Speaker 3: also feel like there needs to be a consequence at home. Yes,

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Speaker 3: so that's that's what they want to know, Doctor justin

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Speaker 3: Should there be a consequence at home?

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Speaker 2: I think this is a fascinating question. What does consequence means?

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Speaker 2: That's what I want to start with, because when I

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Speaker 2: hear parents say should we make sure it should should

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Speaker 2: we be imposing consequences? I think that there should be

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Speaker 2: a consequence at home, even though there's been a consequence

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Speaker 2: at the school. Consequence really is another way of saying,

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Speaker 2: what should we do to him now?

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Speaker 3: How should we Yeah, Well that in that context I

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Speaker 3: hear punished.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right, And consequence and punishment are really just consequences,

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Speaker 2: a sugar coated soft way of saying, how do we

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Speaker 2: punish him? How do we exact retribution? How do we

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Speaker 2: make him pay a price for what he's done? Because

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Speaker 2: he's stealing and he's lying and he should he has

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Speaker 2: to learn, and the only way we can make him

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Speaker 2: learn is to is to hurt him.

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Speaker 3: Well, you talk about natural consequences, So if I am

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Speaker 3: a liar and I keep lying, then the natural consequence

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Speaker 3: of that is that people don't trust me.

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Speaker 2: Precisely.

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Speaker 3: It's not that as a parent I enforce.

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Speaker 2: Right and a lot of parents will get caught up

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Speaker 2: in well, there's natural consequences and then there's like logical

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Speaker 2: consequences and anything that is extrinsically imposed that becomes some

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Speaker 2: kind of consequence or punishment that we're putting on them

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Speaker 2: that's not a natural consequence of something we're doing. So

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Speaker 2: the natural consequence of stealing is people don't trust you.

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Speaker 2: And that's consequence of lying is people don't trust you.

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Speaker 2: And I'm pretty happy for kids to learn that through life,

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Speaker 2: and they learn it really effectively. Usually when that's going on.

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Speaker 3: We're actually going to have a really exciting conversation tomorrow

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Speaker 3: with a guest that sits in beautifully with this.

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Speaker 2: I'm so glad you that I hadn't even thought of that.

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Speaker 3: Michael Parker wrote a book, Could Talk with your kids

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Speaker 3: about things that matter. We're talking to him tomorrow on

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Speaker 3: the podcast about his book and the hypothetical conversations that

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Speaker 3: we can have with our children to tap into their values.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, to teach them to think, to be a little

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Speaker 2: bit more philosophical, and to develop a real sense of

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Speaker 2: intrinsic ethical shape.

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Speaker 3: Shifting aliens and all kinds of crazy things that you

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Speaker 3: can have conversations with your kids about things that really matter.

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Speaker 3: And here, in this situation, we've got this child who's

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Speaker 3: acted out of line but also out of character, and

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Speaker 3: so from here, instead of imposing a consequence, we get

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Speaker 3: to have conversations.

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Speaker 2: Well, you've teased tomorrow really really well, So the person

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Speaker 2: who send us that email via podcasts a Happy families

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Speaker 2: dot com dot I you. We hope that it's been

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Speaker 2: a helpful response. Ultimately, it really comes back to the

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Speaker 2: three ease. Do you've covered a lot today? We've got

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Speaker 2: a crazy seven year old who thinks she's a shark

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Speaker 2: and has to keep on moving otherwise she's going to drown.

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Speaker 2: We've talked about a big TV show. We've hinted that

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Speaker 2: I'm Friday. We're going to talk about a new Basch experience,

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Speaker 2: which I'm not sure we should really talk about now

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Speaker 2: that I've teased that. And we've answered a question about

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Speaker 2: a child who steals and lies and feels bad about it.

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Speaker 2: Hopefully we've helped. If you've enjoyed the podcast, we would

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Speaker 2: love for you to leave a rating and review. Apple

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Speaker 2: Podcasts is where you do that takes about thirty seconds

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Speaker 2: to do it, and it bumps us up in the algorithm.

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Speaker 2: So other people can find out about the podcast to

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Speaker 2: make their family happier. Please leave those ratings and reviews,

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Speaker 2: and we as always appreciate the work of Justin Ruland

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Speaker 2: from Bridge Media and Craig Bruce, our executive producer, for

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Speaker 2: making the podcast sound the way that it does. For

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Speaker 2: more information about making your family happier, and especially for

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Speaker 2: today's miss Connection Summit for anyone who's a parent of

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Speaker 2: a teenage or tween age girl eight to eighteen, visit

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Speaker 2: Happyfamilies dot com dot a