Speaker 1: Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose
Speaker 1: lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their
Speaker 1: elders past and present.
Speaker 2: Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
Speaker 2: recorded on de rug Wallamuta Land. Hi guys, and welcome
Speaker 2: back to another episode of Life on Cut. I'm Laura,
Speaker 2: I'm Brittany, and this is ask gun Cart where we
Speaker 2: answer or your deep you're dark and your dirty questions.
Speaker 1: We both this morning have sounded better. We have been
Speaker 1: having like an asthmaic coffee.
Speaker 2: How cute is it that we all have asthma still
Speaker 2: as like full grown adults.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's asthma. I don't think I've ever
Speaker 1: had asthma. But I've had this thing in my throat
Speaker 1: for like ten days and I can't It's seamen.
Speaker 2: Yeah, stuck, stuck for dear life, dripping down still, that's
Speaker 2: what happens. No, that is not what it is. But
Speaker 2: I can't clean. I'm not sorry. No, don't be sorry
Speaker 2: for me. I'm great, airways open. Apologize to do a
Speaker 2: salt water flush. You'll be fine. I've done everything. I've gurgled.
Speaker 1: I've just dreamed like I've better than gargled. I've done
Speaker 1: the salt, I've done the lemon.
Speaker 2: I don't know what it is. It's called being sick.
Speaker 1: I wonder if I've been really jet lagged right the
Speaker 1: last couple of days. But I think I'm moving past
Speaker 1: jet lag having insomnia like I cannot sleep.
Speaker 2: No, I think you've just moved past jet lag and
Speaker 2: you're moved into being old. And that's what happens when
Speaker 2: we get our late thirties. I thought more no, less broken. Sleep,
Speaker 2: not as good, not as thorough.
Speaker 1: Grandparents sleep all the time, like they nap all day,
Speaker 1: but they have to get out like five times a
Speaker 1: night just to pee.
Speaker 2: Do you know what? Speaking of speaking of sleeping, do
Speaker 2: you know why I am tired all the time? Because
Speaker 2: my three year old Molly gets into bed with us
Speaker 2: every night, right like she still does it. She's been
Speaker 2: doing it since she was like one and a half.
Speaker 2: She'll just climb out of her bed to come, and
Speaker 2: it's like maybe two in the morning. She climbs into bed,
Speaker 2: and she's super daddy orientated, so she always wants to
Speaker 2: cuddle dad and kick me in the tit And that
Speaker 2: happens about right, Yeah, over and over and over. But
Speaker 2: now she started doing this new thing. So not only
Speaker 2: does she want to cuddle down and be like affectionate
Speaker 2: towards him at night time and get like you like
Speaker 2: be right in the spoon with him and kick me
Speaker 2: in the tit, she'll come around to my side of
Speaker 2: the bed and instead of like just climbing in being
Speaker 2: like a normal child, she just stands there like a
Speaker 2: tombstone until I wake up screaming, because like she'll just
Speaker 2: like touch me a little bit or stroke my cheek
Speaker 2: or like play with my hair, and it until caress
Speaker 2: to wake you up. And then there's just this figure
Speaker 2: in the dark standing there ominously over me, staring down
Speaker 2: at me like Chucky the grudge or something I feel
Speaker 2: like other Mumsey, No, she's awake, cause she's fucking petrifying. No,
Speaker 2: but I'm being honest.
Speaker 1: She could be asleep because I used to do that
Speaker 1: and I was asleep. That's quite a sleepwalking thing. You
Speaker 1: look awake, you can talk, but you're sleep.
Speaker 2: She's awake and she's standing there with a knife trying
Speaker 2: to terrorize me.
Speaker 1: It's not but she could be sleepwalking because I used
Speaker 1: to do that all the time. I caught mom and
Speaker 1: dad having sex on the lounge once when I was
Speaker 1: a child. I don't remember it, but they've told me because.
Speaker 2: I stood there.
Speaker 1: I walked in and stood there looking at them, and
Speaker 1: they just stopped and they were like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: we've been sprung. This is gonna cost us so much
Speaker 1: in therapy for the next twenty years.
Speaker 2: And I apparently just toook at my eyes up and staring.
Speaker 1: At them, and then they were like, sweetie, is everything okay?
Speaker 1: And then I said to them, if Mitch kills me,
Speaker 1: can I kill him back? Mitch is my brother. And
Speaker 1: then they realized that I must have been asleep. They're like,
Speaker 1: why would your brother kill you? And I just said,
Speaker 1: if he kills me, can I kill him back?
Speaker 2: And they were like sure, And I just went back
Speaker 2: to bed. Never remembered it, but I look away. Do
Speaker 2: you know what that actually is called? That's a repressed memory.
Speaker 2: That's trauma. If you go and have my brother tried
Speaker 2: to kill me, no, that you watched your parents having
Speaker 2: sex and then your brain was like can't commute. If
Speaker 2: you went and had hypnotherapy, that's the stuff that would
Speaker 2: come out. They would be like, oh, remember that time
Speaker 2: you saw your parents doing dogging on the couch. That's
Speaker 2: what that is. No, I wasn't doggy. I think it
Speaker 2: was missionary. No, I think mum was on top dad.
Speaker 2: But that no one needs to know that, right, that's good. Yeah,
Speaker 2: the producer Geche doesn't need that. Everyone needs that image.
Speaker 2: Here's a thought.
Speaker 1: Could be on my own thinking or not thinking, but
Speaker 1: knowing my parents have sex does not bother me.
Speaker 2: Nah, neither.
Speaker 1: Like I know a lot of people are like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I couldn't think of anything worse. Knowing my
Speaker 1: parents have sex makes me happy because I'm like, great,
Speaker 1: they've been married forty five years.
Speaker 2: I'm stoked they're still happy. You are probably alone with this,
Speaker 2: but you know, it does bother me. Walking in on
Speaker 2: my mum in a sixty niner that's what does bother me.
Speaker 2: And that is still sid into my brain.
Speaker 1: Which actually explains a lot of it.
Speaker 2: He was on top and he was on the bottom. No,
Speaker 2: we know how everything that was us to the doorway.
Speaker 2: Think of it like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think I was about ten, and I still really
Speaker 2: every so often when I'm in the depths of my trauma,
Speaker 2: that image recalls to my brain. I saw her came from.
Speaker 1: Why images don't come to mind, which means I'm not
Speaker 1: post from anyway.
Speaker 2: We do not need to talk about our parents having
Speaker 2: speaks anymore. This is fine, Sorry, mum. She never listens
Speaker 2: to the podcast Haws. She ever listened? No, she doesn't anymore.
Speaker 2: I think I said a few things early on and
Speaker 2: she was like, not for me.
Speaker 1: We'll say hi to Big Tony because my dad listens
Speaker 1: to every episode.
Speaker 2: So I had to add, and I hope you're still
Speaker 2: getting written into the sunset there. Don't get it dead,
Speaker 2: get it okay?
Speaker 3: Well, speaking of love, speaking of being happily married, I
Speaker 3: want to say that most not all, but most women
Speaker 3: at some point, from when they're a young girl to
Speaker 3: a teenager to the early twenties to whenever.
Speaker 1: At some point, I feel like women dream of the
Speaker 1: day they'll get married. They imagine it, the proposal, who
Speaker 1: it's going to be, what it's going to look like.
Speaker 1: I feel like I thought about it probably once, but
Speaker 1: it's been thirty five years, so I've let it go,
Speaker 1: so like not go think about anymore.
Speaker 2: But if it happened, stoked.
Speaker 1: But it's one of those things that I don't know,
Speaker 1: if you were the same lord. But everyone thinks about
Speaker 1: their proposal. Everyone thinks about like whether or not you
Speaker 1: want to get married or not. There's been a point
Speaker 1: in your childhood where you've thought about it, because we're
Speaker 1: brought up around this very you know, traditional idea that
Speaker 1: you get a white dress, you get married, and it's
Speaker 1: all lovely and beautiful, and your whole family's there, piket fans, yea,
Speaker 1: four kids, You talk about it, whether here someone I mean,
Speaker 1: I think there's different types of people.
Speaker 2: Some people like really really think about it, and then
Speaker 2: some people like that might happen. Probably never.
Speaker 1: Oh people have I know friends that have whole what
Speaker 1: to call that skin board?
Speaker 2: See, I don't even know that pinboard and they're not
Speaker 2: even engaged yet. I've never had a pinterest.
Speaker 1: People that have pinterests their entire life, and you know,
Speaker 1: they've got kids names, they've got their wedding dress and
Speaker 1: their venues, and they haven't even had a boyfriend. Fine,
Speaker 1: that's fine. Sure we're not gonna yuck eat someone's crazy young.
Speaker 1: It's good to have goals, yeah, drink, it's good to manifest. Well,
Speaker 1: the only time I thought about it was when I
Speaker 1: almost got married to the sociopath because he was marrying
Speaker 1: someone else. I have not thought about it again, you know,
Speaker 1: like that just sort of took away the specialness. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: when you're not the only one.
Speaker 2: But I want to tell you about this kidnapping. I
Speaker 2: don't know if you've heard about it, Laura, but no,
Speaker 2: everyone's heard about it. Yeah, everyone who's looked at the
Speaker 2: news the last couple of days. It's ae that haven't.
Speaker 1: There's a man that's gone above and beyond for the
Speaker 1: quote unquote ultimate proposal. He's actually a Sydney man. He's Australian.
Speaker 2: Adam ritsk Is. His name. Doesn't surprise me, to be honest.
Speaker 2: That's from Sydney.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's such an Australian man thing to do. He
Speaker 1: went on holiday with his lovely partner to Lebanon. He
Speaker 1: decided to surprise her there with a proposal. But what
Speaker 1: he did, for some unknown reason, he thought it would
Speaker 1: be a good idea to stage a carjacking in Lebanon.
Speaker 1: So they're in the car and all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: the car gets carjacked, she gets taken out, she gets blindfolded,
Speaker 1: there's a knife, there's these men yelling that she's been kidnapped.
Speaker 2: This is Lebanon.
Speaker 1: She is petrified. This is all on footage, petrified. They're
Speaker 1: driving for a long time. She doesn't know where they're
Speaker 1: going because she can't see. She can't or she can
Speaker 1: hear his men bumpy dirt road. They finally pull up
Speaker 1: to a destination and it's rocky gravel and they're pushing
Speaker 1: her along the road. She's literally fearing for her life.
Speaker 1: This is I don't know how long this has gone
Speaker 1: on for, but it's it's not quick.
Speaker 2: It's a problem. I think she has been fucking kidnapped.
Speaker 1: The woman thinks she's about to die, and I don't
Speaker 1: blame her. I would feel the same. And when I
Speaker 1: watched the video, I was like, she's gonna die, Like
Speaker 1: this is a proper kidnapping.
Speaker 2: So they walk her down this gravel road.
Speaker 1: When she thinks her life is over, they rip her
Speaker 1: blindfold off, and instead of there being a kidnapper that's
Speaker 1: gonna be ahead her or something, there is her partner
Speaker 1: on one knee.
Speaker 2: With a proposal.
Speaker 1: He's staged the whole kidnapping and was like, psych, you're
Speaker 1: not gonna die.
Speaker 2: It's me and I want to marry you. I am
Speaker 2: laughing at this. And the reason why I'm laughing at
Speaker 2: this is not because it's funny. It's very serious. It's
Speaker 2: absolutely outrageous. I have a lot of feelings about it,
Speaker 2: and I'm sure I ran in a little bit. The
Speaker 2: reason why I'm laughing is because I knew dating in
Speaker 2: Sydney was fucked. I knew that it was hard to
Speaker 2: find a good man, but I didn't think it was
Speaker 2: this hard.
Speaker 1: Do you know what makes it worse? It gets worse.
Speaker 1: Surely you think, all right, this has got to be
Speaker 1: Like he's in Lebanon. He's had a last minute, spontaneous
Speaker 1: idea like this could be fun.
Speaker 2: Let me just quickly organize this in ten minutes. This
Speaker 2: was like you didn't think it through. Like it's one
Speaker 2: of those things that you you think it's gonna be
Speaker 2: a good idea and you do it on a whim
Speaker 2: and then you're like.
Speaker 1: Huh, I youel like I wish I sat on that
Speaker 1: and thought about it. Yeah, three months he planned this.
Speaker 1: He also planned it with his sister. So this has
Speaker 1: gone through multiple people and a large amount of time
Speaker 1: has gone by. There's been a lot of times that
Speaker 1: this could have been shut down, but they thought it
Speaker 1: was a brilliant idea. And you know what, the even
Speaker 1: crazier part is she said yes, Yeah, but to be fair,
Speaker 1: yes to the kidnap.
Speaker 2: To be fair, I've been in relationships where I so
Speaker 2: wanted them to propose to me. Is I probably would
Speaker 2: have said yes too in the past. Not anymore. I'm
Speaker 2: not saying it's a good thing. I'm saying, like, deeply flawed.
Speaker 2: So stop doing fucking proposals for Instagram? Oh what are
Speaker 2: you doing that for? Like? Are you doing that for
Speaker 2: clicks on TikTok? Are you doing that for people to
Speaker 2: like get a viral download? You haven't thought, hmm, what's
Speaker 2: the way to really mark this engagement? What's the best
Speaker 2: way that's going to be super special that we can
Speaker 2: look back on and used to come, Ah, I will
Speaker 2: kidnap her and make her petrified for her life trauma bond. Yes.
Speaker 1: I just couldn't believe it. And I'm all for pranks.
Speaker 1: And he came out and said, you know, we like
Speaker 1: to prank each other. We often prank each other. Hide
Speaker 1: behind the kitchen door and jump out and scan them.
Speaker 2: Don't kidnap them with a knife and three strange men.
Speaker 2: Maybe she said yes because she was so relieved that
Speaker 2: it was him at the end, like she genuinely thought
Speaker 2: she was so close to a near death experience that
Speaker 2: the only reasonable thing to come out of her mouth
Speaker 2: was like, oh my god, thank god, it's you. And
Speaker 2: then he interpreted that as a ye, yes. Do you
Speaker 2: think she was probably like, yes, I'm not being kidnapped.
Speaker 2: I'm just like yes, yes, yes, no, okay. But the
Speaker 2: thing that's even wilder is that. So since this has happened,
Speaker 2: obviously it's garnered a massive amount of views cross social media,
Speaker 2: which is why everyone's talking about it, which is what
Speaker 2: makes me think that this is the whole reason why
Speaker 2: it was done in the first place. But she's gone
Speaker 2: on to say so her name is Vanessa. She's gone
Speaker 2: on to upload photos from her engagement, and she says
Speaker 2: it was a dream come true. It was a dream
Speaker 2: come true, which also makes me think maybe they're just
Speaker 2: into some fucking weird kinks. Nah, maybe she likes it.
Speaker 2: Maybe she's really into BDSM like ming Pata took it
Speaker 2: one step further.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think she's convinced herself that it was the
Speaker 1: best day of a line.
Speaker 2: Adam's sister also said Adam always joked that he wanted
Speaker 2: to propose to Vanessa in a way to scare her,
Speaker 2: and my family joined in and made it possible when
Speaker 2: she was visiting family in Lebanon. They always play pranks
Speaker 2: on each other, so it's just their relationship. There's a limit.
Speaker 2: There is still a limit.
Speaker 1: There's a line, and you crossed it big time.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, what would you do? I would say no,
Speaker 2: I'm not kidding.
Speaker 1: I'd say no, and I would It's hard to know
Speaker 1: because you're not in it, but I reckon I would
Speaker 1: break up with him.
Speaker 2: I'd probably get back together with him.
Speaker 1: But I'd be like, if you think this is normal, Like,
Speaker 1: if you think this is how I wanted this to
Speaker 1: go down After ten years, they've been together for ten years,
Speaker 1: and he still thought this was.
Speaker 2: A good idea. I genuinely look back on my past
Speaker 2: relationships and think, there have been times in my life
Speaker 2: where I so desperately wanted to be married. It was terrible,
Speaker 2: bad relationships, trauma, toxic, so you just want I reckon
Speaker 2: that if someone had done it, I would have been like, oh,
Speaker 2: at least they proposed, Like, at least I'm now getting married.
Speaker 2: Shows he loves me. It means he actually loves me.
Speaker 2: I would have convinced myself that that was like a
Speaker 2: good thing. I actually feel like I'm the opposite. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I mean, I was pretty crazy in my twenties. I
Speaker 2: wouldn't recommend it.
Speaker 1: And Ben, if you listening to this, do not take
Speaker 1: me to Levenon, do not kidnap me, and do not
Speaker 1: pretend that my life is over.
Speaker 2: I don't think he was ever gonna do that. I
Speaker 2: get a really strong feeling that you've made that pretty clear. Anyway,
Speaker 2: before we get into answering your questions, I have a
Speaker 2: vibe today. I don't know if it's a hot take,
Speaker 2: but I'm gonna tell you anyway because I'm fucking loving them.
Speaker 2: So I find it really hard to get bike shorts.
Speaker 2: This sounds dumb, but bear with me. My legs look
Speaker 2: like you know when you buy two sausages and they're
Speaker 2: still connected. That's what bike shorts do to my legs.
Speaker 2: They just cut me in the middle and sucking around
Speaker 2: a ring, and then my legs like billow out below
Speaker 2: the bottom of it. That is not accurate. It's because
Speaker 2: I'm thin, but I'm not toned. There's no tone to
Speaker 2: these legs. They're just soft, and so bike shorts cut
Speaker 2: in in the middle.
Speaker 1: See what you're saying is you found some non sausage
Speaker 1: bike pants.
Speaker 2: You've only seen me in a pair of bike shorts
Speaker 2: that you can't actually wear exercising, like soft bike shorts
Speaker 2: from I actually think i've seen your bike pants once
Speaker 2: in life. You know, you've seen in those cream ones
Speaker 2: that are from Zuloff ribbed ones, which you can't exercise
Speaker 2: in them because your bum falls out the back.
Speaker 1: No, I wouldn't call them bike pants.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're fashion okay, but then yeah, I bought bike
Speaker 2: shorts and they're freaking great. And if you're someone who
Speaker 2: feels like a sausage when you put them on. And
Speaker 2: I don't mean, I don't know between the podcast, don't
Speaker 2: name drop. No, it's country road Country road bike shorts there, Yes,
Speaker 2: And that's why it's my vibe because I walked in
Speaker 2: there it was unsuspecting I saw them on the shelf.
Speaker 2: It was actually I was at the airport and I
Speaker 2: was going to something where I needed to wear active
Speaker 2: where and I'd forgot to pack it, and I was like,
Speaker 2: would have been Rockhampton. No, it was something that was
Speaker 2: being shot and I was like, okay, I'll get them,
Speaker 2: it's jeopardy. And then I put them on and they
Speaker 2: were amazing, seamless, straight down the thigh.
Speaker 1: Are they actual exercise bike pants?
Speaker 2: I did the exercise in them, and I think it
Speaker 2: went well. I love that for you. Yeah, so who
Speaker 2: would have thought country road bike shorts for exercise where
Speaker 2: if you are somebody who finds the bike shorts always
Speaker 2: cut you in the middle of the thigh, Okay, I
Speaker 2: always get a cameltoe. Yeah, No, No, camelto like kind
Speaker 2: of a bit reinforced. You need the ones that have
Speaker 2: a bit of not that it's battered in the middle,
Speaker 2: but it's just a bit thicker in the middle. For
Speaker 2: anyone who actually has a LaBier.
Speaker 1: Well, I also think when we're talking about camelto's like
Speaker 1: it's a natural part, there's nothing wrong with it. But
Speaker 1: some people are more prone to them than others.
Speaker 2: But it's literally women with labiers. No.
Speaker 1: I think the reason I get them is because I
Speaker 1: like high waist and I have quite a long torso,
Speaker 1: so for bike pants to get to my high waist,
Speaker 1: they just jack up a bit, do you know what
Speaker 1: I mean?
Speaker 2: So I think that's why I just think some of
Speaker 2: us have medium muffs, and it's fine, that's my problem.
Speaker 1: That's true, lots of different musks, but mine's definitely.
Speaker 2: We love to call it that someone's gonna get angry.
Speaker 2: So someone's going to write to us right now and
Speaker 2: say it's evolva I have we know.
Speaker 1: I haven't said mums since I was about twelve, so okay, fourteen,
Speaker 1: All right, let's not call it that then.
Speaker 2: Anyway, what's your vibe?
Speaker 1: I didn't have one, but I have a big unsubscribe.
Speaker 2: Oh yes she is.
Speaker 1: This is probably the biggest unsubscribed that there is, and
Speaker 1: I don't think you can actually do it.
Speaker 2: Oh instead of recommending something you're angry this week, I
Speaker 2: really want it like.
Speaker 1: An a controversial but I want to unsubscribe from Coachella.
Speaker 2: It is.
Speaker 1: I do not want to see one more thing of Cochella.
Speaker 1: Not because I'm jealous, not because I have fomo, because
Speaker 1: I feel like it's gotten to the point where it's
Speaker 1: changed and it.
Speaker 2: Is so performative.
Speaker 1: There are people coming out, They are all these stories now,
Speaker 1: like it's just clogging my feet and I don't want
Speaker 1: to look at anymore. But there are people coming out
Speaker 1: and saying that loads of people fake going to Coachella.
Speaker 1: They don't go, and you can tell when they don't
Speaker 1: have the wristbands. They do the whole thing. They get
Speaker 1: dressed up, they pretend they're there, they photoshop them in,
Speaker 1: they do all this stuff and they're not even there.
Speaker 2: Wait, are they actually in the country or they're just
Speaker 2: standing in front of a green screen at Crichello I
Speaker 2: think a to be but no.
Speaker 1: A lot of people go, but they don't go in
Speaker 1: the gates, and other people just take photos dressed up,
Speaker 1: pretending they're somewhere with like a plain background.
Speaker 2: But that's the same as fashion week, fashion Week in Sydney,
Speaker 2: Mercedes Fashion Week, whatever it's called. Now. You go there
Speaker 2: and there's influencers out the front taking photos, but they're
Speaker 2: not going to the shows. They're just standing at carriage works.
Speaker 2: Coachella is a giant carriage works. Wow.
Speaker 1: I love people having fun fun, But for me, I
Speaker 1: don't sure. It's just my ANSWER's crime this week. I
Speaker 1: want to just like I wish I could type in
Speaker 1: the hashtag Coachella and then mute it for this week.
Speaker 2: That's all. I'm just I feel the grumpy.
Speaker 1: I'm just probably old and grumpy because I'm not sleeping.
Speaker 2: I feel the same when it's Burning Man. I feel
Speaker 2: the same when it's Coachella. I feel the same when
Speaker 2: it's Fashion Week. Anything that kind of like clogs your
Speaker 2: feet and takes it by storm. And I get it.
Speaker 2: I get the people go to Burning Man and they
Speaker 2: have life altering experiences because they took mushrooms for a
Speaker 2: week and they feel like they're enlightened and they look amazing.
Speaker 2: These festivals look amazing. They do, they do. But I
Speaker 2: also think a lot of these things now half it's
Speaker 2: for the experience and half of it's for Instagram.
Speaker 1: Well, another girl put up I just saw this this morning,
Speaker 1: and influencer put up how ludicrously expensive food and stuff
Speaker 1: is there? And she put up a photo of what
Speaker 1: she bought a cost her seventy bucks sixty eight dollars,
Speaker 1: and it was like scraps. It looks like you picked
Speaker 1: something up off the ground that someone else has eaten.
Speaker 2: And you know what, maybe this is me. I think
Speaker 2: it is, do you know I? Because if you went
Speaker 2: to Coachella, you'd be posting the shit out of it,
Speaker 2: So I think it's you.
Speaker 1: Maybe one day I'll tick it off maybe it's not
Speaker 1: even on my bucket list, but maybe I was supposed
Speaker 1: to go last year.
Speaker 2: Do you remember that? And then you would have been
Speaker 2: someone you hate?
Speaker 1: Remember a guy asked me on a date from here
Speaker 1: to Coachella, who's gonna fly me on a prep plane?
Speaker 2: Why didn't you go?
Speaker 1: I thought, I don't even usually do dinner on a
Speaker 1: first date, so flying to Coachella was pretty big.
Speaker 2: All right, let's get into answering these questions. Question number one, Now, Britain,
Speaker 2: I have different feelings about this. My boyfriend and I
Speaker 2: have been together for three years. Three years. Keep that
Speaker 2: in mind, he's thirty six months. Is it? That was good?
Speaker 2: That was good? Mass real fidding more? Bumpum did not
Speaker 2: do masks or he's got a calculator? Actually, Like, I
Speaker 2: need to confirm. I stopped maths when I was in
Speaker 2: year ten. I was like, I'm never going to use
Speaker 2: this shit and I never had three years? Is well, okay,
Speaker 2: I'd have to do you know how I'd have to
Speaker 2: count that up. I'd have to go ten, ten, ten,
Speaker 2: and then six. You wouldn't go. That's how I would
Speaker 2: count it. I wouldn't go twelve, twenty four, thirty six
Speaker 2: no that like my brain's having an aneurysm. I have
Speaker 2: to go. I have to break it down ten ten,
Speaker 2: ten six. I still count sit on my hands. That's
Speaker 2: going to make some people feel better about themselves. Counting
Speaker 2: is not It's not something that I excel at, and
Speaker 2: I'm okay with it all right here. It is. My
Speaker 2: boyfriend and I have been together for thirty six months.
Speaker 2: He's the best thing that's ever had than to me,
Speaker 2: and I know one day we will be married. However,
Speaker 2: I often think about the time I slept with his
Speaker 2: younger brother one drunken night dum, only two weeks before
Speaker 2: my boyfriend and I started seeing each other. I don't
Speaker 2: know if my boyfriend knows that this even happened. I
Speaker 2: certainly haven't told him, and I'm unsure if his younger
Speaker 2: brother has either. It was a one night thing, and
Speaker 2: the brother and I have never spoken about it since.
Speaker 2: We have also remained really great friends, and I now
Speaker 2: feel I am a part of their family. My question
Speaker 2: is do I tell my boyfriend about the one time
Speaker 2: I fucked his brother. I'm not sure how he would
Speaker 2: react if he was to find out later down the track,
Speaker 2: but given he may already know is the fact neither
Speaker 2: of us have ever brought it up. Weird, don't It's
Speaker 2: been three years, it's been thirty six months. Stop stop
Speaker 2: walking you are You are ruminating in your thoughts. Some
Speaker 2: things just need to go to the grave. You left
Speaker 2: it pove loong and he does not need to know.
Speaker 1: Disagree, No, disagree in the fact of I don't think
Speaker 1: he needs to know now. But what I'm feeling from
Speaker 1: this is you're obviously thinking about this a lot like
Speaker 1: this is on your mind. It's been thirty six months,
Speaker 1: and you are constantly worried about if he knows, which
Speaker 1: is fair. I would think that too every day. If
Speaker 1: I was in your situation, I would be like, is
Speaker 1: today the day? Did he find out yesterday? If you've
Speaker 1: had a fight and he's off you for something you
Speaker 1: don't know, you're like, oh my god, as his brother
Speaker 1: said something, has someone else said something, has a third
Speaker 1: party said something. There is a chance that this will
Speaker 1: come out there one hundred percent is a chance.
Speaker 2: And I think if it ever happens, you like play
Speaker 2: the fifth, I don't even know that's that. Don't If
Speaker 2: you plead it, you plead it, or you say you
Speaker 2: have amnesia, you don't remember. Just to a Harrison from APS,
Speaker 2: I can't remember. I must played the fifth Yeah, I'm sorry,
Speaker 2: I don't remember so long ago. Speak about that, or
Speaker 2: if it passes the ten in your mark, you can
Speaker 2: pretend it's like your tax and just say you didn't
Speaker 2: keep the receipts. I don't remember. No, because you can
Speaker 2: go to prison for that. Noe. No, you can't up
Speaker 2: ten years gone.
Speaker 1: Let's be okay, here we go. This is serious, is it?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 2: This is her life on the light.
Speaker 1: I think what I would do in this situation the
Speaker 1: sensible thing to do, because I'm gonna say that if
Speaker 1: your partner finds out about it, you've gotta know about it.
Speaker 2: I think he's.
Speaker 1: Gonna bring it up like you're gonna have a combo.
Speaker 1: What I would do is probably go and speak to
Speaker 1: the brother. Only if you're that concerned and you feel
Speaker 1: like you can't sleep another wink and you have anxiety
Speaker 1: every day, because that's a horrible feeling, and it is
Speaker 1: is today the day something's going to happen. It's a
Speaker 1: horrible feeling. I'd speak to the brother. Not ideal, but
Speaker 1: I would be like, yo, bro in law, do you
Speaker 1: plan on ever talking to your brother about this, I'd
Speaker 1: just say your feelings. I would just say, like, I'm
Speaker 1: really anxious about it. You didn't do anything wrong, you
Speaker 1: slept with h before you with the brother. But there
Speaker 1: is a level now of you've kept a pretty big
Speaker 1: secret for thirty six months.
Speaker 2: If I was with my partner for.
Speaker 1: Thirty six months and he then had said, oh I
Speaker 1: had found out, Like, you know, I've got to clear
Speaker 1: the air. I slept with sheriff and two weeks before
Speaker 1: I was with you, and everyone knew that except me
Speaker 1: for those six months. I don't want to say i'd
Speaker 1: break up because I don't know if that's the answer.
Speaker 1: Bit to lie and betrayal from a your family member
Speaker 1: and be your partner is pretty pretty humongous.
Speaker 2: What if the brother doesn't remember either, Hember? What if
Speaker 2: he doesn't remember? What if she then goes, hey, remember
Speaker 2: that time we had sex and he's like, oh my god,
Speaker 2: it was you, And then he tells the brother. What
Speaker 2: if that happens are.
Speaker 1: He remembers, I think if it would have been the
Speaker 1: best sex of his life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, obviously, my only worry is if nobody's talking about it,
Speaker 2: if it's been three years and you start to bring
Speaker 2: up things from the past and having conversations with the
Speaker 2: brother or whatever, start talking about it. It could bring
Speaker 2: it to the surface, and it could make it front
Speaker 2: of mine, and it could make the brother want to
Speaker 2: talk about it. Maybe they go out, they have a
Speaker 2: few beers, and then he decides to share that information.
Speaker 2: I actually think it's very deceptive to go to the
Speaker 2: brother and say, hey, are you going to tell him
Speaker 2: or not get that information and then be like, it's
Speaker 2: our secret to have. I think that's even worse because
Speaker 2: then you're in on a lie. You're in on a
Speaker 2: secret that you have already in on a line but
Speaker 2: it's not been spoken about that you're conspiring with the
Speaker 2: brother to then purposely keep a lie. My thought is,
Speaker 2: if it comes up down the track because the brother
Speaker 2: does decide to talk about it, you can at least
Speaker 2: be honest. You can say I have never ever ever
Speaker 2: spoken to your brother about it since it happened. I'm
Speaker 2: sorry I didn't bring it up. There was never a
Speaker 2: good time to bring up the conversation of I fucked
Speaker 2: your brother before we were together, and once I fell
Speaker 2: in love with you, I was so frightened that you
Speaker 2: wouldn't want to be with me because of it. I
Speaker 2: think it is worse to go and speak to the brother,
Speaker 2: to conspire on a lie and to then not tell
Speaker 2: your partner than what it is to continue just keeping
Speaker 2: it the way it is currently. That is more deceptive
Speaker 2: and that is eviler. I agree with you.
Speaker 1: What you're missing here is the fact that she's extremely uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: She thinks she needs to get over it or talk
Speaker 1: to if she's got anxiety. Yeah, there you go, there's
Speaker 1: your talks to boyfriend. She's got anxiety and she's worried
Speaker 1: about it. So you can't just live a life like
Speaker 1: that like you. She has to make a decisions.
Speaker 2: Go speak to a therapist about it, don't go and
Speaker 2: speak to the brother. This is my honest opinion. I
Speaker 2: don't think you should speak to your current boyfriend about
Speaker 2: it since you've been together for three years. I think
Speaker 2: it's going to create a lot of problems, which really
Speaker 2: sometimes the past can just be in the past, especially
Speaker 2: if there isn't an overlap. But I just don't think
Speaker 2: speaking to the brother about it is the right thing
Speaker 2: to do to your current partner. So if you have
Speaker 2: anxiety about it, I'll go and book a consultation with
Speaker 2: a therapist to talk through it.
Speaker 1: But that's not going to help the anxiety because the
Speaker 1: anxiety is her wondering if it's going to come up,
Speaker 1: and if he already knows, that's the question, is it
Speaker 1: going to come up? Because the thing that I think
Speaker 1: about is there is not a guy. I don't care
Speaker 1: what anyone says. There is not a guy in the
Speaker 1: history of time that will have sex with someone and
Speaker 1: not tell someone else someone, No one ever. No guy
Speaker 1: takes sex to the grave ever, especially when it's a
Speaker 1: secret as big as your brother's girlfriend. Sorry guys, he's
Speaker 1: told someone someone knows about that, then that's someone that
Speaker 1: knows about it.
Speaker 2: They don't keep that sort of secret. This is big shit.
Speaker 1: So what if one time in the future they have
Speaker 1: a conversation and it slips out. I think that's what
Speaker 1: the anxiety is, and that's where my anxiety would be.
Speaker 2: I don't think you should speak to the boyfriend right now.
Speaker 1: I know that's not what I'm saying, But if you
Speaker 1: are that concerned in this situation, there's not really any
Speaker 1: I don't believe there's any good answer, Like there's nothing.
Speaker 2: That is easy for sure, you left it too long.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're thirty, you're ten plus ten perst ten plus six.
Speaker 2: But I don't personally like the advice of going and
Speaker 2: speaking to the brother and kind of getting from him
Speaker 2: and sussing that out, because even as you say, Britt,
Speaker 2: maybe someone else knows. Maybe that information is never going
Speaker 2: to come from the brother, Maybe it's going to come
Speaker 2: from the brother's friend. I worry that doing that creates
Speaker 2: even more of a triangulation in the relationship. It creates
Speaker 2: a purposeful secret. It's not just a secret that has happened.
Speaker 2: I agree where you've all ignored the elephant in the room.
Speaker 2: It creates real, purposeful deceit against your current partner, and
Speaker 2: I don't like that.
Speaker 1: What you could do is just played this episode in
Speaker 1: the background and let him hear it, like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: what would you do?
Speaker 2: And then be like, imagine if I had slept with
Speaker 2: your brother, what do you think would be the best outcome?
Speaker 2: What would you do in the situation? And then see
Speaker 2: what he's saying.
Speaker 1: Clear speaking, if this were us and that was Bobby.
Speaker 2: It's really hard. On the look, there isn't a clear
Speaker 2: cut answer, because if we were going to be the
Speaker 2: moral take the moral high ground. The clear cut answer
Speaker 2: would be to sit down have a conversation with your
Speaker 2: boyrid We don't take the high ground, but we're also
Speaker 2: realistic that sometimes there are things that happen in relationships
Speaker 2: prior to relationships that information. Like if your boyfriend receives
Speaker 2: that information now and he's not being privy to it,
Speaker 2: and you decide to make a great, big, grand deal
Speaker 2: about it and sit him down and talk about it,
Speaker 2: it's going to be something that he has to overcome.
Speaker 2: It could fundamentally affect your relationship. Do you want that?
Speaker 1: I do agree though, that if the time comes, for
Speaker 1: whatever reason, whether you decide to speak to your brother,
Speaker 1: whether it comes out at any stage, play fifth.
Speaker 2: Plead, the fifth stop playing, play the fifth plead.
Speaker 1: It do what Laura said, which was just be really
Speaker 1: honest and say like it happened before I met you,
Speaker 1: and then I just felty hard and there was no
Speaker 1: coming back and I didn't want to lose you, and
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, thirty six months in the past,
Speaker 1: like just explain it like that and beg.
Speaker 2: It meant nothing. It meant nothing, and you know, I mean,
Speaker 2: it's so hard because sometimes we do things in our
Speaker 2: past that affect what we want in the future without
Speaker 2: doing anything wrong, you know, like without ever stepping a
Speaker 2: foot out of place. You having sex with the brother
Speaker 2: two weeks before is just hugely unfortunate timing and you
Speaker 2: have done absolutely nothing wrong. So I just don't think
Speaker 2: you need to wear the level of anxiety or where
Speaker 2: the level of stress, or feel as though you're living
Speaker 2: in this huge amount of deceit because you're not. I
Speaker 2: understand he would want to know. I understand like I
Speaker 2: would want to know if Matt had had sex with
Speaker 2: my sister, I'd feel like that was a betrayal. But
Speaker 2: the thing is is like the relationship, I don't know. Fuck,
Speaker 2: it's so put yourself in that per relationship.
Speaker 1: Matt came out now and said I wouldn't want to
Speaker 1: know now, but I not want to know. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: you don't want to know, but someone's told you you know,
Speaker 1: wouldn't you feel the ultimate betrayal?
Speaker 2: It's such a tricky one. You wouldn't be like youte,
Speaker 2: guys love that for you. Do you know what? I
Speaker 2: would not care as much now as what I probably
Speaker 2: would have in the past, obviously, because I'm married, and
Speaker 2: my relationship feels very secure. But if Matt was to
Speaker 2: turn around and be like, hey, I had sex with
Speaker 2: a sister X amount of time before we got together,
Speaker 2: you wouldn't care. I would care. I would care. There
Speaker 2: would be a part of me the cap. I'm not
Speaker 2: going to leave my relationship for it. Well, no, it's not.
Speaker 2: The problem's not the sex. It's not talking about who
Speaker 2: would you be more mad at. Would be more mad
Speaker 2: at your partner or your sister?
Speaker 1: Probably for me, I reckon, I carry yeah sister because
Speaker 1: they're my best friends.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I can understand why a partner didn't say
Speaker 2: it in the beginning, because they're trying to impress you.
Speaker 2: They want to be with you. But I would be
Speaker 2: confused as to why my best friend didn't say, Hey,
Speaker 2: that guy that you're dating, I also say with him,
Speaker 2: just like the time you started dating someone and I
Speaker 2: was like, hey, I also slept with him. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Weird that the brother was like, yo, bro, I fucked her.
Speaker 2: He probably has forgotten. He probably forgot. Did not forget.
Speaker 2: I've forgotten. Some people have been inside me. They've all
Speaker 2: Oh that is so concerned. Okay. Question number two also
Speaker 2: has two Okay, anyway. Question number two wrong with you too.
Speaker 2: I have never you remember the name of every single
Speaker 2: person you've had sex with. Every single one.
Speaker 1: It was two weeks prior. It's not twelve years you two.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, question number two. I can't deal with
Speaker 1: either of you.
Speaker 2: Okay, question.
Speaker 1: I've been with my partner for six years and we
Speaker 1: have a twelve month old. Today he had a serious
Speaker 1: talk with me about being present and how much I
Speaker 1: use my phone. He works full time and I'm the
Speaker 1: primary caregiver. When he gets home, I get to have
Speaker 1: my break, so I enjoyed my time going on TikTok
Speaker 1: and Instagram and just scrolling.
Speaker 2: I'm really feeling the mum guilt? Now?
Speaker 1: Am I being a shit mum? How do I approach
Speaker 1: this conversation? I mean, you're the mum here.
Speaker 2: I know you're not being a shit mum. I think like, okay,
Speaker 2: let's unpack this. Are you on your phone all the
Speaker 2: time during the day when you're caring for your child?
Speaker 2: Are you using your phone constantly? Is your child constantly
Speaker 2: trying to get your attention? Because at every moment when
Speaker 2: you're not interacting one on one with them, you're on
Speaker 2: your phone. If that's the case, then yeah, absolutely you
Speaker 2: need to look at your phone usage. And you know
Speaker 2: because kids connect with us, and I know, for example
Speaker 2: with Malea Lola, I know when I'm on my like
Speaker 2: you could be playing, but really you're like half playing
Speaker 2: and you're on your phone. Kids know that you're not
Speaker 2: plugged into them. They know that you're not engaging with them,
Speaker 2: and they act out when you're doing that. When you're
Speaker 2: like half paying them attention but you're obviously more distracted
Speaker 2: and more interested in your phone, they feel a sense
Speaker 2: of rejection. And I have definitely witnessed that in my kids,
Speaker 2: and I'm super conscious about not if I'm giving them
Speaker 2: my attention, they get all of it. If I'm on
Speaker 2: my phone, my phone gets all of it, and I
Speaker 2: go into another room and I don't try and do
Speaker 2: the two at the same time. If your partner is
Speaker 2: not seeing the mum that you are during the day
Speaker 2: when he's at work, and the only time he's seeing
Speaker 2: it is when he comes home, and then you're opting
Speaker 2: to be on your phone, that doesn't make you bad mum,
Speaker 2: of course not. It just means that you're wanting some downtime.
Speaker 2: So the solution to this, I think is really simple.
Speaker 2: I think the solution is, hey, honey, when you come
Speaker 2: home from work, can you take the kids for forty
Speaker 2: five minutes. I'm going to go for a walk. You
Speaker 2: don't have to go for a walk, just leave the house,
Speaker 2: leave the environment, and go and sit in a park
Speaker 2: on your phone for forty five minutes. And the reason
Speaker 2: for that is is because as long as you're in
Speaker 2: the house, as long as you're in the same room
Speaker 2: as your kids, your kids are going to want your attention,
Speaker 2: and they're going to see that you're on your phone,
Speaker 2: and your partner's going to see that you're ignoring them
Speaker 2: and you're on your phone. So this issue is being
Speaker 2: created by perception more than what you're actually doing. So
Speaker 2: I think just take your forty five minutes of alone
Speaker 2: time and go and do it outside the house. It
Speaker 2: doesn't matter what you do, do pilates, watch TikTok for
Speaker 2: forty five minutes. Who fucking cares, But like, really allocate
Speaker 2: that time out or do it once kids are in bed.
Speaker 1: I agree, but I don't think you need to leave
Speaker 1: the house if you don't want it. Like, you're allowed
Speaker 1: to go on your phone at the end of the day.
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if when I read this again, I'm wondering
Speaker 1: if also your husband might feel like he hasn't seen
Speaker 1: you all day either, so he's just.
Speaker 2: Gotten home totally and then you're on the phone.
Speaker 1: So I wonder if he's actually like, I want to
Speaker 1: connect with you as well, like you're not even talking
Speaker 1: to me, you're not listening to me. Whereas because you
Speaker 1: are the primary caregiver stabbing the dark here, but he
Speaker 1: might not know just how much you're doing all day
Speaker 1: every day with the kids, and he might not know
Speaker 1: quite what that involves on a mote.
Speaker 2: There's absolutely no way that he knows. That's the thing.
Speaker 2: The person who's at work, So and we say this, man,
Speaker 2: I say this all the time. Whoever goes to work
Speaker 2: and doesn't have the kids has the easier day one
Speaker 2: hundred percent of the time because being stuck at home
Speaker 2: and I shouldn't say stuck, it's not stuck, but being
Speaker 2: at home with children all day every day is unrelenting
Speaker 2: and it is extremely exhausting work. It's rewarding. We all
Speaker 2: know that, but like we cannot deny that it is
Speaker 2: fucking hard to.
Speaker 1: Well, that's why I'm thinking that maybe it's a bit
Speaker 1: of a b to be so he might not realize
Speaker 1: how much you just need a break because he might
Speaker 1: not look at it like you've been at work for
Speaker 1: the last ten hours, So he might be like you've
Speaker 1: just been at home.
Speaker 2: You know, and he wants you. He wants to have
Speaker 2: a conversation with you about your day and his day
Speaker 2: and connect. But that's also why I say, I think
Speaker 2: it's really good to have a conversation about carving out
Speaker 2: that forty five minutes or an hour and leaving the house,
Speaker 2: because the thing is is everybody sees screen time as
Speaker 2: a really negative thing. It doesn't always have to be
Speaker 2: a negative thing. Sometimes it is a great way of
Speaker 2: just completely disassociating from what's going on around you. It's
Speaker 2: a great way to kind of just like, Okay, that's
Speaker 2: my downtime, that's my mental literally like my numbing mental meantime.
Speaker 2: And it's okay to have those moments. But if your
Speaker 2: partner is feeling like he comes into the room then
Speaker 2: he asks you a question and you sem me ignore him,
Speaker 2: or the kids are asking you things because you're doing
Speaker 2: it around them, the easiest way to combat that is
Speaker 2: just to go away for forty five minutes and then
Speaker 2: you kind of have your cup field. But it's when
Speaker 2: you take the break and you go, I'm doing ten
Speaker 2: minutes here on my phone, ten minutes here on my phone,
Speaker 2: twenty minutes here on my phone, that it seems like
Speaker 2: you're never off your phone. That's the problem. If you
Speaker 2: do it all through the evening with little chunks, it
Speaker 2: gives the perception that all you are is on your phone.
Speaker 2: There's also I mean, we might be.
Speaker 1: Going off piece here, but there's nothing worse than when
Speaker 1: you're talking to someone I'll say a partner now because
Speaker 1: we're talking about that, but.
Speaker 2: Even a friend, anyone.
Speaker 1: When you're trying to talk to someone and they're on
Speaker 1: their phone, and if it's something like even if it's mundane,
Speaker 1: it's a problem, but if it's something quite deep and
Speaker 1: serious and someone's on their phone, it's so offensive because.
Speaker 2: You're like, are you even listening to what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So when it's a partner two you haven't seen all
Speaker 1: day and someone's trying to talk to you and you're
Speaker 1: just looking down like mm hmmmmmmmm, like you're going to
Speaker 1: start an argument at some point.
Speaker 2: And that's the thing is though, is that you can't
Speaker 2: even get into those deep conversations because when someone's on
Speaker 2: the phone, it's such a ball for communication and contact.
Speaker 2: Matt and I have a system now in our house
Speaker 2: because for me, I work on my phone a lot.
Speaker 2: So I am on my phone so often. Yeah, you
Speaker 2: both do, yeah, And the reason for that is because
Speaker 2: I run my emails, I run Tony May from my phone.
Speaker 2: We do all our podcast organization and whatnot from phones.
Speaker 2: So like, I'm on my phone so much. And definitely
Speaker 2: there has been a time where not so much in
Speaker 2: terms of the kids, but in terms of Matt and
Speaker 2: my relationship. He has felt a sense of rejection because
Speaker 2: I'd be on my phone doing something and he would
Speaker 2: ask me a question and I cannot multitask in that way.
Speaker 2: Like if I'm doing something on my phone and someone's
Speaker 2: talking at me, yeah, you can't. It doesn't go into
Speaker 2: my brain. I'm responding, but I'm not actually communicating with them.
Speaker 2: So Matt and I now have a system where if
Speaker 2: he can see that I'm doing something on my phone,
Speaker 2: he'll say, I need to ask you a question. Can
Speaker 2: you let me know when I can speak to you?
Speaker 2: And then it's a very clear, put the phone down,
Speaker 2: and we have a conversation, and then I can go
Speaker 2: back to whatever I'm doing. But it's the trying to
Speaker 2: multitask and you physically can't, your brain cannot do it,
Speaker 2: and so you're giving literally ten percent of yourself to
Speaker 2: your partner or to your kids whilst you're scrolling TikTok.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And sometimes I think, as like everyone try and
Speaker 1: keep this front of mind for the next week. Sometimes
Speaker 1: you'll pick your phone up when someone's talking to you.
Speaker 2: You don't even have anything to do.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you're just you'll see the person scrolling or something
Speaker 1: on Instagram, and you're like, you're not even urgently doing anything.
Speaker 2: It's just a habit that you pick up your phone
Speaker 2: and you're open TikTok. I would actually say that that's
Speaker 2: more often than not. We are so conditioned to have
Speaker 2: our phone in our hands. We're so conditioned to just
Speaker 2: open an app when there's no other stimulus, or if
Speaker 2: we've checked out of a conversation for a couple of seconds.
Speaker 2: It's so second nature to just be like listen and
Speaker 2: scroll at the same time. And I think if you're
Speaker 2: really conscious about that behavior, you start to realize just
Speaker 2: how frequently, so many people do it. But at the
Speaker 2: end of the day, no, you're not being a bad mum.
Speaker 1: You've been a normal human that has worked their us
Speaker 1: off all day with their kids, and like any other
Speaker 1: normal human, you want to switch your brain off.
Speaker 2: How do we do that?
Speaker 1: We scroll aimlessly on our phone. We do whatever we
Speaker 1: want on our phone, So you can totally you're not
Speaker 1: doing anything wrong. It's just about fitting in with others
Speaker 1: around you.
Speaker 2: Can. I also say on this like I think sometimes
Speaker 2: because like mum, gil, you can't escape it. You're aways
Speaker 2: going to feel it about something. Right now, Someone's always
Speaker 2: gonna say something. Yeah, someone's gonna say something that triggers
Speaker 2: in you that a fuck. I haven't been doing the
Speaker 2: best job I possibly can do. None of us are
Speaker 2: doing perfect parenting, not a single person. My parent Dolilah
Speaker 2: pree Keisha does too because she has a fifty percent
Speaker 2: of the joint. Yeah. But like, guilt is such a
Speaker 2: great motivator for changing behavior sometimes as well. So if
Speaker 2: you are now that you have thought about it, you're
Speaker 2: gonna be so much more conscious about your phone use.
Speaker 2: And that doesn't mean that you can't use your phone.
Speaker 2: Doesn't mean you're not entitled to Instagram doesn't mean you're
Speaker 2: not entitled to sit on social media because God knows
Speaker 2: fucking mum's need the downtime more than anyone. It just
Speaker 2: means you won't do it around your kids, and that's
Speaker 2: great as well. All right, last question. There is a
Speaker 2: girl that I used to be quite good friends with
Speaker 2: now not best friends, but we were close. Her and
Speaker 2: I had a falling out about a year ago. It
Speaker 2: resulted in me blocking her on social media because of
Speaker 2: some really nasty things I found out she'd been saying
Speaker 2: about me. I've been trying to get pregnant for about
Speaker 2: a year and a half. Now I'm having blood tests
Speaker 2: and I'm trying to work out why my partner and
Speaker 2: I can't seem to feel pregnant. Over the weekend, I
Speaker 2: saw some mutual friends posts that this girl I used
Speaker 2: to be friends with was pregnant. They were at what
Speaker 2: looked like an early baby shower for her. I am
Speaker 2: fucking livid, to the point where I understand it's possibly irrational,
Speaker 2: but I can't help the way I feel. It is
Speaker 2: the only thing that I have been able to think about.
Speaker 2: I am so angry that this person who was horrible
Speaker 2: to me, seems to be able to have the one
Speaker 2: thing I want most in the world. Do you have
Speaker 2: any advice on how to get over this jealousy? I
Speaker 2: am a mess and I don't feel like I can
Speaker 2: say this to any of my friends because I understand
Speaker 2: how horrible it is that I am reacting this way.
Speaker 2: It really sucks. It really sucks. Are you being irrational? Yes?
Speaker 2: Are you being irrational? No? I think there's aspects for both.
Speaker 2: I understand it's not only irrational is the right word.
Speaker 2: The only reason I don't know if irrational is the
Speaker 2: right word is because I think when women are overly
Speaker 2: sensitive or have strong emotions, we often say irrational, but
Speaker 2: you'd never say that about a man who was upset
Speaker 2: about something.
Speaker 1: Nah, I know what you mean. This is irrational. I
Speaker 1: think you're more mad because.
Speaker 2: You hate her.
Speaker 1: It's not just because one of your friends is pregnant,
Speaker 1: but it's because you have this hatred of her and
Speaker 1: this dislike and it sucks to even see when you're
Speaker 1: in that position. It sucks to even see your friends
Speaker 1: falling pregnant and you're happy for them. You're so happy
Speaker 1: for them, and you are allowed to feel sad at
Speaker 1: the same time. But this is hurting you way more
Speaker 1: because you hate her. But that's not fair on you.
Speaker 1: So you need to try and find a middle ground
Speaker 1: where you don't have to be happy for her, but
Speaker 1: you've got to try not to let it affect you
Speaker 1: so much. You're trying to focus on you right now
Speaker 1: and your fertility and falling pregnant. And from what I
Speaker 1: have been told from when we've spoken to fertility specialists,
Speaker 1: stress can have the craziest effects on your body in
Speaker 1: all sorts of mediums, in illnesses, in fatigue, and sleeping,
Speaker 1: in fertility. So I don't know how you can get
Speaker 1: around this, but I think you really need to block
Speaker 1: that out and put your blinders on and just focus
Speaker 1: on yourself for the moment. Again, you don't need to
Speaker 1: be happy. You can be sad because it fucking sucks,
Speaker 1: like you want something so bad and when you feel
Speaker 1: like you're doing everything right and it's not falling into
Speaker 1: your lap and everyone else is getting what they want.
Speaker 1: You know, with what you think and about trying, it's
Speaker 1: not fair, like life is not.
Speaker 2: It's not fair. It doesn't follow a linear logical path.
Speaker 2: But I mean, I just want to go back to
Speaker 2: this thought on irrational because I actually hate the word
Speaker 2: in this context. So irrational not logical or reasonable, that's
Speaker 2: the definition of it. The feelings that you have are logical,
Speaker 2: I think, and are reasonable, and I think you can
Speaker 2: give yourself grace to feel the way that you feel,
Speaker 2: because you know it's hard enough, like you said, Britt,
Speaker 2: to be happy for someone who you love, even though
Speaker 2: you know you're gonna love their baby, even though you're
Speaker 2: happy for their happiness, you're happy for their fertility when
Speaker 2: you're someone who struggle with infertility. It's already hard enough
Speaker 2: to be happy for other people alongside your own sadness,
Speaker 2: But being happy for somebody who you hate, who has
Speaker 2: caused you pain. I think that that is why you
Speaker 2: know when you say irrational, that is why you feel
Speaker 2: this level of like this is so fucking unfair, And
Speaker 2: I think it's okay to feel that way. And yeah,
Speaker 2: maybe your friends won't understand it and you don't need
Speaker 2: to talk them through it, but it doesn't make you
Speaker 2: a bad person because you have those feelings. The only
Speaker 2: thing that is the really horrible part of this is
Speaker 2: that the way that you feel doesn't affect anybody else.
Speaker 2: But you exactly, you are hurting yourself by feeling so hateful,
Speaker 2: by feeling so envious, And jealousy is such a shit
Speaker 2: emotion because it fires you so much inside, it takes over,
Speaker 2: it takes over your mental space or your energy, and
Speaker 2: yet everybody else around you is unaffected by it, and
Speaker 2: you're living within this fury and you have to live
Speaker 2: like that. The person that you're jealous of doesn't and
Speaker 2: they don't receive any of that, they don't understand it,
Speaker 2: and then it's like the toxicity lives within you only
Speaker 2: I think in this instance, I mean, it's so amazing
Speaker 2: that you're going you're doing all the fertility treatment stuff,
Speaker 2: but I think it's also really really important to go
Speaker 2: and do all the mental health stuff that sits alongside it.
Speaker 2: Go and speak to a therapist, go and speak to
Speaker 2: a counselor speak to your family and friends about how
Speaker 2: fertility is affecting you, because I think that once people
Speaker 2: around you are very aware of it, they're also more
Speaker 2: sensitive and how they have conversations with you about it.
Speaker 2: But I mean, I've had two miscarriages, but I've not
Speaker 2: struggled with infertility. But I can only imagine how that
Speaker 2: affects everything. When the one thing that you want and
Speaker 2: you see other people having it, I can only imagine
Speaker 2: how that affects your day to day thinking.
Speaker 1: I mean, one of my best friends had what they
Speaker 1: call unknown infertility. So they did all the tests and
Speaker 1: there was literally the doctors were like, we don't get it,
Speaker 1: Like everything's great, levels of great, blood's a great sperms,
Speaker 1: great counts, great, you just have something that's called we
Speaker 1: can't finger on it. And it was all she wanted.
Speaker 1: Like I cannot stress that enough. As long as I
Speaker 1: have known her, she was born to be a mum.
Speaker 1: And it took them a couple of years of you know,
Speaker 1: fertility treatments, and they finally felt pregnant.
Speaker 2: And I was witnessing that.
Speaker 1: I was very close to her, and all of our
Speaker 1: other friends were falling pregnant, and so I know firsthand
Speaker 1: what it felt like from her because I was with
Speaker 1: her every day with the tears, with the you know,
Speaker 1: she came to my fertility appointment as well, and there's
Speaker 1: nothing else to say. Then it fucking sucks. But all
Speaker 1: you can do is focus on you. And I think
Speaker 1: something that might help is you actually don't know if
Speaker 1: this other girl has also been struggling, Like, you don't
Speaker 1: know what her journey was. You don't know if it
Speaker 1: was an IBF baby. You don't know if she was
Speaker 1: trying for years, or if she's miscarried in the past,
Speaker 1: or you really don't know other people's stories.
Speaker 2: And one thing we do know are.
Speaker 1: The statistics that infertility or fertility problems are far higher
Speaker 1: totally than everybody thinks.
Speaker 2: I'm so happy you said that, Britt, because I think
Speaker 2: you see a pregnancy announcement and you don't think about
Speaker 2: what went into having that happy baby. And often people
Speaker 2: don't feel comfortable sharing their fertility stories because it is
Speaker 2: so personal and it's so painful for so many people,
Speaker 2: and we can think everybody else has it so much easier.
Speaker 2: You're like, why was it so easy for them? You don't,
Speaker 2: You don't know, You really don't. And I think the
Speaker 2: best thing to do in your situation now is to
Speaker 2: avoid triggers. Avoid things like social media triggers. Block people
Speaker 2: who and I'm not saying block anyone who's having a baby,
Speaker 2: but in this instance of this girl, like you can
Speaker 2: mute the things that might come into your feed and
Speaker 2: ruin your day. Do you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 2: don't go looking for things that you know are going
Speaker 2: to make you sad and block or mute things that
Speaker 2: you know. If you're having a great day and then
Speaker 2: all of a sudden you see that pop up on
Speaker 2: your Instagram, it's going to affect you. We really have
Speaker 2: to take responsibility for the stuff that we consume that
Speaker 2: hurts us. I mean, yes, and of course there's limits
Speaker 2: to that.
Speaker 1: Like you scrolling social media, you don't know that the
Speaker 1: next picture is not going to be a pregnant person.
Speaker 2: Totally.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, there are things you can put in place, But
Speaker 1: I mean to sum it up, you're absolutely entitled to
Speaker 1: be upset because it's a really upsetting thing and it's
Speaker 1: a very stressful thing.
Speaker 2: But I also think, like you know, I know, we've
Speaker 2: said it, this whole idea of giving yourself grace, allowing
Speaker 2: yourself to feel the feelings. But know that fucking corny
Speaker 2: and cliche, But in a year's time, you're not going
Speaker 2: to feel the same level of rage towards this person,
Speaker 2: or jealousy towards this person. Jealousy, just like every other emotion,
Speaker 2: fluctuates the way that you feel right now, is not
Speaker 2: going to be a constant, and I think that it's
Speaker 2: okay to ride this wave and know that in a
Speaker 2: month or two months, or what however long it takes you,
Speaker 2: you're going to start to feel better about this situation.
Speaker 1: It's so important for you to do what you can
Speaker 1: to focus on you and not worry about someone else's journey.
Speaker 2: Easier said than done.
Speaker 1: But however, you want to do that, whether it's talking
Speaker 1: to your friends more so that they understand more, so
Speaker 1: maybe they don't drop these things, they don't ask these questions.
Speaker 2: I don't know if your friends are across.
Speaker 1: Your fertility journey, but if they're not, it might help
Speaker 1: you to talk about it, and it might help them
Speaker 1: to be more hyper aware. Because nobody ever means to
Speaker 1: offend you ever, but if they don't know, they very
Speaker 1: well could say something that will trig.
Speaker 2: You totally totally. And also, like you can people can
Speaker 2: put up stories and exclude people from seeing stuff. Your friends,
Speaker 2: if they go on to baby showers and whatnot, and
Speaker 2: they know that it's a trigger for you because you've
Speaker 2: told them, they can put up stories and they can
Speaker 2: exclude you from seeing it, and like that would be
Speaker 2: better for your mental health.
Speaker 1: Idea anyway, guys, good luck anyway.
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