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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, our school is like, what, eighteen minutes from home,

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Speaker 2: But we also have a child who has an activity

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Speaker 2: every single morning before school that is so early that

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Speaker 2: we have to do two trips to school in the morning.

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Speaker 2: That's eighteen minutes just in the morning driving to and

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Speaker 2: from our house in school.

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Speaker 3: Holy cow, so much driving.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Family's podcast.

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Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy

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Speaker 2: Families dot com dot au and dad to six kids.

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Speaker 3: Ask me how I'm doing?

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Speaker 4: How are you doing?

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Speaker 2: I'll tell you about that shortly. But it's been a

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Speaker 2: big week without you. Always so glad to have your back.

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Speaker 2: I'll tell you why soon. You've been away for most

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Speaker 2: of this week on a health retreat. You've been having

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Speaker 2: a meals cooked for you. You've been staying in a

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Speaker 2: place where mobile phones don't work, soaking up the greenery,

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Speaker 2: the nature, all that sort of stuff. Look at you,

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Speaker 2: you're grinning, you're beaming like ah, and it's been so good.

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Speaker 4: It really has.

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Speaker 5: And I recognize I do recognize what a privilege it

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Speaker 5: is to get away, especially at that level and have

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Speaker 5: that level of care. One of the things I love

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Speaker 5: about the health retreats is just access to therapies that

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Speaker 5: are not readily available.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's hard.

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Speaker 2: It's really hard to find great therapists who are intuitive

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Speaker 2: and do the stuff that you need.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, and so I was able to tap into some

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Speaker 5: it's called abdominal healing.

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Speaker 2: I feel like I could do with some abdominal healing,

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Speaker 2: maybe more than just me, maybe maybe several of us could,

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Speaker 2: I think so. So what's abdominal healing.

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Speaker 5: It follows Chinese medicine and the acknowledgment that our body

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Speaker 5: is a massive storage container for all of the emotions yep,

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Speaker 5: that we've experienced through different experiences in our lives, and

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Speaker 5: so abdominal healing is all about, kind of I guess,

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Speaker 5: unblocking a lot of those emotions and letting them go.

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Speaker 5: So I've never experienced it before, But the thing that

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Speaker 5: stood out to her the most from everything else that

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Speaker 5: I was experiencing was just how my body was in

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Speaker 5: complete exhaustion mode. I was just so depleted and I

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Speaker 5: feel it. But there's nothing better than having somebody in

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Speaker 5: their professional space, validating what my body is feeling, and

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Speaker 5: so that was really powerful for me. But one of

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Speaker 5: the experiences that I had there was just so profound.

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Speaker 5: We were doing a meditation one night and the facilitator

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Speaker 5: asked us to pair up with somebody that we hadn't

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Speaker 5: met yet during our stay, and she ignoredledged that while

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Speaker 5: we would think that it was just a coincidence, that

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Speaker 5: through the week we would actually become clear as to

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Speaker 5: why we were drawn to this person. And when we

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Speaker 5: were joined together, her instructions were that we had to

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Speaker 5: have a conversation and she posed three specific questions that

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Speaker 5: we needed to answer, and the only rule was that

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Speaker 5: we couldn't lose eye contact, right.

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Speaker 4: Do you know how hard it.

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Speaker 5: Is, especially to a stranger. Totally, but it was so

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Speaker 5: important to the outcome. And so the first question was

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Speaker 5: what brought us to the health retreat in the first place.

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Speaker 5: And the person that I paired up with, she seemed

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Speaker 5: really really shy, a little bit unsure, and I just said,

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Speaker 5: I'll go.

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Speaker 4: It's easy.

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Speaker 5: So I acknowledged to her that I was a mother

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Speaker 5: of six and that while I love being a mum,

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Speaker 5: that I just felt like I had kind of got

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Speaker 5: lost in all of it and was in a place

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Speaker 5: where I needed some direction as to who I wanted

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Speaker 5: to be me standalone. And you know, she looked at

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Speaker 5: me and then she shared and acknowledged that for her,

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Speaker 5: she's had nine miscarriages and actually gone through seven rounds

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Speaker 5: of IVM.

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Speaker 3: My goodness, Oh wow.

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Speaker 5: The old me would have sat there and just felt.

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Speaker 3: So guilty, especially after what you've just said.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, because of what I was saying.

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Speaker 2: Here I am complaining about my six kids and how

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Speaker 2: over them I am, and here's this person.

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Speaker 5: So her biggest, the biggest weight that she was carrying

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Speaker 5: was whether or not she would actually ever be able

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Speaker 5: to be a mother. And it was so just was

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Speaker 5: just juxtaposed here like so different, and yet instead of

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Speaker 5: feeling guilty, there was just this beautiful acknowledgment that we

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Speaker 5: could have two totally opposite feelings and emotions and that

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Speaker 5: both are right in their own rights and both can

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Speaker 5: f the other person's pain.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, empathy, yeah, passion.

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Speaker 5: It was just it was such a beautiful experience to

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Speaker 5: just go your pains. It's it's there's no comparisons, there's

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Speaker 5: no sense of you know, one's carrying a bigger burden

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Speaker 5: than the other, because for you, that burden.

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Speaker 4: Is weighty regardless of what it is.

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Speaker 6: Yea.

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Speaker 5: What it actually allowed me to do, though, which was

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Speaker 5: so powerful, was recognize and feel her pain and then

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Speaker 5: provide me with greater perspective and give thanks for the

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Speaker 5: burden that I carry because I wouldn't change it for anything.

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Speaker 4: And it was just it was. It was beautiful. It

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Speaker 4: was really beautiful.

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Speaker 5: And what I love about that is that I'm placed

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Speaker 5: in this position where a whole bunch of strangers from

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Speaker 5: all different walks of life have come together for a

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Speaker 5: few days to find answers to a myriad of concerns

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Speaker 5: and challenges that they're experiencing, and we find the answers

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Speaker 5: and some of the most unexpected places.

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Speaker 2: Well, the opportunity for you to go away is challenging.

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Speaker 2: It's really challenging for the family, and.

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Speaker 3: It comes at a considerable cost as well.

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Speaker 2: But you have those sorts of experiences and they kind

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Speaker 2: of they help you to reset, don't they They really?

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Speaker 2: And I think that's why you've come back beaming.

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Speaker 5: I'm ready. Well, you promised me that you've learned some

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Speaker 5: things while I've been gone, so I'm interested I've learned.

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Speaker 3: I've learned a lot of things. I've made a list.

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Speaker 4: You learned how to use a dishwasher.

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Speaker 2: The dishwasher is broken, and I'm so unhappy about it

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Speaker 2: because it's a new dishwasher and it's one of the

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Speaker 2: best brands that are out there.

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Speaker 3: And washing machine?

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Speaker 4: Could you learn how to use that?

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Speaker 2: The children have been looking after the washing machine only

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Speaker 2: a couple of times, but the washing machine has gone.

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Speaker 2: I'm do you know what? I cleaned up dog vomit.

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Speaker 2: I'm so sorry for everyone who's listened to the podcast

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Speaker 2: who just had to deal with that. I cleaned up

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Speaker 2: dog vomit off the carpet and off the tires, like

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Speaker 2: I did it all I've been I've been hard at it.

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Speaker 2: Here are my five lessons that I've learned. And then

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Speaker 2: I want to share a quick story with you about

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Speaker 2: what's happened while you've been gone. So number one, on

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Speaker 2: one of the mornings that you were gone, I can't

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Speaker 2: remember which morning I was.

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Speaker 3: Now you're gone for like three or four mornings.

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Speaker 2: Our eight year old, the one who can be super challenging,

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Speaker 2: the one who has some additional needs. She just told

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Speaker 2: me one morning that she wasn't going to go to school,

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Speaker 2: and I could see myself getting into this power struggle

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Speaker 2: with her, and I remembered force creat's resistance and high emotions,

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Speaker 2: low intelligence and get curious not furious, and all the

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Speaker 2: stuff that I teach everybody all the time. And I

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Speaker 2: tried it and nothing worked. So I looked at her

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Speaker 2: and I said, I love you, Emily. I'm going to

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Speaker 2: go and mother lawn. Like this is seven am, because

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Speaker 2: you're allowed to turn on the law more at seven

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Speaker 2: oh ones, Like I'm going to go and mother lawn.

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Speaker 2: And by the time I finished mowing the lawn, I'd

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Speaker 2: love for you to be ready for school. And then

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Speaker 2: I just walked away, and I thought, how in the

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Speaker 2: world is an eight year old going to make this happen.

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Speaker 2: I went outside, I mowed the lawn. I gave her

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Speaker 2: a whole lot of space. I trusted, crossed my fingers,

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Speaker 2: made sure that the TV remote was well hidden so

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Speaker 2: she couldn't just plump down in front of the TV.

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Speaker 3: And about five.

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Speaker 2: Minutes before I finished mowing the lawn, I saw her,

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Speaker 2: out of the corner of my eye, walk out to

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Speaker 2: the driveway and climb into the car with her school

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Speaker 2: uniform on, her school bag on her shoulder, her school

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Speaker 2: shoes and socks on her hair, all done, she'd eaten breakfast,

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Speaker 2: she had done the lot, her and her Did.

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Speaker 4: She have her violin?

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Speaker 2: It was not violin day, so we were she forgot

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Speaker 2: her violin on violin day. Thank you for asking that

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Speaker 2: less than number one give the kids space, like we're

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Speaker 2: so intent on crowding them and telling me what to

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Speaker 2: do in demanding that they do it right now. Once

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Speaker 2: she'd calmed down, she just went and did it because

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Speaker 2: she knew it had to be done and she knew

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Speaker 2: that I expected it. So for me that was massive

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Speaker 2: because I do push a little bit too hard.

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Speaker 3: I know that I do it. I teach people not

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Speaker 3: to do it, and I teach it because I need

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Speaker 3: to learn it. And it was such a great thing.

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Speaker 2: Second lesson, kids are capable from a young young age.

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Speaker 2: So once you left, I sat down with the kids

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Speaker 2: and I said, all right, who's got Sunday night dinner?

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Speaker 2: And one of the kids said, I'll do it. I said, great,

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Speaker 2: what's in the fridge? She went and had a look,

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Speaker 2: and she said, I'm going to cook chicken BROCOLI perfect,

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Speaker 2: who's got Monday night dinner. One of the other kids said,

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Speaker 2: I'll do it. I said, what would you like to cook?

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Speaker 2: She said, I'd like to do mince tortilla wrap things

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Speaker 2: I like to do, raps.

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Speaker 3: I said, fantastic.

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Speaker 2: Who's got Tuesday night or whatever? I can't remember the

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Speaker 2: nights were, but someone cooked, right too. We someone cooked.

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Speaker 2: We ate so well and the kids.

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Speaker 5: So you were taking care of instead of taking.

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Speaker 3: Care I had to look after a meal myself as well.

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Speaker 3: I got in there and did it. But again the youngest,

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Speaker 3: she wanted to be part of the team.

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Speaker 2: She got in there and wanted to do the like

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Speaker 2: she's actually saying, I'd like to do the dishes tonight.

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Speaker 2: I never help, but I think because mum's away, I'd

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Speaker 2: like to do the dishes.

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Speaker 3: I'd like to make a contribution.

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Speaker 2: So my take home message from this week with you

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Speaker 2: being away is the kids are so capable. Kids are

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Speaker 2: so capable cooking, dinner, cleaning and so on. Number three,

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Speaker 2: don't do too much so our afternoons I basically emptied

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Speaker 2: them out. I said to the kids, no priorities, no

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Speaker 2: running around. We've only got to do this stuff that

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Speaker 2: absolutely must be done, like the extra curriculars that we've

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Speaker 2: paid for. Other than that, we're going to spend time

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Speaker 2: at home. We're going to read books, we're going to

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Speaker 2: kick a ball in the backyard, throw some hoops, ride

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Speaker 2: the skateboards, the roller skates, whatever, bikes, and we're going

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Speaker 2: to just really lay off. And it was incredible how

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Speaker 2: good it felt to take the pressure off. We do

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Speaker 2: so much, and I loved it. So then my top three.

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Speaker 2: I've got two to go.

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Speaker 5: I think I've been asking you to slow down for

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Speaker 5: about twenty three.

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Speaker 3: Years, twenty five. Every twenty five we didn't have children,

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Speaker 3: you were still asking me to slow down.

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Speaker 2: Remember when we first got married and I get you,

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Speaker 2: dragged you down to the beach at five o'clock in

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Speaker 2: the morning to do hangs. For those of you who

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Speaker 2: don't know, harhongs are just.

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Speaker 3: Okay.

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Speaker 2: Number four I said there were five lessons. Number four

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Speaker 2: three words. So much driving, My goodness, welcome, so much driving.

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Speaker 3: It is insane. How much time?

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Speaker 4: How much did you get done while I was gone?

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Speaker 3: Oh, it's ridiculous.

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Speaker 2: How hard it is to get stuff done because there

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Speaker 2: is so much driving with kids that have got to

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Speaker 2: be at this thing or that thing, and so our

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Speaker 2: school our kids' school, because there were some catchment issues

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Speaker 2: when we moved here and we didn't have a permanent address,

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Speaker 2: and so the local high school wouldn't take us, so

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Speaker 2: we had to put the kids in a school that

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Speaker 2: costs more money, which is another story for another day.

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Speaker 3: Our school is like what.

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Speaker 2: Eighteen minutes from home. But we also have a childho

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Speaker 2: has an activity every single morning before school that is

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Speaker 2: so early that we have to do two trips to

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Speaker 2: school in the morning. That's twenty and twenty and twenty

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Speaker 2: and twenty. That's eighteen minutes just in the morning driving

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Speaker 2: to and from our house.

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Speaker 3: In school, it's off the charts.

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Speaker 2: And then in the afternoon, got to go and pick

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Speaker 2: them up, and then I've got to drive them to

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Speaker 2: this place or that place.

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Speaker 3: They've got their activities, Holy cow.

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Speaker 4: Do you remember those?

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Speaker 5: So much driving is to ask me what I'd gotten

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Speaker 5: up to all days?

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Speaker 3: So much driving. I cannot believe how we've got it.

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Speaker 2: We've got to get the kids on buses. We've got

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Speaker 2: to come up on a solution for this. It is insane.

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Speaker 4: What's learning Number five?

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Speaker 3: Honey number five.

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Speaker 2: We miss you so much. We just miss you so much.

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Speaker 2: We can live without you, But it's just our world

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Speaker 2: is smaller when you're not with us. We cannot function

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Speaker 2: nearly as well without you. And I'm not talking about

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Speaker 2: getting the driving done, or the cooking done, or the

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Speaker 2: cleaning done and all the wonderful, incredible contributions you make

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Speaker 2: to the home. Those are important, but it's the love

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Speaker 2: that we feel in our home because you're there.

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Speaker 3: We have missed you so much.

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Speaker 4: Well, I'm really excited to be home.

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Speaker 3: I got to tell you a story.

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Speaker 2: Oh As we were driving home from school just yesterday

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Speaker 2: or the day before, with you being gone pretty much

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Speaker 2: for the whole time, I was talking to our eight

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Speaker 2: year old Emily, and I said, how do you reckon

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Speaker 2: this week's gone without marm And she said, I'm sum

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Speaker 2: so much. And I said it's been really hard, isn't it.

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Speaker 2: And I said, how do you reckon we've gone? And

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Speaker 2: she said this to me, She said, Dad, I wanted

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Speaker 2: to be a little rascal this week. Last time Mum

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Speaker 2: went away, she remembered eighteen months ago. She said, last

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Speaker 2: time Mum went away, we fought lots. I was a

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Speaker 2: real rascal because when Mummy goes away, I feel bad.

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Speaker 2: And I wanted you to feel bad like I felt.

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Speaker 3: How hard is that?

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Speaker 2: And so when I hear that, So there's this psychological

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Speaker 2: theory it's been around for a very long time that

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Speaker 2: kids will sometimes act in a way that is so

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Speaker 2: troublesome and so challenging to us. So that not because

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Speaker 2: they want to terrorize. It's not because they want to

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Speaker 2: ruin our lives, but because they want us to feel

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Speaker 2: what they feel and they don't know how to communicate it,

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Speaker 2: and so they act in a way.

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Speaker 4: They want us to understand how they're feeling.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and when we respond with anger and frustration, all

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Speaker 2: we do is rupture the relationship and make them feel

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Speaker 2: worse about themselves and they're already feeling awful. And when

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Speaker 2: she said that that when mum, way, I feel bad

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Speaker 2: and sometimes I just want you to feel bad like

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Speaker 2: I do, so you know what it feels like.

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Speaker 3: And I thought, wow, you know this this.

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Speaker 2: Approach to parenting that we have, sometimes it feels like

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Speaker 2: it's not working at all, and then you have a

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Speaker 2: moment like that, and.

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Speaker 3: It's a really powerful way to raise kids. And I'm

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Speaker 3: so grateful.

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Speaker 2: It's been horrible having you gone, but I'm so grateful

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Speaker 2: that you've had the opportunity to go, and that we've

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Speaker 2: all had the learning and the direction I guess that

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Speaker 2: we've experienced as a result of your taking.

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Speaker 3: Some time off.

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Speaker 4: Well, I'm hoping it won't be eighteen months before I

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Speaker 4: get to do it again.

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Speaker 3: But I don't know how to reach pond to that one.

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Speaker 3: Don't go, don't go.

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Speaker 4: But I'm really really excited to.

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Speaker 5: Just get back into life with a bit more energy

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Speaker 5: and a bit more motivation and see where it takes us.

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Speaker 2: We really hope that this podcast has given you some

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Speaker 2: ideas about how lucky you might be, what opportunities you've

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Speaker 2: got to get away, get some focus and vision and

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Speaker 2: tap into what matters most. Thank you so much for listening.

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Speaker 2: We hope that it hasn't been a little bit too indulgent.

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Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

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Speaker 2: Bridge Media.

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Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.

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Speaker 2: And for more information about making your family happier, check

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Speaker 2: out our upcoming resilience summit, Raising Resilient Kids.

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Speaker 3: It's the summit.

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Speaker 2: You can find all about it at our Facebook page,

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Speaker 2: Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families or at Happy Families Dot

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Speaker 2: com delay.

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Speaker 6: You, you can blame its wrong, and I just dare

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Speaker 6: leave it.

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Speaker 5: Lous you