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Speaker 1: Welcome back to another edgion of this A couple of

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Speaker 1: dad's beating them off with a stick?

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Speaker 2: Am I right?

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Speaker 3: Well, a beating what off with a stick?

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Speaker 4: Well? Humans, because we're dil so beating them up with

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Speaker 4: a stick Anyway. The podcast, I'm a massive overthinker. I

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Speaker 4: get a bit embarrassed about the thoughts that I have

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Speaker 4: about my impending baby and my impending parenthood, so embarrassed

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Speaker 4: that I don't bring them up with anyone because I

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Speaker 4: think they'll tease me or they'll laugh at me. So

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Speaker 4: we create this safe space for me to bring up

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Speaker 4: those silly things and we just work through them together.

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Speaker 2: Big boy.

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Speaker 4: And also, there's an alarm that goes off at thirty minutes,

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Speaker 4: so listen out for that.

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Speaker 2: How are you?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay.

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Speaker 5: I had a bit of a I had Max one

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Speaker 5: on one for at least nine hours last night.

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Speaker 2: And you want to do you mike stuff first and

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Speaker 2: then answer yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's waking up. Yeah she's yeah, she's

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Speaker 3: probably waking up every hour at the moment.

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Speaker 4: So nice. She's at least she's consistent. You know, all

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Speaker 4: you ask for is consistency. I imagine as a parent

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Speaker 4: on a sporting field.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think you can expect it as a parent.

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Speaker 4: Like for me, and I'm just saying this without looking

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Speaker 4: after a child, But for me, i'd be happy.

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Speaker 2: With on the hour.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, i'd be frustrated with like, oh that was five minutes.

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Speaker 4: Oh that was forty five minutes.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know that consistent?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's pro I way to look at it.

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Speaker 4: Well, you're retired, man, I'm going to stop making jokes

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Speaker 4: about that area.

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Speaker 2: Anyway. I will specify or stipulate.

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Speaker 4: I love the words stipulate that you're not an expert here,

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Speaker 4: but I come to you because you know you've got

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Speaker 4: You've got a few months on me.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, so tonight, this is the thought I've had recently.

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Speaker 2: And I know it's silly, but humor me.

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Speaker 4: So I've started appreciating that I'm obviously going to have

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Speaker 4: one on one time with my baby.

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Speaker 2: That's something that's going to happen.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeahs guaranteed.

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Speaker 2: As you had for nine hours last night. Yeah, one

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Speaker 2: on one time.

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Speaker 4: Now, I'm more talking about when the baby is cognisant,

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Speaker 4: or when I say, like awake, awakes a better word

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Speaker 4: to use. Wait, what do you mean, I mean like

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Speaker 4: when I'm going for a walk in the morning with

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Speaker 4: the baby and I'm one on one with the.

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Speaker 5: Baby when they're awake, But we don't mean awake in

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Speaker 5: terms of like enlightened.

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Speaker 4: Well, this, this is You've hit on exactly what I

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Speaker 4: want to talk about. When you said cognisant, yes, I

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Speaker 4: want to I want to be not talking about like

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Speaker 4: awake from asleep You're talking about like we're you're not

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Speaker 4: talking about enlightened.

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Speaker 3: What are you talking about?

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Speaker 2: I'm talking about when they're awake? So my question is.

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Speaker 3: What have you brought into enlightened?

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Speaker 5: Then when I said sorry, when I said enlightened, Well,

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Speaker 5: I'll get.

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Speaker 2: To it in two seconds.

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Speaker 4: So when I'm with them one on one, I'm staying

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Speaker 4: to overthink, like how much are they taking in what

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Speaker 4: I'm doing? So, for example, I started thinking, is it

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Speaker 4: rude of me to take a phone call when I'm

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Speaker 4: having one on one time with my baby? Is it

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Speaker 4: rude of me listening to a podcast when I'm one

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Speaker 4: of See now you say that with certainty.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I do.

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Speaker 2: How can I How can I possibly know what they are?

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Speaker 3: They'll let you know.

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Speaker 2: No, I haven't finished by question. What they're taking in.

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Speaker 2: Oh you know, like like that for me, if I

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Speaker 2: was walking.

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Speaker 5: With you, just have to accept they take everything in, Okay,

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Speaker 5: So we're just just on constant egue shells.

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Speaker 4: So with that, if I was walking with you to

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Speaker 4: the to the to a cafe, the last thing I

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Speaker 4: would do is take a phone call or listen to

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Speaker 4: a podcast.

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Speaker 2: That would be height of rudeness, joking.

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Speaker 3: You gotta have a life. What you've got to have

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Speaker 3: a life? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't be

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Speaker 3: like thinking about what your babies.

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Speaker 5: But if I'm having one on one time with the

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Speaker 5: child with the baby, then there's a difference. Like well again,

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Speaker 5: as you say, like I can only go on what's

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Speaker 5: been going on for the last three months, but like

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Speaker 5: Max can't doesn't want to keep my attention the whole time,

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Speaker 5: just got other things to check out, do you know

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Speaker 5: what I mean? Like if I'm if you're one on one,

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Speaker 5: it's awesome when they're looking at you and you're like,

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Speaker 5: you know, engaging and you're swapping facial expressions and stuff.

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Speaker 5: But I think that beyond that, there's a lot of

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Speaker 5: times when you kind of need to give each other

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Speaker 5: a break. Well with like a lot of the time

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Speaker 5: you put the child.

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Speaker 3: Down and she's just staring at the roof, like laughing

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Speaker 3: her head off.

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Speaker 2: Yeah that's different.

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Speaker 5: She's like lah la la, because there's so much that's like,

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Speaker 5: I don't know. Something I was thinking about the other

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Speaker 5: day is how much is new to her? You're not

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Speaker 5: new to her after a while. There are other things

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Speaker 5: that are attention grabbing though, sure, so I don't think

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Speaker 5: like when when you're one on one. Don't get me wrong,

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Speaker 5: there's lots of times where there's good interactions and stuff,

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Speaker 5: but there are also other things.

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Speaker 3: That she wants to look at.

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Speaker 5: So I wouldn't worry about the fact that you're ignored.

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Speaker 5: Is that what you're worried about, that you're ignoring her?

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Speaker 4: I'm concerned about my actions around my baby, which doesn't

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Speaker 4: appear to know what's going on, but memories of either

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Speaker 4: dad's rude or dad's teaching me bad habits like what

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Speaker 4: so Like if I'm one on one with the baby

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Speaker 4: and I drop a bit of rubbish, Now I know

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Speaker 4: this sense child baby, there been a less than three months.

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Speaker 2: They're in a pram. I drop a bit of rubbish?

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Speaker 2: Should I be going? I better pick up that piece

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Speaker 2: of rubbish because I.

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Speaker 4: Don't know what I don't know what you're taking in.

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Speaker 4: I have no idea you're not taking that in.

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Speaker 2: Okay, but maybe I think that's a good.

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Speaker 4: Habit to start building, being accountable for your actions around

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Speaker 4: your baby.

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Speaker 3: Well, no, just just picking up Oh.

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Speaker 2: He's an example. That's a silly example, because everyone should

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Speaker 2: pick up rabbits. We have the environment, we love that perfect?

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Speaker 2: Yeah you are you? Are you bombing?

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Speaker 5: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Around?

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Speaker 2: Say how do you feel about that?

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Speaker 3: Fine that they know?

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Speaker 2: Okay, so we're bombing?

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Speaker 4: What about what about things that like level like what

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Speaker 4: if like having a fight with someone?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 5: No, that I'm careful of, right, Okay, I'm very careful

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Speaker 5: of I'm very careful around my emotions around Max.

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Speaker 2: Okay, can we can we step into that a little bit?

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Speaker 2: So how do you how do you control that?

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Speaker 4: Or do you step out of a room to have

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Speaker 4: a robust conversation with your partner and leave the baby?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: We try not to? Yeah?

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Speaker 5: Because yeah, why From what I've read and what I understand,

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Speaker 5: the research says that the child picks up immediately on

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Speaker 5: bad energy or like let's call it bad energy for

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Speaker 5: one of a better word in the room. And that's

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Speaker 5: why a lot of the time you get it's it's

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Speaker 5: beautiful and tragic, But a lot of the time you

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Speaker 5: get very happy kids who have parents who don't have

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Speaker 5: a good relationship with each other because the child's the

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Speaker 5: child tries to make them laugh or draw attention away

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Speaker 5: from their argument.

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Speaker 2: So I should be trying to fight with men to.

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Speaker 3: Get a happy baby. We have a baby, Well, I think.

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Speaker 2: That's east stage some fights.

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Speaker 3: Even though that's I mean, it's a script men, even that's.

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Speaker 5: The even though that's probably where it'll end up. It's

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Speaker 5: not a nice thing that the baby feels like it

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Speaker 5: has to do that. They're incredible. I think tonally, tone

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Speaker 5: is everything. I'm actually trying with kids because they're not

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Speaker 5: hearing the words you're saying, hence the bombing.

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Speaker 2: I don't care so swearing, because if you go fuck,

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Speaker 2: they're like.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, if you're like, I love you, you little fucker,

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Speaker 5: like that hilarious?

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Speaker 2: Do that a bit?

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Speaker 3: No, I don't, and I wouldn't.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I wouldn't do that either.

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Speaker 3: But they would never know. Yeah, they would never know,

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Speaker 3: but but they But what they can pick up on

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Speaker 3: immediately is your tone.

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Speaker 5: So like I will Sometimes I try and do as

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Speaker 5: many like voices and tones with Max as possible, so

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Speaker 5: it's not to like because the other thing is I

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Speaker 5: try not to be like all sing song la la

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Speaker 5: la around her all the.

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Speaker 3: Time because it's tiring. Well yeah, for her as well.

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Speaker 5: I started realizing that recently, when like I interact with her,

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Speaker 5: every time she's like, better fucking smile again. I'm always

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Speaker 5: like hello, you know, and I like wait for the smile,

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Speaker 5: and then the smile is like this, great, got a smile,

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Speaker 5: move on. And don't get me wrong, it's nice. Yeah,

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Speaker 5: but I'm trying to be a little bit more.

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Speaker 2: Like sometimes you come home and.

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Speaker 5: No, well, I wouldn't do it with like that's it,

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Speaker 5: that's that's down temper. I'd be like, you know, just

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Speaker 5: you know, what's up dog?

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Speaker 4: You walk into your house and say what's up dog

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Speaker 4: to your beautiful girl.

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Speaker 3: No, I'm trying to be more of a chill It's like, hey, mat,

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Speaker 3: how how are you? How are you?

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Speaker 2: What's kicking? Yeah, that's it. That's really interesting because that's negative.

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Speaker 3: I love the sing song, you know, I love the

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Speaker 3: sing song.

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Speaker 4: Any you've got that, you've got that up your sleep,

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Speaker 4: you've got sing song.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, with interaction with your child.

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Speaker 4: So you're trying to introduce now, hey, life is an

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Speaker 4: all sing song or you don't have to elevate yourself

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Speaker 4: all the time.

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Speaker 2: You can just be like, hey, you can just chill.

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Speaker 5: We can just chill around each other. I don't need

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Speaker 5: to be as I was trying to get two at

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Speaker 5: the start. When you were saying, when you're one on one,

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Speaker 5: like in the past, I'd be like, you know, you know,

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Speaker 5: because the best feeling in the world is like eye

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Speaker 5: contact engaging with them. They're smiling, you're smiling. It's a

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Speaker 5: really nice It's it's so nic it's almost addictive.

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Speaker 4: The cats sometimes have I told you that I've got

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Speaker 4: a new fan, and like, yeah, yeah, I watched a

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Speaker 4: documentary called Inside the Minds of Cats, and we know

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Speaker 4: how to smile at each other.

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Speaker 3: Now, great, this is about babies or cats? Jeez. Yeah.

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Speaker 5: So anyway, so one on one, that's a really nice moment.

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Speaker 5: But I realized that that must be exhausting for her

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Speaker 5: and we're talking about them, you're.

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Speaker 3: Talking about the cat or the and the other.

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Speaker 5: Thing I started to notice recently is this thing that

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Speaker 5: she's mimicking me, Like really trying to mimic me.

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Speaker 2: So that though, so that so you're bombing and she's

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Speaker 2: mimicking you.

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Speaker 5: Well she can't properly though, because because because I do

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Speaker 5: a lot of these ones, I do a lot of

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Speaker 5: like like that.

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Speaker 3: I love that lights are up, like I made little noises.

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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah, okay, So you can see her.

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Speaker 5: Going like trying to copy me.

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Speaker 3: So I upscaled her today and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 3: cop that, Max, I have to the good one for

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Speaker 3: the record here. Nice is that right?

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Speaker 2: Go again?

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Speaker 4: Oh that's perfect, Yeah, that's perfect. So you leave the

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Speaker 4: house and go six hours work on it that If

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Speaker 4: you're having six hours, you're not doing water drops, you're

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Speaker 4: not much.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. But in that so if she's able to.

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Speaker 6: Replicate, Benea was swearing, well swearing, and I sort of

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Speaker 6: take back the point on the like, if she's replicating,

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Speaker 6: you're doing I can't even know it.

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Speaker 4: You give me six hours. I'll compete with maxim for

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Speaker 4: six hours. Surely she's seeing you like on a phone

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Speaker 4: call or something as well.

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Speaker 3: Yeah definitely.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, but you're saying you can't you can't think about that, because.

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Speaker 3: Well, no, that's not what I'm saying. Don't put words

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Speaker 3: in my mouth.

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Speaker 2: I'm just trying to understand what you're saying.

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Speaker 5: No, no, no, I'm definitely not saying that you should. Definitely

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Speaker 5: think about the fact that the child's around you. That's

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Speaker 5: what I'm saying, Like I don't trying to have an

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Speaker 5: argument with sem in front of her, to get emotional

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Speaker 5: in front of her, like I'm trying not to give

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Speaker 5: her that sort of trauma.

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Speaker 3: Definitely, think about it, I suppose. I don't know. I

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Speaker 3: think I am acutely.

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Speaker 5: Conscious, particularly at the moment, about how much and we

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Speaker 5: kind of touched on this a little bit last week,

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Speaker 5: how much like our life is changing for our baby

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Speaker 5: versus how much we're trying to continue on our normal lives.

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Speaker 5: So it's the same with music and Max, Like a

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Speaker 5: lot of you know, people like don't have music around

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Speaker 5: the child of that sort of stuff.

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Speaker 3: I play music all the time.

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Speaker 5: And if my music I want to play, I don't

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Speaker 5: put on like you know, fucking lullabis I put on.

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Speaker 2: You would put on my neck, my back, lick my un.

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Speaker 3: Well, if I was into the song, then yeah, I

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Speaker 3: probably would.

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Speaker 2: I just tried Dirtie by Christina Aguilera.

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Speaker 3: She's not going to pick up the lyrics. We've been

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Speaker 3: through this. I just don't know. Yeah, well, you know,

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Speaker 3: I just feel like.

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Speaker 2: That, like I think it is going somewhere and she's

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Speaker 2: not going to wake up.

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Speaker 4: I feel like she'll wake up and she's thirteen, and

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Speaker 4: it's be like I remember, I remember all of that.

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Speaker 2: I again. I know this is stupid. I know this

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Speaker 2: is ciling. This is the whole point of this podcast.

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Speaker 2: And I wouldn't bring this up with anyone else, but.

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Speaker 5: Like she's going to wake up one day and he's

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Speaker 5: gonna go on by herself. Well, it's all leather crop

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Speaker 5: top and some cargo pants and roll around in the dirt.

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Speaker 2: Maybe.

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Speaker 3: No, she's not talking about getting dirty. She's not. She's

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Speaker 3: just not. Yeah, I'll tell you what I have.

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Speaker 5: I did have her like speaking of the child, sort

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Speaker 5: of communicating with you. I'm writing an article this week

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Speaker 5: about this for Father's Day. But I I was sort

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Speaker 5: of like after our chat last week about the compromising time,

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Speaker 5: you know, sort of giving up time and what you

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Speaker 5: give up for the child and stuff, And this is

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Speaker 5: the article that I write this week as well.

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Speaker 4: So I rehash our gear on here with your bloody

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Speaker 4: article what do you mean, did you give the podcast

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Speaker 4: a plug?

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Speaker 3: No, No, absolutely, I gave the show plug. Obviously, give

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Speaker 3: the podcast a plug.

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Speaker 5: Well, well, there's a lot to weave in because I

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Speaker 5: ended up I had this moment after It was actually

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Speaker 5: after the show, after we did the podcast last week,

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Speaker 5: and we were talking about all this stuff, and I

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Speaker 5: rode home and I will get to how a child

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Speaker 5: communicating with you comes into this, but I rode home

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Speaker 5: and I was feeling anxious about the fact that I've

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Speaker 5: been away from Max for a really long time, meaning.

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Speaker 2: The day, the workday, the work day.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think we had something on this

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Speaker 5: apart from this, we had something else on in the morning,

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Speaker 5: and I was I just felt very absent.

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Speaker 3: I felt very absent, and it kind I kind of

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Speaker 3: had a bit of.

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Speaker 5: A capitulation, to be honest, because I got home and

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Speaker 5: I was feeling and I think a lot of dads

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Speaker 5: or just let's just call them bread winners in general,

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Speaker 5: doesn't need to be a dad these days. But traditionally,

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Speaker 5: obviously it was the guy who went and worked. That's

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Speaker 5: why I'm using that term. But obviously there are lots

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Speaker 5: of working mums as well, so it can be either

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Speaker 5: one of you, but for the person who's not the

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Speaker 5: primary care. When you have to leave and you go away,

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Speaker 5: you sort of like you spend I almost felt like

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Speaker 5: that wasn't a place where I felt safe or like

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Speaker 5: a place where I could relax.

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Speaker 3: Because when I was at home, and this is still

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Speaker 3: going on.

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Speaker 5: When I was at home, I was feeling anxious about

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Speaker 5: the fact that I, you know, well, I wasn't working

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Speaker 5: or I wasn't working on myself, right, So you kind

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Speaker 5: of got these You're trying to work, to provide for

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Speaker 5: your kid, work on yourself so that you're not grumpy,

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Speaker 5: aground your kid, and then be.

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Speaker 3: With your kid.

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Speaker 5: They're like these three things, and all of them are

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Speaker 5: pulling towards the fact that you want to be a

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Speaker 5: better parent, but you can't satisfy all of them at once.

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Speaker 5: So when I'm at home, I'm thinking about, geez, what

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Speaker 5: else I could be doing on myself? Have I got

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Speaker 5: enough time to do exercise? You know what am I

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Speaker 5: going to do at work tomorrow? And then when I'm

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Speaker 5: at work, I'm going, jeez, I'm not at home with

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Speaker 5: my kid. So I skated home after work last Wednesday.

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Speaker 5: I was like anxious to be like, oh my god,

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Speaker 5: I would have ge skateboarded. No, like I like, I

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Speaker 5: flew home. No, I didn't skpe, but I was.

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Speaker 4: Dad trying to be cool again. Well he's trying a

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Speaker 4: new thing. Are he's skateboarding?

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Speaker 1: Now?

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Speaker 5: No?

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Speaker 4: I rode my bike so anyway, I windsailed home and

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Speaker 4: she had backed anyway, I got on the new chop

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Speaker 4: of the new motorbike.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, motivating there.

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Speaker 5: And I got home and I got home just in

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Speaker 5: time to put her down, which was like the whole goal.

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Speaker 5: And I got there and she she just like screamed

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Speaker 5: in my face, like screamed in my face, like guttural

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Speaker 5: scream in my face. I never seen her scream make

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Speaker 5: that in my face before, and it was like, oh

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Speaker 5: my god. And it was it became obvious to me

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Speaker 5: that she was like strangely unfamiliar with me.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, because I.

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Speaker 5: Haven't been able to put her down because we worked

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Speaker 5: till six o'clock. She goes to bed at seven and

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Speaker 5: I just missed it. So I was like and I

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Speaker 5: was like, no, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. And

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Speaker 5: I tried for like fifteen, like half an hour, and

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Speaker 5: it's like it's sort of screaming that like you sweat

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Speaker 5: from this sort.

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Speaker 3: Of screaming friends tell me about that, really touches like

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Speaker 3: you can't stop it. It's just a physiological response.

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Speaker 4: Because I was going to do a Rocky style baby

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Speaker 4: crying boot camp, right, which was just going to I

381
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Speaker 4: was just going to spend hours every day listening to

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Speaker 4: babies crying in my ears to sort of build like

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Speaker 4: a fitness if you want, or.

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Speaker 3: I don't think it would work unless it was your child,

385
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Speaker 3: exactly right.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it's exactly what friends of mine said, a baby crying,

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Speaker 4: I couldn't give a shit, But as soon as your

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Speaker 4: baby's crying, you get this physiological reaction to it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so I've put away the Rocky baby crying boot camp.

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Speaker 4: Good idea though, bro, I mean I thought it was

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Speaker 4: a good idea until speaking to any parent about the idea.

392
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Speaker 4: But yeah, so she's screaming at your face and like

393
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Speaker 4: you so you're having quite a physiological reaction.

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Speaker 3: Shocking. And I'll tell you more about this on the

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Speaker 3: show because I tied in.

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Speaker 5: With the interview we had with Matthew McConaughey and the mcmonnaissance.

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Speaker 5: So that's where the article ends up and we'll talk

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Speaker 5: about this on the show and the lead up to

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Speaker 5: Father's Day coming up this week, because I want to

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Speaker 5: make a call to my dad on the show.

401
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:03,840
Speaker 2: Oh nice.

402
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:05,639
Speaker 4: Do you think it's a bit like when we had

403
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:10,000
Speaker 4: Shannon nol in the studio exactly? And yeah, he so Nolesey,

404
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,720
Speaker 4: who obviously tours a lot, and he's away from his

405
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,840
Speaker 4: four kids a fair bit.

406
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,960
Speaker 2: And it's it's.

407
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Speaker 4: Been so interesting because we can look at that situation.

408
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Speaker 4: Anyone can look at that situation and know that he's

409
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Speaker 4: actually supporting his family by going away, and well, anyone

410
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Speaker 4: but the kid exactly. And he said his young kids

411
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,840
Speaker 4: like at like, who the hell are you?

412
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,600
Speaker 5: Well, he came back with all these presents from New

413
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,560
Speaker 5: York and he gave them to the kid. It's like

414
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,160
Speaker 5: a you know, trying to you know, It's like that

415
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,840
Speaker 5: old Beatles song, Can't Buy Me Love.

416
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Speaker 3: So that's we're at with Nlesy.

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Speaker 5: He comes home with all these presents from New York,

418
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Speaker 5: kid gets them, literally throws them away, goes and hugs.

419
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Speaker 3: His mom said it took like two months to rebuild

420
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Speaker 3: the connection with the chop.

421
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Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, So I'm standing there and getting grilled

422
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Speaker 5: in the face, and I'm like, you know what, I

423
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Speaker 5: can't do this, so and it's a really it was

424
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Speaker 5: a really debilitating thing to do. I kind of like

425
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Speaker 5: walk back into Sam. I can still you gotta put

426
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:02,879
Speaker 5: Max down some of that. So I like put it

427
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,760
Speaker 5: on the bed, walk back into SAMD. I'm like, I

428
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,720
Speaker 5: can't do it. I actually can't do it. And the

429
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Speaker 5: really harrowing thing was that Sam went in there and

430
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Speaker 5: within like a couple of minutes she was, oh, yeah, killer.

431
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Speaker 3: And I was like, I just I was such an

432
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Speaker 3: acute sense of shame. I was just like, I've failed.

433
00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:20,320
Speaker 3: I'm a bad parent, bad dad. Yeah, bloody fucked it.

434
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Speaker 5: So anyway, I luckily I actually had appointment with my

435
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,919
Speaker 5: psychologist the next day because after that and I was

436
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,919
Speaker 5: telling I was telling you, and I was telling Sam

437
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,520
Speaker 5: that I had this real.

438
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Speaker 3: Need to feel held.

439
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,000
Speaker 5: I was like, I just can't find a place in

440
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Speaker 5: my life where I feel like safe or forgiven. I'm

441
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,840
Speaker 5: just constantly trying to, like, you know, do all these

442
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,440
Speaker 5: things that make me a better parent without getting approval

443
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:46,800
Speaker 5: for it.

444
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:47,080
Speaker 3: You know.

445
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:50,200
Speaker 5: I'm just like it's all I'm doing. And I'm sure

446
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,040
Speaker 5: a lot of people listening to this who who are

447
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,200
Speaker 5: the breadwinner in their house old will feel the same thing.

448
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,520
Speaker 5: You can't satisfy all of these things at the same time.

449
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:00,000
Speaker 3: You just can't.

450
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,520
Speaker 5: That's your lot as a parent, is it just like

451
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,840
Speaker 5: I can't tick all those boxes at the same time.

452
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,520
Speaker 3: There will always be something that you can't do.

453
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,480
Speaker 5: So I told my Psycha that the same thing that

454
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,320
Speaker 5: I was like, I have this feel, this need to

455
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,680
Speaker 5: sort of be held. And this is where it ties

456
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,200
Speaker 5: back in with you were talking before about babies communicating

457
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:25,520
Speaker 5: with you and you communicating with babies. He said that

458
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,680
Speaker 5: what you're feeling, this need to feel held that you have,

459
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:35,920
Speaker 5: you're experiencing that because Max is experiencing that with you.

460
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:36,920
Speaker 2: So you needed to be held.

461
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,680
Speaker 3: When you were are yes, so you're seeing on her.

462
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,359
Speaker 3: Because you're seeing it on her.

463
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:49,040
Speaker 5: She's making you relive that yourself at the moment, which

464
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,720
Speaker 5: is why Which is funny when we're talking just before

465
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,240
Speaker 5: about that physiological response that you have when it's your child,

466
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,840
Speaker 5: wouldn't surprise me if that was the same thing, because

467
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,280
Speaker 5: when you said I needed to be held as a baby,

468
00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:03,240
Speaker 5: and this is what Steve and my sych pointed out

469
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,040
Speaker 5: to me, everybody needs to be held as a baby.

470
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:11,040
Speaker 5: Because my response to that was like, Max doesn't love me.

471
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:12,760
Speaker 3: He was like, that's not how babies work.

472
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:17,000
Speaker 5: Babies are like designed to look incredibly cute, big eyes

473
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,160
Speaker 5: oggle at you, apart from Mimi when she was a baby,

474
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:24,119
Speaker 5: and and you're meant to love them because that's all

475
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,440
Speaker 5: they need. Love me, pick me up, put me down,

476
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,679
Speaker 5: change me, kiss me, hug me, hold me. That's their

477
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,800
Speaker 5: agenda me love me, love me, love me, love me

478
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:36,160
Speaker 5: exactly exactly that that's that's exactly how they survived. So

479
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,240
Speaker 5: he was like, that's what you're re experiencing is the

480
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,920
Speaker 5: fact that as a kid, and everybody would have experienced

481
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,520
Speaker 5: as a kid in some way or another, you weren't

482
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:46,320
Speaker 5: held enough.

483
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,600
Speaker 3: In some way, you weren't That's why we've all.

484
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:53,720
Speaker 5: Got deficiencism in ourselves because as kids we experience some

485
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,640
Speaker 5: lack of love somewhere.

486
00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:03,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, that's deep stuff.

487
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:07,800
Speaker 5: Well it was amazing, And I suppose I'm saying this

488
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:09,560
Speaker 5: on this podcast because I reckon there'll be a lot

489
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:13,640
Speaker 5: of dads who would have felt and not realize that

490
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:17,879
Speaker 5: that's what they're feeling. So what's the solution there realizing that, like.

491
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,879
Speaker 4: Is the solution go to therapy though, like if you

492
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,320
Speaker 4: if you like, I'm saying like, there doesn't everything you've

493
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,800
Speaker 4: brought up there. Yeah, you've just sort of highlighted that

494
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,200
Speaker 4: it was deficiencies in your No, I don't mean to

495
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,639
Speaker 4: say deficiency is in the way that you were brought up,

496
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,280
Speaker 4: but like you're you're remembering some level of trauma when

497
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:36,000
Speaker 4: you're a baby, So it's not actually tweaking the way

498
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,440
Speaker 4: that you are as a dad. It's more figuring out

499
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:39,320
Speaker 4: yourself right the.

500
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,159
Speaker 5: Lot I think it well, I think and this is

501
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:42,720
Speaker 5: kind of where I got to with Steve and I

502
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:43,720
Speaker 5: was like, you know.

503
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,199
Speaker 3: What do we do about this?

504
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:48,439
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's where I'm sitting there now going like it's

505
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:49,800
Speaker 4: supposed to be an advice podcast.

506
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,840
Speaker 2: I'm just like shh.

507
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,600
Speaker 3: Yeah. I was sitting there going like where am I at?

508
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,360
Speaker 3: Like what do I do with this? This is awful?

509
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,720
Speaker 3: And he was like, make get some sleep.

510
00:22:59,320 --> 00:22:59,760
Speaker 2: Oh.

511
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:04,040
Speaker 5: It was like yeah, he was like this this is

512
00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:06,439
Speaker 5: being a parent. This is why people say, like, you know,

513
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,840
Speaker 5: people always like parents parenting is really difficult.

514
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:14,320
Speaker 3: He was just like, welcome to parents. You're getting beaten.

515
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 5: Yeah, you're getting beaten from pillow to post, and I'm

516
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,000
Speaker 5: not I'm not going to sit here and tell you

517
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:21,399
Speaker 5: that it's going to change anytime soon. Yeah, he was like,

518
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,639
Speaker 5: but get some sleep, Like that's the best offense you

519
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,280
Speaker 5: have is right now, to go and sleep because you'll

520
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,399
Speaker 5: need it because it's you're gonna wake up tomorrow. And

521
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,080
Speaker 5: as we said on this podcast before, the baby will

522
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,000
Speaker 5: still the baby will still be there.

523
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:35,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you are a good dad,

524
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,320
Speaker 2: and you are a good mom. Whoever you are, you're

525
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:37,720
Speaker 2: a good dad.

526
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:40,840
Speaker 4: Unless you're bloody out or night on the bloody on

527
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,240
Speaker 4: the on the drugs and you know, not going home,

528
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:44,200
Speaker 4: then you're a sick parent.

529
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,480
Speaker 2: But like for most of us that are.

530
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,880
Speaker 4: Bloody scall there doing your drugs right off here, but

531
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,000
Speaker 4: so many pivile is't you are a good parent?

532
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:56,920
Speaker 2: Have you ever known a butterfly? Hug?

533
00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,879
Speaker 3: I mean, I think it's a butterfly A topic pivot.

534
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:02,399
Speaker 3: I'm impressed it.

535
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,159
Speaker 4: It's very it's very on topic with what you were

536
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,399
Speaker 4: talking about, and that if you're in a position as

537
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,119
Speaker 4: a parent where you feel like you're a bad dad,

538
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:13,600
Speaker 4: and if that is more reflecting that you weren't held

539
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:14,320
Speaker 4: when you were young.

540
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:15,840
Speaker 2: As you said, I think a lot of people relate

541
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:16,080
Speaker 2: to that.

542
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:17,919
Speaker 4: So saying that I'm working on at the moment with

543
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:23,000
Speaker 4: my syc, it's imagery and these butterfly hugs effectively.

544
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,479
Speaker 2: And you try and remember a time when you were

545
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:26,880
Speaker 2: a kid.

546
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,840
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, And actually you can't for this to work,

547
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,479
Speaker 4: you can't have the imagery of someone you know. But

548
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,280
Speaker 4: you need to think of someone like in a movie

549
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,760
Speaker 4: or a fictional character or whatever that you look at

550
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,080
Speaker 4: and go like that person gives a lot of love,

551
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 4: or like that person is if they held you, that

552
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,040
Speaker 4: feel really nice. And I was doing this with her

553
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,800
Speaker 4: and my the person I thought of was Robin Williams

554
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,080
Speaker 4: in Hook So.

555
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,560
Speaker 5: To this, yeah yeah, Peter Pan, Yeah yeah yeah, so

556
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,359
Speaker 5: as Peter Pan, like in the tights.

557
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,440
Speaker 4: Okay, so this is where my imagery and a bit wild.

558
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,080
Speaker 4: And my syc said that she was you really built

559
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,119
Speaker 4: the bit. But he was dressed as Peter Pan and

560
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,800
Speaker 4: he rocked up to his birthday party brushing tights. Peter

561
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,560
Speaker 4: took me to this room, and so it's Robin Williings.

562
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,959
Speaker 4: He took you to a room Robin Willis dressed as

563
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,760
Speaker 4: Peter Pan took me to a room.

564
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,440
Speaker 2: What took me to like away from the party.

565
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,840
Speaker 4: I was feeling a bit anxious about this party, and

566
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 4: then you just spoke to me, and then he just

567
00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:23,600
Speaker 4: gave me this huge hug, which was awesome. But then

568
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:27,520
Speaker 4: so something that if you guys want to try this,

569
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 4: I don't know, go for it. But effectively, when you

570
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,320
Speaker 4: have a good feeling like that, if you have a

571
00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:35,919
Speaker 4: memory of a good feeling, to seed it in, something

572
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,560
Speaker 4: you can do is cross your arms over your chest

573
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:40,280
Speaker 4: and then just.

574
00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:47,240
Speaker 3: Like, oh what em D Yeah, well it's that.

575
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:48,560
Speaker 2: What does that stand for?

576
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:53,800
Speaker 5: It's eye movement displacement recognition or something like that.

577
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:55,000
Speaker 3: So you like, tap.

578
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:58,680
Speaker 2: Tap in the good feeling. It's awesome.

579
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, so originally the eye movement, So you do it

580
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:05,360
Speaker 3: rather than tapping. You use your eyes ah to.

581
00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:07,320
Speaker 5: Go on back and forth and to sort of emulate

582
00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:09,600
Speaker 5: the processing pattern that your eyes do when you're in

583
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:10,160
Speaker 5: rem sleep.

584
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:11,359
Speaker 2: Ah.

585
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:15,520
Speaker 5: So you do it with tapping. It's not not this fast, no,

586
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:18,240
Speaker 5: it's yeah. And then you work with a with a

587
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,920
Speaker 5: core memory and then you yeah, you replace that memory.

588
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:21,120
Speaker 3: Yeah.

589
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:23,800
Speaker 5: It's very powerful stuff, very in vogue in psychology at

590
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:24,120
Speaker 5: the moment.

591
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,560
Speaker 2: The first time did the first time, it was bloody awesome.

592
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:27,720
Speaker 3: It's really powerful.

593
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:29,680
Speaker 2: But then my imagery like really took over though.

594
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,520
Speaker 4: In this and this is where money. You had to

595
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,080
Speaker 4: be like, Okay, I think we've had enough. But I

596
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:35,640
Speaker 4: was like, I'm just starting to.

597
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,800
Speaker 2: Get very worried that I went this party. He's dressed

598
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 2: as Peter Pan. He needs to get changed.

599
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:48,040
Speaker 4: Then I was that getting anxious because I was like, oh,

600
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,480
Speaker 4: this is going to be awful for you.

601
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,400
Speaker 2: You're going to war. It's a sixteenth it's a sixteenth

602
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:55,320
Speaker 2: birthday party. You're no one's dad, and you are fucking

603
00:26:55,359 --> 00:26:56,240
Speaker 2: dressed as Peter Pan.

604
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:03,080
Speaker 3: You don't Robin Williams. I was like, put something Robin Williams.

605
00:27:03,119 --> 00:27:05,720
Speaker 3: He's not going to fit into the party. He's Robin Williams.

606
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:08,280
Speaker 5: That's a party on the planet that he wouldn't walk

607
00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:09,640
Speaker 5: into and everyone would.

608
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 3: Go, oh my god, please come in.

609
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 4: That's very true, Robin Williams, very very good point.

610
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,280
Speaker 2: I had to end my imagery because I was getting you.

611
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,480
Speaker 5: Got worried about how he was going to go, because

612
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,679
Speaker 5: because he was going in the laser tag or.

613
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,200
Speaker 4: Something, no, that he was just gonna be like the

614
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,680
Speaker 4: kids were gonna be liked a bad smells Robin, but

615
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:28,560
Speaker 4: he's dressed his Peter pan like it's a bit off.

616
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,400
Speaker 2: Why did you wrong? I'm dressed as Peter and then Williams.

617
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:33,760
Speaker 4: Then I was like, maybe you can put my dad's

618
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,200
Speaker 4: clothes on, and I was like, I don't want dad

619
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,560
Speaker 4: to catch you going through his jocks.

620
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:42,080
Speaker 2: Anyway, your house, it got totally, got totally out of control,

621
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:43,560
Speaker 2: got totally.

622
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 5: How did you how did you manage iteak out the

623
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:46,399
Speaker 5: window or something?

624
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:47,879
Speaker 2: No, I had to get out of the imagery.

625
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:49,639
Speaker 3: Oh, you just left it.

626
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:50,399
Speaker 2: I had to get out.

627
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:54,560
Speaker 4: Money just pulled me out of there.

628
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,920
Speaker 3: She was, Robin Williams is roughing through my dad's jock draws.

629
00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:00,320
Speaker 2: She was, We're no longer sitting.

630
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:06,680
Speaker 3: We need we need to get out.

631
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:13,119
Speaker 2: Not on Peter Bean stealing my dad's job. Fascinating, great stuff.

632
00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:17,080
Speaker 3: Before we get out of here. I totally cooked. What

633
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 3: E M d R stands for?

634
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:24,840
Speaker 5: Rare? I know I movement, desensitization and reprocessing is what

635
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:29,120
Speaker 5: it stands for. I think I said I movements something.

636
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 2: Out both times very good.

637
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:34,760
Speaker 3: Anyway, if you want to look it up, you can

638
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:36,800
Speaker 3: do it. Yeah, i'd gone.

639
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:38,960
Speaker 5: I talked to you psychologist about it or something like

640
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:40,800
Speaker 5: that was very powerful, very powerful therapy.

641
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 2: Anyway, enjoy your day or night or evening or whatever.