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Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coilson.

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Speaker 1: We are Lukin Susi and this is the podcast for

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Speaker 1: time poor parents who just want answers.

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Speaker 2: Now every week, different people, same question comes up, and

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Speaker 2: that is about our children with social media, our children

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Speaker 2: with screens.

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Speaker 1: Because we know as adults this is a big deal

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Speaker 1: as well how much time and how we engage with

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Speaker 1: but where we know that in particular with our young

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Speaker 1: people and whether they're hit the teenage years or not,

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Speaker 1: everybody wants to be on some form of social media,

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Speaker 1: whether in Snapchat or Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or

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Speaker 1: whatever it might be. And we don't know how to

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Speaker 1: navigate the world of our teenager's mind and their social life,

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Speaker 1: especially when we can't see it in front of us,

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Speaker 1: like two people.

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Speaker 2: Talking exactly when we get to fully see exactly what

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Speaker 2: the consequences are. But we are starting to get some information.

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Speaker 2: And one man who is across social media when it

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Speaker 2: comes to our kids and is certainly researching it all

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Speaker 2: the time, is doctor Justin Coulson from Happy Families dot

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Speaker 2: com dot aus. I think it's no surprise that this

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Speaker 2: is a question we're getting every week, justin that parents

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Speaker 2: are concerned about how much screen time is okay? Or

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Speaker 2: you know, how much we should be intervening in our

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Speaker 2: teenager's social media life. It's I think pretty reasonable questions

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Speaker 2: that we're getting.

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Speaker 3: Probably the most commonly asked question for me as well,

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Speaker 3: how do I get my kids off screens? What are

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Speaker 3: screens doing to my children? How do I how I

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Speaker 3: get this right? It comes up all the time, and

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Speaker 3: it's causing all sorts of challenges for families.

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Speaker 2: We have addressed this with you a number of times,

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Speaker 2: but I think the fact that we're continuing to get

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Speaker 2: this question it's worth raising.

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Speaker 1: It changes all the time because in a sense, the

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Speaker 1: platform changes from Facebook to Twitter, to Instagram to Snapchat,

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Speaker 1: and as parents, we're finding it difficult to keep up

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Speaker 1: with the flow. YouTube is in there. There's a whole

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Speaker 1: bunch of things that just keep moving, and our kids

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Speaker 1: change development phases, and it's pretty intense.

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Speaker 4: It really is.

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Speaker 3: Let me give you an eye of just how intense

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Speaker 3: it is. I think that first of all, we need

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Speaker 3: to acknowledge that every time we use a screen, we're

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Speaker 3: being manipulated by definition. We are and our children are

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Speaker 3: as well. As soon as you pick up a screen,

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Speaker 3: you're being manipulated. You think about when I go to

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Speaker 3: schools and I run workshops on this. I've started doing

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Speaker 3: workshops with parents and children, so we'll get all the

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Speaker 3: year seven parents and their kids in or year eight

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Speaker 3: or year whatever grade it is, and we talk about

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Speaker 3: this stuff. I get everyone to pull their phone out,

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Speaker 3: and I asked them to just hold it in their

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Speaker 3: hand and just focus on how they feel, both physically

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Speaker 3: and emotionally while they're holding it. Now, you think about that,

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Speaker 3: how does it feel to hold that phone in your hand?

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Speaker 3: How does it make you feel emotionally? How does it

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Speaker 3: make you feel physically?

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Speaker 1: You're asking us.

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Speaker 4: I am asking you.

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Speaker 2: Funny because I would say sometimes it makes me feel

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Speaker 2: in control, like I'm safe, I've got my phone, everything's okay.

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Speaker 3: And that that answer comes up so often parents will

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Speaker 3: say I feel like I'm less anxious, I feel like

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Speaker 3: I'm in control. I feel like I've got control, very

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Speaker 3: very common answers. And then people focus on the physical,

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Speaker 3: the esthetic, and they say it's just the right weight.

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Speaker 3: And actually, I had one gentleman say in a workshop

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Speaker 3: that I did in Camber recently, it makes me feel luxurious.

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Speaker 3: Oh wow, because he's got a brand new phone, and

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Speaker 3: you know, it feels so nice.

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Speaker 4: And I made the point. This is not by accident.

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Speaker 3: The designers of these devices have made them feel like this,

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Speaker 3: because when we feel good using their devices, will use

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Speaker 3: them more. But it's not just the way it feels.

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Speaker 3: It's also the big the big companies that run the show.

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Speaker 4: So who are the big three.

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Speaker 3: You've got Apples, I'm not talking just about the hardware.

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Speaker 3: I'm talking about the software. It's also the big platforms, Apple, Google,

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Speaker 3: and Facebook. They're the big three. They pretty much control

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Speaker 3: what's going on. And you know, once upon a time

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Speaker 3: when you picked up the telephone in the hallway or

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Speaker 3: in the kitchen, when you were a kid, a child

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Speaker 3: of the let's say the eighties. Yes, all right, and

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Speaker 3: you've got that phone connected to the cord, connected to

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Speaker 3: the wall.

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Speaker 2: And it took ten minutes to dial the number road.

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Speaker 3: There wasn't a thousand engineers on the other end of

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Speaker 3: that line trying to get you to use the phone more.

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Speaker 3: But now when we pick up a device, these three

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Speaker 3: companies and all of the other ones that are out

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Speaker 3: there as well, but certainly these big three, they are

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Speaker 3: they have more power than any government in the world,

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Speaker 3: and they're after one thing and one thing only, and

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Speaker 3: that is our attention. To put it into context, there

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Speaker 3: are two billion people on Facebook.

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Speaker 2: Two billion, and there's eight billion in the world now.

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Speaker 3: Right about that. There are more people on Facebook than

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Speaker 3: there are Christians. There are more people on YouTube. There's

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Speaker 3: one point five billion users of YouTube than there are

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Speaker 3: in the Islamic community.

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Speaker 4: These numbers are extraordinary. And these companies have more power

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Speaker 4: than any government.

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Speaker 3: They have more power than anyone and their whole goal

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Speaker 3: is to manipulate us by getting our attention.

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Speaker 4: That's all they want. And here's the scariest thing of all.

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Speaker 3: Every time we click, we give them more information about

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Speaker 3: what will keep us there longer. Every single time we click,

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Speaker 3: they're getting this. And so I think once upon a

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Speaker 3: time I used to say that it's neither good nor bad.

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Speaker 3: Technology is what we make it. But I am increasingly

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Speaker 3: concerned about technology. And there's three main reasons. Number One,

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Speaker 3: it's absolutely total. From the time we wake up in

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Speaker 3: the morning until the time we go to bed, we

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Speaker 3: are holding, touching, using, interacting with our devices. Secondly, we've

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Speaker 3: never had a product that is so social. These devices

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Speaker 3: are ultimately binding us to other people, but not necess

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Speaker 3: necessarily in great ways, because they're showing us what we're

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Speaker 3: missing out on. They're making us feel jealous, they're making

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Speaker 3: us feel.

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Speaker 4: Like we're not good enough.

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Speaker 3: We never had a product so social TV is not

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Speaker 3: social like these devices.

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Speaker 1: It's static. It's a monologue, not a dialogue exactly.

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Speaker 3: And we've never had a product so personal. Like I said,

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Speaker 3: every click you tell them more about what we'll keep

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Speaker 3: you there.

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Speaker 1: True.

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Speaker 3: So as a result of that, I'm really genuinely, deeply

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Speaker 3: concerned that we're using our devices way too much.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and this has grown ups that have this happening

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Speaker 2: to them, but this is now happening in the minds

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Speaker 2: of children, like you've mentioned before, not fully formed brains

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Speaker 2: that are still you know, making those connections to decipher

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Speaker 2: how they're going to interact with the world for their life.

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Speaker 3: And being wide and manipulated as they're using these devices

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Speaker 3: to rely on them more.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's kind of overwhelming actually to think about. So

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Speaker 2: from a parent's perspective, then how do we navigate that?

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Speaker 2: So we our children need to know how to interact

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Speaker 2: with technology. It's a part of our world, an important

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Speaker 2: part of our world, and an important part of many

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Speaker 2: futures when it comes to work.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, let me be really clear. I'm not anti

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Speaker 3: tech as much as it sounds like it. I'm pro interaction.

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Speaker 3: And when technology steals our relationships from us, when it

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Speaker 3: steals our physical activity, when it steals our brains, our

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Speaker 3: academic potential, that's when I get concerned about it. We

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Speaker 3: can have, at the risk of answer promorphizing technology, we

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Speaker 3: can have a healthy relationship with our phone as much

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Speaker 3: as we have a relationship with non human things. But

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Speaker 3: we've got to be so intentional about it. I recommend

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Speaker 3: a family a family screen time and media plan, and

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Speaker 3: when I'm doing these seminars with people, I actually walk

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Speaker 3: them through it. So let me ask you a couple

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Speaker 3: of quick questions. And these questions are the questions that

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Speaker 3: you should ask your family in order to put together

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Speaker 3: a family media plan. Here's the first one. What are

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Speaker 3: the most positive screen and media experiences that we have

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Speaker 3: as a family, and how can we have more of

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Speaker 3: those experiences? See, let's start with what's working. Let's start

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Speaker 3: with the stuff that feels good. You know, I know

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Speaker 3: that in our home, my three teenagers, they love to

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Speaker 3: sit down with Mum and Dad and watch the Flash

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Speaker 3: every time a new episode of the Flash comes out.

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Speaker 3: We're all in there. I'm not interested in watching. I

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Speaker 3: think that the whole barri Allen the Flash run very fast,

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Speaker 3: blah blah whatever. But my kids love it and it's

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Speaker 3: a family bonding time over screens, and that's fine.

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Speaker 4: We can do that once or twice a week, no

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Speaker 4: problem at all. So what are the positive experiences that

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Speaker 4: you're having with screens.

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Speaker 3: Let's get clear on what they are and let's work

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Speaker 3: out how we can maximize those and leverage them to

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Speaker 3: benefit our family. Question number two, When is it appropriate

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Speaker 3: to use media and screens and when do we require

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Speaker 3: screen free time? There are times where it's perfectly great.

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Speaker 3: There are times where it's completely unacceptable. Now it's not

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Speaker 3: for me to tell people when it's unacceptable, but I'm

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Speaker 3: going to anyway because I'm that kind of guy.

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Speaker 4: Don't use them at the.

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Speaker 3: Meal a real time at all those screens, no TV

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Speaker 3: on in the back ground, no tablets, no iPads, no laptops,

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Speaker 3: no phones, no nothing. And if somebody just has to

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Speaker 3: get up and google something right away, google it and

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Speaker 3: then put it away, we don't need these at meal time.

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Speaker 3: We need to communicate and connect with each other. In fact,

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Speaker 3: whenever we're communicating connecting, the devices really need to be away,

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Speaker 3: and especially in no devices around bedtime, in a half

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Speaker 3: an hour to an hour before bed, put them away.

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Speaker 3: And the same when you wake up your brain. Some

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Speaker 3: people use their phones like they use their coffee to

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Speaker 3: wake their brain up. It's not good for your brain.

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Speaker 3: Go outside, go for a ten minute walk, Go and meditate,

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Speaker 3: Go and pray, go and sing a song, Go and

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Speaker 3: do whatever it is that you do in the morning

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Speaker 3: to wake.

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Speaker 4: Up slowly and peacefully.

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Speaker 3: Next question, what is our decision regarding filters and other

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Speaker 3: security measures? I think that filters are valuable, But to

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Speaker 3: change the metaphor, while we need to fence our pool,

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Speaker 3: you can't fence the ocean. So we've got to do

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Speaker 3: so much more than have a filter, because it's not enough.

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Speaker 3: What's our decision regarding the apps that our children will

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Speaker 3: be allow access to and at what ages I want

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Speaker 3: to give you. And there's more questions that we can

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Speaker 3: go through, but we probably haven't got time for it.

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Speaker 3: But let me give you the best parenting app, sorry,

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Speaker 3: the best education app that you can get on a phone. Okay,

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Speaker 3: So if you if you pick up your phone and

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Speaker 3: if you're driving, don't do this. Just do it in

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Speaker 3: your head. This is actually an ad on that goes

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Speaker 3: with your camera. So pick up your phone, open up

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Speaker 3: the camera, okay, and in the camera there's that little

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Speaker 3: reversing bit. If you click on the reversing bit and

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Speaker 3: have a look into the phone right there, you'll be

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Speaker 3: able to see something.

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Speaker 1: What do you see?

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Speaker 4: You see you?

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Speaker 3: You are the best app for your children. You don't

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Speaker 3: need to download it, you just need to be there.

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Speaker 3: Most of the educational apps that are out there are garbage.

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Speaker 3: They're not educational. They are a waste of time and

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Speaker 3: they just teach kids to Sarah at screens. There are

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Speaker 3: some good ones, but most of them aren't. But the

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Speaker 3: best app for your children is you Love It.

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Speaker 1: Look at that on the Best I should be on

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Speaker 1: the list of the Apple Store five stars. It's fascinating.

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Speaker 1: We had not through planning, but we had a technology

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Speaker 1: free day with our kids just recently out of a

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Speaker 1: disciplinary scenario. And I tell you what, it was the

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Speaker 1: best day of connecting with our kids we've ever had

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Speaker 1: to the point where we went it's almost like it

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Speaker 1: was almost like a fasting for us as a family

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Speaker 1: from technology. Have that one day and we went We've

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Speaker 1: got to do this again. Yeah. We played cards, and

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Speaker 1: we kicked a footy and we did things that we

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Speaker 1: have neglected doing face to face and it was a

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Speaker 1: really good connection day.

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Speaker 3: Not anti technology, but I am pro connection and to

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Speaker 3: the extent that tech gets in the way of connection,

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Speaker 3: we need to get rid of tech.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, beautiful Justin Coilson from Happy Families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 2: It is a big question that I'm sure we will

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Speaker 2: continue to get into the future about how to manage

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Speaker 2: social media and screen time with our kids. But thank

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Speaker 2: you for talking about that with us today. We appreciate it.

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Speaker 4: I hope that helps well.

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Speaker 2: If you like some more information on how parenting can

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Speaker 2: be a little bit easier in your family, there's resources

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Speaker 2: available at the website happy families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 2: Or if you're interested in having doctor Justin Coulson speak

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Speaker 2: at your community, group, organization, or event, you can find

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Speaker 2: out more at Justinculson dot com.