1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,080
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

2
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,440
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now.

3
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,040
Speaker 2: Using a child's relative successes or failures as a measure

4
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,320
Speaker 2: of whether we are or aren't a good parent is

5
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:19,880
Speaker 2: unhelpful and unhealthy, but many of us take that as

6
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,120
Speaker 2: a signal that our parenting is on the right track.

7
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:25,600
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my Mum

8
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:26,640
Speaker 1: and Dado.

9
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:31,480
Speaker 2: I can't even speak. Oh gosh, it's a Bundai. Welcome

10
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:36,519
Speaker 2: to it. Hello, Hello, Hello, Johnny. Wait, why the British accent?

11
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:39,920
Speaker 3: I'm wondering myself for you?

12
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,000
Speaker 2: No, for you? Did I do a British accent? Or

13
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:42,680
Speaker 2: do I sound oker?

14
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:45,040
Speaker 3: I think it was a bit of both. Might be

15
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:45,760
Speaker 3: a little bit confused.

16
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,839
Speaker 2: Apologies to all Britts who are listening right now, who

17
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,279
Speaker 2: are hearing missus. Happy Families called you Oka. I'm going

18
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,040
Speaker 2: to throw you under the bus with that one. Alo

19
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,000
Speaker 2: is what I'm trying to say. Hello, it's a new week.

20
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,400
Speaker 2: We've got some important things to talk about that are parenting.

21
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,680
Speaker 2: I'm doctor Justin Colson, you're Kylie, my wife, Mundo, our

22
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,000
Speaker 2: six kids. I'm the founder of Happy Families dot com,

23
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:03,840
Speaker 2: dot Au and this is the Happy Families podcast.

24
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:05,759
Speaker 3: At least you're not confused about everything.

25
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,920
Speaker 2: Well, now we're in the swing of things. Don't waste

26
00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:11,880
Speaker 2: my momentum, otherwise I'll lose where we are. This week

27
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:16,120
Speaker 2: a very special week of episodes. We're going to tackle

28
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:21,160
Speaker 2: parenting myths all week long and I can't wait to

29
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,000
Speaker 2: get into it. There's so much to talk about here

30
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,560
Speaker 2: when it comes to myths. On Wednesday, an important interview

31
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:30,720
Speaker 2: with James Anderson about the myths around how our minds

32
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,840
Speaker 2: work with our children. But today missus Happy Families. What

33
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,000
Speaker 2: it means to be a good parent? What does it

34
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:39,040
Speaker 2: mean to be a good parent? That's what we're going

35
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,360
Speaker 2: to discuss. And You've got a couple of myths for

36
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,640
Speaker 2: us to explore and explode as well. Where are we

37
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,039
Speaker 2: going with this? What's the first one?

38
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,760
Speaker 3: Well, I've got being a good mum means to self sacrifice.

39
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,160
Speaker 2: Well, i'd say being a good parent because that's experienced

40
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,200
Speaker 2: the same part of pressure, maybe not maybe not the

41
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,040
Speaker 2: same level of guilt that mums do. But yeah, there's

42
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,920
Speaker 2: that idea of self sacrifice means to be a good parent.

43
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:02,040
Speaker 3: And we're going to talk a little bit about what

44
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,120
Speaker 3: it means if you're a good parent, you'll put to

45
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:06,680
Speaker 3: your kids before your spouse.

46
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,160
Speaker 2: Before we talk about those two myths, I just had

47
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,160
Speaker 2: a thought, So I'm going back to Parental Guide ince

48
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,720
Speaker 2: season one for those of you who didn't see it.

49
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:18,040
Speaker 2: In the final episode, we brought our finalists together around

50
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,600
Speaker 2: the fireplace and they opened up a letter that they'd

51
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,640
Speaker 2: written themselves before they went on the show, and the

52
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,480
Speaker 2: letter was really about what they hoped to get out

53
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,280
Speaker 2: of the show and how they felt about their kids.

54
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:31,560
Speaker 2: And I remember as they read the letter, our Tiger parents,

55
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:35,160
Speaker 2: Kevin and Debbie, looked at one another and they said,

56
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:40,120
Speaker 2: am I a good mom? Yes? Definitely, And I believe

57
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:45,280
Speaker 2: false your children will agree with me. They will consider

58
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,240
Speaker 2: themselves extremely lucky to have a month make you. It

59
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,320
Speaker 2: was such a beautiful, heartfelt moment. I'm my good parent.

60
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,000
Speaker 2: But I've reflected on that a lot. But we take

61
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,840
Speaker 2: parenting very seriously, not just at happy families, but in

62
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,680
Speaker 2: Western society, we take parenting very very seriously. And even

63
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,640
Speaker 2: though we've got decade of parenting science to guide us

64
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,760
Speaker 2: in our parenting, we really can't prepare ourselves to what

65
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:10,360
Speaker 2: parenting will require of us. Would you say that's fair, Yeah, totally,

66
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,679
Speaker 2: Like you get behind.

67
00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,520
Speaker 3: Just when you think it's all over because they move

68
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,600
Speaker 3: out of home, you realize that it's actually still going.

69
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:21,000
Speaker 2: It's all life type thing. Don't scare people. A lot

70
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,720
Speaker 2: of people are dealing with their one year old right now,

71
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,000
Speaker 2: going no, no, don't say that to me. But there's

72
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,799
Speaker 2: all these messes of daily life. There's so much research

73
00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,799
Speaker 2: that's supposed to guide us, and we want to get

74
00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,440
Speaker 2: things right because if we get things right, that means

75
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,640
Speaker 2: that we've been good parents. But what's right? Well, that's

76
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,120
Speaker 2: exactly what I was going to ask you. What does

77
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:38,840
Speaker 2: it mean to get parenting right? And how do we

78
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,480
Speaker 2: know that we're getting it right and that we're being

79
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,200
Speaker 2: good at what we do with all of these unexpected moments.

80
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,120
Speaker 2: That tries because frankly, there is so much parenting research

81
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,720
Speaker 2: to be done. There are so few answers that we

82
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,440
Speaker 2: really truly have and.

83
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,520
Speaker 3: From experience, just when you think you're getting it right,

84
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,880
Speaker 3: in the next breath, something goes wrong.

85
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,400
Speaker 2: But does that mean that you're not getting it right

86
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,360
Speaker 2: just because the kids aren't playing by the rules of

87
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,600
Speaker 2: the expectation that you've got in your mind. Does that

88
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,360
Speaker 2: mean you're not getting it right.

89
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,200
Speaker 3: It's interesting. I just had a conversation with our elders

90
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,960
Speaker 3: the other day. I was kind of having a little

91
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,360
Speaker 3: bit of a meltdown because we had a few children

92
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:17,680
Speaker 3: dealing with different challenges.

93
00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:18,840
Speaker 2: So, for those of you who are k new to

94
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,160
Speaker 2: the podcast, our eldest is in her twenties. She's been

95
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,120
Speaker 2: married for a few years now and moved out of

96
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:25,640
Speaker 2: home and living her life.

97
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,240
Speaker 3: And she just kind of joked with me and she said, Mum,

98
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:32,000
Speaker 3: she said, I'm looking at my siblings, and she said,

99
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,880
Speaker 3: each one of us has brought a different challenge to

100
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,839
Speaker 3: the table for you, and Dad.

101
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,840
Speaker 2: Only one one, Oh my goodness.

102
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,320
Speaker 3: And I kind of reflect her on that, and it's like,

103
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,960
Speaker 3: I just feel like we've worked through this particular challenge

104
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,160
Speaker 3: and we can't even use what we've learned from there

105
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,160
Speaker 3: with the next one because it's a totally different challenge,

106
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:57,240
Speaker 3: the totally different skill set required to navigate this particular

107
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,000
Speaker 3: difficulty that child's going through.

108
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,240
Speaker 2: Last week, when we had that episode about dad rage,

109
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,360
Speaker 2: your parent rage, one of the key themes that we

110
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:11,200
Speaker 2: emphasized in that episode was parenting teaches you a lot

111
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,560
Speaker 2: about yourself. It's going through these challenges with the children

112
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,680
Speaker 2: where you learn about yourself. And I think that when

113
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,320
Speaker 2: we consider what it is to be a good parent,

114
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,760
Speaker 2: we've got our metrics all wrong. We're looking at the

115
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,159
Speaker 2: wrong thing, Like do you look at how your child's

116
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,080
Speaker 2: turning out and use that as a metric. But even

117
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,320
Speaker 2: if you do turning out when like now, or turning

118
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,280
Speaker 2: out in five years or once they're an adult, or

119
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,240
Speaker 2: if they're the ducks of kinder or prep, does that

120
00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:38,280
Speaker 2: mean that we're nailing it? Or if they're one of

121
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,120
Speaker 2: the good looking popular lines, does that mean that we're

122
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,520
Speaker 2: good parents? Or is it just a question of lucky genes.

123
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,919
Speaker 3: It's so interesting when you put it like that, because

124
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:52,000
Speaker 3: the reality is I don't look at anyone else, any

125
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:56,720
Speaker 3: other relationship to determine whether or not I'm a good person. Yeah,

126
00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:02,400
Speaker 3: because the reality is each has the agency to make

127
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:06,600
Speaker 3: their own choices, regardless of what's going on around them

128
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:11,560
Speaker 3: or who's taught them. And yet, as a parent, because

129
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:16,080
Speaker 3: I am so emotionally invested right in this human being's

130
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:21,679
Speaker 3: life and their choices, I think that it determines whether

131
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,920
Speaker 3: or not I've been a good parent or not.

132
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,839
Speaker 2: So I wrote something that I want to read to you.

133
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,960
Speaker 2: I haven't shared this with you before, but I wrote

134
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:33,440
Speaker 2: something that highlights what you're saying and goes into it

135
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,360
Speaker 2: a little bit more depth. And I've really thought about

136
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,320
Speaker 2: this a lot, So tell me what you think about this.

137
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,000
Speaker 2: Here's what I said. Using a child's relative successes or

138
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:45,000
Speaker 2: failures in comparison appears as a measure of whether we

139
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,240
Speaker 2: are or aren't a good parent is unhelpful and unhealthy.

140
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,479
Speaker 2: But many of us take that as a signal that

141
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,440
Speaker 2: our parenting is on the right track, that we're doing

142
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,080
Speaker 2: well in the parenting stakes. But is how your child

143
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,440
Speaker 2: turns out even relevant to being a good parent. What

144
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,400
Speaker 2: if your child has ADHD and in spite of his

145
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,520
Speaker 2: genius mental ability, he has limited capacity to inhibit his

146
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,719
Speaker 2: behavior and so doesn't fulfill his academic potential. Oh and

147
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,520
Speaker 2: he's clumsy with social situations. You watch from a distance

148
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,400
Speaker 2: as he stumbles in his efforts to make friends. You

149
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,240
Speaker 2: know he has a beautiful heart, he's a gorgeous kid.

150
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,440
Speaker 2: He just can't seem to get it together. Does that

151
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,320
Speaker 2: mean you're not a good parent? What if you've provided

152
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,200
Speaker 2: a nurturing environment, built trust, had all of the important

153
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:28,800
Speaker 2: conversations been present and the experiment with alcohol or other drugs,

154
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,320
Speaker 2: make morally questionable choices, or drop out of school to

155
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:35,880
Speaker 2: pursue their art, even if that art is making YouTube

156
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,560
Speaker 2: videos or becoming a Twitch streamer. And are you a

157
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,400
Speaker 2: good parent while your children are young and compliant, but

158
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,480
Speaker 2: once they're in their teens and making independent choices that

159
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,920
Speaker 2: conflict with your value system and are now bad parent?

160
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:49,040
Speaker 2: That idea that we use the measure of our children's

161
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,280
Speaker 2: character as a reflection on the success that we've had

162
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:55,360
Speaker 2: as a parent, or the measure of our children's successes

163
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:57,600
Speaker 2: as a reflection of how good we are as a parent,

164
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:01,240
Speaker 2: It just doesn't make sense. That's something that we've got

165
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:06,120
Speaker 2: to get past. I think parenting is about us, not

166
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,720
Speaker 2: the kids. That's why it's called parenting. If it was

167
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,520
Speaker 2: about the kids, it would be called children ing.

168
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,440
Speaker 3: Well, I know, as I matured and you know, kind

169
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,720
Speaker 3: of became an adult, and people would, you know, constantly

170
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,240
Speaker 3: tell me that you know, I had these amazing parents

171
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,600
Speaker 3: and that you know, they they would be really proud

172
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,720
Speaker 3: of who I'd become. There was just there was this

173
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:29,000
Speaker 3: idea that I was who I was because of what

174
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:33,760
Speaker 3: they had done. And I felt like it took away

175
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:35,400
Speaker 3: from my own.

176
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:38,040
Speaker 2: Accomplishments or your own development, and.

177
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:43,720
Speaker 3: The fact that while I recognize, hands down I am

178
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,920
Speaker 3: the person I am today because in part of them

179
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:50,960
Speaker 3: their influence. Yeah, but ultimately it comes down to the

180
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,800
Speaker 3: choices I've made as a result of the things that

181
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,200
Speaker 3: they've taught me that make me who I am.

182
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,000
Speaker 2: That's a great comment. I'm so grateful to my parents

183
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,240
Speaker 2: for everything that they did for me, but I feel

184
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,840
Speaker 2: like I'm who I am because of the choices that

185
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,679
Speaker 2: I've made building on the foundation of the environment that

186
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:07,480
Speaker 2: they created for me and the support that they gave

187
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,000
Speaker 2: me as a child. Yeah, and I reckon Most people

188
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,760
Speaker 2: who will listen to this would say the same thing. Yeah,

189
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,559
Speaker 2: appreciate my parents, grateful what they did, But I've made

190
00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:17,600
Speaker 2: these choices. I've taken myself to the place that I

191
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,280
Speaker 2: am today. For better or for worse, It's on me,

192
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,240
Speaker 2: it's not on them. So this is a little bit theoretical.

193
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:31,360
Speaker 2: Let's talk about those myths right after the break. Dads

194
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,280
Speaker 2: are pretty awesome. Just ask me. Today, more dads are

195
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:37,000
Speaker 2: more involved with their children's lives than ever before, and

196
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,360
Speaker 2: research shows that their children are really benefiting from it,

197
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:44,280
Speaker 2: but too often dads don't realize just how vital they

198
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,400
Speaker 2: really are. In the Dadding Done Right webinar, join me,

199
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,080
Speaker 2: is I examine how dads can be a fantastic support,

200
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,840
Speaker 2: the ideal role model, and an excellent all round best

201
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,800
Speaker 2: dad ever. Check out Dadding Done Right at the Happy

202
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:57,640
Speaker 2: Families webshop.

203
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:01,080
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast podcast with a time poor

204
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,400
Speaker 3: parent who just wants answers? Now really interested where this

205
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:05,440
Speaker 3: conversation is going to go?

206
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:05,640
Speaker 1: Well?

207
00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:09,240
Speaker 2: I really enjoyed that first part of our conversation just now.

208
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:10,840
Speaker 2: It wasn't supposed to go on for that long, but

209
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,760
Speaker 2: I love where we went. Let's unpack this first myth

210
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,920
Speaker 2: of being a good parent. What is it?

211
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,200
Speaker 3: Being a good parent means to self sacrifice?

212
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:19,520
Speaker 1: Yeah?

213
00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:21,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Okay, So you've got a few things to

214
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,480
Speaker 2: say about this. As a mum of six kids, where

215
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:24,199
Speaker 2: do you want to start?

216
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:29,120
Speaker 3: I think that as a society, it is one hundred

217
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:32,520
Speaker 3: percent kind of an expectation that if you want to

218
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,040
Speaker 3: be a good parent, then you have to actually forego

219
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,200
Speaker 3: the things that you want in order to put your

220
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:43,000
Speaker 3: children first. And I've spent most of my mother in

221
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:48,280
Speaker 3: feeling like that was expected of me. At no point

222
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:52,240
Speaker 3: have I ever resented making those choices. But as I

223
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:56,840
Speaker 3: have matured and come to understand myself a lot more,

224
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:01,240
Speaker 3: just recently in the last few years, I have recognized

225
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:05,320
Speaker 3: that I'm actually a better mum when I am able

226
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:11,679
Speaker 3: to take care of myself first. But I didn't understand

227
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,360
Speaker 3: or recognize that as a young mum at a time

228
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,160
Speaker 3: where I probably needed it the most. I was so

229
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,480
Speaker 3: lacking in knowledge.

230
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, to some degree, the more you sacrifice your needs

231
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:22,680
Speaker 2: for your.

232
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,640
Speaker 3: Child, the less of me there is to go around.

233
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,319
Speaker 2: Which isn't always true, because sometimes we need to sacrifice

234
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,760
Speaker 2: our own needs for our children as well. And as

235
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,720
Speaker 2: a parent, one of the great learning processes we go

236
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:40,600
Speaker 2: through is that the capacity to discern when we should

237
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,000
Speaker 2: be and when we shouldn't be, and we make a

238
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,560
Speaker 2: lot of mistakes with it. But it's a myth. I

239
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,400
Speaker 2: agree with you. It's a myth that being a good

240
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,480
Speaker 2: parent means that you sacrifice your needs for your child

241
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,840
Speaker 2: all the time. There has to be a balance. It's

242
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,640
Speaker 2: not an all or nothing proposition in either direction. You

243
00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,920
Speaker 2: can't constantly sacrifice your child's needs because you have needs

244
00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:00,800
Speaker 2: we know, well, that's called neglect parenting, and we know

245
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,080
Speaker 2: how kids raised in those environments tend to turn out.

246
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:06,760
Speaker 2: Then it's not usually to their benefit at all. But

247
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:10,199
Speaker 2: we also know what happens when a parent, particularly a mum,

248
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:16,240
Speaker 2: sacrifices everything for the child. She becomes exhausted and burnout

249
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:20,160
Speaker 2: and stressed and can't actually give. It's like that whole

250
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:24,600
Speaker 2: thing you can't fill from an empty bucket, an empty tank,

251
00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:27,480
Speaker 2: whatever it is. I can't remember the metaphor.

252
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,000
Speaker 3: I had a jug in my head.

253
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:35,240
Speaker 2: I've got a cup jug whatever it is, it's a cup. Yeah, okay,

254
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,520
Speaker 2: So that's the first one. And I don't know that.

255
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,559
Speaker 2: There's a whole lot more that we need to emphasize

256
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,280
Speaker 2: there other than that, if you're a parent, there's got

257
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,559
Speaker 2: to be some way for you to be able to

258
00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:44,839
Speaker 2: look after yourself. And when I say look after yourself,

259
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,560
Speaker 2: that doesn't mean vegging out in front of Netflix until

260
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,240
Speaker 2: all hours of the night because you need some peace

261
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,080
Speaker 2: and quiet and you just want to go brain dead,

262
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,040
Speaker 2: get some sleep instead. That's better looking after yourself than

263
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:54,960
Speaker 2: staring at Netflix.

264
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,560
Speaker 3: For me, that the best thing that I have done

265
00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:02,000
Speaker 3: to take care of myself is actually giving myself a

266
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:07,640
Speaker 3: small amount of time where I can actually have space,

267
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,120
Speaker 3: like literally just space.

268
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:13,319
Speaker 2: Go for a walk, yep, so that I outside.

269
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:17,080
Speaker 3: Outside, I'm in nature, and I just have the capacity

270
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,560
Speaker 3: to have my own thoughts.

271
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,160
Speaker 2: What was the second myth that you wanted to discuss today.

272
00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:24,760
Speaker 3: That being a good parent means putting your kids before

273
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:25,440
Speaker 3: your spouse.

274
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:29,880
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, you're right, Okay, bad idea.

275
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,400
Speaker 3: This is a really tricky one, especially when you've got

276
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:36,959
Speaker 3: young kids, because the reality is there are significant needs

277
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,120
Speaker 3: if you're you know, if you're breastfeeding a baby, or

278
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:44,480
Speaker 3: if you've got a really clinging toddler, or you know,

279
00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:46,600
Speaker 3: as the children get a little bit older, they're not

280
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,600
Speaker 3: old enough to kind of have a sleepover with Grandma yette,

281
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,199
Speaker 3: but you know, you still want to be able to

282
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,079
Speaker 3: spend time. And then on top of all of that,

283
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:57,720
Speaker 3: as a parent, you're exhausted, and so making time for

284
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,400
Speaker 3: each other can be really really challenging. And I remember

285
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:04,840
Speaker 3: in our early years of marriage, we were just so

286
00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:09,080
Speaker 3: besotted with each other and while we didn't have the

287
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,439
Speaker 3: capacity to kind of go on dates and stuff, we

288
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:16,200
Speaker 3: actually didn't see a real need for it because we

289
00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:20,000
Speaker 3: just lapped up anytime we got together. Even though it

290
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:20,920
Speaker 3: was very limited.

291
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,560
Speaker 2: I'm going to put this out there and say it

292
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,640
Speaker 2: really bluntly, and I know that this may mean that

293
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,280
Speaker 2: I'm treating on some people's toes, so I want to

294
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,840
Speaker 2: say it as sensitively as I can while still being

295
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,600
Speaker 2: kind of really direct and blunt. And that is that

296
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,320
Speaker 2: without a strong marriage and loving home, the likelihood of

297
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:42,560
Speaker 2: everybody in the family failing to thrive or struggling goes up. So,

298
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:47,640
Speaker 2: from my perspective and from a research base, looking at

299
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:54,000
Speaker 2: the data, you're putting your children, I think at risk.

300
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,040
Speaker 2: You're putting a marriage at risk. You're putting everything at

301
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,080
Speaker 2: risk if your spouse is not or your partner is

302
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:02,160
Speaker 2: not your number one. In fact, just the other day

303
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,920
Speaker 2: I was sitting in the living room tapping away on

304
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,000
Speaker 2: the computer doing some work, and Emily came in and said, Dad,

305
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:13,440
Speaker 2: do you love Mum more than me? And I looked

306
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,240
Speaker 2: at her and I said, Emily, I love you so

307
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,240
Speaker 2: very much, but Mummy always comes first. Mummy matters more

308
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:23,640
Speaker 2: than any of you kids, because Mummy's my wife, and

309
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,680
Speaker 2: I love you and I'll do anything for you, but

310
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,360
Speaker 2: Mum gets my hugs first. And she kind of looked

311
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:32,000
Speaker 2: at me and said okay, Like she was totally fine

312
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,120
Speaker 2: with it. She wasn't upset by it, she wasn't offended

313
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,200
Speaker 2: by it. In some ways, I think she was reassured.

314
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,360
Speaker 2: The foundation on which our family rests is you and I.

315
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,280
Speaker 2: It's not your relationship with the kids, on my relationship

316
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:43,840
Speaker 2: with the kids.

317
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,640
Speaker 3: I wonder if she had that conversation with you, because

318
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,560
Speaker 3: the other night when I went to pick you up

319
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,800
Speaker 3: from the airport after you've been away, the kids volunteered.

320
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,480
Speaker 3: There's two drivers in the house and they both volunteered,

321
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,280
Speaker 3: and they said, I'll go get dad and I said no,

322
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,760
Speaker 3: I said I'll go get him, and they kind of

323
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,040
Speaker 3: look me and they weren't, yeah, because you're his favorite.

324
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,520
Speaker 3: And I wonder if she's kind of just been mulling over.

325
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:09,760
Speaker 2: That mee and wanted to know. Yeah. There there's a

326
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:13,160
Speaker 2: really strong cultural bias, I think, towards favoring and prioritizing

327
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,640
Speaker 2: the needs of children over parents. But whether it's going

328
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,160
Speaker 2: on a date night or just giving the kids the

329
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,880
Speaker 2: remote control on of the TV and saying you can

330
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,360
Speaker 2: watch a movie for the next hour and a half,

331
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,920
Speaker 2: we're having some time together in the bedroom. We don't

332
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,680
Speaker 2: have to tell them why we're having some time together

333
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,120
Speaker 2: in the bedroom. We just have some time together in

334
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,640
Speaker 2: the bedroom. Give them the remote, and I'm just saying

335
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,400
Speaker 2: that's what you and I do. I'm just suggesting that

336
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,600
Speaker 2: people could do that. I don't want to go sharing

337
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,520
Speaker 2: the family secrets or anything, but doing things that demonstrate

338
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:42,720
Speaker 2: that you can prioritize your relationship over and above the

339
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,640
Speaker 2: remainder of the family relationships, I think is critically important.

340
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,400
Speaker 2: I haven't seen any evidence anywhere that would make me

341
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:53,040
Speaker 2: question whether that matters or not. So there's two myths

342
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,520
Speaker 2: that I think that we can fairly soundly debunk dispute

343
00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:01,040
Speaker 2: throughout the window. The first one that you should sacrifice

344
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,720
Speaker 2: your own needs for your children. You've got to make

345
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,719
Speaker 2: sure that there's a healthy balance there. Kids do have

346
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,200
Speaker 2: needs and they do need to be met, but you've

347
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,720
Speaker 2: got to make sure that you're well.

348
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:12,159
Speaker 3: The reality is, though I think the I think I

349
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:16,520
Speaker 3: need to debunk that myth. There is never a balance. Yeah, okay,

350
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,199
Speaker 3: you're never going to get the balance right. And the

351
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:22,200
Speaker 3: reality is your kids are going to take the lion share.

352
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:27,280
Speaker 3: That that's family life, true, yep. But as a parent,

353
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:32,000
Speaker 3: finding some time to just feed your soul, whatever that

354
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,240
Speaker 3: looks like, is really important and for different people to

355
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,440
Speaker 3: it'll be different things.

356
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,520
Speaker 2: Okay. And the second myth is that the kids need

357
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:43,520
Speaker 2: to come first. I would argue otherwise, it's about your

358
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,119
Speaker 2: spouse or partner first.

359
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,439
Speaker 3: And again it'll be different for everyone. How you find

360
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:49,320
Speaker 3: time for each other.

361
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,560
Speaker 2: You are my favorite, missus Happy Families, Well your minds okay.

362
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,160
Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

363
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,280
Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Hey, what

364
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,200
Speaker 2: myths are we going to bust tomorrow?

365
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,600
Speaker 3: Well, we're going to look at why we shouldn't be

366
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,880
Speaker 3: friends with our kids. And you can tell a good

367
00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:06,800
Speaker 3: parent by how good their kids are.

368
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,719
Speaker 2: Great stuff can't wait tomorrow on the Happy Families podcast.

369
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,160
Speaker 2: Please join us there if you'd like more information about

370
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,640
Speaker 2: the stuff we're talking about, visitors at happyfamilies dot com.

371
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:22,200
Speaker 2: Do you