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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers, now you won't.

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Speaker 2: Had to look at the machine and saw that I'd

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Speaker 2: effectively put about two and a half to three loads

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Speaker 2: worth of washing in and done it all in one load.

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Speaker 2: And you were like, if you put too much in,

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Speaker 2: you get a crappy result.

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Speaker 3: And that's sometimes what our lives feel like.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. This is

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Speaker 2: doctor Justin Colson here with Kylie, my wife and mum

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Speaker 2: to our six kids. I'm the parenting expert on the

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Speaker 2: just finished season two of Parental Guidance, the hit TV

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Speaker 2: show on Channel nine. That I did great stuff in

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Speaker 2: the ratings. People loved it, and you were just saying

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Speaker 2: to me off air that everyone you talk to is

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Speaker 2: making judgments about different parents. Everyone says, oh, I couldn't

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Speaker 2: do a show like that, so judgy. The people on

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Speaker 2: the show aren't that judging, but everyone off the show

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Speaker 2: is pretty judging. Let me just say the things people

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Speaker 2: say off air about what's happening on the show is

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Speaker 2: just enormous. Getting my legs waxed on Tuesday. I don't

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Speaker 2: know if I just overshared. Did I just share too much?

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Speaker 3: Maybe I think I want to Okay, so just said

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Speaker 3: you were on the table, on the table.

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Speaker 2: I was on the leg waxing table. Okay, on the

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Speaker 2: massage table. And for those of you who are now

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Speaker 2: wondering what on earth you're listening to, this is The

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Speaker 2: Happy Family's podcast. I am justin. I'm a cyclist, and

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Speaker 2: for the last hell of a long I've removed hair

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Speaker 2: from my.

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Speaker 3: Legs because let's just be very clear. You do not

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Speaker 3: wax your legs because you're a cyclist.

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Speaker 2: I do. I wouldn't do it if I wasn't a cyclist. Really, yes, yes,

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Speaker 2: cyclists remove the heir for the legs. Actually, I don't

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Speaker 2: wax my legs Because'm a cyclist. I would shave my

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Speaker 2: legs because I'm a cyclist, but you won't let me

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Speaker 2: shave them because you find spiky legs uncomfortable in bed,

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Speaker 2: and you've told me that I'm not allowed to shave

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Speaker 2: my legs, which it leaves me with no. Let's let's

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Speaker 2: have we gone too far? Have I just? I have

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Speaker 2: not gone anywhere? Right? Well, I'm trying to. I'm just

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Speaker 2: trying to explain. Now, why am I telling you about

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Speaker 2: the waxing table. Oh, that's right, because my my what

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Speaker 2: would I call her my waxer? Your beautician is actually no,

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Speaker 2: I can't. I can't. I don't have a beautician. That's

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Speaker 2: sending all the wrong messages. I feel worse saying that

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Speaker 2: than saying that I got waxed. The woman who is

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Speaker 2: doing my leg waxing because I'm a cyclist and because

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Speaker 2: you won't let me shave my legs. He nam's Jemma,

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Speaker 2: you're a beauty technician. She doesn't have kids. She's like,

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Speaker 2: I'm in a mid forties, doesn't have any kids, and

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Speaker 2: she's hooked on the show. And she's like, I don't

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Speaker 2: even know that, Like this show came on and I'm like,

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Speaker 2: I wax that guy. I like that guy. And then

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Speaker 2: she just starts telling me all about the show and

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Speaker 2: how she feels about this couple and that couple in

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Speaker 2: this family and that family. I'm like, man, people have

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Speaker 2: got strong opinions about this show, even when they don't

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Speaker 2: have kids. It's just so much funny, so much funny,

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Speaker 2: so much fun anyway, Kylie, today is the day that

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Speaker 2: we do, I'll do better tomorrow. It's the day where

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Speaker 2: we step into the oh gosh, how are we going

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Speaker 2: as parents? What can we do better? What do we

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Speaker 2: need to do differently? Before we do that? Though, I

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Speaker 2: want to share an email. Every now and again we

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Speaker 2: get nice things set about it. Sometimes sometimes we get

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Speaker 2: not nice things set us well, but every now and

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Speaker 2: again we get nice things said about us, and I

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Speaker 2: kind of feel like the podcast is the place to

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Speaker 2: share that. So I want to share an email that

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Speaker 2: came through to podcasts at Happy families dot com dot

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Speaker 2: au from Shan who said, on Saturday we met. So

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Speaker 2: this was a couple of weeks ago. On Saturday we

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Speaker 2: met at the Resilient Kids Conference in Brisbane. I should

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Speaker 2: also mention we've got one coming up in Adelaide and

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Speaker 2: one coming up in Melbourne, so please visit. Just google

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Speaker 2: Resilient Kids Conference and you'll find what you need. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: Sean just said, I'm an OG listener of the podcast

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Speaker 2: and I've listened to every episode.

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Speaker 3: I know what OG means now, Yeah, it's original.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, look at you. I feel like I need to

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Speaker 2: high five you across the table. I'm an OG listener

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Speaker 2: and have listened to every episode through the various formats,

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Speaker 2: and by the way, the current format is the best

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Speaker 2: by far. We love hearing Kylie's beliefs, opinions and experiences.

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Speaker 2: What is it with you? Everyone just loves you. Everyone

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Speaker 2: like the podcast is better with you along.

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Speaker 3: They're not saying it wasn't great before, They're just acknowledging

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Speaker 3: they'd like to hear anyway.

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Speaker 2: Shanna said this beautiful email through and said a whole

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Speaker 2: lot of really nice things. They've got a daughter who

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Speaker 2: is very, very unwell. She spent a lot of time

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Speaker 2: in hospital, and Chance said, you and Kylie have been

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Speaker 2: a reassuring voice through our hospital stays as we listen

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Speaker 2: intently to your justinisms and messages. A lot of families

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Speaker 2: would crumple under the circumstances we've been dealt, but we're

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Speaker 2: stronger than ever. You've been part of that, and we

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Speaker 2: I'm going to get it weepy and we want to

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Speaker 2: say thank you. So I just wanted to acknowledge shannz

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Speaker 2: email because it was beautiful and it made me weepy.

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Speaker 2: It made me so grateful for the work that we're

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Speaker 2: able to do. And I mean, this podcast is a

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Speaker 2: lot of fun, but there's a really serious side to it,

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Speaker 2: and that is we want to help families to be happier.

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Speaker 2: I've also got to mention the podcast wouldn't exist were

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Speaker 2: it not for our Happy Families members. Our Happy Families

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Speaker 2: members provide us with the resources to do all of

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Speaker 2: the work that we do. Now. I know that there's

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Speaker 2: a little bit of advertising on the podcast, but it

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Speaker 2: doesn't come close to covering it needs to to allow

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Speaker 2: us to help people. And so if you're not a

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Speaker 2: Happy Families member, can I encourage you to have a

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Speaker 2: look at what that membership is. It's very very cheap,

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Speaker 2: extremely affordable, and it helps every family. It allows us

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Speaker 2: to provide premium resources to the people who are paying

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Speaker 2: for the membership, as well as all of the free

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Speaker 2: resources that people get. So I just wanted to put

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Speaker 2: in a plug for that also, So thank you so

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Speaker 2: much to shann because that was such a wonderful, beautiful

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Speaker 2: email and I appreciate it so much. All Right, Kylie,

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Speaker 2: let's dive into it today. You're going to share your

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Speaker 2: old do better tomorrow based on what's happened this past week,

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Speaker 2: what's worked, what hasn't, how's your parenting been intentional or

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Speaker 2: not over the last week or so.

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Speaker 3: So it's funny how no matter how many times we

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Speaker 3: go through this, we constantly have to reassess where we're

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Speaker 3: at and what things are going well and what things

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Speaker 3: are not. And the times will we actually take that

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Speaker 3: assessment to heart we see the greatest growth. Yes, And

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Speaker 3: so recently we've kind of as a couple acknowledged that

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Speaker 3: there's things in the home that we could really work

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Speaker 3: on well. And one of them we didn't actually use

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Speaker 3: these words, but in hindsight, as I've looked back, it's

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Speaker 3: about creating margin in our lives. And Sunday comes around

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Speaker 3: every week, and every week we're rushed out the door

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Speaker 3: as we head off to church. So church starts at

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Speaker 3: twelve noon, Right, we have an entire morning with no

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Speaker 3: other requirements. There's nothing in our way, there's nothing stopping

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Speaker 3: us from getting ready in a timely fashion. But I

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Speaker 3: think there's a bit of a false sense of security

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Speaker 3: because we have so much time. And so we sat

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Speaker 3: down with the kids and I just said, all right,

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Speaker 3: things need to change. I really don't like the stress

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Speaker 3: of Sundays when we're kind of all racing out the

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Speaker 3: door and somebody's sitting in the car kind of saying,

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Speaker 3: I've been waiting for ages and it just gets really hectic.

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Speaker 3: And so this time round, I said, right, we're actually

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Speaker 3: going to have our family meeting a little bit later.

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Speaker 3: We're going to do it at ten, so by ten

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Speaker 3: o'clock you need to be ready for church. So you've

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Speaker 3: got all morning to do it. We've got teenage girls

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Speaker 3: in the house, so we've got, you know, the straighteners

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Speaker 3: out and the curlers going, and the hair dryer, and

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Speaker 3: now we've got makeup and eyelash curlers and all kinds

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Speaker 3: of things happening ridiculously, and the nine year are wanting

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Speaker 3: to get involved in it all and changing outfits one

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Speaker 3: hundred times, and so it just kind of turns into

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Speaker 3: this really big affair. But what was so beautiful this

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Speaker 3: week watching it happen. They actually kind of took it

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Speaker 3: on board, and they spent the morning together getting ready.

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Speaker 3: They had the nineteen year old helping out with their

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Speaker 3: hair and makeup, and it was just there was such

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Speaker 3: a different feel in the house, like so different. It

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Speaker 3: was just really peaceful, really unifying, and just it just

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Speaker 3: felt great to be there and it just reminded me

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Speaker 3: how important it is. We can kind of, you know,

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Speaker 3: jam pack our days, but we're on the go all

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Speaker 3: the time, and when we don't have margin, it's really

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Speaker 3: easy for emotions to become fraid and for you know,

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Speaker 3: kind of things to kind of get out of hand. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: and so what I loved about Sunday was just that

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Speaker 3: because I created the margin for everybody, it meant that

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Speaker 3: we were able to have this day that just felt great.

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Speaker 2: I feel like you've taken a leaf out of the

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Speaker 2: Chris and Philippa Slow Parenting parental guidance book.

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Speaker 3: It felt great, Slow Parenting.

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Speaker 2: I love it. So that's your win. You take her

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Speaker 2: message is margin.

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Speaker 3: Create margin. It's we've got the routine. We know that

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Speaker 3: we leave the house at eleven thirty every Sunday. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: that's kind of the end product. But filling in the

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Speaker 3: gap between wake up time and eleven thirty has meant

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Speaker 3: that we've created a system that actually works.

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Speaker 2: I want to share a quick story that I've shared

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Speaker 2: a few times before, maybe even on the podcast, but

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Speaker 2: I think it's really relevant here and it kind of

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Speaker 2: I guess it just really underscores the point that you're making.

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Speaker 2: You'll remember this story well many years ago, when I

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Speaker 2: think we were expecting our third child, Ella, who is

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Speaker 2: now nineteen, I decided that I was going to be

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Speaker 2: super helpful around the house. I knew that you weren't

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Speaker 2: feeling great. I think you were laying down and having

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Speaker 2: a rest. I saw there was a whole lot of

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Speaker 2: washing that needed to be done, and so, being the

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Speaker 2: sensitive load sharing guy that I am, I just knew

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Speaker 2: that it needed to be done, and I didn't check

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Speaker 2: with you. I just went into the laundry and I

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Speaker 2: sought it out. The pinks, because we already had two daughters.

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Speaker 2: I saw the pinks from the whites, from the darks,

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Speaker 2: and the dark spile was the biggest one by far.

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Speaker 2: So I checked everything in the machine, and once I'd

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Speaker 2: gotten everything in that I could get, I sort of

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Speaker 2: squished it down tighter and tighter and got all the

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Speaker 2: rest of the washing in the machine as well. We

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Speaker 2: had a seven and a half kilow fisher and pigle.

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Speaker 2: I thought I can get seven and a half killo's

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Speaker 2: worth of dry washing in here, and I just jammed

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Speaker 2: everything in and I put the powder in. I put

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Speaker 2: a bit of extra powder in because I knew that

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Speaker 2: it was a very, very full load, and when I

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Speaker 2: turned the machine on, it made a whole lot of

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Speaker 2: noises and it got going. It was really noisy on

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Speaker 2: the spin cycle. And when I went to hang the

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Speaker 2: washing out, I bought it out of the machine and

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Speaker 2: it was dirtier pulling it out then it been when

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Speaker 2: I put it in. And I'm sure that you recall

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Speaker 2: this part very well. I was in the dining room

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Speaker 2: browsing the Harvy Norman catalog looking at white Goods, thinking

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Speaker 2: we needed a new washing machine, and you asked me

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Speaker 2: what I was doing. I explained why, and you went

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Speaker 2: have to look at the machine and saw that I'd

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Speaker 2: effectively put about two and a half to three loads

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Speaker 2: worth of washing in and done it all in one load.

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Speaker 2: And you were like, if you put too much in

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Speaker 2: and you get a crappy result.

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Speaker 3: And that's sometimes what our lives feel like.

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Speaker 2: Totally. And what you did on Sunday, which is so

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Speaker 2: foreign to me because I'm all about cramming it in Sunday,

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Speaker 2: just felt beautiful. It really did.

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Speaker 3: It was kind of one of those golden moments. It

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Speaker 3: was almost perfect.

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Speaker 2: Well that ties in with my older better tomorrow, let

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Speaker 2: me tell you. What I learned about parenting this week

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Speaker 2: because of you. My older better Tomorrow has two components

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Speaker 2: to it. One of them is something that happened last Saturday.

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Speaker 2: But I'm going to get to that in a sec.

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Speaker 2: Before that, I want to talk about this same family meeting.

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Speaker 2: See when you told me that you didn't want to

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Speaker 2: have the family meeting until ten and everyone just needed

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Speaker 2: to be dressed and ready by ten so we could

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Speaker 2: have the meeting and then have it by tweet and leave. Didn't.

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Speaker 2: I just didn't think anything of it. I was like, Okay, whatever,

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Speaker 2: that's what we're doing. But because you did that, all

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Speaker 2: of a sudden, that freed me up to have a

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Speaker 2: quiet morning, and I did. I just had the most

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Speaker 2: beautiful Sunday morning that I can remember having in in

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Speaker 2: the longest time. I loved Sunday morning. Then we had

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Speaker 2: our meeting. Everyone ate, and as part of that meeting,

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Speaker 2: we did what we always do. Anyone who is a

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Speaker 2: Happy Family's newsletter subscriber knows that we send out a

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Speaker 2: weekly pop in email where we talk about what's worked

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Speaker 2: and what hasn't worked, and what's coming up. That's what

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Speaker 2: our weekly newsletter is all about. What's working, what's not

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Speaker 2: and what's coming up, And our family meetings have a

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Speaker 2: similar format, what's worked, what hasn't, and what are we

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Speaker 2: going to work on this week? We talked about what

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Speaker 2: has been good and what hasn't been so good, and

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Speaker 2: when we got to the what hasn't been so good,

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Speaker 2: the kids identified that we just haven't been well. We've

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Speaker 2: been pretty tense and there's been a lot of snarkiness

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Speaker 2: and unkindness, and so when we talked about what we

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Speaker 2: should work on this week, we only ever pick one thing.

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Speaker 2: And usually this is the hard thing for me, Kylie.

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Speaker 2: Usually we have this conversation, but nothing actually changes. We're

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Speaker 2: not very good at being accountable and keeping the kids

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Speaker 2: accountable because we're so done busy, and we have the meeting,

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Speaker 2: we talk about our good intentions and then we just

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Speaker 2: totally forget about it because we've got so much to do.

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Speaker 2: But this time the kids all agreed that we need

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Speaker 2: to be nicer to each other. It wasn't us saying

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Speaker 2: it, it was them, And I was like, Okay, this is

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Speaker 2: a good start. And then I remember this incident that

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Speaker 2: had happened just a couple of days before, and I

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Speaker 2: shared it with the kids. Somebody had done something they

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Speaker 2: shouldn't have done. They'd made a really big mess. It

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Speaker 2: was somebody external of the family. It was somebody outside

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Speaker 2: of our home situation, and that person had a level

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Speaker 2: of accountability to me. So I went to them and

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Speaker 2: I told them that I wasn't happy about it at all.

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Speaker 2: And instead of them trying to defend themselves, instead of

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Speaker 2: them trying to make up excuses, instead of all that stuff,

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Speaker 2: they just said, you know what, you're right, you're right.

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Speaker 2: And when they said you're right to me without arguing that,

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Speaker 2: when they just owned it, when they took responsibility, I

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Speaker 2: was completely disarmed, Like I was ready for deflated. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I was ready for little confrontation.

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Speaker 3: Well of that build up, you had your speech ready

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Speaker 3: to you that's right, and they took all the air

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Speaker 3: out of my speech and I just thought.

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Speaker 2: So I shared that with the kids, and I said,

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Speaker 2: maybe maybe it's this week if somebody is critical of you,

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Speaker 2: or if things aren't going well, or if somebody reminds

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Speaker 2: you to do something that you haven't done that you

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Speaker 2: should have done, instead of being defensive, instead of arguing,

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Speaker 2: maybe we can just work on those two words. Now

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Speaker 2: I know that this is not the solution to every conflict.

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Speaker 2: In fact, sometimes we do need to fight back.

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Speaker 3: Well, I'm just going to stop you there, because you

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Speaker 3: said if somebody is being unkind to you, that you

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Speaker 3: say you're right, and we weren't encouraging that kind of behavior.

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Speaker 3: This is more about it's really about showing a level

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Speaker 3: of humility when you recognize.

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Speaker 2: That you've got it wrong.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what this is about, not about just acquiescing

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Speaker 3: to everything that happens.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, we're not teaching our children to be people pleasers

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Speaker 2: or to roll over and accept any criticism that comes

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Speaker 2: their way. So context is important here.

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Speaker 3: Because what happens more times than not is somebody gets

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Speaker 3: we get defensive, right, and that's what we're trying to deflate, because.

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Speaker 2: You're right anyway. But the beautiful thing was we'd had

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Speaker 2: this really calm morning, which fed into a really calm

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Speaker 2: family meeting, which only took about fifteen minutes, which led

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Speaker 2: into this ongoing joke for the rest of the day

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Speaker 2: and for much of the week. Those two words you're right,

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Speaker 2: We've heard them hundreds of times, and there's been so

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Speaker 2: much levity and so much fun. There's been so much

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Speaker 2: joy in our family around people, it's going you're right.

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Speaker 3: Except for our fifteen year old. She's got a one liner.

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Speaker 2: Back, which is I know I'm wrong. Oh that's right, ye,

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Speaker 2: And that's where the lebty come from.

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Speaker 3: More than anything, she just goes yep, I know I'm right.

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Speaker 2: So I just what I wanted to highlight is that

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Speaker 2: these meetings are important, but they don't always work. But

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Speaker 2: with the right mindset, with the right margin, and with

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Speaker 2: that level of humor and playfulness, all of a sudden

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Speaker 2: you can really move the needle. And this week, I

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Speaker 2: have to be honest, I didn't say this in last week,

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Speaker 2: So I'll do better tomorrow because I had a reasonably

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Speaker 2: decent story to tell. But like a day after we

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Speaker 2: recorded that, I was ready to quit parenting. We had

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Speaker 2: two or three really hard days and I was just like,

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Speaker 2: oh my goodness, I am I'm back to that point

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Speaker 2: where I'm done with this. I'm over it. And then

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Speaker 2: on Sunday we just had this great meeting and nailed it.

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Speaker 2: So that's my old who better tomorrow have the meeting,

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Speaker 2: talk about what went well, what didn't, and the one

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Speaker 2: thing we're going to work on this week, and then

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Speaker 2: work out how how you're going to implement it and

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Speaker 2: watch what happens and while you.

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Speaker 3: Do that, create margins down all right, I need to

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Speaker 3: share one more thing that has been an absolute highlight.

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Speaker 2: It kind of sits aside adjacent to our old do

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Speaker 2: Better Tomorrow, but I've just got to mention it. On

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Speaker 2: Saturday last week, I was scheduled to speak at the

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Speaker 2: Star Casino on the Gold Coast at the Australian Childcare

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Speaker 2: Alliance and Your conference. This thing is huge. There's like

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Speaker 2: fifteen hundred people in the audience in the Grand ballroom.

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Speaker 2: It's massive. The lights and the stage and the audience

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Speaker 2: and the energy, it's just fabulous. You and I spoke

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Speaker 2: to the kids and things weren't good on Friday, and

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Speaker 2: you almost said I'm not going, But at the last

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Speaker 2: minute the kids came to us and said we promised

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Speaker 2: will be good, and they all worked out of way

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Speaker 2: that they could make things work. So you came with me,

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Speaker 2: and the kids looked after themselves. They're all old enough

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Speaker 2: to have done that and have appropriate supervision. But you

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Speaker 2: came with me to the Gold Coast. We got to

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Speaker 2: have a night away and on Saturday morning I stood

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Speaker 2: up as the opening keynote speaker for fifteen hundred people

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Speaker 2: at the Austraian Childcare Alliance Conference for a sixty minute

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Speaker 2: introductory conversation about attitude and having a great attitude about life?

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Speaker 2: Are you an energy vampire or are you a positive energy?

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Speaker 2: Were two thirds of the way through the talk, and

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Speaker 2: I remembered a story that was not the story that

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Speaker 2: I would normally tell at that point of that talk,

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Speaker 2: but you were in the audience and it's a story

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Speaker 2: that's really your story. And so without giving you any

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Speaker 2: notice at all, I said, Kylie, why don't you come

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Speaker 2: up on stage in front of this fifteen hundred people

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Speaker 2: and tell this story? And what did you do?

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Speaker 3: I put on my big brave face, pulled up your

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Speaker 3: big girl friends, and I walked up onto that stage with.

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Speaker 2: You, and I handed to the microphone, I walked away,

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Speaker 2: and you spoke for what five six seven minutes? You

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Speaker 2: made everybody in the audience cry with your beautiful story,

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Speaker 2: got a huge round of applause, and then went and

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Speaker 2: sat down. And I just wanted to mention that, Okay,

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Speaker 2: so I give a pretty good keynote, but when I

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Speaker 2: get to give a keynote with you, even if it

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Speaker 2: is unscripted and unplanned, and it just happens. Oh my goodness,

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Speaker 2: you were so you were so good, you were so brave.

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Speaker 2: And again, this is why everyone loves you on podcast,

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Speaker 2: because you just nail it every single time. So there's

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Speaker 2: no I'll do better tomorrow. There, I just want to

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Speaker 2: acknowledge how great you are.

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Speaker 3: Don't get a big head, but it was actually the

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Speaker 3: highlight of my week watching you on stage. It's really

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Speaker 3: hard sometimes being the stay at home mum who watches

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Speaker 3: you disappear week after week to do your job. And

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Speaker 3: it's been a really, really long time since I've had

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Speaker 3: the opportunity to actually sit in the audience and watch you,

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Speaker 3: and it just reminded me of how gifted you are.

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Speaker 3: You're so gifted at what you do, your ability to

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Speaker 3: remember details for starters, but it's not even the details,

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Speaker 3: it's the passion. There is just so much passion and

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Speaker 3: desire within you to bless other people's lives because you

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Speaker 3: recognize and know that the message that you share is

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Speaker 3: so important. And so for me sitting there being rekindled

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Speaker 3: with all of the emotion that comes with watching somebody

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Speaker 3: who just loves their job and believes in it so

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Speaker 3: much helps me let you go a little bit easier.

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Speaker 3: So it was an absolute highlight and a privilege to

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Speaker 3: be able to sit there and watch it.

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Speaker 2: Well. I loved having on the stage with me. I

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Speaker 2: can't let this opportunity to go. I wasn't thinking of this,

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Speaker 2: but you've just said that. So when you get an

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Speaker 2: endorsement like that, you have to let people know that

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Speaker 2: if they're interested in having me come and speak, that

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Speaker 2: can send us an email. Just contact Caroline at Happy

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Speaker 2: families dot com. Dot you that's Caroline at happy families

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Speaker 2: dot com. Do you for schools, for corporates or conferences, wellbeing, empathy, relationships, family,

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Speaker 2: all that sort of stuff. Anyway, that's our old do

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Speaker 2: better tomorrow for today. We really hope that you've enjoyed

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Speaker 2: the Happy Families podcast and that you have a wonderful,

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Speaker 2: wonderful weekend with your family, creating margin and having a

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Speaker 2: whole lot of fun. The Happy Family's podcast is produced

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Speaker 2: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our

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Speaker 2: executive producer. For more about making your family happier, or

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Speaker 2: to support the work that we do and make your

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Speaker 2: own family happier, check out our Happy Families memberships at

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Speaker 2: happy families dot com dot a