1 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:07,320 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast. Hello and welcome. My 2 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:10,680 Speaker 1: name is doctor Justin Coulson, and this is the podcast 3 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:14,560 Speaker 1: that's dedicated to making your family happier. So let me 4 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,360 Speaker 1: ask you a quick question. Are you a person who 5 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:20,079 Speaker 1: gets caught up in the pursuit of perfection? You want 6 00:00:20,079 --> 00:00:24,919 Speaker 1: perfectly behave kids, a perfectly tidy house, and a perfectly 7 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: responsive spouse. Maybe you're the kind of person who gets critical, 8 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:33,000 Speaker 1: wants everything to be right, and when it's not right, 9 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:34,880 Speaker 1: you get a little bit annoyed, a little bit frustrated, 10 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:38,080 Speaker 1: and say a few things that aren't necessarily helpful. Or 11 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:42,120 Speaker 1: perhaps maybe you just find that the challenges of life 12 00:00:42,159 --> 00:00:45,360 Speaker 1: get you down. Well, the answer to these and a 13 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,920 Speaker 1: range of other problems that we face in family life 14 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:52,080 Speaker 1: may be gratitude. Whether it's the kids getting whiny, the 15 00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:54,200 Speaker 1: kids saying that they hate their siblings, they hate their teacher, 16 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,560 Speaker 1: they hate their friends, they hate that you won't give 17 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,480 Speaker 1: them what they want when they want it, Well, the 18 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: answer to all of these issues may be gratitude. Today's 19 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,319 Speaker 1: podcast is about gratitude. I'll tell you why it matters 20 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:08,160 Speaker 1: and how it can help in just a minute. 21 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,679 Speaker 2: Have you been wanting to attend one of doctor Justin 22 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:15,000 Speaker 2: Coulson's parenting workshops that so far your schedules simply haven't aligned. 23 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,319 Speaker 2: Then let him come to you. You can have one 24 00:01:18,319 --> 00:01:23,160 Speaker 2: of Australia's most respected parenting experts in your loundroom. Learn 25 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,399 Speaker 2: how to build a strong connection with your children, how 26 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,120 Speaker 2: to really understand them, and how to discipline them in 27 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,880 Speaker 2: ways that teach and that everyone can feel good about. 28 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,480 Speaker 2: Plus you'll have all of your parenting questions answered without 29 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 2: even leaving your loundroom. Organize some friends and enjoy an intimate, 30 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,520 Speaker 2: thought provoking, fun evening in with a parenting expert in 31 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:45,959 Speaker 2: your loundroom. Visit happyfamilies dot com dot au slash loundroom 32 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:50,040 Speaker 2: for more information, or email Kylie at happyfamilies dot com 33 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:50,480 Speaker 2: dot you. 34 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,639 Speaker 1: For several years, in our family, we have spent time 35 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:57,680 Speaker 1: during our evening meal discussing gratitude. I'll start off the 36 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,320 Speaker 1: conversation normally by saying to one of the children, so, 37 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 1: what were you grateful for today? Tell us about it now. 38 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 1: Every now and again, I'm a bit preoccupied. I'm too tired, 39 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,680 Speaker 1: or I'm stressed or dealing with other things, or perhaps 40 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 1: I'm just not in the gratitude sort of frame of mind, 41 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 1: and one of the children invariably will dive in, well 42 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,840 Speaker 1: that hasn't said it, it's my turn. And so usually 43 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,960 Speaker 1: our five year old or our six year old, or 44 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 1: one of the younger kids will say to one of 45 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,280 Speaker 1: their siblings, so what were you grateful for today? And 46 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: they'll start the conversation off. Gratitude is one of our 47 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,079 Speaker 1: family's principles. We've decided that our family is a grateful family, 48 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,519 Speaker 1: and so gratitude gets a lot of airtime at our place. 49 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 1: Let me tell you a little bit about why. A 50 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 1: two thousand and eight study of two hundred and twenty 51 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:46,640 Speaker 1: one children compared the life satisfaction and school outlook that 52 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,640 Speaker 1: sixth and seventh grade has had. They were randomly assigned 53 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:52,919 Speaker 1: to one of three different conditions. They were assigned to 54 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,160 Speaker 1: list five things that they were grateful for every day, 55 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,760 Speaker 1: or five daily hassles, or just five things that happened 56 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:03,079 Speaker 1: during the day, and they made their lists for two weeks. Well, 57 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:07,160 Speaker 1: what were the results. The grateful group ended up showing 58 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 1: that they were much more satisfied with life and they 59 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:13,680 Speaker 1: were significantly more positive in their school outlook. Gratitude seemed 60 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,200 Speaker 1: to be related to much better outcomes in life for 61 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,760 Speaker 1: these kids in grade six and seven. A twenty ten 62 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 1: study of over one thousand students found that high levels 63 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 1: of gratitude were related to high academic achievement. Also, high 64 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 1: levels of gratitude were related to reduced depression symptoms, less envy, 65 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 1: and higher levels of positivity. In fact, since the late 66 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:41,360 Speaker 1: nineteen nineties, there have been dozens of studies and they've 67 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 1: demonstrated pretty clearly that gratitude makes us and it makes 68 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:47,400 Speaker 1: our kids much happier. It makes us more satisfied with life, 69 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: it makes us better off in our relationships. Gratitude is 70 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,200 Speaker 1: actually also related to being healthier. People who are grateful 71 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 1: and more likely to exercise, believe it or not, and 72 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,360 Speaker 1: they're also more productive and they do better at school 73 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:03,520 Speaker 1: and at work. So gratitude seems to lead to better 74 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:06,839 Speaker 1: life outcomes and more happiness. But is it that gratitude 75 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 1: is giving us better things in life or is it 76 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:13,600 Speaker 1: that people who are happy and successful are more grateful 77 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,839 Speaker 1: and that includes children by the way, Well, the answer 78 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 1: is both. It's actually a relationship that works both ways. 79 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:26,120 Speaker 1: People who are grateful are happier, and people who are happier, 80 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 1: are more grateful. It's really hard, when you think about it, 81 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: to be grateful and also feel miserable. They can't occupy 82 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 1: the same space. You can't be sad and feeling like 83 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:39,680 Speaker 1: the world is on your shoulders and also feel tremendously 84 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,640 Speaker 1: grateful for all that you have. And it's also really 85 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:47,000 Speaker 1: hard to be genuinely happy without feeling good about what 86 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,279 Speaker 1: it is that makes you happy. I think it was 87 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,080 Speaker 1: the I think it was the Dalai Lama who said 88 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 1: the secret to happiness is not having what you want, 89 00:04:56,120 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 1: but in wanting what you have. Now, there are a 90 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,960 Speaker 1: few things that get in the way of us being grateful, 91 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,599 Speaker 1: and researchers have tried to uncover what it is that 92 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:10,080 Speaker 1: gets in the way of gratitude, and the answer is, 93 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 1: at least in part, entitlement and materialism. So when I'm 94 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:20,159 Speaker 1: talking about entitlement, I'm talking about that entitlement mentality where 95 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,480 Speaker 1: we just think we deserve things. We don't say thank you, 96 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,919 Speaker 1: we don't appreciate what we have because we think that 97 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 1: we were entitled to it anyway. It's kind of like 98 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,680 Speaker 1: when we look around our home and we see the 99 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,159 Speaker 1: furniture that we have, and we don't feel glad that 100 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,400 Speaker 1: we have a table that we can sit at and 101 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 1: have our evening meal, because well, we deserve that. I 102 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,039 Speaker 1: paid for it. I deserve it. Why should I be 103 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,040 Speaker 1: grateful for it? Somebody who has high levels of gratitude 104 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,800 Speaker 1: is much more likely to say, I'm so grateful that 105 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 1: I have the work that allows me to have purchased 106 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,160 Speaker 1: this table, or I'm so grateful for the kindness of 107 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:59,119 Speaker 1: the parents of my wife or my husband who helped 108 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: us to purchase this really, really wonderful piece of furniture 109 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 1: or whatever it might be that's given it to us. 110 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:09,760 Speaker 1: Entitlement means I deserve it. I'm not grateful for it. 111 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:13,040 Speaker 1: It should have always been mine anyway. And materialism were 112 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: Materialism is when we're focused heavily on just having lots 113 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:18,680 Speaker 1: of things. And it seems that the more materialistic we are, 114 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 1: the more we want things, the less grateful we are 115 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,839 Speaker 1: for the things that we have, And the effects of 116 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:29,840 Speaker 1: both materialism and ingratitude are really important. Let me tell 117 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 1: you about one study just quickly. Some teenagers who were 118 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,520 Speaker 1: surveyed who believe that success and happiness comes from buying 119 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 1: and owning things. That is, they were more materialistic. Those 120 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 1: materialistic teens were found to end up with lower school results, 121 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:52,360 Speaker 1: lower GPAs, more depression, and a more negative outlook on life. 122 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:56,600 Speaker 1: They also had lower quality relationships. Their relationships were poorer 123 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 1: out just from being a little bit more material feeling 124 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:05,000 Speaker 1: a little bit more entitled. So if we want to 125 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,240 Speaker 1: grow gratitude and stamp out in gratitude in our home, 126 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:10,840 Speaker 1: what are we supposed to do? There are a lot 127 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,360 Speaker 1: of different ways that we can promote gratitude. Here are 128 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,600 Speaker 1: a handful of ideas to get you started. First of all, 129 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,520 Speaker 1: the best thing that we can do is to model gratitude. 130 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,640 Speaker 1: It's really as simple as monkey see, monkey do. 131 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 2: Now. 132 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,560 Speaker 1: I'm not calling you kids monkeys. I'm just saying when 133 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,360 Speaker 1: they see what you do, they will mirror it. If 134 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,480 Speaker 1: you're not grateful, if you're not expressing gratitude, if you're 135 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,960 Speaker 1: not saying thank you to the people around you, maybe 136 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,680 Speaker 1: even your children themselves, they're not going to say thank 137 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,320 Speaker 1: you either. So look for opportunities to say thank you. 138 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:44,160 Speaker 1: Be an example, and may I also suggest pay particular 139 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:49,520 Speaker 1: attention to what your children do that you appreciate and 140 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,920 Speaker 1: tell them. Don't say good girl, or you're super you're 141 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 1: a star or any of that sort of stuff. Great job. 142 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 1: Instead describe what they've done and how it made you feel. 143 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,640 Speaker 1: In fact, there's quite a bit of research that tells 144 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:05,120 Speaker 1: us pretty clearly that when we're praising our children, it 145 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,880 Speaker 1: doesn't seem to have a particularly positive effect. In fact, 146 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,560 Speaker 1: it can regularly be quite negative. And I might do 147 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 1: a podcast on the perils of praise in the next 148 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 1: few weeks. But instead of praising your kids, express appreciation, 149 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,840 Speaker 1: say thank you. You might say something like, wow, you've 150 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,600 Speaker 1: tidied your room. It's so much cleaner now. When you're 151 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,160 Speaker 1: tidy up your bedroom, it means that there's less work 152 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,960 Speaker 1: for me and it's more time for fun, So thank you, 153 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,400 Speaker 1: Or we might say when you do that, it means 154 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:35,480 Speaker 1: that I can trust you. I'm really grateful that I 155 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:39,120 Speaker 1: can trust you. What matters most is that our kids 156 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,719 Speaker 1: feel our appreciation and they see us modeling that appreciation 157 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,920 Speaker 1: with other people. Maybe we're just saying thank you to 158 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,080 Speaker 1: the person who served us in a store, and maybe 159 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:48,720 Speaker 1: we're saying thank you to the person that let us 160 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 1: in on the road. But gratitude and modeling gratitude is 161 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,360 Speaker 1: really really important, And every time that you want to 162 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,600 Speaker 1: be critical, just take a step back. Instead of being critical, 163 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:02,240 Speaker 1: finds something to be grateful for instead. Maybe the kids 164 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:05,800 Speaker 1: come in late from their playdate with their friends out 165 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,760 Speaker 1: in the street. Instead of being angry at them, perhaps 166 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,680 Speaker 1: you can say, I'm so glad that your kids are safe. 167 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:13,559 Speaker 1: I was getting worried, and then once everybody's calm, you 168 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,319 Speaker 1: can talk about setting limits a little bit later on. Okay, 169 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,960 Speaker 1: so that's the first thing model it. The second idea 170 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,200 Speaker 1: is this grateful things. Now. I've already talked about how 171 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 1: my family does this grateful Things conversation every single evening, 172 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:27,839 Speaker 1: and like I said, the kids love it so much. 173 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,320 Speaker 1: They get into it so much that if I don't 174 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,760 Speaker 1: start it off, they'll actually take over and they'll make 175 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,720 Speaker 1: it happen. And sometimes the things that we hear about 176 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,040 Speaker 1: that the children are grateful for are pretty mundane. They're 177 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,680 Speaker 1: pretty obvious kinds of things, like what we did that 178 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:43,840 Speaker 1: day that was fun. But here's the great thing. Those 179 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,400 Speaker 1: obvious things are things that we can easily take for granted. 180 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,679 Speaker 1: But the children, because we're so focused on gratitude, they 181 00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:54,360 Speaker 1: are noticing them and they are grateful for them. They're 182 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,400 Speaker 1: also grateful for little things like somebody's smiling or hugging 183 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,240 Speaker 1: them or something else that went unnoticed for the rest 184 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 1: of us. They say thank you, and we all say, wow, 185 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,000 Speaker 1: that is right, these good things happened. One of my 186 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:09,240 Speaker 1: favorite stories about gratitude comes from one of my parenting 187 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,280 Speaker 1: coaching clients. These clients decided that they were going to 188 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:14,920 Speaker 1: adopt this grateful things idea in their home, and on 189 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:18,000 Speaker 1: the second or third night that they were asking their 190 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,079 Speaker 1: children what they were grateful for that day, one of 191 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,360 Speaker 1: the children paused. It was their five year old, I think, 192 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:26,040 Speaker 1: and she responded, the thing I'm most grateful for today 193 00:10:26,679 --> 00:10:29,840 Speaker 1: is right now. I think that this is a really 194 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:33,520 Speaker 1: powerful reminder that it's about spending time with our kids. 195 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,040 Speaker 1: It's about focusing on the good things that we have 196 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 1: in life, and when we do that, we simply have 197 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:43,000 Speaker 1: better moments with our families. A third idea in our 198 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 1: family A couple of years ago, we did something really fun. 199 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: My wife Kylie created a bunch of labels, gratitude labels, 200 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:52,400 Speaker 1: and one night we all sat down and we wrote 201 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,600 Speaker 1: down a whole lot of things that we were grateful 202 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,920 Speaker 1: for on these labels, and then we went and tied 203 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,959 Speaker 1: them to a tree outside our front door. We caught 204 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,800 Speaker 1: it our gratitude tree. Every time we walked past that tree, 205 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 1: we were reminded by looking at the tree of all 206 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:07,840 Speaker 1: the things that we had to be grateful for. Sometimes 207 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,360 Speaker 1: we'd pause and read it, but most of the time, 208 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:11,440 Speaker 1: just walking past and seeing all those labels that we'd 209 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:14,320 Speaker 1: written on reminded us that there were dozens, if not 210 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 1: hundreds of things that we could be grateful for. And 211 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,680 Speaker 1: we regularly sat down and wrote out another handful of 212 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,160 Speaker 1: things and went and tied them on the tree. The 213 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,000 Speaker 1: kids thought it was a great idea, and it was 214 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,920 Speaker 1: a terrific reminder of everything we had to be thankful for. 215 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,400 Speaker 1: You could also try this for an idea. Carry a 216 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,320 Speaker 1: rock in your pocket, a gratitude rock, and every time 217 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 1: you touch that rock, you can quickly remind yourself of 218 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,199 Speaker 1: all that you're grateful for. Or every time you touch 219 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,800 Speaker 1: the rock, tell the kids, I just touched the gratitude rock. 220 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 1: Quick tell me something you're grateful for right now. One 221 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,640 Speaker 1: other idea that I think is really useful. Most of 222 00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:48,199 Speaker 1: the studies that I've talked about have used a gratitude 223 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:52,760 Speaker 1: diary to have people record what they're grateful for and 224 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 1: those people have been followed over time to see whether 225 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: or not they're happier or not, and usually they are. 226 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,480 Speaker 1: There's research that says that we only need to do 227 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: this once a week. There's other research that says that 228 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,880 Speaker 1: we should do three grateful things a day, and there's 229 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:08,240 Speaker 1: research that tells us that there's probably other options and 230 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,440 Speaker 1: other ways of doing it somewhere in between that I 231 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,720 Speaker 1: think what really matters out of all of this research 232 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 1: is that people are different, but expressing gratitude has positive effects, 233 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,720 Speaker 1: whether you choose to do it every single day, whether 234 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,440 Speaker 1: you choose to do it once a week, maybe on 235 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 1: a Sunday night before you kick off the new week 236 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:27,079 Speaker 1: to wrap up the old week. Taking time to write 237 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 1: things down in a gratitude diary makes a difference. It 238 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,880 Speaker 1: makes people feel secure, it makes people feel happy, it 239 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:36,360 Speaker 1: makes them feel loved, and it makes them feel grateful. 240 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,200 Speaker 1: So let me wrap up this little segment here with 241 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,679 Speaker 1: one more quick story. Recently, I spent time with an 242 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:47,319 Speaker 1: absolutely exhausted wife and mother. She was tired of a 243 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: kid's driving her mad, she was sick of a husband 244 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,679 Speaker 1: that she felt didn't meet his obligations to her, and 245 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,680 Speaker 1: while she wouldn't admit it, I got the sense that 246 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,360 Speaker 1: she was pretty angry at herself and the decisions that 247 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,320 Speaker 1: she'd made in creating her life to this point. She 248 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,680 Speaker 1: almost had this sense of resentment for herself. If only 249 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,120 Speaker 1: I hadn't done this, if only I hadn't done that. Well. 250 00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:12,679 Speaker 1: I listened to her frustrations, and after we talked for 251 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 1: a while, I thought, I'm going to try gratitude with 252 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:18,480 Speaker 1: this mum. So I invited her to do something that 253 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: was a little bit hard. I said, would you please 254 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:25,840 Speaker 1: tell me one thing, just one thing about each of 255 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: your children that you're grateful for. And she had a 256 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,120 Speaker 1: handful of kids, so she had to think, and these 257 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,240 Speaker 1: kids were driving her crazy, so she had to think 258 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:39,200 Speaker 1: pretty hard. Once she done that, I asked her to 259 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: tell me three things about her husband that she appreciated 260 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 1: that she was grateful for. Now, she began this activity 261 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,360 Speaker 1: really resentfully. She did not want to do it because 262 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 1: she did not feel grateful. She felt mad, and she 263 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 1: felt resentful, and she felt underappreciated or unappreciated. She just 264 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:02,800 Speaker 1: felt angry. Within a few minutes, something really interesting happened. 265 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:10,559 Speaker 1: As we talked. Her mood changed. The atmosphere became lighter. 266 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,160 Speaker 1: She began to get a little bit moist in her 267 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 1: eyes as she began to count her blessings one by one, 268 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 1: and she named those people that she loved and she 269 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: talked about the way they made her grateful. Gratitude quite 270 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,880 Speaker 1: literally transformed the way that this mum saw her world, 271 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:33,320 Speaker 1: if only for a moment, but gratitude actually created a 272 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:38,200 Speaker 1: shift in her heart, in her soul. There was something different. 273 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:42,240 Speaker 1: So next time you're stressed, next time you're completely over it, 274 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,880 Speaker 1: next time you're ready to scream, take five minutes and 275 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:49,120 Speaker 1: try gratitude. Get it into your heart. I think that 276 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,120 Speaker 1: you'll be grateful that you did. So let me wrap 277 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,160 Speaker 1: up this segment with a quick question. I would love 278 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,440 Speaker 1: to know, and I'm sure that a lot of people 279 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,160 Speaker 1: that are listening would like to know as well. What 280 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: do you do to promote gratitude in your family? Or 281 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,200 Speaker 1: if you're not doing a whole lot right now to 282 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,400 Speaker 1: promote gratitude in your family, what do you want to 283 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,320 Speaker 1: do now that you've had to listen to this podcast? 284 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,800 Speaker 1: Leave your answer at Happyfamilies dot com dot u slash 285 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,920 Speaker 1: podcast slash two as in the number two, and I'll 286 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,280 Speaker 1: be right back with some answers to your questions. 287 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 2: We all love our children, but sometimes they can make 288 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,840 Speaker 2: life challenging, and we're all searching for the right answers. 289 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,960 Speaker 2: In the end, all we want is happy children and 290 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:35,440 Speaker 2: happy families. Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most 291 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:40,720 Speaker 2: respected parenting voices. His seminars equipped and empowered thousands of 292 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 2: parents to make their families happier. But sometimes getting to 293 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 2: a parenting seminar can be tough. Now you can watch 294 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 2: one of doctor Justin's seminars from the comfort of your 295 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,360 Speaker 2: own home and at a time that works for you. 296 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:57,160 Speaker 3: In this seminar video available online now, you're invited to 297 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 3: sit in on one of doctor Justin's parenting seminars as 298 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 3: he takes you from confusion to clarity. Combining parenting research 299 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,320 Speaker 3: with heartfelt stories, you'll discover the three essential keys to 300 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,520 Speaker 3: raising a resilient child and creating a happy family. What 301 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,600 Speaker 3: your child needs from you from Doctor Justin Coulson at 302 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,800 Speaker 3: Happy families dot com dot Au. Download this ninety minute 303 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:20,240 Speaker 3: semini now. I'll purchase the DVD at happy families dot 304 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 3: com dot Au. 305 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 1: So each week during this podcast, I'm going to be 306 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,280 Speaker 1: doing what I can to answer your parenting questions. If 307 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,080 Speaker 1: you're dealing with issues with the kids, or if you're 308 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 1: dealing with issues in your parenting, just go to Happy 309 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,440 Speaker 1: Families dot com dot au slash questions and leave me 310 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 1: a voicemail, let me know briefly what your question is, 311 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 1: and I'll answer two or three of them every single 312 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,640 Speaker 1: week in my podcast. A quick disclaimer here as well 313 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,000 Speaker 1: about the advice that I'm giving. The advice is general. 314 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,480 Speaker 1: It's not a therapy session. It's just an idea generator. 315 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,320 Speaker 1: Even if I'm answering your question, you're not in front 316 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,000 Speaker 1: of me. You're not giving me all of your info 317 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 1: here and now, So my answers are really best guesses 318 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,400 Speaker 1: based on the information that I've gotten from you and 319 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:01,280 Speaker 1: your voice message or your email. And because the answers 320 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 1: need to be fairly brief and I can't get into 321 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,840 Speaker 1: a heavy detail because you're not here, I can't be 322 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,480 Speaker 1: perfectly specific. So once again, quick disclaimer, the advice given 323 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:14,200 Speaker 1: here is general. Now let's start us off with this 324 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:18,240 Speaker 1: week's first question, which came via an email from Leah 325 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 1: and Lea asked this, Hi, justin my son has been 326 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:25,600 Speaker 1: uninvolved in extra curricular activities, and there's always an underlying 327 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,000 Speaker 1: pressure to have him involved in some kind of ball sport. 328 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,040 Speaker 1: But today at school, he's in grade two, which I'm 329 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,159 Speaker 1: guessing means he's about eight or nine years old. He 330 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,439 Speaker 1: was excluded because one boy said he was crap at soccer. 331 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,320 Speaker 1: He's naturally sporty. He thrives on being active and developing 332 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,560 Speaker 1: his body. I also feel like there are other skills 333 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 1: I like him to develop, and he can't do everything. 334 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:49,119 Speaker 1: Developing our talents is important that extracurricular activities should not 335 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,680 Speaker 1: rule our family life. And I can't stand the idea 336 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,040 Speaker 1: of racing from one thing to the next all week. 337 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:58,399 Speaker 1: Does every boy do ball sport? Does every boy do 338 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,560 Speaker 1: it while they're also developing other talents. So, Leah, this 339 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,200 Speaker 1: is my response to you, and again just a general response. 340 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:08,040 Speaker 1: First of all, research tells us that children will generally 341 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:12,000 Speaker 1: do better with sport or music or in other interests. 342 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,480 Speaker 1: They do well when they're involved in these kinds of 343 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,960 Speaker 1: activities because it stimulates their physicality. It can also stimulate 344 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,440 Speaker 1: their brain, It can be good for their social aspects. 345 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,840 Speaker 1: There are a load of benefits that can build a 346 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,280 Speaker 1: sense of competence. It's really good for them to be 347 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:32,680 Speaker 1: involved in some sort of extracurricular activity, but the activity 348 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:36,720 Speaker 1: should be based on their strengths, not based on their gender. 349 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,639 Speaker 1: Just because he's a boy doesn't mean that he should 350 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 1: be playing ball sports. I know of some boys who 351 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:47,720 Speaker 1: do gymnastics or who do some sort of musical have 352 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:52,439 Speaker 1: some sort of musical involvement. Obviously, when he's getting this 353 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:56,119 Speaker 1: kind of input from his friends that he's lousy at 354 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,040 Speaker 1: ball sports, that's going to hurt. And there are a 355 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,879 Speaker 1: lot of advantages for him to develop his coordination and 356 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,840 Speaker 1: his physical abilities by playing. But does he have to 357 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 1: do ball sports. Well, No, I just think that if 358 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,200 Speaker 1: you've got the resources to do it, that it would 359 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,480 Speaker 1: be good to have him involved in something. Now, let 360 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:17,200 Speaker 1: me add something else really quickly here. Personally, I'm not 361 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,200 Speaker 1: a fan of competitive sports, particularly for children. I want 362 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:23,440 Speaker 1: my children to master things, I want them to learn things. 363 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:27,200 Speaker 1: I want them to become capable and competent with things. 364 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:32,880 Speaker 1: But competition focuses less on process and learning and more 365 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:36,480 Speaker 1: on winning. So I am personally more inclined to send 366 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:40,160 Speaker 1: my kids into activities that are less competitive. It might 367 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,920 Speaker 1: be something like indoor rock climbing, or swimming, or surfing 368 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,480 Speaker 1: or hiking, maybe some other outdoor pursuits that are physical 369 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,960 Speaker 1: but are less competitive, or maybe they're competitive sports, but 370 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,320 Speaker 1: there's not a lot of emphasis on the competition. The 371 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,080 Speaker 1: other great thing about a lot of these things is 372 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,680 Speaker 1: you don't have to ferry kids from one activity to 373 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,720 Speaker 1: the next and then stand on the sideline and watch 374 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,840 Speaker 1: that is appointment on their faces when they lose. Okay, 375 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 1: my second point is this only eight years old. He 376 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:10,040 Speaker 1: can't do everything, so I'm inclined to suggest find what 377 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,840 Speaker 1: he enjoys and do that. It may be that you 378 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,280 Speaker 1: might try, might try three or four different things before 379 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,680 Speaker 1: you work out what he enjoys. In our family, we've 380 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 1: spent a lot of time and unfortunately a lot of 381 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 1: money on our children shopping and changing. However, we've agreed 382 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,440 Speaker 1: that that's quite okay because we don't want to make 383 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 1: them persist in something that they don't love, and because 384 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,920 Speaker 1: we've allowed them to chop and change, they've each found 385 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,400 Speaker 1: things that they do love. They've found things that they 386 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 1: look forward to them that they can't wait to be 387 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:40,600 Speaker 1: involved in, and to us, that's much better than fighting 388 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,640 Speaker 1: with them. Because we've spent money on it, and they've 389 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 1: got to do it. Now. What I do recommend though, 390 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,040 Speaker 1: is if you have spent money on it and they're 391 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,280 Speaker 1: in a team or you've paid to the end of term, 392 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,479 Speaker 1: that you do encourage them to get to the end 393 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,920 Speaker 1: of that point. Now. The last quick point that I 394 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,919 Speaker 1: would mention here Leia in a response to your question 395 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,040 Speaker 1: the time fact. Well, this is the unfortunate side effect 396 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:06,239 Speaker 1: of having children in extracurricular activities. It takes time, and 397 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,520 Speaker 1: sometimes it takes away from family time. I guess this 398 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 1: is one of those personal questions where you need to 399 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:15,080 Speaker 1: balance your desire for your children to develop their strengths 400 00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:18,760 Speaker 1: and talents with your desire for family time and hopefully 401 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:22,000 Speaker 1: find a balance that feels right for you. Seeing them play, 402 00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:25,679 Speaker 1: seeing them develop, and seeing them learn can be a 403 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:29,080 Speaker 1: wonderful way to actually have time together as a family. 404 00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:31,639 Speaker 1: And once they get good at something, it might actually 405 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,119 Speaker 1: mean that you can go down to the park with 406 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,080 Speaker 1: them later on or down to the beach with them 407 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,960 Speaker 1: later on and be involved in that activity with them 408 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:42,040 Speaker 1: in family time because they've developed the skill outside of 409 00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:46,879 Speaker 1: family time. Okay, the second question came in anonymously. That 410 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,680 Speaker 1: came in via my ask Doctor Justin page, which is 411 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:52,920 Speaker 1: online at kidspot dot com dot au. And this one's 412 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,399 Speaker 1: a bit of a tough one and it's dealing with 413 00:21:55,440 --> 00:22:01,679 Speaker 1: that chestnut sleep. This person wrote, I have three kids. 414 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,720 Speaker 1: The oldest and youngest are easy going. They'll easily sleep 415 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 1: at night if the middle one doesn't wake them. The 416 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,160 Speaker 1: middle one, well, she's a totally different kettle of fish altogether. 417 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,600 Speaker 1: Some nights she'll wake once, other nights thirty two times. 418 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,360 Speaker 1: She's now two years and two months and she hasn't changed. 419 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,960 Speaker 1: She's been trialed right now in a toddler bed in 420 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,600 Speaker 1: a room with her older brother, to see if that 421 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,960 Speaker 1: makes a difference. Well, it hasn't. Previously she was in 422 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,359 Speaker 1: a clot sharing a room with her younger sister. She 423 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 1: wakes up and comes into my bed. Then she's restless 424 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,359 Speaker 1: and grizzly for twenty minutes. Then she goes back to 425 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,439 Speaker 1: her bed, where she's restless and sooky in between brief 426 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,399 Speaker 1: one hour sleep sessions. Then back to my bed and 427 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,600 Speaker 1: the cycle begins again. I've tried routine coaxing. I've tried rewards. 428 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:46,280 Speaker 1: I've tried talking happy, talking, cranky, talking, stern, letting her cry, 429 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:50,240 Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Most people are saying, 430 00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:52,919 Speaker 1: just let her cry. Well, that usually ends with the 431 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,280 Speaker 1: rest of the people in the house awake and me 432 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,320 Speaker 1: cleaning vomit off something, so that option is out. She 433 00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:59,119 Speaker 1: won't even go and get into bed at nighttime. She 434 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 1: falls asleep on the cat. If I try and put 435 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,840 Speaker 1: her into bed, she screams and screams, and the cycle 436 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,000 Speaker 1: begins early. She has a strict routine bedtime at seven 437 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,160 Speaker 1: pm Friday nights. Sorry, bedtime at seven pm Friday nights. 438 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,400 Speaker 1: I'm a little more lenient. It might be seven thirty 439 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,560 Speaker 1: till eight pm. I just don't know what to do anymore. 440 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,959 Speaker 1: I'm on two years of sleep deprivation. It's taking its 441 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:21,040 Speaker 1: toll on me, my emotional health, my relationship with my husband, 442 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 1: and recently I think I'm starting to develop depression. Don't worry, 443 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,320 Speaker 1: I'm already booked in to see the doctor, this person says. 444 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 1: But I don't know what to do anymore. I'm typing 445 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,640 Speaker 1: this post at two am while she lays in my bed, 446 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,440 Speaker 1: and I'm sitting here shivering cold because there's no room 447 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,440 Speaker 1: in the bed for me. So I'm off to sleep 448 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:42,680 Speaker 1: on the couch again. Wow. Well here's my response. First off, 449 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,880 Speaker 1: it's good that you're getting help. That's really important. If 450 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:49,040 Speaker 1: you're dealing with anything related to depression, you do need 451 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:51,439 Speaker 1: to get help. But it also sounds like much of 452 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,879 Speaker 1: this is sleep related, and studies tell us really clearly 453 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 1: that sleep deprivation is linked with a range of negative 454 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:01,440 Speaker 1: health outcomes, including depression. In fact, sleep deprivation, as you 455 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:03,879 Speaker 1: probably are aware, has been used as a form of 456 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,680 Speaker 1: torture previously. Okay, so go and get that help. I 457 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,919 Speaker 1: would also recommend that you take your daughter to the 458 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,000 Speaker 1: doctor and just have a look and see if there 459 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,720 Speaker 1: are any medical issues that are having an impact here. 460 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,240 Speaker 1: The second thing that I want to point out quickly 461 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:20,800 Speaker 1: is crying it out is not something that I would encourage. Ever, 462 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,359 Speaker 1: instead of crying it out, here are some of the 463 00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:26,560 Speaker 1: more obvious answers. The first is sleep hygiene. You want 464 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,879 Speaker 1: to make sure that the bedroom is dark enough that 465 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,760 Speaker 1: it's the right temperature. You might also want to take 466 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,280 Speaker 1: a look at some white noise. You can download an 467 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:37,280 Speaker 1: app that's called white Noise, or you can play one 468 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:41,080 Speaker 1: of those relaxation CDs, anything to just keep the focus 469 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,280 Speaker 1: on noises in the room rather than noises out of 470 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,520 Speaker 1: the room. You might want to look at the way 471 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:50,119 Speaker 1: the routine works, bath story, hugs, songs. A question that 472 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:51,719 Speaker 1: I think is really important is that you've said that 473 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:55,439 Speaker 1: her bedtime is seven pm, But is she actually tired 474 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,639 Speaker 1: at seven pm? I came across some research when I 475 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,960 Speaker 1: was looking into your question that suggested that the best 476 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,680 Speaker 1: time to put children to bed is about twenty minutes 477 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,199 Speaker 1: before they get tired. When we put kids to bed 478 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,800 Speaker 1: about twenty minutes before they get tired, and we've walked 479 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,920 Speaker 1: through a nice routine beforehand, they can hop into bed, 480 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:14,760 Speaker 1: they can start to relax, We can read them a 481 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 1: story and spend some time with them, and they tend 482 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,120 Speaker 1: to respond really well. If we put them to bed 483 00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:22,440 Speaker 1: twenty minutes after they're tired, they tend to be irritable. 484 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,480 Speaker 1: And you and I both know that trying to get anybody, 485 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,320 Speaker 1: anybody to sleep at all who is irritable, tends not 486 00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:32,120 Speaker 1: to work particularly well. Okay, they're the obvious answers. Here 487 00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:34,840 Speaker 1: are some less obvious answers. First of all, when kids 488 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,879 Speaker 1: get into my bed, I leave them there and I 489 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,320 Speaker 1: go and get into their bed. See I would rather 490 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,320 Speaker 1: sleep than play. Let's move the kids from one bed 491 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,359 Speaker 1: to another. We've had some pretty lousy sleepers over time, 492 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,359 Speaker 1: but what we've also found is that they do grow 493 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:51,200 Speaker 1: out of it. I like to go to bed with 494 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 1: my wife. It's really important to me that I go 495 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:57,400 Speaker 1: to sleep with my wife. However, at midnight or two 496 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,440 Speaker 1: am or three am, if one of my kids wakes 497 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,479 Speaker 1: up and want some comfort, I don't really care what 498 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,919 Speaker 1: bed I'm sleeping in, so long as I'm sleeping, and 499 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,880 Speaker 1: it's much easier for me to get out of bed, 500 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 1: leave my daughter in bed with my wife, and go 501 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,280 Speaker 1: and sleep in another bed. The big bed is big 502 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:14,280 Speaker 1: enough for the two of them. I sleep well enough 503 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,879 Speaker 1: in their bed and the problems solved. So that's something 504 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: that I think might be a potentially helpful solution. The 505 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,400 Speaker 1: second thing that I'd argue is don't make a big 506 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,000 Speaker 1: deal about it. In fact, the less you say and 507 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:30,240 Speaker 1: the less you do, the better. Instead, I'd be focused 508 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,679 Speaker 1: on loving her. I wouldn't be focused on telling her 509 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,359 Speaker 1: at all that it's important that she sleep in a 510 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:36,879 Speaker 1: certain way. Instead, I'd just be focused on making her 511 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,080 Speaker 1: feel as comfortable and as safe and secure as possible, 512 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:44,800 Speaker 1: and whatever bed, it takes one more quick pointer. I 513 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,280 Speaker 1: recommend that you check out Joe Ryan's Baby Bliss. Joe 514 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,840 Speaker 1: Ryan has written this book and it has made an 515 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:55,000 Speaker 1: enormous impact in the way our family deals with sleeping issues, 516 00:26:55,359 --> 00:26:58,200 Speaker 1: and it works great for kids from newborn right through 517 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,840 Speaker 1: until the mid toddler range. It's a little bit more 518 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:05,640 Speaker 1: structured than I personally like, so we've adapted it a bit. 519 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:09,320 Speaker 1: In our family. We don't follow Joe's schedule so much, 520 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,280 Speaker 1: but we do follow her general rules and the results 521 00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 1: that we've had have been simply amazing. Okay, so that's 522 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,080 Speaker 1: all the questions that I can respond to this week. 523 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,600 Speaker 1: If you have a question and you'd like some help, 524 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,800 Speaker 1: just visit happyfamilies dot com dot au slash questions. You 525 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,040 Speaker 1: can leave me a voice message there, or you can 526 00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:30,440 Speaker 1: email me your question. That's Happy families dot com dot 527 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:34,240 Speaker 1: a u slash questions and I'll be back right after 528 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:35,920 Speaker 1: this break with my tip of the week. 529 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,840 Speaker 3: Toilet training. It's a milestone that parents look forward to. 530 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,920 Speaker 3: What is the best way to toilet train our children successfully? 531 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,280 Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Colson has written a no Mess, no Fuss 532 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:48,760 Speaker 3: ebook to help called toilet training Easiest one Too We. 533 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:52,600 Speaker 3: Written for busy parents, You're whizz through a clearoverview of 534 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,760 Speaker 3: toilet training without getting bogged down in too much detail. 535 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 3: At just over twenty pages, the book can be digested 536 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:02,440 Speaker 3: in under thirty minute. You'll find direct answers about toilet 537 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:05,480 Speaker 3: training based on scientific research, like how to know when 538 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,560 Speaker 3: your child is ready to toilet train, myths and conspiracies, 539 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,879 Speaker 3: theories about toilet training, and the most poo popular toilet 540 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:15,359 Speaker 3: training approaches and what science says about them. Some toilet 541 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:17,520 Speaker 3: training guides take longer to read than it should take 542 00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:20,159 Speaker 3: to toilet train a child. This is the fast flowing 543 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,800 Speaker 3: alternative to get your kids going at the right time, 544 00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:25,800 Speaker 3: in the right place, and the right way. Toilet training 545 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:29,840 Speaker 3: easy as One too We available at major online booksellers 546 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,280 Speaker 3: now or at Happy Families dot com dot au. 547 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,440 Speaker 1: Alright, it's time for my tip of the week. A 548 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:37,480 Speaker 1: little while ago, I read a really wonderful, insightful book. 549 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:40,520 Speaker 1: It was called Hands Free Mamma by Rachel Stafford. I'll 550 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,520 Speaker 1: put a link to it in my show notes for you. 551 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: I've got loads of great ideas from this book to 552 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,280 Speaker 1: remind me about important ways to connect with my children. 553 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:51,320 Speaker 1: And I was grateful for it. A few weeks ago, 554 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:54,400 Speaker 1: my wife Kylie picked the book up and she started reading, 555 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,400 Speaker 1: and I started to notice some really subtle changes. The 556 00:28:57,480 --> 00:29:00,560 Speaker 1: book made a real difference, and I was so impressed. 557 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:03,520 Speaker 1: But something Kylie did that she found in the book 558 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,480 Speaker 1: that I hadn't really picked up on when I read 559 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,360 Speaker 1: the book because it was probably too much Hassel was this. 560 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,960 Speaker 1: Kylie bought a little journal for each of our girls 561 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:16,160 Speaker 1: and she told them that each day they could write 562 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:18,160 Speaker 1: a little note to her at the end of the 563 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,840 Speaker 1: day to share their day in a personal way, talk 564 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,120 Speaker 1: about things that they wanted to talk about, and Kylie 565 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,360 Speaker 1: promised that she would write back. So it was kind 566 00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,840 Speaker 1: of like a little pen pal diary. And I can't 567 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,680 Speaker 1: even begin to tell you how amazing the response has 568 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 1: been from the children. We've seen this incredible change in them. 569 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:39,080 Speaker 1: After four days, one of them wrote to Kylie, I'm 570 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:41,680 Speaker 1: glad we started this whole diary thing. I don't have 571 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,520 Speaker 1: a reason to keep my problems secret. I feel like 572 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:47,000 Speaker 1: such a heavy burden has been taken off my shoulders. 573 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:49,920 Speaker 1: It's not every day I got to do this. Until 574 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,760 Speaker 1: now all of my problems are on paper and they're 575 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:57,640 Speaker 1: not weighing down my heart. Isn't that beautiful? Now? The 576 00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:02,000 Speaker 1: diary wasn't set up to be a problem. It isn't 577 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:04,360 Speaker 1: about saying to the kids that we should be the 578 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,200 Speaker 1: place that they unload in their diary so we can 579 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,480 Speaker 1: read about all their problems. In fact, we didn't expect 580 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,120 Speaker 1: that they were going to be sharing their problems with 581 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,560 Speaker 1: us at all. And each of the children uses their 582 00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:17,280 Speaker 1: diary differently, but let me tell you this, they absolutely 583 00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:19,680 Speaker 1: love it. It is the first thing that they reach 584 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:21,320 Speaker 1: for in the morning so that they can see what 585 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:24,200 Speaker 1: Mum wrote the night before, and they do not miss 586 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:26,560 Speaker 1: a single day of writing back to her. And I 587 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:28,720 Speaker 1: also think it's going to be an amazing record for 588 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,000 Speaker 1: them later in life as well. So my tip of 589 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:34,160 Speaker 1: the week is this. Our children respond to our love 590 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:37,560 Speaker 1: in different ways, and they show love in different ways. 591 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:40,680 Speaker 1: Sometimes it might be through hugs or presents. Other times 592 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,480 Speaker 1: it might be through spending time together or playing or 593 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:47,440 Speaker 1: maybe just writing in a diary could be something that 594 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:49,720 Speaker 1: you can try to express your love to your children 595 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:52,320 Speaker 1: and to have a better understanding of what's going on 596 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:54,120 Speaker 1: in their worlds. If they're over about the age of 597 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:56,640 Speaker 1: five or six, they should be able to do that 598 00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:58,640 Speaker 1: one and get a lot out of it. Well that's 599 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:01,160 Speaker 1: about it for today's pod. If you have any questions, 600 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:03,800 Speaker 1: once again, visit happy families dot com dot u slash 601 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:05,920 Speaker 1: questions and I'll do my best to answer you in 602 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:09,920 Speaker 1: an upcoming podcast. And if you've enjoyed the podcasts, you 603 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:12,360 Speaker 1: can get the entire outline. You can get the resource 604 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:16,000 Speaker 1: links in the show notes at Hoppy at happyfamilies dot 605 00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:20,400 Speaker 1: com dot a U slash podcast slash two as in 606 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:23,040 Speaker 1: the number two. And if you think this podcast has 607 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:25,240 Speaker 1: been helpful, can I ask you to do this? I'd 608 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:27,920 Speaker 1: really appreciate it. I'd be most grateful if you would 609 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:31,120 Speaker 1: visit happy families dot com dot a u slash podcast 610 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:34,920 Speaker 1: slash two as the number two. You'll find links to 611 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:37,760 Speaker 1: share on Twitter and Facebook so that other people can 612 00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:39,720 Speaker 1: find out all about the podcast and they can listen 613 00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:41,920 Speaker 1: in and get the same great tips that you're getting. 614 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,560 Speaker 1: And I'd be even more thankful if you would rate 615 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:48,560 Speaker 1: the podcast on iTunes because it's your ratings that determine 616 00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:51,400 Speaker 1: whether or not other people can find this podcast. Every 617 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:54,360 Speaker 1: time you rate it, the visibility of the podcast goes 618 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,520 Speaker 1: up and other people get to find out more about 619 00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:58,880 Speaker 1: how I can help them to make their families happier. 620 00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:01,680 Speaker 1: And of course there you can subscribe to the podcast 621 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:03,720 Speaker 1: on iTunes as well. That way you'll be able to 622 00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 1: make sure that you can catch every single episode. Well 623 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:09,640 Speaker 1: that's it for this week. I'll have another podcast ready 624 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,920 Speaker 1: to go for next week. Until then, please remember you 625 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,840 Speaker 1: don't have to be the best parent in the world. 626 00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:17,200 Speaker 1: You just have to be the best parent in your 627 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:18,040 Speaker 1: children's world.